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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is being broadcast live directly into your home or car so you can listen on an out-patient basis.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. –1 Corinthians 1:10 New International Version
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. — Romans 12:10
I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me — the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace. — Acts 20:24
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
(From VerseOfTheDay.com)
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. — Romans 5:8
Thought: God didn’t wait till we were “good enough” to bring us his salvation. Instead, he came when we were most lost and needed his grace the most. But then, that’s what love really means by God’s definition. It’s more than something declared or felt, it’s something radically demonstrated.
Prayer: Holy and loving Father, thank you for demonstrating your love in such powerful and sacrificial fashion. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Galatians 6:2 NIV = Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 02, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 205 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is YELL “FUDGE” AT THE COBRAS IN NORTH AMERICA DAY. ***I’ve been doing this every year for the past ten years, and it works! After all, when’s the last time you’ve seen a cobra in North America, hmm?
Today is ROCKY ROAD DAY. ***Also known as “(LOCAL ROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION) Non-appreciation Day.”
This is STEP-PARENTS DAY. ***I have a step-mother, which ironically makes me the red-headed step-child.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
National Bubba Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day
Doughnut Day or Donut Day
Horseradish Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
Hug Your Cat Day
Leave The Office Early Day
National Bubba Day
National Rotisserie Chicken Day
National Gun Violence Awareness Day
Yell “Fudge” at the Cobras in North America Day
Doughnut Day or Donut Day
Horseradish Day
Mike, The Headless Chicken Day
SATURDAY, JUNE 03
Chimborazo Day
Do-Dah Parade Day
Drawing Day or Pencil Day
Loving Day
National Prairie Day
National Trails Day
The Wicket World of Croquet Day
Turtle Races Day
SUNDAY, JUNE 04
Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National Cancer Survivors Day
Old Maid’s Day
Children’s Awareness Memorial Day
MONDAY, JUNE 05
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
World Environment Day
Apple II Day
TUESDAY, JUNE 06
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 07
(Daniel) Boone Day
National Running Day
National Tailors Day
VCR Day
THURSDAY, JUNE 08
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day
FRIDAY, JUNE 09
Banana Split Day
Donald Duck Day
International Archives Day
Poultry Day
Ryan Moran Day
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day
SATURDAY, JUNE 10
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Belmont Stakes
Iced Tea Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
SUNDAY, JUNE 11
Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Corn on the Cob Day
Making Life Beautiful Day
Multicultural American Child Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day
Race Unity Day
World Gin Day
Children’s Sunday
MONDAY, JUNE 12
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
National Jerky Day
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
Superman Day
Victims of Orlando, Florida Attack Day
World Day Against Child Labor
ON THIS DAY
1899: During a train robbery on a Wyoming bridge, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid got into a long argument with the conductor and forgot about the explosives they’d planted. The bridge blew up.
1897: The New York Journal quoted 61-year-old Mark Twain as saying from London that “the report of my death was an exaggeration.”
1924: Congress granted U.S. citizenship to all American Indians.
1928: Searching for new ideas to fight the Depression, Kraft’s Chicago employees created a processed specialty cheese product they would call Velveeta. (audio clip)
1953: Queen Elizabeth II of Britain was crowned in Westminster Abbey, 16 months after the death of her father, King George VI. It was the first coronation to be televised and millions watched worldwide.
1964: The Rolling Stones kicked off their first American tour at a high school football stadium in Lynn, Massachusetts.
1983: The movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was released in Germany. The 1978 horror spoof, starring David Miller and Rock Peace, was so bad it had attracted a cult following in the U.S. The 1988 sequel, Return of the Killer Tomatoes, starred John Astin and George Clooney. (audio clip)
1988: Singer James Brown’s wife Adrienne claimed “diplomatic immunity” in traffic court because she was the wife of the “official ambassador of soul.”
1992: A new survey found the average bra size of the British woman had gone from 34B to 36C in the past decade.
1993: Minor-league baseball banned the use of all tobacco products by players during games.
1996: The Mt. Vernon Ladies’ Association, which owns George Washington’s Virginia estate, insisted that the cellular telephone relay tower to be built there be disguised as a tree. Cellular One agreed to erect a white fir “treepole” with plastic needles and bark.
1999: South African officials built a special polling station in the remote Drakensberg mountain area where there was only one registered voter. Sure enough, he stayed home and didn’t vote.
2001: An Australian man laid off from work in the morning became a multi-millionaire a few hours later when he won a $4.5 million lottery. He had lost his job at a shipbuilding yard in Hobart on the island state of Tasmania.
2005: Georgia “runaway bride” Jennifer Wilbanks pleaded no contest to faking her own abduction and was sentenced to probation, community service and a fine.
2007: In Tempe, Arizona, U.S. hot dog eating champ Joey Chestnut surpassed the record of 53 3/4 hot dogs — held for six years by Takeru Kobayashi of Japan — by wolfing downing 59 1/2 wieners in 12 minutes.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
597 AD: Augustine, missionary to England and first archbishop of Canterbury, baptizes Saxon king Ethelbert, the first Christian English king. The missionary’s tomb in Canterbury bears this epitaph: “Here rests Augustine, first archbishop of Canterbury, who being sent hither by Gregory, bishop of Rome, reduced King Ethelbert and his nation from the worship of idols to the faith of Christ”.
1491: Henry VIII, the English king who went from being called “Defender of the Faith” by the pope (for attacking Martin Luther) to galvanizing the English Reformation, is born in Greenwich.
1875: James Augustine Healy becomes the first African-American Roman Catholic bishop in the U.S.
1979: Pope John Paul II makes a return trip to his home country of Poland, the first visit by a pope to a Communist country.
HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
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actress (“Las Vegas”, “Nikki”, “Unhappily Ever After”) Nikki Cox 39 (audio clip)
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comic (“Saturday Night Live”, Wayne’s World) Dana Carvey 62 (audio clip)
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actress (Morgan Winslow on “Different Strokes” and “Hello Larry”, Mr. Holland’s Opus) Joanna Gleason 67 (audio clip)
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actor (“Leave it to Beaver”) Jerry Mathers 69 (audio clip)
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actor (Andy Renko on “Hill Street Blues”) Charles Haid 74 (audio clip)
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actress (M*A*S*H the movie, Back to School) Sally Kellerman 80
BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1857 : Edward Elgar
1932 : Sammy Turner
1936 : Otis Williams (The Charms)
1937 : Jimmy Jones
1941 : Charlie Watts (drummer for The Rolling Stones)
1941 : William Guest (Gladys Knight & The Pips)
1944 : Marvin Hamlisch
1950 : Chubby Tavares (Tavares)
1951 : Steve Brookins (.38 Special)
1952 : Pete Farndon (The Pretenders)
1954 : Michael Steele (The Bangles)
1960 : Tony Hadley (Spandau Ballet)
1962 : Thor Eldon Jonsson (The Sugarcubes)
1965 : Jeremy Cunningham (The Levellers)
1970 : B-Real (Cypress Hill)
1970 : Dominic Greensmith (Reef)
1976 : Tim Rice-Oxley (Keane)
1980 : Fabrizio Moreti (The Strokes)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Is it best to turn off your computer at night, or let it run all the time?
There are arguments on both sides. Turning a computer on and off changes the temperature of its components, which stresses them. The fan keeps the temperature constant while the machine is running. Except for the monitor, which you should turn off or put in power-saving mode when not using it for an hour or more, computers don’t use much electricity when run constantly. On the other hand (or finger, since computers are digital) leaving it on can wear down the always-spinning hard drive, and dust on the fan can make it an inefficient cooler. If you leave it on you will also need to reboot periodically to flush the memory of digital garbage programs leave behind when you close them.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
The Worship Together web site is helping you play the new Hillsong United song Wonder in your local church. They now have a free chord chart and lyric sheet available for the song on their web site. Pick up a free chart and hear the song’s story at http://ow.ly/Hm1v30c2GWL
Grammy-nominated singer/songwriter Matthew West has a confession: He’s an expert at being a pretender. Growing up as a pastor’s kid and raised in a Christian community, the “Broken Things” singer knew how to appear perfect, saying and doing the right things — even when his heart wasn’t in it. But Matthew told the Gospel Herald in a recent interview, “I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I don’t want to be that way anymore. I want to be the most authentic version of me.” Read the entire article at http://ow.ly/tTO030c7PbH.
Jeremy Camp 2.0 is coming. He posted: Today started a new season musically and in the depth of what the Lord is doing in my life! I cannot wait to share and tell you more!!! Grateful, humbled and honored to still be doing this 15 years later, God is faithful for sure!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUiYz7xgWby/
David Crowder is well known for his beard. So it was only appropriate that he shared his top 5 beards list. They are:
1. Socrates (this dude was too busy thinking to shave.)
2. Abraham Lincoln (duh)
3. Sven Forkbeard (dude’s name is Forkbeard. Fiercest viking of the Norse age based on name alone.)
4. Frederick Douglass (duh)
5. Gandalf
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUjnpzMlYb_/
Jamie Grace says these are a few of her favorite things: a beautiful day, a giggly baby and a pineapple soda.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUmwxtyBwwo/
Third Day’s Mark Lee says he and his daughters spent their first day of summer break EXACTLY the way they envisioned it: waiting in line at the passport office. But it’s all for a good reason. Mark and his family will be part of an Alaska cruise later this summer.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUkUFdwAf0l/
Jon Steingard is a busy guy. In addition to being the lead singer of Hawk Nelson, he also produces music videos and drone videos. And recently he became a new father. But even Jon needs some down time. He posted: So I know I haven’t been on twitter in a few days. I was home – spending time with family hustling on a few projects, and getting healthy. I got a little burned out last week. Had to go dark for a while. Felt so good.
Are you ready for a cuteness overload? Danny Gokey posted a picture of his two kids recently. He said: I LOVE this picture I took with my phone in the backyard of our bed and breakfast here in Nashville. My heart can barely take it!
https://twitter.com/dannygokey/status/867952461515898881/photo/1
A suggestion from David Dunn: Spend 2 minutes each hour throughout an entire day looking for God’s blessings in your life. It’s eye opening.
Mercyme guitarist Mike Scheuchzer says his wife Abby found the perfect anniversary present. The couple celebrated their 15th anniversary late last week. Mike shared: for years I’ve told her that I’ve always wanted to hold a monkey. Today she made that happen. Attached was a picture of Mike with a monkey perched on his arm.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BUiTmxUheLE/
NEWS KICKERS
(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
NASA is starting to give details about their new mission, Solar Probe Plus, in which they’re going to send a craft that will fly into the sun. ***Has our economy rebounded so well that we’re okay now to just launch money directly into the sun? Don’t worry though – it won’t burn up because they’re sending the probe at night.
In the aftermath of her disturbing photo shoot with a mocked up decapitated Trump head, Kathy Griffin has not only lost her job at CNN – she has also lost her celebrity endorsement for Squatty Potty, a bathroom products company that has a pooping unicorn for a mascot. ***You know you’ve screwed up when even the folks at company that specialize in pooping is offended by your actions!
Scott Pelley has been shown the door and is out at the CBS Evening News. ***Hey, I hear Kathy Griffin might be available now to fill that slot!
Schools are increasingly taking charge of lunchtime, encouraging parents to pack healthy choices in their kids’ lunch boxes. But a mom in Australia was shocked when she was called out for sending her child to school not with a candy bar or a can of soda, but a pack of raisins. According to a note sent home with the child, the reason the raisins were shunned by the school was because of their high sugar content. ***Really? We’re not talking rum raisin ice cream here – it was a box of just plain old raisins. Wow. The only think more tried up than raisins nowadays is the critical thinking in schools.
It seems around eight Yale University graduate students, claiming “union” status, demonstrated in front of the Yale president’s home recently to demand better benefits. And by better benefits they of course meant benefits beyond the annual free tuition, $30,000 stipends and free health care they already get. Yep! Some of the students characterized their action as an “indefinite fast” while others called it a “hunger strike.” However, a pamphlet associated with the unionizing made it clear that strikers could leave and go eat any time they got hungry. ***So there are hunger strikes, and then there are hunger strikes at Yale.
Private data has been stolen from Chipotle in a computer breach. ***Some people will do anything for that secret e-Coli recipe!
It seems President Trump has been handing out his cellphone number to world leaders and urging them to call him directly, an unusual invitation that breaks diplomatic protocol and is raising concerns about the security and secrecy of the commander in chief’s communications. Reportedly Trump has urged leaders of Canada and Mexico to reach him on his cellphone. ***Ah HA! So that’s it! Trump’s private cell number is 876-COVFEFE!
The Oklahoma state budget has caused schools to cut back to only four days a week. ***Children all across America are now begging their parents to move to Oklahoma.
Recent research reveals you can make yourself feel good simply by talking about yourself. Those who share information about themselves stimulate areas of the brain linked to value and motivation, says a Harvard study. Researcher Diana Tami says that is why some folks constantly talk about themselves, noting: “It feels good.” ***Donald Trump must always be in a good mood.
A man was arrested at the Trump International Hotel in Washington, DC with an assault rifle, a handgun and 90 rounds of ammunition in his possession. ***Well, I guess that’s one way to ensure you get some alone time in the hotel pool.
Payless Shoes could close another 400 stores. ***Yes… there will be less Payless.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A study finds that sleeping over nine hours a night can help the obese lose weight. ***So if you’re overweight and don’t like to exercise, here’s a great way for your fat and lazy rear-end to burn some calories.
We’re getting close to your ‘sexy’ time of year, ladies. A survey found women feel their sexiest during the summer months. The happiest time of year for 83% of women is between June and August. Sunshine is being credited for bringing out the smiles. ***On the women, at least. The smiles on men are usually brought about by the bikinis on the women.
The idea of male menopause has long been a joke, but no longer. Experts believe men in their fifties may also experience a “change” similar to women when they go through menopause, losing testosterone as opposed to estrogen. The symptoms are very similar, including night sweats, hot flashes, and loss of bone strength. ***That’s right, guys are putting the “MEN” back in “MENOPAUSE!”
Swine flu may have scared us straight, or maybe we’re finally listening to our mothers. Whatever the reason, Americans are washing their hands more often, suggests the latest check by researchers who spy on people using public restrooms. ***An even bigger story than the fact we’re washing hands… we’re being spied on in public restrooms! Otherwise, how would they know we’re washing our hands?
Researchers from the University of Virginia report that old age begins in our late 20s. After testing a group of men and women over a seven-year period, the scientists have determined that our mental abilities start to decline at age 27, after peaking at 22. ***And think about what kind of an idiot you were at the age of 22!!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met a group of alligators that sang wonderfully together – and they helped her realize that doing a solo is great once in a while, but not all of the time. And it looks like all the other animals heard the alligators singing too…
CLOSE: Now THAT is a harmonious ending! Tune in again next time, for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
College students are given the answers to test questions… but don’t use them!
A famous Sherlock Holmes quote: “…when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” United Kingdom sitting for their GCSE music exams (similar to a G.E.D. in the U.S.) would have done well to have followed this advice by looking for test answers on the back of their exams. Incompetence was afoot at the printer where the GCSE music exams were printed resulting in the exam question answers being printed with exams. “The exam board said … students would not have to do a re-sit as most pupils seemed to have been unaware of their good fortune.” In other words, most of the students never saw the answers on the back of the sheet because they never bothered to turn the page over to see what was on the other side.
TOP TEN
TOP TEN THINGS HEARD BY COMPUTER TECH SUPPORT
10. Customer: “I have Microword Soft.”
9. Customer: “Microwave Windows?”
8. Customer: “Will this upgrade include Microwave XP?”
7. Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) “I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn’t help.”
6. Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.”
5. Customer: “I have Microscope Exploiter.”
4. Customer: “I have Netscape Complicator.”
3. Customer: “I have Netscape Regulator.”
2. Customer: “Uhh…I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure.”
1. Customer: “It’s not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A cell phone saves a man’s life, and also places him at the scene of a crime!
FILE #1: A 911 dispatcher in Oregon received a call from a man hanging by one ankle from a fire escape leading to an apartment. Fortunately, for this man, he had a cell phone and was able to call 911. Unfortunately, after being rescued, it was discovered that he had burglarized the apartment and had used the fire escape to make his exit. In his attempt to escape, he stepped through a hole in the fire escape ladder and nearly fell to his death. He hung upside down for almost twenty minutes before he decided to call 911. After being rescued, he was taken to the hospital and treated for a broken ankle. He was charged and later convicted of the burglary. Among the items he stole was the cell phone that saved his life.
FILE #2: Two Michigan men went into a new subdivision and decided to steal a refrigerator from one of the unfinished homes. After destroying walls and floors, they snatched a fridge from one of the houses and placed it on the back of their pickup truck. It was then that their truck became bogged down in the mud so the men decided the refrigerator was too heavy so they put it back in the house. When they returned to the truck, they realized the keys had been left in the ignition and the doors were locked. They took off and left their running truck at the scene of the crime.
FILE #3: Police arrested David Ballou for driving drunk in a car he had stolen. Soon after being picked up by a state trooper, Ballou thought he would add to his list of crimes. While sitting in the back of the state trooper’s car with his hands handcuffed behind his back, Ballou managed to steal $23 from the wallet of the trooper who momentarily left him alone in the squad car. Not exactly the smartest way to raise your bail money.
STRANGE LAW: In Rumford, Maine it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A West Virginia man once again confirmed that criminals are their own worst enemies.
The man was arrested for stealing a VCR, but said he was innocent. In court he pleaded, “I plead not guilty Judge, honestly, I didn’t steal the VCR. He gave it to me because he owed me for drugs.” The good news for the man was that he was not arrested for stealing the VCR. The bad news for him (and good news for everyone else) is that he now faces felony charges for possessing and selling drugs.
PHONER PHUN
Do you save or collect something strange or unusual? Tell us about it.
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who won the 2nd battle between Israel and Syria?
ANSWER: Israel (1 Kings 20:29)
QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE
QUESTION: How many languages has the Bible been translated into?
ANSWER: The Bible has been translated into 2,018 languages, with countless more partial translations, and audio translations (for unwritten languages). By comparison, Shakespeare, considered by many to be the master writer of the English language, has only been translated into 50 languages.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
Today’s TRUE of FALSE is going to the dogs!
1. All dogs are the descendant of the wolf. (True. These wolves lived in eastern Asia about 15,000 years ago.)
2. An average city dog lives approximately ten years longer than an average country dog. (False – three years longer)
3. Bloodhounds have been used since the 1800’s for tracking criminals. (False – since the 1600’s!)
4. German Shepherds are the most intelligent breed of dog. (False – Border Collies)
5. Chocolate can be fatal to dogs. (True. Chocolate contains a chemical theobromine, which is poisonous to dogs.)
6. Dalmatian puppies do not have any spots on them when they are born. (True. They actually develop them as they get older.)
7. Dogs can be trained to detect an upcoming epileptic seizure. (True)
8. In just two years (2000-2001), dogs killed more people in the U.S. than the Great White shark has killed in the past 100 years. (True)
9. Nose prints are used to identify dogs, much like humans use fingerprints. (True)
10. A dog by the name of Laika was launched into space aboard the Russian spacecraft Sputnik 2 in 1957. (True. ***MARLAR: Yes, I know we used this one yesterday – but we needed another dog question!)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
“Man Suing ____ For Causing His Divorce!” (UBER)
He used his wife’s phone to book a ride but says he logged in and out of his own account to do so. However, a glitch in the app caused her to keep receiving notifications whenever he used the service, arousing her suspicions that he was having an affair and leading her to file for divorce.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
JOKE #1
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get. The boss says, “Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?”
The mechanic nods, confused.
“Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man’s screwdriver?”
“Oh yes,” says the mechanic.
“Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?”
“Sir, I’ve been doing that for years!” says the wanna-be mechanic.
“Well in that case, I can’t use you. I have 12 men doing that already!” says the boss.
JOKE #2
At the end of the school year, a Kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is?” Flowers.”
“That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?”
“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is? A box of candy.”
“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.
“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”
With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”
JOKE #3
While on a road trip between Billings and Butte, Montana, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card.”
USELESS FACTS
The London Sun reports that the Harvey Nichols store is selling a line of French fragrances called “Secretions Magnifiques” for $150 a bottle that smell like, among other things, sweat or spit. ***Wouldn’t you smell like those even without the perfume? Heck, I’ll personally spit on you for fifty bucks!
According to a study by Dr. Olga Yakusheva of Marquette University, high-income men are more likely to be overweight than low-income men, whereas low-income women are more likely to be overweight than high-income women. The trend is most noticeable among women. ***If fat guys make more money, I’m getting ripped off.
FEATURED FUNNIES
DEAR ABBY
DEAR ABBY: “P.O. in New Jersey” was angry because her sister-in-law purchased an identical wedding dress after seeing hers. Here’s another way she could handle the situation: The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready and nothing could dampen Jennifer’s excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had finally found the perfect dress and felt she would be the best-dressed mother of the bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange it, but Barbie refused. “Absolutely not! I’m going to wear this dress. I’ll look like a million bucks in it.” Jennifer relayed the conversation to her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind, dear. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day, not hers.” Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch that day, Jennifer asked, “What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.” Her mother grinned and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!” — JUDITH, HOUSTON
Abby’s Response:
DEAR JUDITH: I like her sense of humor.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A man in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, frustrated about having to wait an hour for a pizza to be delivered, came up with idea to speed up pizza delivery.
Scott Matthew thought, “What if you cooked the pizza in the delivery van? It would get there sooner and hotter”. Now his company, Super Fast Pizza, is doing just that, delivering pizzas around Fond du Lac with the cheese still bubbling in about 15 minutes. Pizzas are kept in a refrigerator and then cooked in an oven in the delivery truck on the way to the patron’s house. Matthew admits it’s not gourmet pizza, but says, “our pepperoni tastes like a pepperoni.” ***MARLAR: See, now that’s what you’re looking for in a high-quality pizza… for the pepperoni to taste like pepperoni. You know, unlike those OTHER pizza places where the pepperoni tastes like pickles.
INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION
“Jesus replied, The time has come for the Son of Man to enter into his glory.” –John 12:23
Satan may try to delay, hinder, sift, oppose, and confuse, but the moment of your breakthrough must come. Although the hands of a clock move almost imperceptibly, the moment inevitably arrives when the clock strikes the hour. The poet Friedrich von Logau expressed it this way: Though the mills of God grind slowly, yet they grind exceeding small; though with patience He stands waiting, with exactness grinds He all. Jesus; thirty-three years of preparation and ministry culminated in the glory of His death and resurrection. In that moment, the prince of this world was cast out (John 12:31). David also experienced tremendous pressure in his years of preparation, but suddenly his hour came, Saul died unexpectedly, and the path to the throne was opened (2 Samuel 2:4). This is the payoff of years of faithful service to a vision: one day the hour will come. Never try to get ahead of your time, for God knows when the circumstances are ripe and you have been thoroughly prepared. All your trials and difficulties are only the stepping-stones to your glorious destiny: to reign forever with Jesus Christ!
–Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
THE ANGEL OF MUSIC
READ: Ephesians 6:10-18
Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light. —2 Corinthians 11:14
In Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical The Phantom of the Opera, a young chorus girl named Christine Daae receives voice training from a mysterious musician she calls the “Angel of Music.” Christine believes this is the angel her dying father had promised to send to complete her musical training.
As the plot thickens, we find that her mysterious mentor is really a demented man who wants to carry her away into a bizarre underworld beneath the opera house. What the girl thinks is a supernatural agent sent by her beloved father is really a madman who wants to possess her for his own ends. The “Angel of Music” is evil masquerading as good.
The believer in Christ also faces an evil one who masquerades. One of Satan’s key strategies is to look like someone who is good. Paul told us, “Satan himself transforms himself into an angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14). The Greek word translated as “transforms” means “to change appearance, masquerade, or disguise oneself.”
In preparing us to face the evil strategies of the devil, God has provided all the equipment we need to stand our ground. Protecting ourselves with the armor of God unmasks the evil that opposes us and stabilizes our spiritual walk (Ephesians 6:10-18). —Dennis Fisher
When you’re making a decision,
Evil sometimes wears a mask;
Trust the Lord for true discernment—
He’ll give wisdom if you ask. —Hess
God’s armor is tailor-made for us, but we must put it on.
LEFTOVERS
BUT IT’S AFFECTING MY BUSINESS
A criminal has sued one of his victims!
A career crook has sued the clerk who shot him during his last ripoff. Willie Brown, 44, already had convictions for one robbery and two burglaries on his rap sheet when he walked into a Muncie, IN, deli. But the three-time loser hadn’t learned his lesson.. He held up the store and bolted out the door as the clerk sprayed him with gunfire. Brown took two bullets — in the back and the side — and cops had no trouble tracking him to a nearby house. Later, he pleaded guilty and landed a four-year sentence. Now, the felon has filed a lawsuit that claims “there was no need for deadly force” and that the clerk behaved “maliciously and sadistically.” Further, the suit claims that the shooting has “prevented him from transacting his business”. Of course, his “business” is robbing people – and he’s using that argument in court. Nice plan.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Interviewing for a job? Try to schedule it for the morning.
Research shows that 83% of executives are more likely to hire AM job seekers. And 70% of all hiring decisions are made before 11:00 AM. So obviously, if you can help suggest the time of an interview, make it before 11:00 AM. Avoid Mondays and Fridays. On Monday, people tend to have too much to do and on Friday they are anticipating the weekend and ready to get out of the office. So the very best times for interviews are Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday mornings between 8:00 and 10:00 AM. The little things could tip the scale in your favor.
JUST FOR FUN
Would you work ten hours a day if it meant you could have a three day weekend?
A three day weekend has a great sound to it, but according to economist John Owen, some people may not be able to afford it. He says that some workers whose schedule puts them on a ten hour, four day workweek ran out of money for their leisure time activities before their long weekend ran out. ***MARLAR: Isn’t that why we have credit cards?
FUN LIST
THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER
We may complain about mowing our own lawns, but men obviously don’t have a problem mowing someone else’s lawn. The Murray Lawnmower company conducted a poll asking men, ‘‘If you could mow any lawn in the world, which would it be?’’ The results:
1) The White House
2) Pebble Beach golf course
3) The Rose Bowl stadium
4) Graceland
***MARLAR: If they’d asked me, I would have chosen a field of astro-turf.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
You can’t believe you ate that whole thing. Now you’re paying for it with a burning sensation in your chest and a bitter taste in the back of your throat. Now what? You’ll have to wait for your stomach to empty to get complete relief, says Patricia Raymond, a gastroenterologist in Chesapeake, Virginia. Meanwhile…- Don’t lie down. Eating more than your stomach can comfortably hold means there’s nowhere for gastric acids to go but up, into the esophagus. Reclining will only exacerbate this problem. You should stay upright for three to four hours after overeating. – Take a brisk 30-minute walk to help speed digestion along. Don’t do anything more energetic, however. Bouncing around could cause gastric acids to slosh up into the throat. And you’ll want to avoid most antacids. By neutralizing existing stomach acids, they prompt the stomach to produce more of them. You might want to loosen your belt too. “The pressure can worsen heartburn.” ***MARLAR: And you thought your dad was just being inconsiderate in front of your friends and family. Turns out he was modeling proper behavior!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
When Brett and Alicia Raskey received the devastating news that their 6-year-old son, Colin, had a malignant brain tumor, they put their life on hold to stay with him night and day. When the couple did make a quick trip from Phoenix Children’s Hospital back to their home in Surprise, Arizona, late last month, they were moved to joyful tears by what was waiting for them: a surprise makeover of their property that was done free of charge. A neighbor spearheaded a volunteer effort to build the Raskeys the barbecue island and fire pit they had always wanted so that they would have an awesome place to relax and enjoy family life again after Colin came home. Now that’s loving your neighbors! http://on.today.com/2rdltsr
A surgeon at Winnipeg’s Concordia hospital performed some emergency surgery this week, giving new life to a stuffed animal — and helping brighten a long hospital stay for a patient with special needs. When one of the surgeons working with Dean Huber noticed that his stuffed animal had a number of holes and fluff was starting to come out the hospital staff jumped into action and put on a show for Dean to save his animal. His mom says: “They sewed him up right on the bed,” “It looks like they actually used sterile gloves and all the right equipment.” http://bit.ly/2rMJFVb
I love stories that involve doing something great for our veterans. A former elementary school in Kentucky is being transformed into a home for homeless female veterans and their children. Work on the former Clark County Trapp Elementary School began late last year. The building contains eight bedrooms that can accommodate as many as 35 people. Rooms can be arranged to accommodate a mother with kids or single veterans sharing a room. http://bit.ly/2rPpRR4
A 19-year-old U.S. Army soldier was reunited with his family thanks to a good Samaritan who paid for him to travel home. Keaton Tilson returned to Granite City, Illinois, for the first time since Christmas after Josh Rainey of St. Louis, Missouri, shelled out the $350 for his plane ticket. On May 25, Keaton Tilson received approval to return home for Memorial Day weekend, but because it was such short notice, he was on standby to get on a flight home to Illinois. When a stranger, Josh Rainey, noticed Keaton Tilson wasn’t having much luck with his standby ticket, he bought him a one-way ticket home so the soldier could return home immediately. http://abcn.ws/2qszoxO
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
If I could get all the people in my life who have ever done mean things to me in one room, I wouldn’t go in there because, man, those are some mean people! –LeMel Hebert-Williams
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 02, 2017…
Wonder Woman—At last, the heroic Woman Woman (Diana Prince) comes to the screen with her own action movie and it really is. Chris Pine stars as Steve Trevor and Danny Huston as the bad guy, a German officer named Luddendorff. This is during WWI and Diana meets Steve when his plane goes down near her uncharted island of Themyscira. Wait until the guys there see her costume. Gal Gadot does a great job as Princess Diana. “Wonder Woman” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Captain Underpants 1st Epic Movie—An animated film adapted from Dav Pilkey’s children’s books, this film is about two kids who invent a super hero (in underpants and voice of Ed Helms) and then try to go against a villain (voice of Nick Kroll.) What next? Other voices are Kevin Hart and Thomas Middleditch. “Captain Underpants 1st Epic Movie” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans of the books.
Churchill (opening in select cities)—Brian Cox has the starring role of Winston Churchill in a film that does into the life of Churchill as he tries to pull Great Britain together to face WWII. It is a monumental task. “Churchill” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Band Aid—Here we have a young couple (Zoe Lister-Jones and Adam Pally) who are about to give up on their relationship, when they find that they relate through music. What an idea—put a band together that plays “battle music.” “Band Aid” is rated PG 13. No rating.
War Machine (opening in select cities)—Brad Pitt stars in this film that has a touch of satire and about war in Afghanistan. He plays a high ranking military officer who goes there to straighten things out, so to speak. Hmm, comments about that? “War Machine” is rated R. No rating.
3 Generations (opening in select cities)—Naomi Watts plays a mother with a son/daughter (Elle fanning) trying to find an identity and then there is Grandma (Susan Sarandon) to contend with, also. Each woman feels a connection with family, yet isolated at the same time. “3 Generations” is rated R. No rating.
JUNE 09, 2017…
The Mummy has Tom Cruise starring in this remake in which the Mummy is actually a woman.
It Comes At Night stars Joel Edgerton has a man, who, with his family is trying to escape a killer plague.
My Cousin Rachel is a remake of the famous movie and this time stars Rachel Weisz as the cousin under suspicion.
The Hero has Sam Elliot on a journey to visit his daughter whom he hasn’t seen in years.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.