June 03, 2018: Sunday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180603
PDF: 20180603

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

A quick word of advice before the show begins today: your chances of waking up and smelling the coffee are much better if the cat’s litter box is not in your bedroom.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” — Proverbs 22:1

Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him. — Hebrews 9:28

I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles. — Isaiah 42:6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. — 1 Thessalonians 5:9-10

Thought: God didn’t save us to condemn us. No, he saved us so we could come home to him and enjoy his gracious presence for eternity. God wants us in his presence; that’s what salvation is all about! He is not about to let anything keep us from that presence when our hearts belong to him!

Prayer: Loving Father, thank you for the confidence I have in Jesus! I know that whether I live till Jesus comes or if I were to die this day, I can have confidence that my future is with you because it is tied to Jesus’ victory over death. Thank you for giving me a home with you as my ultimate future. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 6:3 NIV = “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

TODAY IS SUNDAY – JUNE 03, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
204 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL IMPERSONATE AUTHORITY DAY. ***If that means pretending you have the authority to play any song you want regardless of what the Program Director says, then I’m good to go!

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE MACAROON DAY. ***When I first read this I thought it said “Chocolate Macaroni Day.”

Today is PULL YOUR PANTS UP DAY. ***Directed at all the hip-hop fans and gang members. Think about how much easier it’d be to dance, or run away from rival gangs or cops who are chasing you if you just pulled your pants up!

National LEAVE THE OFFICE EARLY DAY. ***Although, to be honest, I don’t typically wait until June 3rd to celebrate. It’s kind of a year-round celebration for me.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day
Chimborazo Day
National Cancer Survivors Day
Wonder Woman Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

MONDAY, JUNE 04

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National SAFE Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
Old Maid’s Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Beer Pong Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
Work@Home Father’s Day
World Environment Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 06

Atheists Pride Day
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
Global Running Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
National Tailors Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 07

(Daniel) Boone Day
VCR Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 08

Banana Split Days
Ghostbusters Day
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Poultry Days
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 09

Belmont Stakes
Companies That Care Day
Donald Duck Day (Birthday)
Family Fitness and Health Day
International Archives Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Earl Baltes Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day

World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
World Gin Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Children’s Sunday
Iced Tea Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Race Unity Day

MONDAY, JUNE 11

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

ON THIS DAY

1888: The poem “Casey at the Bat” by Ernest L. Thayer was published in the San Francisco Daily Examiner. The author was paid $5.00.

1953: In Mississippi, Billy Joe McAlister jumped off the Tallahatchee Bridge.

1964: The Rolling Stones debuted on U.S. television on Hollywood Palace. Dean Martin hosted the show.

1980: The NBA Board of Governors voted to make the 3-point goal a permanent part of pro basketball. They drew the 3-point line at 23 feet 9 inches.

1982: Elvis Presley’s Memphis mansion, Graceland, opened as a tourist attraction.

1985: After five years, the characters of Nancy and Chris Hughes returned to CBS-TV’s “As the World Turns.” (audio clip)

1989: Singer Reba McEntire and her manager, Narvel Blackstock, were married in Lake Tahoe, Nevada.

1991: Willie Nelson released the album: “Who’ll Buy My Memories: The IRS Tapes,” containing songs seized by the government to help pay off Willie’s $16-million in back taxes.

1992: William Maxwell Gaines died at age 70. He founded and published Mad magazine. One year he and 20 staffers traveled to Haiti to try to dissuade Mad’s only subscriber there from canceling.

1992: A day after clinching the Democratic presidential nomination, Bill Clinton donned shades and played the saxophone on The Arsenio Hall Show. He played “Heartbreak Hotel” and “God Bless the Child.”

1994: A German press agency reported that a Cairo businessman had committed suicide because he could not make support payments to his 26 children and 35 ex-wives.

1997: Residents of the Dickinson, North Dakota, school district voted 2,035 to 569 to continue to call the high school sports teams the Dickinson Midgets. The name, chosen in the 1920s to honor a short basketball team, had been challenged by residents who felt it was inappropriate.

2001: Antony Larose of Windsor, England, got a moth trapped in his ear while trying to rescue a cat from under a bush. He said the pain from beating of the moth’s wings against his eardrum was excruciating. It was eventually removed at a hospital. He said, “The noise was unimaginable.”

2003: Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs broke a bat and grounded out against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The bat was corked.

2007: In Kansas City, some 1,680 guitar players joined in what organizers say was a world record rendition of Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water” – a song that was the first many of them ever learned.. The old record had been 1,323 people playing the same song in Vancouver, British Columbia, in 1994.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1879: Death of hymn writer Francis Ridley Havergal in a nursing home. She cries out, “Come, Lord Jesus. Come and fetch me. Oh, run! run!”

1926: Bob Childress is packed and on the road to Buffalo Mountain in Virginia, his original home, where he teaches the people to substitute love for revenge.

1936: Death of theologian H. R. Mackintosh of the Church of Scotland. Forgiveness of sins is the focus of the gospel he taught.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Black Scorpion”, “Family Ties”, “Phantom 2040”) Scott Valentine is 60 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1906 : Josephine Baker

1913 : Dakota Staton

1927 : Boots Randolph

1942 : Curtis Mayfield

1943 : Michael Clarke (The Byrds)

1946 : Eddie Holman

1947 : Dave Alexander (The Stooges)

1947 : Mickey Finn (T-Rex)

1949 : Ian Hunter

1950 : Suzi Quatro

1950 : Florian Pilkington-Miksa (Curved Air)

1951 : Deniece Williams

1952 : Billy Powell (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

1954 : Dan Hill

1956 : Danny Wilde (The Rembrandts)

1961 : El Debarge (DeBarge)

1962 : David Cole (C and C Music Factory)

1964 : Kerry King (Slayer)

1965 : Mike Gordon (Phish)

1968 : Samantha Sprackling (Republica)

1971 : Ariel and Gabriel Hernandez (No Mercy)

1974 : Kelly Jones (Stereophonics)

1985 : Tavion La’Corey Mathis (Pretty Ricky)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call those grotesque figures on medieval buildings gargoyles?

Please don’t misunderstand: At one time in the movies and on Broadway it was thought that all average Joe’s pronounced girls, “goyles.” But there’s no gender reference here… the word applies to garboys as well as gargoyles. Gargoyles served a mundane purpose. Water ran off buildings into a gutter and from there flowed out through the gargoyle’s mouth, which was actually a spout. In Latin, “gutter” is a word for throat. “Garg” is a Latin prefix that also means throat (think of the word “gargle”). Old French for throat was “gargouille,” from which we get gargoyle. So, the most grotesque thing about gargoyles is that they spit water in public all day when it’s raining. Just like my old Uncle Harry, who was the spitting image of a gargoyle, come to think of it.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, was tossed into jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Then Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Everyone is in jail because of Racquet the Skunk’s greed… and now they’re planning a prison break!

CLOSE: It’s about time Racquet finally admitted his faults and apologized, but all the animals are still in jail… and they’re planning a prison break! Will it work? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How to get fat… and how to lose it… in today’s Moment of Duh.

Duke University Medical Center researchers have determined that physical inactivity leads to a significant increase in potentially dangerous visceral fat. Even more obvious of a finding, they also discovered that high amounts of exercise can lead to significant decreases in such fat. For these studies, Duke University received a $4.3 million grant from the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute. ***MARLAR: These findings were confirmed at the International Institute of DUH!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

1. Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

2. “Suicide Hotline…please hold.”

3. Hellooo….Hellloooo, well if you won’t talk to me maybe you’ll talk to this machine, it’s at home and I’m not, leave a message and it’ll give it to me when I return.

4. Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can’t come to the phone right now. He’s either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your
call.

5. (With loud music playing in the background) “Hello… HELLO?? I can’t hear you! What? Oh.. we’re not home, leave a message.

6. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

7. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

8. “Hi, I’m not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

9. We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

10. Hello, this is Susan. I don’t live here, so if you were trying to call me, you’ve dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don’t guarantee that one of them will call you back — only that I won’t.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Planning on committing a crime in Coshocton, Ohio? Be sure you don’t get Judge Hostetler… the sentence might be cruel and unusual!

FILE #1: You can bet 23-year-old Jason Householder and 21-year-old John Stockum of Coshocton, Ohio, will think twice about assaulting any more women. The two lame brains were convicted of throwing bottles at a woman in a car and have now paid the ultimate price. County Municipal Judge David Hostetler sentenced the two to parade through the center of their hometown — dressed as women — complete with dresses, wigs and makeup. Now they did have the option of spending 60 days in jail but both decided to go with the women’s clothing instead. They were also each fined $250 bucks each. Judge Hostetler is becoming famous for these unusual sentences and says he imposes them because of overcrowding in the Coshocton County Jail.

FILE #2: 42-year-old David Howard Isberg, of Boulder, Colorado, walked into a Starbucks wearing distinctive yellow gloves, a red backpack and wire-rimmed glasses and robbed the place. That’s the very same getup he had on when he walked into the same Starbucks for a cup of coffee several days later. Yes, the employees did remember him and they told the detective who was there interviewing them to place him under arrest.

FILE #3: 18-year-old German car thieves Dieter Meier and Reiner Klose were caught by the pigs, and then they were arrested by police. With the cops hot on their trail, the kids ditched their stolen car and ran into a forest. Unfortunately for the teenagers, a herd of wild boar didn’t appreciate them intruding on their turf and they chased the kids up a tree. When the pigs wouldn’t go away, the panicked teenagers called the police to come rescue them and take them to a nice safe jail cell.

STRANGE LAW: In Chico, CA, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Two unidentified Australian burglars recently pried open the window of a home late one night with the intent of robbing the place.

The robbery might have been more successful if it hadn’t been for one slight hitch. Police had gotten word that marijuana was being grown inside the house and had broken through the front door moments earlier. They managed to nab both the pot farmer and the would-be burglars who were there to steal the pot.

PHONER PHUN

Today is Pull Your Pants Up Day, directed at all the hip-hop fans and gang members. Try it… just for ONE DAY – keep the pants pulled up! Maybe you’ll enjoy having two free hands for a change. What other fashion trends would you like to see go away?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What daughter of Job had a 12 letter name?
ANSWER: Keren-Happuch (Job 42:14)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION:  An average of 25 people touch this item before anyone ever buys it.  What is it?
ANSWER: Greeting Cards

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Giant flying foxes, which are a type of bat, have wingspans of nearly six feet. (True)

2. Leonardo da Vinci invented an alarm clock that woke the sleeper by dropping wooden blocks on their head. (False. His alarm clock gently rubbed the feet)

3. Wallpaper was first used as a decoration for tombs. (True, in China)

4. The expletive, “Holy Toledo,” refers to Toledo, Ohio. (False – Toledo, Spain, which became an outstanding Christian cultural center in 1085)

5. The ridges on the sides of coins are called “coinery”. (False – they’re called reeding or milling)

6. The Latin phrase below the pyramid on the U.S. one-dollar reads, Novus Ordo Seclorum. It roughly means “New World Order.” (True, roughly. It means, “a new order of the ages.”)

7. Vermont was the first state to ban slavery. (True)

8. In ancient times, Aztecs gave medicine for kidney problems with the left hand, and medicine for liver problems with the right hand. (True)

9. Fourteen percent of women say they have thrown footwear at men. (False – forty percent)

10. When George Washington was President, there were about 350 federal employees. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

IRAN INVENTS _______ MACHINE (TIME)

An Iranian scientist has invented a time machine that goes backward and forward in time!

Sami Zabaghi, 37, registered “The Aryayek Time Traveling Machine” with the state-run Centre for Strategic Inventions.

The Tehran scientist told WWN that his device can “travel into future and into the past – within minutes,” adding that his machine uses a set of complex algorithms to “predict five to eight years of the future life of any individual, with 98 percent accuracy.”

“I have been working on this project for the last 10 years,” he said. “My invention easily fits into the size of a personal computer case and can predict details of the next 5-8 years of the life of its users. It will not take you into the future, it will bring the future to you.”

The machine can also travel back to as far as the 1500s, though Zabaghi hopes to go back to 900 A.D. by the end of the year.  Iranian leader, Mahmoud Amadinejad, traveled back to meet Napoleon.  They reportedly got along very well.

The scientist says Iran’s leaders will use his device to predict future military confrontations or fluctuations in global currencies and oil prices.

“Naturally a government that can see five years into the future would be able to prepare itself for challenges that might destabilize it,” he said. “As such we expect to market this invention among states as well as individuals once we reach a mass production stage.”

Razeghi claims friends and family have given him a hard time for “trying to play God” with his time device.

“This project is not against our religious values at all. The Americans are trying to make this invention by spending millions of dollars on it where I have already achieved it by a fraction of the cost,” he said. “The reason that we are not launching our prototype at this stage is that the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, “You know, I had a car like that once.”

JOKE #2

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and bites him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal attack. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.”

JOKE #3

My grand-dad worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a kid. He loved to talk about it too. He used to tell me, when I was a kid, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes… Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

USELESS FACTS

In Essen, Germany there’s a steel mill where bosses require their workers to sign a sworn statement every morning vowing they’ve had eight hours sleep the night before. If any worker seen out past midnight lies about getting 8 hours of shuteye, they are fired immediately. ***Which ironically would give you plenty of time for sleep.

A law passed in Costa Rica allows women to have a man arrested for trying to pick them up. If found guilty, the man can get up to 50 days in prison or a fine.  ***In other news, the population of Costa Rica is expected to be wiped out completely in the next 75 years due to the decreasing number of marriages.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WHERE’S PARADISE?
An Easterner was riding with a rancher over a blistering and almost barren stretch of West Texas, when a strange bird scurried in front of them. Asked by the Easterner what the bird was, the rancher replied, “That’s a bird of paradise.”
The stranger from the East rode on in silence for a moment, then said, “Long way from home, isn’t it?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CHEAP DOC

Would you go to a doctor that had no insurance? You might if you saw his prices!

Doctors know that they are expensive, but usually they can’t do anything about it because of the increasing insurance costs and the need for doctors to have nurses, assistants, receptionists, etc. One chiropractor is trying to change all of that – at least for his own office. In fact, he doesn’t even bill his patients! Dr. Samuel Jeffrey Ray, a chiropractor in Mount Airy, North Carolina, works on the honor-system when it comes to receiving money from his patients! The Affordable Walk N Chiropractic clinic only charges $30 for the first visit and then just $20 for every follow-up visit… and you pay at the end of your appointment by dropping your $20 into a milk can located near the door on your way out! Dr. Ray said he’s found that most patients are honest and only knows of two incidents in the five years he’s been at this location in which people took money from the jar.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GIFTS FROM GOD
By Monique Nicole Fox

I am surrounded by loving and supporting friends and family
a gift from God
I am surrounded by motivated coworkers and positivity
a gift from God

I am surrounded by happy smiles and gaiety
a gift from God

I am surrounded by natures beauty
a gift from God

I am surrounded by angels protecting me
a gift from God

I am surrounded by talented Poets and their poetry
a gift from God

I am surrounded by God’s many wondrous gifts that provide a welcomed spiritual lift

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

“Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them to present himself before the LORD” — Job 2:1
He was tooling along with not a problem in the world — well, maybe the kids were a handful, but frequent petitions and sacrifices to the Lord would take care of that. He had lots of friends. He had lots of influence. He had lots of wealth. There was nothing to worry about.
Then it happened. Somewhere in the cosmos, a dark angel appeared in the City of Light. A simple question was asked of him. “Have you checked out my servant Job?”

“Huh! You have him so protected that nothing will phase him. I give up.”
That’s when the problems started for Job. Storms, thieves, even his children were killed at a party — all on the same DAY! Not a pretty picture. How would Job react? With grace and dignity.
Again the son of darkness entered the heavenlies. “Well, how did it go?”

“Huh. You have that fellow wrapped up in the palm of Your hand. Let me kill him — slowly. Then you will see him squirm. Then he will curse you and die!”

“He is yours — but you can’t kill him. You can only touch his body with pain to go with his sorrow.”
Boils. Carbuncles. Lots of them. From leading citizen to social outcast. From the halls of luxury to the garbage heap outside the city walls! That’s where Job went. How did he react? With grace and dignity. “Though He slay me, yet will I rejoice in the Lord!” That’s Job.
Job didn’t look at himself. He looked to his God. He never ceased to look up. Yes, he was aware of his pain — he scraped the boils with shards of broken pottery trying to get rid of them! Yes, he was aware of his loss. He wouldn’t cry over the death of his kids? Over the loss of his wealth? But he didn’t dwell on it. He dwelt on God and His goodness and His grace and His mercy.
We don’t really know how long Job suffered, but we know the outcome. Because of his faithfulness in the face of undeserved suffering, everything he lost was returned to him two fold. For every lost cow — two. For every lost servant — two. For every lost child — well only one for each of them — but they were the cream of the crop — the best of the best!
If we remain focused on God; if we realize that the struggle is not about us but over us; if we understand that when the enemy attacks full force God is about ready to bless us abundantly, then we are truly ready for all that God has for us — no matter how much it costs. Always be ready.

LEFTOVERS

WHAT’S YOUR HANGUP?

Telemarketers – we all find them annoying. One comedian has dedicated his career to toying with them.

We all know that telemarketers can be annoying… and comedian Tom Mabe of Louisville, Kentucky dislikes telemarketers so much that he’s decided to dedicate his career to giving them their due. At a recent telemarketing convention in Washington D.C., Tom called all the attendees of the American Teleservices Association conference on their hotel room phones in the middle of the night to try selling them a sleep aid, claiming to be from the “Telemarketers with Insomnia Foundation.” He didn’t sell any. Most hung up after calling him a jerk. Tom considers telemarketing calls to be trespassing and has been waging a private war with them for awhile and often plays pranks on the telemarketers. One time he told a telemarketer that called his home selling security systems that he was busy robbing the place and so the person should call back later. The worst call he received was from a telemarketer trying to sell him a burial plot. He told the man that it was perfect timing because he was considering killing himself. The telemarketer actually asked for Tom’s credit card number. Unbelievable.

LIFE… LIVE IT

It’s not just the gas prices that are going up this summer – you’re going to pay more to go see those summer blockbuster movies too.

If you can even afford to drive to the movies this summer you’re going to be hit with higher popcorn prices. Most of the snacks, including popcorn, are going up by 25 cents. The concession stand is where theaters make most of their money since the bulk of the ticket price goes to the film’s distributor. Theaters are having to bump up the prices for a number of reasons such as high employee wages and converting to digital projection. Also, the corn to make popcorn is getting more expensive since the biofuel crowd is buying up the corn that would normally go to feed us, driving up the prices.

JUST FOR FUN

DO YOU GET TO KEEP THE CROWN?

Looking for a new job? One man is willing to pay you to be CRUCIFIED in the name of science!

Got some free time on your hands? Interested in advancing science? You should hook up with John Jackson of Colorado Springs. The physicist is looking for a 5-foot-10, 175-pound male volunteer who is willing to be crucified. Yes, crucified… but without the nails. But you will be hanging there for a while. Jackson is one of the world’s leading authorities on the famous Shroud of Turin and for the past 27 years has been conducting unusual experiments to prove its authenticity. The 14-foot-long piece of blood stained, slightly charred linen that many say was the cloth that Jesus Christ was wrapped and buried in and Jackson is one of only 38 scientists from around the world who were allowed to examine it back in 1978. Although he is reluctant to reveal the type of research he is conducting with the crucifixion thing, he will say that he’s studying how a human image could have been formed on the shroud, and is working on experiments that he believes will show that the radiocarbon test was inaccurate. And for what it’s worth, Jackson, who still works part-time as a physics consultant on government defense projects, says he’s found no reason to believe the shroud is not authentic adding, “That’s because of research, not because I want it to be so.”

FUN LIST

REAL TEACHERS…

  • Will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.

  • Grade papers in the car, during commercials, and in the bathroom.

  • Cheer when they hear that April 1st doesn’t fall on a school day.

  • Never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

  • Buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SUGAR CAN MAKE YOU STUPID!

Too much sugar will make you stupid, according to researchers.  The suggestion follows tests in the laboratory comparing high-fructose corn syrup, which is six times sweeter than cane sugar and a common ingredient in processed foods, with omega-3 fatty acids, known to aid memory and learning.  In an experiment on rats, one group had a sugary diet for six weeks and another was fed healthily.  At the start of the study, published in the Journal of Physiology, the  University of California team tested how well the rats navigated a maze – placing landmarks to help them learn the way.  Six weeks later, the researchers tested the rats’ ability to recall the route.  Study co-author Professor Fernando Gomez-Pinilla said the rats fed just a sugary diet were slower and their brains had declined.  He said: ‘Eating a high-fructose diet over the long term alters your brain’s ability to learn and remember information.  However, the good news is that eating nuts and fish such as salmon can counteract this disruption.

PLAYING ‘TETRIS’ COULD HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT

Scientists have found you can lose weight doing something you’re probably already doing: Playing mindless video games. Just make sure it’s the right one. A study (by researchers at Plymouth University) found playing Tetris for three minutes can reduce the strength of your food cravings. And that’s not all – the study revealed the game could also dissuade you from drinking alcohol and smoking. Basically it’s replacing addiction with distraction.

THE FIVE-SECOND RULE

Finally a useful study from science. According to an article in Relevant magazine, scientist have proven that the 5 second rule is a real thing. A team at Austin University School of Life & Health Science in England intentionally dropped a variety of foods on indoor surfaces and used microbiology to measure the transfer of E-Coli and staph bacteria. Official said they found evidence that the transfer from indoor flooring surfaces is incredibly poor with carpet actually posing the lowest risk of bacterial transfer onto dropped food.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I don’t care what anybody says. If I have anything to do with it, this radio station is going to somehow finish the year with a new coffee filter.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 01, 2018…

Action Point—So you own a broken down amusement park and live on the edge. What can go wrong? This is the life of owner Johnny Knoxville (the “Jackass” films) as he tries to figure out ways is to stay in business. Expect pratfalls and humor as in the old vaudeville days, plus…how in the world did they do those stunts? “Action Point” is rated R. No rating.

American Animals—This rather dark comedy concerns college students who want to steal precious art objects. What is with stealing these days? “Ocean’s 8” opens next week and that’s about a robbery, too. Anyway, this film is set in 2004 and the people are after rare books from a library in Kentucky. Based on a real life event and Evan Peters stars as the real Warren Lipka.  Cast includes  Blake Jenner and Jared Abrahamson. “American Animals” is rated R. No rating.

Adrift—Ready for a survival film?  This one is about what happens after a major hurricane and two people are lost at sea. The couple are Shailene  Woodley and Sam Clafin at a loss. Well there is always the salt water to contend with, plus plenty of wind, and anything else you can think of. Unfortunately, with the major storms happening each year of late, one must be aware on the water. “Adrift” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for boating fans.

A Kid Like Jake—Adapted from the stage play by Daniel Pearle, this story is about a couple (Claire Danes and Jim Parsons) who discover they have a gender-changing child. What to do?  Acceptance or non-acceptance, conform or non-conforming are the issues within the story. Also in in the cast is Leo James Davis. “A Kid Like Jake” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Upgrade—A science fiction film, this story is about a man (Logan Marshall-Green) who can’t walk, but is given this ability through an implant. What happens then? Not celebrate, as he goes after the people who killed his family and thought he was dead. Revenge. Also in the cast is Betty Gabriel. “Upgrade” is rated PG 13. No rating.

JUNE 08, 2018…

Ocean’s 8 is a remake of the”Oceans” films with George Clooney.  This time, the ladies take on the heist. Stars Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor is a documentary on the life of the television favorite, “Mr. Rogers.” Much missed.

Hotel Artemis concerns criminals who come to a certain place for medical attention. Set in a future Los Angeles. Stars Charlie Day and Jodie Foster.

Hereditary is a horror film starring Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Disintegration of a family.

Hearts Beat Loud has Nick Offerman starting a band with his family.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.