June 01, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20170601
PDF: 20170601

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Please stop asking me if I’m on Snapchat.  I work in radio – I can’t possibly speak into a microphone and keep it under ten seconds unless my job depends on it.

I told my doctor yesterday that when I close my eyes I keep seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy. He said not to worry—I’m just suffering from Disney spells.

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is dedicated to our graduating seniors. I’ll never forget the thrill of accepting my diploma and looking out at the faces of those who made it all possible: my mother, my father … my truant officer….

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” –James 3:17-18 New International Version

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. — James 1:19

O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. — Isaiah 25:1

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Cast all your anxiety on him [God] because he cares for you. — 1 Peter 5:7

Thought: Isn’t it absolutely incredible that the God who made the universe cares about us and our needs, hurts, and fears! So let’s trust that he will do what is best for us and show it by living for him!

Prayer: Loving Father and Almighty God, I consciously place all of my anxieties, worries, cares, and frustrations in your hands. I will do my best to not dwell on them and trust that you will do what is best for me and those I love. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Isaiah 6:1 NIV = …I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 01, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
206 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS RECOMMITMENT DAY. ***That’s right, you get another chance this year to feel like a complete failure.

Today is UNIVERSAL OPPOSITES DAY. Just do the exact opposite of what you ordinarily would do today. ***What’s the opposite of recommitting to my New Year’s resolutions? Whatever it is, I think I’ll do that.

This is NATIONAL BATHROOM READING WEEK. ***This is mostly for the women listening… because for the guys, it’s always Bathroom Reading Week.

This was INTERNATIONAL VOLUNTEERS WEEK. ***But all celebrations were cancelled, as they didn’t have enough volunteers to organize the event.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
Superman’s Birthday

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, JUNE 02

Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
National Bubba Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day
Doughnut Day or Donut Day
Horseradish Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
Loving Day
National Prairie Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National Cancer Survivors Day
Old Maid’s Day
Children’s Awareness Memorial Day

MONDAY, JUNE 05

Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
World Environment Day
Apple II Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 06
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 07

(Daniel) Boone Day
National Running Day
National Tailors Day
VCR Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 08

National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

ON THIS DAY

1880: The first pay phone was installed in the Yale Bank Building in New Haven, Connecticut.

1926: Actress Marilyn Monroe was born in Los Angeles. On her birthday in 1995 the U.S. Postal Service honored the late actress with a 32-cent stamp.

1935: The Ingersoll-Waterbury Company reported its two-year association with Walt Disney had produced 2.5 million Mickey Mouse watches.

1938: Superman first appeared in Action Comics. His creator, Toronto artist Joe Shuster, sold his rights to the character for $130. Superman’s origin was inspired by the biblical story of Moses, whose parents abandoned him as a baby to save his life. ***Clark Kent has been working at The Daily Planet since 1938, and yet the in-depth reporters there still aren’t suspicious? (audio clip)

1954: In the “Peanuts” comic strip, Linus’ security blanket debuted. (audio clip)

1964: The day following her graduation from high school, Dolly Parton moved from Sevierville, Tennessee, to Nashville. That same day she met her future husband, Carl Dean, who ran a Nashville asphalt-paving business.

1967: The Beatles released the album, “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.”

1969: John Lennon and Yoko Ono recorded “Give Peace a Chance” with Derek Taylor, Murray the K, Tommy and Dick Smothers, and Timothy Leary.

1980: Cable News Network debuted as the first all-news television network. (audio clip)

1985: Weird Al Yankovic released “Dare to Be Stupid,” an album featuring the title song, plus “Like a Surgeon,” “I Want a New Duck,” “George of the Jungle,” and “Yoda.”

1991: Students in Almelo, Netherlands, completed the world’s largest jigsaw puzzle: 204,484 pieces. They finished the 1,036-square-foot puzzle in eight days.

1993: Connie Chung joined Dan Rather to co-anchor “The CBS Evening News.” She was dropped two years later.

1994: With police in hot pursuit, armed Scottish robber Derek McFadden raced away from a bank near Glasgow with $4,000. Then, he made a law-abiding mistake—he stopped for a red light and was arrested immediately.

1997: A feature of Chicago’s BookExpo America was Imre Somogyi, the world’s first toe reader. He was promoting his book ‘Reading Toes: Your Feet As Reflections of Your Personality.”

1997: Singer Kenny Rogers and Wanda Miller were married. It was Rogers’ 5th marriage.

1997: The Broadway show Titanic won five Tony Awards, including best musical.

2002: Sixteen skydivers set a new world record by jumping simultaneously from a hot air balloon over Peterborough, England, and landing safely on 6,000 rolls of the event sponsor’s toilet tissue. The participants, all pro skydivers, jumped from 10,000 feet.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

165 AD: Justin, an early Christian apologist, is beheaded with his disciples for their faith. “If we are punished for the sake of our Lord Jesus Christ, we hope to be saved,” he said just before his death. Christians soon named him Justin Martyr.

1843: Isabella Baumfree, having received a vision of God telling her to “travel up an’ down the land showin’ the people their sins an’ bein’ a sign unto them,” leaves New York and changes her name to Sojourner Truth. She became one of the most famous abolitionists and women’s rights lecturers in American history.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • model-actress (“Project Runway,” The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, Ella Enchanted) Heidi Klum 44

  • actress (Ciji Dunne on “Knots Landing,” married to Country singer Clint Black) Lisa Hartman Black 61 (audio clip)

  • actor (Vice President Noah Daniels on TV’s “24,” Cy Tolliver on HBO’s “Deadwood,” Senator Roark in Sin City) Powers Booth 66 (audio clip)

  • actor (Governor Weatherby Swann in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Haunted Honeymoon, Something Wicked This Way Comes) Jonathan Pryce 70

  • actor (Evan Almighty, Bruce Almighty, Batman Begins, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Kiss The Girls, Se7en) Morgan Freeman 80

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1915 : Johnny Bond

1921 : Nelson Riddle

1934 : Pat Boone

1945 : Linda Scott

1947 : Ron Wood (guitarist for The Faces and The Rolling Stones)

1950 : Charlene

1950 : Tom Robinson (Cafe Society)

1950 : Graham Russell (Air Supply)

1952 : John Ellis (The Vibrators)

1953 : Ronnie Dunn (Brooks & Dunn)

1958 : Barry Adamson (Magazine)

1959 : Alan Wilder (Depeche Mode)

1960 : Simon Gallup (The Cure)

1963 : Mike Joyce (The Smiths)

1967 : Roger Sanchez

1968 : Jason Donovan

1974 : Alanis Morissette

1996 : Damon Minchella (Ocean Colour Scene)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

So the myth that one dog year is equivalent to 7 human years is just that – a myth?

According to pet expert Dr. Jeffrey Werber, that dog-years formula is only accurate in the middle of a pet’s life span. Elsewhere, the first year of a pet’s life is equal to about 15 years; the second year is equal to about 10 years, and every year thereafter is equal to between 4 and 8 human years, depending on the breed and size of your pet. Plus, just because a dog is wagging his tail doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s friendly. While dogs often express their happiness and affection with a wagging tail, they also wag their tails when they are excited, ready to fight, tense, anxious and annoyed. ***MARLAR: Kind of like what (OTHER JOCK) does whenever he’s called into the manager’s office.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Advice from Matthew West: We must stop looking within ourselves and instead look to the One who made us.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUhfHZlgmjl/

From Danny Gokey: The biggest lie that the world still believes is that God can’t be trusted. But those who hope and trust in the Lord will NEVER be put to shame. Trust Him because He’s working things out for you that are way bigger than you can imagine.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUgEPlSFEO0/

A word of Advice from Casting Crowns front man and Youth Pastor Mark Hall: Youth Pastors should always have plenty of helmets in their offices.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUdOIH5lAyW/

A good reminder from Danny Gokey: The best way to start the day is with Jesus. As a matter of fact, it’s the only way to live throughout any day. He’s described as the Good Shepherd in Psalms 23 who leads YOU into green pastures, who restores YOUR soul, and comforts YOU. I don’t know what you’re experiencing today, but I do know that no matter how bad it is, He’s the answer.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUeW0-BlBvf/

Stars Go Dim says their songs are showing up in some unique places. Members of the band posted this week: Thank you to ADT Security for using our song in their new commercial! We believe, just like they do, You Are Loved wherever you are!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUf8CFphblD/

Mat Kearney is suggesting a new feature on twitter using the hashtag #littleknowfact. He’s starting things off. Mat shared: I LOVE little know facts about people. He added a fact about himself. Mat said:I didn’t watch tv for a year in the 5th grade.

Ready to feel old? Tobymac was celebrating his son’s high-school graduation of the weekend. Yep – Tobymac is old enough to be the father of a high school graduate. He posted a picture with his son and added: So honored to be his dad. So proud to call him son. So excited about what tomorrow holds.

https://twitter.com/officialtobymac/status/869597741986578432/photo/1

Jonny Diaz posted a picture of his Memorial Day workout that includes a 1 mile run, 100 pull-ups, 200 push-ups, 300 squats and then another 1 mile run. Jonny posted: Every memorial day, I do this work out as fast as I can. The idea is… when it starts to really hurt, it’s a little reminder of what all of our fallen heroes I’ve gone through on our behalf.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUt8bJSApL7/

This week for King and Country member Joel Smallbone posted: Luke and I have lived in the USA for a good portion of our lives..we married Americans..and have made a life here as a family. As I took that oath of allegiance and became a citizen of this land on May 18th, I sensed I had truly found ‘home’ and was increasingly aware of the duty and responsibility of a US citizen.. So it’s with a newfound pride and humble understanding of what so many men and women have sacrificed for our country that I say, Happy Memorial day. God bless America.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUsunEPgS6D/

Chris from the band Stars Go Dim had an unexpected detour in his plans this week. He posted from a hospital bed: Well this isn’t what I was expecting starting this week. I’m in Nashville writing for new Stars Go Dim material and came down with severe stomach pains. Looks like it might be my appendix. About to go into surgery. Would appreciate prayers. Thank you.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BUsSn12B3ii/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The Memorial Day Weekend box office was the lowest it’s been in 18 years. ***The only way it could’ve been worse is if all of the opening films starred Pauly Shore trying to make a comeback.

After being kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight this week, a passenger acting erratically tried to get back on board by running onto the aircraft. The Chicago-bound flight was scheduled to depart from Las Vegas when the man locked himself in the restroom and refused to come out. Eventually he was tossed, but another passenger says the “next thing you know, he tried to fight his way back on, and that’s when the Southwest guys came and got him.” ***And when that didn’t work they called over the United Airlines guys, because they know how to get the job done.

Estimates are that, during summer, 818 hot dogs are eaten every second. ***But enough about Rosie O’Donnell…

Tony Schwartz, the ghostwriter of President Trump’s most famous book, “The Art of the Deal,” says Trump is likely to resign rather than let any of his spiraling scandals make it seem like he might “lose.” Schwartz believes Trump will soon start trying to “figure out a way to resign” instead of potentially facing impeachment proceedings or enduring “continuing humiliation. He wants to figure out a way – as he’s done all his career – to turn a loss into a victory. And so he will declare victory when he leaves.” ***So if a month from now Trump suddenly declares, “I’ve done it – I’ve made America great again, so my job is done!” now you’ll know why.

Texas theater is getting flack for having a women-only showing of “Wonder Woman.” By the way, it’s sold out. ***Hey, isn’t gender a social construct? That’s what they’re telling us – so couldn’t the guys just show up and say, “today I identify as female” and get in anyway?

In January of this year, Emily Rudow of Toronto had just finished running a 10K (6.1 miles) every day for 31 consecutive days. It turns out she was just getting started. Emily is now undertaking a much bigger quest: to set a Guinness World Record by running a half-marathon for more consecutive days than anyone else. To do that she’ll run a half marathon a day for 70 days. ***And I’m exhausted just saying all of that. Give me a second to catch my breath.

Americans made 433 million fewer trips to restaurants at lunchtime last year, resulting in roughly $3.2 billion in lost business for restaurants. ***That’s because we had less money to spend. Thanks, Obama!

Members of a bizarre religious sect in North Carolina may be going to trial for allegedly trying to beat “homosexual demons” out of a now-former member. Matthew Fenner says that he joined Word of Faith Fellowship in Spindale, NC, with his mother and brother in 2010, but that he fled on Jan. 27, 2013, after he was attacked by two dozen members for two hours as he was leaving a prayer service. The Associated Press has interviewed 43 former members of the 750-member evangelical church, as well as reviewed documents and covertly made recordings, and reports that sinners are routinely “purified” by being punched, choked, and thrown to the floor as a means of expelling demons. ***Really? Can you show me in the Bible where expelling demons works like that? I’ve been a born-again Christian since 1989 and not once have I come across that passage. It’s cults like this that give true Christianity a bad name.

A female zookeeper was killed by a tiger at a zoo in Cambridge, England, on Monday. ***It all started with “Eenie, meenie, miney, moe… catch a tiger by the AAAARRRGGHH!!!!!”

A baby in Brazil has been compared to Stewie from Family Guy after she appeared to start walking minutes after she was born. Doctors were trying to bathe her, but she had other ideas and started to wriggle around to walk on her own! Normally, babies don’t start walking until they are about 12 months old. One of the nurses said, “Oh my gosh, the girl is walking. Good gracious.” A midwife said, “Merciful father. I was trying to wash her here and she keeps getting up to walk. She has walked from here to here.” There is video footage, believed to have been shot at Santa Cruz Hospital in Rio Grande do Sul, southern Brazil. ***Even babies know it’s a bad idea to stay in the hospital once the insurance runs out! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaySApIjol8

Australia is considering a ban on anyone coming to their country who is a convicted pedophile. ***Considering? Like there’s someone who would disapprove of that plan?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to a survey, classmates who have made it big are more likely to attend college reunions than those who haven’t. ***And now you know why I never went to my reunion.

Many Americans refuse to believe their bathroom scales, thinking they are thinner than they actually are. A “Harris Interactive / HealthDay” survey asked participants to provide their height and weight, and pollsters calculated their body mass index (BMI), a measurement used to indicate obesity. Those participating were then asked which weight category they fell into. According to HealthDay, 30 percent who were actually in the overweight category thought their weight was normal, while 70 percent who were obese believed they were simply overweight. And 39 percent of the morbidly obese classified themselves as being merely overweight. Experts are saying obesity may soon become the new norm. ***Well, what do you know – there’s a chance I might eventually be labeled “normal” after all.

According to a study, guppies experience menopause just like humans and other animals. ***But how do you get HOT FLASHES in a BOWL FULL OF 72 DEGREE WATER?

It may surprise you that the word “nice” does not have a nice background! In fact it comes from the Latin word nescius, which means ignorant. In addition to foolish and stupid, the word nice, in the English spoken in the Middle Ages, also meant wanton. By the 15th century it meant “coy.” A hundred years later it also meant “dainty.” And only in the 18th century does it finally mean agreeable. ***So now you can think of someone as an idiot and simply tell them to have a nice day!

Australian doctors are now charging patients a fee of up to $43 for being just 10 minutes late for appointments. ***I’m totally cool with this… so long as I can take $43 off the bill for every ten minutes I’m forced to sit waiting to see the doctor.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAYS EPISODE

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, after learning that her solo singing career had actually destroyed all of the harmony and cooperation in the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met up with some alligators who were harmonizing very well. In fact, they were cooperating very well not just to make good music, but to stay alive and on the good side of the Swamp Thing!

CLOSE: Sounds like Cheetah Bonita has learned her lesson about cooperation – but what about the rest of the jungle? There’s still an awful mess out there! How will she make things right? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A trip to pay a water bill turns into a terrible Moment of Duh!

While her mother went in to pay a water bill, 15-year-old Alexandria Moore of Lithonia Georgia decided to move the car. She ”moved” it up onto the curb sideswiping another vehicle and slamming into a Lexus which then slammed into another car. Apparently wanting to ”rewind” her experience she put the car into reverse scraping a concrete pole and backing into an SUV which then hit another car. Two of the six cars needed to be towed away. She was charged with reckless driving.

TOP TEN

MURPHY’S TOP TEN LAWS OF COMPUTING

10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

5. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

4. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

3. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

2. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

1. The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If robbing a store in order to get grocery money is a bad idea, robbing a store NEXT to the grocery store you’re planning on shopping at may not be the brightest idea either!

FILE #1: A woman from Indiana found herself in need of a medical prescription, but no money to buy it. So she and her boyfriend decided to rob the grocery store right next door to the pharmacy. The two then proceeded to go straight from robbing the grocery store to the pharmacy. There she gave her real name, address and telephone number to purchase her prescription. With this information the police were able to meet the bungling robbers just as they got home from the pharmacy. She obviously must have ran out her “thinking pills” before pulling this stunt!

FILE #2: With police in hot pursuit, armed Scottish robber Derek McFadden raced away from a bank near Glasgow with $4,000. Then, he made a law-abiding mistake—he stopped for a red light and was arrested immediately.

FILE #3: This kid in Medford, Oregon, either will learn from his mistake or end up on some list of the world’s dumbest criminals. He used a car jack to try to pry the garage door of a neighbor’s empty house. But, the door collapsed onto him. His mother saw his legs sticking out from under the garage door. She called 9-1-1 when she when couldn’t free him. The boy’s not hurt but he now faces trespassing charges.

STRANGE LAW: A Texas law requires that a criminal give the expected victim a 24 hour notice stating the crime to be committed. This can be orally or in writing.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Three miles per hour… and pulled over for drunk driving!

In Thompson Township, Ohio, a man was drunk when he tried to run down two law enforcement officers — while driving a 10-ton bulldozer. William Armstrong refused to stop as his Caterpillar excavator rumbled toward two law enforcement vehicles. Officers eventually persuaded Armstrong to stop the vehicle and gave him a breathalyzer test. His blood-alcohol level was .244 percent, more than three times the legal limit of 0.08.

PHONER PHUN

Today is National New Year’s Resolutions Recommitment Day. What were YOUR resolutions for the year? How are you doing with your New Year’s Resolutions? Do you need to recommit? WILL you recommit, or have you just given up entirely?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: After God had commanded Israel to wander in the wilderness for 40 years, some tried to go into the Promised Land. What happened to them?

ANSWER: The Amalekites and Canaanites fought them (Numbers 14:40-45)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In the movie, “The Wizard of Oz”, what is Dorothy’s last name?

ANSWER: Gail… it’s written on the mailbox.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Thomas Jefferson was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. (False – John Adams)

2. Even though Dr. Seuss wrote successful books for children, he never had any of his own. (True)

3. The 1996 Olympics was the last time gold medals were made entirely of gold. (False – 1912)

4. Kermit the Frog was named after Kermit Scott, a childhood friend of creator Jim Henson. (True)

5. An elephant’s tooth can weigh as much as two pounds. (False – it can be as heavy as twelve pounds!)

6. The true identity of Batman’s archenemy, the Penguin, was Oswald Cobblepot. (True)

7. It would take 517,578 dollar bills to cover a football field. (True)

8. Pablo Picasso often paid for things by check because people would keep the check for the value of his signature, thus allowing him to get things for free. (True)

9. There are 4,012 doors in the White House. (False – there are 412)

10. A dog by the name of Laika was launched into space aboard the Russian spacecraft Sputnik 2 in 1957. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

LEPRECHAUN TO FIGHT ______ (OBAMA)

On behalf of the Catholic church, the Leprechaun has challenged President Obama to a cage match!

The archdiocese of New York, headed by Cardinal Timothy Dolan, the archdiocese of Washington, D.C., headed by Cardinal Donald Wuerl, the University of Notre Dame, and 40 other Catholic dioceses and organizations around the country announced on Monday that they are suing the Obama administration for violating their freedom of religion, which is guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

The University of Notre Dame sent the Leprechaun to speak on behalf of the lawsuit and he immediately challenged Obama to a cage match as a way to settle the issue “like men.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

JOKE #2

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, “Who wears the pants in your family?”

“I do,” Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, “I also wash and iron them.”

JOKE #3

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.”

“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. “Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”

A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”

USELESS FACTS

Ozzy Osbourne loves a British cereal so much, that every month, he has a case of “Sugar Puffs” shipped to his L.A. home.  ***After hearing the guy talk, he may need to dial the sugar back a bit.

According to a recent survey, bullies are taking full advantage of the latest technology. Sixteen percent of young people say they have received a bullying message through their mobile phone or computer. ***”Hey, McFly! Send me your milk money through PayPal right now or I’m tagging a butt pic on Instagram with your name!”

FEATURED FUNNIES

SOFTWARE TRAINING

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.
When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. “I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
“Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CUSTOMER NO-SERVICE

Good customer service is hard to find these days! Just ask Niel Soley!

…The London man noticed a pipe had burst in his garden recently so he called the water company. Unable to get a “real person” on the phone, he did what he was told to do by the voice mail service, “Hang on, someone will be right with you.” 4 hours and 40 minutes later, a human picked up the phone and by that time, 5,000 gallons of water had filled his yard and flooded his home. ***MARLAR: So he called back to complain.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The Lord will decide between us. Perhaps the Lord will punish you for what you are trying to do to me, but I will never harm you.” –1 Samuel 24:12

One of the hardest lessons you may face in life is learning not to avenge yourself. In two separate instances with two different enemies, David demonstrated the importance of not taking revenge. In the cave at En-gedi, David could have killed Saul and been finished with running from him day and night. Instead, David opted against avenging Saul’s evil attempts to destroy him and swore that his hand would never touch Saul. In another instance in the Old Testament, Abigail intercepted David and persuaded him not to avenge himself upon Nabal. David thanked her for keeping him from shedding blood that day and preventing him from taking revenge with his own hands (1 Samuel 25:33). How easy it is to take matters into your own hands, even though God has said, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord? (Romans 12:19 KJV). The devil may have sent someone who is encouraging you to take matters into your own hands, but leave your vengeance in God’s hands. One day you will look up and the Sauls and Nabals in your life will disappear like stones shot from a sling! (1 Samuel 25:29). –Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

EARTHWORMS & FRUIT

READ: Job 37:14-19

Every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused. —1 Timothy 4:4

Have you ever wondered why God made a particular creature, like mosquitos or snakes? I’ve often wondered about earthworms. Why did God form such creepy crawlers?

Actually, worms have an indispensable function to fulfill. Amy Stuart, in her book The Earth Moved: On The Remarkable Achievements of Earthworms tells us that in an average acre of ground there are countless earthworms continually breaking up the soil. Their silent and invisible activity is absolutely essential—no worms, no vegetation.

What, then, can we learn from earthworms? Not only in nature but also in our lives there are invisible forces at work. There is the silent and unseen work of prayer by those who are concerned about our well-being. There is the work of our own spiritual discipline, as we pray and meditate on God’s Word. And there is the vital work of the Holy Spirit, breaking up the clogged soil of our souls and producing in us the Christlike fruit of “love, joy, peace, longsuffering . . .” (Galatians 5:22-23).

In our lives and in our world, God has ordained unseen influences that bear fruit. Whether it’s the lowly earthworm or the crown of God’s creation—the human race—there is so much more at work than meets the eye. —Vernon C Grounds

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.  —Alexander

God’s unseen work in our hearts produces fruit in our lives.

LEFTOVERS

MISS ME?

Ian Johnstone missed his girlfriend so much he flew back to Britain from Australia to propose to her.   But it didn’t work out quite the way he expected!

It sounds like something out of a cheesy commercial for an airline, but this time it really happened. A boyfriend decided to surprise his girlfriend by flying to another country to see her. Only problem was that his girlfriend had the exact same idea at the exact same time! Ian Johnstone flew from Australia to Britain… but Amy Dolby flew from Britain to Australia. Oops! Stranger still, Ian and Amy even managed to miss each other when they sat in the same airport lounge in Singapore at the same time to wait for connecting flights. Once they both figured out what happened, Ian called Amy (which happened to be at his apartment crying her eyes out), and asked her to marry him. According to her, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but she accepted. In the meantime, Amy was given a tour of Sydney by Ian’s friends before going home. Ian, however, had to stay in Britain for two weeks because he could not change his ticket. ***MARLAR: If these two are getting married, the first thing they need to work on is communication.

LIFE… LIVE IT

FATHER’S DAY IS COMING!

It turns out there’s a big disconnect between what women think men want for Fathers Day, and what those men actually want. A survey found 60% of women think their man would love a ticket to a sporting event, while only 36% of men pick that as their top choice.  Women also thought their man would love a power tool. Maybe not. So, what do men really want? Here it is: a smartphone or tablet. That was followed by a home cooked meal. The majority of men ranked those two as their top choices.

JUST FOR FUN

HOUSE FOR SALE?
A classified advertisement that ran in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch offered what seemed like a great deal on a house in a wealthy St. Louis suburban neighborhood. The ad read: “For sale by owner: 1201 South Warson Road. Open house May 24. Lavish two-story residence, all brick, renovated bathroom, theater/entertainment room, finished basement, intercom system, tennis court and indoor pool. $550,000/offer.” The great deal turned out to be a high school senior’s prank. The house up for sale was Ladue Horton Watkins High School. And the open house date was the last day of classes for seniors. Brad Heger, assistant principal at the school, found out about the ad when he was bombarded with at least a dozen calls from prospective buyers. Heger took the prank in stride, saying he wouldn’t punish the student responsible for the ad and said it was one of the better senior pranks he has seen. His only problem with the ad was that the “house” seemed way under-priced.

FUN LIST

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

  • On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink’ at the bottom.

  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’

  • Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ while continually pushing buttons.

  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.’

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Hey, Mom and Dad… you know you’re important to the life and well-being of your teenager.  Right?

Mothers—and fathers—can have a profound effect on civil society by helping to mold the next generation into healthy, well-adjusted adults.   Mothers’ involvement has been shown to influence a broad range of outcomes for adolescents. For example, teens whose parents are present when they wake up, come home from school, and go to bed are less likely to experience emotional distress, and those whose parents are more involved in their lives tend to have higher levels of self-esteem and self-control. Teens with greater parental involvement in their schooling are also more likely to graduate from high school and achieve higher levels of education. Finally, mothers’ investment in and communication with their children has been shown to have significant impact regarding risky behaviors ranging from sexual behavior to substance abuse.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Zachary Brey, from Boy Scout Troop 333, donated bedding to the Tifton Fire Department for his Eagle Scout project on May 20. He donated enough pillows, sheets, mattress covers and comforters to replace all of the current bedding at the three manned fire stations. He chose this as his Eagle Scout project because he said firefighters “risk their lives for us, so I wanted to make sure they could get good sleep.”

http://bit.ly/2r523YB

A study released early this year revealed that while 70 percent of Americans claim to be Christian, only 10 percent of Americans hold a biblical worldview as reflected in their lifestyle, indicating the extent of biblical illiteracy in the church today. The study, conducted by the American Culture and Faith Institute, also found that 46 percent of adults of the general public claim to have a biblical worldview but their behavior and lifestyle do not reflect such worldview.

http://www.gospelherald.com/articles/70698/20170529/many-professing-christians-know-little-biblehere-five-ways-churches-address.htm

One Florida man has taken it upon himself to help restore a Tampa graveyard and its veterans’ headstones. Though he has never served in the military, Andrew Lumish, 46, spends his little free time scrubbing and cleaning soldiers’ gravestones — some dating back to the Civil War — in the L’Unione Italiana Cemetery. Known as “The Good Cemeterian,” Lumish found the headstones while pursuing his passion for photography. He thought they were beautiful but was bothered by the amount of dirt, mold and mildew that had overtaken them.

http://nbcnews.to/2rP9SCG

President Trump’s 2018 budget proposal would withhold all federal funds from abortion-provider Planned Parenthood. Office of Management and Budget (OMB) Director Mick Mulvaney told the media on Monday that the new budget would defund the abortion business, but only if the new Republican healthcare legislation passed recently by the House is also passed by the Senate and signed into law.

http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=21455

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Why is it that they sell lemon juice with artificial ingredients… yet lemon floor polish is made with real lemon juice? What’s that all about? I want real lemon for my iced tea… so now I drink it with a twist of Mop ‘n Glow.”

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MAY 26, 2017…

Baywatch—Oh, and the TV series had to be remade. Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) stars as the head bodyguard in this film of muscles and bathing suits. Zac Efron is the new life guard with an attitude, and there are girls galore. Crime? It’s there, somewhere on the beach, with sand, umbrellas. sun tan lotion and beach towels. “Baywatch” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are. Not all of us can afford the beach. (see below)

Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales–The usual cast of Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Geoffrey Rush, etc. Even though they may be 6 fathoms under, they still come back to the ship and then shore. Sure to appease fans who can’t afford the beach (see above) whereas “Baywatch” is about live people, “Pirates” concerns some deceased. Sigh. “Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” is rated PG-13. Rating of 2 for fans and, as with above, you know who you are.

Drone—Sean Bean is a loner drone guy who does his work and quietly comes home. Someone is out to get him and thinks he caused the death of family (shades of Helen Mirren and ”Eye in the Sky“). “Drone” is rated R. No rating.

JUNE 02, 2017…

Wonder Woman has Gal Gadot in the title role and she can fight anyone.

Captain Underpants 1st Epic Movie is an animated film from the children’s books by Dav Pilkey. Voice of Ed Helms.

Churchill with Brian Cox in the role of Churchill during WWII.

Band Aid is about a young couple who quarrel and then write songs about their fights. Stars Brooklyn Decker.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.