June 02, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is being broadcast live directly into your home or car so you can listen on an out-patient basis.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. –1 Corinthians 1:10 New International Version

 

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. — Romans 12:10

 

I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me — the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace. — Acts 20:24

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. — Romans 5:8

 

Thought: God didn’t wait till we were “good enough” to bring us his salvation. Instead, he came when we were most lost and needed his grace the most. But then, that’s what love really means by God’s definition. It’s more than something declared or felt, it’s something radically demonstrated.

 

Prayer: Holy and loving Father, thank you for demonstrating your love in such powerful and sacrificial fashion. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Galatians 6:2 NIV = Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 02, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 205 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is YELL “FUDGE” AT THE COBRAS IN NORTH AMERICA DAY.  ***MARLAR: I’ve been doing this every year for the past ten years, and it works!  After all, when’s the last time you’ve seen a cobra in North America, hmm?

 

Today is ROCKY ROAD DAY.  ***MARLAR: Also known as “(LOCAL ROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION) Non-appreciation Day.”

 

This is STEP-PARENTS DAY.  ***MARLAR: I have a step-mother, which ironically makes me the red-headed step-child.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Leave The Office Early Day

National Bubba Day

National Rotisserie Chicken Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, JUNE 03

Chimborazo Day

Doughnut Day

Horseradish Days begin

Mike, The Headless Chicken Day

Positive Power of Humor and Creativity Days begin

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 04

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)

Audacity to Hope Day

Do-Dah Parade Day

Drawing Day (Pencil Day)

International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression

Old Maid’s Day

National Prairie Day

National Trails Day

The Wicket World of Croquet Day

Turtle Races Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 05

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day

Festival of Popular Delusions Day

Hot Air Balloon Day

National Moonshine Day

World Environment Day

National Cancer Survivors Day

Apple II Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 06

Atheists Pride Day

D-Day

Drive-in Movie Day

National Higher Education Day

National Leave the Office Early Day

National Thank God It’s Monday Day

Russian Language Day

YoYo Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 07

Daniel Boone Day

VCR Day

World Pet Memorial Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 08

Upsy Daisy Day

World Oceans Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 09

Donald Duck Day

International Archives Day

Toy Industry Day

World APS Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1899: During a train robbery on a Wyoming bridge, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid got into a long argument with the conductor and forgot about the explosives they’d planted. The bridge blew up.

 

1897: The New York Journal quoted 61-year-old Mark Twain as saying from London that “the report of my death was an exaggeration.”

 

1924: Congress granted U.S. citizenship to all American Indians.

 

1928: Searching for new ideas to fight the Depression, Kraft’s Chicago employees created a processed specialty cheese product they would call Velveeta. (

)

 

1953: Queen Elizabeth II of Britain was crowned in Westminster Abbey, 16 months after the death of her father, King George VI. It was the first coronation to be televised and millions watched worldwide.

 

1964: The Rolling Stones kicked off their first American tour at a high school football stadium in Lynn, Massachusetts.

 

1983: The movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was released in Germany. The 1978 horror spoof, starring David Miller and Rock Peace, was so bad it had attracted a cult following in the U.S. The 1988 sequel, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, starred John Astin and George Clooney. (

)

 

1988: Singer James Brown’s wife Adrienne claimed “diplomatic immunity” in traffic court because she was the wife of the “official ambassador of soul.”

 

1992: A new survey found the average bra size of the British woman had gone from 34B to 36C in the past decade.

 

1993: Minor-league baseball banned the use of all tobacco products by players during games.

 

1996: The Mt. Vernon Ladies’ Association, which owns George Washington’s Virginia estate, insisted that the cellular telephone relay tower to be built there be disguised as a tree. Cellular One agreed to erect a white fir “treepole” with plastic needles and bark.

 

1999: South African officials built a special polling station in the remote Drakensberg mountain area where there was only one registered voter. Sure enough, he stayed home and didn’t vote.

 

2001: An Australian man laid off from work in the morning became a multi-millionaire a few hours later when he won a $4.5 million lottery. He had lost his job at a shipbuilding yard in Hobart on the island state of Tasmania.

 

2005: Georgia “runaway bride” Jennifer Wilbanks pleaded no contest to faking her own abduction and was sentenced to probation, community service and a fine.

 

2007: In Tempe, Arizona, U.S. hot dog eating champ Joey Chestnut surpassed the record of 53 3/4 hot dogs — held for six years by Takeru Kobayashi of Japan — by wolfing downing 59 1/2 wieners in 12 minutes.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

597 AD: Augustine, missionary to England and first archbishop of Canterbury, baptizes Saxon king Ethelbert, the first Christian English king. The missionary’s tomb in Canterbury bears this epitaph: “Here rests Augustine, first archbishop of Canterbury, who being sent hither by Gregory, bishop of Rome, reduced King Ethelbert and his nation from the worship of idols to the faith of Christ”.

 

1491: Henry VIII, the English king who went from being called “Defender of the Faith” by the pope (for attacking Martin Luther) to galvanizing the English Reformation, is born in Greenwich.

 

1875: James Augustine Healy becomes the first African-American Roman Catholic bishop in the U.S.

 

1979: Pope John Paul II makes a return trip to his home country of Poland, the first visit by a pope to a Communist country.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Las Vegas”, “Nikki”, “Unhappily Ever After”) Nikki Cox 38 (
    )
  • comic (“Saturday Night Live”, Wayne’s World) Dana Carvey 61 (
    )
  • actress (Morgan Winslow on “Different Strokes” and “Hello Larry”, Mr. Holland’s Opus) Joanna Gleason 66 (
    )
  • actor (“Leave it to Beaver”) Jerry Mathers 68 (
    )
  • actor (Andy Renko on “Hill Street Blues”) Charles Haid 73 (
    )
  • actress (M*A*S*H the movie, Back to School) Sally Kellerman 79

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1857 : Edward Elgar

1932 : Sammy Turner

1936 : Otis Williams (The Charms)

1937 : Jimmy Jones

1941 : Charlie Watts (drummer for The Rolling Stones)

1941 : William Guest (Gladys Knight & The Pips)

1944 : Marvin Hamlisch

1950 : Chubby Tavares (Tavares)

1951 : Steve Brookins (.38 Special)

1952 : Pete Farndon (The Pretenders)

1954 : Michael Steele (The Bangles)

1960 : Tony Hadley (Spandau Ballet)

1962 : Thor Eldon Jonsson (The Sugarcubes)

1965 : Jeremy Cunningham (The Levellers)

1970 : B-Real (Cypress Hill)

1970 : Dominic Greensmith (Reef)

1976 : Tim Rice-Oxley (Keane)

1980 : Fabrizio Moreti (The Strokes)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Is it best to turn off your computer at night, or let it run all the time?
There are arguments on both sides. Turning a computer on and off changes the temperature of its components, which stresses them. The fan keeps the temperature constant while the machine is running. Except for the monitor, which you should turn off or put in power-saving mode when not using it for an hour or more, computers don’t use much electricity when run constantly. On the other hand (or finger, since computers are digital) leaving it on can wear down the always-spinning hard drive, and dust on the fan can make it an inefficient cooler. If you leave it on you will also need to reboot periodically to flush the memory of digital garbage programs leave behind when you close them.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Darren Mulligan, front man for the band WE ARE MESSENGERS, recently performed an acoustic version of the bands song, “Everything Come Alive,” for CCM Magazine! Now you can check out the performance online.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhY3w1ExnL4

 

The last time Jamie Grace talked about being single in one of her Jamie Grace Show videos, she says she had some awesome conversations in the comments and via email. Now Jamie is revisiting the topic in episode 31 of the Jamie Grace Show. Listen to her thoughts and then join in the conversation.   https://youtu.be/JoavsjtzcO8

 

Selah member Todd Smith is Calling All Fathers. That call is the subject of his latest song. In fact, it’s the title. Recently Todd recorded a video telling the story behind Calling All Fathers.  http://youtu.be/UTCnoP2_HJo?a

 

Kutless is now on Snapchat. Members of the band posted: Follow us and see what goes on behind the stage… and everywhere else!

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is out with a new blog titled: “Shouldn’t This Make Me Happy? – When successes don’t satisfy like we hoped they would.” If you’re struggling to find true happiness right now check out the blog.  http://ow.ly/SqMC300NC9z

 

Steven Curtis Chapman says the response to Show Hope has exceeded his wildest dreams. This week he posted: Mary Beth Chapman and I dreamed of helping 100 kids come home through adoption. Today, Show Hope has helped 5,000+ kids join loving families!

 

Selah member Todd Smith says he has finally sold out and joined the 10 second conversation. He is now on snap chat. First up from Todd: Watch his wife Angie Smith catch her first fish, and learn more about Todd’s weight loss journey.

 

Be listening for a Ukulele in Aaron Shust’s next CD. He posted this week: Just bought a Ukulele in Kauai, Hawaii. Maybe I need a island-acoustic album next.

 

Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall had a busy but good Memorial Day weekend. Jon Micah posted: Got to help coach my son’s team to 1st place in the Rogue Memorial Challenge today. Been a long weekend of soccer, but we did it!

 

Moriah Peters and her husband Joel Smallbone have to work to spend time together. Joel is a member of For King and Country and Moriah has her own band. Both have their own touring schedules and spend a lot of time on the road. But last week both groups were in Europe and Moriah and Joel took advantage. Moriah posted several pictures as she and Joel enjoyed seeing Switzerland together. Moriah posted: This is Swiss bliss! Love discovering the people, castles & cathedrals of Switzerland.  http://twitter.com/MoriahPeters/status/736267116156997633/photo/1

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In Ukraine a gang of crooks heard through the crook grapevine about a van that would be passing through town loaded with money. They snatched the van as its driver was making a delivery. And the story they had heard was true, the van was full of money. Unfortunately, it was counterfeit money that had been confiscated by authorities and was being transported to a burn site.  ***You think prison is bad already – can you imagine having to tell the other inmates that you were busted for robbing a truck full of Monopoly money?

 

Despite the fact that Donald Trump tells supporters on the campaign trail that global warming is a scam, a golf course he owns in Ireland has applied for a permit to build a sea wall citing climate change and erosion.  *** Sounds like yet another Trump employee is about to hear “You’re Fired!”

 

Donald Trump has been endorsed for president by North Korea.  ***If there was ever a reason NOT to vote for the guy…

 

The Samsung Galaxy S7 Edge costs less than $800… but the new Solarin Android smartphone costs $14,000. The team behind Solarin says it’s phone is designed for international businesspeople who want to keep sensitive information private. According to the company’s press release, the phone uses the same communication encryption technology as the military.  *** I might suggest the people over at SONY make these mandatory for everyone.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The European Space Agency has suggested that we build a “Noah’s Ark” on the moon, so if the Earth is destroyed by an asteroid or nuclear holocaust, every species of plant and animal will survive.  ***MARLAR: Yeah, but they’d be stuck on the MOON… and the moon doesn’t get cable.

 

If your boss can’t give you a raise, what’s the next best thing? How about a new job title?  A survey says that almost 70% of most office workers would be willing to give up a pay raise in return for amore professional sounding job title.  Filing clerks could be called “data storage specialists”. Janitors could become “Custodial Engineers.” ***MARLAR: They did this to me too.  Instead of a raise, I’m now an “On Air Personality” – which is a drastic improvement from my old job title of “Monkey Boy Button Pusher”.

 

Students, parents and administrators often make a fuss about snow days, but it’s really individual absences that affect learning, according to a new study. According to a report, school closings for snow have no effect at all on student achievement for the sample as a whole, in either math or English language arts. However, Harvard Professor Joshua Goodman observed a drop in test scores among schools where students stayed home while classes were in session. According to Goodman, when some students miss school, their whole schools’ math scores on standardized tests fall by up to 5 percent of a standard deviation. ***MARLAR: Sounds to me like it’s the smart kids who are playing hooky.

 

The collapse of the universe is coming sooner than expected. That’s according to research published in “Physical Review Letters.” A group of physicists have theorized a mechanism for “cosmological collapse” which predicts the universe will at some point stop expanding and then collapse back onto itself, destroying us and pretty much all matter. The research claims that the collapse will take place tens of billions of years from now.  ****MARLAR: So keep that in mind when asked if you want that extended warranty on your phone.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Girl Scout Cookies”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Jeff Allen, “Airline Drinks”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had just escaped from the hospital in order to avoid getting his tonsils out.  Unfortunately, a Razzleflabbin named Clarence has the job of showing Marvy what happened because he didn’t have the surgery!  And it’s not pretty.

 

CLOSE: This story gets more and more grim by the day!  Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 04/05

 

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, after learning that her solo singing career had actually destroyed all of the harmony and cooperation in the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met up with some alligators who were harmonizing very well.  In fact, they were cooperating very well not just to make good music, but to stay alive and on the good side of the Swamp Thing!

 

CLOSE: Sounds like Cheetah Bonita has learned her lesson about cooperation – but what about the rest of the jungle?  There’s still an awful mess out there!  How will she make things right?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

College students are given the answers to test questions… but don’t use them!

A famous Sherlock Holmes quote: “…when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”  United Kingdom sitting for their GCSE music exams (similar to a G.E.D. in the U.S.) would have done well to have followed this advice by looking for test answers on the back of their exams.  Incompetence was afoot at the printer where the GCSE music exams were printed resulting in the exam question answers being printed with exams.  “The exam board said …  students would not have to do a re-sit as most pupils seemed to have been unaware of their good fortune.”  In other words, most of the students never saw the answers on the back of the sheet because they never bothered to turn the page over to see what was on the other side.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS HEARD BY COMPUTER TECH SUPPORT

 

  1. Customer: “I have Microword Soft.”9. Customer: “Microwave Windows?”

    8. Customer: “Will this upgrade include Microwave XP?”

    7. Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) “I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn’t help.”

    6. Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”

    5. Customer: “I have Microscope Exploiter.”

    4. Customer: “I have Netscape Complicator.”

    3. Customer: “I have Netscape Regulator.”

    2. Customer: “Uhh…I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure.”

    1. Customer: “It’s not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive.”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A cell phone saves a man’s life, and also places him at the scene of a crime!

 

FILE #1: A 911 dispatcher in Oregon received a call from a man hanging by one ankle from a fire escape leading to an apartment. Fortunately, for this man, he had a cell phone and was able to call 911. Unfortunately, after being rescued, it was discovered that he had burglarized the apartment and had used the fire escape to make his exit. In his attempt to escape, he stepped through a hole in the fire escape ladder and nearly fell to his death. He hung upside down for almost twenty minutes before he decided to call 911. After being rescued, he was taken to the hospital and treated for a broken ankle. He was charged and later convicted of the burglary. Among the items he stole was the cell phone that saved his life.

 

FILE #2: Two Michigan men went into a new subdivision and decided to steal a refrigerator from one of the unfinished homes. After destroying walls and floors, they snatched a fridge from one of the houses and placed it on the back of their pickup truck. It was then that their truck became bogged down in the mud so the men decided the refrigerator was too heavy so they put it back in the house. When they returned to the truck, they realized the keys had been left in the ignition and the doors were locked. They took off and left their running truck at the scene of the crime.

 

FILE #3: Police arrested David Ballou for driving drunk in a car he had stolen. Soon after being picked up by a state trooper, Ballou thought he would add to his list of crimes. While sitting in the back of the state trooper’s car with his hands handcuffed behind his back, Ballou managed to steal $23 from the wallet of the trooper who momentarily left him alone in the squad car. Not exactly the smartest way to raise your bail money.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Rumford, Maine it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A West Virginia man once again confirmed that criminals are their own worst enemies.

The man was arrested for stealing a VCR, but said he was innocent. In court he pleaded, “I plead not guilty Judge, honestly, I didn’t steal the VCR. He gave it to me because he owed me for drugs.” The good news for the man was that he was not arrested for stealing the VCR. The bad news for him (and good news for everyone else) is that he now faces felony charges for possessing and selling drugs.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Do you save or collect something strange or unusual? Tell us about it.

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who won the 2nd battle between Israel and Syria?

ANSWER: Israel (1 Kings 20:29)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many languages has the Bible been translated into?

ANSWER: The Bible has been translated into 2,018 languages, with countless more partial translations, and audio translations (for unwritten languages). By comparison, Shakespeare, considered by many to be the master writer of the English language, has only been translated into 50 languages.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

Today’s TRUE of FALSE is going to the dogs!

 

  1. All dogs are the descendant of the wolf. (True. These wolves lived in eastern Asia about 15,000 years ago.)

 

  1. An average city dog lives approximately ten years longer than an average country dog. (False – three years longer)

 

  1. Bloodhounds have been used since the 1800’s for tracking criminals. (False – since the 1600’s!)

 

  1. German Shepherds are the most intelligent breed of dog. (False – Border Collies)

 

  1. Chocolate can be fatal to dogs. (True. Chocolate contains a chemical theobromine, which is poisonous to dogs.)

 

  1. Dalmatian puppies do not have any spots on them when they are born. (True. They actually develop them as they get older.)

 

  1. Dogs can be trained to detect an upcoming epileptic seizure. (True)

 

  1. In just two years (2000-2001), dogs killed more people in the U.S. than the Great White shark has killed in the past 100 years. (True)

 

  1. Nose prints are used to identify dogs, much like humans use fingerprints. (True)

 

  1. A dog by the name of Laika was launched into space aboard the Russian spacecraft Sputnik 2 in 1957. (True. ***MARLAR: Yes, I know we used this one yesterday – but we needed another dog question!)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

QUEEN ELIZABETH SELLS HER _______ (BLOOMERS)

TMZ reports that Queen Elizabeth’s dirty, old undies have a new home, because a mystery panty lover bought them at an Internet auction for $48k.

The Royal knickers were thought to be placed on eBay by the estate of the late “Baron” Joseph de Bicske Dobronyi… who had claimed he came into possession of the undergarments after they were left on a private plane when the Queen visited Chile in 1968.

But, sources close to WWN say that the Queen herself put them on eBay.   Royal watchers say that the Queen is worried about her money and that she wants to start getting rid of things she doesn’t want anymore.  ”The Queen is actually on the verge of bankruptcy,” said a source close to the Royal Family.  ”They’ve been spending money like drunken sailors for decades.  Every little bit helps.

The  cyber auction of the Queen’s bloomers consisted of 18 total bids and one lucky mystery buyer emerged victorious. So far, his identity has not been revealed … and we’re guessing it probably won’t be.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get.  The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?”

The mechanic nods, confused.

“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”

“Oh yes,” says the mechanic.

“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”

“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic.

“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing that already!” says the boss.

 

JOKE #2

At the end of the school year, a Kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.  The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is?” Flowers.”

“That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”

“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is? A box of candy.”

“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.

“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”

 

JOKE #3

While on a road trip between Billings and Butte, Montana, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.  All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.  To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.  And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The London Sun reports that the Harvey Nichols store is selling a line of French fragrances called “Secretions Magnifiques” for $150 a bottle that smell like, among other things, sweat or spit.  ***MARLAR: Wouldn’t you smell like those even without the perfume?  Heck, I’ll personally spit on you for fifty bucks!

 

According to a study by Dr. Olga Yakusheva of Marquette University, high-income men are more likely to be overweight than low-income men, whereas low-income women are more likely to be overweight than high-income women. The trend is most noticeable among women.  ***MARLAR: If fat guys make more money, I’m getting ripped off.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

DEAR ABBY

DEAR ABBY: “P.O. in New Jersey” was angry because her sister-in-law purchased an identical wedding dress after seeing hers. Here’s another way she could handle the situation: The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and nothing could dampen Jennifer’s excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had finally found the perfect dress and felt she would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange it, but Barbie refused. “Absolutely not! I’m going to wear this dress. I’ll look like a million bucks in it.”  Jennifer relayed the conversation to her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day, not hers.” Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch that day, Jennifer asked, “What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.”  Her mother grinned and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!” — JUDITH, HOUSTON

Abby’s Response:
DEAR JUDITH: I like her sense of humor.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A man in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, frustrated about having to wait an hour for a pizza to be delivered, came up with idea to speed up pizza delivery. 

Scott Matthew thought, “What if you cooked the pizza in the delivery van? It would get there sooner and hotter”.  Now his company, Super Fast Pizza, is doing just that, delivering pizzas around Fond du Lac with the cheese still bubbling in about 15 minutes.  Pizzas are kept in a refrigerator and then cooked in an oven in the delivery truck on the way to the patron’s house.  Matthew admits it’s not gourmet pizza, but says, “our pepperoni tastes like a pepperoni.”  ***MARLAR: See, now that’s what you’re looking for in a high-quality pizza… for the pepperoni to taste like pepperoni.  You know, unlike those OTHER pizza places where the pepperoni tastes like pickles.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“Jesus replied, The time has come for the Son of Man to enter into his glory.” –John 12:23

Satan may try to delay, hinder, sift, oppose, and confuse, but the moment of your breakthrough must come. Although the hands of a clock move almost imperceptibly, the moment inevitably arrives when the clock strikes the hour. The poet Friedrich von Logau expressed it this way: Though the mills of God grind slowly, yet they grind exceeding small; though with patience He stands waiting, with exactness grinds He all. Jesus; thirty-three years of preparation and ministry culminated in the glory of His death and resurrection. In that moment, the prince of this world was cast out (John 12:31). David also experienced tremendous pressure in his years of preparation, but suddenly his hour came, Saul died unexpectedly, and the path to the throne was opened (2 Samuel 2:4). This is the payoff of years of faithful service to a vision: one day the hour will come. Never try to get ahead of your time, for God knows when the circumstances are ripe and you have been thoroughly prepared. All your trials and difficulties are only the stepping-stones to your glorious destiny: to reign forever with Jesus Christ!

–Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE ANGEL OF MUSIC

READ: Ephesians 6:10-18

Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. —2 Corinthians 11:14

In Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical The Phantom of the Opera, a young chorus girl named Christine Daae receives voice training from a mysterious musician she calls the “Angel of Music.” Christine believes this is the angel her dying father had promised to send to complete her musical training.

As the plot thickens, we find that her mysterious mentor is really a demented man who wants to carry her away into a bizarre underworld beneath the opera house. What the girl thinks is a supernatural agent sent by her beloved father is really a madman who wants to possess her for his own ends. The “Angel of Music” is evil masquerading as good.

The believer in Christ also faces an evil one who masquerades. One of Satan’s key strategies is to look like someone who is good. Paul told us, “Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14). The Greek word translated as “transforms” means “to change appearance, masquerade, or disguise oneself.”

In preparing us to face the evil strategies of the devil, God has provided all the equipment we need to stand our ground. Protecting ourselves with the armor of God unmasks the evil that opposes us and stabilizes our spiritual walk (Ephesians 6:10-18). —Dennis Fisher

 

When you’re making a decision,
Evil sometimes wears a mask;
Trust the Lord for true discernment—
He’ll give wisdom if you ask.  —Hess

 

God’s armor is tailor-made for us, but we must put it on.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

BUT IT’S AFFECTING MY BUSINESS

A criminal has sued one of his victims!

A career crook has sued the clerk who shot him during his last ripoff. Willie Brown, 44, already had convictions for one robbery and two burglaries on his rap sheet when he walked into a Muncie, IN, deli. But the three-time loser hadn’t learned his lesson.. He held up the store and bolted out the door as the clerk sprayed him with gunfire. Brown took two bullets — in the back and the side — and cops had no trouble tracking him to a nearby house. Later, he pleaded guilty and landed a four-year sentence. Now, the felon has filed a lawsuit that claims “there was no need for deadly force” and that the clerk behaved “maliciously and sadistically.” Further, the suit claims that the shooting has “prevented him from transacting his business”.  Of course, his “business” is robbing people – and he’s using that argument in court.  Nice plan.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Interviewing for a job?  Try to schedule it for the morning.

Research shows that 83% of executives are more likely to hire AM job seekers. And 70% of all hiring decisions are made before 11:00 AM. So obviously, if you can help suggest the time of an interview, make it before 11:00 AM.  Avoid Mondays and Fridays. On Monday, people tend to have too much to do and on Friday they are anticipating the weekend and ready to get out of the office. So the very best times for interviews are Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday mornings between 8:00 and 10:00 AM. The little things could tip the scale in your favor.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Would you work ten hours a day if it meant you could have a three day weekend?

A three day weekend has a great sound to it, but according to economist John Owen, some people may not be able to afford it. He says that some workers whose schedule puts them on a ten hour, four day workweek ran out of money for their leisure time activities before their long weekend ran out.  ***MARLAR: Isn’t that why we have credit cards?

 

 

FUN LIST

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER

We may complain about mowing our own lawns, but men obviously don’t have a problem mowing someone else’s lawn. The Murray Lawnmower company conducted a poll asking men, ‘‘If you could mow any lawn in the world, which would it be?’’ The results:

1) The White House

2) Pebble Beach golf course

3) The Rose Bowl stadium

4) Graceland

***MARLAR: If they’d asked me, I would have chosen a field of astro-turf.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

You can’t believe you ate that whole thing. Now you’re paying for it with a burning sensation in your chest and a bitter taste in the back of your throat.  Now what? You’ll have to wait for your stomach to empty to get complete relief, says Patricia Raymond, a gastroenterologist in Chesapeake, Virginia. Meanwhile…- Don’t lie down. Eating more than your stomach can comfortably hold means there’s nowhere for gastric acids to go but up, into the esophagus. Reclining will only exacerbate this problem. You should stay upright for three to four hours after overeating.  – Take a brisk 30-minute walk to help speed digestion along. Don’t do anything more energetic, however. Bouncing around could cause gastric acids to slosh up into the throat.  And you’ll want to avoid most antacids. By neutralizing existing stomach acids, they prompt the stomach to produce more of them.  You might want to loosen your belt too.  “The pressure can worsen heartburn.”  ***MARLAR: And you thought your dad was just being inconsiderate in front of your friends and family.  Turns out he was modeling proper behavior!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The 70-year tradition of saying the Lord’s Prayer during a high school graduation was nearly eliminated by the nation’s largest atheist group but the valedictorian chose to deliver it anyway. When the Freedom Foundation for Separation of Church and State claimed East Liverpool school’s tradition was a violation, school administrators chose to oblige their wishes, canceling the prayer to avoid a legal battle. However, the graduating class of 2016 wanted to honor the school’s tradition anyway – and they did not back down. Class Valedictorian Jonathan Montgomery took the stage and led the class in reciting the Lord’s Prayer. The defiant move was met with a standing ovation for the graduates who stood up for their school.  Watch the video of the prayer taking place… http://ow.ly/hWHt300NKOX

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard is out with a new blog titled: “Shouldn’t This Make Me Happy? – When successes don’t satisfy like we hoped they would.” If you’re struggling to find true happiness right now check out the blog.  http://ow.ly/SqMC300NC9z

 

Police are investigating the stabbing of a Bible inside a church in Lincoln, Nebraska.  Rev. Mic Henton who runs the youth ministry at the College View Seventh-day Adventist Church in Lincoln says he isn’t sure if the knifed Bible is a chilling warning from evil forces but wants whoever has been taunting the ministry with a number of symbolic acts of evil in recent weeks to know that “Jesus still died for them.” Henton said the first instance of trouble he saw before the stabbing was the cutting of the cable for the microphone used in the ministry. “A few days later, a part of a drum set got stolen then a pentagram appeared carved into the wall outside the church’s youth room. Finally church staff found a Bible with the church’s kitchen knife plunged through the cover inside the prayer chapel and that forced them to call police.  http://fb.me/2TCiEmmoc

 

A good samaritan made the week before Memorial day very special for one disabled vet. Last week Brittany Lynn Garrett posted a thank you on her facebook page after an unknown benefactor gave the couple a brand new John Deer riding lawn mower. Brittany posted: I don’t know who they are, but they have been watching my 100% combat disabled husband push mow our entire yard once or twice a week, and thought this would help make more time for the important things in life.  http://goo.gl/PPPfYh

 

A Virginia man celebrated Memorial Day weekend by crossing the finish line to a race he started 50 days earlier.  Bill Hughes participated in the Monument Avenue 10K last month, but went into cardiac arrest about halfway through the race. The 60-year-old runner was immediately given CPR and then was rushed to the hospital. But Hughes didn’t give up on completing the race. On the 29th he completed the 10k to draw attention to the importance of learning CPR. Read his story…  http://abcn.ws/25tU0QP

 

Drinking coffee is good for you. Not only can a few cups a day lower your risk of a heart attack, even smelling coffee can make you less stressed out. And the type of coffee you drink? Well, that can actually say a lot about you.  What does your coffee preference say about your personality?  According to the Coffee Tasting Club…

The Latte Drinker is a comfort seeker, laid back and reflective.

The Espresso Drinker: A hardworking leader. Always on the go.

The Cappuccino Drinker: Sociable, creative and optimistic.

The Black Coffee drinker: Quiet and moody, a purist and occasional extrovert.

The Artisan Coffee Drinker: fashionable, but outside the cultural mainstream.

The Frappuccino Drinker: Stylish and spontaneous, a trendsetter.

http://huff.to/1GnLcBD

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If I could get all the people in my life who have ever done mean things to me in one room, I wouldn’t go in there because, man, those are some mean people! –LeMel Hebert-Williams

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 27, 2016…

 

USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage—Based on a true incident in the sea off the Philippines Islands, the USS Indianapolis was sunk and the men were clinging to whatever they could to survive, and this in shark-infested waters (think of Robert Shaw in “Jaws” telling about this). Harrowing event. This ship was in this area delivering the weapons that would end WWII. Stars Nicholas Cage, Tom Sizemore, Thomas Jane, Matt Lanter, Emily Tennant and Emily Marie Palmer. “USS: Indianapolis: Men Of Courage” is rated R. Rating of 3.

 

Alice Through The Looking Glass—This time, Alice (Mia Wasikowska) falls into “Looking Glass Land” again and has to rescue the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp). Special effects are good, and Helena Bonham Carter is back as the Red Queen, with the voice of the late Alan Rickman as the Blue Caterpillar. “Alice Through The Looking Glass” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

X-Men: Apocalypse—Here comes another comic book epic, with just about everyone in Hollywood in the script. “Apocalypse” is a mutant god, long asleep, who wakes up and doesn’t like the world he is in, so wants to destroy it. What else is new?  Here is a sampling of the stars: Jennifer Lawrence, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Stan Lee, Nicholas Hoult, Rose Byrne, Olivia Nunn, Oscar Isaac and Sophie Turner. “X-Men: Apocalypse” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

JUNE 03, 2016…

 

Me Before You stars Emilia Clarke from “Game of Thrones” as a woman who cares for a man in a wheelchair.

 

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping is an Andy Samberg comedy about an aging popstar (what else?)

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two: Out Of The Shadow and they are back to take over the screen from X-Men and flying Iron Men.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.