June 01, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180601
PDF: 20180601

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Please stop asking me if I’m on Snapchat.  I work in radio – I can’t possibly speak into a microphone and keep it under ten seconds unless my job depends on it.

I told my doctor yesterday that when I close my eyes I keep seeing Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and Goofy. He said not to worry—I’m just suffering from Disney spells.

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is dedicated to our graduating seniors. I’ll never forget the thrill of accepting my diploma and looking out at the faces of those who made it all possible: my mother, my father… my truant officer…

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I never saw a pessimistic general win a battle.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” –James 3:17-18 New International Version

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. — James 1:19

O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. — Isaiah 25:1

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Cast all your anxiety on him [God] because he cares for you. — 1 Peter 5:7

Thought: Isn’t it absolutely incredible that the God who made the universe cares about us and our needs, hurts, and fears! So let’s trust that he will do what is best for us and show it by living for him!

Prayer: Loving Father and Almighty God, I consciously place all of my anxieties, worries, cares, and frustrations in your hands. I will do my best to not dwell on them and trust that you will do what is best for me and those I love. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Isaiah 6:1 NIV = …I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 01, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
206 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS RECOMMITMENT DAY. ***That’s right, you get another chance this year to feel like a complete failure.

Today is UNIVERSAL OPPOSITES DAY. Just do the exact opposite of what you ordinarily would do today. ***What’s the opposite of recommitting to my New Year’s resolutions? Whatever it is, I think I’ll do that.

This is NATIONAL BATHROOM READING WEEK. ***This is mostly for the women listening… because for the guys, it’s always Bathroom Reading Week.

This was INTERNATIONAL VOLUNTEERS WEEK. ***But all celebrations were cancelled, as they didn’t have enough volunteers to organize the event.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Doughnut Day or Donut Day

Global Day of Parents
Heimlich Maneuver Day
Horseradish Days
Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day
National Dare Day
National Nailpolish Day
National Go Barefoot Day
National Olive Day
National Pen Pal Day
Oscar The Grouch Day
Say Something Nice Day
Stand For Children Day
Superman’s Birthday

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, JUNE 02

Artichoke Day
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
National Black Bear Day
National Bubba Day
National Bubbly Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
National Prairie Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 03

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day
Chimborazo Day
National Cancer Survivors Day
Wonder Woman Day

MONDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National SAFE Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
Old Maid’s Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Beer Pong Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
Work@Home Father’s Day
World Environment Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 06

Atheists Pride Day
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
Global Running Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
National Tailors Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 07

(Daniel) Boone Day
VCR Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 08

Banana Split Days
Ghostbusters Day
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Poultry Days
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 09

Belmont Stakes
Companies That Care Day
Donald Duck Day (Birthday)
Family Fitness and Health Day
International Archives Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Earl Baltes Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day

World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
World Gin Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Children’s Sunday
Iced Tea Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Race Unity Day

MONDAY, JUNE 11

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

ON THIS DAY

1880: The first pay phone was installed in the Yale Bank Building in New Haven, Connecticut.

1926: Actress Marilyn Monroe was born in Los Angeles. On her birthday in 1995 the U.S. Postal Service honored the late actress with a 32-cent stamp.

1935: The Ingersoll-Waterbury Company reported its two-year association with Walt Disney had produced 2.5 million Mickey Mouse watches.

1938: Superman first appeared in Action Comics. His creator, Toronto artist Joe Shuster, sold his rights to the character for $130. Superman’s origin was inspired by the biblical story of Moses, whose parents abandoned him as a baby to save his life. ***Clark Kent has been working at The Daily Planet since 1938, and yet the in-depth reporters there still aren’t suspicious? (audio clip)

1954: In the “Peanuts” comic strip, Linus’ security blanket debuted. (audio clip)

1964: The day following her graduation from high school, Dolly Parton moved from Sevierville, Tennessee, to Nashville. That same day she met her future husband, Carl Dean, who ran a Nashville asphalt-paving business.

1967: The Beatles released the album, “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.”

1969: John Lennon and Yoko Ono recorded “Give Peace a Chance” with Derek Taylor, Murray the K, Tommy and Dick Smothers, and Timothy Leary.

1980: Cable News Network debuted as the first all-news television network. (audio clip)

1985: Weird Al Yankovic released “Dare to Be Stupid,” an album featuring the title song, plus “Like a Surgeon,” “I Want a New Duck,” “George of the Jungle,” and “Yoda.”

1991: Students in Almelo, Netherlands, completed the world’s largest jigsaw puzzle: 204,484 pieces. They finished the 1,036-square-foot puzzle in eight days.

1993: Connie Chung joined Dan Rather to co-anchor “The CBS Evening News.” She was dropped two years later.

1994: With police in hot pursuit, armed Scottish robber Derek McFadden raced away from a bank near Glasgow with $4,000. Then, he made a law-abiding mistake—he stopped for a red light and was arrested immediately.

1997: A feature of Chicago’s BookExpo America was Imre Somogyi, the world’s first toe reader. He was promoting his book ‘Reading Toes: Your Feet As Reflections of Your Personality.”

1997: Singer Kenny Rogers and Wanda Miller were married. It was Rogers’ 5th marriage.

1997: The Broadway show Titanic won five Tony Awards, including best musical.

2002: Sixteen skydivers set a new world record by jumping simultaneously from a hot air balloon over Peterborough, England, and landing safely on 6,000 rolls of the event sponsor’s toilet tissue. The participants, all pro skydivers, jumped from 10,000 feet.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

165 AD: Justin, an early Christian apologist, is beheaded with his disciples for their faith. “If we are punished for the sake of our Lord Jesus Christ, we hope to be saved,” he said just before his death. Christians soon named him Justin Martyr.

1843: Isabella Baumfree, having received a vision of God telling her to “travel up an’ down the land showin’ the people their sins an’ bein’ a sign unto them,” leaves New York and changes her name to Sojourner Truth. She became one of the most famous abolitionists and women’s rights lecturers in American history.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress/comedian (Train Wreck) Amy Schumer, 37

  • actress (“The Walking Dead”, “Prison Break”, “Colony”) Sarah Wayne Callies, 41

  • model-actress (“Project Runway,” The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, Ella Enchanted) Heidi Klum 45

  • Actress (Meet The Parents, “The Fosters”) Teri Polo, 49

  • Actor/comedian (“Hanging With Mr. Cooper”) Mark Curry, 57

  • actress (Ciji Dunne on “Knots Landing,” married to Country singer Clint Black) Lisa Hartman Black 62 (audio clip)

  • actor (Vice President Noah Daniels on TV’s “24,” Cy Tolliver on HBO’s “Deadwood,” Senator Roark in Sin City) Powers Booth 67 (audio clip)

  • actor (Governor Weatherby Swann in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Haunted Honeymoon, Something Wicked This Way Comes) Jonathan Pryce 71

  • actor (Evan Almighty, Bruce Almighty, Batman Begins, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Kiss The Girls, Se7en) Morgan Freeman 81

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1915 : Johnny Bond

1921 : Nelson Riddle

1934 : Pat Boone

1945 : Linda Scott

1947 : Ron Wood (guitarist for The Faces and The Rolling Stones)

1950 : Charlene

1950 : Tom Robinson (Cafe Society)

1950 : Graham Russell (Air Supply)

1952 : John Ellis (The Vibrators)

1953 : Ronnie Dunn (Brooks & Dunn)

1958 : Barry Adamson (Magazine)

1959 : Alan Wilder (Depeche Mode)

1960 : Simon Gallup (The Cure)

1963 : Mike Joyce (The Smiths)

1967 : Roger Sanchez

1968 : Jason Donovan

1974 : Alanis Morissette

1996 : Damon Minchella (Ocean Colour Scene)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

So the myth that one dog year is equivalent to 7 human years is just that – a myth?

According to pet expert Dr. Jeffrey Werber, that dog-years formula is only accurate in the middle of a pet’s life span. Elsewhere, the first year of a pet’s life is equal to about 15 years; the second year is equal to about 10 years, and every year thereafter is equal to between 4 and 8 human years, depending on the breed and size of your pet. Plus, just because a dog is wagging his tail doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s friendly. While dogs often express their happiness and affection with a wagging tail, they also wag their tails when they are excited, ready to fight, tense, anxious and annoyed. ***MARLAR: Kind of like what (OTHER JOCK) does whenever he’s called into the manager’s office.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

One day a security screening could include analyzing the way you walk. Researchers looked at the walking patterns of over 120 people say artificial intelligence has been created that can identify you simply by watching you stroll. In theory, analyzing your walking style could replace fingerprints or retinal scans for security screening. ***But then the TSA is still going to force you to take off your shoes, so it’ll screw up your normal walk anyway.

A recent study examining 125-million-year-old fossils discovered in China reveals that dinosaurs had a condition common to humans: Their skin would flake off, creating tiny dandruff specks.  ***So I apparently have something in common with the Psoriasarous Rex.

A Nebraska man’s chocolate craving landed him behind bars. Police (in Grand Island) responded to an alarm call Saturday afternoon at a Dairy Queen where officers said they found 18-year-old Joseph Lewandowski hiding with a bag of crushed Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Police said Lewandowski admitted to using a screwdriver, which he was found with, to break into a freezer to steal the ice cream topping.  ***I would pounce on this if I worked in the Reese’s advertising department.  “Reeses Peanut Butter Cups – so irresistible you’ll go to jail for them!”

An air traveler is in trouble after he allegedly urinated on a seat during a recent Frontier Airlines flight.  ***Well, he wanted to go to the bathroom before getting onboard, but for some reason Starbucks wasn’t open at the time.

The CIA reports that North Korea isn’t willing to get rid of their nuclear weapons, but they may consider opening a “western hamburger franchise” in their capital city.  ***It’s kinda hard to determine which one is more dangerous.

Sweden’s newest beer is made using recycled sewage water.  ***And you thought the my news yesterday about cockroach milk was discussing.

Because they have to, the United States Geological Survey is warning Hawaii residents not to heat marshmallows over the hot lava flows.  ***What?  And let those hot lava flows go to waste?!?  Is it still okay if they fry Spam on it?

Pokemon Quest is the new game heading to phones and Nintendo Switch.  ***Cities are already bracing for a surge at local hospitals in people-walking-into-lightpoles injuries.

By the way, Roseanne is now blaming Ambien for her Twitter comments. ***Does anybody else see anywhere where Ambien claims one of the possible side-effects is outspoken racism?  I’m not seeing that listed on the bottle.

Hillary Clinton says she would like to be the CEO of Facebook. ***She’s even willing to do the hosting on a server in her bathroom.

Some die-hard Houston Rocket fans are blaming Ted Cruz for their Monday night loss to Golden State. He was at the game.  ***Someone has been reading Hillary Clinton’s new book and realizing it’s possible to blame everyone else but yourself for losing.

Louisiana televangelist Jesse Duplantis is telling his followers that Jesus told him he needs a new $54 million jet.  ***Totally something God would say. <sarcasm>  Although he may have a point – you can’t help but feel you’re being manipulated by evil people when flying coach.

Brody Jenner will be walking down the aisle soon but a few family members will not be attending his Bali wedding to fiancée Kaitlynn (with a K) Carter. He invited Kendall and Kylie Jenner, but never heard back from either of them. His dad, Caitlyn (with a C), said he/she won’t be able to attend because of a lucrative business opportunity.  ***Let’s hope Brody’s fiancée doesn’t take his last name – that would mean yet another Caitlyn Jenner in the world – and we already have one too many.

Months of talks between Jared Kushner and Kim Kardashian resulted in an Oval Office meeting with President Trump to talk prison reform on Wednesday.  ***First up on the agenda, create new prison inmate uniforms so they all look fabulous!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(PERENNIAL) Estimates are that, during summer, 818 hot dogs are eaten every second. ***But enough about (Rosie O’Donnell…)

Buildings of all kinds — homes, offices, cafes, schools — are being constructed out of recycled shipping containers. According to David Cross, co-founder of SG blocks, a company specializing in container construction, the energy used to construct a container home is about 95 percent less than the energy used to melt (discard) the container. Yet they’re not just for the environmentally conscious! Container homes are typically cheaper and faster to build than traditionally constructed homes. And because they’re made from steel, they’re also extremely durable. ***Spending a hot summer day in a big metal box; yeah, that’s my idea of home.

A British man met and married a woman after dreamt of her phone number and then sent her a text message. After dreaming of her number the man texted: “Did I meet you last night?” His random recipient was confused but decided to reply and the two began exchanging messages. Eventually they met and fell in love. *** “You don’t know me, but I dreamed of you last night – and I have your phone number…” Well that’s not creepy at all.

Now there’s an online dating app that matches people by their credit scores. ***That’s got to be an exciting dating profile. “I’m looking for a man who’s passions include classical music, moonlit walks on the beach, and paying off his credit card every month…”

Close the book. Turn off the TV. You need to go to bed, turn off the light and sleep. Losing sleep does more than make you foggy the next day. It can cause a permanent loss of brain cells. And not just a few. A consistent lack of sleep can result in the irreversible loss of as much as 25 percent of brain cells, according to researchers at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and collaborators from Peking University. The study found that regularly getting the proper amount of sleep is critically important to your continued good health. And while you can get away with occasionally staying up too late, doing this repeatedly will take its toll with irreversible damage. And sleeping long hours on the weekend won’t fix it. ***Well… this explains just about everything you’d ever want to know about me.

Another reason to drink coffee. That morning cup of java or lunchtime soda might serve a purpose beyond giving you a jolt of energy. According to a new study by researchers at Johns Hopkins University, caffeine enhances memory. ***In other news, that morning cup of java or lunchtime soda might serve a purpose beyond giving you a jolt of energy. According to a new study by researchers at…. wait a minute… this sounds familiar…

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita was tossed into jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. When Gruffy stepped up and said that he gave her the racquet, he was tossed in jail too! All of this because Racquet the Skunk was making defective racquets to try and get rich!

CLOSE: So now everybody is in jail, Rita can’t play badminton, and the tournament is over because the officials are too busy locking people up to officiate the games! And now they’re planning a prison break?!? How much worse can this story get? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A trip to pay a water bill turns into a terrible Moment of Duh!

While her mother went in to pay a water bill, 15-year-old Alexandria Moore of Lithonia Georgia decided to move the car. She ”moved” it up onto the curb sideswiping another vehicle and slamming into a Lexus which then slammed into another car. Apparently wanting to ”rewind” her experience she put the car into reverse scraping a concrete pole and backing into an SUV which then hit another car. Two of the six cars needed to be towed away. She was charged with reckless driving.

TOP TEN

MURPHY’S TOP TEN LAWS OF COMPUTING

10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

5. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

4. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

3. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

2. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

1. The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If robbing a store in order to get grocery money is a bad idea, robbing a store NEXT to the grocery store you’re planning on shopping at may not be the brightest idea either!

FILE #1: A woman from Indiana found herself in need of a medical prescription, but no money to buy it. So she and her boyfriend decided to rob the grocery store right next door to the pharmacy. The two then proceeded to go straight from robbing the grocery store to the pharmacy. There she gave her real name, address and telephone number to purchase her prescription. With this information the police were able to meet the bungling robbers just as they got home from the pharmacy. She obviously must have ran out her “thinking pills” before pulling this stunt!

FILE #2: With police in hot pursuit, armed Scottish robber Derek McFadden raced away from a bank near Glasgow with $4,000. Then, he made a law-abiding mistake—he stopped for a red light and was arrested immediately.

FILE #3: This kid in Medford, Oregon, either will learn from his mistake or end up on some list of the world’s dumbest criminals. He used a car jack to try to pry the garage door of a neighbor’s empty house. But, the door collapsed onto him. His mother saw his legs sticking out from under the garage door. She called 9-1-1 when she when couldn’t free him. The boy’s not hurt but he now faces trespassing charges.

STRANGE LAW: A Texas law requires that a criminal give the expected victim a 24 hour notice stating the crime to be committed. This can be orally or in writing.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Three miles per hour… and pulled over for drunk driving!

In Thompson Township, Ohio, a man was drunk when he tried to run down two law enforcement officers — while driving a 10-ton bulldozer. William Armstrong refused to stop as his Caterpillar excavator rumbled toward two law enforcement vehicles. Officers eventually persuaded Armstrong to stop the vehicle and gave him a breathalyzer test. His blood-alcohol level was .244 percent, more than three times the legal limit of 0.08.

PHONER PHUN

Today is National New Year’s Resolutions Recommitment Day. What were YOUR resolutions for the year? How are you doing with your New Year’s Resolutions? Do you need to recommit? WILL you recommit, or have you just given up entirely?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: After God had commanded Israel to wander in the wilderness for 40 years, some tried to go into the Promised Land. What happened to them?

ANSWER: The Amalekites and Canaanites fought them (Numbers 14:40-45)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In the movie, “The Wizard of Oz”, what is Dorothy’s last name?

ANSWER: Gail… it’s written on the mailbox.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Thomas Jefferson was the first President to display fireworks at the White House. (False – John Adams)

2. Even though Dr. Seuss wrote successful books for children, he never had any of his own. (True)

3. The 1996 Olympics was the last time gold medals were made entirely of gold. (False – 1912)

4. Kermit the Frog was named after Kermit Scott, a childhood friend of creator Jim Henson. (True)

5. An elephant’s tooth can weigh as much as two pounds. (False – it can be as heavy as twelve pounds!)

6. The true identity of Batman’s archenemy, the Penguin, was Oswald Cobblepot. (True)

7. It would take 517,578 dollar bills to cover a football field. (True)

8. Pablo Picasso often paid for things by check because people would keep the check for the value of his signature, thus allowing him to get things for free. (True)

9. There are 4,012 doors in the White House. (False – there are 412)

10. A dog by the name of Laika was launched into space aboard the Russian spacecraft Sputnik 2 in 1957. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

LEPRECHAUN TO FIGHT ______ (OBAMA)

On behalf of the Catholic church, the Leprechaun has challenged President Obama to a cage match!

The archdiocese of New York, headed by Cardinal Timothy Dolan, the archdiocese of Washington, D.C., headed by Cardinal Donald Wuerl, the University of Notre Dame, and 40 other Catholic dioceses and organizations around the country announced on Monday that they are suing the Obama administration for violating their freedom of religion, which is guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

The University of Notre Dame sent the Leprechaun to speak on behalf of the lawsuit and he immediately challenged Obama to a cage match as a way to settle the issue “like men.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

JOKE #2

Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.

Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, “Who wears the pants in your family?”

“I do,” Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, “I also wash and iron them.”

JOKE #3

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: “First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.”

“Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you. “Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated…”

A voice from the audience cut in: “Well, there go the rest of us!”

USELESS FACTS

Ozzy Osbourne loves a British cereal so much, that every month, he has a case of “Sugar Puffs” shipped to his L.A. home.  ***After hearing the guy talk, he may need to dial the sugar back a bit.

According to a recent survey, bullies are taking full advantage of the latest technology. Sixteen percent of young people say they have received a bullying message through their mobile phone or computer. ***”Hey, McFly! Send me your milk money through PayPal right now or I’m tagging a butt pic on Instagram with your name!”

FEATURED FUNNIES

SOFTWARE TRAINING

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.
When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. “I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
“Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CUSTOMER NO-SERVICE

Good customer service is hard to find these days! Just ask Niel Soley!

…The London man noticed a pipe had burst in his garden recently so he called the water company. Unable to get a “real person” on the phone, he did what he was told to do by the voice mail service, “Hang on, someone will be right with you.” 4 hours and 40 minutes later, a human picked up the phone and by that time, 5,000 gallons of water had filled his yard and flooded his home. ***MARLAR: So he called back to complain.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The Lord will decide between us. Perhaps the Lord will punish you for what you are trying to do to me, but I will never harm you.” –1 Samuel 24:12

One of the hardest lessons you may face in life is learning not to avenge yourself. In two separate instances with two different enemies, David demonstrated the importance of not taking revenge. In the cave at En-gedi, David could have killed Saul and been finished with running from him day and night. Instead, David opted against avenging Saul’s evil attempts to destroy him and swore that his hand would never touch Saul. In another instance in the Old Testament, Abigail intercepted David and persuaded him not to avenge himself upon Nabal. David thanked her for keeping him from shedding blood that day and preventing him from taking revenge with his own hands (1 Samuel 25:33). How easy it is to take matters into your own hands, even though God has said, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord? (Romans 12:19 KJV). The devil may have sent someone who is encouraging you to take matters into your own hands, but leave your vengeance in God’s hands. One day you will look up and the Sauls and Nabals in your life will disappear like stones shot from a sling! (1 Samuel 25:29). –Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

EARTHWORMS & FRUIT

READ: Job 37:14-19

Every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused. —1 Timothy 4:4

Have you ever wondered why God made a particular creature, like mosquitos or snakes? I’ve often wondered about earthworms. Why did God form such creepy crawlers?

Actually, worms have an indispensable function to fulfill. Amy Stuart, in her book The Earth Moved: On The Remarkable Achievements of Earthworms tells us that in an average acre of ground there are countless earthworms continually breaking up the soil. Their silent and invisible activity is absolutely essential—no worms, no vegetation.

What, then, can we learn from earthworms? Not only in nature but also in our lives there are invisible forces at work. There is the silent and unseen work of prayer by those who are concerned about our well-being. There is the work of our own spiritual discipline, as we pray and meditate on God’s Word. And there is the vital work of the Holy Spirit, breaking up the clogged soil of our souls and producing in us the Christlike fruit of “love, joy, peace, longsuffering . . .” (Galatians 5:22-23).

In our lives and in our world, God has ordained unseen influences that bear fruit. Whether it’s the lowly earthworm or the crown of God’s creation—the human race—there is so much more at work than meets the eye. —Vernon C Grounds

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.  —Alexander

God’s unseen work in our hearts produces fruit in our lives.

LEFTOVERS

MISS ME?

Ian Johnstone missed his girlfriend so much he flew back to Britain from Australia to propose to her.   But it didn’t work out quite the way he expected!

It sounds like something out of a cheesy commercial for an airline, but this time it really happened. A boyfriend decided to surprise his girlfriend by flying to another country to see her. Only problem was that his girlfriend had the exact same idea at the exact same time! Ian Johnstone flew from Australia to Britain… but Amy Dolby flew from Britain to Australia. Oops! Stranger still, Ian and Amy even managed to miss each other when they sat in the same airport lounge in Singapore at the same time to wait for connecting flights. Once they both figured out what happened, Ian called Amy (which happened to be at his apartment crying her eyes out), and asked her to marry him. According to her, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but she accepted. In the meantime, Amy was given a tour of Sydney by Ian’s friends before going home. Ian, however, had to stay in Britain for two weeks because he could not change his ticket. ***MARLAR: If these two are getting married, the first thing they need to work on is communication.

LIFE… LIVE IT

FATHER’S DAY IS COMING!

It turns out there’s a big disconnect between what women think men want for Fathers Day, and what those men actually want. A survey found 60% of women think their man would love a ticket to a sporting event, while only 36% of men pick that as their top choice.  Women also thought their man would love a power tool. Maybe not. So, what do men really want? Here it is: a smartphone or tablet. That was followed by a home cooked meal. The majority of men ranked those two as their top choices.

JUST FOR FUN

HOUSE FOR SALE?
A classified advertisement that ran in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch offered what seemed like a great deal on a house in a wealthy St. Louis suburban neighborhood. The ad read: “For sale by owner: 1201 South Warson Road. Open house May 24. Lavish two-story residence, all brick, renovated bathroom, theater/entertainment room, finished basement, intercom system, tennis court and indoor pool. $550,000/offer.” The great deal turned out to be a high school senior’s prank. The house up for sale was Ladue Horton Watkins High School. And the open house date was the last day of classes for seniors. Brad Heger, assistant principal at the school, found out about the ad when he was bombarded with at least a dozen calls from prospective buyers. Heger took the prank in stride, saying he wouldn’t punish the student responsible for the ad and said it was one of the better senior pranks he has seen. His only problem with the ad was that the “house” seemed way under-priced.

FUN LIST

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

  • On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink’ at the bottom.

  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’

  • Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ while continually pushing buttons.

  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.’

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Hey, Mom and Dad… you know you’re important to the life and well-being of your teenager.  Right?

Mothers—and fathers—can have a profound effect on civil society by helping to mold the next generation into healthy, well-adjusted adults.   Mothers’ involvement has been shown to influence a broad range of outcomes for adolescents. For example, teens whose parents are present when they wake up, come home from school, and go to bed are less likely to experience emotional distress, and those whose parents are more involved in their lives tend to have higher levels of self-esteem and self-control. Teens with greater parental involvement in their schooling are also more likely to graduate from high school and achieve higher levels of education. Finally, mothers’ investment in and communication with their children has been shown to have significant impact regarding risky behaviors ranging from sexual behavior to substance abuse.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Most of us love to be connected and surrounded by friends, but sometimes being pulled in a hundred different directions makes you forget about the interests you would pursue if you were by yourself. If you feel this way, you are not alone – but you may need to be alone.

There are a 10 tips to help you love, and long for, your alone time.

1) Know the Difference between Loneliness, Being Alone and Quality Alone Time

2) Take Space to “Space Out”

3) Make it a Want Even if it is a Need

4) Stop Judging Yourself

5) Focus on your Own Experience

6) Trust that Others May also be Alone

7) Create Mini Vacations in Mundane Activities

8) Talk to Yourself

9) Don’t Expect Too Much and Stick With It

10) Become More Sociable

See each tip in detail at http://darrenmarlar.com?p=21062

Redheads, beware of the sun! The red hair pigment can put redheads at a far higher risk of developing melanoma, the most dangerous form of skin cancer — even if they don’t spend a lot of time in the sun, reports HealthDay News of research from Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. Led by Dr. David Fisher, the team found a link between the red hair pigment, called pheomelanin, and melanoma. But why does the creation of pheomelanin in the body increase the risk of deadly skin cancer? The short answer: Pheomelanin appears to leave skin cells more vulnerable to DNA damage. Even though deadly melanoma can be triggered without sun damage, everyone — especially redheads — should avoid sun exposure as much as possible and get regular full-body checks by a dermatologist.

Which is better for breakfast: oatmeal or cold cereal? The answer is unequivocally oatmeal. It will not only leave you feeling more satisfied and full than an oat-based, ready-to-eat cereal, but also help you to eat less at lunch, according to researchers from Louisiana State University and the Pennington Biomedical Research Center, both of which are located in Baton Rouge. During the research project, those who consumed the oatmeal four hours after eating reported greater feelings of fullness, as well as decreased feelings of hunger and desire to eat. Eating less later in the day translates into fewer calories — and a lower number on the bathroom scale. Why? Oatmeal has more soluble oat fiber than cold cereal, which is a more satiating fiber. Plus, oatmeal is one of the top foods you can eat to naturally help lower your LDL “bad” cholesterol. The soluble fiber can reduce the absorption of cholesterol into your bloodstream, according to the Mayo Clinic.

It’s not only your anniversary he may forget, but also a lot of other things. Men tend to be more forgetful than women, reports of a Norwegian study. More than anything else, one activity helps improve your memory — so much so that when you do it, the area of the brain involved in memory actually grows in size. “It was surprising to see that men forget more than women. This has not been documented before,” Jostein Holmen, a professor with the Norwegian University of Science and Technology in Trondheim, said in a statement released by the university. “It was also surprising to see that men are just as forgetful whether they are 30 or 60 years old. The results were unambiguous.”  ***In other news: It’s not only your anniversary he may forget, but also a lot of other things. Men tend to be more forgetful than women, reports of a Norwegian study. More than anything else, one activity helps improve your memory — so much so that when you do it, the area of the brain involved in memory actually grows in size. “It was surprising to see that men forget more than women. This has not been documented before,” Jostein Holmen, a professor with the Norwegian University of Science and Technology in Trondheim, said in a statement released by the university. “It was also surprising to see that men are just as forgetful whether they are 30 or 60 years old. The results were unambiguous.”

Feeling stressed? Look out the nearest window. Research from the University of Washington concludes that looking at nature out of a window is far more soothing than watching television. There’s just one catch. It has to be a view of nature. If your window view isn’t trees gently swaying in the breeze or butterflies dancing in brightly colored flowers but instead a cityscape with busses belching dark fumes, this won’t work for you. It’s only when people spent looking out the window at the natural scene, the more their heart rates tended to decrease.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Kuwait, female TV news anchor Basima al-Shammar has been suspended by the Ministry of Information because she jokingly called a male correspondent “handsome” during a live TV broadcast. In a video that has since gone viral, Al-Shammar can be heard telling her male colleague, who didn’t know he was on the air and still adjusting his traditional headgear, that he didn’t need to fix his looks because he was already handsome. While here in the west, this would have passed as a simple compliment, in Kuwait, it was perceived as flirtation from a woman which just isn’t allowed! “Nawaf, you don’t need to adjust your ghutra, you’re handsome as is,” was the phrase that will probably end up costing Basima al-Shammar her job. Even after hearing her explanation, the Ministry of Information suspended her and actually launched an investigation to establish whether she was flirting.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Why is it that they sell lemon juice with artificial ingredients… yet lemon floor polish is made with real lemon juice? What’s that all about? I want real lemon for my iced tea… so now I drink it with a twist of Mop ‘n Glow.”

It’s easy to get a beach body if you aim for the kind that washes ashore. – Mark Merchant

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 01, 2018…

Action Point—So you own a broken down amusement park and live on the edge. What can go wrong? This is the life of owner Johnny Knoxville (the “Jackass” films) as he tries to figure out ways is to stay in business. Expect pratfalls and humor as in the old vaudeville days, plus…how in the world did they do those stunts? “Action Point” is rated R. No rating.

American Animals—This rather dark comedy concerns college students who want to steal precious art objects. What is with stealing these days? “Ocean’s 8” opens next week and that’s about a robbery, too. Anyway, this film is set in 2004 and the people are after rare books from a library in Kentucky. Based on a real life event and Evan Peters stars as the real Warren Lipka.  Cast includes  Blake Jenner and Jared Abrahamson. “American Animals” is rated R. No rating.

Adrift—Ready for a survival film?  This one is about what happens after a major hurricane and two people are lost at sea. The couple are Shailene  Woodley and Sam Clafin at a loss. Well there is always the salt water to contend with, plus plenty of wind, and anything else you can think of. Unfortunately, with the major storms happening each year of late, one must be aware on the water. “Adrift” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for boating fans.

A Kid Like Jake—Adapted from the stage play by Daniel Pearle, this story is about a couple (Claire Danes and Jim Parsons) who discover they have a gender-changing child. What to do?  Acceptance or non-acceptance, conform or non-conforming are the issues within the story. Also in in the cast is Leo James Davis. “A Kid Like Jake” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Upgrade—A science fiction film, this story is about a man (Logan Marshall-Green) who can’t walk, but is given this ability through an implant. What happens then? Not celebrate, as he goes after the people who killed his family and thought he was dead. Revenge. Also in the cast is Betty Gabriel. “Upgrade” is rated PG 13. No rating.

JUNE 08, 2018…

Ocean’s 8 is a remake of the”Oceans” films with George Clooney.  This time, the ladies take on the heist. Stars Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor is a documentary on the life of the television favorite, “Mr. Rogers.” Much missed.

Hotel Artemis concerns criminals who come to a certain place for medical attention. Set in a future Los Angeles. Stars Charlie Day and Jodie Foster.

Hereditary is a horror film starring Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Disintegration of a family.

Hearts Beat Loud has Nick Offerman starting a band with his family.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.