June 01, 2015: Monday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150601

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I told my doctor yesterday that when I close my eyes I keep seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy. He said not to worry—I’m just suffering from Disney spells.

 

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is dedicated to our graduating seniors. I’ll never forget the thrill of accepting my diploma and looking out at the faces of those who made it all possible: my mother, my dad … my truant officer….

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” –James 3:17-18 New International Version

 

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. — James 1:19

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. — Isaiah 25:1

 

Thought: While there are many things for which we can praise God, one of the most significant is his faithfulness to do what he has planned and promised. While many of us are big dreamers and schemers, only God can accomplish the marvelous plans that he alone can make!

 

Prayer: Amazing and awesome God, thank you for planning a world so full of variety and beauty. Thank you for your amazing and wonderful works. Thank you for having a plan of salvation for us even before the creation of the world. Please help me be more diligent and disciplined in the plans I make to honor you and bring you glory. In Jesus’ name I praise you. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Isaiah 6:1 NIV = …I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 01, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 208 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

NATIONAL NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS RECOMMITMENT DAY. ***MARLAR: That’s right, you get another chance this year to feel like a complete failure.

 

Today is UNIVERSAL OPPOSITES DAY. Just do the exact opposite of what you ordinarily would do today. ***MARLAR: What’s the opposite of recommitting to my New Year’s resolutions? Whatever it is, I think I’ll do that.

 

This is NATIONAL BATHROOM READING WEEK. ***MARLAR: This is mostly for the women listening… because for the guys, it’s always Bathroom Reading Week.

 

This was INTERNATIONAL VOLUNTEERS WEEK. ***MARLAR: But all celebrations were cancelled, as they didn’t have enough volunteers to organize the event.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Global Day of Parents

Heimlich Maneuver Day

National Go Barefoot Day

National Leave The Office Early Day

National Thank God It’s Monday Day

Oscar The Grouch Day

Say Something Nice Day

Stand For Children Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, JUNE 02

National Bubba Day

Yell “Fudge” at The Cobras in North America Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day

National Running Day

National Tailors Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity to Hope Day

International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression

Old Maid’s Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day

Doughnut Day

Festival of Popular Delusions Day

Horseradish Days

Hot Air Balloon Day

National Moonshine Day

Positive Power of Humor and Creativity Days

World Environment Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 06

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)

Atheists Pride Day

D-Day

Drive-In Movie Day

Russian Language Day

YoYo Day

Belmont Stakes

Do-Dah Parade Day

Drawing Day / Pencil Day

National Trails ay

Turtle Races Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 07

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day

Daniel Boone Day

National Cancer Survivors Day

VCR Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 08

Upsy Daisy Day

World Oceans Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1880: The first pay phone was installed in the Yale Bank Building in New Haven, Connecticut.

 

1926: Actress Marilyn Monroe was born in Los Angeles. On her birthday in 1995 the U.S. Postal Service honored the late actress with a 32-cent stamp.

 

1935: The Ingersoll-Waterbury Company reported its two-year association with Walt Disney had produced 2.5 million Mickey Mouse watches.

 

1938: Superman first appeared in Action Comics. His creator, Toronto artist Joe Shuster, sold his rights to the character for $130. Superman’s origin was inspired by the biblical story of Moses, whose parents abandoned him as a baby to save his life. ***MARLAR: Clark Kent has been working at The Daily Planet since 1938, and yet the in-depth reporters there still aren’t suspicious? (

)

 

1954: In the “Peanuts” comic strip, Linus’ security blanket debuted. (

)

 

1964: The day following her graduation from high school, Dolly Parton moved from Sevierville, Tennessee, to Nashville. That same day she met her future husband, Carl Dean, who ran a Nashville asphalt-paving business.

 

1967: The Beatles released the album, “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.”

 

1969: John Lennon and Yoko Ono recorded “Give Peace a Chance” with Derek Taylor, Murray the K, Tommy and Dick Smothers, and Timothy Leary.

 

1980: Cable News Network debuted as the first all-news television network. (

)

 

1985: Weird Al Yankovic released “Dare to Be Stupid,” an album featuring the title song, plus “Like a Surgeon,” “I Want a New Duck,” “George of the Jungle,” and “Yoda.”

 

1991: Students in Almelo, Netherlands, completed the world’s largest jigsaw puzzle: 204,484 pieces. They finished the 1,036-square-foot puzzle in eight days.

 

1993: Connie Chung joined Dan Rather to co-anchor “The CBS Evening News.” She was dropped two years later.

 

1994: With police in hot pursuit, armed Scottish robber Derek McFadden raced away from a bank near Glasgow with $4,000. Then, he made a law-abiding mistake—he stopped for a red light and was arrested immediately.

 

1997: A feature of Chicago’s BookExpo America was Imre Somogyi, the world’s first toe reader. He was promoting his book ‘Reading Toes: Your Feet As Reflections of Your Personality.”

 

1997: Singer Kenny Rogers and Wanda Miller were married. It was Rogers’ 5th marriage.

 

1997: The Broadway show Titanic won five Tony Awards, including best musical.

 

2002: Sixteen skydivers set a new world record by jumping simultaneously from a hot air balloon over Peterborough, England, and landing safely on 6,000 rolls of the event sponsor’s toilet tissue. The participants, all pro skydivers, jumped from 10,000 feet.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

165 AD: Justin, an early Christian apologist, is beheaded with his disciples for their faith. “If we are punished for the sake of our Lord Jesus Christ, we hope to be saved,” he said just before his death. Christians soon named him Justin Martyr.

 

1843: Isabella Baumfree, having received a vision of God telling her to “travel up an’ down the land showin’ the people their sins an’ bein’ a sign unto them,” leaves New York and changes her name to Sojourner Truth. She became one of the most famous abolitionists and women’s rights lecturers in American history.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • model-actress (“Project Runway,” The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, Ella Enchanted) Heidi Klum 42
  • actress (Ciji Dunne on “Knots Landing,” married to Country singer Clint Black) Lisa Hartman Black 59 (
    )
  • actor (Vice President Noah Daniels on TV’s “24,” Cy Tolliver on HBO’s “Deadwood,” Senator Roark in Sin City) Powers Booth 66 (
    )
  • actor (Governor Weatherby Swann in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Haunted Honeymoon, Something Wicked This Way Comes) Jonathan Pryce 68
  • actor (Evan Almighty, Bruce Almighty, Batman Begins, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Kiss The Girls, Se7en) Morgan Freeman 78

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1915 : Johnny Bond

1921 : Nelson Riddle

1934 : Pat Boone

1945 : Linda Scott

1947 : Ron Wood (guitarist for The Faces and The Rolling Stones)

1950 : Charlene

1950 : Tom Robinson (Cafe Society)

1950 : Graham Russell (Air Supply)

1952 : John Ellis (The Vibrators)

1953 : Ronnie Dunn (Brooks & Dunn)

1958 : Barry Adamson (Magazine)

1959 : Alan Wilder (Depeche Mode)

1960 : Simon Gallup (The Cure)

1963 : Mike Joyce (The Smiths)

1967 : Roger Sanchez

1968 : Jason Donovan

1974 : Alanis Morissette

1996 : Damon Minchella (Ocean Colour Scene)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

So the myth that one dog year is equivalent to 7 human years is just that – a myth?

According to pet expert Dr. Jeffrey Werber, that dog-years formula is only accurate in the middle of a pet’s life span. Elsewhere, the first year of a pet’s life is equal to about 15 years; the second year is equal to about 10 years, and every year thereafter is equal to between 4 and 8 human years, depending on the breed and size of your pet. Plus, just because a dog is wagging his tail doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s friendly. While dogs often express their happiness and affection with a wagging tail, they also wag their tails when they are excited, ready to fight, tense, anxious and annoyed. ***MARLAR: Kind of like what (OTHER JOCK) does whenever he’s called into the manager’s office.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Comedian Daren Streblow says he saw an infomercial about a pressure cooker and bought one. Now it sounds like he’s a little out of control. Daren tweeted: I can’t pressure cook enough now.. whole chickens… cereal… old flip phones…

 

Mark Schultz’s wife Kate is trying something new. Mark announced on his Facebook page that she is starting a writing career. Kate has already released an Action and Adventure book for teens and young adults called Snow in Sicily. And she is now working on three children’s picture books. Mark says proceeds from the books will go to Remember Me Mission, the non-profit started by Mark and Kate to benefit orphans.

 

Juan DeVevo’s definition of a selfie stick might be different than most others. The Casting Crowns guitarist tweeted: Selfie Stick: a stick I use to hit people taking selfies.

 

Mark Lee wants to know if you can spare some change. The Third Day guitarist is out with another blog. He wrote: Whenever we think about change, it’s go big or go home. This is a lovely thought, except for one thing. We almost never follow through with it. Because it’s just too big, too much, too different for us to be able to handle. But Mark says: what if change was like, well, change? All those small things add up to big things. And next thing you know, you’ve changed.

 

Jeremy Camp is putting it all in perspective. He tweeted: I want to remember to be like the leper who was healed & stopped to say THANK YOU, instead of carrying on and forget what Jesus has done.

 

Some dad advice from Casting Crowns Mark Hall in response to the question: when is it ok to make little jokes about your daughter’s weight? Mark says: Never, Ever, Ever…Words cut deep and are never forgotten.

 

Big Daddy Weave drummer Jeff Jones is wrapping up work on a drumming course. He says he is wrapping up work on the last few videos and links will be coming soon.

 

Citizenway member David Blascoe says it’s official…he is in the early stages of conjuring up his own beard oil.

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard last week shared some advice given to him more than 10 years ago. He said: It’s silliness to be jealous of the story God is writing in someone else’s life when he is writing something unique for you in yours.’

 

The band Cloverton last week introduced their new guitarist. His name is Conner Giles and he hails from Nebraska. Conner actually studied the cello at the Glenn Korff School of Music, a division of the University of Nebraska in Lincoln. Band members say he enjoys classical music, reading, outer space, and vegetables.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Officials say those Boston snow piles are even more vile    photo
BOSTON (AP) — It’s disgusting enough to put you off snow cones for the rest of the summer. A Boston public works official says the towering piles of filthy snow left over from the city’s record-setting winter are even more grotesque than most people can imagine. Daniel Nee says one giant pile…

 

Animal control mistakes life-sized toy for tiger
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) — An animal control worker in Michigan was convinced he was looking at a young tiger lying in a driveway, so he approached with care. He grabbed a pole and a shield, and called police. Turns out, it was a stuffed animal. HASH(0x1430820) Supervisor Joe Dainelis…
Teen charged with taking $25K, giving classmates $100 bills
MEDINA, Ohio (AP) — A 13-year-old Ohio boy accused of stealing $25,000 from his 83-year-old grandfather and handing out $100 bills to his middle school classmates has been charged as a juvenile. HASH(0x140e5b0) Authorities say the boy gave away thousands of dollars last month before schools…
20-year-old Wisconsin cheddar makes debut at $209 a pound
MINERAL POINT, Wis. (AP) — A Wisconsin cheesemaker is debuting a 20-year-old cheddar this week that’s short in supply and big on price. HASH(0xc2aba0) “It’s like a milestone in the cheese industry,” said Ken Monteleone, owner of an artisan cheese shop in Madison. There’s about of 20 pounds of…
Man with 1st name ‘God’ settles with credit rating agency
NEW YORK (AP) — A New York City man whose first name is God has settled a lawsuit with a credit reporting agency that had refused to recognize his name as legitimate. Under the agreement reached in Brooklyn federal court this week, Equifax will enter God Gazarov’s name into its database. The…
Firefighters too big, but girl just right to rescue kitten    photo
LANCASTER, Pa. (AP) — Firefighters were too big to rescue a kitten from a storm drain in south-central Pennsylvania, but a 6-year-old girl’s size proved to be just right. Lancaster Township firefighters responded when the girl, Janeysha Cruz, and her friends saw the trapped kitten Tuesday…
Bear scurries around Wyoming city, falls asleep, gets caught    photo
CASPER, Wyo. (AP) — After leading wildlife officials on a daylong chase through a Wyoming city, an exhausted young black bear fell asleep under a tree. HASH(0x140e5d0) “He was so sound asleep he didn’t move when we used the tranquilizer,” she said. Game wardens captured the bear around 6:45…
Mystery of disappearing holes in Swiss cheese solved    photo
BERLIN (AP) — The mystery of Swiss cheese and its disappearing holes has been solved: The milk’s too clean. A Swiss agricultural institute discovered that tiny specks of hay are responsible for the famous holes in cheeses like Emmentaler or Appenzeller. As milk matures into cheese these…
Wife, husband say they hit back-to-back holes-in-one
GRAND LEDGE, Mich. (AP) — A wife and husband from Michigan say they both got a hole-in-one in consecutive shots at the same hole. HASH(0x1410690) The newspaper says two golfers who didn’t know the Blundys verified the back-to-back holes-in-one. According to contest prize insurer National…
Long-lost diamond ring found in old NY log cabin being moved
LISBON, N.Y. (AP) — A diamond ring lost for some 30 years has been found by preservationists dismantling a 19th-century log cabin so it can be moved to another town in northern New York. HASH(0x13ec750) Parmeter says she searched for the ring but never did find it by the time they moved out…
English resort sees crime fall after mankini clampdown
LONDON (AP) — It was one small ban for mankinis, one giant step for an English seaside resort town. Officials in Newquay say crime has fallen since they cracked down on stag parties with revelers wearing the revealing one-piece garments. The town in southwest England is a haven for surfers…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Study sees benefit from more extensive breast cancer surgery
CHICAGO (AP) — Having a little extra tissue taken off during breast cancer surgery greatly lowers the risk that some cancer will be left behind and require a second operation, according to a new study that could change care for more than 100,000 women in the United States alone each year….

 

Northern Ireland leader blames heart attack on bad lifestyle
NEWCASTLE, Northern Ireland (AP) — Northern Ireland’s leader says he suffered a heart attack this week because he lives on junk food, gets too little sleep and no exercise. In his first comments since being released from hospital, First Minister Peter Robinson said he blames “myself and…
More cancer success with drugs that enlist immune system    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — For the first time, a major study shows that a drug targeting the body’s disease-fighting immune system may improve survival for the most common form of lung cancer. These newer kinds of drugs have transformed treatment of melanoma, the deadliest kind of skin cancer. Studies…
Former quadriplegic runs, walks to show others they can    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — The worst day of Aaron Baker’s life wasn’t when the then-20-year-old professional motocross racer crashed his bike one spring day in 1999, flew over the handlebars and hit the ground head-first, paralyzing him from the neck down. No, the worst day came a year later when…
Wisconsin governor: Obama power plant rule ‘unworkable’    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, a Republican eyeing a presidential run in 2016, says President Barack Obama’s plan to reduce pollution from coal-fired power plants is “unworkable.” Wisconsin will not comply with the president’s plan without “significant and meaningful changes,”…
NIH: Major study finds earlier HIV treatment improves health    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A major international study sought to settle how soon is best to start HIV treatment — and the advice is don’t delay. People who started anti-AIDS drugs while their immune system was strong were far less likely to develop AIDS or other serious illnesses than if they…
Shocking ads ignite debate about abortion ban in Chile    photo
SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) — The video shows a woman climbing a stairwell, her belly visibly pregnant, as she offers suggestions: Make sure there are no security cameras. Be careful not to look down or you might regret it. She tumbles backward as the screen goes black. “When you reach the bottom…
Administration asks judge to toss House health care suit    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — A skeptical federal judge grilled Obama administration lawyers Thursday over the House GOP’s health care lawsuit, sounding unlikely to side with the president and dismiss the case. “You don’t really think that, do you?” U.S. District Judge Rosemary Collyer asked Justice…
Pentagon: Anthrax shipments broader than first thought    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Pentagon said Friday that the Army’s mistaken shipments of live anthrax to research laboratories were more widespread than it initially reported, prompting the Defense Department’s second-ranking official to order a thorough review. In a statement issued Friday evening,…
Spike in water toxins blamed for hundreds of turtle deaths    photo
JAMESPORT, N.Y. (AP) — Hundreds of small turtles have washed up dead on the eastern end of Long Island in the last month, a die-off scientists blame on waterborne toxins that have reached unprecedented levels for reasons that aren’t entirely clear. Necropsies on some of the more than 200…
Demi Lovato is the face of mental health in new campaign    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — When Demi Lovato was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, she was actually relieved. “Growing up, I felt very, very depressed,” she said. “Even though I was playing concerts and living out my dream, I couldn’t tell you why I was upset.” After a family intervention, she sought…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Security cameras at a Florida shopping mall caught a pair of suspected shoplifters recently walking out of a store with $1,478 in stolen goods. One of the women’s shirts had the words “Won’t Be Caught” printed in block letters on the front. And at last report they haven’t been caught.  ***Be looking for me at McDonald’s wearing a “I won’t get fat” t-shirt.

 

A 31-year-old woman in China suffered kidney failure after squatting 700 times while exercising.  ***She calls it exercising; the rest of the word calls it violating the Geneva Convention.

 

The decade-long marriage of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner is reportedly on the rocks. Both “OK!” Magazine and the “National Enquirer” have reported that the pair is headed towards a $150-million divorce.  *** I hope, for Ben’s sake, that this is not true.  After seeing Jennifer as Electra, and watching the TV show “Alias”, that is one woman you do not want on your bad side.

 

Federal prosecutors have charged former Illinois Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert with illegally structuring cash withdrawals from bank accounts to conceal payments to someone he committed “prior misconduct” against and lying to the FBI about it.  *** Wow.  An Illinois politician finding themselves on the outs with the law?  Well, I guess there’s a first time for everything.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

What’s the number one item to that gives a woman buyer’s remorse? Leather pants. Forty-six percent of 2,000 women said they never wore the leather pants they purchased because they were afraid the pants made them “look tacky” and “that they were trying too hard.”  ***MARLAR: Obviously, this poll was NOT taken at Wal-Mart.

 

Although vitamin D boosts the immune system, taking large doses of the nutrient does not appear to ward off colds, a new study from New Zealand says.  In the study, participants who took high doses of vitamin D supplements every month for more than a year were just as likely to catch colds as those who took a placebo.  ***MARLAR: Really?  Wow – where can I get some of those awesome placebo pills?!?!

 

Scientists have created a genetically modified cow that produces milk with low levels of a protein known to cause allergic reactions in a significant proportion of children. The researchers believe it could one day lead to the sale of “hypoallergenic” milk from herds of genetically modified cows.  ***MARLAR: The goal with the genetic modifications is to eventually create a cow that gives chocolate milk.  At least, that’d be my goal.

 

The first large study to examine the use of X-rays, CT scans and other medical radiation in children estimates the average child will get more than seven radiation scans by age 18, a potentially worrisome trend.  Most of the scans involve X-rays, which use relatively little radiation. But there is growing concern about CT scans, which entail far more radiation and can raise the risk for cancer, particularly in children. The study found that X-rays of the chest, hand and foot are the most common.  ***MARLAR: On the plus side, too much radiation gives you super powers so you can pummel the doctors for giving you too much radiation.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wrong Numbers”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Rat Salad”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was flying around the world with Jean Claude the flying squirrel trying to find somewhere that didn’t know about Steve Mozart. But alas, that was impossible – so Millard, defeated, is now heading back home… where he always takes second place to Steve Mozart.

 

CLOSE: What on earth could Millard be planning? What does a copy shop have to do with Steve Mozart’s concert? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 06/07, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were so busy trying to get so many things done that they didn’t have time for anything else… meetings, planning, even talking to each other! They were getting annoyed with each other – and then, all at once, the animals shouted…

 

CLOSE: Do the turtles have a secret to staying calm, cool, and collected? Will they share the secret with the other animals? Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A trip to pay a water bill turns into a terrible Moment of Duh!

While her mother went in to pay a water bill, 15-year-old Alexandria Moore of Lithonia Georgia decided to move the car. She ”moved” it up onto the curb sideswiping another vehicle and slamming into a Lexus which then slammed into another car. Apparently wanting to ”rewind” her experience she put the car into reverse scraping a concrete pole and backing into an SUV which then hit another car. Two of the six cars needed to be towed away. She was charged with reckless driving.

 

 

TOP TEN

MURPHY’S TOP TEN LAWS OF COMPUTING

 

  1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

 

  1. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

 

  1. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

 

  1. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

 

  1. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

 

  1. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

 

  1. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

 

  1. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

 

  1. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

 

  1. The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If robbing a store in order to get grocery money is a bad idea, robbing a store NEXT to the grocery store you’re planning on shopping at may not be the brightest idea either!

 

FILE #1: A woman from Indiana found herself in need of a medical prescription, but no money to buy it. So she and her boyfriend decided to rob the grocery store right next door to the pharmacy. The two then proceeded to go straight from robbing the grocery store to the pharmacy. There she gave her real name, address and telephone number to purchase her prescription. With this information the police were able to meet the bungling robbers just as they got home from the pharmacy. She obviously must have ran out her “thinking pills” before pulling this stunt!

 

FILE #2: With police in hot pursuit, armed Scottish robber Derek McFadden raced away from a bank near Glasgow with $4,000. Then, he made a law-abiding mistake—he stopped for a red light and was arrested immediately.

 

FILE #3: This kid in Medford, Oregon, either will learn from his mistake or end up on some list of the world’s dumbest criminals. He used a car jack to try to pry the garage door of a neighbor’s empty house. But, the door collapsed onto him. His mother saw his legs sticking out from under the garage door. She called 9-1-1 when she when couldn’t free him. The boy’s not hurt but he now faces trespassing charges.

 

STRANGE LAW: A Texas law requires that a criminal give the expected victim a 24 hour notice stating the crime to be committed. This can be orally or in writing.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Three miles per hour… and pulled over for drunk driving!

In Thompson Township, Ohio, a man was drunk when he tried to run down two law enforcement officers — while driving a 10-ton bulldozer. William Armstrong refused to stop as his Caterpillar excavator rumbled toward two law enforcement vehicles. Officers eventually persuaded Armstrong to stop the vehicle and gave him a breathalyzer test. His blood-alcohol level was .244 percent, more than three times the legal limit of 0.08.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is National New Year’s Resolutions Recommitment Day. What were YOUR resolutions for the year? How are you doing with your New Year’s Resolutions? Do you need to recommit? WILL you recommit, or have you just given up entirely?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: After God had commanded Israel to wander in the wilderness for 40 years, some tried to go into the Promised Land. What happened to them?

ANSWER: The Amalekites and Canaanites fought them (Numbers 14:40-45)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In the movie, “The Wizard of Oz”, what is Dorothy’s last name?

ANSWER: Gail… it’s written on the mailbox.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. Thomas Jefferson was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. (False – John Adams)

 

  1. Even though Dr. Seuss wrote successful books for children, he never had any of his own. (True)

 

  1. The 1996 Olympics was the last time gold medals were made entirely of gold. (False – 1912)

 

  1. Kermit the Frog was named after Kermit Scott, a childhood friend of creator Jim Henson. (True)

 

  1. An elephant’s tooth can weigh as much as two pounds. (False – it can be as heavy as twelve pounds!)

 

  1. The true identity of Batman’s archenemy, the Penguin, was Oswald Cobblepot. (True)

 

  1. It would take 517,578 dollar bills to cover a football field. (True)

 

  1. Pablo Picasso often paid for things by check because people would keep the check for the value of his signature, thus allowing him to get things for free. (True)

 

  1. There are 4,012 doors in the White House. (False – there are 412)

 

  1. A dog by the name of Laika was launched into space aboard the Russian spacecraft Sputnik 2 in 1957. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

LEPRECHAUN TO FIGHT ______ (OBAMA)

On behalf of the Catholic church, the Leprechaun has challenged President Obama to a cage match!

The archdiocese of New York, headed by Cardinal Timothy Dolan, the archdiocese of Washington, D.C., headed by Cardinal Donald Wuerl, the University of Notre Dame, and 40 other Catholic dioceses and organizations around the country announced on Monday that they are suing the Obama administration for violating their freedom of religion, which is guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

The University of Notre Dame sent the Leprechaun to speak on behalf of the lawsuit and he immediately challenged Obama to a cage match as a way to settle the issue “like men.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

 

JOKE #2

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, “Who wears the pants in your family?”

“I do,” Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, “I also wash and iron them.”

 

JOKE #3

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.”

“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. “Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”

A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Ozzy Osbourne loves a British cereal so much, that every month, he has a case of “Sugar Puffs” shipped to his L.A. home.  ***MARLAR: After hearing the guy talk, he may need to dial the sugar back a bit.

 

According to a new survey, bullies are taking full advantage of the latest technology. Sixteen percent of young people say they have received a bullying message through their mobile phone or computer. ***MARLAR: Now how does this work?  “Hey, McFly, PayPal your milk money to me or you’re getting a cyber-wedgie!”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

SOFTWARE TRAINING

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.
When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. “I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
“Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CUSTOMER NO-SERVICE

Good customer service is hard to find these days! Just ask Niel Soley!

…The London man noticed a pipe had burst in his garden recently so he called the water company. Unable to get a “real person” on the phone, he did what he was told to do by the voice mail service, “Hang on, someone will be right with you.” 4 hours and 40 minutes later, a human picked up the phone and by that time, 5,000 gallons of water had filled his yard and flooded his home. ***MARLAR: So he called back to complain.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“The Lord will decide between us. Perhaps the Lord will punish you for what you are trying to do to me, but I will never harm you.” –1 Samuel 24:12

One of the hardest lessons you may face in life is learning not to avenge yourself. In two separate instances with two different enemies, David demonstrated the importance of not taking revenge. In the cave at En-gedi, David could have killed Saul and been finished with running from him day and night. Instead, David opted against avenging Saul’s evil attempts to destroy him and swore that his hand would never touch Saul. In another instance in the Old Testament, Abigail intercepted David and persuaded him not to avenge himself upon Nabal. David thanked her for keeping him from shedding blood that day and preventing him from taking revenge with his own hands (1 Samuel 25:33). How easy it is to take matters into your own hands, even though God has said, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord? (Romans 12:19 KJV). The devil may have sent someone who is encouraging you to take matters into your own hands, but leave your vengeance in God’s hands. One day you will look up and the Sauls and Nabals in your life will disappear like stones shot from a sling! (1 Samuel 25:29). –Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

EARTHWORMS & FRUIT

READ: Job 37:14-19

Every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused. —1 Timothy 4:4

Have you ever wondered why God made a particular creature, like mosquitos or snakes? I’ve often wondered about earthworms. Why did God form such creepy crawlers?

Actually, worms have an indispensable function to fulfill. Amy Stuart, in her book The Earth Moved: On The Remarkable Achievements of Earthworms tells us that in an average acre of ground there are countless earthworms continually breaking up the soil. Their silent and invisible activity is absolutely essential—no worms, no vegetation.

What, then, can we learn from earthworms? Not only in nature but also in our lives there are invisible forces at work. There is the silent and unseen work of prayer by those who are concerned about our well-being. There is the work of our own spiritual discipline, as we pray and meditate on God’s Word. And there is the vital work of the Holy Spirit, breaking up the clogged soil of our souls and producing in us the Christlike fruit of “love, joy, peace, longsuffering . . .” (Galatians 5:22-23).

In our lives and in our world, God has ordained unseen influences that bear fruit. Whether it’s the lowly earthworm or the crown of God’s creation—the human race—there is so much more at work than meets the eye. —Vernon C Grounds

 

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.  —Alexander

 

God’s unseen work in our hearts produces fruit in our lives.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

MISS ME?

Ian Johnstone missed his girlfriend so much he flew back to Britain from Australia to propose to her.   But it didn’t work out quite the way he expected!

It sounds like something out of a cheesy commercial for an airline, but this time it really happened. A boyfriend decided to surprise his girlfriend by flying to another country to see her. Only problem was that his girlfriend had the exact same idea at the exact same time! Ian Johnstone flew from Australia to Britain… but Amy Dolby flew from Britain to Australia. Oops! Stranger still, Ian and Amy even managed to miss each other when they sat in the same airport lounge in Singapore at the same time to wait for connecting flights. Once they both figured out what happened, Ian called Amy (which happened to be at his apartment crying her eyes out), and asked her to marry him. According to her, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but she accepted. In the meantime, Amy was given a tour of Sydney by Ian’s friends before going home. Ian, however, had to stay in Britain for two weeks because he could not change his ticket. ***MARLAR: If these two are getting married, the first thing they need to work on is communication.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

FATHER’S DAY IS COMING!

It turns out there’s a big disconnect between what women think men want for Fathers Day, and what those men actually want. A survey found 60% of women think their man would love a ticket to a sporting event, while only 36% of men pick that as their top choice.  Women also thought their man would love a power tool. Maybe not. So, what do men really want? Here it is: a smartphone or tablet. That was followed by a home cooked meal. The majority of men ranked those two as their top choices.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HOUSE FOR SALE?
A classified advertisement that ran in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch offered what seemed like a great deal on a house in a wealthy St. Louis suburban neighborhood. The ad read: “For sale by owner: 1201 South Warson Road. Open house May 24. Lavish two-story residence, all brick, renovated bathroom, theater/entertainment room, finished basement, intercom system, tennis court and indoor pool. $550,000/offer.” The great deal turned out to be a high school senior’s prank. The house up for sale was Ladue Horton Watkins High School. And the open house date was the last day of classes for seniors. Brad Heger, assistant principal at the school, found out about the ad when he was bombarded with at least a dozen calls from prospective buyers. Heger took the prank in stride, saying he wouldn’t punish the student responsible for the ad and said it was one of the better senior pranks he has seen. His only problem with the ad was that the “house” seemed way under-priced.

 

 

FUN LIST

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  • On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink’ at the bottom.
  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’
  • Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ while continually pushing buttons.
  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.’

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Hey, Mom and Dad… you know you’re important to the life and well-being of your teenager.  Right?

Mothers—and fathers—can have a profound effect on civil society by helping to mold the next generation into healthy, well-adjusted adults.   Mothers’ involvement has been shown to influence a broad range of outcomes for adolescents. For example, teens whose parents are present when they wake up, come home from school, and go to bed are less likely to experience emotional distress, and those whose parents are more involved in their lives tend to have higher levels of self-esteem and self-control. Teens with greater parental involvement in their schooling are also more likely to graduate from high school and achieve higher levels of education. Finally, mothers’ investment in and communication with their children has been shown to have significant impact regarding risky behaviors ranging from sexual behavior to substance abuse.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS! – VALEDICTORIAN… TIMES 44!

Los Angeles school administrators are so immersed in political correctness, they couldn’t even choose one valedictorian for each school! Instead, they had 44 valedictorians at one school!

We wouldn’t want to hurt the children’s feelings, would we? We want everyone to be happy happy happy! That seems to be the attitude of Los Angeles high school administrators. They refused to select a single valedictorian for a school in 2002 because it might’ve hurt other students’ feelings. Because of this, Granada Hills High had 44 valedictorians that year, Chatsworth High had 31, Cleveland High had 20 valedictorians in 2002, Monroe High had 17 and North Hollywood High had 10. One teacher explained it this way, “If one person got very, very good grades and was singled out as valedictorian, we might be saying they are better than other kids.”

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

Trying to have a baby? You might want to hold off on the alcohol — even if you’re not sure whether you’re pregnant yet! According to the Huffing Post, new research on mice suggests that a mother’s drinking — even in the first three weeks of pregnancy — may create changes in the genes of the embryo that can cause permanent damage. In light of the findings, the researchers suggest that women would be wise to cut back on drinking, or avoid alcohol altogether, as soon as they make the decision to get pregnant. http://ow.ly/NEy5W

 

Cyber-churches are helping one ministry’s efforts to disciple former Muslims in remote areas of Middle Eastern countries. According to Christian Aid, villagers gathering for study or worship in homes would be conspicuous but the Internet is accessible in most remote areas of the region, allowing former Muslims to attend online “churches” in relative safety until circumstances allow face-to-face fellowship. http://ow.ly/NEyAJ

 

God’s power reigns in the most pagan of environments. Even in cultures where evil is worshipped, God is still working. According to Mission Network News, This was made clear to Alex while his group was showing the Jesus film in Zambia. A witch became angry when she found out the movie would be played in her village, so she took action, disrupting the event and terrified the audience. But Alex and his group prayed and then continued on, showing the movie again the next day. They saw over 600 people give their lives to Christ, including the witch. http://ow.ly/NEyUI

 

The Stillwater Concert Choir doesn’t need a concert venue to provide great music. The group of high school students recently were staying at a hotel and, while swimming in the hotel pool, noticed that it had perfect acoustics. In response the members of the choir delivered a quick impromptu concert.  http://ow.ly/NEz6D

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Why is it that they sell lemon juice with artificial ingredients… yet lemon floor polish is made with real lemon juice? What’s that all about? I want real lemon for my iced tea… so now I drink it with a twist of Mop ‘n Glow.”

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 29, 2015…

 

San Andreas 3 D—There has been a giant earthquake in southern California. Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is a helicopter rescue pilot who, with his former wife Carla Gugino) is trying to find their lost daughter, Alexandra Daddario. Paul Giamatti is also in the cast. They are heading for San Francisco and all this in 3 D, too. “San Andreas 3 D” is rated PG 13.. Rating of 3 for fans. (Note: for another Southern California earthquake movie, see “Earthquake {1974} with Charlton Heston and Ava Gardner.) With “Aloha” opening this weekend, people fleeing the earthquake can head for the South Pacific.

 

Aloha—Bradley Cooper is a  contractor who falls in love with a woman pilot (Emma Stone.) He is doing satellite work. All this set against the South Pacific and written by Cameron Crowe. The cast is a large one including Rachel McAdams, Alec Baldwin, Bill Murray, Danny McBride and John Krasinski. “Aloha” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the cast.

 

JUNE 05, 2015…

 

Entourage with the film continuing the television series, is finally here. Stars Adrian Grenier and Jeremy Piven (now “Mr. Selfridge” on PBS)

 

Insidious Chapter 3 had to happen, with Dermot Mulroney and Lin Shaye, the haunting continues.

 

Spy has Melissa McCarthy as the bottom of the FBI totem pole who decides to volunteer for a mission.

 

Testament of Youth stars Alicia Vikander (“Ex Machina”) and Kit Harington (“Game of Thrones”) in a movie about WWI.

 

Love & Mercy stars Elizabeth Banks (“Perfect Pitch 2”), John Cusack and Paul Dano

 

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WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.