July 25, 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150725

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The program normally heard at this time will not be heard at this time so we can bring you something at this time worth hearing.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“And Jesus answered saying to them, ‘Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, “Be taken up and cast into the sea,” and does not doubt in his heart, but believe that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.’”  –Mark 11:22-24

 

Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. — Psalm 112:5

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. — Psalm 71:9

 

Thought: We live in an age where those who are older are often shoved aside. This is true in the professional world with employees. This is also true in churches which often find themselves pandering to those who are younger or more financially powerful, while forgetting the aging and powerless. Let’s remember that God cares what happens to each one of us, no matter status or stature or age.

 

Prayer: Almighty God, I know that you will never leave me or forsake me. I believe the promise that nothing can separate me from your love for me in Christ Jesus. But Father, I see so many who are older and forgotten that I must admit that I am frightened that I, too, will face loneliness and feebleness in those last days. Please give me confidence to cast my anxieties on you and trust in your presence. Most of all, Father, I pray that you will be glorified in my body in life and death, in health and sickness, and in youth and age. In Jesus’ glorious name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Hebrews 7:25 NIV
Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – JULY 25, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 154 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is the BIRTHDAY OF THE BIRTHDAY CAKE.

 

Today is NATIONAL HOT FUDGE SUNDAE DAY. ***MARLAR: As if you need an excuse.

 

NATIONAL SALAD WEEK. ***MARLAR: Which goes terribly with hot fudge.

 

Today is BE ADAMANT ABOUT SOMETHING DAY. ***MARLAR: Like about getting a hot fudge sundae!

 

Today is PARENTS DAY, paying tribute to parents whose devotion to their children strengthens our society and forms the foundation for a bright future for America. ***MARLAR: That’s all well and good, but haven’t we already covered this with Mothers Day and Fathers Day? Kinda redundant, isn’t it? Plus we have Grandparents Day – which is essentially just Parents-Of-Parents Day.

 

Today is FEED THE COUNTRY DUCKS DAY. ***MARLAR: That either means to feed the ducks when you’re out in the country, or to feed our entire nation duck for dinner.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Carousel Day (Merry-Go-Round Day)

National Dance Day

National Day of the Cowboy

Thread The Needle Day

Video Games Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, JULY 26

Aunties Day

One Voice

Paddle for Perthes Disease Awareness Day

Parents’ Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 27

Barbie-in-a-Blender Day

National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day

Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day

Walk on Stilts Day

 

TUESDAY, JULY 28

Buffalo Soldiers Day

National Milk Chocolate Day

World Hepatitis Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 29

Lasagna Day

National Chicken Wing Day

Rain Day

 

THURSDAY, JULY 30

Cheesecake Day

Father-in-Law Day

Friendship Day

Health Care Now! (Medicare’s Birthday)

International Day of Friendship

National Support Public Education Day

Paperback Book Day

National Chili Dog Day

 

FRIDAY, JULY 31

National Talk in an Elevator Day

System Administrator Appreciation Day

Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day

World Ranger Day

 

SATURDAY, AUGUST 01

Girlfriend’s Day

India Pale Ale Beer Day

Mead Day

National Minority Donor Awareness Day

National Mustard Day

Respect For Parents

Rounds Resounding Day

Sandcastle Day

Spider-Man Day

US Air Force Day

World Lung Cancer Day

World Wide Web Day

World Scout Scarf Day

 

SUNDAY, AUGUST 02

Friendship Day

National Doll Day

National Kids’ Day

Sister’s Day

Take a Penny/Leave a Penny Day

 

MONDAY, AUGUST 03

Assistance Dog Day

Friendship Day

National Psychic Day

Watermelon Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

 

44: St. James the Greater, the apostle and brother of St. John, was killed at Jerusalem.

 

1872: One of the most unusual rains in history occurred as thousands of black worms rained from the sky over Bucharest, Rumania.

 

1899: Stuart Hine was born in England. While serving as a missionary to Ukraine, he wrote English words to a traditional Swedish hymn, which is sung today as “How Great Thou Art.”

 

1969: U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy pleaded guilty to a charge of leaving the scene of an accident one week after an auto accident at Chappaquiddick had taken the life of Mary Jo Kopechne.

 

1979: President Jimmy Carter absolved Dr. Samuel Mudd, the physician who had treated John Wilkes Booth’s broken leg, of any responsibility in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Mudd’s name was no longer mud.

 

1984: Singer/composer Willie Mae “Big Mama” Thornton died. In August 1952 she recorded “You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Hound Dog” for Houston’s Peacock Records. (

)

 

1990: Roseanne Barr sang “The National Anthem” before a major-league baseball game in San Diego. When she spit and scratched herself, the fans booed. ***MARLAR: The umpires should have thrown her out for unsportsmanlike conduct. (

)

 

1992: A college student in Ogden, Utah, got so mad at Baskin-Robbins employees for closing before he got his ice cream, he mooned them. Unfortunately, he pressed too hard against the window, shattered the glass, and cut his buttocks. ***MARLAR: Fortunately, at a Baskin-Robbins there’s plenty of ice to apply to the wound.

 

1998: A pair of identical Ethiopian twin brothers drew lots near Addis Ababa to see who would marry whom after their parents arranged their marriage to a pair of identical twin girls. ***MARLAR: Don’t like the outcome? Switch! Who’s gonna know?

 

1999: In Bath, England, fragments of a man’s false teeth were found in his windpipe eight years after he thought he lost them in a traffic accident. Mike Russell had suffered severe breathing difficulties for years until doctors finally found four front teeth, still attached to a dental plate, wedged above the entrance to his right lung. They were removed in ten minutes and his breathing improved immediately.

 

2002: Texas Governor George W. Bush selected Dick Cheney to be his running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.

 

2002: In England, police tried to issue a speeding ticket for a vintage vehicle with a top speed of 18 mph which hadn’t been on the roads for 40 years. A prosecution notice sent to a museum West Yorkshire claimed the ‘mechanical horse’ was clocked doing 44 mph in a 30 mph zone. The Scammel three-wheeler was parked up at the Museum of Rail Travel when it was supposed to have been speeding in Bolton. Police said the mix-up occurred when the Scammel’s license number was confused with one on a Belgian car.

 

2004: Lance Armstrong won the grueling Tour de France bicycle race for a record sixth consecutive year.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

325: The Council of Nicea closes. The first ecumenical council, convened by Constantine, it rejected the Arians (who denied the full divinity of Christ) as heretics.

 

1593: King Henry IV of France, raised a Protestant, converts to Catholicism. Long considered a political move, the conversion is now thought to have been sincere, partially because of the king’s statement that “religion is not changed as easily as a shirt.” His conversion did not end his sympathy for Protestants, however, and in 1598 he promulgated the Edict of Nantes, giving Protestants freedom of worship and permitting them to garrison certain towns for security.

 

1817: Death of John Fawcett who wrote the hymn “Blest be the Tie.”

 

1918: Walter Rauschenbusch, Baptist pastor and theologian of the Social Gospel, dies. His books, including Christianity and the Social Crisis and The Social Principles of Jesus, influenced many—among them Martin Luther King, Jr., who observed that “Rauschenbusch gave to American Protestantism a sense of social responsibility that it should never lose.”

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Joey,” “Friends”, Lost in Space, “Episodes”) Matt LeBlanc, 48 — Matt — who’s interests include carpentry, sky-diving, car racing and landscape photography — was, at one time, the king of TV ads. He did commercials for Heinz ketchup, Levi’s, Doritos and Coca-Cola. (
    )
  • Actress (The Single Guy, Cape Fear, Goodfellas) Illeana Douglas, 50
  • Model/actress (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, No Way Out) Iman, 60

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1925 : William “Benny” Benjamin (The Funk Brothers)

1934 : Don Ellis

1941 : Manny Charlton (Nazareth)

1942 : Bruce Woodley (The Seekers)

1943 : Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds, Renaissance)

1944 : Tom Dawes (The Cyrcle)

1946 : Jose Chepito Areas (Santana)

1948 : Steve Goodman

1950 : Mark Clarke (Uriah Heep)

1951 : Verdine White (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1958 : Thurston Moore (Sonic Youth)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How was the first radio telescope developed?

A radio telescope is a highly directional radio antenna that is able to create a map of the sky by recording signals coming from different directions. Although radio engineer Karl Jansky was the first to identify deep space radio signals in 1931, his antenna was not good at pinpointing individual sources. The first steerable radio telescope was built in 1937 by Grote Reber, who had applied to work with Jansky but was turned down because of the poor economic times. So he decided to build his own radio telescope, a 31.4-foot metal dish (9.6 meters) mounted on a directional cradle in Wheaton, Illinois. With his radio telescope, Reber was able to detect radio emissions from the Sun, the center of the Milky Way Galaxy, and several other “radio-bright” sources. By 1941, he had completed the first crude radio survey of the northern sky. Today his radio telescope is an historical monument in Green Bank, West Virginia.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Laura Story was out on the road this week and it was a tough concert. She shared that this week she had her first night away from the twins. Laura says it was a tearful parting but she was thankful for friends and family who were there to fill in while she was gone.

 

Kelly Clarkson is helping to introduce her audience to up and coming artists. She is showcasing artists as part of her Open Mic Night and Jamie Grace was one of the artists she featured this week during a stop in Buffalo, New York. Jamie featured one of her old YouTube cover songs and says she was grateful for the chance to sing during Kelly’s show.

 

Chris August was talking this week about going through depression. He was sharing about his song Muddy Waters from the album The Maker but, while the song is about depression, Chris say he worked hard to make sure that it wasn’t a depressing song. In fact, he said it’s one of his favorite songs to play live. (The audio of this would be great on the air!) https://t.co/jdLoHK5Ocr

 

Jenny Simmons got a Christmas in July present this week. She shared online that it was 9:49 a.m. and her daughter Annie was still SOUND ASLEEP. Jenny said: I’ve gotten four solid hours of work in this morning. It’s basically Christmas.

 

Chris Tomlin is on the lookout for an imposter. One of his fans wrote asking about a Facebook page for Chris Dwayne Tomlin that features picture of The worship leader Chris Tomlin. Chris himself replied: thank you so much for letting us know. That page is definitely a fake. Please do not accept their friend request and report the page to Facebook!

 

Jimmy Needham tweeted this week: Don’t let anyone tell you adopting internationally is easy. Jimmy share a picture of all their paperwork laid out on the floor, all 30 pages. Jimmy Needham and his wife are in the process of adopting from India.

 

Citizenway’s Ben Blascoe this week was celebrating 5,258,880 minutes of Marriage to his wife Jessica. Ben tweeted: Happy 10 Years Babe!

 

Jason Gray has been tweeting regularly from camp this summer but leading worship just got more difficult. Jason says he was accidentally kicked in the thumb while playing soccer, sharing a picture of his swollen right thumb. He’s finding out that he used his thumb for a lot more than he realized.

 

Plumb says phase two of their house renovations are in full swing. The Christian artist has been tweeting regularly about the renovation work being doing on their home, nicknamed The Hope House. But now she says they are starting to expand. Plumb said they are digging and pouring footings so they can add on a bed room and additional bathrooms. She says they are keeping it simple and small but are also making it more functional.

 

Astronaut Terry Virts says the recent close up views of Pluto reminded him of the Brandon Heath song For The First Time. Brandon is friends with Terry and had the chance to play the song before Virts launch to the International Space Station in November.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Drunk man who jumped in lake to avoid rescuers sent to trial
LEVITTOWN, Pa. (AP) — A district judge says a drunken-driving suspect who ran naked from a hospital and jumped into an eastern Pennsylvania lake must stand trial for disorderly conduct and other charges. The defense attorney for 29-year-old Gregory Morten, of New Hope, argued Thursday that…

 

Man leaves dead rattlesnake on Arizona police memorial    photo
COTTONWOOD, Ariz. (AP) — A 23-year-old man thought it would be funny to put a dead rattlesnake on a northern Arizona police memorial, but authorities were not amused. Nathan Cody Cumiford, of Cottonwood, was arrested Monday and faces a misdemeanor littering charge. He was released on his own…
BLM: Idaho cyclist sparks fire by burning used toilet paper
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — Authorities say a cyclist started a 73-acre wildfire in southwest Idaho by lighting his toilet paper on fire after taking a comfort break. U.S. Bureau of Land Management officials say the cyclist stopped to defecate in a ravine in the Boise foothills on Wednesday…
Maine fisherman finds bright orange lobster; his 2nd rarity    photo
RAYMOND, Maine (AP) — A Maine lobsterman has caught a rare bright orange lobster, the second time he’s pulled an odd-colored crustacean from state waters. HASH(0x14139e0) Robert Bayer, executive director of The Lobster Institute at the University of Maine, says the odds of catching an orange…
Half-naked ‘Spartans’ attract attention of Beijing police    photo
BEIJING (AP) — A salad store paraded dozens of half-naked Western men dressed as Spartans through China’s capital as a publicity stunt, causing a stir and drawing a crackdown by police who were photographed restraining some of them on the ground. About 40 mostly blond and brown-haired men…
Milwaukee man shoots dog, mistaking it for reported lion
MILWAUKEE (AP) — A man who thought he spotted a lion that people have reported seeing wandering on Milwaukee’s north side has shot and injured a large pit bull. Police say the dog, which was shot Tuesday night, is being cared for at the Milwaukee Area Domestic Animal Control Commission. The…
560-pound man biking across US to lose weight    photo
TIVERTON, R.I. (AP) — A 560-pound man biking across the United States to lose weight hit a snag in Rhode Island. HASH(0x13d81b0) Newport Bicycle is outfitting Hites with a new bike that can withstand his weight. In two weeks on the road, the 40-year-old says he’s lost 60 pounds. Hites, who…
Craigslist founder gives group $10,000 for composting toilet
MORRISTOWN, N.J. (AP) — The founder of Craigslist has donated $10,000 for a composting toilet that will be named in his honor by a northern New Jersey organization. Grow It Green Morristown says Craig Newmark’s donation will likely cover the purchase of the toilet for the group’s Early Street…
Maine brewer makes beer out of live lobsters, sea salt    photo
PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — A Maine brewer is offering a quicker way to consume two of the state’s summertime staples: beer and lobster. Oxbow Brewing is serving up beer brewed with live Maine lobsters and a dash of sea salt. Brewmaster Tim Adams says the lobsters were placed in a mesh bag and…
Police: Man hid under bed for 3 days at ex-girlfriend’s home
SPOTSWOOD, N.J. (AP) — A man who police say sneaked into a central New Jersey home and hid under a bed for three days before he was found was the ex-boyfriend of the homeowners’ daughter. Spotswood police announced late Tuesday that Jason Hubbard was charged with burglary in the incident,…
Police: Man drove drunk, carried box of beer on lawn tractor
WASHINGTONVILLE, Pa. (AP) — State troopers say they had to use a rope to corral a man who was driving drunk on his lawn mower with a box of beer. HASH(0x13e3650) Police received a call that night about an agitated, mower-driving man making threats. Responding troopers said they could smell…

 

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Lifestyle changes may guard aging brain against memory loss    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The latest Alzheimer’s research has a clear theme: Change your lifestyle to protect your brain. It will take several years for scientists to prove whether some experimental drugs could at least delay Alzheimer’s disease, and an aging population is at risk now. Whatever…

 

EU drug regulator recommends 1st license for malaria shot    photo
LONDON (AP) — The European Medicines Agency is recommending the world’s leading malaria vaccine be licensed even though it is only about 30 percent effective and that protection fades over time. In a statement published on Friday, the agency said it had “adopted a positive scientific opinion”…
Exercise good for brain, even for those with Alzheimer’s    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Exercise may do more than keep a healthy brain fit: New research suggests working up a good sweat may also offer some help once memory starts to slide— and even improve life for people with Alzheimer’s. The effects were modest, but a series of studies reported Thursday…
Report details chronic problems at Army anthrax facility
NEW YORK (AP) — Pentagon officials released a report Thursday detailing recurring problems at an Army bioterror facility that accidentally sent live anthrax to other labs for more than a decade. At a press briefing in Washington, military officials said half the lots of anthrax produced at…
India’s ‘Medicine Baba’ gets drugs from rich, gives to poor    photo
NEW DELHI (AP) — Omkarnath spends his days searching New Delhi for drugs. A call to the phone number printed boldly on his saffron-colored tunic reveals his alternate identity: “Hello, I am Medicine Baba.” The chatty, 79-year-old retired blood-bank technician has been collecting unused…
Eli Lilly: Experimental Alzheimer’s drug shows some benefit    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Eli Lilly & Co. reported Wednesday that an experimental medication might slow mild Alzheimer’s if people take it early enough, one of a handful of drugs in late-stage testing in the frustrating hunt for a better treatment. The new findings don’t prove that Lilly’s…
House passes bill to prevent mandatory GMO labeling    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Food companies would not have to disclose whether their products include genetically modified ingredients under legislation passed by the House Thursday. The House bill is backed by the food industry, which has fought mandatory labeling efforts in several states around the…
5 things from annual check-up for Social Security, Medicare    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Looking at the big picture, the financial health of Social Security and Medicare doesn’t appear to have worsened. Wednesday’s annual check-up found that Social Security’s retirement trust fund has enough money to pay full benefits until 2035, a year later than previously…
Lawmakers: VA hid details as budget crisis loomed    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Lawmakers from both parties accused the Department of Veterans Affairs Wednesday of hiding details of a budget crisis that could force the shutdown of some VA hospitals next month. The VA said last week it may shutter hospitals unless Congress closes a $2.5 billion shortfall…
Report: Teen use of morning-after pill is climbing    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — More than 1 in 5 sexually active teen girls have used the morning-after pill — a dramatic increase that likely reflects that it’s easier now for teens to buy the emergency contraceptive. A report released Wednesday shows teen use of the morning-after pill rose steadily…
Study: Women with mild memory problem worsen faster than men    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Older women with mild memory impairment worsened about twice as fast as men, researchers reported Tuesday, part of an effort to unravel why women are especially hard-hit by Alzheimer’s. Nearly two-thirds of Americans with Alzheimer’s are women. At age 65, seemingly healthy…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Abbreviated is a Long Word”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Kerri Pomarolli, “Christmas Bargains”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were lost in the jungle because they all went out to look for Racquet, who was also lost. Racquet went out into the jungle because his crayons were lost and he promised to do a portrait for the Rabbit Family. We now find all of the animals wondering what to do next.

 

CLOSE: Tune in next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 25/26, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffelson, in order to avoid having to work, nailed the Razzleflabbins’ calendar clock hands so they’d stay on Saturday. But now it’s been Saturday for several days… and there’s nothing left to eat on the entire jungle except bread and water!

 

CLOSE: Will Marvy ever fess up to the truth that it’s actually HIS fault? Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

What if Noah’s Ark was built today?

For over three decades now, many residents of Frostburg, Maryland, have been puzzled, and annoyed, at the three-story-high, 400-foot-long metal- and-concrete frame that Pastor Richard Greene calls his modern Noah’s Ark. Pastor Green said the idea came to him in a vision during 1976 and he works on the thing in his spare time while awaiting Judgment Day. Some neighbors are patient, but others call the Ark an eyesore that depresses property values and wastes religious charity money. So far, contributions to the Pastor Greene Ark project have totaled $1 million bucks!  ***MARLAR: As a pastor, shouldn’t he know that God promised never to flood the planet ever again?

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU SLEPT IN TOO LATE

 

  1. You try and get up for Letterman, but just manage to catch the closing credits.

 

  1. When you went to bed your son was asleep in his crib. When you woke up he had graduated from college.

 

  1. You were supposed to be at work by 8. It’s now November.

 

  1. Little men are tying you down and charging other little men to look at you.

 

  1. You don’t have the same roommates as you did when you went to bed.

 

  1. You come out of your room and your parents are shocked that you were home all this time.

 

  1. The alarm clock must not have gone off. You only got up when that “Charming” fellow kissed you.

 

  1. You don’t ever remember wanting to start a beard…. but what the hey. Who says you can’t accomplish anything when sleeping?

 

  1. When you roll out of bed, the sheet makes that distinctive “packing tape” sound as it peels off your back

 

  1. The sleep crusties around your eyes have taken over your face, making it look like a cauliflower.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you’re planning a bank-robbery, it’s probably best to leave your girlfriend at home. 

 

FILE #1: Ronnie Green of Evansville, Illinois entered the Civitas Bank, giving the teller a note asking for $500 and in which he claimed to have a gun. But when the teller showed him that her money drawer was empty he left, much to the apparent disapproval of his girlfriend who was waiting outside. The two remained outside the bank arguing, giving an off duty police officer plenty of time to enter the bank and then step back out and arrest them.

 

FILE #2: An Edmonton, Alberta, Canada man who had his sport utility vehicle stolen earlier this month was surprised to get a call over the weekend telling him he could have the vehicle back for $50. The man who owns the 2003 Chevy Blazer arranged to meet the mysterious caller at a liquor store Sunday afternoon to make the swap. Nearby police, who’d been notified by the owner, arrested a man who arrived in the Blazer.

 

FILE #3: 48-year-old Charles Perkert broke into a Chinese restaurant and left his cell phone at the scene. Cops found the phone and began scanning through its contacts list. When they came to ‘Mom’s number,’ an officer called and asked the lady on the other end how he could return the phone to her son. The woman unknowingly led the cops right to her son’s front door, where they arrested Perkert and charged him with third-degree burglary.

 

STRANGE LAW: A Michigan state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A homemade license plate leads police to a criminal inDUHvidual!

Mitchell Raulerson of Seville, Florida, was arrested by Seminole County sheriff’s deputies on his 16th drunk driving charge, as well as driving on a permanently revoked license and other charges. What first drew their attention was not his erratic driving, but the fact that the license plate on his van was hand-drawn.  ***MARLAR: He couldn’t stay inside the lines on the license plate or on the road.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Remember your first job? Tell us about it. Did you hate it? Love it? What job are you the most nostalgic for?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is mentioned as the father of those who play the harp and organ?
ANSWER: Jubal (Genesis 4:21)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The only genuine freshwater sharks in the world can be found… where?   ///   ANSWER: The Ganges River in India

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Welsh mercenary bowmen in the medieval period only wore one shoe at a time. (True)

 

  1. There are only 18 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet. (False – there are only 12)

 

  1. Charles de Gaulle’s final words were, “It hurts.” (True)

 

  1. Brooklyn is the Dutch name for “broken city”. (False – it’s “broken valley.”)

 

  1. There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a U.S. ten-dollar bill. (True)

 

  1. White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith, formerly of the Monkees. (True)

 

  1. Naugahyde, plastic “leather” was created in Naugatuck, Connecticut. (True)

 

  1. The Swiss flag is round. (False – square)

 

  1. The largest land-owner in England is the Queen. (True – followed by the Church of England and Trinity College, Cambridge.)

 

  1. The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“People Remember Their First Car More Than Their First _______!” (KISS)


In a surprising survey, more adults say they can remember their first car more than they can remember their first kiss. More than 40% were so attached to their first car that they could recall its license plate number in full.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday school class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture that would illustrate some part of the story.

Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat behind the wheel was a rather large man and in the back seat a man and a woman.

The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson. But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”

 

JOKE #2

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so 
invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”
The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

 

JOKE #3

As a court clerk, Rhonda was well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom.  Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.  During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. 
”There may be,” he replied. “Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.” 
Both were excused.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Good news! Scientists have found a way of stopping beans from causing gas! Supposedly, a short burst of gamma radiation before soaking the beans does the trick.  ***MARLAR: One of the unfortunate side effects though is that you can’t sleep at night because your eyelids glow in the dark.

 

The UFO and Paranormal College has opened in Russia in response to a rash of unexplained crop circles in the region.  The faculty says they are qualified to teach the course, because they have video footage featuring the type of UFOs called Belgian triangles, which they say are frequent visitors to their city.  ***MARLAR: Um… no. That’s like saying I’m qualified to teach a course on time-travel, because I own all of the Back to the Future DVDs. (

)

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

IT’S THE TRUTH

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into the insurance office to file a disability claim. As the agent scanned the claim form, he did a double take. Under “Reason unable to work,” she wrote: “Can’t stand to cook.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TAX TROUBLE

Gerardo Gonzalez is a very depressed man right now. It seems that taxes are getting the best of him too… but even more so than the rest of us.

The IRS says that poor Mr. Gonzalez owes the government $16,000 in back taxes! But the IRS loses a little credibility on this one, because they also say that he was working in 12 cities all at the same time! That has not stopped them, however, from withholding $3,000 from his paychecks to pay his tax bill. According to the IRS, Mr. Gonzalez worked simultaneously in Arkansas, Arizona, Texas, North Carolina, Indiana, Nebraska, Iowa, Maryland and Tennessee. After much explaining, the IRS, the Social Security Administration and the FBI are now finally convinced that he wasn’t working in all those states at the same time. (Gosh, really?!?!) They’ve concluded that other people must be using his social security number. They have canceled the debt and will return his money.  Gerardo isn’t so sure the matter is over (and knowing our government, I don’t blame him). Just in case the IRS returns, he’s sold his car, because he doesn’t want the government to repossess it.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

BRANDO TALKS
We always hoped that Brando would learn to speak. We never guessed what he’d have to say

When we first bought our macaw in late September of 1982, my wife, Cindy, and I named him Cesar, after Cesar Romero, the handsome Latin American movie actor famous for his smooth, suave speaking voice.
But after we had our parrot for several weeks, we decided to rename him, because try as we might to get him to mimic any phrase at all–even a simple “hello”–we could only get him to whistle and, occasionally, to emit a loud, ear-piercing squawk. Cindy said it sounded to her like Stanley yelling for Stella in “A Streetcar Named Desire,” so she voted for Brando to replace Cesar as the bird’s name.

Even though we were disappointed with our inarticulate bird, the truth of the matter was that we grew attached to Brando. He wasn’t terribly messy, and he did have a winning twinkle in his eyes.

One night, about five or six weeks after we got Brando, I came home from work to find Cindy sitting in the easy chair next to his perch, a puzzled look on her face. She put a finger to her lips, indicating a wish for silence, and nodded toward Brando. As if on cue, the bird suddenly spoke out, clear as could be, “Help me! Please, someone help me!”

Now it was my turn to look puzzled. “His first words, and he wants someone to rescue him from us? That’s gratitude for you.”

Cindy rolled her large brown eyes. “We’ve got a mystery here, you big lug. Why would Brando’s first clearly spoken words be a cry for help?”

I ran through the obvious answers. Had either of us left the television or radio on before leaving for work? Did Brando have some unresolved emotional or psychological issues of which we were unaware? Had Cindy herself screamed for help as she contemplated her mother’s fast-approaching weekend visit for Thanksgiving?

“No, no, and no!” Cindy replied to my teasing questions. “Hey–be quiet. Listen for a minute. I think I heard something.”

I sat down in the easy chair beside her and did as I was told.

And then, after a few minutes of silence, I heard it. A faint, faraway voice crying for help.

Once again, Brando was right on cue, providing us with an immediate echo: “Help me! Please, won’t someone help me!”

I got out of the chair and headed for the window. After a momentary struggle with a stubborn latch, I had it open and was listening intently to the sounds of traffic on a chilly November morning.

“Please help me!”

I told Cindy to call 911, and I went outside with a flashlight to investigate.

Rush hour was dying down, but there was still the din of traffic to contend with. Although the cries were easier to hear when I was outside, the hum of tires on the pavement and the occasional blare of a horn made it difficult to determine exactly where the owner of the voice might be.

I investigated the line of bushes between our house and the neighbor’s house, and I carefully directed the flashlight beam up and down our side of the street. After a few minutes, I was certain the cries were coming from a lot across the street where there now stood only a couple of old warehouses that would soon be torn down to make way for some new apartment complexes.
As I crossed the street, the person in distress obviously spotted my flashlight, because he called out, “I’m over here! Please help me!”
When I directed the beam toward the sound of the voice, I was shocked to see an older, white-haired gentleman pinned against the side of a building by a utility van.

Thankfully, at almost that same instant, the police car summoned by Cindy’s 911 call arrived, and the officers, in turn, immediately called an ambulance.

The incredible story was that 70-year-old Edward Kabrick, a semiretired plumber, had been using one of the old warehouses to store surplus equipment and supplies. He had gone out earlier that afternoon to pick up a used water softener for a customer’s apartment. Somehow, as he walked toward the door of the warehouse, his old van slipped out of “park” and rolled down the incline, pinning him against the brick wall.

In terrible pain, Kabrick started yelling for help, but since he was only a couple of streets away from a busy road, no one heard him above the traffic noises. The poor man had suffered the agony of broken ribs and legs for hours, lapsing into unconsciousness, then waking again to cry out desperately for help. He had repeated the pitiful cycle for hours, growing weaker each time he regained consciousness.

Kabrick worked only part-time, so no one would particularly notice if he came to the office or not. His wife had passed away three years before, so there was no one at home to miss him if he didn’t come home on schedule.
“I thought I would surely freeze to death if no one found me soon,” he said, shaking my hand as they were placing him in the ambulance. “Thank you for hearing my cries for help. I didn’t think that I would be able to last the night.”
I told him it was our parrot that deserved the thanks. Our mostly mute, mumbling parrot had apparently heard Kabrick earlier in the day when his voice was stronger, then had clearly repeated the cries for help with the same urgency with which the trapped man had uttered them.
One of the police officers chuckled and shook his head in wonder. “You found Mr. Kabrick because your parrot repeated his cries for help? I would call that some kind of miracle.”
I agreed. Why was it that good old Brando, a parrot that had never repeated a distinct word until that day, had suddenly chosen to echo an injured man’s desperate cries for help as loud and clear as could be?
“Yes,” I told the officer, “I think that ‘miracle’ will be the next word we’ll teach him.”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE LAMB IS OUR SHEPHERD

READ: Revelation 7:13-17

The Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. —Revelation 7:17

The book of Revelation gives us a marvelous picture. The Lamb of God leads us from one fountain of water to another, always deeper into the love of God (7:17).

Jesus prayed in the Upper Room shortly before He went to the cross: “I have declared to [the disciples] Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them” (John 17:26).

Jesus leads us into an ever deeper knowledge of the love of God. His concern is not merely that we know about God, but that we know how deeply we’re cherished and loved. As Jesus said, the love the Father has for the Son He also has for us.

But it’s a process to comprehend  that love. It takes time for God’s love to take hold of us. Perhaps you’re not sure that He loves you. Be patient. The Holy Spirit is at work guiding you into all truth (John 16:13). Read and meditate on His words and deeds in the Gospels. Ask Him to show you God’s love. In time He will reveal its “width and length and depth and height” (Ephesians 3:18).

 

And if I understand it correctly, the process will go on throughout eternity. We will be completely satisfied in heaven, and yet we will continue growing, for there is no end to the love of God. —David H. Roper

 

Our love has limits but God’s love is boundless.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

TWO KEYS SHORT OF A KEYRING

A friend of mine always locks his keys in the car by accident. He has been doing this for about a year, when one day last week, he said, “You know what? I’m going to leave the coat hanger in the trunk so I can unlock the car the next time this happens.”  Okay… quick question. How’s he supposed to get into the trunk to get the hangar if he’s locked his keys in the car… keys that are required to open the trunk in order to get the hangar he wants to use to get into the car he’s locked his keys in?  Is it any wonder my friend is still making minimum wage?

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

TECHNOMANNERS FOR PARENTS

(Family Circle) Your kids learn how to behave or not from the adults around them. Here are five ways to set a good example:

  • Silence is golden — Turn your phone off in restaurants, museums, movie theaters and public bathrooms. If you must be on call for example, you’re waiting to hear about a job, use the vibrate feature and take the call in private.
  • Be discreet — Steer clear of inappropriate conversations, both on cell phones and when e-mailing at work. “See you at 8” or “Please take the roast out of the freezer” are within the bounds of good taste. Arguing with your spouse is not.
  • Be polite — Don’t say anything in a phone message that you would not normally say to someone in person.
  • Send your regrets — Always use regular mail for condolence cards or letters. No typing allowed; take the time to write them by hand.
  • No multitasking — Don’t answer e-mail or check your voice messages and stock portfolio while chatting with your kids or watching their soccer match or school play.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

TOPLESS POOL

Believe it or not, lifeguards at the Wayne County’s Family Water Park in Detroit called the cops on a topless female swimmer! 

Now, before you shout “amen” to that, I need to let you know that the female swimmer in question is only three years old!  The girl’s mother, Karmia Sorel was told by park security guards that topless female toddlers are inappropriate at the pool.  Fortunately, the police had some sense. An officer from the 5th Precinct finally arrived, assessed the situation and then told the park manager Karmia was doing nothing wrong. The park apologized to Karmia.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like the pool’s lifeguards have been sniffing too much of the chlorine.

 

 

FUN LIST

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM A REDNECK

  • We’re vegetarians.
  • The tires on that truck are too big.
  • Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.
  • Checkmate!
  • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  • I’ll take “Shakespeare” for a $1000, Alex! (
    )

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Is there any moment of the day when our cell phones aren’t within reach?  Apparently not, because an online address-book site called Plaxo found that 19% of us have dropped our cell phones down the toilet. If that’s not bad enough, a new T-Mobile survey discovered 59% of us wouldn’t hesitate to ‘take the plunge’ and grab the phone. Yep, reach right in the toilet and save the iPhone.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. — Don Marquis

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. — Clarence Darrow

 

“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” — Lily Tomlin

 

“A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, ‘He was a loner.’ Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.” — George Carlin

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

Please Tell Me How You REALLY Feel

No doubt you have seen those bumper stickers on company vehicles asking, “How’s my driving?” Then there’s a phone number to call. I doubt anyone has called the number to say, “Hey, I’m following Joe’s Landscaping truck number 46111 and he’s driving really well. Using turn signals and everything!” Not gonna happen.
While in Branson, Missouri, recently, we stopped at a grocery story for a few items. And for some Starbucks. Before leaving, we used the store restrooms. Bad news. Both of the towel dispensers in my room were empty. Stuff on the floor. Overall, it just needed attention.
I saw a toll free number on the mirror asking for feedback if the restroom needed attention. I called. A friendly person took my comments and said they would contact a manager right away. I didn’t stick around to watch. But I felt like I’d done my lavatory civic duty. I liked the feel of immediate response.
Many companies use different methods to get customer feedback. Secret shoppers provide some real life customer experiences. There’s now a lot of receipt-based requests asking for you to complete a brief survey on a company. Even my doctors’ offices asking for online feedback on their services. (Response: Too long waiting!!!)
What I was surprised to learn recently is the number of companies asking for employee feedback. The information management is seeking measures worker satisfaction. And new apps give a lot of this information in real time — rather than just an end-of-year survey.
In a Fast Company article titled, “Unhappy at Work? Swipe Right to Tell the Boss,” I found out about several of these apps. http://www.fastcompany.com/3046843/unhappy-at-work-swipe-right-to-tell-the-boss
Here’s one example: “So for quick daily happiness check-ins, the company (Bunny, Inc) uses an app called Niko Niko that lets employees quickly swipe across their smartphone screens to indicate their overall moods, or to answer more specific survey questions. A touch-and-drag happiness meter and corresponding smiley (or frowny) face lets employees say how they’re feeling about everything from their relationship with their managers to the cleanliness of the corporate offices.”
Apparently, over $700 million a year is spent by companies to measure and boost employee engagement. Better engaged workforces have payoffs. That includes higher productivity, employee retention, and worker safety. All leading to improved profitability.
Another app is used to get feedback from job prospects. While not a perfect measurement tool, it aids in discovering whether a prospect for a job might be a good fit. They also get information from new-hires and from exit interviews. Clever.
Here’s the critical piece in using these employee response methods. As one exec says, the “kiss of death is to ask questions and do nothing about it.” When employees see results from their feedback, morale jumps. When they don’t, this becomes a waste of money and time.
As you might suspect, there is a lesson from the Bible that applies here. It is found in the book of James, chapter two, verses 14-17:
“Dear brothers, what’s the use of saying that you have faith and are Christians if you aren’t proving it by helping others? Will that kind of faith save anyone? If you have a friend who is in need of food and clothing, and you say to him, ‘Well, good-bye and God bless you; stay warm and eat hearty,’ and then don’t give him clothes or food, what good does that do? So you see, it isn’t enough just to have faith. You must also do good to prove that you have it. Faith that doesn’t show itself by good works is no faith at all—it is dead and useless.”
Discovering what people want and need to improve their quality of life is only valuable if there is a commitment to meet those needs. Pretty basic stuff. Let those in management who have ears…hear.
Now…back to my Survey Monkey.
That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JULY 24, 2015…

 

Southpaw—Jake Gyllenhaal stars in this boxing film of a man almost defeated in life, who tries a comeback. Jake has a tragedy in his life and his daughter is missing.  Forest Whitaker comes to the forefront as a trainer who gets Jake back into shape. (Gyllenhaal really got into shape for this role.) Rachel McAdams is Jake’s wife. “Southpaw” is rated R. Rating of 3 for sports fans.

 

Pan—This is a different concept, indeed.  Take the usual “Peter Pan” story and make it one with Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman) instead and the children he kidnaps, especially Peter (Levi Miller). to work in his mines. Captain Hook is played by Garrett Hedlund and something in the vein of Johnny Depp’s “Jack Sparrow.”  Tiger Lily is played by Rooney Mara.  Ah, yes, not your usual story here, but the characters are based on the Barry stories.   “Pan” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Pixels—What would happen if the alien invaders turned out to be past video games? Pac Man running around the city, etc. That is the premise of this movie starring Adam Sandler and Kevin James as two guys who figure this out. They are helped by Peter Dinklage (“Game of Thrones”), Michelle Monaghan and Josh Gad.  “Pixels” (directed by Chris Columbus) is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of video games.

 

Paper Towns—The film is adapted from a book by author John Green (“The Fault In Our Stars,.”) “Paper Towns” is a comedy/mystery  about a young man Quentin Jacobsen) who falls for the girl next door, Margo Roth Speigelman , who, in turn, involves him in a mystery and then disappears. What to do? He begins his journey. Also in the cast is Halston Sage. “Paper Towns” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JULY 31, 2015…

 

Vacation is a comedy with Ed Helms and Leslie Mann about revisiting the National Lampoon vacation spots.

 

The Gift is a thriller starring Jason Bateman and Rebecca Hall

 

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation is a Tom Cruise action film and plenty of stunts, including hanging from a plane in flight.

 

The End Of The Tour (opening in select cities)  stars Jesse Eisenberg as a reporter out for a great interview.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.