July 26, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160726

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Yes, once again it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)… and remember, whatever happens probably will.

How stupid was it for Ponce de Leon to search for the Fountain Of Youth in Florida? Did he not see all of the old people?

This life is not about what you can accomplish, it’s about the amount of love with which you do it. — Mike Donehey (Tenth Avenue North)

You know your married when you buy a washer and dryer for the first time and are excited about it. – Mike Grayson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” -Philippians 2: 1, 2

I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands. — Psalm 119:60

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, “I find no pleasure in them.” — Ecclesiastes 12:1

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“Prepare chains, because the land is full of bloodshed and the city is full of violence.” — Ezekiel 7:23

Thought: God hates it when the innocent are afflicted with violence and bloodshed. He hates evil and political corruption. He hates courts that are false and leaders who are abusive of their power. We need to rest assured that he will provide deliverance for his faithful followers and administer justice to those who have abused or harmed other people — if not in this life, for sure in the life to come.

Prayer: Father, thank you for assuring me that your justice will ultimately be done with those who are violent, corrupt, wicked, and abusive. Give us patience to wait in hope until that day of ultimate justice is done. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 7:26 NIV = But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JULY 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 15
1 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL COFFEE MILKSHAKE DAY.  ***Take your love for coffee and your love for iced coffee and kick it up a notch with a few scoops of vanilla ice cream. Oh yeah.

Today is the BIRTHDAY OF THE U.S. POST OFFICE. On July 26, 1775, the 2nd Continental Congress established the first formal postal system for the U.S. Benjamin Franklin became the first Postmaster General.  *** Through rain, through sleet, through blinding snow, nothing will stop us from getting unwanted junk-mail to you!

Today is ALL OR NOTHING DAY. *** I have no idea what this is all about.  How do you go about celebrating “All or Nothing”?  You can’t do it half-heartedly, can you?  After all, it’s ALL or NOTHING.  So I’m leaning toward the latter of the two choices – and I’ll do my celebrating by doing nothing.  But rest assured, I will put an “all or nothing” attitude behind it – giving my full energy and mind to the task of doing NOTHING for the sake of the holiday!

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

One Voice

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27

Barbie-In-A-Blender Day

National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day

Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day

Walk On Stilts Day

THURSDAY, JULY 28

Buffalo Soldiers Day

Lumberjack Day

National Chili Dog Day

National Milk Chocolate Day

National Refreshment Day

World Hepatitis Day

FRIDAY, JULY 29

Army Chaplain Corps Anniversary

Lasagna Day

National Chicken Wing Day

National Lipstick Day

National Talk In An Elevator Day

Rain Day

System Administrator Appreciation Day

SATURDAY, JULY 30

Cheesecake Day

Father-in-Law Day

Friendship Day

Health Care Now! (Medicare’s Birthday)

International Day of Friendship

National Dance Day

National Support Public Education Day

Paddle For Perthes Disease Awareness Day

Paperback Book Day

World Day Against Trafficking In Persons

SUNDAY, JULY 31

Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day

World Ranger Day

MONDAY, AUGUST 01

Girlfriend’s Day

Lughnasa

Mead Day

National Minority Donor Awareness Day

Respect For Parents Day

Rounds Resounding Day

Spider-Man Day

U.S. Air Force Day

World Lung Cancer Day

World Wide Web Day

World Scout Scarf Day

TUESDAY, AUGUST 02

National Coloring Book Day

National Night Out

Take a Penny / Leave a Penny Day

ON THIS DAY

1952: Argentina’s first lady, Eva Peron, aka Evita, died of cancer at age 33.

1968: Singer Jeannie C. Riley recorded “Harper Valley P.T.A.” The Tom. T. Hall song skyrocketed to #1 and became the country music Single of the Year.

1968: John Lennon and Paul McCartney completed composing the song “Hey Jude.”

1969: The Archies entered the Billboard Hot 100 with “Sugar Sugar.” The Archies singing voices, from the TV cartoon show, were all provided by studio backups Ron Dante and Toni Wine. One of the hand-clappers was Ray Stevens. It was the top song of 1969.

1975: Van McCoy and The Soul City Symphony hit #1 for their first and only time on Billboard Hot 100 with the disco hit “The Hustle.”

1976: Time magazine profiled actor John Travolta of TV’s “Welcome Back, Kotter” in an article entitled “Sweathog Heartthrob.” (audio clip)

1979: A team of nine men set a world record in Edinburgh, Scotland, by pushing a hospital bed 3,233 miles in 36 days.

1984: “The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson” became the first network television program to be telecast in stereo. (audio clip)

1984: In Wisconsin Edward Gein died at age 78 at the Central State Hospital for the Criminally Insane. In 1957 Gein admitted murdering two women, though police suspected he killed at least ten. Neighbors thought he was harmless, except he “smiled too much.” His story inspired the book and the movie Psycho.

1997: Actress Linda Hamilton and director James Cameron were married.

2001: A Jerusalem woman suffered chemical burns after spraying pesticide into her mouth when a flying cockroach landed on her tongue. The 20-year-old Israeli burned her mouth, tongue, and vocal cords and needed hospital treatment. She said she hated cockroaches. ***MARLAR: And her tongue.

2003: The Royal Bank of Scotland offered a gold credit card and the chance to earn air miles to a dog named Monty in Stockport, England. The bank apologized after the Shih Tzu’s owner declined on Monty’s behalf.

2003: A German court ruled police were right to confiscate the driving license of a woman they thought was too thin to drive. The 22-year-old student from Buxtehude near Hamburg lost her license following an accident in February 2002 when she weighed 72 pounds.

2005: In a game against the San Francisco Giants, Greg Maddux of the Chicago Cubs became the 13th pitcher in major league history to record his 3,000 career strikeout.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1603: James VI of Scotland becomes James I of England. Among his many acts affecting English religious life (it is he for whom the King James Version is named) was the issuing of the Book of Sports, approving sports on Sunday.

1833: Having abolished the slave trade in 1807, Britain’s House of Commons bans slavery itself. When William Wilberforce, who had spent most of his life crusading against slavery, heard the news, he said, “Thank God I have lived to witness [this] day.” He died three days later.

1925: William Jennings Bryan, American editor, politician, and anti-evolutionary leader, dies five days after being publicly ridiculed for his role in the Scopes “Monkey” trial.

1987: Death of Peter Dyneka, evangelist to East Europeans. Russian born, he was converted in a Billy Sunday service after migrating to the US. For his energetic efforts to spread the gospel he was known as Peter Dynamite.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Pearl Harbor, The Aviator, Underworld, Van Helsing, Serendipity) Kate Beckinsale 44

  • actress (Speed, Hope Floats, While You Were Sleeping, The Proposal) Sandra Bullock 52

  • actor (The Usual Suspects, Seven, K-PAX, Pay It Forward, Superman Returns) Kevin Spacey 57

  • skater Dorothy Hamill 60

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1895 : Gracie Allen

1914 : Erskine Hawkins

1924 : Louie Bellson (Duke Ellington)

1938 : Bobby Hebb

1940 : Dobie Gray

1941 : Brenton Wood

1941 : Darlene Love

1941 : Neil Landon (The Flowerpot Men)

1943 : Mick Jagger, born Michael Phillip Jagger (The Rolling Stones)

1949 : Roger Taylor (Queen)

1950 : Duncan Mackay (10cc)

1960 : Gary Cherone (Extreme, Van Halen)

1967 : Headliner (Arrested Development)

1980 : Dave Baksh (Sum 41)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How fast does a hummingbird fly?
Hummingbirds fly at speeds of up to 71 miles per hour. Small species of the hummingbirds may beat their wings 50 to 80 times each second. During courtship displays the hummingbird may beat their wings at even faster rates. The Peregrine Falcon is the fastest animal on earth. Many people mistakenly claim that the Cheetah is the fastest animal. The cheetah is the fastest land animal, and the fastest mammal. The cheetah can accelerate from 0 to 45 mph in 2 seconds. It can run at 70 mph for short distances and can run at an average speed of 40 mph. Humans can run at a top speed of 27.9 mph. The Peregrine Falcon is by far and above the fastest animal. It can fly at 217 miles per hour. Even flying upward it can fly at the amazing speed of 168 miles per hour.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jeremy Camp is gearing up for the release of a new movie. He posted: So excited to be a part of I’m Not Ashamed, the inspiring true story of Rachel Joy Scott at Columbine High School. The new movie will be in theaters in October.

Casting Crowns Melodee Devevo is looking forward to the release of the new movie The Insanity of God. The movie is described as a True Story of Faith and Persecution and Melodee posted: Got to be a small part of this, and it’s awesome! Got my tickets for the movie, too! The movie will be shown in over 500 theaters August 30th.

Casting Crowns’ Jaun Devevo recently shared a prayer he found in one of his journals. He posted: When I have a new book to write in, I try to write a prayer for God to bless it. I read this one today and it made me think of not just what I write in my journal, but online as well. Here is what Jaun’s prayer said:

“When pen hits page and ink spreads forth

And runs its veins and makes its worth,

The strokes and curves it’s flowing makes

Are empty unless filled with Grace.

Fill these voids, O, Unseen King.

With the truth your presence brings.

And plot and plan and dream I will,

But none will be unless You fill.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BIK4eprBJ8o/

The Babylon Bee, a Christian satire site, was having some fun last week with the band Shane & Shane. Earlier this week the site announced: worship music duo Shane & Shane held tryouts for additional Shanes this past weekend, looking to add one or two talented musicians also named Shane to their act. The duo is reportedly looking to rename their act Shane & Shane & Shane, or possibly Shane & Shane & Shane & Shane, depending on how many qualified Shanes they can find.

http://babylonbee.com/news/shane-shane-hold-tryouts-additional-shanes/

New artist Ryan Stevenson is celebrating this week. His song Eye of the Storm has reached the number one spot on six different charts. Ryan posted this week: So honored & thankful. Never thought I’d see this. The song is from Ryan’s album Fresh Start. The entire CD will be available September 16.

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is on a unique diet. He posted: I’m going no carbs for 10 days.

It was a tough weekend for Aaron Shust and his family. He posted: we discovered yesterday that Michael has epilepsy. Wrestling with all kinds of emotions ranging between absolute trust in God and absolute sadness. Praying the doctors discover soon what kind of medication, Yet boldly praying for absolute healing. Michael is Aaron’s youngest son.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BINW3AqhlrB/

Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey was praying over the weekend for those affected by the killings in Munich but not everyone was glad. Following his post on twitter, Mike added: Amazed reading my Twitter feed tonight. So much anger that I would pray for Munich. However, Mike didn’t back down. He shared: Sometimes it’s the artist’s job to point out the uncomfortable. Fine line between caring for and wanting to be liked.

https://youtu.be/ruP3cVciDyI

Jamie Grace is asking for your prayers. She posted Saturday: my mom was admitted into the hospital this morning. This is a part of a journey that’s been hard to explain and understand for a few years now. Please pray for my mom, her health, and for my dad, for his strength.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BILY8OqhxYe/

The group Mikeschair is no more. Frontman Mike Grayson posted an open letter to followers on the groups facebook page over the weekend. He said: I wanted to take a second and tell you guys what’s been going on for the last year or so. As many of you know Molly and I welcomed our baby girl, Grailey, into the world about a year and half ago. At the time Molly was still in a group called City Harbor and I was traveling a lot with Mikeschair. After a lot of prayer we decided that we wanted to see what it would be like if we joined forces and tried doing music together instead of apart. The season for MIKESCHAIR might be over but trust me there is still a lot of music left to be sung. It would mean the world to me if you came alongside the journey of Grayson|Reed and supported Molly and I the way you have supported Mikeschair over the years.

https://youtu.be/lY0cdhDbmt0

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email darren@onairprep.com for details!)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Forget 2016 — the 2020 election just kicked off.  Before voters have even cast their ballots in the 2016 election, some conservatives are quietly eyeing 2020 White House bids. Sen. Tom Cotton is one of them. The Arkansas Republican addressed the Iowa delegation last Tuesday morning. It’s his second of three planned meetings with early-voting state delegates ahead of a possible White House bid.  ***Republicans are already disappointed with Trump’s presidency and he’s not even been elected yet!  Yikes!

Two bulls escaped from a slaughterhouse in Baltimore over the weekend and had a few hours of freedom before being corralled about a block from where they were initially spotted. The bulls found their way out of the Old Line Custom Meat Company slaughterhouse and wandered about a block away before employees from the meat processing plant and police sectioned them off and contained them. ***Be looking for information on the second annual Baltimore Running of the Bulls coming soon!

Pokemon Go nearly caused an international incident last week. Two Canadian teenagers were apprehended by U.S. Border Patrol agents Thursday night after they inadvertently — and illegally — crossed the U.S.-Canada border while playing the location-based game on their phones. The agents encountered the teens walking southbound from the Canadian province of Alberta, into Montana, while playing Pokemon Go.  ***Apparently that “Be aware of your surroundings” message when you log in is being completely ignored by… everyone.

A cold and exhausted 65-year-old Russian balloonist came back to Earth with a bruising thud in the Australian Outback on Saturday after claiming a new record by flying solo around the world nonstop in 11 days. Fedor Konyukhov, a Russian Orthodox priest, broke American businessman Steve Fossett’s 2002 record by more than 48 hours.  ***Apparently the priest wanted to get closer to God than anyone ever has – and if that balloon had popped he probably would’ve succeeded!

The videocassette recorder that revolutionized home entertainment will officially die later this month after a decade-long battle with obsolescence. The VCR is roughly 60 years old, and Japan-based Funai Electronic Co. has continued to manufacture the machines even as several generations of superior entertainment technology have come to market. Now, executives say that a lack of demand and difficulty acquiring parts has convinced them to cease production at the end of July.  ***Which really stinks, because I just now finally finished upgrading my collection from Betamax.

http://wapo.st/2aBxsHU

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

In the lush hills of northern Thailand, a herd of 20 elephants is excreting some of the world’s most expensive coffee.  Trumpeted as earthy in flavor and smooth on the palate, the exotic new brew is made from beans eaten by Thai elephants and plucked a day later from their dung. A gut reaction inside the elephant creates what its founder calls the coffee’s unique taste.  Stomach turning or oddly alluring, this is not just one of the world’s most unusual specialty coffees. At $1,100 per kilogram ($500 per pound), it’s also among the world’s priciest.  For now, only the wealthy or well-traveled have access to the cuppa, which is called Black Ivory Coffee. It was launched a few luxury hotels with the price tag of about $50 a serving.  Why elephants?  “When an elephant eats coffee, its stomach acid breaks down the protein found in coffee, which is a key factor in bitterness,” said Blake Dinkin, who has spent $300,000 developing the coffee. “You end up with a cup that’s very smooth without the bitterness of regular coffee.”  ***MARLAR: You know what… coffee ice cream isn’t bitter either – and you can get a whole quart for less than eight bucks.

Kids who have their tonsils removed seem to gain weight after the surgery and may be more likely to become overweight compared to children who never went under the knife, a new study suggests.   In the research published in the February issue of Otolaryngology — Head and Neck Surgery, scientists reviewed data from nine different studies spanning a 40-year period, before arriving at their conclusion.  ***MARLAR: Could it be that it’s not the surgery that makes kids fat, but all of the ice cream that’s shoved down their throats afterwards?

Offering downsized meal portions in addition to normal ones at cafeterias may help some people cut their calorie intake, Dutch researchers say.   They say the smaller portions could work in other settings, too, and might help curb obesity, although it’s too soon to know if people compensate by eating more the rest of the day.  The report, published in the International Journal of Obesity, is the first to look at how people’s eating behaviors change if smaller meals are made easily available — both with and without a corresponding price cut. ***MARLAR: Wait a minute… so if I eat less, then I’ll consume fewer calories?  Gee – who’d a thunk it?!?

Are you suffering from feedback fatigue? Feedback fatigue is caused by too many email requests from companies asking you to rate their service. If you did any holiday shopping online, you’re likely getting bombarded.  ***MARLAR: Please LIKE this comment on Facebook while you’re at it too, would ya?

Just 30 minutes after you scarf down a salty snack, clear changes can be seen in your arteries.   Researchers found that salt-laden foods quickly impair the ability of blood vessels to widen even in people with normal blood pressure, according to the study published in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. ***MARLAR: With this new information, pretzels and potato chips will now come with a warning label saying they could kill you.

Spending office hours staring at cute and cuddly animals could actually help boost your work performance. Researchers found university students who viewed images of baby animals, such as puppies and kittens, performed set tasks with greater time and care.  ***MARLAR: Although the undesired side-effect is that they would also have a tendency to talk in baby talk.  (Yes, they would… oh yes they would you cutie listener you… ooo, boo boo boo… you are so adorable – yes you are…)

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bye Bye”

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Grade Cards”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY EPISODE


OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals’ new king, Louis the little lion, decided he didn’t want to play badminton, build forts, or go swimming. And since he’s now the king, he can decide anything he likes… so he’s decided to pounce on dandelions. And since they’re following him, all the other animals are also pouncing…

CLOSE: Now what is Louis going to do? He’s the king – he has to decide something! Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 30/31

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson was meeting all of the Razzleflabbins for the first time, and they were telling him how they accept everyone they meet… without exception. Everyone is welcome, everyone is considered a friend, well… except for that one Razzleflabbin…

CLOSE: What will happen to Marvy? Will the Plaid Guy put an end to Razzleflabbin Island forever? And does the Plaid Guy have a second cousin twice-removed named Paisley Guy? Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A mugging victim gives the crooks a run for their money… or should I say a run for HER money?

We have two criminal inDUHviduals in today’s Moment of Duh. These two boneheads snatched the purse of Pamela McCarthy and took off running down the street. What they didn’t know was that 40 year old Pamela was a marathon runner and she chased them for more than a mile before they finally ran into their own apartment. She then called the cops who came over, retrieved her purse and arrested them.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO STRESSED

10. You can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up.

9. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

8. The Sun is too loud.

7. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

6. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

5. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

4. Things become “Very Clear”

3. You begin speaking in a language that only you and 2 year-old children can understand.

2. You and Reality file for divorce.

1. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man is charged with armed and unarmed robbery at the same time! I’ll tell you how…

FILE #1: A woman with a pair of black tights over her head tried to rob a post office in Huddersfield, U.K., but she ran off when the postal workers told her not to be so stupid.

FILE #2: A suburban Philadelphia man asked a judge to perform a wedding ceremony while the jury in the man’s criminal trial was still deliberating the verdict. Twenty-year-old Timothy Zalut was on trial on assault charges in Bucks County Court. When it appeared that he might have to go to jail, Zalut decided to tie the knot with his fiancée. The judge presiding over the trial agreed to perform the ceremony in chambers while the jury was still out. Zalut’s fiancée said they wanted to get married and were worried that they wouldn’t get the chance. A plea bargain finally brought the trial to a halt, and the judge sentenced Zalut to five years of probation.

FILE #3: A man in El Paso, Texas, was arrested at a bar when his false arm fell off. He had been using the false arm to point a gun at a bartender who wouldn’t serve him because he’d had too much already. ***MARLAR: Imagine that… being arrested for armed robbery and unarmed robbery at the same time!

STRANGE LAW: In Raton, New Mexico, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street while wearing a kimono.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

When robbing a liquor store, make sure you aren’t under the influence of it first.

Proving once again that there is no intelligence test to become a criminal, a Los Angeles gunman demanded cash and a bottle of gin from a clerk at a liquor store. But the clerk refused to give the man liquor until he proved his age, so the robber handed over his driver’s license. The clerk memorized the man’s name and address and the thief was arrested.

PHONER PHUN

Who serves the best cup of coffee in town? Starbucks? Dunkin’ Donuts? McDonald’s? The corner café that nobody knows about?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: When the foundation for the second temple was laid, the priest played trumpets. What did the Levites play?

ANSWER: Cymbals (Nehemiah 12:35-36)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the name of Walt Disney’s family dog?

ANSWER: Lady. She was a poodle.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The first telephone answering machine was invented in 1904. (True)

2. In 1899, a New York City taxi cab driver was the first person to get a traffic ticket for speeding. (True)

3. Einstein failed his very first college entrance exam. (True)

4. Henry Ford forgot to put a reverse gear in his very first car. (True)

5. There are 7 different species of penguins. (False – there are 17. Only 5 of those species live in a cold climate.)

6. Penguins have more feathers per square inch than any other bird in the world. (True)

7. Only five percent of the world’s population is truly ambidextrous. (False – two percent)

8. U.S. Postal Service processes 8 million address changes each year. (False – 38 million)

9. When Heinz launched their “green” ketchup in 2000, it delivered the highest increase in sales in the brand’s history. (True)

10. When Kellogg’s Raisin Bran first came out in 1942, they had a bunch of grapes instead of raisins next to the name of the cereal on the cereal box. In 1966, Sunny the happy smiling sun came out and that is when the grapes turned into raisins. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“MAN RETURNS TO CRIME SCENE TO ASK VICTIM FOR A _____” (DATE)


31-year-old Bruno Perez made the grave mistake of becoming smitten with21-year-old Lucia Marcelo — the postal worker he robbed at gunpoint in Genoa, Italy. So the next day, he bought flowers with some of the money he stole, then returned to the scene of the crime to apologize and ask her out on a date. She activated the silent alarm and police soon showed up to arrest the robbing Romeo.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.  You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  There is, however, a catch… you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1, These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2, These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3, These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.  “Wow,” she thinks, but she feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4, These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous and help with the housework.  “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5, These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but her suspense and curiosity get the best of her and she continues on to the sixth floor.  She gets to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6, “You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor.  This floor is here to simply prove that women are impossible to please.  Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.  Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!”

JOKE #2

A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was 
named Timex. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” 
Whereupon the blonde responded, “What else you gonna name watch dogs?”

JOKE #3

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” 
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

USELESS FACTS

Archeologists digging at the site of the Wright brothers’ home in Dayton, Ohio, have uncovered a button, two nails and some broken china that may have belonged to them. ***MARLAR: Which finally answers the question as to where their luggage ended up.

A 40-year-old British man entered the record books by becoming the first person ever to run around the world. It took him 5 years and 8 months to do it.  ***MARLAR: It would’ve been just three years, but he kept refusing to ask for directions.

FEATURED FUNNIES

LONG LIFE

A man, celebrating his 100th birthday, was being interviewed by the local newspaper reporter. “And what do you attribute your longevity to?” asked the reporter.

The centenarian answered, “I make sure I get up every morning”.

The puzzled reporter asked, “And just how do you do that?”

The man answered, “I drink six glasses of water before I go to bed.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT

College students protesting is nothing new. But students protesting NOTHING… now that’s new!  Students at Plymouth University in the UK held a silent demonstration about… well… nothing! Protesters carried blank white banners, and remained in complete silence during the protest. According to the organizer, Gwynn Wick, “there is really no such thing as nothing, for nothing is the absence of something.” ***MARLAR: Apparently there is an absence of something which has left nothing in her skull.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MY NEXT 40 YEARS

By: Joseph J. Mazzella

I was looking at the calendar the other day and noticed that my 40th birthday is just a few months off now. I did a quick peek over each shoulder to see if that dreaded mid-life crisis was trying to sneak up on me. I didn’t see a sight of him anywhere, and I doubt that he will show up at all. Yes, I have made more than my share of mistakes in my past that I am sorry for. My past, though, got me to where I am today. It made me who I am now. I can’t change it. I can only learn from it and use it to better live the time I have left.

I am not sure how long I will have left on this world. None of us ever know when our time here will end. Some of us get a century and some of us get only a day. One thing I do know, however, is that if I get them: my next 40 years are going to be my best 40 years. I am going to love more, give more, and live more. I am going to sing more, laugh more, and dance more. I am going to smile more, hug more, and listen more. I am going to take in more sunsets, pet more dogs, and thank God more for my life. I am going to take more walks, watch more fireflies, and smell more flowers. I am going to choose more love, more joy, and more oneness with God all day long, everyday I am given. I am going to share it all with the whole world and show everyone everywhere that they can do the same. I am going to spend everyday I have left here bringing a little more Heaven to Earth before I leave Earth for Heaven.

It doesn’t matter if you have 60 years, 40 years, 20 years, or 6 months left. You can still make it the best, most glorious, and most loving time of your life. The longest life here is still very short indeed. Do all you can then to live it in laughter, love, happiness, joy, goodness, and oneness with God. Then when you die and get to see God’s smiling face you will know that your next billion years will be your best billion years.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

PROSPERITY AND ADVERSITY
READ: Proverbs 30:1-9

Give me neither poverty nor riches—feed me with the food allotted to me. —Proverbs 30:8

Prosperity and adversity are equal-opportunity destroyers. The extremes of life can be hazardous because a person with too much may encounter as much difficulty as one with too little.

Agur, the writer of Proverbs 30, must have sensed this danger when he prayed: “Remove falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches—feed me with the food allotted to me; lest I be full and deny You, and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’ or lest I be poor and steal, and profane the name of my God” (Proverbs 30:8-9).

A similar request occurs in a beautiful choral anthem composed by Benjamin Harlan:

Write Your blessed name,
O Lord, upon my heart,
There to remain so indelibly engraved
That no prosperity, nor adversity
Shall remove me from Your love.

In Proverbs 30 the focus is on circumstances, while the song centers on the state of our heart. Perhaps we should pray that God would guard us in both areas of our lives.

The late Dr. Carlyle Marney, a prominent pastor, often said that most of us need to have our “wanter” fixed. Instead of always asking for more, we should seek the balance expressed in Proverbs 30.

When we invite the Lord to place His mark of ownership on our lives, we acknowledge His wise and loving provision for all our needs. —David C. McCasland

LEFTOVERS

OLD LUNCH BOXES BRING IN THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS

A 1954 Superman lunchbox broke records when it sold for a whopping $11,500 in auction. Though most vintage boxes won’t score a sliver of that price, many good-condition carriers still hold their weight in worth. Here are some lunch-boxes’ blue book values we thought you might be interested in?  Who knows? You might have some cold hard cash collecting dust in your attic!

1. Mickey Mouse, 1954 Available for $535.25

2. Marvel Super Heroes, 1976 Sold for $410.25

3. Star Wars, 1977 Sold for $335.25

4. Clash of the Titans, 1983 Available for $335.10

5. Stars and Stripes, 1970 Available for $325.50

LIFE… LIVE IT

THINGS CHILDREN SHOULD HEAR

10. You are amazing! I look at you with wonder! Not just at what you can do, but who you are. There is no one like you. No one!

9. You’ve made a mistake. That was wrong. People make mistakes. I do. Is it something we can fix? What can we do? It’s all over. You can start fresh. I know you are sorry. I forgive you.

8. You did the right thing. That was scary or hard. Even though it wasn’t easy, you did it. I am proud of you; you should be too.

7. Tell me about it. I’d like to hear more. And then what happened? I’ll listen.

6. I’m right here. I won’t leave without saying good-bye. I am watching you. I am listening to you.

5. Please and Thank You. These are important words. If I forget to use them, will you remind me?

4. I missed you. I think about you when we are not together!

3. I have a surprise for you. It’s not your birthday. It’s for no reason at all. Just a surprise, a little one, but a surprise.

2. I’m sorry. Forgive me. I made a mistake.

1. I love you! There is nothing that will make me stop loving you. Nothing you could do or say or think will ever change that.

JUST FOR FUN

I RESIGN!

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rock. I want to think M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree, and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life, and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again.

I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here’s my checkbook, my car keys, my credit card bills, and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, well, you’ll have to catch me first, cause. . . “TAG!! YOU’RE IT!!!”

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SUMMERTIME WHEN…

  • The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

  • The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

  • Hot water now comes out of both taps.

  • You can make sun tea instantly.

  • You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

  • The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

  • You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

  • You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

  • You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

  • You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

  • Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

  • You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

  • The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

  • Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Looks like they were right – breakfast is the most important meal of the day, particularly if you are trying to lose weight! Skip the cold cereal: Eating eggs and bacon in the morning can help you control your hunger later in the day. Indiana University scientists determined that dieters who consumed their biggest dose of daily protein at breakfast felt full longer than those who ate more of the nutrient at lunch or dinner. The upshot: “They were less likely to overeat the rest of the day,” says study author Heather Leidy, Ph.D. To fend off hunger, shoot for at least 20 to 30 grams of protein at breakfast. (Men’s Health)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The Purpose Hotel is on it’s way to becoming a reality. The concept of Jerry Cowart is now a kickstarter project with the goal of raising 2-million dollars. Jerry’s idea is to build an entire hotel chain where you can change the world in your sleep. He says: Imagine not just a hotel, but a global hotel chain, where every time you book a room a child gets sponsored, the internet fee fights human trafficking, and every product is purchased from partners who are making a difference. The kickstarter has already raise more than 200,000 dollars.

http://bit.ly/2aaFlok

Your kids are talking non-stop about Pokémon Go. Half of those you follow on facebook say it’s satanic while the others roll their eyes and say it’s no big deal. Now Focus on the Family is coming to the rescue. This week Focus President Jim Daly released a report on Pokemon Go titled: “What Parents Need to Know.”

http://bit.ly/29U3Hq3

A new video on parenting is now available from Dr. James Dobson. The video, titled Hang In There, encourages parents to “hang in there” during the frustrations of parenting. Watch online at http://youtu.be/Sqc5A2fDWuI?a.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you’d like a written transcript of today’s show, please call the number at the bottom of your radio.

Is it still considered drinking on the job if you have a home-based business?

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 22, 2016…

Star Trek: Beyond—J. J. Abrams is not at the helm this time, it is Justin Lin with Idris Elba (“Luther”) as the bad guy, Krall.. The crew is here including Chris Pine as Kirk, Zachary Quinto as Spock, Zoe Saldana as Uhuru, Simon Pegg as Scotty (Pegg is one of the scriptwriters), the late Anton Yelchik and John Cho.  This time the question has governments rethinking the Federation’s policies. Theater seat belts buckled? Away we go. “Star Trek: Beyond” is rated PG 13.  Rating of 4 for fans.

Ice Age: Collision Course—Life is pretty good in prehistoric times, with the usual suspects such as the woolly mammoth Dad (Ray Roman), Sid (John Luguizamo) and the woolly mammoth daughter, Peaches (Keke Palmer). Suddenly, there is a problem and it seems to be an asteroid coming their way. What to do? “Ice Age: Collision Course” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie—Continuing the success of the British hit comic sit-com, Edina (Jennifer Saunders) and Patsy (Joanna Lumley) go on their adventures in slightly off-fashion clothing and  a few drinks. Now, they are in the South of France. Also in the cast is Julie Awaits. “Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Lights Out—Teresa Palmer has to go home and help her family when something is haunting them. Sound familiar? “Lights Out” is rated R. No rating.

JULY 29, 2016…

Bad Moms is what happens when three Moms had a little too much to drink. Stars Mila Kunis.

Equity shows us the corporate world when a young woman tries to get a job there. Stars Anna Gunn.

Indignation is adapted from the Philip Roth book about a student in the mid-Fifties who has a crush on a girl in his class. Stars Logan Lerman.

Jason Bourne is b-a-c-k and starring Matt Damon as an almost-but-not-quite James-Bond action type (Bourne doesn’t wear Saville Row suits.)

Wiener Dog is the story of the adventures of a small dachshund as he goes from home to home and the people he meets. .

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.