June 04, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

FREE TO AIR ON YOUR RADIO STATION OR WEBCAST (Send me an email to sign up!)
***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150604

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m proud to announce that (THE JOCK SHOW) is now closed-captioned for the thinking impaired.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him. –1 John 5:14-15

 

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. — Proverbs 15:1

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Whenever Aaron enters the Holy Place, he will bear the names of the sons of Israel over his heart on the breastpiece of decision as a continuing memorial before the LORD. — Exodus 28:29

 

Thought: In a symbolic way, the Priest had all the people of Israel “on his heart when he entered the Holy place.” Jesus, our ultimate Priest, had our sins on his back and our forgiveness on his heart when he went to the Cross for us!

 

Prayer: Tender Shepherd, I know you love me because of the great price you paid to redeem me from my sins. Thank you for having me on your heart despite my sometimes rebellious and unfaithful ways. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Psalm 6:4 NIV = Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 04, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 205 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is NATIONAL FROZEN YOGURT DAY. ***MARLAR: How can you tell when yogurt goes bad? Does it un-curdle? Then again, it probably won’t go bad as quickly if it’s frozen, so never mind.

 

Today is CHEESE DAY. ***MARLAR: Quick question, why do they have you say “cheese” when taking your picture? Is it because you feel cheesy doing so?

 

TELEMARKETING AWARENESS WEEK begins today. ***MARLAR: Who is this a problem for? Once they call you in the middle of your family dinner, “presto!” – you’re aware of them.

 

Today is FROST YOUR HAIR DAY, a day for people who have never frosted their hair to give it a try. ***MARLAR: The tough part for me is choosing what flavor frosting to go with.

 

Today is HUG YOUR CAT DAY. ***MARLAR: And while you’re holding her, hold her down and frost her hair.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Audacity to Hope Day

International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression

Old Maid’s Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day

Doughnut Day

Festival of Popular Delusions Day

Horseradish Days

Hot Air Balloon Day

National Moonshine Day

Positive Power of Humor and Creativity Days

World Environment Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 06

Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day (ARMAD)

Atheists Pride Day

D-Day

Drive-In Movie Day

Russian Language Day

YoYo Day

Belmont Stakes

Do-Dah Parade Day

Drawing Day / Pencil Day

National Trails ay

Turtle Races Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 07

Children’s Awareness Memorial Day

Daniel Boone Day

National Cancer Survivors Day

VCR Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 08

Upsy Daisy Day

World Oceans Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 09

Donald Duck Day

World APS Day

World Pet Memorial Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10

Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day

Ball Point Pen Day

Iced Tea Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 11

Corn On The Cob

National Cotton Candy Day

Career Nurse Assistants Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1820: Elvina M. Hall was born. The American Methodist poet wrote the hymn “Jesus Paid It All.”

 

1896: Henry Ford took his first car called a “quadricycle,” for a night-time drive in Detroit. This test of the first car was delayed briefly because the vehicle was wider than the door of the shed in which it was built. ***MARLAR: The drive only took twenty minutes, it was all the gas Henry could afford.

 

1937: Grocery chain owner Sylvan Goldman introduced the shopping cart at his Humpty Dumpty store in Oklahoma City. Goldman’s first cart involved merely installing wheels and a basket on a folding chair. ***MARLAR: And then purposely misaligning one of the front wheels.

 

1937: Robert Fulghum was born in Waco, Texas. In 1989 he became the first author in history to have both the #1 and #2 books on the New York Times best-seller list: It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It and All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

 

1967: Davy Jones, Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, and Mike Nesmith won an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series for their TV show, “The Monkees.” (

)

 

1969: 22-year-old Armando Ramirez sneaked into the wheel pod of a jet plane at Havana airport and flew nine hours at 29,000 feet to Spain. Despite very thin oxygen and minus-40-degree temperatures, he survived. ***MARLAR: Man, they’ve stripped down just about everything when flying economy class!

 

1972: Fifteen members of the International Budo Association demolished a 6-room house in Bradford, England, in six hours using their bare hands, feet, and heads.

 

1974: When the Cleveland Indians rallied to a 5-5 tie in the 9th, Cleveland’s 10-cent beer night promotion resulted in chaos at the ballpark. More than 30 fans were arrested after a naked fan ran onto the field and picked a fight with Ranger Jeff Boroughs. The Indians forfeited the game and most teams discontinued beer night promotions after that.

 

1984: For the first time in 32 years, golfing legend Arnold Palmer failed to make the cut at the U.S. Open.

 

1984: Bruce Springsteen released the album “Born in the U.S.A.”

 

1992: Magic Johnson’s wife Cookie gave birth to Earvin Johnson the 3rd.

 

1994: A man and six women were arrested in Deventer, the Netherlands, and charged with robbing several supermarkets. The six women walked into each market and disrobed to their panties. During the distraction, the man would clean out the manager’s office.

2002: A young Swedish girl who suffered for seven months with breathing problems finally got relief when a surgeon removed a peanut from her nose. Three doctors had been unable to diagnose the ailment before a fourth discovered the nut lodged in her nostril. ***MARLAR: You knew there had to be a worse doctor in the world somewhere… apparently he works in Sweden.

 

2003: Martha Stewart was indicted on federal charges of using illegal insider stock information and obstructing an investigation. She immediately resigned as chairman and chief executive officer of her company.

 

2003: Amazon.com announced it had received more than 1 million orders for the book “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” which wouldn’t be released until June 21st.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1873: Charles F. Parham, founder of the Apostolic Faith movement and one of the founders of the modern Pentecostal movement, is born in Muscatine, Iowa. In 1900 he founded the Bethel Bible School, where speaking in tongues broke out—launching the Pentecostal movement.

 

1946: The Soviet military Administration of East Germany (SMA) declares it alone has the right to educate children (to ensure they are atheistic).

 

1948: First radio station of the Far East Broadcasting company goes on the air. Located in the Philippines, it was given an impossible deadline to meet. Scrambling in water, and broadcasting without a rehearsal, the team met the challenge.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Alexander, Laura Croft: Tomb Raider, Taking Lives, The Good Shepherd) Angelina Jolie 40
  • actor (“ER”) Noah Wyle 44 (
    )
  • actor (“The Nine,” “Everwood,” “Part of Five”) Scott Wolf 47 (
    )
  • actor (Craig Pomeroy on “Baywatch,” Steve McMillan on “Melrose Place,” Frank Hardy on “The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries”) Parker Stevenson 63 (
    )
  • actor (“Big Love,” The Astronaut Farmer, Monster, Diggstown) Bruce Dern 79

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Morgana King

1937 : Freddy Fender

1940 : Cliff Bennett (Cliff Bennett and the Rebel Rousers)

1940 : Nancy Sinatra

1944 : Michelle Phillips (The Mamas & The Papas)

1944 : Roger Ball (Average White Band)

1945 : Gordon Waller (Peter and Gordon)

1953 : Jimmy McCulloch (Thunderclap Newman, Wings)

1958 : Selwyn Brown (Steel Pulse)

1961 : El DeBarge

1964 : Chris Kavanagh (Sigue Sigu Sputnik, Big Audio Dynamite)

1974 : Stefan Lessard (The Dave Matthews Band)

1976 : Kasey Chambers

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why don’t we use Roman rather than Arabic numerals for Math and Science?
Who said we use “Arabic” numerals? (I know, I just did, but bear with me while I make a point.) Our numbering system is actually Hindu. It passed down to us through the great Arab culture of the Middle Ages. We use the Hindu-Arabic numbers because they’re easier to manipulate and they have the concept of “zero”… something Roman numerals do not have. Roman numerals are cumbersome too. (Try multiplying XCLXVI by VXLI.). Now here’s where it gets freaky though. In some ways, Roman numerals are easier to use when it comes to subtraction (at least in some instances). Get this… say you want to subtract 16 from 77. LXXVII is 77 and XVI, 16. Just erase an X, a V, and an I (16) from the bigger number, leaving LXI, or 61, the correct answer.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

A new song from Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo: Eeeeeeeeeeef you’re hairy and you know it, brush your face *brish* *brish* If you’re hairy and you know it, brush your face *brish* *brish*

 

The Sidewalk Prophets say life on the road is basically a daily repeat of nine steps. They tweeted: Wake up, drive, unload, set up, soundcheck, play show, hang out, tear down, sleep, then repeat. Why do they keep doing it. Member of the band say the key is that they worship all the while.

 

Colton Dixon was remembering the good old days. He tweeted: Remember when you had to have film developed and then mail it to your friends to show them what you ate for lunch?

 

Switchfoot front man Jon Foreman tweeted this week: I’m fascinated by eyes- they often say more than the mouth does. And they have an easier time telling the truth. The eyes are the window of the soul- both in and out.

 

Sidewalk Prophets member Ben McDonald says he is a water purist. He tweeted: If you aren’t making orange juice… don’t put orange in my water.

 

Matthew West says every single one of us has value and he set out to prove that at a recent event. Matthew was at the grand ole opry to perform his song Day One and he used the song to allow the crowd to show some love to the ushers. Matthew said they are the unsung heroes of the Grand Ole Opry. He had them join him on stage, even dressing in their uniform, for his performance.

 

Moriah Peters has a back up job in mind if she ever decides to move away from music. She was at a performance by Plumb this week and said she would like to be part of Plumb’s aerial acrobatics team. The performance was part of Plumbs rendition of her new song Exhale.

 

A bit of trivia from CCM Magazine about Colton Dixon. He revealed this week that it only takes 15 minutes to do his hair.

 

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says it’s ironic that he spoke at a senior bachelorette service and he doesn’t even know how to spell it?

 

Randy Phillips of Phillips, Craig and Dean is already a pastor and a well known Christian artist. But now he also has his own wedding chapel. Randy said he recently conducted his first wedding in the chapel, located behind his home, marking it’s official opening. Randy added: Who’s Next.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Novice German driver unscathed after crash with British tank
BERLIN (AP) — Police in western Germany say a novice driver escaped unharmed but her car was crushed after she inadvertently turned into the path of a convoy of British tanks. Lippe police spokesman Lars Risserbusch said Tuesday the 18-year-old had apparently not seen the convoy when she made…

 

Long Island burglar’s red underwear leads to police arrest
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. (AP) — The blue sneakers were the subject of the crime. But it was a Long Island man’s red underwear that led him into the hands of police. HASH(0xd2dde0) Hempstead Village Officer Russell Harris says he was returning after a canvass of the neighborhood when he noticed someone…
New Mexico couple gets back wedding rings lost since 1960s    photo
LAS CRUCES, N.M. (AP) — It’s been decades since Ofelia Kirker lost her wedding rings, but she’ll be wearing the treasured jewelry for her 64th wedding anniversary. “It feels like we’re getting married again,” said her 83-year-old husband Robert Kirker. It’s “unbelievable to be wearing them…
Police take stray pig into custody outside Detroit-area home    photo
SHELBY TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Officers in suburban Detroit took a stray pig into custody, holding the animal in the back of a police vehicle before reuniting it with its owner. HASH(0x140d280) DeRiemaecker called 911 and explained the situation. She says police officers soon pulled up at her…
South Florida woman reunited with her dog after 7 years
HOMESTEAD, Fla. (AP) — A South Florida woman has been reunited with her Boston Terrier who ran away seven years ago. WFOR-TV (http://cbsloc.al/1HHKZp8) reports Julie Arango got a call Sunday saying her dog, Lola, who ran away from her home in southwest Miami-Dade County seven years ago after…
Georgia doctor robbed of more than money: Pants stolen, too
MACON, Ga. (AP) — A robber got away with more than money in Georgia: Officials say he demanded his victim’s pants. The Macon Telegraph (http://bit.ly/1ER7Tsi) reports that law enforcement officials say a man walked into the Harmony Medical Services office on Monday and asked to see a doctor….
Animal control mistakes life-sized toy for tiger
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. (AP) — An animal control worker in Michigan was convinced he was looking at a young tiger lying in a driveway, so he approached with care. He grabbed a pole and a shield, and called police. Turns out, it was a stuffed animal. HASH(0x140e580) Supervisor Joe Dainelis…
Birkin sets auction record for handbags, sold for $222,000
HONG KONG (AP) — Christie’s said Monday that a Hermes designer handbag smashed a world auction record in Hong Kong. The auction house did not identify the buyer of the crocodile skin Birkin Bag in fuschia with 18 karat gold and diamond hardware. It sold for 1.72 million Hong Kong dollars…
German police alerted to armed mob, find asparagus pickers
BERLIN (AP) — Police in rural northeastern Germany rushed out to track down a reported mob of up to 15 people armed with knives and sticks. Instead, they found a group of asparagus harvesters. Police in the town of Ludwigslust said a man called their emergency number Saturday to report having…
Teen charged with taking $25K, giving classmates $100 bills
MEDINA, Ohio (AP) — A 13-year-old Ohio boy accused of stealing $25,000 from his 83-year-old grandfather and handing out $100 bills to his middle school classmates has been charged as a juvenile. HASH(0x13eb9f0) Authorities say the boy gave away thousands of dollars last month before schools…
20-year-old Wisconsin cheddar makes debut at $209 a pound
MINERAL POINT, Wis. (AP) — A Wisconsin cheesemaker is debuting a 20-year-old cheddar this week that’s short in supply and big on price. HASH(0x13ebb90) “It’s like a milestone in the cheese industry,” said Ken Monteleone, owner of an artisan cheese shop in Madison. There’s about of 20 pounds…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Federal cafeterias to serve meat with fewer antibiotics
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Barack Obama’s effort to curb the use of antibiotics in meat is starting with his own employees. The White House said Tuesday that many federal cafeterias will start buying meat and poultry produced with fewer antibiotics later this year. The directive would apply…

 

South Korea reports its first 2 deaths from MERS virus    photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — South Korea on Tuesday confirmed the country’s first two deaths from Middle East Respiratory Syndrome as it fights to contain the spread of a virus that has killed hundreds of people in the Middle East. South Korea has reported 24 cases of the disease since…
Vast trove of Medicare data details how billions are spent
WASHINGTON (AP) — Joint replacement was the most common hospital procedure that Medicare paid for in 2013, accounting for nearly 450,000 inpatient admissions and $6.6 billion in payments. Among physicians, cancer specialists received the largest payments from Medicare, but much of their…
Novel government cancer study will test precision medicine
CHICAGO (AP) — The federal government is launching a very different kind of cancer study that will assign patients drugs based on what genes drive their tumors rather than the type. The National Cancer Institute’s NCI-MATCH trial will be a massive precision medicine experiment at more than…
Hong Kong quarantines 18 over MERS fears
BEIJING (AP) — Hong Kong authorities quarantined 18 fellow passengers of a South Korean man who arrived in the city infected with Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS. The Chinese city’s health authorities said Saturday the 18 are quarantined in the Lady MacLehose Holiday Village resort…
Cancer treatments got gentler, yet kids’ survival improved    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — The move to make cancer treatments gentler for children has paid a double dividend: More kids are surviving than ever before, and without the long-term complications that doomed many of their peers a generation ago, new research shows. Radiation and chemotherapy have saved…
GOP attack on water rule part of wider bid to ‘rein in’ EPA    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Obama administration says a new federal rule regulating small streams and wetlands will protect the drinking water of more than 117 million people in the country. Not so, insist Republicans. They say the rule is a massive government overreach that could even subject…
55 people at Utah shelter get suspected food poisoning    photo
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — More than 50 people staying at a Salt Lake City homeless shelter were taken to hospitals after falling ill with suspected food poisoning, and authorities are investigating whether it stemmed from one of the nearby kitchens that provide meals to transients. The Salt Lake…
Study sees benefit from more extensive breast cancer surgery
CHICAGO (AP) — Having a little extra tissue taken off during breast cancer surgery greatly lowers the risk that some cancer will be left behind and require a second operation, according to a new study that could change care for more than 100,000 women in the United States alone each year….
Study: Many cancer patients could be spared brain radiation
CHICAGO (AP) — A major study could change care for many of the hundreds of thousands of people each year who have cancer that spreads to the brain from other sites. Contrary to conventional wisdom, radiation therapy to the whole brain did not improve survival, and it harmed memory, speech and…
Northern Ireland leader blames heart attack on bad lifestyle
NEWCASTLE, Northern Ireland (AP) — Northern Ireland’s leader says he suffered a heart attack this week because he lives on junk food, gets too little sleep and no exercise. In his first comments since being released from hospital, First Minister Peter Robinson said he blames “myself and…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

There was apparently a drunken bar fight over the weekend in Huddersfield, England, because police there are looking for the owner of an ear – complete with a diamond stud – that was left on the sidewalk. *** Could they not have been a bit more discrete in looking?  I mean, it should be pretty obvious once you find a guy missing an ear, blood gushing down the side of his head.  I wouldn’t think a big scene resulting in a bar brawl would be needed for that kind of thing.

 

A Florida man is suing a hospital for emotional distress, saying his leg was amputated and thrown in the garbage with his name tag still on it. His lawsuit states: “Rather than properly disposing of the plaintiff’s limb as expected and as required by Florida law, Doctors Hospital threw the Plaintiff’s amputated limb into the garbage, with tags indicating it belonged to the Plaintiff.”  ***I hope the hospital fished that leg out of the trash – because this lawsuit is going to cost them an arm and a leg.

 

A car vanished from a Wisconsin (Lake Hallie) home recently, and just hours later, it turned up — filled with gas.  *** Too anyone listening, my car is in the driveway, unlocked – keys are in the ignition.

 

An internal investigation of the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) revealed security failures at dozens of the nation’s busiest airports. Undercover investigators were able to smuggle mock explosives or banned weapons through checkpoints in 95 percent of their attempts. The series of tests were conducted by Homeland Security Red Teams who pose as passengers, setting out to beat the system. According to officials briefed on the results of a recent Homeland Security Inspector General’s report, TSA agents failed 67 out of 70 tests, with Red Team members repeatedly able to get potential weapons through checkpoints.  *** But don’t worry, you’re still going to be asked to remove your shoes and belts, so we’re completely safe.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

There’s a shortage of anesthesiologists in America . . . so much so that hospitals are asking colleges to encourage students to step into the field.  ***MARLAR: In the meantime, surgeons are making due by putting patients to sleep with recordings of the (THE JOHN TESH RADIO SHOW).

 

The Homeland Security Department asked a group of science fiction writers to help them try to dream up ways that terrorists might attack America.  ***MARLAR: That’s right… Homeland Security is about to be handed off to a bunch of geeks wearing Vulcan ears and speaking Klingon who write stories that inexplicably leave Captain Kirk in charge of a ship that apparently does not have a toilet.

 

If you want to know how long grandpa is going to live, check his pace of walking. A report in the Journal of the American Medical Association found a strong correlation between walking speed and expected survival rates for persons over 65.  The analysis from nine studies showed faster walking speed among older adults was associated with increased length of survival.  ***MARLAR: This does not bode well for me.  I’m only (46) years old and I’m already getting lapped by ladies using walkers.

 

It’s a decision that millions of Americans face every morning: to take, or not to take, that multivitamin. Now, a new study of almost 15,000 men over 50 suggests popping that daily supplement could cut cancer rates by 8-percent. ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, swallowing giant multivitamin pills also increases by 8-percent your chance of choking to death.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Nigh Falls, Day Breaks”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Gordon Douglas, “Philly”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey’s arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, was about to have a concert – and in order to make Mozart look bad, Millard replaced all of the music with sheets of nothing but lines and dots to confuse the musicians. Will his evil sabotage plan work?

 

CLOSE: Oh no! Why would Steve Mozart show up at Millard’s house? Does he know that Millard was planning to ruin his concert? Is he there to hurt Millard? Tune in again for more of the story, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 06/07, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, the jungle animals were so busy trying to get so many things done that they didn’t have time for anything else… meetings, planning, even talking to each other! They were getting annoyed with each other – and then, all at once, the animals shouted…

 

CLOSE: Do the turtles have a secret to staying calm, cool, and collected? Will they share the secret with the other animals? Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Homeowners in Sweden are attacked… by the Swedish cavalry!

Big time OOPS for a group of elite military commandos from Sweden’s K3 cavalry division — who blew up the wrong house during a training exercise! They were supposed to attack an unoccupied home bought by the military for attack drills. Instead they launched a terrifying night assault on another home 200 yards away from their target in Rojdafors, Sweden. Fortunately for them, the couple who occupies the house was not at home at the time or they would have been surely killed. The K3 unit is considered the most deadly strike force in Sweden and likes to compare itself to America’s SEALs. An army spokesman said: “We’ve already cleaned up after ourselves and we have, of course, contacted the owner. There’s no hard feelings between us.”

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WORST BEDTIME STORY CHARACTERS

 

  1. Little Larry the Anxious Accountant, in “Helping Daddy Fill out the 1040 Extended Form – Schedule A”

 

  1. Bambielzebub

 

  1. Screamo the Clown

 

  1. Dave, the Huge, Red-Eyed, Razor-sharp Fanged, Child-Eating Demon that Comes Out of Your Closet As Soon As You Fall Asleep

 

  1. Slither the Shadow Snake

 

  1. Roscoe the Rabid Raccoon

 

  1. The Werewolf Who Can Masquerade as a Blanket

 

  1. The Velveteen Funnel-Web Spider

 

  1. Hoppy, the Sad Ghost of the Baby Frog You Killed on Purpose

 

  1. Chompy the Angry Mattress

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A woman steals an ambulance… and then drives it directly through the wall of a hospital!

 

FILE #1: A woman stole an ambulance and then drove it right into the walls of a hospital! The woman, in her 20s, jumped into the ambulance and drove off hitting a police car. She was followed by police for around three minutes before driving through the entrance doors of the Akron City Hospital emergency room. Police say there were no injuries and the woman was taken to another hospital for evaluation. Earlier the same day she had gone to Akron City Hospital and asked for her children’s birth certificates. She became irate when the hospital explained it didn’t have them. ***They apparently could not locate the woman’s common sense either.

 

FILE #2: A Columbia police department is accusing a man who can neither hear nor speak, who is mentally challenged, and is imprisoned in a psychiatric hospital, of leading a telephone extortion racket – claiming he repeatedly telephoned a local businessman, threatened his life and demanded $3 million. He will have his day in court, but the court physician has confirmed that Torres cannot speak and cannot hear. They arrested him because they received a tip that the man they want is Juan Guillermo Torres, a man with the same name, but who has blond hair and blue eyes and lives in Bello. This Juan Guillermo Torres however has dark hair, dark eyes and lives in Pedregal. ***Well, they at least got the name right.

 

FILE #3: In Grants Pass, Oregon, a burglar broke into a residential garage, spilled a can of paint on the floor, and walked through it. He was easy to catch: police followed a trail of paint footprints straight to his motel room door.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Mississippi it’s still legal to kill one’s servant!

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A 44-year old driver in Holland who was stopped by the police for driving erratically had so much alcohol on his breath that their breathalyzer crashed.

Some time later a police doctor gave the man a blood test which showed he had seven times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood. ***MARLAR: To give you some idea how much alcohol that is, when the doctor pulled out the needle, it was more sterile than when he stuck it in.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

I think we’ve all fantasized about it… having our own servant to do your bidding. For me, they’d have to clean the kitty-litter box and take out the trash! If you had a servant or assistant, what mundane things would they have to do for you?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: At what event did a voice from heaven say, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased”?
ANSWER: Jesus’ baptism (Matthew 3:13, 17)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: 40% of consumers are doing this more now than one year ago.  What is it?
ANSWER: Clip Coupons

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. In competition, Ping-pong players are prohibited from wearing white shirts. (True, they interfere with the players being able to see the ball.)

 

  1. A teaspoon of neutron star material weighs about 110 million tons. (True)

 

  1. Each year, approximately 5,700 people in the U.S. are injured by jewelry. (False – it’s 55,700!)

 

  1. Nearly a quarter of the population of Poland was killed in the Second World War. (True)

 

  1. Hearing requires more brain power than the other four senses. (False – vision does)

 

  1. Nearly a quarter of all the bones in the human body can be found in the feet. (True)

 

  1. Ukulele means “tiny strings” in Hawaiian. (False – it means “jumping flea.”)

 

  1. Pierre Michelin, inventor of Michelin tires, died in a car accident. (True)

 

  1. James Earl Jones was the first celebrity to appear on Sesame Street. (True)

 

  1. The first man to be convicted on fingerprint evidence was Harry Jackson in 1902. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

LEISURE SUIT ______ (GHOST)

A ghost in a 1970s Leisure Suit has been spotted in Hoboken, New York City and  Cleveland.

“To me, it was awesome,” said Tommy Falzarano of Hoboken. “It’s not scary to me.”

Frankie Tooker took the photo below at high school in Cleveland , when he was trying to get a shot of her nephew, who attends the school.

“He spun around so I couldn’t take his picture, so I got the back of his head,” she said. “I didn’t try to take no more because he didn’t let me.”

Buddy Valastro, The Cake Boss, of Hoboken, has seen the Leisure Suit Ghost many times.

A man in a light-colored suit with bell-bottom pants and a dark shirt has been spending a lot of time in Hoboken, at Knicks games in New York City and at school in Cleveland.

The ghost’s clothing and hair style, he appears to be from the 1970s, Davis said.

Many outside The Cake Boss store in Hoboken have seen the ghost.

“He’s a friendly ghost,” said Gina Battaglia of Hoboken.  ”He just hangs out, trying to look cool.  I think the guy is just looking to get a cannoli.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general turns to his aide and says, “Sign him up — all the paper work done, everything, do it today!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills can you

bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need woodchoppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me. We don’t need woodchoppers; this is the

21st century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “But he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “I HAVE to chop it before he can pile it!”

 

JOKE #2

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss’ kind offer.

The boss asked, “Why would you turn down such a generous offer?” The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

“Well, what are they?” asked the boss.

“The first,” he said, “is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

“The other reason,” replied the writer, “is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

 

JOKE #3

At the local Starbucks, a little guy exchanged words with a big bald guy and it looked like they were about to go to blows.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!” snarled the big guy.

“Look, you big jerk,” barked the little guy. “I’m not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a ‘chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, I’ll jump from a rocket!”

“You’re crazy, you little twerp,” said the big guy. “You could get killed!”

“So what?” said the little guy, “I have no family!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A new survey found that more than a quarter of employers have fired workers for misusing e-mail, and one third have fired workers for misusing the Internet on the job. Two-thirds of bosses say they monitor Internet connections. ***MARLAR: Wouldn’t the manager get more done if he stopped reading all of my emails?

 

Sun Keman, an entrepreneur from Dalian, China, has formed the Dalian Fisherman’s Song Maritime Biological Brewery, to make wine out of fish. The fish will be cleaned, boiled and fermented. Xinhua news agency said the fish wine is nutritious and low in alcohol, and the company already has orders from Japan, Russia and other parts of China.  ***MARLAR: They even make a Communion wine called “Holy Mackerel.”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

WE BLESS THIS FOOD

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. “I don’t know,” he said dubiously, “but it seems to me that I’ve blessed all this stuff before.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

MOTHER MARRY I

A woman in Montana marries her own mother! Don’t worry, it’s not as demented as you’re thinking.

Mike Carroll is a soldier in the United States Armed Forces… and he loved Sabrina Clark so much that he decided to marry her. There were a couple of problems though… he was stationed in Germany, and Sabrina was in Montana! And he wasn’t allowed to call to Montana to get married over the phone! The solution? Find a stand-in to play the groom! Fortunately, Montana is the only state in the U.S. that will allow a marriage to take place without the bride and groom being able to communicate with each other – even without a phone connection. The stand in? Sabrina’s own mother, Lee O’Keefe! Yup… Sabrina married her own mother in order to be legally married to Mike! Instead of Mike marrying Sabrina, his future mother-in-law did it for him! So, what happens at that “you may kiss the bride” part of the ceremony? Sabrina kissed a photograph of Mike, and Mrs. O’Keefe kissed her daughter on the cheek. ***MARLAR: Proving what I’ve always said; when you marry the daughter, you also marry the mother.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A sports writer was invited for dinner at the residence of golfing legend Arnold Palmer. He arrived a bit early and Mrs. Palmer met him, invited him in, and said her husband would be down in a moment.
The writer asked if, while he was waiting, he could see Palmer’s trophy room. She replied, “Oh, we don’t have such a room.” That night, the writer asked the golf pro why he didn’t have all his trophies on display — over 90 tour victories, a number of them major tournaments.
Palmer looked the columnist right in the eye and replied, “For what? That’s yesterday’s news!”
Then he explained: “I have enjoyed every victory and cherished the memories. I have celebrated those tournaments. But come Monday morning of the next week, I’m no different from the man who missed the cut last week. In fact, he is probably more hungry for a victory than I. So if I am to be competitively ready, I must get my thoughts off yesterday and deal with today. There will be a day when I can take the time to look back. But as long as I want to stay competitive, I must never stop and marvel at what I have accomplished, only look forward to my next challenge at hand.”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

CAL ERSKINE
(Isa 26:3 KJV) “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”
Cal Erskine pitched for the Brooklyn Dodgers and he once held the record for the most strikeouts in a World Series game.  One day, as he pitched against the Yankees, he wondered, “Am I going to have a no-hitter?” His stress gripped him. He was about to lose the game.
He stopped, thought of his church, and he said, “I could feel I was in harmony with God again. That old power came back. Suddenly the ball whizzed past the plate as the umpire said, ‘You’re out!'”
The Bible says, “You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.”
No matter what you do, don’t get tight. Practice the presence of God in your heart, and you’ll experience His peace in your life.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

INTERESTING & INSANE WAYS TO SAVE MONEY

A recent competition in New Zealand looking for the thriftiest shopper asked contestants for their best tips for saving money. Replies ranged from the practical to the absurd, maybe these could help you save for gas money:

  • If your microwave is broken, turn it into a litter box
  • Live in a tent
  • “When walking through a store, keep your hands in your pockets at all times.”
  • Cut your own hair
  • Treat pimples with garlic (would this even work?)
  • Boil In-the-bag meals in the dishwasher (again, would this even work?)
  • (And my personal favorite from the list…) Shower with your dog

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

GADGETS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND

Want to impress your new girlfriend? Forget the flowers… buy her a nice, shiny, new gadget!

According to research, women don’t want the flowers and candy anymore (sure, now that I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on that junk for the last 20-some years). Girls want gadgets! So instead of shopping at the flower shops and candy stores, a trip to Radio Shack would be a better investment in your relationship. Women were wired up to a machine to gage their reactions to certain gifts, and though the traditional gifts got a good response, it was the high-tech toys that got the best reaction in women. In fact, a majority of the women tested said that their love lives suffered if they did not have their mobile phones or palmtop computers with them. In case you’re wondering what kind of gift to get your best girl, the biggest reaction with women in the study was when they were given a DVD player. ***MARLAR: To maximize the reaction, don’t get the latest chick-flick. Remember… women like gadgets. So try having a DVD copy of Inspector Gadget 2 ready as a follow-up gift!

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

GIVE HIM YOUR TITHES

A Michigan prisoner is suing the prison where he is being held for the right to come and go as he pleases. Why? Because he thinks he is the “Messiah”. Yup… he thinks he’s Jesus. Chad De Koven has been in prison for 20 years on armed robbery charges. He argues that he cannot possibly be guilty of robbery because he owns everything on Earth. De Koven has filed 14 similar lawsuits in the past, all of which have been dismissed. ***MARLAR: Where in the bible does it show Jesus using a 44-magnum to get a donation from somebody?

 

 

FUN LIST

JUNE IS NATIONAL WEDDINGS MONTH

Ever wonder where those familiar wedding rituals came from? Many customs are as old as love itself, dating back to Roman times or before, according to expert Carley Roney, editor of theknot.com, a wedding-planning web site. For example, the traditional white color of the wedding gown is popular because “in ancient Roman times, white was a color of celebration,” she said. “The tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other on their wedding day comes from the ancient tradition of the bride not showing her face to the groom at all before the wedding,” said Roney, author of “The Knot Guide to Wedding Vows and Traditions.” Here are the origins of other popular wedding traditions, according to Roney:

  • Carrying the bride over the threshold — An ancient superstition held that evil spirits collected on the threshold of the new home waiting to invade the bride through the soles of her feet, a disaster that could be avoided if she entered in her husband’s arms.
  • The bride’s veil — The centuries-old practice of hiding the bride’s face was intended to preserver her modesty. Romans covered the bride in yellow cloth.
  • Groomsmen — These friends of the groom have been present at weddings since ancient times, when brides were often captured by force and the new husband needed allies to help him fend off her family.
  • The bridal train — The long trailing train on gowns dates back to the Middle Ages when the higher the bride’s social standing, the longer the material she dragged down the aisle.
  • Throwing rice — Grains were thought in ancient times to symbolize fertility, so scattering them over the bridal couple ensured they’d have many children.
  • The wedding ring — Its circular shape is believed to symbolize endless love, Ancient Egyptians began the tradition of placing it on the third finger of the left hand because they believed that the vein in that finger ran directly to the heart.
  • Tossing the bouquet — Centuries ago, wedding guests would tear at the bride’s flowers and clothes to share her happiness, so the bride tossed her bouquet to ensure she got away in one piece.
  • Tossing the garter — The scramble for the bride’s garter dates back to a medieval tradition in which wedding guests invaded the bridal chamber to steal the bride’s stockings for good luck. To avoid this calamity, a groom tossed the garter to his friends.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

If you want to get people to experience a certain emotion, or be more inclined to do a certain task, it’ll be easier if you surround that person with the appropriate color or colors. 

The latest psychological research says that specific colors can turn on different brain circuits, attracting the perfect attitude for success in any of your endeavors. Here’s how you can use the rainbow:

  • Red — If you’d like more gratitude for your gifts and appreciation for your abilities, wear clothes in crimson, scarlet or cherry, the brilliant shades of admiration. Neurologists say red is the most vibrant, eye catching color in the rainbow.
  • Pink — This is the traditional color of romance. Pink encourages a sense of soothing familiarity and relaxation. That’s why so many emergency rooms use pink on their walls. But it’s also a perfect shade for encouraging passion in your closest relationships.
  • Purple — The color of money isn’t green, it’s violet.  Color expert Antonia Van Der Vesthuizen says, “Bring better finances by keeping a purple plant in a pot somewhere you can see it every day.  As it grows, so will your bank account.” Purple was the color of kings in ancient times, and seems to have a fundamental link to feelings of power and prosperity.
  • Blue The color of the open sky inspires us to higher things. Keep blue objects in your favorite reading room to turn on your inner wisdom and, scientist say, to switch on the intuitive right side of your brain. “This wavelength of color encourages your brain to work at peak efficiency,” explains psychologist Dr. Allen Thompson.
  • Green — Harmony follows the color of growing things. Use shades of lime, emerald and jade in your family room at home or conference room at work to bring everyone closer together as a team.
  • Yellow — Bright objects make everything feel a little sunnier, boosting the feel good brain chemical serotonin and attracting a joyous glow. Need an optimistic mood booster? Use yellow objects everywhere you’d like to feel a little lift.
  • Silver –– Attract helping hands with shiny things, especially when placed by your doors and windows. Scientists say people associate the color of chrome and coins with a sense of reliability and some experts say it never fails to bring much needed assistance into your life.
  • White — White is the color of innocence, used to inspire child like imagination in new, powerful, life changing ways.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

 

The graduating class at a New Hampshire high school is giving the money raised for its class trip to the school’s principal, who has been diagnosed with cancer. According to Fox News, Courtney Vashaw, principal at Profile Junior-Senior High School in Bethlehem, said her school works hard teaching students compassion and caring for others, but she never thought that would directly affect her. The class had planned to spend four days at a ranch in upstate New York until Vashaw told them she had been diagnosed with a rare, aggressive form of cancer. The class then unanimously voted to take the nearly $8,000 they had saved and give it to Vashaw instead for her medical care.

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/05/27/class-forgoes-trip-to-give-principal-money-to-treat-cancer/

 

The 2015 Scripps National Spelling recently took place and, if you think you have what it takes to compete, ABC is giving you the chance to prove it. They have a quiz online to help you find out if you’re champion material by choosing the correct spelling of these words that knocked out finalists in the recent past few years. Take the quiz here: http://abcn.ws/1HwnteR

 

A couple that met on twitter is getting married on Periscope. According to the Huffington Post, Bryanna Mazzella and Kyle Harris met three years ago on Twitter. So it’s only fitting that they’re incorporating relatives and loved ones into their upcoming nuptials through Twitter’s very own live-streaming service, Periscope. The couple said: “We have a bunch of people in different countries and other states who can’t make it to the wedding, and we thought with all the live-streaming technology out now, it’s just a perfect way to let them be with us on our day.”

http://huff.to/1Rp3IwQ

 

A 102-year-old woman from Germany will belatedly get her Ph.D. after being turned away 77 years ago by university officials for being Jewish. According to ABC, Pediatrician Ingeborg Syllm-Rapoport will have a ceremony in her honor at the University of Hamburg on June 9. Rapoport had finished her thesis on diphtheria between 1937 and 1938 but was not given a diploma because her mother was Jewish.

http://abcn.ws/1JkcLfF

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

To everyone who called asking if (OTHER JOCK) is real–we are still checking on this.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MAY 29, 2015…

 

San Andreas 3 D—There has been a giant earthquake in southern California. Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) is a helicopter rescue pilot who, with his former wife Carla Gugino) is trying to find their lost daughter, Alexandra Daddario. Paul Giamatti is also in the cast. They are heading for San Francisco and all this in 3 D, too. “San Andreas 3 D” is rated PG 13.. Rating of 3 for fans. (Note: for another Southern California earthquake movie, see “Earthquake {1974} with Charlton Heston and Ava Gardner.) With “Aloha” opening this weekend, people fleeing the earthquake can head for the South Pacific.

 

Aloha—Bradley Cooper is a  contractor who falls in love with a woman pilot (Emma Stone.) He is doing satellite work. All this set against the South Pacific and written by Cameron Crowe. The cast is a large one including Rachel McAdams, Alec Baldwin, Bill Murray, Danny McBride and John Krasinski. “Aloha” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the cast.

 

JUNE 05, 2015…

 

Entourage with the film continuing the television series, is finally here. Stars Adrian Grenier and Jeremy Piven (now “Mr. Selfridge” on PBS)

 

Insidious Chapter 3 had to happen, with Dermot Mulroney and Lin Shaye, the haunting continues.

 

Spy has Melissa McCarthy as the bottom of the FBI totem pole who decides to volunteer for a mission.

 

Testament of Youth stars Alicia Vikander (“Ex Machina”) and Kit Harington (“Game of Thrones”) in a movie about WWI.

 

Love & Mercy stars Elizabeth Banks (“Perfect Pitch 2”), John Cusack and Paul Dano

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.