June 05, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180605
PDF: 20180605

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

We now interrupt this entertainment to bring you (THE JOCK SHOW)!

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I can truly say I had rather be at Mount Vernon with a friend or two about me than to be attended at the Seat of Government by the Officers of State and the Representatives of every Power in Europe.” – George Washington

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. –Colossians 1:1 NIV

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride, beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of thing has passed away. — Revelation 21:2-4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. — Psalm 107:31

Thought: I’m not sure I can fully comprehend “unfailing love.” To always do the loving thing, whether it’s discipline or reward, fun or pain, I’m not sure I can fully understand it. But I can tell you this: I am eternally grateful for it! It’s not hard to give thanks for a God like ours!

Prayer: Thank you Almighty God for revealing yourself as Abba Father! Thank you for loving me so much that you give me what I need, not what I want or deserve! Thank you for the very many kindnesses and loving deeds you have done for me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Deuteronomy 6:5 NIV = Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 05, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
202 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

NATIONAL HEADACHE AWARENESS WEEK is this week.  ***If you’re not aware that you have a headache, you probably don’t have one.

Today is NATIONAL SHUT UP DAY. ***Yeah right. If I didn’t listen to the boss the other 364 days of the year, what makes anybody think I’d do it today?

Today is CELEBRATE THE HEAT DAY, sponsored by the National Anxiety Center, where they believe there is no global warming and that being warm is great. ***Anyone remember twenty years ago when we were all freaked out about the new ice-age scientists told us was coming? Then they changed their minds and got all panicked about global warming. Now it’s “climate change”. With the next change, I think they should just call it “weather.”

Today is WORLD ENVIRONMENT DAY, sponsored by the UN. ***We should hook these folks up with the people at the National Anxiety Center – that’d be quality entertainment right there!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Apple II Day
Baby Boomers Recognition Day
Beer Pong Day
Festival of Popular Delusions Day
Hot Air Balloon Day
National Moonshine Day
National Veggie Burgers Day
Work@Home Father’s Day
World Environment Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 06

Atheists Pride Day
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
Global Running Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
National Tailors Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 07

(Daniel) Boone Day
VCR Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 08

Banana Split Days
Ghostbusters Day
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Poultry Days
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 09

Belmont Stakes
Companies That Care Day
Donald Duck Day (Birthday)
Family Fitness and Health Day
International Archives Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Earl Baltes Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day

World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
World Gin Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Children’s Sunday
Iced Tea Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Race Unity Day

MONDAY, JUNE 11

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

ON THIS DAY

1895: William Boyd was born. He played Hopalong Cassidy in 66 movies and almost a hundred TV episodes. (audio clip)

1936: Actor Charlie Chaplin announced in Hollywood he was through playing his classic silent movie character, the “little tramp.” Chaplin said, “I can’t make the little tramp talk. He has never talked and will never talk.” ***Charlie didn’t have a lot in common with me.

1957: Singer Dale Hawkins released “Suzy Q.” It peaked at #29 in Billboard. In 1968 the Creedence Clearwater Revival version went to #11.

1960: The Hollywood Argyles, a fake group created by singer Gary Paxton, entered the Billboard Hot 100 with “Alley Oop.” Paxton had acquired the song from Burbank service station attendant Dallas Frazier. The Argyles included Frazier and fellow gas station worker Buddy Mize. Singer Sandy Nelson played the garbage can and did the screaming. When the song hit, Paxton sent a dozen groups on the road, all called The Hollywood Argyles.

1977: Singer Alice Cooper’s boa constrictor was bitten by a live rat it was being fed for breakfast. The snake died.

1977: The Apple II computer, with 4K of memory, went on sale for $1,298. The Apple I had been sold primarily to electronic hobbyists since 1976.

1982: Actress Sophia Loren was released from an Italian jail after serving 17 days for tax evasion.

1989: Toronto’s Sky Dome opened, but the Milwaukee Brewers beat the Blue Jays 5-3.

1993: A New Jersey court ruled that a father had to pay for the legal defense of his two teenage sons, who were charged with trying to hire a hit man to kill him. ***Isn’t that like asking the roaches to pay for the can of Raid?

1993: Singer Conway Twitty died suddenly from an abdominal aneurysm at age 59. His 40 #1 country hits included “Hello Darlin,” “You’ve Never Been This Far Before,” and “After the Fire Is Gone” with Loretta Lynn.

1997: The 280 residents of Nash, Oklahoma, got the word that their policeman had been stolen. To discourage speeders, a mannequin, dressed like a cop, had sat in an old black Chevy Nova with a white star painted on the doors parked on the highway shoulder outside the town for two years. Then, somebody broke the car window and kidnapped him.

1999: Actors Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon were married.

1999: Steffi Graf won her sixth French Open tennis title, beating top-ranked Martina Hingis.

2001: A burglar fell asleep after taking sleeping tablets to calm his nerves during a raid on a hospital pharmacy in Amman, Jordan. The raider took three tablets from the haul of medication he had stolen. He then fell asleep and was later awakened by police.

2004: The U.S.S. Jimmy Carter, the most advanced nuclear submarine in the U.S. Navy, was christened at a shipyard in Groton, Connecticut. With Jimmy grinning ear to ear, Wife Rosalynn broke a bottle of champagne against the sub.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

754: English monk Boniface, missionary to Germany, dies with 50 other Christians in an attack by angry pagans. The missionary, famous for smashing pagan idols, also established a monastery at Fulda that is still the center of Roman Catholicism in Germany.

988: Rus’s Grand Prince Vladimir orders his people to be baptized into the Orthodox Christian faith. He personally oversaw the baptism of the majority of the population of Kiev, the capital of his realm.

1191: England’s Richard I (the Lion-hearted) of England sets sail for Muslim-controlled Acre in the Third Crusade. After helping Philip II, king of France, capture the city, Richard took Jaffa and negotiated Christian access to Jerusalem, also Muslim-controlled.

1305: Bertrand de Got, who as Pope Clement V (1305-1314) moved the seat of papal power to Avignon, France, is born in Villandraut, France.

1414: Bohemian reformer Jan Hus appears before the Council of Constance. Instead of allowing him to state his beliefs, the council only permitted him to answer trumped-up charges of heresy. Hus was condemned and burned the following July.

1661: English mathematician and physicist Isaac Newton is admitted as a student to Trinity College, Cambridge. But the “greatest scientific genius the world has ever known” actually spent less of his life studying science than theology, writing 1.3 million words on biblical subjects.

1818: The Society for Promoting the Gospel among Seamen is organized in New York.

1865: Rev. Sabine Baring-Gould listened quietly when his composition, “Onward Christian Soldiers”, was performed for the first time in Horbury, England.

1942: Bandits hack to death 60 women and children in Burma for protecting the British; headmistress Daw Pwa Sein dies nobly.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Gilmore Girls,” “ER”) Liza Weil 41 (audio clip)

  • actor (End of the Spear, “Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman”) Chad Allen 44 (audio clip)

  • rapper-actor (The Italian Job, Planet of the Apes, Rock Star, I Heart Huckabees, The Perfect Storm) “Marky” Mark Wahlberg 47

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1922 : Gordon “Specs” Powell

1925 : Bill Hayes

1932 : Pete Jolly

1941 : Floyd Butler (The Friends Of Distinction)

1945 : Don Reid (The Statler Brothers)

1946 : Freddie Stone (Sly and the Family Stone)

1947 : Laurie Anderson

1947 : Tom Evans (Badfinger)

1950 : Ronnie Dyson

1954 : Nicko McBrain (Iron Maiden)

1954 : Pete Erskine (Weather Report)

1956 : Richard Butler (The Psychedelic Furs)

1956 : Kenny G

1969 : Brian McKnight

1970 : Clause Noreen (Aqua)

1971 : Marky Mark

1974 : Aaron “P-Nut” Wills (311)

1981 : Sebastien Lefebvre (Simple Plan)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do colored shampoos always produce white suds?

Since taking a shower isn’t the most interesting thing you will do during the day, there out to be at least something intriguing going on while the water’s running. For many people this is it, and I hope that this mundane explanation won’t stop you from fantasizing more fanciful reasons. There is not much dye in the shampoo to begin with–just enough to color the light passing through the liquid when it’s in the bottle. So when it comes down to the suds–bunches of very thin bubbles–the coloring agent is present in tiny quantities. But more than that, the color of the suds comes mostly from the overhead light it’s reflecting, which is likely to be white in the first place. Oh, I suppose we could get deeper into the science of optics, but let’s not split hairs.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A British man getting ready to have breakfast one recent morning got a shock when a three-foot-long snake slithered out of a cereal box and into his dishwasher.  ***The cereal companies are really running out of ideas for prizes inside the boxes, aren’t they?

A woman in the UK ordered food to be delivered to her home just so the delivery person would help her remove a spider. She tweeted: “My fear of spiders was taken to a whole new level today… I ordered food in a hope that the delivery driver would remove the spider.” Thankfully, delivery guy Joe was able to come to her rescue.  ***Certain locations of Domino’s Pizza are now offering 30-minutes-or-less exterminations.

A Florida woman found Jesus Christ on a horseshoe crab shell last month. Cathy Rader said a friend gave her the shell after he found it on Canaveral National Seashore in New Smyrna Beach. Rader said the image kept getting lighter as each day passed and started to resemble a Rembrandt picture of Jesus Christ, bringing her to tears.  ***Then again, those tears might just be an allergic reaction to shellfish.

Harry and Meghan had to return $9.3 million worth of wedding gifts because of British government guidelines.  ***They had to give away $9.3-million?!?!  That right there is reason enough to disavow British royalty and apply for citizenship in America.

Montel Williams was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance on Wednesday after he “overdid it” at the gym. ***If you’re being carted to a hospital after working out, it might be time to ask a personal trainer what you’re doing wrong.

A study says men with high testosterone levels are less likely to be religious.  ***Right.  So… I love Jesus because I need hormone treatments?  I have yet to come across that passage in my Bible.

Revlon has named their first female CEO in their 86-year history, Debra Perelman. ***Really?  So a female-targeted company has only had men running it for the past 86 years?  Were they all closet transvestites?

Matt LeBlanc says he has one more season of “Top Gear” in him and then he’s done.  ***But then, it’s Matt LeBlanc – so lasting only one or two seasons is pretty much par for the course.

Tom Cruise tipped off that the filming for the “Top Gun” sequel is underway.  ***Unfortunately, it has been 32 years since the first film and he’s too old to convincingly play “Maverick” – so they’ve changed his call-sign to “Methuselah”.

Kanye West held a listening party in Jackson, Wyoming, Thursday night for his 8th studio album. Among those attending: Chris Rock, Jonah Hill and wife Kim Kardashian-West. ***He wanted to invite more people than that, but there was no room once Kim got her butt through the door.

The nuclear reactor at Three Mile Island will reportedly be shut down in 2019. ***Raise your hands if you already thought it was. Yep. Me too.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Social networks such as Twitter may blunt people’s sense of reality, claim brain scientists. New evidence shows the digital explosion of information from networking sites could have long-term damaging effects on the emotional development of young people’s brains. The danger is that heavy Twitters and Facebook users could become indifferent to the emotions of people. ***You mean they’ll become Kanye West?

Psychology researcher Felix Warneken discovered that babies develop altruism at around 18 months. He did household tasks in front of 24 different toddlers. Every time he knocked over a book or dropped a clothespin, the toddler would quickly crawl over, pick up the object, and hand it back. He never asked for help or said “thank you” because he didn’t want to influence their behavior. But he found that the babies only helped when he appeared to accidentally drop something and needed help, not when it looked like he did it on purpose. ***Yet they never, NEVER picked up their OWN toys.

Genetically engineered mosquitoes could help eradicate malaria. The students in Anthony James’s insectary at the University of California, Irvine, have genetically engineered mosquitoes that carry genes that stop the malaria parasite from growing. ***How about we just come up with a way to rid the world of mosquitos? Wouldn’t that be a better plan?

The journal Nature reports that researchers in Zurich, Switzerland, have found a musician whose brain “wires” are crossed in such a way that she senses tastes when she hears music. For instance, a minor third tastes salty to her, a minor second chord is sour, and a major third tastes sweet. ***That’s weird, because I’m the exact opposite. I hear today’s pop music and taste bile.

Half the nation’s overweight teens have unhealthy blood pressure, cholesterol or blood sugar levels that put them at risk for future heart attacks and other cardiac problems, federal research says. And an even larger proportion of obese adolescents have such a risk, according to the alarming new numbers. “What this is saying, unfortunately, is that we’re losing the battle early with many kids,” said Dr. Stephen Daniels, a University of Colorado School of Medicine expert. ***Most health experts believe the solution is to somehow find a way for teenagers to burn calories simply by logging in to Snapchat.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Rita the Skunk, was in jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet. Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet. Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds. Racquet has apologized to everyone, but they are all still in jail… and working on a plan to break out!

CLOSE: Tune in again next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Sometimes it’s a good idea to MapQuest your work day.

A helpful hint if you happen to work for a construction/demolition company. When you are hired to knock down a house, the most important thing to know is the house’s address. A contractor hired to demolish a house in Arkansas didn’t know this and accidentally knocked down the wrong one. Johnny Mack Richardson, of Richardson Environmental and Excavating Services, said that they were sitting on the street and made a call to City Hall. They asked City Hall if they were at the right house. Johnny Mack was told it was the house that was covered by trees. Evidently there were two houses that were covered by trees.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A “NO FRILLS” AIRLINE

10. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

9. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

8. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

7. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

2. You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man is stopped for speeding and reading the newspaper at the same time… at 155mph!

FILE #1: A man was stopped by police after driving 155mph on a German freeway–while checking the financial page in a newspaper. He told traffic police: ‘I was just checking on my stocks and shares. I wasn’t reading a big feature or anything.’ The driver faces a $100 fine and a three-month license suspension.

FILE #2: Being caught and surrounded by an entire rugby team may just be one of a purse-snatcher’s worst nightmares. And yet, it happened for real to a man who snatched a woman’s purse in the northern Italian city of Bologna. The snatching happened close to a hotel where two rugby teams were about to hold a news conference. The pickpocket was spotted by two team members who ran after him. He ran and sought refuge in a kindergarten classroom, which was quickly surrounded by the whole Benetton rugby team. The man was arrested a few minutes later by police.

FILE #3: A Wisconsin man, who has been spending his days barking at the neighbor’s dog, is facing charges after he threatened to shoot it when it barked back at him. 42 year old Michael VanKauwenberg is alleged to have gone on to threaten the dog’s owner, as well as the authorities. VanKauwenberg was eventually arrested when he surrendered after a 4-hour standoff.

STRANGE LAW: In Indiana baths may not be taken between the months of October and March. ***Boy, I bet the Holidays really stink!

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Can you get drunk, from kissing?

17-year-old Gianna Vigliotti of Manhasset, New York, was pulled over by police after she swerved her car Friday night. The cop said her speech was slurred, there were four full beer bottles under her car seat and an empty beer can in her purse, and she blew a .15 blood alcohol level on the Breathalyzer, twice the legal limit. But Gianna is pleading not guilty, and she has an excuse: She claims she wasn’t drinking, but she’d been kissing a boy who was drunk.  ***MARLAR: Aaaaand he threw up in her mouth.

PHONER PHUN

It appears that spam accounts for more than 80 percent of Internet traffic. While most of us (78%) delete spam, some (20%) Americans actually click on it, read it, and then buy something advertised in it. Have you ever bought anything from a spam e-mail? Did you get what was promised, or did you get robbed?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who did Jesus call a “fox”?
ANSWER: Herod (Luke 13:31-32)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Doctors say people with pet fish do this easier than people who don’t – what is it?

ANSWER: Fall asleep

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The first Cadillac was produced in 1903 and cost less that a Model T Ford. (True)

2. Super villain, Bane, once broke Batman’s back, leaving him crippled and wheelchair-bound. (True)

3. Chris Angel is most famous for making the Statue of Liberty disappear, levitating over the Grand Canyon, and walking through the Great Wall of China. (False, that was David Copperfield)

4. The Chevrolet Impala sold more than one million units in 1965, setting a record that still stands today. (True)

5. The VW Bug was the first car to come equipped with anti-lock brakes. (False, it was the 1966 Jensen FF)

6. In Sleeping Beauty, the cookies that the fairies eat with tea are shaped like clouds. (False, they were shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head and ears)

7. Donald Duck has been known to fight crime as the costumed superhero, Mighty Duck. (False, Super Duck)

8. If you are drinking “Darjeeling”, you are drinking a type of fruit juice. (False, Tea)

9. About 1 out of every 20 Americans suffers from stress. (False, 1 in 20 Americans have phobias)

10. Aretha Franklin has the fear of flying. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

___________ TO CHARGE USERS! (FACEBOOK)

 Facebook has reportedly announced a bold new plan – charging users?

Mark Zuckerberg reportedly announced that there will be a host of new changes to Facebook.

Pressure from angry users (and shareholders) has been too much and Facebook is looking at an alternative, something that will persuade Mark Zuckerberg to keep the site profitable:  his social media platform is going to start charging users!

According to sources outside the company, Facebook is planning a subscription-based service with monthly fees starting at $0.99 for a basic “friendship” which allows for the posting of text and just one profile picture.  This fee will increase, depending on the number of friends you have, the messages posted and sent, and the pictures/videos/ games put on a user’s page.  The monthly fee will be capped at $50.00 per month at the high-end.

Bottom line:  the more you use Facebook, the more you will pay.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.
A ways down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer. Then he remembered, “I have a priest in the truck. I can’t run down this lawyer,” and at the last second he swerved to miss the lawyer.
But he heard a thump outside anyway. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn’t see anything.
He turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”
And the priest said, “Don’t worry my son, I got him with my door.”

JOKE #2

A dad and his young son were in the garden digging for worms for fishing bait. Uncovering a many-legged creature, the boy proudly dangled it in front of his dad’s face. The dad said, “No, son, he won’t do for bait because he’s not an earthworm.”

“He’s not?” the boy asked with wide eyes. “What planet is he from?”

JOKE #3

David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.

The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?”

“Not too late, Dad.” she replied nervously.

Dead-panned, her father said, “Really?  Well then, my precious one, I’ll have to ask the paperboy to please not place the paper under the front tire of the car anymore.”

USELESS FACTS

Big city dog owners are excited about a product that allows dogs to do their business without having to go outside. Basically, it’s a giant litter box called “The Pet Loo.” ***It also comes in handy for young adults having “Lord of the Rings” trilogy parties.

Former U.S. President Franklin Pierce was arrested during his term as President for running over an old lady with his horse, but the charges were later dropped. ***Despite the uprising of complaints from Mothers Against Drunk Horsebacking.

FEATURED FUNNIES

FINEST EQUIPMENT

Morris had been playing golf for years and he had the finest golfing equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.
As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend Sam asked.
“I’ve never had an old ball,” Morris said.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

STUNNING COURTROOM

In San Francisco it is now illegal to use a stun belt against someone in court for talking.

…Which means that, at one time, it was LEGAL to do so! In fact, it was taking place at a Long Beach court in California! A defendant kept interrupting the judge in the case, so the judge had the defendant shocked with a 50,000-volt stun belt. The defendant is now afraid to say anything in court for fear of being shocked. I think that was the intention of the judge. But now it’s illegal to do that kind of thing to a defendant.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TO REMEMBER ME

Author: Robert N. Test

The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped. When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don’t call this my deathbed, let it be called the Bed of Life and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby’s face or love in the eyes of a women. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my blood to the teen-ager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk. Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday, a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window. Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man. Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God. If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A CONGRESS ON HOSPITALITY

READ: Romans 12:6-13

Be kindly affectionate to one another . . . , given to hospitality. —Romans 12:10,13

Let me be the first to summon the church to a National Congress on Hospitality. We could hold it in Minneapolis near the Betty Crocker Kitchens, and perhaps we could borrow the Pillsbury Doughboy as our symbol. After all, there’s some truth to the slogan, “Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven.”

The biblical word for hospitality means “a love of strangers.” Some-times people who visit our churches feel unwelcome. No one greets them or notices them. Hospitality, however, can break down barriers and build bridges. It can make strangers feel more welcome than just a word in the church bulletin.

For those tempted to shrug off my call for a Congress on Hospitality because they are planning another evangelistic outreach, let me insist that hospitality doesn’t conflict with outreach; it complements it! Inviting someone in for coffee, offering to babysit, taking a meal to a sick mother—all these show that we care. And people listen to someone who cares.

On second thought, I withdraw my call for a National Congress on Hospitality. Instead, let’s invite a few lonely folks to our homes and show them genuine Christian hospitality. —Haddon W. Robinson

The good we do is never lost,
Each kindly act takes root;
And every bit of love we sow
In time will bear its fruit.  —Anon.

Christian hospitality is the bridge between an open heart and an open home.

LEFTOVERS

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE INSTANTLY SMARTER?

Here’s a scientifically proven way to make your home office smarter and by extension, make yourself smarter. Get a plant. Put it nearby. Keep it alive. Pretty simple, but effective. Researchers (Norwegian University of Life Sciences) say participants working in a room with plants improved their performance, while those in the room without plants did not. ***MARLAR: So… vegetables keep you from becoming a vegetable!

LIFE… LIVE IT

Want to save money? Unplug the TV and video games!

If your energy bills are on the upswing, there’s some pretty simple things you can do to bring them down. It turns out that those videogame consoles and plasma flat-screen TVs eat up some major current. In an Australian study, the game consoles and plasma TV’s topped a list of 16 electronic devices in energy consumption. Even leaving a Playstation 3 on while not in use would cost almost five times more than it would take to run a refrigerator. They say the plasma TV’s eat up four times more power than a traditional television.

JUST FOR FUN

BEARY SCARY

Looking for an excuse to play golf instead of mow the lawn? Maybe a fear of bears could be your answer!

…Talk to Rodney Therrien. A bear charged the Salem, New York, man while he was cutting his grass. Therrien was on his Troy-Built riding mower when the bear came barreling out of the woods and made a bee-line straight for him. Therrien figured he was dead. He says he knew he couldn’t out-run the big bear with his little mower. So Therrien says he decided to show the bear who was boss. He opened the mower full-tilt and headed straight for the charging animal. The bear turned tail and ran. But the run-in didn’t do anything for Therrien’s high blood pressure. He says he’s had it with mowing and doesn’t care if the grass grows as tall as the trees.

FUN LIST

IF ONLY LIFE COULD BE LIKE A COMPUTER

  • If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

  • To get your daily exercise, just click on “run.” If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

  • Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

  • To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

  • To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

  • To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

  • If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

  • When you loose your car keys, click on find.

  • “Help” with the chores is just a click away by using the “Help” button.

  • Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

  • And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on it’s way to you.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

IS IT OKAY TO ASK A CO-WORKER OUT ON A DATE?

Well, it depends on your company’s policies. But if there are no written rules against it, according to experts, it’s perfectly fine… but there are some unwritten rules that you’ll want to follow because of the underlying threat of harassment.  CareerRamblings.com offers six office dating do’s and don’ts:

  1. Do not repeatedly ask the same co-worker to go on a date if he or she has said no even one time. No means no. Period. Move on.

  2. Do get to know your potential date well before you ever go out. Sharing the same work environment means there are far more potential consequences if the date goes bad. As much as possible, know what you’re getting into.

  3. Do start out slowly. If you take things slowly in the beginning, the chances of a bad ending are lessened.

  4. Do agree to set up relationship rules. Here’s an example: No flirting at work.

  5. Do not be afraid to talk about sexual harassment. Be open and honest with each other by candidly discussing the issues on your mind–even those that might be a bit scary to address out loud.

  6. Do be ready to address the rumors in the office! Gossip thrives in every workplace, large or small. Be prepared to address the rumors with your employer. Tell the truth and promise you will keep your relationship professional when you’re at work. If you make your employer feel comfortable with the relationship, all should be fine.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) As summer gets underway this month, time outdoors brings more owies. Luckily, there are easy fixes for the season’s most common aches. Bee sting: Scrape away the stinger with a credit card. Don’t use tweezers since this will cause the venom to spread. Apply a baking soda and water paste for 20 minutes. Follow with an ice pack and an antihistamine, like Benadryl. If you notice any difficulty in breathing, call 911 immediately. Poison ivy: Wash the area with soap or alcohol based antibacterial gel. Apply a topical remedy such as calamine lotion or a corticosteroid. Sunburn: Vinegar has antiseptic properties that kill germs and relieve pain and blisters. Fill a spray bottle with apple cider vinegar and mist all affected areas. Use a vinegar dipped cotton ball to soothe a sunburned face.

How many times do you toss out your credit card receipts without even thinking about it? After all, only the last four digits of your credit card number appear on them. What can anyone do with just that information? Apparently, a lot. CreditCards.com warns consumers to treat their credit card receipts as though they carry sensitive information. Scam artists who get hold of your receipts can use those last four digits of your credit card number to try to get the other numbers. They do this by tracking down your phone number, calling you and phishing for the rest of it — perhaps posing as your credit card issuer or utility company and asking for the full credit card number to verify an account. Just remember this important fact: Your credit card company will never call you on the phone and ask you to provide the entire card number. If anyone else does this, it’s a scam. Hang up. Also, shred your credit card receipts when you no longer need them.

Whether it’s black or green, a daily cup of tea may help you to live longer. How? It soothes your heart. Regular tea drinkers not only have fewer heart attacks than those who don’t drink tea, but also have less calcium buildup in their arteries. Coffee vs. tea: Which one is actually better for you? The study found that those who consumed just one cup of tea a day were 35 percent less likely to have a heart attack or other major cardiovascular event, compared to nondrinkers. Those who drank between one and three cups of tea daily were less likely to have calcium buildup in the coronary arteries of the heart. Calcium deposits have been linked to heart disease and stroke.

If you want to avoid a blowup with your spouse, boss or pals then walk on eggshells around them on Thursdays. A study found that folks are at their most furious that day of the week. Researchers say anger starts to grow on Monday, peaks on Thursday and peters out on Friday. “We’re not really sure exactly why Thursday, but people’s bad moods build from Monday until then,” says Professor Alan Mislove of Boston’s Northeastern University. “On Friday, it seems people’s moods change and they become happier until Sunday, when the cycle starts over again.”

At your next dinner, remember this suggestion from Cornell University: Keep the serving dishes away from the table. Researchers found that when people served themselves from the kitchen counter or the stove, they ate up to 35 percent less food than they did when the grub was nearby. When there’s distance between us and our food, the scientists theorize, we think harder about whether we’re really hungry for more.  ***Where was this info when I needed it before Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners?!?!?!

A study in “Social Psychology Quarterly” found that monogamous men have higher IQs than cheaters do. Experts conjecture that it’s easier for smarter dudes to overcome their primal drive to procreate and to honor a commitment. ***So be smart and don’t cheat.  Or don’t cheat and be smart.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

It took technology to save one young woman from the terror of a backwards world. According to British court documents, a young teenage girl’s family pressured her to travel from their home in Leeds to Bangladesh for what was supposed to be a vacation. But shortly after she arrived, she was told by her father that he had selected a husband for her – her cousin. The plan was for the teen and her cousin to have a child, which would have enabled him to get a British visa. But the girl had a plan of her own. She alerted a boyfriend her parents were unaware she had back in the UK using WhatsApp. The boyfriend contacted police, and the girl and her sister also reached out to the British High Commission and communicated her location using screenshots of the phone’s location settings. British officials in Bangladesh worked with local authorities to rescue her and bring her back to the UK. The court heard testimony that the father had threatened to kill the teen (slit her throat and “chop her up”) if she refused the marriage! Her parents were arrested and after a three-week trial found guilty of forced marriage and one count of using violence or coercion to force a marriage. They will be sentenced June 18 and could face considerable prison time. The boyfriend, meanwhile, is being hailed as a hero and a bit of a prince charming! (BBC)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“Happy graduation” to all of you seniors; you are now ready to join the rest of us out there in the mainstream of life. You have our deepest sympathies.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 01, 2018…

Action Point—So you own a broken down amusement park and live on the edge. What can go wrong? This is the life of owner Johnny Knoxville (the “Jackass” films) as he tries to figure out ways is to stay in business. Expect pratfalls and humor as in the old vaudeville days, plus…how in the world did they do those stunts? “Action Point” is rated R. No rating.

American Animals—This rather dark comedy concerns college students who want to steal precious art objects. What is with stealing these days? “Ocean’s 8” opens next week and that’s about a robbery, too. Anyway, this film is set in 2004 and the people are after rare books from a library in Kentucky. Based on a real life event and Evan Peters stars as the real Warren Lipka.  Cast includes  Blake Jenner and Jared Abrahamson. “American Animals” is rated R. No rating.

Adrift—Ready for a survival film?  This one is about what happens after a major hurricane and two people are lost at sea. The couple are Shailene  Woodley and Sam Clafin at a loss. Well there is always the salt water to contend with, plus plenty of wind, and anything else you can think of. Unfortunately, with the major storms happening each year of late, one must be aware on the water. “Adrift” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for boating fans.

A Kid Like Jake—Adapted from the stage play by Daniel Pearle, this story is about a couple (Claire Danes and Jim Parsons) who discover they have a gender-changing child. What to do?  Acceptance or non-acceptance, conform or non-conforming are the issues within the story. Also in in the cast is Leo James Davis. “A Kid Like Jake” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Upgrade—A science fiction film, this story is about a man (Logan Marshall-Green) who can’t walk, but is given this ability through an implant. What happens then? Not celebrate, as he goes after the people who killed his family and thought he was dead. Revenge. Also in the cast is Betty Gabriel. “Upgrade” is rated PG 13. No rating.

JUNE 08, 2018…

Ocean’s 8 is a remake of the”Oceans” films with George Clooney.  This time, the ladies take on the heist. Stars Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor is a documentary on the life of the television favorite, “Mr. Rogers.” Much missed.

Hotel Artemis concerns criminals who come to a certain place for medical attention. Set in a future Los Angeles. Stars Charlie Day and Jodie Foster.

Hereditary is a horror film starring Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Disintegration of a family.

Hearts Beat Loud has Nick Offerman starting a band with his family.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.