June 06, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180606
PDF: 20180606

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Gee, I can hardly keep my eyes open this morning. Anybody got any Scotch tape?

I may not know what I’m talking about, but as I always say, “I’d rather be wrong than quiet.”

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), the only program in radio that is close-captioned for the mentally-impaired.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“The truth is that all men having power ought to be mistrusted.” – James Madison

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.  –Hebrews 12:14 (NIV)

Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. — 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. — Hebrews 13:7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless. — Ecclesiastes 5:10

Thought: We have examples of those who used their wealth wisely and who generously blessed others and honored God in the process — but the New Testament repeatedly warns us about our desire for wealth. Unrestrained, this desire can become our god and lead us to ruin. It can become full-fledged idolatry. Chasing after wealth is just another vain attempt to make life meaningful. In the last two verses of Ecclesiastes, the Wise Man reveals where true meaning is found and explains what Paul means when he says, “Godliness with contentment is great wealth.”

Prayer: Almighty and generous Father, thank you for blessing me so richly. Please fill my heart with your generosity so that I can be a conduit of blessing to those in need around me. Guard my heart from greed, selfishness, and envy so that I may receive your gifts with thanks and share them with joy. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Timothy 6:6 NIV = But godliness with contentment is great gain.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JUNE 06, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
201 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is ROLLER COASTER DAY, marking operation of the first roller coaster at Brooklyn’s Coney Island on this date in 1884. ***Then there is the roller coaster of my job. I hate my job… I love my job… I hate my job… I love my job… the boss is mad at me… the boss is mad at me… the boss is mad at me… the boss is mad at me… (audio clip)

Today is NATIONAL COW DAY in Norway. ***Celebrate at a Chik-Fil-A near you.

It’s NATIONAL APPLESAUCE CAKE DAY. ***How do you shape applesauce into a cake anyway?

Today is NATIONAL TAILORS DAY. ***I’m losing weight and inches, but I really can’t afford to keeping buying new clothes. So… can they “take-in” underwear?

Today is REJECTED HOLIDAYS DAY. ***Every day we go through some of the strange holidays that are being celebrated – and as weird as some of them sound, somebody had to approve them in order for us to talk about them.  That means that there are also holidays that never were approved, or were rejected for one reason or another.  We have a partial list of some of those rejected holidays.

  • National Don’t Pick That Scab Day

  • National Nose Hair Awareness Day

  • National Floss with Pride Day

  • Mulch Appreciation Day

  • Uncontrollable Facial Tic Day

  • National Bugs That Are Small Enough To Fly Up Inside Your Ear and Get Stuck There Awareness Day

TODAY IS ALSO…

Atheists Pride Day
D-Day
Drive-in Movie Day
Global Running Day
National Eyewear Day
National Higher Education Day
National Tailors Day
Russian Language Day
YoYo Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, JUNE 07

(Daniel) Boone Day
VCR Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 08

Banana Split Days
Ghostbusters Day
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Poultry Days
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 09

Belmont Stakes
Companies That Care Day
Donald Duck Day (Birthday)
Family Fitness and Health Day
International Archives Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Earl Baltes Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day

World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
World Gin Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Children’s Sunday
Iced Tea Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Race Unity Day

MONDAY, JUNE 11

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 12

Call Your Doctor Day
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
Loving Day
National Jerky Day
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
Superman Day
Victims of Orlando, Florida Attack Day
World Day Against Child Labor
World Pet Memorial Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13

Brain Injury Awareness Day
International Albinism Awareness Day
Random Acts of Light
Roller Coaster Day

ON THIS DAY

1872: Susan B. Anthony led a group of women to register and vote in a Rochester, New York, election. She was arrested, tried, and sentenced to pay a fine. She refused to pay and was released by a judge who was afraid she’d appeal to a higher court.

1882: Henry W. Seely of New York City patented the electric iron. ***Sadly, his customers had to continually endure painful burns until 1885 when he eventually invented the ironing board.

1933: Richard Hollingshead opened the world’s first drive-in movie on 10 acres off Wilson Boulevard in Camden, New Jersey. The screen was 40 by 30 feet. Admission was 25 cents per car plus another quarter for each passenger.

1946: Actor Henry Morgan became the first man to take off his shirt on television.

1960: Roy Orbison released “Only the Lonely.”

1962: The Beatles auditioned for producer George Martin at EMI Records in London. They already had been turned down by Decca. EMI signed the group a month later.

1971: After 23 years “The Ed Sullivan Show” was cancelled. Gladys Knight and the Pips were the last musical guests.

1973: The world’s tallest totem pole, 173 feet, was raised at Alert Bay, British Columbia.

1978: The news magazine “20/20” premiered on ABC-TV. It was a disaster. Variety compared it to The National Enquirer. After the first week, co-hosts Harold Hayes and Robert Hughes were replaced by Hugh Downs.

1992: A pyramid of 45 members of an Indian army motorcycle team rode eight motorcycles 874 yards at Bangalore, India, for a Guinness World Record.

1992: Pete Townshend won a Tony for Best Original Score for the Broadway production of Tommy.

1994: Park worker Don Hughes in Baltimore saw 18-month-old Lydell Craig perched on a third-floor window ledge and rushed across the street just in time to catch the toddler flying head-first toward the sidewalk. The child was not hurt. ***Until out of habit the former football player spiked the baby.

1996: Hungary’s Arpad Nick set a world record at the Budapest airport by pulling a 17-ton airplane 36 feet with his teeth.

2001: New Zealand actor Jeff Knight stole the show at Christchurch’s Court Theater by dashing off to witness the birth of his daughter in between scenes of Shakespeare’s Othello — and returned in time to end the play. Soon after the play began, Knight got word his wife Lisa had gone into labor. After the speedy birth of his third child, both mom and daughter were doing great, so his wife told him to get back to the theater.

2004: Phylicia Rashad, starring in a revival of “A Raisin in the Sun,” became the first black actress to win a Tony award for a leading dramatic role.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1654: Christina, Queen of Sweden, abdicates her throne and joins the Roman Catholic Church. She spent the rest of her life engaged in religious thought (though she twice attempted to resume the crown).

1844: The Young Men’s Christian Association, the YMCA, was founded in London.

1932: German Christians who refuse to accept Nazi theories publish their “Guiding Principles.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Vinnie on “Doogie Howser M.D.”) Max Casella 51 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Sideways, The Cinderella Man) Paul Giamatti, 51

  • Actress (“Max Headroom,” Leviathan) Amanda Pays 59 (audio clip)

  • Comedian (“Saturday Night Live”) Colin Quinn, 59 (audio clip)

  • actress/comedian Sandra Bernhard 63

  • Actor (Freddie Kruger in the original Nightmare on Elm Street movies) Robert Englund, 69 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1936 : Levi Stubbs (The Four Tops)

1939 : Gary “U.S.” Bonds

1942 : Howie Kane (Jay and the Americans)

1943 : Joe Stampley

1944 : Peter Albin (Big Brother & the Holding Company)

1944 : Edgar Froese (Tangerine Dream)

1944 : Monty Alexander

1947 : Terry Williams (Dire Straits)

1951 : Dwight Twilley

1960 : Steve Vai

1970 : James Shaffer (KoRn)

1974 : Uncle Kracker

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How does bulletproof glass stop a bullet?

“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw rocks.” Don’t believe it. With bulletproof glass you can throw rocks, have a professional wrestler head-butt it, or go for your gun and plug a pane or two. The glass may crack but it probably won’t break. They most often make this glass by bonding alternate layers of glass and certain plastics in a kind of sandwich. This structure has the physical property of absorbing a bullet’s momentum, dispersing its destructive force before it can break all the way through. Heating and then chilling it can also make a super-strong bulletproof glass. If that doesn’t work, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can catch the bullet with his teeth.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Kim Jong-un wants the U.S. to pay his hotel bill for the upcoming summit with Donald Trump.  ***That’s gotta be a slap in the face to Trump, seeing as Kim won’t be staying at one of Donald’s hotels.

Bill Clinton is insisting he doesn’t owe Monica Lewinsky an apology, and says HE’S the victim because the legal fallout left him $16-million in debt.  ***Exactly what you’d expect from a sociopath.  A sociopath currently worth $80-million, living in a house valued at over $2-million.

Lindsay Lohan has launched her own jewelry line. ***The jewelry is very impressive and desirable in the beginning, but then quickly loses its luster and longs for the days when it was relevant.

An Ohio man called 911 recently to report that a pig was following him.  ***Which is really stupid if you think about it; one of the derogatory terms for police officers is “pigs”.  So you’re calling 911 to have a pig sent to investigate you being followed by a pig.

There’s a group of White House staffers who reportedly compose some of President Trump’s tweets to intentionally include grammatical and spelling errors in an effort to mimic Trump’s style.  ***Okay, no matter whose account it is, if you are paying people to compose tweets for you – you are waaaay too concerned about Twitter.

Good news for Sheboygan, Wisconsin. A repeat offender who deliberately clogged dozens of public toilets in Deland Park has finally been caught and arrested. For over two years, the 33-year-old man would stuff empty soft drink bottles into the toilets, leaving them completely blocked and unusable. Police were tipped off by a citizen and finally caught the guy. Police said he had damaged a women’s bathroom at a Michigan community center at least 30 times in the past two years. ***Well… you’d think a MAN entering the WOMEN’S restroom might’ve been their first clue that something was suspicious.

In England, some new parents regret to inform us that their baby’s very first word was, “Alexa!”  ***Which is adorable – until you find out later that the baby accidentally ordered a rush-delivery of an exotic kitty cat to your door.

A report says Joel Osteen’s church has a $90-million annual budget.  ***Although that amount gets cut in half if you don’t count the hair care products.

Could orange juice provide a bigger boost than energy drinks? Korean office workers who were given a high dose of intravenous vitamin C were less tired than those who received a placebo, especially if they were low in C before the treatment.  ***Well yeah – it’s INTRAVENOUS Vitamin C.  Give me intravenous Redbull and I can guarantee there’s going to be a difference!

President Reagan’s daughter, Patty Davis, says that her dad would be “appalled and heartbroken” at the Trump presidency. ***Hey – what a coincidence!  So are the Trump haters!

What strikes fear in the hearts of men? Proposing to their sweethearts. In fact, a recent survey shows that popping the question ranks just below swimming with sharks. The idea of proposing was more frightening to men than jumping out of airplanes, going for a job interview or wearing an opponent’s jersey at a sporting event. In the final analysis, swimming with sharks ranked scariest among 28% of the men polled while proposing came in a close second with 23%. ***Which makes perfect sense – either way you are at great risk of getting your head bitten off.

Johnny Depp’s emaciated appearance lately has fans worried about his health. ***And I’m not buying his excuse that he’s just going “method” to play one of the skeletons in an upcoming “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel.

Australia’s supermarket giants, Woolworth’s and Coles, have banned plastic straws and plastic wrap from 80 different fruits and vegetables.  ***Who uses a straw to eat their fruits and vegetables?

Aaron Rodgers has been given an honorary doctorate from the Medical College of Wisconsin.  ***You can get an honorary degree from a medical school?  Does that mean you can operate on patients – or only honorary patients?

Kanye West confirms on his new album that he is bipolar.  ***Which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one.

A new report says the divorce rate of people 50 and older has doubled since the 1990s.  ***That might be due to the longer life expectancies of adults.  ”Till death do us part” used to mean kicking the bucket in your late 40s.  “I didn’t know I’d have to live with you THIS long!”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Turn on your TV during prime time and you’ll inevitably see a load of celebrity faces, ranging from Oscar winners to “Wasn’t that the guy in that show we watched that one time?” Attaching a star to a brand is something that advertisers have been doing for many decades. But science says that people just don’t care, and that it may have a negative impact on the brand the celebrity is pushing. ***Which means you’re much better off having an average joe pitch your project. So please contact my agent if you’re interested in hiring me to endorse your product!

Junk food: bad for your waistline, bad for your relationship. It may be fun to wolf down a value meal with your sweetie, but what follows may not be pretty. Researchers discovered that meals high in saturated fats resulted in a greater increase in stress hormones and more inflammation during heated discussions. ***Especially if those discussions revolve around being upset that your significant other is fat and wasting too much money on junk food.

Nevada has introduced syringe vending machines to fight the heroin crisis there. ***So you’re fighting heroin by giving people easier access to tools used to do heroin? Oh yeah, I don’t see any problem with THAT plan!

A shocking report: All Fruit Loops taste the same. Foodbeast.com recently conducted a blind taste test to determine if consumers could distinguish the difference between the brightly-colored rings of sweet goodness found in Fruit Loops, and found that each color was actually the same flavor. Not content on just ruining Fruit Loops for generations to come, they also used the same methodology to discredit the disguising colors behind Trix and Fruity Pebbles. ***Up next, let’s find out if Girl Scout cookies are made with real Girl Scouts!

There’s something romantic, historic, and often mysterious about a wine cellar. Now drop a wine cellar in a funeral home and, well, is it creepy — or does it make the visitation more fun? Hodges Funeral Home in North Naples, Florida, is — as far as we know — the first wine cellar at a funeral parlor in the entire country. ***At least this way they know that SOMETHING will get better as it ages once it’s put underground.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Wow… that’s strange. What are the odds that someone else would be writing the exact same song that Millard is just now composing? And, is it just me, or does Millard’s new song sound really, uh… familiar? Get more of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s inDUHvidual… Subway restaurants!

Recently Subway Restaurants held an essay contest for school children.  They offered athletic equipment as the grand prize.  Academic materials were not part of the winnings, which is probably a good thing, as any academic materials should probably be sent directly to the marketing department of Subway.  In the advertisement for the contest, there were two spelling errors.  One, misspelling the word “basket” and even more disturbing, misspelling the word “United” in “The United States.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT CHEESE

10. It was originally intended to be used as a deodorant by the French.

9. If you put your ear next to a hole in Swiss cheese, you can hear the ocean.

8. The molten core at the center of the earth? Velveeta.

7. Munster cheese really wasn’t named after the Munsters.

6. Despite its aerodynamic properties, presliced American cheese is not a good substitute for shurikens when attacked by ninjas from a rival clan.

5. Mice don’t really like it. Mousetrap raiding is considered to be an extreme sport for them.

4. Goathead cheese isn’t made with any parts of a goat’s head.

3. Cheese Whiz is not the same as Fix-A-Flat.

2. In fact, brie despises yuppies.

1. Contrary to popular belief, cheese does not get any royalties from photographers.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Who needs Batgirl when you have Little Debbie?

FILE #1: In New York, Curtis Hudgins, Adrian Huddleston and another 15-year-old accomplice broke into a local convenience store and made off with six packages of instant lottery tickets. Apparently having worked up an appetite, the trio also made off with some Little Debbie Coffee Cake snacks. Alas, Little Debbie led to their arrests as the burglars left a trail of wrappers behind, which led police to a nearby apartment building, where they were arrested the trio. Sgt. Tom Connellan said, “This was a combination of good police work and a stupid criminal.” They were charged with burglary, grand larceny and criminal mischief.  ***MARLAR: But not for littering?!??!

FILE #2: In Lille, France, a truck driver was unloading a Ferrari at a dealership when a man in a suit came up, said he was a salesman there, and offered to drive it onto the lot. The delivery man gave him the keys, he got into the Ferrari, and drove right off. Turns out he didn’t really work there.

FILE #3: An overworked policeman in Japan stabbed himself in the stomach so he could get time off. The truth came out after detectives launched a murder investigation but couldn’t find any suspects matching his description. The 44-year-old stabbed himself because he was worn out by overtime and working weekends.

STRANGE LAW: In Wilbur, Washington, it’s illegal to ride an ugly horse.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A robber is found asleep at the scene of the crime… from taking sleeping pills that he’d just tried to steal!

A robber fell asleep after taking sleeping tablets to calm his nerves during a raid on a hospital pharmacy. The raider took three tablets from the haul of medication he had stolen. He then fell asleep and was later arrested by police. The unidentified thief managed to slip into the pharmacy through the cooling system, which was undergoing maintenance work. The man was found by hospital employees – who then alerted police.

PHONER PHUN

If you could grab one piece of a set from any movie or television show what would it be? Me? I wouldn’t mind having the Batmobile from the first Michael Keaton Batman movie. Or maybe the sword from the movie Excalibur. Or better yet, the DeLorean from Back To The Future! What about you, what piece of a movie or TV show would you like to have for yourself?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the name of Ruth’s first husband?
ANSWER: Mahlon. Ruth 4:1

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to research at the University of Michigan, what percentage of college students felt they had suffered long-term emotional or behavioral problems from watching a horror movie or television program?

ANSWER: 26%. About a third of those said the problems lasted longer than a year. The younger the students were, the longer the effects lasted.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. A group of hippopotami is called a “Hippi.” (False – it’s called a “bloat.”)

2. You’re not supposed to make direct eye-contaxt with a monkey at the zoo for any longer than four seconds. (True – they consider that a hostile act.)

3. Elephants have the largest brains in the animal kingdom. (True)

4. Every step a giraffe takes is fifteen feet in length. (True)

5. A group of tigers is called a Pride. (False,it’s called a Streak. Lions are a Pride.)

6. In the wild, zebras live about 20-30 years. (True – and up to 40 years in a zoo.)

7. Howler monkeys are the nosiest land animals. (True – their calls can be heard over two miles away.)

8. The giant tortoise is the longest-living animal in the world. (True – they live about 177 years in captivity. The gastrotrich – a tiny aquatic animal – lives the shortest, only three days.)

9. The fastest animal on the planet is a gazelle. (False, it’s the cheetah, reaching speeds of up to 70mph)

10. Bats have the best sense of hearing in the animal kingdom. (False – it’s dolphins. They are able to hear fourteen times better than humans!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TARANTULAS ATTACK _______! (INDIA)

Tarantulas have been invading India and attacking thousands of citizens!

Indians are fearing for their lives as almost a million tarantulas have invaded the country and are crawling into small towns and cities.

An army of eight-legged freaks, killer spiders some say, have been spotted in many towns across the entire country.

In one incident on May 8, residents of  Chaulkhowa Nagaon village saw swarms of spiders suddenly descended from nowhere and started biting the people.  Villagers ran for their lives, but unfortunately 57 didn’t make it.  Bitten. Luckily doctors were able to save about 20 victims.

But the panic remains in the village and some residents have become Tarantula Hunters – seeking out the deadly critters.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Two carrots were going down the street, and one of ’em got run over by a car.  So, the first carrot took the other to the hospital and waited outside.  After a while the doctor came out and said: ‘Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you about your friend. The good news is, he’s gonna live. The bad news is, I’m afraid he’s gonna be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

JOKE #2

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn’t have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, “So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?”

JOKE #3

Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands.

The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone’s surprise, Myrddin separated the mail so fast that his motions were literally a blur.

Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day. “I just want you to know,” he said, “that we’re all very proud of you. You’re one of the fastest workers we have ever had.”

“Thank you,” said Myrddin, “and tomorrow I’ll try to do even better.”

“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do better?”

Myrddin replied, “Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses.”

USELESS FACTS

A new study has determined that middle-aged and older American’s have a 90% higher risk having high blood pressure. ***But doesn’t giving them news like this just compound their blood pressure problem?

From all the oxygen that a human breathes, twenty percent goes to the brain. ***Although looking at the world today I’m surprised even that much oxygen is getting to the brain.

FEATURED FUNNIES

REPAIRMAN

Mrs. Broomfield’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Rottweiler. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot.”

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid bird.”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Brutus.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A hairdresser in India uses a unique tool of the trade – a gas lighter. 

Nilesh Parekh doesn’t use scissors, but instead uses a flame to singe people’s hair into a style.  The innovations did not start with Parekh, however, but with his father.  “My father started using fire to cut hair. He used to cut hair by torching the ends with a lighted candle,” Parekh said. He decided to use a gas lighter, because hot wax from the candle could burn a customer’s scalp.  ***MARLAR: As opposed to that really safe flame being used next to your skull.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHAT GOES AROUND…

Every so often a voice tells me to pay for a stranger’s breakfast. This was one of those times. –Bob Perks

He was sitting there in a booth near the window at my favorite breakfast place.
There was something about him that caught my attention. But there’s something special about every person I do this for. I buy them their breakfast anonymously.

It started just after my dad passed away. I was traveling and decided to stop on the road for breakfast. Off to my right was an elderly man who had come in right after me. I was lonely and wishing my dad was still here–and that man looked so much like him. Same height, same build and walk. I decided right then to secretly pick up his check.
“Just tell him he reminded me of my dad,” I told the cashier. I paid for his meal and went on my way feeling a little bit happier.
Since then, every once in a while I hear a voice inside me and I listen to it. I’m usually directed to an individual quietly sitting alone in a booth. Age is not a factor, for I have picked up the tab for young and old alike. Not every time I go to a restaurant. I don’t always hear the voice.
Now, don’t go thinking I’m going crazy. The voice I speak of is one that also speaks to you. It’s a quiet voice that speaks of compassion. I argue with it sometimes. “Oh, no! You’ve got to be kidding. You want me to do what?” Most of the time the voice wins. I’ve come to trust it, knowing there is a reason for everything.
Well, on this particular day, the man in the diner seemed down in his spirit. Almost like he was wondering why he was here. I watched him daydreaming and staring out the window for long periods of time. At one point he caught me looking at him. He smiled and shook his head and said, “Nice day!”
“Yes, it is,” I replied but felt no need to continue a conversation. That is so unlike me. But it seemed to me that he needed to be alone this day. So I picked up his check and told the waitress to say nothing about me. This is my usual breakfast stop. They know the routine.
Today our paths crossed again. I vaguely remembered his face. He was an average-looking guy in his mid-forties. When I walked in, he seemed to recognize me. I ordered my breakfast and scanned the room to see if the “voice” was calling me. But no. There was nothing to be accomplished this morning except for a hot cup of coffee and french toast.
Halfway through my meal, as I was reading the paper, I looked up across from me and discovered I had company.
“Please forgive me if I’m intruding on your Meal. This is kind of awkward for me. My name is Jack,” he said, extending his hand.
I introduced myself and said, “You certainly aren’t intruding. You can join me if you’d like.”
He declined but continued, “About a month ago I was in here and sat in that same booth near the window. I saw you at one point and smiled. I was a bit out of sorts that day, and when I saw you looking at me I figured it showed. So I tried to say something to break the mood.”
“You did seem a bit distracted that day, if I remember correctly,” I said. “I know the look. I’ve been there many times.”
“Well, I may be wrong here. But someone picked up my breakfast check for me. I assumed it was you. The place was nearly empty,” he said waiting for a confirmation from me.
“Gee, that’s great. I bet the breakfast tasted even better, ” I joked. I really didn’t want to tell him. I feared he’d want to pay for mine and that would defeat the purpose.
“Well, it was the most incredible timing. You see, my son and I always went to breakfast on my birthday. It was our tradition since he was a kid. When he was little he would insist on paying for the meal, but I’d have to ‘lend’ him the money. Then, once he hit his teens and was working, he really did pay the bill,” he said.
Turning his head back toward the window, he said, “We always sat there. Same booth, same meal, and father-son conversation.”
He paused for a moment. “This year, for the first time, we weren’t together.”

“Growing up can be painful. Not for the child, the parent,” I said. “I know. I’d give anything to relive moments like that with my sons.”
“Well, I’ll never have that chance. My son died in a car accident about six months ago out in California. He was visiting friends and checking out colleges.”

“I’m so sorry, my friend,” I said.
“As always, I came here for breakfast. My wife wanted to come along. But I told her this was our time together,” he said quietly. He seemed to be at peace with it all. At least for the moment.
“So when someone picked up the check, I was stunned. The waitress wouldn’t tell me who it was. But whoever it was had a reason. I believe somehow my son had something to do with it. I still hear his voice,” he said.
“Maybe the person who picked up the check heard his voice too, “I said.
We said our goodbyes, and I finished my meal.
Oh, you know how this ends, don’t you? You’re right. He picked up my check.
The waitress said, “Well, what goes around comes around, Bob. See, all those checks you picked up finally paid off.”
“No, the payback is much greater than that,” I said. “I got to meet the father and, though I didn’t know it at the time, I also met his son. All that for $4.28!”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

AN EXPENSIVE GOSPEL

READ: Philippians 1:19-30

To you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake. —Philippians 1:29

On a teaching trip at a Bible institute in another country, my colleague and I were saddened to hear of legislation before the parliament that sought to outlaw the evangelical church. We shared our fears with our students that though we had come to train a generation of pastors, we might instead witness a new wave of persecution. We then joined with the students in prayer and worship to God about the matter.

After we concluded, one of the students said to me, “Thanks for being concerned for us, but don’t worry. We’ve learned that it’s not enough for us to preach the gospel or live for the gospel. It is necessary that we suffer for the gospel.” His words were not flippant but honest. Living for Christ often exacts a price.

Paul, writing from prison, said, “To you it has been granted on behalf of Christ, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake” (Philippians 1:29). His statement is daily lived out by believers around the world who experience hardship and persecution for no greater crime than living openly for the name of Jesus.

Let’s pray for God’s blessing and provision for our brothers and sisters in Christ who are paying an expensive price for embracing a salvation that is free.

—Bill Crowder

O for a faith that will not shrink
Though pressed by many a foe,
That will not tremble on the brink
Of any earthly woe.  —Bathurst

Those who live for God can expect trouble in the world.

LEFTOVERS

Be sure to get your Vitamin D!  It’s great for back pain and it’ll help you live longer!

An extra daily dose of vitamin D (found in milk) relieves chronic back pain for most suffers. An extensive review of current research reveals that “those with chronic back pain almost always had inadequate levels of vitamin D,” says Dr. Stewart Leavitt, editor of “Pain Treatment Topics,” who headed the review. “When sufficient vitamin D supplementation was provided, their pain either vanished or was at least helped to a significant extent.” The investigators recommended that most children and adults get at least 1000 IUs daily, and back pain sufferers get at least 2000 IUs daily. This is far higher than the government’s recommended daily amount of up to 600 IUs. (National Enquirer)

And that’s not all, a new study has found people with loads of vitamin D in their bloodstreams tend to live longer. The vitamin made naturally by exposure to sunshine or found in dairy products and fatty fish like salmon, helps the body absorb calcium for bone health and offers protection from cancer, peripheral artery disease and tuberculosis. Austrian researchers say their study provides the first real proof vitamin D affects your life expectancy. (Globe)

LIFE… LIVE IT

UNHEALTHIEST DRINKS IN AMERICA

Many Americans have a drinking problem, but not the kind you might think.

According to the Food and Drug Administration the average American takes in a bulk of our daily calories through beverages. To give you a better idea of drinks that can hinder you health, fitness, and weight loss goals, here’s a list of America’s Unhealthiest Drinks. Sip responsibly.

Worst “Healthy” Drink – Glaceau Vitamin Water (any flavor; 20 oz bottle)

  • 130 calories

  • 33 grams sugar

  • Vitamins and water sound like the ultimate nutritional tag team, but what the label doesn’t say is that a bottle of vitamin water carries the an equal amount of sugar and calories as a can of Coke.

Worst Juice Impostor – Arizona Kiwi Strawberry (23.5oz can)

  • 360 Calories

  • 84g of sugar

  • This beverage has 5 percent juice and 95 percent sugar water.

Worst Smoothie – Jamba Juice Peanut Butter Moo’d Power

  • Smoothie (30 oz)

  • 1,170 Calories

  • 169 g sugar

  • 30 g fat

Worst Summer Cocktail – Pina Colada

  • 625 Calories

  • 75 g sugars

The Unhealthiest Drink in America – Baskin Robbin’s Large Heath Bar Shake (32 oz)

  • 2,310 Calories

  • 266 g sugar

  • 108 g fat (64 g saturated)

  • 73: Ingredients go into this milkshake

  • 66: The number of teaspoons of sugar

  • 11: The number of Heath Bars you would have to eat to equal the number of calories found in one Baskin Robbins Large Heath Bar Shake.

  • 8-12: The average number or minutes it takes to consume this drink.

  • 240: The number of minutes you’d need to spend on a treadmill burning it off.

JUST FOR FUN

WHOO HOO! I’M #1 AT MAKING BONEHEAD MISTAKES!

A giant foam-rubber hand forces one man to take a very expensive vacation!

Paul McCuthene of London was attending a charity auction and was playing around with the large foam rubber hand he was given — waiving and pointing it at friends. What he didn’t realize is that while he was doing this, his hand movements were being taken as bidding. In the end, he bought himself a $30,000 diving trip, to go 3 miles down, to see the Titanic wreck. He had to mortgage his house to pay for it. Fortunately, he says at least he’s looking forward to the trip.  By the way, on a side note, Paul is a financial advisor.

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU GREW UP IN THE EIGHTIES IF:

You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “psyche.”

You watched the Pound Puppies.

You can sing the rap to the “Fresh Prince of Belair ” …and can do the “Carlton” dance.

If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock.”

You had plastic streamers on your bicycle’s handle bars

When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, wax off.”

You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us… head-to-toe)

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female Smurf.

You still get the urge to say “not” after every sentence.

After you saw “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”

You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” and “Where’s the beef?”

You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

You remember boom boxes. and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

You remember watching both “Gremlins” movies.

You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

You used the term “Way” and “No Way” on a regular basis.

You still sing “We are the World” (audio clip)

You saw the original “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” on TV – before Michael Bay ruined it for everybody.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Looking for a job? Better check the spelling on that resume!

Spelling counts — especially when you’re looking for a job. A typo or two on a resume might just keep you among the ranks of the unemployed. Three out of four executives surveyed say a typo on a resume would disqualify a job applicant. The poll was done on behalf of the staffing firm Accountemps. Max Messmer is chairman of Accountemps and author of “Job Hunting for Dummies.”  He says a potential boss might assume that if you make mistakes on your resume, you’ll do the same on the job. He recalls one applicant who wrote “Hope to hear from you SHORTY.” And another who addressed a letter to “Dear Sir or MADMAN.”  ***MARLAR: Another bad sign… that you have to buy a book called “Job Hunting for Dummies.”  (Another bad sign… in the “Salary Desired” section you write, “yes, please.”)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) Have you tried a million bug-bite prevention tricks and still can’t ditch the itch? It could be because a lot of insect repellent products are busts, according to a new study in Journal of Insect Science that compared the mosquito repulsing powers of a variety of sprays and wearable devices, plus a sonic repeller and a citronella candle. The verdict? Nothing measured up to spray-on products containing DEET or oil of lemon eucalyptus also known as PMD or P-menthane-3,8diol. Wearables may not protect a large area of your body. And some gadgets use inferior active ingredients including citronella and geraniol, says study coauthor Stacy Rodriguez. To make sure you’re protected, pick product with 20 to 25 percent DEET or 30 percent oil of lemon eucalyptus. (Health)

If you need a friend to help you out, there’s a really simple way to get what you want. Just ask. But make sure you ask directly. Don’t beat around the bush, offering oblique hints. By making an outright request, you create a social obligation that is awkward to refuse. For many of us, the thought of asking someone for help or a favor — be it a colleague, friend or stranger — is fraught with discomfort. We figure we’re imposing or tend to assume the person will say no, which could leave us embarrassed or humiliated. But new research from the Stanford Graduate School of Business verifies the old adage, “Ask and you shall receive.” We tend to grossly underestimate how likely others are to agree to our requests for assistance.

If you want a healthy brain, stay in school and take the stairs. While those two recommendations seem completely unrelated to each other, it turns out that both will help keep your brain young, slowing down the aging of gray matter. A recent study measured the volume of gray matter found in participants’ brains because its decline, caused by neural shrinkage and neuronal loss, is a very visible part of the chronological aging process. Then they compared brain volume to the participants’ reported number of flights of stairs climbed and years of schooling completed. The results found brain age decreases by 0.95 years for each year of education, and by 0.58 years for every daily flight of stairs climbed.

Hey, guys wanna get on the good side of your lady? Then clean up the house and do the laundry. A survey found that women felt they did most of the work at home compared to men. And they said guys will score more point with their spouses by doing household chores rather than taking them for romantic, wine dinner or weekend trips. “Modern men are clearly missing the trick,” explains psychologist Cary Cooper. “If they take a little more time to help out their partners with the ironing, they will reap the rewards in the long run and earn a lot of brownie points. “Many women are still working the double shift, doing the household chores and having a career whereas men still have a working role primarily. “What women obviously want to see is somebody who will do chores but also have an active domestic role in the family.”

Did you know that Facebook is linked to 66% of divorces? Yes, finding that old flame on Facebook could lead to more than you bargained for. The renewal of that not-so-innocent friendship might end in marital disaster. Facebook is cited as evidence in 66% of divorces in the U.S., according to a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In addition, more than 80% of divorce lawyers reported they “have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence” during the past few years.

Ever wish you could make folks see things your way all the time? Now you can, reveals the author of The World According To You. “People often disagree with us simply because they are turned off by the way they are approached,” explains New York psychotherapist and couples counselor Miriam Bidddelman. “It is not just what we say, but how and when we say it, that can make the difference.” Here are the methods you can use to make people see things your way:

  • No personal attacks. It undermines you. It is better to say, “I think it is too risky to drive in this downpour” than “Only a fool would drive in this weather.”

  • Speak calmly: No matter how emotional things get, raising your voice can be seen as bullying.

  • Restate the opposing opinion: When you say the other person’s view in your words, they may realize how foolish they sound.

  • Acknowledge the merits of another’s position: It will flatter the person and make them more receptive to your viewpoint.

  • Ask what the objections are: if you expose someone ‘s knee-jerk reaction, you can expose their lack of conviction.

  • Postpone: if someone is angry, continue the conversation another time.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Hilda Brucker went down to the municipal court in her hometown of Doraville, Georgia in October 2016 after receiving a phone call. She hadn’t received a formal summons or known of any wrongdoing; instead, she thought she needed to clear a ticket. But when she arrived she was placed before a judge and prosecutor who accused her of violating city code — because of cracks in her driveway. She was fined $100 and sentenced to six months criminal probation, even though this was the first time she was made aware her driveway was considered a problem. Eventually the charges were dropped, but Brucker said Doraville “went too far” and she’s now joined an Institute for Justice (IJ) lawsuit against the town of about 10,000 people just northeast of Atlanta. The lawsuit challenges the constitutionality of Doraville “using its law enforcement and municipal court system for revenue generation.” Josh House, an IJ attorney says, “It’s unconstitutional because it creates a financial incentive for the city government … to ticket people.” He said people in the town were being “punished” for the condition of their property by having to “fund the Doraville city government.” Jeff Thornton was fined $1,000 and threatened with an arrest warrant because he had a “disorganized” pile of wood in his backyard. Just like the Brucker case, the fine and charges against Thornton were also eventually dropped. But the lawsuit said he “lives under the threat of being ticketed again by Doraville code enforcement and law enforcement and convicted by Doraville’s municipal court personnel.” As does everybody else. (FOX News)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 01, 2018…

Action Point—So you own a broken down amusement park and live on the edge. What can go wrong? This is the life of owner Johnny Knoxville (the “Jackass” films) as he tries to figure out ways is to stay in business. Expect pratfalls and humor as in the old vaudeville days, plus…how in the world did they do those stunts? “Action Point” is rated R. No rating.

American Animals—This rather dark comedy concerns college students who want to steal precious art objects. What is with stealing these days? “Ocean’s 8” opens next week and that’s about a robbery, too. Anyway, this film is set in 2004 and the people are after rare books from a library in Kentucky. Based on a real life event and Evan Peters stars as the real Warren Lipka.  Cast includes  Blake Jenner and Jared Abrahamson. “American Animals” is rated R. No rating.

Adrift—Ready for a survival film?  This one is about what happens after a major hurricane and two people are lost at sea. The couple are Shailene  Woodley and Sam Clafin at a loss. Well there is always the salt water to contend with, plus plenty of wind, and anything else you can think of. Unfortunately, with the major storms happening each year of late, one must be aware on the water. “Adrift” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for boating fans.

A Kid Like Jake—Adapted from the stage play by Daniel Pearle, this story is about a couple (Claire Danes and Jim Parsons) who discover they have a gender-changing child. What to do?  Acceptance or non-acceptance, conform or non-conforming are the issues within the story. Also in in the cast is Leo James Davis. “A Kid Like Jake” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Upgrade—A science fiction film, this story is about a man (Logan Marshall-Green) who can’t walk, but is given this ability through an implant. What happens then? Not celebrate, as he goes after the people who killed his family and thought he was dead. Revenge. Also in the cast is Betty Gabriel. “Upgrade” is rated PG 13. No rating.

JUNE 08, 2018…

Ocean’s 8 is a remake of the”Oceans” films with George Clooney.  This time, the ladies take on the heist. Stars Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor is a documentary on the life of the television favorite, “Mr. Rogers.” Much missed.

Hotel Artemis concerns criminals who come to a certain place for medical attention. Set in a future Los Angeles. Stars Charlie Day and Jodie Foster.

Hereditary is a horror film starring Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Disintegration of a family.

Hearts Beat Loud has Nick Offerman starting a band with his family.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.