June 04, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180604
PDF: 20180604

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m proud to announce that (THE JOCK SHOW) is now closed-captioned for the thinking impaired.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I am heartily rejoiced that my term is so near its close. I will soon cease to be a servant and will become a sovereign.” – James K. Polk

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him. –1 John 5:14-15

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. — Proverbs 15:1

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Whenever Aaron enters the Holy Place, he will bear the names of the sons of Israel over his heart on the breastpiece of decision as a continuing memorial before the LORD. — Exodus 28:29

Thought: In a symbolic way, the Priest had all the people of Israel “on his heart when he entered the Holy place.” Jesus, our ultimate Priest, had our sins on his back and our forgiveness on his heart when he went to the Cross for us!

Prayer: Tender Shepherd, I know you love me because of the great price you paid to redeem me from my sins. Thank you for having me on your heart despite my sometimes rebellious and unfaithful ways. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Psalm 6:4 NIV = Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 04, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
203 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL FROZEN YOGURT DAY. ***How can you tell when yogurt goes bad? Does it un-curdle? Then again, it probably won’t go bad as quickly if it’s frozen, so never mind.

Today is CHEESE DAY. ***Quick question, why do they have you say “cheese” when taking your picture? Is it because you feel cheesy doing so?

TELEMARKETING AWARENESS WEEK begins today. ***Who is this a problem for? Once they call you in the middle of your family dinner, “presto!” – you’re aware of them.

Today is FROST YOUR HAIR DAY, a day for people who have never frosted their hair to give it a try. ***The tough part for me is choosing what flavor frosting to go with.

Today is HUG YOUR CAT DAY. ***And while you’re holding her, hold her down and frost her hair.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Audacity To Hope Day
International Day of Innocent Children Victims of Aggression
National SAFE Day
National Thank God It’s Monday Day
Old Maid’s Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, JUNE 05

Apple II Day
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Beer Pong Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
Work@Home Father’s Day
World Environment Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 06

Atheists Pride Day
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
Global Running Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
National Tailors Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 07

(Daniel) Boone Day
VCR Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 08

Banana Split Days
Ghostbusters Day
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Poultry Days
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 09

Belmont Stakes
Companies That Care Day
Donald Duck Day (Birthday)
Family Fitness and Health Day
International Archives Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Earl Baltes Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day

World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
World Gin Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Children’s Sunday
Iced Tea Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Race Unity Day

MONDAY, JUNE 11

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

ON THIS DAY

1820: Elvina M. Hall was born. The American Methodist poet wrote the hymn “Jesus Paid It All.”

1896: Henry Ford took his first car called a “quadricycle,” for a night-time drive in Detroit. This test of the first car was delayed briefly because the vehicle was wider than the door of the shed in which it was built. ***The drive only took twenty minutes, it was all the gas Henry could afford.

1937: Grocery chain owner Sylvan Goldman introduced the shopping cart at his Humpty Dumpty store in Oklahoma City. Goldman’s first cart involved merely installing wheels and a basket on a folding chair. ***And then purposely misaligning one of the front wheels.

1937: Robert Fulghum was born in Waco, Texas. In 1989 he became the first author in history to have both the #1 and #2 books on the New York Times best-seller list: It Was On Fire When I Lay Down On It and All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

1967: Davy Jones, Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, and Mike Nesmith won an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series for their TV show, “The Monkees.” (audio clip)

1969: 22-year-old Armando Ramirez sneaked into the wheel pod of a jet plane at Havana airport and flew nine hours at 29,000 feet to Spain. Despite very thin oxygen and minus-40-degree temperatures, he survived. ***Man, they’ve stripped down just about everything when flying economy class!

1972: Fifteen members of the International Budo Association demolished a 6-room house in Bradford, England, in six hours using their bare hands, feet, and heads.

1974: When the Cleveland Indians rallied to a 5-5 tie in the 9th, Cleveland’s 10-cent beer night promotion resulted in chaos at the ballpark. More than 30 fans were arrested after a naked fan ran onto the field and picked a fight with Ranger Jeff Boroughs. The Indians forfeited the game and most teams discontinued beer night promotions after that.

1984: For the first time in 32 years, golfing legend Arnold Palmer failed to make the cut at the U.S. Open.

1984: Bruce Springsteen released the album “Born in the U.S.A.”

1992: Magic Johnson’s wife Cookie gave birth to Earvin Johnson the 3rd.

1994: A man and six women were arrested in Deventer, the Netherlands, and charged with robbing several supermarkets. The six women walked into each market and disrobed to their panties. During the distraction, the man would clean out the manager’s office.

2002: A young Swedish girl who suffered for seven months with breathing problems finally got relief when a surgeon removed a peanut from her nose. Three doctors had been unable to diagnose the ailment before a fourth discovered the nut lodged in her nostril. ***You knew there had to be a worse doctor in the world somewhere… apparently he works in Sweden.

2003: Martha Stewart was indicted on federal charges of using illegal insider stock information and obstructing an investigation. She immediately resigned as chairman and chief executive officer of her company.

2003: Amazon.com announced it had received more than 1 million orders for the book “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,” which wouldn’t be released until June 21st.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1873: Charles F. Parham, founder of the Apostolic Faith movement and one of the founders of the modern Pentecostal movement, is born in Muscatine, Iowa. In 1900 he founded the Bethel Bible School, where speaking in tongues broke out—launching the Pentecostal movement.

1946: The Soviet military Administration of East Germany (SMA) declares it alone has the right to educate children (to ensure they are atheistic).

1948: First radio station of the Far East Broadcasting company goes on the air. Located in the Philippines, it was given an impossible deadline to meet. Scrambling in water, and broadcasting without a rehearsal, the team met the challenge.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Alexander, Laura Croft: Tomb Raider, Taking Lives, The Good Shepherd) Angelina Jolie 43

  • actor (“ER”) Noah Wyle 47 (audio clip)

  • actor (“The Nine,” “Everwood,” “Part of Five”) Scott Wolf 50 (audio clip)

  • actor (Craig Pomeroy on “Baywatch,” Steve McMillan on “Melrose Place,” Frank Hardy on “The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries”) Parker Stevenson 66 (audio clip)

  • actor (Nebraska, The Hateful Eight, Django Unchained) Bruce Dern 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Morgana King

1937 : Freddy Fender

1940 : Cliff Bennett (Cliff Bennett and the Rebel Rousers)

1940 : Nancy Sinatra

1944 : Michelle Phillips (The Mamas & The Papas)

1944 : Roger Ball (Average White Band)

1945 : Gordon Waller (Peter and Gordon)

1953 : Jimmy McCulloch (Thunderclap Newman, Wings)

1958 : Selwyn Brown (Steel Pulse)

1961 : El DeBarge

1964 : Chris Kavanagh (Sigue Sigu Sputnik, Big Audio Dynamite)

1974 : Stefan Lessard (The Dave Matthews Band)

1976 : Kasey Chambers

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why don’t we use Roman rather than Arabic numerals for Math and Science?
Who said we use “Arabic” numerals? (I know, I just did, but bear with me while I make a point.) Our numbering system is actually Hindu. It passed down to us through the great Arab culture of the Middle Ages. We use the Hindu-Arabic numbers because they’re easier to manipulate and they have the concept of “zero”… something Roman numerals do not have. Roman numerals are cumbersome too. (Try multiplying XCLXVI by VXLI.). Now here’s where it gets freaky though. In some ways, Roman numerals are easier to use when it comes to subtraction (at least in some instances). Get this… say you want to subtract 16 from 77. LXXVII is 77 and XVI, 16. Just erase an X, a V, and an I (16) from the bigger number, leaving LXI, or 61, the correct answer.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Wal-Mart has announced a program that will pay for their employees to go to college and get a degree. ***Upon graduation you’ll be qualified to move up to the cashier position!

Sears announced it’s going to close another 72 stores.  ***Boy, it’s good that we still have Radio Shack then!  <off mic> What?  What do you mean Radio Shack is gone?  Where am I supposed to go Christmas shopping then?!?!

A Southwest Airlines flight from San Francisco to LA had to make an emergency landing after a passenger smoked a joint in the bathroom, setting off the smoke alarm. Once the smoke alarm went off, the pilot had to make an emergency landing. ***Wow – it doesn’t really take much to bring down a plane nowadays, does it?

Now President Trump is threatening to block German luxury cars from the U.S. market.  ***Which would be devastating for the three people living here that could afford one.

Actress Brigitte Nielsen — Sylvester Stallone’s ex — is pregnant at age 54. It will be her fifth child.  ***She’s planning to go the natural childbirth route by looking menacingly at her baby bump and ordering the baby out or face the consequences.

A Texas police officer responded to a noise complaint. When he arrived at an apartment complex he founds some teens having a barbecue, playing some music and doing some boxing. So the officer, a longtime recreational boxer, slipped on a set of gloves and went a round with one of the teens. ***I can only assume the teen was a Caucasian.  Any other shade of melanin would mean liberal media reporting this story in a much more ominous tone like, “Teen beat up in his own backyard by racist cop!”

The Cameron Diaz house in “The Holiday” can be yours for $12 million.  ***Twelve million dollars for one house – at that cost, it better come with Cameron Diaz included!

A Scottish hospital has opened a rehab clinic to treat cryptocurrency addicts.  ***Oh no – the doctor says I have bitcoinitus!

A couple in Milan, Italy decided to name their baby girl “Blu” (spelled B-L-U, but is the Italian spelling for the color blue).  But then they were ordered by a court to change the name to something more suitable for a girl or risk having it changed for them! According to a presidential decree issued in the year 2000, “the name given to a child must correspond to their sex” and Italian authorities apparently don’t consider “Blu” to be a suitable name for a girl. ***I didn’t realize colors had gender.  Okay then… uh… how about PINK?

Now there’s a study that says obese people enjoy food less than those who are lean.  ***Sounds like a challenge to me… bring it on!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Monks in England who make Buckfast Tonic Wine are under fire after the high alcohol content wine was cited as a cause of 6,500 incidents of antisocial and violent behavior. ***And obviously it’s the fault of the monks because they chased down and forced all 6,500 of those people to drink their wine to excess then sent them off with instructions to kill, maim and destroy. No? Well then how do YOU explain why they’re getting blamed?

New research says caffeine improves your memory. A team at Johns Hopkins University, found that caffeine had measurable, positive effects on both short term and long term memory. ***Now, if I could just remember where I left my coffee mug…

Well all know that Americans don’t eat their fruits and veggies, but data from the USDA lets us count the ways. According to figures that compare actual grocery spending with what the government recommends over an eight-year period, we’re buying a fraction of green vegetables, legumes and whole fruits than what’s suggested. Instead, we buy way more juice, frozen dinners and candy. ***Well, yeah… but the candy IS fruit flavored, so it’s pretty much a non-issue.

A recent study suggests better access to stairs in office buildings — and signs reminding people to use them — might encourage workers to get more exercise. ***Key word – “might”. Now, please point me to the escalator.

Indiana State University researchers suggest you help kids get in shape by adding weights to their toys. ***Aren’t sixteen-pound yo-yos inherently dangerous?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: Last time, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, was tossed into jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Then Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Everyone is in jail because of Racquet the Skunk’s greed… and now they’re planning a prison break!

CLOSE: It’s about time Racquet finally admitted his faults and apologized, but all the animals are still in jail… and they’re planning a prison break! Will it work? Find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Homeowners in Sweden are attacked… by the Swedish cavalry!

Big time OOPS for a group of elite military commandos from Sweden’s K3 cavalry division — who blew up the wrong house during a training exercise! They were supposed to attack an unoccupied home bought by the military for attack drills. Instead they launched a terrifying night assault on another home 200 yards away from their target in Rojdafors, Sweden. Fortunately for them, the couple who occupies the house was not at home at the time or they would have been surely killed. The K3 unit is considered the most deadly strike force in Sweden and likes to compare itself to America’s SEALs. An army spokesman said: “We’ve already cleaned up after ourselves and we have, of course, contacted the owner. There’s no hard feelings between us.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WORST BEDTIME STORY CHARACTERS

10. Little Larry the Anxious Accountant, in “Helping Daddy Fill out the 1040 Extended Form – Schedule A”

9. Bambielzebub

8. Screamo the Clown

7. Dave, the Huge, Red-Eyed, Razor-sharp Fanged, Child-Eating Demon that Comes Out of Your Closet As Soon As You Fall Asleep

6. Slither the Shadow Snake

5. Roscoe the Rabid Raccoon

4. The Werewolf Who Can Masquerade as a Blanket

3. The Velveteen Funnel-Web Spider

2. Hoppy, the Sad Ghost of the Baby Frog You Killed on Purpose

1. Chompy the Angry Mattress

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A woman steals an ambulance… and then drives it directly through the wall of a hospital!

FILE #1: A woman stole an ambulance and then drove it right into the walls of a hospital! The woman, in her 20s, jumped into the ambulance and drove off hitting a police car. She was followed by police for around three minutes before driving through the entrance doors of the Akron City Hospital emergency room. Police say there were no injuries and the woman was taken to another hospital for evaluation. Earlier the same day she had gone to Akron City Hospital and asked for her children’s birth certificates. She became irate when the hospital explained it didn’t have them. ***They apparently could not locate the woman’s common sense either.

FILE #2: A Columbia police department is accusing a man who can neither hear nor speak, who is mentally challenged, and is imprisoned in a psychiatric hospital, of leading a telephone extortion racket – claiming he repeatedly telephoned a local businessman, threatened his life and demanded $3 million. He will have his day in court, but the court physician has confirmed that Torres cannot speak and cannot hear. They arrested him because they received a tip that the man they want is Juan Guillermo Torres, a man with the same name, but who has blond hair and blue eyes and lives in Bello. This Juan Guillermo Torres however has dark hair, dark eyes and lives in Pedregal. ***Well, they at least got the name right.

FILE #3: In Grants Pass, Oregon, a burglar broke into a residential garage, spilled a can of paint on the floor, and walked through it. He was easy to catch: police followed a trail of paint footprints straight to his motel room door.

STRANGE LAW: In Mississippi it’s still legal to kill one’s servant!

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A 44-year old driver in Holland who was stopped by the police for driving erratically had so much alcohol on his breath that their breathalyzer crashed.

Some time later a police doctor gave the man a blood test which showed he had seven times the legal limit of alcohol in his blood. ***MARLAR: To give you some idea how much alcohol that is, when the doctor pulled out the needle, it was more sterile than when he stuck it in.

PHONER PHUN

I think we’ve all fantasized about it… having our own servant to do your bidding. For me, they’d have to clean the kitty-litter box and take out the trash! If you had a servant or assistant, what mundane things would they have to do for you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: At what event did a voice from heaven say, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased”?
ANSWER: Jesus’ baptism (Matthew 3:13, 17)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: 40% of consumers are doing this more now than one year ago.  What is it?
ANSWER: Clip Coupons

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In competition, Ping-pong players are prohibited from wearing white shirts. (True, they interfere with the players being able to see the ball.)

2. A teaspoon of neutron star material weighs about 110 million tons. (True)

3. Each year, approximately 5,700 people in the U.S. are injured by jewelry. (False – it’s 55,700!)

4. Nearly a quarter of the population of Poland was killed in the Second World War. (True)

5. Hearing requires more brain power than the other four senses. (False – vision does)

6. Nearly a quarter of all the bones in the human body can be found in the feet. (True)

7. Ukulele means “tiny strings” in Hawaiian. (False – it means “jumping flea.”)

8. Pierre Michelin, inventor of Michelin tires, died in a car accident. (True)

9. James Earl Jones was the first celebrity to appear on Sesame Street. (True)

10. The first man to be convicted on fingerprint evidence was Harry Jackson in 1902. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

LEISURE SUIT ______ (GHOST)

A ghost in a 1970s Leisure Suit has been spotted in Hoboken, New York City and  Cleveland.

“To me, it was awesome,” said Tommy Falzarano of Hoboken. “It’s not scary to me.”

Frankie Tooker took the photo below at high school in Cleveland , when he was trying to get a shot of her nephew, who attends the school.

“He spun around so I couldn’t take his picture, so I got the back of his head,” she said. “I didn’t try to take no more because he didn’t let me.”

Buddy Valastro, The Cake Boss, of Hoboken, has seen the Leisure Suit Ghost many times.

A man in a light-colored suit with bell-bottom pants and a dark shirt has been spending a lot of time in Hoboken, at Knicks games in New York City and at school in Cleveland.

The ghost’s clothing and hair style, he appears to be from the 1970s, Davis said.

Many outside The Cake Boss store in Hoboken have seen the ghost.

“He’s a friendly ghost,” said Gina Battaglia of Hoboken.  ”He just hangs out, trying to look cool.  I think the guy is just looking to get a cannoli.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general turns to his aide and says, “Sign him up — all the paper work done, everything, do it today!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills can you

bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need woodchoppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me. We don’t need woodchoppers; this is the

21st century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “But he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “I HAVE to chop it before he can pile it!”

JOKE #2

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss’ kind offer.

The boss asked, “Why would you turn down such a generous offer?” The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

“Well, what are they?” asked the boss.

“The first,” he said, “is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

“The other reason,” replied the writer, “is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper’s circulation.”

JOKE #3

At the local Starbucks, a little guy exchanged words with a big bald guy and it looked like they were about to go to blows.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!” snarled the big guy.

“Look, you big jerk,” barked the little guy. “I’m not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a ‘chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, I’ll jump from a rocket!”

“You’re crazy, you little twerp,” said the big guy. “You could get killed!”

“So what?” said the little guy, “I have no family!”

USELESS FACTS

A new survey found that more than a quarter of employers have fired workers for misusing e-mail, and one third have fired workers for misusing the Internet on the job. Two-thirds of bosses say they monitor Internet connections. ***Wouldn’t the manager get more done if he stopped reading all of my emails?

Sun Keman, an entrepreneur from Dalian, China, has formed the Dalian Fisherman’s Song Maritime Biological Brewery, to make wine out of fish. The fish will be cleaned, boiled and fermented. Xinhua news agency said the fish wine is nutritious and low in alcohol, and the company already has orders from Japan, Russia and other parts of China.  ***They even make a Communion wine called “Holy Mackerel.”

FEATURED FUNNIES

WE BLESS THIS FOOD

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. “I don’t know,” he said dubiously, “but it seems to me that I’ve blessed all this stuff before.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

MOTHER MARRY I

A woman in Montana marries her own mother! Don’t worry, it’s not as demented as you’re thinking.

Mike Carroll is a soldier in the United States Armed Forces… and he loved Sabrina Clark so much that he decided to marry her. There were a couple of problems though… he was stationed in Germany, and Sabrina was in Montana! And he wasn’t allowed to call to Montana to get married over the phone! The solution? Find a stand-in to play the groom! Fortunately, Montana is the only state in the U.S. that will allow a marriage to take place without the bride and groom being able to communicate with each other – even without a phone connection. The stand in? Sabrina’s own mother, Lee O’Keefe! Yup… Sabrina married her own mother in order to be legally married to Mike! Instead of Mike marrying Sabrina, his future mother-in-law did it for him! So, what happens at that “you may kiss the bride” part of the ceremony? Sabrina kissed a photograph of Mike, and Mrs. O’Keefe kissed her daughter on the cheek. ***MARLAR: Proving what I’ve always said; when you marry the daughter, you also marry the mother.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

A sports writer was invited for dinner at the residence of golfing legend Arnold Palmer. He arrived a bit early and Mrs. Palmer met him, invited him in, and said her husband would be down in a moment.
The writer asked if, while he was waiting, he could see Palmer’s trophy room. She replied, “Oh, we don’t have such a room.” That night, the writer asked the golf pro why he didn’t have all his trophies on display — over 90 tour victories, a number of them major tournaments.
Palmer looked the columnist right in the eye and replied, “For what? That’s yesterday’s news!”
Then he explained: “I have enjoyed every victory and cherished the memories. I have celebrated those tournaments. But come Monday morning of the next week, I’m no different from the man who missed the cut last week. In fact, he is probably more hungry for a victory than I. So if I am to be competitively ready, I must get my thoughts off yesterday and deal with today. There will be a day when I can take the time to look back. But as long as I want to stay competitive, I must never stop and marvel at what I have accomplished, only look forward to my next challenge at hand.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

CAL ERSKINE
(Isa 26:3 KJV) “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.”
Cal Erskine pitched for the Brooklyn Dodgers and he once held the record for the most strikeouts in a World Series game.  One day, as he pitched against the Yankees, he wondered, “Am I going to have a no-hitter?” His stress gripped him. He was about to lose the game.
He stopped, thought of his church, and he said, “I could feel I was in harmony with God again. That old power came back. Suddenly the ball whizzed past the plate as the umpire said, ‘You’re out!'”
The Bible says, “You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.”
No matter what you do, don’t get tight. Practice the presence of God in your heart, and you’ll experience His peace in your life.

LEFTOVERS

INTERESTING & INSANE WAYS TO SAVE MONEY

A recent competition in New Zealand looking for the thriftiest shopper asked contestants for their best tips for saving money. Replies ranged from the practical to the absurd, maybe these could help you save for gas money:

  • If your microwave is broken, turn it into a litter box

  • Live in a tent

  • “When walking through a store, keep your hands in your pockets at all times.”

  • Cut your own hair

  • Treat pimples with garlic (would this even work?)

  • Boil In-the-bag meals in the dishwasher (again, would this even work?)

  • (And my personal favorite from the list…) Shower with your dog

LIFE… LIVE IT

GADGETS ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND

Want to impress your new girlfriend? Forget the flowers… buy her a nice, shiny, new gadget!

According to research, women don’t want the flowers and candy anymore (sure, now that I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on that junk for the last 20-some years). Girls want gadgets! So instead of shopping at the flower shops and candy stores, a trip to Radio Shack would be a better investment in your relationship. Women were wired up to a machine to gage their reactions to certain gifts, and though the traditional gifts got a good response, it was the high-tech toys that got the best reaction in women. In fact, a majority of the women tested said that their love lives suffered if they did not have their mobile phones or palmtop computers with them. In case you’re wondering what kind of gift to get your best girl, the biggest reaction with women in the study was when they were given a DVD player. ***MARLAR: To maximize the reaction, don’t get the latest chick-flick. Remember… women like gadgets. So try having a DVD copy of Inspector Gadget 2 ready as a follow-up gift!

JUST FOR FUN

GIVE HIM YOUR TITHES

A Michigan prisoner is suing the prison where he is being held for the right to come and go as he pleases. Why? Because he thinks he is the “Messiah”. Yup… he thinks he’s Jesus. Chad De Koven has been in prison for 20 years on armed robbery charges. He argues that he cannot possibly be guilty of robbery because he owns everything on Earth. De Koven has filed 14 similar lawsuits in the past, all of which have been dismissed. ***MARLAR: Where in the bible does it show Jesus using a 44-magnum to get a donation from somebody?

FUN LIST

JUNE IS NATIONAL WEDDINGS MONTH

Ever wonder where those familiar wedding rituals came from? Many customs are as old as love itself, dating back to Roman times or before, according to expert Carley Roney, editor of theknot.com, a wedding-planning web site. For example, the traditional white color of the wedding gown is popular because “in ancient Roman times, white was a color of celebration,” she said. “The tradition of the bride and groom not seeing each other on their wedding day comes from the ancient tradition of the bride not showing her face to the groom at all before the wedding,” said Roney, author of “The Knot Guide to Wedding Vows and Traditions.” Here are the origins of other popular wedding traditions, according to Roney:

  • Carrying the bride over the threshold — An ancient superstition held that evil spirits collected on the threshold of the new home waiting to invade the bride through the soles of her feet, a disaster that could be avoided if she entered in her husband’s arms.

  • The bride’s veil — The centuries-old practice of hiding the bride’s face was intended to preserver her modesty. Romans covered the bride in yellow cloth.

  • Groomsmen — These friends of the groom have been present at weddings since ancient times, when brides were often captured by force and the new husband needed allies to help him fend off her family.

  • The bridal train — The long trailing train on gowns dates back to the Middle Ages when the higher the bride’s social standing, the longer the material she dragged down the aisle.

  • Throwing rice — Grains were thought in ancient times to symbolize fertility, so scattering them over the bridal couple ensured they’d have many children.

  • The wedding ring — Its circular shape is believed to symbolize endless love, Ancient Egyptians began the tradition of placing it on the third finger of the left hand because they believed that the vein in that finger ran directly to the heart.

  • Tossing the bouquet — Centuries ago, wedding guests would tear at the bride’s flowers and clothes to share her happiness, so the bride tossed her bouquet to ensure she got away in one piece.

  • Tossing the garter — The scramble for the bride’s garter dates back to a medieval tradition in which wedding guests invaded the bridal chamber to steal the bride’s stockings for good luck. To avoid this calamity, a groom tossed the garter to his friends.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE RAINBOW CONNECTION

If you want to get people to experience a certain emotion, or be more inclined to do a certain task, it’ll be easier if you surround that person with the appropriate color or colors. 

The latest psychological research says that specific colors can turn on different brain circuits, attracting the perfect attitude for success in any of your endeavors. Here’s how you can use the rainbow:

  1. Red — If you’d like more gratitude for your gifts and appreciation for your abilities, wear clothes in crimson, scarlet or cherry, the brilliant shades of admiration. Neurologists say red is the most vibrant, eye catching color in the rainbow.

  2. Pink — This is the traditional color of romance. Pink encourages a sense of soothing familiarity and relaxation. That’s why so many emergency rooms use pink on their walls. But it’s also a perfect shade for encouraging passion in your closest relationships.

  3. Purple — The color of money isn’t green, it’s violet.  Color expert Antonia Van Der Vesthuizen says, “Bring better finances by keeping a purple plant in a pot somewhere you can see it every day.  As it grows, so will your bank account.” Purple was the color of kings in ancient times, and seems to have a fundamental link to feelings of power and prosperity.

  4. Blue The color of the open sky inspires us to higher things. Keep blue objects in your favorite reading room to turn on your inner wisdom and, scientist say, to switch on the intuitive right side of your brain. “This wavelength of color encourages your brain to work at peak efficiency,” explains psychologist Dr. Allen Thompson.

  5. Green — Harmony follows the color of growing things. Use shades of lime, emerald and jade in your family room at home or conference room at work to bring everyone closer together as a team.

  6. Yellow — Bright objects make everything feel a little sunnier, boosting the feel good brain chemical serotonin and attracting a joyous glow. Need an optimistic mood booster? Use yellow objects everywhere you’d like to feel a little lift.

  7. Silver –– Attract helping hands with shiny things, especially when placed by your doors and windows. Scientists say people associate the color of chrome and coins with a sense of reliability and some experts say it never fails to bring much needed assistance into your life.

  8. White — White is the color of innocence, used to inspire child like imagination in new, powerful, life changing ways.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) If you’re planning on stocking up on sunscreen for summer, remember: Not all products are created equal. According to the Environmental Working Group, 75 percent of the products the organization examined offer inferior sun protection or contain worrisome ingredients such as oxybenzone, a hormone disruptor, or retinyl palmitate, a form of vitamin A that may harm skin. Scary, right? More concerning is the fact that despite growing awareness of the dangers of exposure to the sun’s ultraviolet radiation, melanoma rates have tripled over the past three decades, EWG states. Even with a high-quality sunscreen, the organization advises those who’ll be outdoors to consider wearing protective clothing and taking advantage of shades spots where possible. Take a look at EWG’s recommendations for which products to use — and which to avoid — for a summer that’s healthy for your little ones’ skin.

A big desk, especially in a corner office, is the best sign you have made it in the corporate world. But something quite ominous can happen when executives sit behind those mammoth desks in cavernous offices with lots of room to spread out to work: They are more likely to become greedy. Why? That lush corporate environment in which they work day in and day out makes them feel far more powerful than they have ever felt before. And it’s not just big desks that can cause this. Big car seats do the same, and you don’t have to be a highly-paid top corporate executive to relate to this. You just have to drive an SUV. That’s the word from researchers at Columbia University in New York City, who have concluded that having a sense of power — and big desks or big car seats lead to this — can encourage a range of dishonest behavior. This includes such things as stealing, cheating, lying, unethical behavior, breaking traffic laws and parking illegally. As in, the rules by which the rest of us abide don’t seem to apply to these “big” people.

Penning cheesy poems may not win your intended’s heart but eating cheese can rev up your love life. Pizza Pizza, Canada’s largest chain, insists cheese is an aphrodisiac because it is packed with “phenylethylamine, or PEA, a natural amphetamine that the brain manufactures in response to feelings of love,” the company says. “In fact, cheese contains 10 times the levels of PEA normally found in chocolate.” They say toppings like olives, jalapenos and tomatoes also turn up the bedroom heat, but pale in comparison to cheese.  ***But it is a study conducted by a pizza chain, so they might be just a tad biased.

Here is a fun and easy little trick to be the person everyone likes: Share a laugh. Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time or want to strengthen an existing friendship that has faltered, say something that will make you both laugh. That’s the word from researchers at George Mason University in Fairfax, VA, who analyzed more than 5,500 social interactions and determined that sharing a laugh with someone now is an excellent predictor of social rewards later — whether it be a friendship or a relationship between work colleagues, reports Prevention magazine. While using laughter as a foundation for a healthy relationship is old hat, what’s new about this research is that it focuses on how today’s laugh can impact something that may happen in the future.

Women are chatterboxes, while men are stoically quiet. Right? Wrong! It’s a myth that women talk more than men, according to Abby Kaplan, a professor of linguistics at the University of Utah and the author of “Women Talk More Than Men… And Other Myths about Language Explained.” In fact, the opposite is true. When linguistics researchers have studied men and women in a variety of settings, the common finding is that men talk more than women. However, as with most things, it depends on the situation, how well the people know one another, the nature of the task and the power structure of those involved. Kaplan says the best study on talkativeness involved 400 college students who were each given a recording device to wear for a few days. Everything each student said was recorded. The researchers found there was no difference between the average words per day for men and women.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Brian Valenti is the Florida police officer who attacked Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg on Facebook, saying he hoped the young activist would be hit by a car during a “die-in” protest at Publix! Well, we now know what his punishment will be – a whopping 5-day suspension! Coconut Creek Police Chief Butch Arenal said, “After careful consideration of the adverse impact Officer Valenti’s Facebook post may have had on any of the individuals involved, his deep regret for making the comment, and the damage inflicted upon the Coconut Creek Police Department’s reputation, I have decided to suspend Officer Valenti for a period of five days without pay.” Valenti reportedly told Arenal that he regrets making the comment, which was intended as a joke. He also promised to apologize to Hogg and other participants. (Sun Sentinel)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

To everyone who called asking if (OTHER JOCK) is real–we are still checking on this.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 01, 2018…

Action Point—So you own a broken down amusement park and live on the edge. What can go wrong? This is the life of owner Johnny Knoxville (the “Jackass” films) as he tries to figure out ways is to stay in business. Expect pratfalls and humor as in the old vaudeville days, plus…how in the world did they do those stunts? “Action Point” is rated R. No rating.

American Animals—This rather dark comedy concerns college students who want to steal precious art objects. What is with stealing these days? “Ocean’s 8” opens next week and that’s about a robbery, too. Anyway, this film is set in 2004 and the people are after rare books from a library in Kentucky. Based on a real life event and Evan Peters stars as the real Warren Lipka.  Cast includes  Blake Jenner and Jared Abrahamson. “American Animals” is rated R. No rating.

Adrift—Ready for a survival film?  This one is about what happens after a major hurricane and two people are lost at sea. The couple are Shailene  Woodley and Sam Clafin at a loss. Well there is always the salt water to contend with, plus plenty of wind, and anything else you can think of. Unfortunately, with the major storms happening each year of late, one must be aware on the water. “Adrift” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for boating fans.

A Kid Like Jake—Adapted from the stage play by Daniel Pearle, this story is about a couple (Claire Danes and Jim Parsons) who discover they have a gender-changing child. What to do?  Acceptance or non-acceptance, conform or non-conforming are the issues within the story. Also in in the cast is Leo James Davis. “A Kid Like Jake” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Upgrade—A science fiction film, this story is about a man (Logan Marshall-Green) who can’t walk, but is given this ability through an implant. What happens then? Not celebrate, as he goes after the people who killed his family and thought he was dead. Revenge. Also in the cast is Betty Gabriel. “Upgrade” is rated PG 13. No rating.

JUNE 08, 2018…

Ocean’s 8 is a remake of the”Oceans” films with George Clooney.  This time, the ladies take on the heist. Stars Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor is a documentary on the life of the television favorite, “Mr. Rogers.” Much missed.

Hotel Artemis concerns criminals who come to a certain place for medical attention. Set in a future Los Angeles. Stars Charlie Day and Jodie Foster.

Hereditary is a horror film starring Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Disintegration of a family.

Hearts Beat Loud has Nick Offerman starting a band with his family.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.