July 25, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (To receive a free customized version specifically for your station or show without the sponsor, please contact me!)

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160725

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The program normally heard at this time will not be heard at this time so we can bring you something at this time worth hearing.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“And Jesus answered saying to them, ‘Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, “Be taken up and cast into the sea,” and does not doubt in his heart, but believe that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.’”  –Mark 11:22-24

Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice.Psalm 112:5

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone.Psalm 71:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“But will God really dwell on earth with men? The heavens, even the highest heavens, cannot contain you. How much less this temple I have built!” 2 Chronicles 6:18

Thought: As Solomon dedicated the Temple, he realized that this tremendous accomplishment of great beauty was far too insignificant and small to house the Creator of the Universe. But, God did choose to dwell with mortals. That is what the life of Jesus is about (John 1:11-18). God is awesome and beyond description, far too holy to be expected to associate with flawed human beings. As God, however, he has chosen to love us and come and live with us so we can return to him and share in his glory.

Prayer: Almighty God and Sovereign Father, you are more magnificent than my words can describe and more gracious than my heart can fully grasp. Thank you for your glory that is beyond human comprehension and your grace that bridges the awesome distance between us. Thank you, dear Father, for being God. In Jesus’ name I praise. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Hebrews 7:25 NIV
Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them.

TODAY IS MONDAY – JULY 25, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 15
2 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is the BIRTHDAY OF THE BIRTHDAY CAKE.

Today is NATIONAL HOT FUDGE SUNDAE DAY. ***As if you need an excuse.

NATIONAL SALAD WEEK. ***Which goes terribly with hot fudge.

Today is BE ADAMANT ABOUT SOMETHING DAY. ***Like about getting a hot fudge sundae!

Today is PARENTS DAY, paying tribute to parents whose devotion to their children strengthens our society and forms the foundation for a bright future for America. ***That’s all well and good, but haven’t we already covered this with Mothers Day and Fathers Day? Kinda redundant, isn’t it? Plus we have Grandparents Day – which is essentially just Parents-Of-Parents Day.

Today is FEED THE COUNTRY DUCKS DAY. ***That either means to feed the ducks when you’re out in the country, or to feed our entire nation duck for dinner.

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day

Red Shoe Day

Thread The Needle Day

Video Games Day

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, JULY 26

One Voice

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27

Barbie-In-A-Blender Day

National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day

Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day

Walk On Stilts Day

THURSDAY, JULY 28

Buffalo Soldiers Day

Lumberjack Day

National Chili Dog Day

National Milk Chocolate Day

National Refreshment Day

World Hepatitis Day

FRIDAY, JULY 29

Army Chaplain Corps Anniversary

Lasagna Day

National Chicken Wing Day

National Lipstick Day

National Talk In An Elevator Day

Rain Day

System Administrator Appreciation Day

SATURDAY, JULY 30

Cheesecake Day

Father-in-Law Day

Friendship Day

Health Care Now! (Medicare’s Birthday)

International Day of Friendship

National Dance Day

National Support Public Education Day

Paddle For Perthes Disease Awareness Day

Paperback Book Day

World Day Against Trafficking In Persons

SUNDAY, JULY 31

Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day

World Ranger Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 01

Girlfriend’s Day

Lughnasa

Mead Day

National Minority Donor Awareness Day

Respect For Parents Day

Rounds Resounding Day

Spider-Man Day

U.S. Air Force Day

World Lung Cancer Day

World Wide Web Day

World Scout Scarf Day

ON THIS DAY

44: St. James the Greater, the apostle and brother of St. John, was killed at Jerusalem.

1872: One of the most unusual rains in history occurred as thousands of black worms rained from the sky over Bucharest, Rumania.

1899: Stuart Hine was born in England. While serving as a missionary to Ukraine, he wrote English words to a traditional Swedish hymn, which is sung today as “How Great Thou Art.”

1969: U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy pleaded guilty to a charge of leaving the scene of an accident one week after an auto accident at Chappaquiddick had taken the life of Mary Jo Kopechne.

1979: President Jimmy Carter absolved Dr. Samuel Mudd, the physician who had treated John Wilkes Booth’s broken leg, of any responsibility in the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Mudd’s name was no longer mud.

1984: Singer/composer Willie Mae “Big Mama” Thornton died. In August 1952 she recorded “You Ain’t Nothin’ But A Hound Dog” for Houston’s Peacock Records. (audio clip)

1990: Roseanne Barr sang “The National Anthem” before a major-league baseball game in San Diego. When she spit and scratched herself, the fans booed. ***MARLAR: The umpires should have thrown her out for unsportsmanlike conduct. (audio clip)

1992: A college student in Ogden, Utah, got so mad at Baskin-Robbins employees for closing before he got his ice cream, he mooned them. Unfortunately, he pressed too hard against the window, shattered the glass, and cut his buttocks. ***MARLAR: Fortunately, at a Baskin-Robbins there’s plenty of ice to apply to the wound.

1998: A pair of identical Ethiopian twin brothers drew lots near Addis Ababa to see who would marry whom after their parents arranged their marriage to a pair of identical twin girls. ***MARLAR: Don’t like the outcome? Switch! Who’s gonna know?

1999: In Bath, England, fragments of a man’s false teeth were found in his windpipe eight years after he thought he lost them in a traffic accident. Mike Russell had suffered severe breathing difficulties for years until doctors finally found four front teeth, still attached to a dental plate, wedged above the entrance to his right lung. They were removed in ten minutes and his breathing improved immediately.

2002: Texas Governor George W. Bush selected Dick Cheney to be his running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.

2002: In England, police tried to issue a speeding ticket for a vintage vehicle with a top speed of 18 mph which hadn’t been on the roads for 40 years. A prosecution notice sent to a museum West Yorkshire claimed the ‘mechanical horse’ was clocked doing 44 mph in a 30 mph zone. The Scammel three-wheeler was parked up at the Museum of Rail Travel when it was supposed to have been speeding in Bolton. Police said the mix-up occurred when the Scammel’s license number was confused with one on a Belgian car.

2004: Lance Armstrong won the grueling Tour de France bicycle race for a record sixth consecutive year.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

325: The Council of Nicea closes. The first ecumenical council, convened by Constantine, it rejected the Arians (who denied the full divinity of Christ) as heretics.

1593: King Henry IV of France, raised a Protestant, converts to Catholicism. Long considered a political move, the conversion is now thought to have been sincere, partially because of the king’s statement that “religion is not changed as easily as a shirt.” His conversion did not end his sympathy for Protestants, however, and in 1598 he promulgated the Edict of Nantes, giving Protestants freedom of worship and permitting them to garrison certain towns for security.

1817: Death of John Fawcett who wrote the hymn “Blest be the Tie.”

1918: Walter Rauschenbusch, Baptist pastor and theologian of the Social Gospel, dies. His books, including Christianity and the Social Crisis and The Social Principles of Jesus, influenced many—among them Martin Luther King, Jr., who observed that “Rauschenbusch gave to American Protestantism a sense of social responsibility that it should never lose.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Joey,” “Friends”, Lost in Space, “Episodes”) Matt LeBlanc, 49 — Matt — who’s interests include carpentry, sky-diving, car racing and landscape photography — was, at one time, the king of TV ads. He did commercials for Heinz ketchup, Levi’s, Doritos and Coca-Cola. (audio clip)

  • Actress (The Single Guy, Cape Fear, Goodfellas) Illeana Douglas, 51

  • Model/actress (Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, No Way Out) Iman, 61

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1925 : William “Benny” Benjamin (The Funk Brothers)

1934 : Don Ellis

1941 : Manny Charlton (Nazareth)

1942 : Bruce Woodley (The Seekers)

1943 : Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds, Renaissance)

1944 : Tom Dawes (The Cyrcle)

1946 : Jose Chepito Areas (Santana)

1948 : Steve Goodman

1950 : Mark Clarke (Uriah Heep)

1951 : Verdine White (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1958 : Thurston Moore (Sonic Youth)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How was the first radio telescope developed?

A radio telescope is a highly directional radio antenna that is able to create a map of the sky by recording signals coming from different directions. Although radio engineer Karl Jansky was the first to identify deep space radio signals in 1931, his antenna was not good at pinpointing individual sources. The first steerable radio telescope was built in 1937 by Grote Reber, who had applied to work with Jansky but was turned down because of the poor economic times. So he decided to build his own radio telescope, a 31.4-foot metal dish (9.6 meters) mounted on a directional cradle in Wheaton, Illinois. With his radio telescope, Reber was able to detect radio emissions from the Sun, the center of the Milky Way Galaxy, and several other “radio-bright” sources. By 1941, he had completed the first crude radio survey of the northern sky. Today his radio telescope is an historical monument in Green Bank, West Virginia.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Matt Maher has a challenge for video game designers. He was watching Star Wars this week and tweeted: Dear video game world – we’re all still waiting for the holographic chess board from the falcon.

Some trivia from TobyMac: it takes 24 crew members to pull off a TobyMac show.

A bit of trivia about Jaime Grace. Did you know that she is allergic to raw fruits and veggies?

A bit of trivia about Kutless member James Mead. He posted this week: I love pineapple and fresh chopped mint!

Question of the day from Family Life Today: If you had to go a week without your cell phone, computer, or TV, what would you choose?

Jonny Diaz is jumping on the Pokemon band wagon. He posted: There might be Pokemon at all of my upcoming concerts. You should probably come check and see.

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says there are many things in life that are comforting when they are warm. However, he added, a public restroom toilet seat is not one of them.

Chris August says he caught a Pokemon. He posted a picture holding a turtle with both hands. http://twitter.com/ChrisAugust/status/753684703761338368/photo/1

Danny Gokey says he and Noah are gonna have a little heart to heart conversation when he gets to heaven. Danny asked, “Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitos?”

Congratulations to 7eventh Time Down. Their lyric video for God Is On The Move has been viewed more than 2 million times on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPB9ENSd1Xc&feature=share

Building 429’s Aaron Branch was on his soap box this week. He posted: Just watched the movie Iron Giant with my girls. The most blatantly anti gun movie that I’ve ever seen, and it’s a child’s movie. Spent the last half of the movie teaching the girls why the message of the movie is wrong, and how it is only to advance and agenda. Aaron added: Guns do not kill people, people kill people. A bad guy with a gun is bad, a good guy with a gun is good. Teach your kids the truth.

Kutless member James Mead is struggling to decide on his favorite Food Network show. He says: Two shows are tied for me: Food Network Star and Chopped.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Census figures show that a near-record level of U.S. counties are “dying” — that is, they are experiencing more deaths than births in their communities.  About 1 in 4 counties — or roughly 760 — are fading away. ***MARLAR: So stop screaming about world over-population.  You’ve won, we’re dying off, so shut your pie hole.

In Florida a guy spotted what he thought was a nice car to break into. As he was working on getting into it, a man with a dog walked up. And not just any man but the police officer who owned the car. And not just any dog, but the police officer’s K-9 partner.  ***That Officer Karma really seems to get around.

Researchers (in Germany) have found that exposure to traffic noise increases the risk of suffering from a heart attack, researchers have found. The noise from main roads and railway lines can lead to cardiovascular diseases such as myocardial infarction.  *** On the plus side, with so many heart attacks, this means the traffic should clear up soon.

After a Canadian tourist was almost killed falling down a 250-foot cliff Croatia’s mountain rescue service has urged tourists to stop putting themselves in danger taking “stupid and dangerous selfies”. The service wrote on Twitter: “Dear tourists, we respect you. It’s time for you to start respecting yourself. So, stop making stupid and dangerous selfies. Thank you.”  ***And that goes double if you are a Kardashian.

A British woman who suffered unexplained abdominal pain for months is feeling better after doctors removed a 14-pound hairball from her stomach. Twenty-three-year-old Sophie Cox had been eating her own hair for seven years.  ***Apparently NOT a good source of fiber, and NOT a part of a balanced breakfast.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent study says that dogs would rather earn treats than be given handouts. ***Whereas cats vote Democrat.

Despite years of public health messages, barely one third of Americans use sunscreen regularly (according to the CDC). Researchers found that sunscreen is most often used by women on the skin of the face, and by people with higher household income.  ***And by soulless gingers known as redheads.  

Want an edge the next time the Powerball or Mega Millions lottery jackpots get to big numbers? Software developer Mark McCracken says his program, The Lottery Picker, can increase your chances. The software also helps streamline the labor of buying, filling out, and checking multiple tickets. It’ll set you back $140.  ***MARLAR: But Mark McCracken guarantees a winner with every purchase… and that winner’s name is Mark McCracken.  

Some things never change. Students at UC Santa Cruz were asked who should propose marriage — the man, the woman, or does it matter? Two-thirds of men and women said “definitely” the guy should propose. Only 2.8% of the women said they’d “kind of” want to propose.  ***MARLAR: So, it’s still the guy’s responsibility to propose marriage – but heaven forbid you open a door for a lady or insist on buying dinner – then suddenly you’re a male chauvinist. You gotta love the 21st century. 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Uphill Battle”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mark Lowry, “Love”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals had pretty much stopped making all of their own decisions in what to do during the day, because they had a new friend in the jungle – a small lion. And lions are king of the jungle, so now all decisions, big and small, are being decided by the little guy…

CLOSE: Uh oh, looks like the jungle animals might be thinking about changing their mind about their new king! Will they plan an animal coup? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 30/31

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson was meeting all of the Razzleflabbins for the first time, and they were telling him how they accept everyone they meet… without exception. Everyone is welcome, everyone is considered a friend, well… except for that one Razzleflabbin…

CLOSE: What will happen to Marvy? Will the Plaid Guy put an end to Razzleflabbin Island forever? And does the Plaid Guy have a second cousin twice-removed named Paisley Guy? Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What if Noah’s Ark was built today?

For over three decades now, many residents of Frostburg, Maryland, have been puzzled, and annoyed, at the three-story-high, 400-foot-long metal- and-concrete frame that Pastor Richard Greene calls his modern Noah’s Ark. Pastor Green said the idea came to him in a vision during 1976 and he works on the thing in his spare time while awaiting Judgment Day. Some neighbors are patient, but others call the Ark an eyesore that depresses property values and wastes religious charity money. So far, contributions to the Pastor Greene Ark project have totaled $1 million bucks!  ***MARLAR: As a pastor, shouldn’t he know that God promised never to flood the planet ever again?

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU SLEPT IN TOO LATE

10. You try and get up for Letterman, but just manage to catch the closing credits.

9. When you went to bed your son was asleep in his crib. When you woke up he had graduated from college.

8. You were supposed to be at work by 8. It’s now November.

7. Little men are tying you down and charging other little men to look at you.

6. You don’t have the same roommates as you did when you went to bed.

5. You come out of your room and your parents are shocked that you were home all this time.

4. The alarm clock must not have gone off. You only got up when that “Charming” fellow kissed you.

3. You don’t ever remember wanting to start a beard…. but what the hey. Who says you can’t accomplish anything when sleeping?

2. When you roll out of bed, the sheet makes that distinctive “packing tape” sound as it peels off your back

1. The sleep crusties around your eyes have taken over your face, making it look like a cauliflower.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you’re planning a bank-robbery, it’s probably best to leave your girlfriend at home. 

FILE #1: Ronnie Green of Evansville, Illinois entered the Civitas Bank, giving the teller a note asking for $500 and in which he claimed to have a gun. But when the teller showed him that her money drawer was empty he left, much to the apparent disapproval of his girlfriend who was waiting outside. The two remained outside the bank arguing, giving an off duty police officer plenty of time to enter the bank and then step back out and arrest them.

FILE #2: An Edmonton, Alberta, Canada man who had his sport utility vehicle stolen earlier this month was surprised to get a call over the weekend telling him he could have the vehicle back for $50. The man who owns the 2003 Chevy Blazer arranged to meet the mysterious caller at a liquor store Sunday afternoon to make the swap. Nearby police, who’d been notified by the owner, arrested a man who arrived in the Blazer.

FILE #3: 48-year-old Charles Perkert broke into a Chinese restaurant and left his cell phone at the scene. Cops found the phone and began scanning through its contacts list. When they came to ‘Mom’s number,’ an officer called and asked the lady on the other end how he could return the phone to her son. The woman unknowingly led the cops right to her son’s front door, where they arrested Perkert and charged him with third-degree burglary.

STRANGE LAW: A Michigan state law stipulates that a woman’s hair legally belongs to her husband.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A homemade license plate leads police to a criminal inDUHvidual!

Mitchell Raulerson of Seville, Florida, was arrested by Seminole County sheriff’s deputies on his 16th drunk driving charge, as well as driving on a permanently revoked license and other charges. What first drew their attention was not his erratic driving, but the fact that the license plate on his van was hand-drawn.  ***MARLAR: He couldn’t stay inside the lines on the license plate or on the road.

PHONER PHUN

Remember your first job? Tell us about it. Did you hate it? Love it? What job are you the most nostalgic for?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is mentioned as the father of those who play the harp and organ?
ANSWER: Jubal (Genesis 4:21)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The only genuine freshwater sharks in the world can be found… where?

ANSWER: The Ganges River in India

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Welsh mercenary bowmen in the medieval period only wore one shoe at a time. (True)

2. There are only 18 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet. (False – there are only 12)

3. Charles de Gaulle’s final words were, “It hurts.” (True)

4. Brooklyn is the Dutch name for “broken city”. (False – it’s “broken valley.”)

5. There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a U.S. ten-dollar bill. (True)

6. White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith, formerly of the Monkees. (True)

7. Naugahyde, plastic “leather” was created in Naugatuck, Connecticut. (True)

8. The Swiss flag is round. (False – square)

9. The largest land-owner in England is the Queen. (True – followed by the Church of England and Trinity College, Cambridge.)

10. The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“People Remember Their First Car More Than Their First _______!” (KISS)


In a surprising survey, more adults say they can remember their first car more than they can remember their first kiss. More than 40% were so attached to their first car that they could recall its license plate number in full.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday school class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw a picture that would illustrate some part of the story.

Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat behind the wheel was a rather large man and in the back seat a man and a woman.

The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson. But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”

JOKE #2

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal. Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so 
invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”
The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”

JOKE #3

As a court clerk, Rhonda was well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom.  Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.  During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. 
”There may be,” he replied. “Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.” 
Both were excused.

USELESS FACTS

Good news! Scientists have found a way of stopping beans from causing gas! Supposedly, a short burst of gamma radiation before soaking the beans does the trick.  ***MARLAR: One of the unfortunate side effects though is that you can’t sleep at night because your eyelids glow in the dark.

The UFO and Paranormal College has opened in Russia in response to a rash of unexplained crop circles in the region.  The faculty says they are qualified to teach the course, because they have video footage featuring the type of UFOs called Belgian triangles, which they say are frequent visitors to their city.  ***MARLAR: Um… no. That’s like saying I’m qualified to teach a course on time-travel, because I own all of the Back to the Future DVDs. (

)

FEATURED FUNNIES

IT’S THE TRUTH

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into the insurance office to file a disability claim. As the agent scanned the claim form, he did a double take. Under “Reason unable to work,” she wrote: “Can’t stand to cook.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TAX TROUBLE

Gerardo Gonzalez is a very depressed man right now. It seems that taxes are getting the best of him too… but even more so than the rest of us.

The IRS says that poor Mr. Gonzalez owes the government $16,000 in back taxes! But the IRS loses a little credibility on this one, because they also say that he was working in 12 cities all at the same time! That has not stopped them, however, from withholding $3,000 from his paychecks to pay his tax bill. According to the IRS, Mr. Gonzalez worked simultaneously in Arkansas, Arizona, Texas, North Carolina, Indiana, Nebraska, Iowa, Maryland and Tennessee. After much explaining, the IRS, the Social Security Administration and the FBI are now finally convinced that he wasn’t working in all those states at the same time. (Gosh, really?!?!) They’ve concluded that other people must be using his social security number. They have canceled the debt and will return his money.  Gerardo isn’t so sure the matter is over (and knowing our government, I don’t blame him). Just in case the IRS returns, he’s sold his car, because he doesn’t want the government to repossess it.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

BRANDO TALKS
We always hoped that Brando would learn to speak. We never guessed what he’d have to say

When we first bought our macaw in late September of 1982, my wife, Cindy, and I named him Cesar, after Cesar Romero, the handsome Latin American movie actor famous for his smooth, suave speaking voice.
But after we had our parrot for several weeks, we decided to rename him, because try as we might to get him to mimic any phrase at all–even a simple “hello”–we could only get him to whistle and, occasionally, to emit a loud, ear-piercing squawk. Cindy said it sounded to her like Stanley yelling for Stella in “A Streetcar Named Desire,” so she voted for Brando to replace Cesar as the bird’s name.

Even though we were disappointed with our inarticulate bird, the truth of the matter was that we grew attached to Brando. He wasn’t terribly messy, and he did have a winning twinkle in his eyes.

One night, about five or six weeks after we got Brando, I came home from work to find Cindy sitting in the easy chair next to his perch, a puzzled look on her face. She put a finger to her lips, indicating a wish for silence, and nodded toward Brando. As if on cue, the bird suddenly spoke out, clear as could be, “Help me! Please, someone help me!”

Now it was my turn to look puzzled. “His first words, and he wants someone to rescue him from us? That’s gratitude for you.”

Cindy rolled her large brown eyes. “We’ve got a mystery here, you big lug. Why would Brando’s first clearly spoken words be a cry for help?”

I ran through the obvious answers. Had either of us left the television or radio on before leaving for work? Did Brando have some unresolved emotional or psychological issues of which we were unaware? Had Cindy herself screamed for help as she contemplated her mother’s fast-approaching weekend visit for Thanksgiving?

“No, no, and no!” Cindy replied to my teasing questions. “Hey–be quiet. Listen for a minute. I think I heard something.”

I sat down in the easy chair beside her and did as I was told.

And then, after a few minutes of silence, I heard it. A faint, faraway voice crying for help.

Once again, Brando was right on cue, providing us with an immediate echo: “Help me! Please, won’t someone help me!”

I got out of the chair and headed for the window. After a momentary struggle with a stubborn latch, I had it open and was listening intently to the sounds of traffic on a chilly November morning.

“Please help me!”

I told Cindy to call 911, and I went outside with a flashlight to investigate.

Rush hour was dying down, but there was still the din of traffic to contend with. Although the cries were easier to hear when I was outside, the hum of tires on the pavement and the occasional blare of a horn made it difficult to determine exactly where the owner of the voice might be.

I investigated the line of bushes between our house and the neighbor’s house, and I carefully directed the flashlight beam up and down our side of the street. After a few minutes, I was certain the cries were coming from a lot across the street where there now stood only a couple of old warehouses that would soon be torn down to make way for some new apartment complexes.
As I crossed the street, the person in distress obviously spotted my flashlight, because he called out, “I’m over here! Please help me!”
When I directed the beam toward the sound of the voice, I was shocked to see an older, white-haired gentleman pinned against the side of a building by a utility van.

Thankfully, at almost that same instant, the police car summoned by Cindy’s 911 call arrived, and the officers, in turn, immediately called an ambulance.

The incredible story was that 70-year-old Edward Kabrick, a semiretired plumber, had been using one of the old warehouses to store surplus equipment and supplies. He had gone out earlier that afternoon to pick up a used water softener for a customer’s apartment. Somehow, as he walked toward the door of the warehouse, his old van slipped out of “park” and rolled down the incline, pinning him against the brick wall.

In terrible pain, Kabrick started yelling for help, but since he was only a couple of streets away from a busy road, no one heard him above the traffic noises. The poor man had suffered the agony of broken ribs and legs for hours, lapsing into unconsciousness, then waking again to cry out desperately for help. He had repeated the pitiful cycle for hours, growing weaker each time he regained consciousness.

Kabrick worked only part-time, so no one would particularly notice if he came to the office or not. His wife had passed away three years before, so there was no one at home to miss him if he didn’t come home on schedule.
“I thought I would surely freeze to death if no one found me soon,” he said, shaking my hand as they were placing him in the ambulance. “Thank you for hearing my cries for help. I didn’t think that I would be able to last the night.”
I told him it was our parrot that deserved the thanks. Our mostly mute, mumbling parrot had apparently heard Kabrick earlier in the day when his voice was stronger, then had clearly repeated the cries for help with the same urgency with which the trapped man had uttered them.
One of the police officers chuckled and shook his head in wonder. “You found Mr. Kabrick because your parrot repeated his cries for help? I would call that some kind of miracle.”
I agreed. Why was it that good old Brando, a parrot that had never repeated a distinct word until that day, had suddenly chosen to echo an injured man’s desperate cries for help as loud and clear as could be?
“Yes,” I told the officer, “I think that ‘miracle’ will be the next word we’ll teach him.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE LAMB IS OUR SHEPHERD

READ: Revelation 7:13-17

The Lamb who is in the midst of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to living fountains of waters. —Revelation 7:17

The book of Revelation gives us a marvelous picture. The Lamb of God leads us from one fountain of water to another, always deeper into the love of God (7:17).

Jesus prayed in the Upper Room shortly before He went to the cross: “I have declared to [the disciples] Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them” (John 17:26).

Jesus leads us into an ever deeper knowledge of the love of God. His concern is not merely that we know about God, but that we know how deeply we’re cherished and loved. As Jesus said, the love the Father has for the Son He also has for us.

But it’s a process to comprehend  that love. It takes time for God’s love to take hold of us. Perhaps you’re not sure that He loves you. Be patient. The Holy Spirit is at work guiding you into all truth (John 16:13). Read and meditate on His words and deeds in the Gospels. Ask Him to show you God’s love. In time He will reveal its “width and length and depth and height” (Ephesians 3:18).

And if I understand it correctly, the process will go on throughout eternity. We will be completely satisfied in heaven, and yet we will continue growing, for there is no end to the love of God. —David H. Roper

Our love has limits but God’s love is boundless.

LEFTOVERS

TWO KEYS SHORT OF A KEYRING

A friend of mine always locks his keys in the car by accident. He has been doing this for about a year, when one day last week, he said, “You know what? I’m going to leave the coat hanger in the trunk so I can unlock the car the next time this happens.”  Okay… quick question. How’s he supposed to get into the trunk to get the hangar if he’s locked his keys in the car… keys that are required to open the trunk in order to get the hangar he wants to use to get into the car he’s locked his keys in?  Is it any wonder my friend is still making minimum wage?

LIFE… LIVE IT

TECHNOMANNERS FOR PARENTS

(Family Circle) Your kids learn how to behave or not from the adults around them. Here are five ways to set a good example:

  • Silence is golden — Turn your phone off in restaurants, museums, movie theaters and public bathrooms. If you must be on call for example, you’re waiting to hear about a job, use the vibrate feature and take the call in private.

  • Be discreet — Steer clear of inappropriate conversations, both on cell phones and when e-mailing at work. “See you at 8” or “Please take the roast out of the freezer” are within the bounds of good taste. Arguing with your spouse is not.

  • Be polite — Don’t say anything in a phone message that you would not normally say to someone in person.

  • Send your regrets — Always use regular mail for condolence cards or letters. No typing allowed; take the time to write them by hand.

  • No multitasking — Don’t answer e-mail or check your voice messages and stock portfolio while chatting with your kids or watching their soccer match or school play.

JUST FOR FUN

TOPLESS POOL

Believe it or not, lifeguards at the Wayne County’s Family Water Park in Detroit called the cops on a topless female swimmer! 

Now, before you shout “amen” to that, I need to let you know that the female swimmer in question is only three years old!  The girl’s mother, Karmia Sorel was told by park security guards that topless female toddlers are inappropriate at the pool.  Fortunately, the police had some sense. An officer from the 5th Precinct finally arrived, assessed the situation and then told the park manager Karmia was doing nothing wrong. The park apologized to Karmia.  ***MARLAR: Sounds like the pool’s lifeguards have been sniffing too much of the chlorine.

FUN LIST

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM A REDNECK

  • We’re vegetarians.

  • The tires on that truck are too big.

  • Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.

  • Checkmate!

  • Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

  • I’ll take “Shakespeare” for a $1000, Alex! (audio clip)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Is there any moment of the day when our cell phones aren’t within reach?  Apparently not, because an online address-book site called Plaxo found that 19% of us have dropped our cell phones down the toilet. If that’s not bad enough, a new T-Mobile survey discovered 59% of us wouldn’t hesitate to ‘take the plunge’ and grab the phone. Yep, reach right in the toilet and save the iPhone. 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Every morning, before the sun goes up, Durga Kami brushes his teeth, puts on his uniform and walks for over an hour to get to school. His routine is not too different from that of other ten graders in Nepal. Except maybe for one thing: he is 68, and one of the country’s oldest students. A father of six—and a grandfather of eight—Kami says he was forced out of school by poverty as a kid and never fulfilled his dream of teaching. Following the death of his wife though, and to avoid a lonely life at home, he decided to go back to the classroom. Kami first went to a primary school to learn how to read and write. He then got a scholarship to attend the Shree Kala Bhairab higher secondary school.  ***It’s never too late in life to improve yourself – and this man proves there is no excuse not to do it! http://ti.me/1UVcMZw

Mel Gibson is preparing for a sequel to The Passion of the Christ. The original film ended with Jesus walking out of the tomb, but did not go on to show what happened after His resurrection. The sequel will focus on the resurrection and the events that occurred after Jesus was raised from the dead. Braveheart screenwriter Randall Wallace will work with Gibson on a sequel. He said The Passion is the beginning and there’s a lot more story to tell. http://dlvr.it/LXGhzl

Revive Our Hearts has some great advice on how to “bookend” tough conversations in your marriage. Their advice: say “I love you. I chose you. I’m not going anywhere.”  Watch the video for a more in-depth description!  http://roh.cm/1U9WsVn

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. — Don Marquis

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. — Clarence Darrow

“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” — Lily Tomlin

“A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, ‘He was a loner.’ Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.” — George Carlin

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 22, 2016…

Star Trek: Beyond—J. J. Abrams is not at the helm this time, it is Justin Lin with Idris Elba (“Luther”) as the bad guy, Krall.. The crew is here including Chris Pine as Kirk, Zachary Quinto as Spock, Zoe Saldana as Uhuru, Simon Pegg as Scotty (Pegg is one of the scriptwriters), the late Anton Yelchik and John Cho.  This time the question has governments rethinking the Federation’s policies. Theater seat belts buckled? Away we go. “Star Trek: Beyond” is rated PG 13.  Rating of 4 for fans.

Ice Age: Collision Course—Life is pretty good in prehistoric times, with the usual suspects such as the woolly mammoth Dad (Ray Roman), Sid (John Luguizamo) and the woolly mammoth daughter, Peaches (Keke Palmer). Suddenly, there is a problem and it seems to be an asteroid coming their way. What to do? “Ice Age: Collision Course” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie—Continuing the success of the British hit comic sit-com, Edina (Jennifer Saunders) and Patsy (Joanna Lumley) go on their adventures in slightly off-fashion clothing and  a few drinks. Now, they are in the South of France. Also in the cast is Julie Awaits. “Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Lights Out—Teresa Palmer has to go home and help her family when something is haunting them. Sound familiar? “Lights Out” is rated R. No rating.

JULY 29, 2016…

Bad Moms is what happens when three Moms had a little too much to drink. Stars Mila Kunis.

Equity shows us the corporate world when a young woman tries to get a job there. Stars Anna Gunn.

Indignation is adapted from the Philip Roth book about a student in the mid-Fifties who has a crush on a girl in his class. Stars Logan Lerman.

Jason Bourne is b-a-c-k and starring Matt Damon as an almost-but-not-quite James-Bond action type (Bourne doesn’t wear Saville Row suits.)

Wiener Dog is the story of the adventures of a small dachshund as he goes from home to home and the people he meets. .

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.