July 20, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Please contact me to be added to the affiliate list!)

***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR!

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (To receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show without the sponsor, please contact me!)

Daily Dose of Weird News2ONAIRprep is now offering FREE OF CHARGE a sponsor-free customized Daily Dose of Weird News – tagged with your station or show info! Just email darren@onairprep.com (use the subject line “Customized DDWN”) with your ONAIRprep username, station call letters, and then the verbiage you want used at the end of each episode! EXAMPLE: “For Daily Dose of Weird News, I’m Darren Marlar and this is your station for Positive Hit Music and Johnny Jock in the mornings – 109.9, THE MIX!” A dry version of the news is also available if you want to produce your own version! Dry version and customized cuts available via FTP. Login info below to get set up:
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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160720

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hello and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW). Remember, four out of five dentists agree that listening to this show is cheaper than laughing gas.

105-degree heat index, the radio station has the A/C blowing at 68-degrees. How’s a human being to dress for that scenario?

After eleven hours of sleep, I have determined that I will always require “just another twenty minutes”.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” –Ephesians 3:20-21

God exalted him [Jesus] to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every other name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. — Philippians 2:9-11

Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. — 1 Timothy 5:1

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 6:14

Thought: Do you have a basis for pride? What is your source of that pride? Paul reminds us that our one, true, and dependable source of boasting is boasting in what the Lord has done for us on the Cross. This one source of boasting has absolutely nothing to do with anything that we have done, attained, or accomplished on our own. All other reasons to boast are fleeting glimpses at hollow fame compared to the joy and assurance of sharing in Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection.

Prayer: Forgive me, O Abba Father, for the times I have thought myself important because of some transitory accomplishment. Thank you for giving me a bedrock source of boasting in Jesus’ love and grace demonstrated in the Cross. In Jesus’ name I thank you. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Ecclesiastes 7:20 NIV
There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JULY 20, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 15
7 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL LOLLIPOP DAY.

Today is MOON DAY, marking man’s first landing on the moon on this date in 1969 when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed their lunar module Eagle. ***MARLAR: It was one small step for man, one giant waste of tax dollars for mankind because we didn’t find any cheese.

Today is CLEAT DANCING DAY, a day to see how much fun it is, if any, to tap dance while wearing baseball cleats. ***MARLAR: It might also be Lawsuit Day if you try this stunt on the hotel ballroom’s dance floor.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Cake Day

Moon Day

Space Exploration Day

Take Your Poet To Work Week

World Jump Day

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, JULY 21

Get to Know Your Customers Day

Legal Drinking Age Day

No Pet Store Puppies Day

FRIDAY, JULY 22

Casual Pi Day

Fragile X Awareness Day

National Penuche Fudge Day

Rat Catchers Day

Spoonerism Day

SATURDAY, JULY 23

Gorgeous Grandma Day

Hot Enough For Ya Day

National Day of the Cowboy

National Hot Dog Day

SUNDAY, JULY 24

Aunties Day

Cousins Day

National Drive-Thru Day

National Tequila Day

National Thermal Engineers Day

Parents’ Day

Tell An Old Joke Day

MONDAY, JULY 25

Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day

Red Shoe Day

Thread The Needle Day

Video Games Day

TUESDAY, JULY 26

One Voice

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27

Barbie-In-A-Blender Day

National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day

Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day

Walk On Stilts Day

ON THIS DAY

1940: Billboard magazine published its first “Music Popularity Chart.” The first #1 single was Tommy Dorsey’s “I’ll Never Smile Again,” featuring vocalist Frank Sinatra.

1949: The Hollywood Reporter said that American teenagers were calling their local drive-in movie theater “the passion pit.”

1963: Trombonist Ray Conniff was awarded two gold records, for the albums “Concert in Rhythm” and “Memories are Made of This” on Columbia Records.

1968: Iron Butterfly’s “In-a-gadda-da-vida” became the first heavy metal song to hit the charts, coming in at number 117. *** It was mainly a hit because deejays enjoyed the time it gave them to go to the bathroom.

1969: Astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. First words transmitted from the moon; “Houston, Tranquility Base here, the Eagle has landed.” Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became the first men on the moon with the Apollo 11 mission. *** And some poor loser had to wait in orbit and we can’t even remember his name. (Michael Collins, if you want a trivia question for a T-shirt.)

1974: A Dallas narcotics suspect surrendered after police had served a warrant at his “incredibly filthy” apartment two days earlier while he wasn’t home. Officers made his bed, washed his dishes, vacuumed, tossed out all the beer cans and trash, and left fresh flowers on his coffee table with a note saying they’d taken his drugs.

1983: Nightly ABC News anchor Frank Reynolds died at age 59. He was replaced by ABC News correspondent, Peter Jennings.

1987: Overnight, a 160-foot iron bridge, spanning the Santa Lucua Chico River in Florida, Uruguay, completely disappeared. Police believe thieves dismantled it and hauled it away.

1993: In Philadelphia, an animal rights protester, dressed like a cow, was arrested after she hit Ronald McDonald in the face with a pie.

1994: O.J. Simpson offered a $500,000 reward for the capture of his wife’s “real” killer.

1996: “Blue,” the first album by 13-year-old LeAnn Rimes, debuted at number one on “Billboard’s” country album chart and number four on the pop album chart. The title song was written by Fort Worth all-night deejay, The Midnight Cowboy, Bill Mack.

2000: Seven skydivers set a world record for unassisted human flight by gliding from a Dutch island to the nearby town of Den Helder. From a height of 16,000 feet, they glided 2½ miles, the first time such a distance had been bridged by pure human flight. The skydivers wore special suits that gave them a longer glide path than normal. They opened their parachutes at 1,000 feet before touching down on the mainland.

2001: A 42-year-old Bucharest cleaning lady stopped an armed robber in his tracks by hitting him with her mop because he walked on her wet floor. The thief shot at Florica Dumitru but missed because “he had soap in his eyes.”

2003: A prison guard in Betim, Brazil, went to a bar close to his jail and bumped into three inmates who had sneaked out for a drink. The owner said they were regulars who often popped in. The men said they weren’t running away, they were only having a beer. The prisoners were returned to jail and an investigation was launched into security.

2006: U.S. President Bush received a kind reception and applause from the NAACP in his first address to the nation’s oldest civil rights organization as president. He had turned down five previous invitations to speak.

2014: A toothless man in Lakewood, Washington had been charged with assault and “criminal mischief” after allegedly gumming the wrist of his roommate because she would not clean his ear for him. Police said that 50-something Kenneth Chambers confessed to biting his roommate, but said he was acting in self-defense. He also allegedly stated he couldn’t have hurt her because of his lack of teeth. *** So you’re in your 50s, toothless, under arrest and have a roommate. Does life get ANY BETTER?!?

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1054: Patriarch of Constantinople Michael Cerularius, having been excommunicated from the Roman church four days earlier, excommunicates Pope Leo IX and his followers. This precipitates the Great Schism.

1910: The Christian Endeavor Society of Missouri begins a campaign to ban all motion pictures that depicted kissing between non-relatives.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“According to Jim”) Billi Bruno 20 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Det. Mike Kellerman on “Homicide: Life on the Street”) Reed Diamond, 49 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Crocodile Hunter”) Terri Irwin, 52 (audio clip)

  • Actress/model (“Bosom Buddies”, wife of Dan Aykroyd) Donna Dixon, 59 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1933 : Buddy Knox

1943 : John Lodge (The Moody Blues)

1944 : T.G. Sheppard

1946 : Kim Carnes

1946 : John Almond (The Johnny Almond Music Machine)

1947 : Tony Thorpe (The Rubettes)

1947 : Carlos Santana (Santana)

1955 : Marisa DeFranco (The DeFranco Family)

1956 : Paul Cook (The Sex Pistols)

1958 : Mick McNeil (Simple Minds)

1964 : Chris Cornell (Soundgarden, Audioslave)

1966 : Stone Gossard (Pearl Jam)

1972 : Vitamin C

1978 : Elliott Yamin

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Do dandelions have anything at all to do with lions?

In England this flower was originally called a lion’s tooth. But as early as the 16th century people were already coming to look upon anything with a French name as having been culturally bumped up a notch. So the lion’s tooth became the dent de lion, eventually dandelion, which freely translated means–surprise!–“lion’s tooth.” But why was it a “lion’s tooth” in the first place? Because the leaves that accompany the flower are said to resemble teeth.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

An observation from Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo: they make you take a test to make sure you know to put the fuel cap on a boat before you go on a lake, but NOT to find out if you know how our government works before you vote.

Kutless member James Mead says he’s basically a superhero. He posted: I can walk out of Target without buying anything.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says festival season is underway. She posted: I have way over met my port-a-potty usage quota for the year in the past 2 days.

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says she got a lot of protein at the band’s latest outdoor concert. She posted: Shoutout to those dozen or so bugs I swallowed during the concert tonight. Rest in Peace.

Group 1 Crew front man Manny said about the song “Burn”: Let the things that have hurt you burn in the fire of who God’s making you.

Jamie Grace has a unique response to her cravings. She posted: I’m so hungry I wrote a song about it. It’s called “I just need a taco or maybe some pizza.”

Want to bless Mercyme’s Robby Shaffer? He posted: Nothing makes me feel better about my 7 year old truck than new tires and a wash.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BHqFw_yg7OI/

Some advice from Aaron Shust on your personal devotions. He posted: I started incorporating podcasts into my daily devotional time and I can’t believe I’ve waited so long to do so. Aaron says: Alistair Begg of Truth for Life and Ravi Zacharias are my top two favorites. They break open the Word of God, shining a light into corners that I’d read over a hundred times while missing its beauty and power.

Jonny Diaz on parenting a young child: Imagine a Roomba going around your house. But instead of cleaning it leaves a path of destruction. That’s what it’s like having a 1 year old.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In Mexico, a Donald Trump piñata is currently a popular item.  *** The idea of hitting the Donald with a stick is so appealing that Hillary has ordered twelve of them.

A North Carolina couple is in trouble after allegedly attacking each other with pizza rolls.  ***Have you ever eaten those things?  I’m pretty sure this could be qualified as assault with a deadly weapon.

If you wash your hands in public restrooms, brush your teeth and wear antiperspirant, you’ve come in contact with triclosan, an antibacterial used in many personal care products. But, according to Time, mounting evidence has linked triclosan to bacteria resistance, hormone disruption, and possibly even liver cancer.  ***So stop washing your hands, stop brushing your teeth, and stop wearing antiperspirant and you’re good to go!

One name being mentioned for Hillary Clinton’s running mate is current VP Joe Biden.  ***Because every presidential candidate need a Dan Quayle.

A Hawaiian Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing due to a problem with the hydraulic system. Then when it landed it blew 10 tires.  ***Okay, yeah… maybe America DOES have a weight problem.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A Danish study suggests that men who are obese by age 20 die eight years earlier on average than their non-obese peers.  ***MARLAR: That may be true, but we die happier by eating pizza and hot fudge sundaes.

Too chicken to break up with him? An online service in the UK offers to take care of those painful awkward goodbyes. “Sorry It’s Over” was created by a former nurse and will break up with your future ex by text or email for $5.50.  *** If you’re so immature that you can’t handle breaking up with someone on your own – even using your OWN text or email, you have no business dating… period.  Go back to kindergarten and re-learn how to get along with others and treat people.

 An average of 4,615 people go to the emergency room for a snow blower injury each year.  ***MARLAR: Safety Tip – aim the blower forward rather than directly at your face.

A lot of people complain about the cold weather, but now doctors say some kids are actually allergic to the cold.  Just like a pollen allergy, the cold allergy–called cold urticaria–has symptoms that range from rashes to closing of the throat.  Doctors say it could have a genetic cause, but could also be acquired.  ***MARLAR: The allergy usually starts when your mom begins when you need to go to the bathroom but your mom has already wrapped you up like the little brother in “A Christmas Story”.  Who WOULDN’T have an aversion to cold at that point?

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Energizer Bunny Battery”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Signs”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Wow, hard to believe this entire time we’ve never had a lion – the king of the jungle – in As the Jungle Turns! Tune in next time to find out what happens!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 23/24

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson had met new friends – the Razzleflabbins, on Razzleflabbin Island. He told them why he’d been sent to his room – because he wouldn’t get to know the new kid in his neighborhood, and they told Marvy they understood, but that it’s important to get to know people – especially those who are different than you!

CLOSE: Uh oh… what’s so weird about this other Razzleflabbin that they have to have a scout spying at all times to keep an eye out on him? Well… he’s on his way, so we’ll likely find out why’s he so different (and why the Razzleflabbins are frightened of him) next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Getting out of taxes is not just illegal – it could be a big Moment of Duh!

A Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada man who tried to get away with paying no taxes was fined $3,000 by the government. Cliff Hanna attempted to persuade a judge that he is a free man who owes the government nothing. In a sworn affidavit, he declared that the name “James Clifford Hanna” was put on his birth certificate many years ago without his permission. He disclaimed responsibility for debts or obligations the government assigns to that name. And said there is no record anywhere that he ever accepted the Hanna name. As far as he is concerned, the name James Clifford Hanna is “hearsay.” The judge didn’t buy it.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN STEPS IN PHOTOGRAPHING A NEW PUPPY

10. Remove film from box and load camera.

9. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.

8. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

7. Choose a suitable background for photo.

6. Mount camera on tripod and focus.

5. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

4. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

3. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

2. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

1. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Can’t handle your seven-year-old?  Have the police arrest him!

FILE #1: A woman in Bismarck North Dakota apparently cannot handle her role as a parent. Instead of handling it herself, the woman decided to call the police to have them arrest her 7-year-old boy – who took $6 from the kitchen counter without permission. (Like this is what we’re paying the police to do.) Amazingly the police did indeed arrest the boy whose fate will now be determined by the Police Youth Bureau.

FILE #2: Floyd Stagner stole a pickup truck and got only a short distance down the interstate before the truck ran out of gas. Realizing how far it can be between gas stations on the interstate and not wanting to leave his newly stolen pickup behind, Floyd decided to use his cell phone to call for assistance. Did he call one of his friends for help? Nope. His mother? Of course not. He called 911 and asked if the cops could come by and help him out. You bet they could! They helped him out of the truck and into their squad car! They gave him some really shiny new bracelets too!

FILE #3: A dozen inmates who escaped from Colombia’s mountain prison of Caloto returned to the front gates of the compound, asking to be readmitted. “Why would they do this?” you might ask. Good question… and the answer is this: the prisoners said they had opted to take advantage of a Colombian amnesty law that forgives and forgets prison breaks if fugitives return voluntarily within 72 hours. They were right too… according to a spokesman at the state-run National Penitentiary, as long as the prisoner were back by 10pm Thursday night, they would NOT be penalized! ***MARLAR: That’s not prison… that’s a job!

STRANGE LAW: You may not catch a fish in Pennsylvania using any body part except the mouth (I assume they mean the fish’s mouth, not yours.)

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Drinking and driving is dumb.  So is playing with matches.

Police in upstate New York accuse student Christopher Chianese of going through a lot of trouble to avoid a DWI court date. Now he’s in a lot more trouble. He’s charged with torching the new municipal offices in Seneca Falls that housed the court. He allegedly set fire to the building just hours before he was to answer a felony charge of driving while intoxicated. Now he faces a charge of third-degree arson and was ordered held on 200-thousand dollars cash bail. If convicted, he could get up to 15 years in prison.

PHONER PHUN

Are kids too spoiled these days? My niece’s bedroom has a television, VCR, DVD player, X-Box, telephone, cell phone, stereo and her own bathroom. She even has a mini-fridge! There’s no reason for her to ever leave her room. Is this too much for a teenager to have? How do you punish a kid who has all of these things? You can’t send her to her room without any supper because she can just crank open the fridge and pop in a movie.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was Hosea’s second son?

ANSWER: Lo-ammi (Hosea 1:8-9)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In the comic strip “Peanuts”, how many home runs did Charlie Brown ever hit?

ANSWER: Charlie Brown hits a game-winning home run on March 30, his first (and only) in 43 years. (Unfortunately – he never did get to kick that football Lucy was holding for him.)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The visiting team must provide the referee with 24 footballs for each National Football League game. (False – the home team must supply them)

2. The maximum weight for a golf ball is 2.01 ounces. (False – 1.62 oz)

3. A flea expert is a pullicologist. (True)

4. A bear has 78 teeth. (False – 42 teeth)

5. M&M’s stands for the last names of Forrest Mars, Sr., the candymaker, and his associate Bruce Murrie. (True)

6. Duddley DoRight’s Horse’s name was “Horse.” (True)

7. On Sesame Street, Bert’s goldfish were named Lyle and Talbot. (True, presumably after the actor Lyle Talbot)

8. The word “hangnail” refers to the gallows. (False – it comes from Middle English: ang- [painful] + nail. It has nothing to do with hanging.)

9. Louis IV of France had a stomach the size of three regular stomachs. (False – but still big. His stomach was the size of TWO human stomaches.)

10. Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain smoked four cigars a day for the last years of his life. (False – he smoked forty a day!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

SUPER ________S FOUND!  (EARTHS)

Three Super Earths, capable of supporting life, were discovered by scientists.

Astronomers believe they are close to our galaxy and that all three “earths” can sustain human life.

Super Earths mean they have between one and 10 times the mass of the Earth.

Previous studies had identified three planets orbiting the star, including one in the habitable zone.

Lead scientist Dr Gino Angelo, from the University of  Rome, said: ‘We identified three strong signals in the star before, but it was possible that smaller planets were hidden in the data.

Angelo said that the planets seem to be identical in make-up to Earth and that “you can almost seen the oceans on each of the planets.”  Angelo also picked ups signals coming from the Super Earths.   He thinks that “humans” on the Super Earths are also looking for us.

The Chinese want to take the “lead” on travel to the new Super Earths and stated that they will launch a space ship in the next ten years to go to each of the planets.

President Obama also hailed the discovery and plans to send a Republican delegation to the planets as soon as possible.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.

He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: “Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow.”

The clerk says, “You can add another ‘Bow wow’ for the same price.”

“But,” the dog says, “wouldn’t that sound a little silly?”

JOKE #2

At my friends’ wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words.  He turned to his bride’s mother. “You’ve given me a gift,” he began, “a gift that…”

Here he paused, a pause that grew in length.
”That you can’t return!” his mother-in-law completed.

JOKE #3

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, “Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.”

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, “I eat moderately and I exercise frequently.”

“Hmm?” said the manager. “And are you sure you having nothing else to add?”

“Well, yes,” said the member. “I lie extensively.”

USELESS FACTS

There’s a radio station in Gifu, Japan that broadcasts nothing but a human heartbeat 24 hours a day. Listeners say that hearing it helps them relax.  ***MARLAR: The format is called Arrhythmia and Blues.

Two Australian scientists claim they have invented a real thinking cap that can actually improve the thinking skills and IQ of people who wear it. ***MARLAR: If you think you look stupid while wearing the thinking cap, that’s just evidence that it’s working.

FEATURED FUNNIES

REAL MUSICIAN
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some “real” musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion.”

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay”.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NEED A FAMOUS FACE TO GRACE YOUR NEXT EVENT?

Odds are, you can’t afford them. How about a has-been celebrity? You probably can’t afford THEM either! Here’s what a few of the stars of yesterday are charging to give speeches.

  • Howie Mandel $70,000

  • Suzanne Somers $62,000

  • Louie Anderson $44,000

  • LeVar Burton $30,000

  • Bob Eubanks $10,000

***MARLAR: Heck – I’ll come out to your event for gas money and a Diet Mt. Dew.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SIGNS SEEN ON CHURCH MARQUEES

  • “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins”

  • “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”

  • “Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”

  • “God so loved the world that He did not send a committee”

  • “When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right”

  • “Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday”

  • “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LIVING UP TO THE NAME

Read: Ephesians 2:1-10

[God] made us alive together with Christ. –Ephesians 2:5

A new Christian was reading through the Gospels. After she finished, she told a friend she wanted to read a book on church history. When her friend asked why, the woman replied, “I’m curious. I’ve been wondering when Christians started to become so unlike Christ.”

We can understand why this new convert was perplexed. There is a great disparity between the life of Christ and the lives of many who bear His name. In fact, some believers are even imitating the world instead of trying to live like Jesus.

Almost 2,000 years have passed since followers of Jesus were first called Christians (Acts 11:26). Today, we who have placed our trust in the Savior still bear that name and march under the same banner as those early believers.

The Bible says that we are God’s “workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10). When we call ourselves Christians, we are saying to the world that Christ is our Savior and that we are following Him.

Christians have a glorious name. It is a great privilege to be identified with Christ–and a great obligation to live up to His name!

LEFTOVERS

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Ever thought about changing your name for any reason? A five-year-old boy has done it!

A five-year-old boy has changed his name because it was too long for him to write down. Josef Michael William Duncan-Williamson decided he’d had enough after coming home from school crying. Hey, with a name like that, you’d get hand cramps before even beginning to write your book report! His mother Gail took out a newspaper ad to announce the change to simply Josef William Duncan. Now the little boy is writing his name all over the place. ***MARLAR: I guess he doesn’t mind writing after all!

LIFE… LIVE IT

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING CEREAL BOX

Have you noticed a few less snaps, crackles and pops in your cereal lately?

…That’s because cereal boxes – and the amount of cereal inside – are shrinking. Last June, Kellogg slimmed down its cereal boxes. Froot Loops, Cocoa Krispies, Corn Pops, Apple Jacks and Honey Smacks all decreased by about 2.4 ounces. Meanwhile, Unilever recently shrank bottles of Hellman’s Real Mayonnaise, Breyer’s Ice Cream and Skippy, among other items. And while a bag that holds potato chips may not be shrinking, what’s inside is. But consumers are noticing: 75% of those surveyed by Consumer Reports in July said they noticed packages are shrinking and 71% believed the main reason for downsizing was to hide price hikes from consumers. Yet, half of those surveyed said they’d prefer that manufacturers keep the old package and raise the price. Unfortunately, many manufacturers are shrinking the contents and its packaging AND raising prices.

JUST FOR FUN

Being robbed in your home while fast asleep is one thing, but being carjacked while asleep at the wheel – now that story is totally bizarre! 

A Seattle man is doing well after sleeping through a carjacking. That’s right… he slept through the carjacking!  Police say four men forced four people out of their Honda Passport and went for joyride. But they didn’t get very far after realizing that a fifth person was still sleeping in the backseat. When discovered, the carjackers apparently panicked and the Honda ran into a parked car a short distance later. The four men inside fled and police were able to catch up with one of the suspects, but the other three are still on the loose. No one was injured.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’RE NOT SUPERMAN

  • People recognize you even without your glasses.

  • A speeding bullet kicked your butt on the 200-meter dash.

  • Your application to the Justice League was rejected.

  • Your X-Ray vision only enables you to see through glass.

  • You look pretty dorky in a cape.

  • Your home planet is still habitable, but your father sent you here anyway.

  • Instead of “It’s a bird, it’s a plane…” people say, “What IS that ugly thing?”

  • The armor piercing bullets rip through your flesh like a hot knife through butter.

  • When your therapist says “Lex,” you say “-us”

  • Evil super-villains don’t know your girlfriend or where she lives.

  • Exposure to Kryptonite only gives you a ringing in the ears.

  • The only way you got the pickle jar open was by smashing it with a hammer.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

OUR BRITISH FRIENDS LOVE THE UFOS

Maybe David Duchovny should move to Great Britain. According to Britain’s Ministry of Defense, the number of UFO sightings in the country rose by about 40 percent over last year. There were 135 reports of UFO sightings — up from 97 sightings recorded the year before. One report says that a camper lost his dog when it was abducted by an alien ship in Cardiff. Another report claims that there was a sighting of two mile-wide objects over Guernsey. Another witness in Rotherham claimed seeing “a bright triangular object in the sky,” which was stationary at first and then moved. (BBC News)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Need something to keep you going throughout the day? Here are some healthy snacks to keep in your desk:

  • Individually wrapped dark chocolate squares

  • Roasted chickpeas

  • Fruit and nut bars

  • Whole nuts in pre-measured 1/4 cup portions

There are also a few things you should avoid having at your desk!  Get the list at http://ti.me/28ggOWy

A new study has found that women who wait till marriage to have sex are less likely to later get divorced than women who have premarital sex. The study also found that only three percent of women, however, wait until marriage to have sex. And it found that women married since the year 2000 who had two sexual partners prior to marriage surprisingly were just as likely to get divorced as women who had 10 or more sexual partners. According to the report, the main reason that women choose abstinence is religion.

http://dlvr.it/LWHHM5

How can you stay awake, even if you don’t get enough sleep?  The website New Theory has a few suggestions, including socializing, chewing gum, and… believe it or not… giving up coffee!  Read more about it: http://ow.ly/V0l93015g96

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Well, I’ve got to run. My fan club is meeting tonight and I promised I’d play checkers with the guy.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 15, 2016…

Equals—In this society, there is not supposed to be any emotion, but that doesn’t always work. Kirsten Stewart and Nicholas Hoult find out how dangerous it can be when love impedes the state progressing. “Equals” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Ghostwriters—Redoing “Ghostbusters” with a different cast has been tossed around Hollywood for a long time and now it happened…with a female cast. The operatives are Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon. They go after evil spirits in the Big City. Plus, there is green goop everywhere. Sigh. “Ghostbusters” is rated PG 13. No rating.

The Infiltrator—Just how far and how deep underground does money laundering go?  Bryan Cranston wants to find out in this story based on a true incident, where someone goes undercover to find out about the dangerous Escobar drug cartel family. “The Infiltrator” is rated R. No rating.

JULY 22, 2016…

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie follows the adventures of Edina (Jennifer Saunders) and Patsy  (Joanna Lumley). This was a British hit TV comedy series.

Ice Age: Collision Course is another in the animated series of the animals of long ago, and this time their habitat is in danger. Voices of Ray Ramano and John Luguizamo.

Lights Out  is another what-is-haunting-us-now film and stars Teresa Palmer.

Star Trek Beyond and this is the 50th anniversary of this science fiction franchise. Justin Lin is at the directorial helm as Chris Pine (as Captain James T. Kirk) and crew go into the great beyond with fans right behind them. Sign me up. The late Anton Yelchin is one of the stars of this film.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.