June 07, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160607

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The best thing I can say about our radio station’s coffee?  I’m pretty sure it’s low-tar.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'” –Matthew 22:37

 

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. — Ephesians 3:17-19

 

We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. — 1 Thessalonians 1:3

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. — 1 Thessalonians 5:12

 

Thought: What are you doing to bless the lives of your spiritual leaders? Do you pray daily for them? Do you send them notes of encouragement? Do you thank them for their loving attention? Do you respond to their rebukes and take heart in their affirmations? Leaders don’t need to be followed blindly, but often they get no support for their efforts. Let’s make their work a blessing and not a burden! (Hebrews 13:17)

 

Prayer: Almighty God, the Great Leader of Israel, thank you for our spiritual leaders. Bless their families with faithfulness, their lives with health, their influence with Godly impact, and their leadership with willing followers. May you, dear God, be praised and glorified by the unity of your people. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Galatians 6:7 NIV = Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 07, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 200 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is ACCORDION LOVERS DAY.  ***MARLAR: I’m sure all three of them will celebrate greatly.

 

CHIEF SEATTLE DAY. The Lutheran church commemorates Chief Seattle of the Duwamish, who was famous for his environmental statement that said the land belongs to no one and everyone.  ***MARLAR: Of course, that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever… but environmentalists think it’s deep.

 

It’s NATIONAL CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM DAY.  ***MARLAR: And remember… chocolate ice cream belongs to no one, and to everyone.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Daniel Boone Day

VCR Day

World Pet Memorial Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 08

Upsy Daisy Day

World Oceans Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 09

Donald Duck Day

International Archives Day

Toy Industry Day

World APS Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 10

Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day

Ball Point Pen Day

Iced Tea Day

Banana Split Day

National Lemonade Day

Poultry Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 11

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day

Belmont Stakes

Corn on the Cob Day

International Young Eagles Day

Missing Mutts Awareness Day

National Cotton Candy Day

National Making Life Beautiful Day

National Rose’ (wine) Day

Queen’s Official Birthday

World Bike Naked Day ***Umm, we’d rather you didn’t.

World Gin Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 12

Children’s Sunday

Crowded Nest Awareness Day

Loving Day

Multicultural American Child Day

National Jerky Day

National Peanut Butter Cookie Day

Race Unity Day

Superman Day

World Day Against Child Labor

 

MONDAY, JUNE 13

(NONE TODAY)

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 14

Army’s Birthday

Family History Day

Flag Day

National Bourbon Day

Pause for the Pledge Day

World Blood Donor Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1913: During a revival at Pokagon, Michigan, Ohio-born Methodist evangelist George Bennard introduced a new song he had composed entitled “The Old Rugged Cross.”

 

1924: The ruthless criminal Joey Chill shot and killed millionaire Thomas Wayne while Wayne’s wife Martha watched in horror, then died of a heart attack. The couple’s son, Bruce Wayne, dedicated himself to fighting crime as the caped crusader Batman.

 

1930: The New York Times announced it would begin capitalizing the word “Negro.”

 

1937: Actress Jean Harlow died at age 26 of a gallbladder infection. Her mother’s religion prohibited seeking medical treatment. Actor Clark Gable was a pallbearer at the funeral; Jeanette MacDonald sang “The Indian Love Call.”

 

1955: Quizmaster Hal March introduced the “isolation booth” to TV’s $64,000 Question. Contestants were locked inside the sound-proof glass booth for the final series of questions that led to the grand prize.  ***MARLAR: Nowadays it’s a sound-proof glass booth for the 64-dollar morning radio show.

 

1955: The final “Lux Radio Theater” aired ending 21 years on NBC Radio.

 

1969: “The Johnny Cash Show” debuted as a summer replacement on ABC-TV. It returned as a regular weekly show in 1970 and 1971. Regulars included Mother Maybelle and the Carter Family, the Statler Brothers, Carl Perkins, and the Tennessee Three. In the summer of 1976, the show aired on CBS, featuring new comics Steve Martin and Jim Varney.

 

1972: The musical “Grease” opened on Broadway. The ’50s style musical lasted through April 13, 1980 for 3,388 performances. (

)

 

1975: Actor Ron Howard married Cheryl Alley.

 

1979: Singer Chuck Berry was charged with three counts of tax evasion. The next day he sang at the White House at a Black Music Association gala.

 

1991: Singer Alan Jackson became the 68th member of Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry.

 

1993: The artist once upon a time known as Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol.  ***MARLAR: He has since changed it back to Prince though… so he’s now “The artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.”

 

1997: A presidential commission approved a report concluding that cloning a human being was “morally unacceptable,” but that research using cells of humans and animals should be allowed.

 

2003: An Austrian motorist blew up his car when he tried to open it with his remote control key. Police said the man was carrying two leaking containers of oxy-acetylene gas in his car trunk. The remote caused a spark that set off the explosion. No one was injured but eight other cars were damaged.  ***MARLAR: But it did get the doors open.

 

2004: The Tampa Bay Lightning defeated the Calgary Flames 2-1 in playoff game seven to win their first Stanley Cup.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1099: The armies of the First Crusade (1096-99) reached the walls of Jerusalem.

 

1502: Ugo Buoncompagni is born in Bologna. As Pope Gregory XIII (1572-1585), he issued the Gregorian calendar, supported the Inquisition, promoted the Counter-Reformation, and encouraged missions.

 

1891: English Baptist clergyman Charles H. Spurgeon preached the last sermon of his 38-year-long ministry at London’s Metropolitan Tabernacle. He died the following January.

 

1913: Ohio-born Methodist evangelist George Bennard introduced his new hymn, “The Old Rugged Cross,” during a revival he was conducting at Pokagon, Michigan.

 

1934: Wycliffe Bible Translators held its first study course in linguistics at Sulphur Springs, Arkansas. The training session lasted 3 months.

 

1959: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: “If we really think that home is elsewhere and that this life is a ‘wandering to find home,’ why should we not look forward to the arrival?”

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Tennis player Anna Kournikova 35
  • British actress (Emily Waltham on TV’s “Friends”) Helen Baxendale 46 (
    )
  • Actor (Kinsey, Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, Schindler’s List, Batman Begins, Darkman) Liam Neeson, 64
  • Former talk show host Jenny Jones, 70
  • Actor (Eddie Haskel on “Leave It To Beaver”) Ken Osmond, 73– Ken was an LAPD cop for 18 years, and was shot 3 times by one suspect in the line of duty. After that he battled depression. Today he is a vintage car enthusiast and real estate investor. (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Dean Martin

1940 : Tom Jones

1944 : Clarence White (The Byrds)

1955 : Joey Scarbury

1958 : Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson)
1964 : Ecstacy (Whodini)

1966 : Eric Kretz (Stone Temple Pilots)

1967 : Dave Navarro (Jane’s Addiction)

1974 : T-Low (Next)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Can you be bored to death… literally?

A new university study reveals you can be bored to death. Dr. Pers Lundgrem of the Norwegian Heart Institute in Oslo says, “prolonged boredom cause the body to release low levels of adrenaline, the same hormone which is produced when war are frightened or angry.” This can cause blood pressure and heart rate to sky rocket. Normally when we get an adrenaline rush we are able to expend it through fight or flight. But when the cause is boredom, there is not such pressure release and the levels increase until they reach lethal proportions.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

NeedToBreathe members say they are big fans of both Legos and dads so they are glad to hear that their song The Heart is being used to celebrate both. The song is featured in a one minute spot created by Lego just in time for Father’s Day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIy7HdSVWKA

 

Phil Wickham was part of the UK’s Big Church Day Out last weekend. He says playing on the main stage was great but it wasn’t his favorite moment of the weekend. Phil said: it’s hard to beat a campfire after party with a thousand people singing along!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BGKsE2xCmnc/

 

Francesca Battistelli gave birth to her third child in March and, as a result, has so far taken much of 2016 off. Her lack of shows is in direct contrast to 2015, when she was in more shows in one year than ever before in her music career. And Francesca’s schedule about to pick up again. After a busy schedule of fairs and festivals in August Francesca will be in 40 cities this fall, joining Matthew West for the second leg of his Live Forever Tour.

 

Audio Adrenaline’s Adam Agee is not a big fan of dentists. He posted: Just paid a person a ton of money to stab me in the mouth repeatedly with sharp, tiny swords.

 

Newsboys member Jeff Frankenstein says his six year old daughter commented this week: “Dad, your song titles make good horse names.” Crazy, Love Riot, Hero…. Jeff said: I guess she makes a good point.

 

Ryan Stevenson was back in the recording studio this week. He posted: Cutting a track with the acoustic guitar that toured the world with Taylor Swift.

 

Francesca Battistelli posted this week: Had the most lovely tea with my dear Lindsay Mccaul and Jodi of Love and the Outcome today! We cannot WAIT to meet Lindsay’s little boy so soon. Francesca says: all of our sons will be within four months of each other.

 

Moriah Peters was enjoying some down time in Denmark this week. She posted a picture as she enjoyed time with her husband, for King and Country member Joel Smallbone. Moriah said: so glad to return to one of my favorite countries with my favorite human. Moriah added: Lesson learned in Denmark: Walk, bike or hike whenever possible so you don’t miss a thing.

https://twitter.com/MoriahPeters/status/738349651305189376?s=09

 

For a short time the members of for King and Country changed their name. They were at Buckingham Palace this week and posted: for “QUEEN” & COUNTRY.

 

Luke Smallbone was featured late last week in the Tennessean Newspaper. The for King and Country member nearly died in 2013, missing a total of 40 shows while dealing with a digestive disorder. His battle with the disease and his recovery were to topic of the article.  http://ow.ly/s3FP300XsZF

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A girl in Cumberland, Maine, got the surprise of a lifetime when she heard from a fisherman in Spain who had found her message in a bottle that she tossed into the Atlantic Ocean three years ago.  Terra Gallo, now 14, was visiting her aunt who lives on the secluded Monhegan Island in June 2013 when they decided to release about 10 bottles with messages enclosed into the water to see where they’d turn up. Years had passed and the family had forgotten about their bottles until an unfamiliar letter arrived in the mail this past weekend. The bottle had traveled about more than 3,200 miles before being found by the fisherman in Spain.  *** The fisherman’s reply was pretty short – “STOP THROWING YOUR TRASH IN THE OCEAN, JERK!”  http://abcn.ws/289xTRZ

 

Staff at post office in Sweden (Svenstavik) called police after discovering that a package was behaving in a mysterious way – as if something inside were alive. After some detective work they managed to confirm the mysterious contents: 300 live cockroaches. The package was meant to be delivered to a man who feeds cockroaches to his pet snakes.  ***Either that, or the Chicago school lunches program – there was some confusion about that.

 

The Czech Republic’s Prague Zoo has come up with a new use for elephant dung: making paper. The zoo has joined forces with a hand paper mill to process the manure to be used in traditional paper-making techniques. The director for the paper mills says the 420-year-old mill has made paper from all sorts of materials but elephant dung “is something new for us.”  *** Elephant dung paper – perfect for gossip rags and Washington D.C politicians.

 

Trying to decide between oatmeal and a bowl of corn flakes? Researchers say go with the oatmeal. Study participants ate less at lunch when they had oatmeal for breakfast.  ***Probably because after eating something that disgusting you lose your appetite for the day.

 

Legal marijuana sales are forecast to hit $23-billion in the next four years.  ***It’s so sad how many people are suddenly coming down with glaucoma.  Someone needs to do something about that.

 

A computer programmer had his account canceled by Amazon UK after he returned 37 (of 343) items.  ***So if you’re buying a gift for this guy, maybe it’s best to just give him cash or a gift card.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent study says Friday is the day most people get fired. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, it makes for a longer weekend.

 

Americans tend to gain weight as they get older but a new study finds that the quality of their diet generally improves at the same time.  ***MARLAR: So the obviously conclusion then is, as you get older, if you don’t want to gain weight, you should spend more money at McDonald’s.

 

Recent research powerfully strengthens the case against soda and other sugary drinks as culprits in the obesity epidemic.  A huge, decades-long study involving more than 33,000 Americans has yielded the first clear proof that drinking sugary beverages interacts with genes that affect weight, amplifying a person’s risk of obesity beyond what it would be from heredity alone. Meanwhile, a provocative study suggests a connection between the BPA chemical used in food packaging and childhood obesity.  ***MARLAR: So, in conclusion, avoid ALL foods and ALL drinks unless you want to be fat.

 

A report published in an issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine recaps the daily non-work, non-sleep activities of 80,000 American adults, and splits them up based on relative intensities (sedentary, light, moderate and vigorous).   Only 5 percent of people evaluated got any vigorous activity — think running, biking or strength training — in a given day.   Along with phone calls, television and reading, snack prep ranked high on the list of preferred daily activities.   Eighty percent of Americans engaged in daily TV watching, while only 25 percent spent time cooking.   In yet another startling statistic, the research team found that 78 percent of Americans reported spending time “washing, dressing, and grooming oneself.”  ***MARLAR: Meaning 22% don’t wash or dress at all.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Hungry Clock”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Charles Marshall, “Mucilex”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and  (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: And you thought YOU were busy!  Tune in again next time – if you have time, that is – to see what the jungle animals do about their own time problems!  As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 11/12

 

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met a group of alligators that sang wonderfully together – and they helped her realize that doing a solo is great once in a while, but not all of the time.  And it looks like all the other animals heard the alligators singing too…

 

CLOSE: Now THAT is a harmonious ending!  Tune in again next time, for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Cutbacks and layoff are never fun… but they can be funny!

In 2006, Walkers Potato Chips, a Pepsi-owned British potato chip company, laid off 250 employees.  Laying off 250 workers at one time doesn’t take a lot of genius, unless you consider that the person who did the laying off still has his job.  But the true Moment of DUH is in the details of the firings.  Each person who was fired received a nice parting gift from his ex-employer.  You guessed it… the goodbye “gift” was a bag of potato chips.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR MECHANIC DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING

 

  1. “We like to think we run a classy joint, so we used black duct tape to seal your tire. That way no one will notice.”

 

  1. You hear squealing underneath the hood; he’s thoroughly convinced there are mice trapped in there somewhere.

 

  1. The message he left saying your brake job won’t be done until tomorrow because he “ran out of rubber bands.”

 

  1. He said the alternator was full and that it was in perfect pitch after the tune up.

 

  1. The only tool you see in the shop is one enormous roll of duct tape.

 

  1. Believing all carbs are bad, he removes your carburetor.

 

  1. You take your car in for a “tuneup” and he pulls out a pitch pipe.

 

  1. Sees brake fluid leak, freaks out at the sight of “blood”.

 

  1. On his itemized invoice: Pointy thing – $200, Roundish thing – $150, Scary looking box with the wires – $300

 

  1. When he was finished he gave you the extra bolts to keep.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Gas prices drive one man to crime – and to a severe burn unit.

 

FILE #1: From the ‘crime doesn’t pay’ file…19-year-old Glen B. Germain Jr., of Warrensburg, New York, thought he would beat the high cost of gasoline by stealing it. Had he been smart, he would’ve just bought the gas. Alas, he wasn’t and decided to check how his gasoline siphoning efforts were going by lighting a match. The ensuing blaze destroyed a forklift and gave Glen fourth-degree burns.

 

FILE #2: You can bet Juan Catalan will never let his HBO subscription expire. He just won $320,000 from the city of Los Angeles to settle his lawsuit over having been held in jail for five months for a 2003 murder he could not have committed. Juan maintained all along that he had been at a Dodgers baseball game at the time of the crime, with his 6-year-old daughter, but police never bought it. It wasn’t until Juan’s lawyer discovered that the HBO TV show “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had been filming at Dodger Stadium that day for an episode and, poring over time-stamped outtakes of crowd shots, finally found a scene with Juan and his daughter in the stands!

 

FILE #3: A man in Georgia received a speeding ticket for going 90 MPH in a 25 Mph speed zone. His appearance in court was somewhat amusing! The excuse he gave to the judge was that he had taken a laxative and was in urgent need to make it home before mother nature made her speedy relief. He still had to pay the ticket.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Jonesboro, Georgia, it’s illegal to say, “Oh boy!”

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sometimes it’s best to look in the mirror first, before grabbing the aspiring for your splitting headache.

A Russian man woke up with a splitting headache after a heavy drinking session to find a kitchen knife stuck in his face. The man had invited a friend for a drink but went to bed early after telling his friend he was tired of hearing him moan. He woke up later that night with a splitting headache and went to the bathroom to get a glass of water — and that’s when he noticed the knife sticking out of his face, just below his eye. After calling for an ambulance, the knife was removed in a 40-minute operation. He’ll escape with only a small scar on his face. Police have confirmed that they found his friend’s fingerprints on the knife.  ***MARLAR: If ever there was evidence that drinking alcohol is a bad idea…

 

 

PHONER PHUN

ILLEGAL MARRIAGES

What would you do if you suddenly found out that you were not legally married? Ten couples in Czechoslovakia are facing that question right now.

Ten Czechoslovakian couples now have to get remarried because their marriages were deemed illegal. It was discovered that the former mayor of Prague performed weddings – even though she was not officially registered to do so. So, according to a council spokesman, “Strictly speaking, these marriages are illegal.” The council is going to apologize to the couples, and is considering some type of financial compensation.

PHONER: Could it EVER be enough money?  As long as these couples honestly and truly believed that they were married, do you think God is okay with it?  What should they do now that they’re marriage has been deemed illegal?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said these last words: “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. Lord, lay not this sin to their charge.”?

ANSWER: Stephen (Acts 7:59-60)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the number one name for newborn boys in the year 2002?

ANSWER: Jacob, followed by Michael, Matthew, Joshua, Nicholas, Christopher, Joseph, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The Avengers was the first British show ever to air in a U.S. network’s prime time fall schedule. (True)

 

  1. Carrie Underwood was country music’s first female millionaire. (False, Loretta Lynn, at age 30 in 1965)

 

  1. Rolling Stone magazine debuted on November 9, 1967. (True)

 

  1. The first Hispanic to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was Jennifer Lopez. (False, Carlos Santana)

 

  1. William Shatner commanded the “Battlestar Galactica.” (False, Lorne Green)

 

  1. Celebrity Fabio was promoting a roller coaster ride when a bird flew into his face. (True)

 

  1. Seattle has a major league baseball team named for the “Cyanocitta cristata” – a Blue Jay bird. (False, Toronto)

 

  1. USA was the host country of the Soccer World Cup in 1982. (False, Spain)

 

  1. According to the title of the 1986 Steve Martin movie, there were “Two Amigos”. (False, Three)

 

  1. The TV show “Emergency!” was set at a Hospital in the city of Chicago. (False, Los Angeles) (
    )

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIEN SPACESHIP FOUND IN ______ SEA (BALTIC)

An international team of oceanic experts have found an alien ship from Planet Gootan National on the bottom of the Baltic Sea.

The ship was abandoned, but experts from the U.N. Panel of Extraterrestrials told WWN that the Gootans were using the Baltic Sea as a base to spy on humans.

The U.N. dispatched a team of experts in Unidentified Submarine Objects (USOs) to the Baltic Sea accompanied by an elite Navy SEALS team.  The U.S. military has been conducting a vast underwater reconnaissance of Gootan activities, ever since the Gootans landed three large ships on Earth in November, 2011.

Some are saying the ship looks like the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A very elderly gentleman of 90+ years, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated alone at the bar was an elderly looking 80+ year lady.

The gentleman walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

 

JOKE #2

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

“Why not?” my friend asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”

“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”

“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

 

JOKE #3

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a meadow near her castle.  The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”  That night, on a meal of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, “I don’t think so!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A University of Minnesota study found that kids who eat breakfast are less likely to be overweight.  ***MARLAR: So before you leave the house, be sure to finish that Red Bull and pack of Ho-Hos.

 

In Ohio, a cow that escaped from a slaughterhouse was finally captured after eleven days of being on the run. ***MARLAR: Which raised its value as it could then be sold as LEAN beef.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

MANLY EXPLANATION

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it that you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous…or what?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CYBER SINS

The Vatican has said “no” to the Internet… at least when it comes to confessions.

It’s amazing what you can do on the internet nowadays. You can plan a vacation, work on a report for work or school, shop for all sorts of things including food, and… unfortunately… there are also numerous ways to sin online (which I will not go into here). But can you get those sins forgiven online? The Vatican says “No.” According to the Vatican, the Roman Catholic Church is going to rule out giving confessions online. In fact, they’ve gone so far as to say that online confessions will NEVER happen. ***MARLAR: That’s probably a good thing. After all, can you imagine having to type 12 “Hail Marys”, 7 “Lord’s Prayers” and an “Act of Contrition” as your penance?  And once you’ve typed out your penance, who do you send the email to?  What if you get carpal-tunnel syndrome, start thinking bad things, and then have to go to confession all over again?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GRANDMA’S HANDS

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn’t move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn’t acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled.

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you for asking,” she said in a clear strong voice. “I didn’t mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you  were OK,” I explained to her.

“Have you ever looked at your hands,” she asked. “I mean really looked at your hands?” I slowly opened my hands and stared down  at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I  guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out  the point she was making.

Grandma smiled and related this story: “Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. “They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. “They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special.

They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. “They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn’t understand “They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. “These hands are the mark of where I’ve been and the ruggedness of life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ.”

I will never look at my hands the same again.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A DAILY BEAUTY

READ: Acts 6:9-15

All who sat in the council, looking steadfastly at him, saw his face as the face of an angel. —Acts 6:15

When you look in a mirror, what do you see? Do you see a lovely reflection? A handsome face? Or do you see a plain or unattractive countenance?

We want to give those who behold us what my friend called an aesthetic blessing. But what about the beauty of holiness? Are others blessed by the beauty that flows through us from Christ?

A distinguished Bible scholar of the 19th century, J. B. Lightfoot, was described by one of his devoted students as “startlingly ugly: a stout little man with a grotesque figure and a squint.” But that same student also said that Lightfoot was “the best man I have ever encountered, and I say this deliberately after the experience of many years. In a day or two . . . his face appeared the most beautiful and lovable thing imaginable.”

When Stephen was brought before the Jewish council for interrogation, “they were not able to resist the wisdom and the Spirit by which he spoke” (Acts 6:10). As he was being accused, they “saw his face as the face of an angel” (v.15).

By God’s transforming grace, we too can have a daily beauty in our lives. As we walk prayerfully in the Spirit, our faces increasingly reflect the beauty of Jesus.

—Vernon C Grounds

 

Let the beauty of Jesus be seen in me,
All His wonderful passion and purity;
O Thou Spirit divine, all my nature refine
Till the beauty of Jesus is seen in me.  —Orsborn

 

Nothing can dim the beauty that shines from within.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

THE DOG ATE MY ANKLE BRACELET
The excuse “the dog ate it” doesn’t work for all situations.

A Scottish man under house arrest has blamed his dog for eating through the electronic tag attached to his ankle.  This is not the first time the dog has been the culprit – the 24 year old man says his hound jumped into his lap and caused a car accident, which is the reason he was under arrest in the first place.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO SURVIVE MONDAYS

Everyone hates Mondays. In fact, they can actually be hazardous to your health. But you can take some of the stress out of the day and actually start the workweek feeling good, with the help of famed psychologist Dr. Robert Butterworth. “Mondays are so stressful that they can be life-threatening,” declares Dr. Butterworth. “The highest proportion of workplace injuries on Monday.” He says Mondays are also characterized by an increase in on-the-job heart attacks. Here are 10 great tips from Dr. Butterworth, to get you sailing instead of slumping into work:

  • Don’t stay out late Sunday night — Just take it easy and on Monday morning you’ll head for work and refreshed and raring to go.
  • Take a look at how you spend your weekend — If you’re exhausted after two days off, schedule more leisure time for Saturday and Sunday.
  • Exercise on weekends — especially if your job involves physical labor. Working out will help keep your muscles loose so you’re much less likely to hurt yourself when you get back into action Monday.
  • Avoid heavy, fatty foods on Sunday night — Research shows that heart attacks frequently occur after eating like this, and many heart attacks happen on Monday mornings. By combining risky food with a risky day, you’re playing with fire.
  • Try to wrap up projects on Friday if you can — You won’t have to worry about the unfinished work all weekend — and you’ll arrive at work with a fresh outlook.
  • Allow extra time to get ready Monday mornings — Arriving late will add to your stress and get you off on the wrong foot.
  • Don’t over schedule your Mondays — Avoid setting urgent deadlines that day. Spread your workload out over the week.
  • Plan as few chores as possible for Monday nights — If you always do the laundry on Monday nights, for example, consider switching it to a different day. Use the time to unwind instead.
  • Line up a pleasant social activity for Monday — Have lunch with a co-worker or rent a video you’ve been wanting to see.
  • Eat breakfast Monday morning — Have an energizing meal of juice, cereal and some type of protein. If you don’t, your blood sugar will be so low by mid-morning that you’ll just be dragging your feet.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

MOVIE BOMBS?
Hollywood has begun rolling out the summer blockbusters, but how do you know which ones are good and which ones are turkeys before you shell out your money? The studios drop big hints if you know how to look for them. If the studios don’t screen a movie for critics, it’s a bomb. If a movie comes out in the dead of winter, late summer or early fall it’s probably lousy because those are usually dumping grounds for bad films. Another bad sign is if you don’t see the stars on TV plugging the film. That’s because they want to distance themselves from it. A good sign is if the movie gets a sneak peek for audiences. That means the studio is confident the public will like it, even if critics won’t.  ***MARLAR: I think the biggest indicator of a bad movie is if the movie trailers show the face of Adam Sandler.  Combine that with name Pauly Shore or Rob Schneider and it’s a guaranteed bomb.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP REASONS TO SING BASS

My church choir director has asked me to sing in the choir… and I’m not so sure that’s really what I want to do. So I took some advice from a friend and made a list of positives and negatives to singing bass in my church choir, and here’s what I came up with.

  • I wouldn’t have to worry about a woman replacing me.
  • Action heroes are always basses. That is — if they ever sang, they would sing bass.
  • I’d get great memorable lyrics to sing like be-bop, be-bop, ba-mow-wow.
  • I’d never need to learn to read the treble clef.
  • If I catch a cold, so what… I’m a bass… it’ll make my voices even lower.
  • For fun, basses can sing at the bottom of their range and fool people into thinking there’s an earthquake.
  • If you belch while you’re singing, the congregation just thinks it’s part of the score.
  • If the singing job doesn’t work out, there’s always broadcasting.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ONE IN TEN ADULTS PEE IN THE POOL

One in five adults pee in the pool. Welcome to summertime! How would you ever know? Check your eyes… it turns out that red eyes in the pool are associated with chloramine, a chemical created when urine combines with the chlorine that’s already in the pool. Oh, and it gets better, the study also found that 70% of us don’t shower before entering a pool, which spreads many diseases (according to the CDC). A quick 30 second shower will remove dirt, sweat and sunscreen before entering the pool.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Are you planning on a road trip this summer?  If so, you might want to keep this in mind to save you from getting lost!  Losing your Internet connection while traveling can be frustrating, especially when you’re relying on your phone’s GPS to tell you where to go. But you can now use Google maps even when you are offline. Plan ahead for these types of situations by downloading maps for offline use. Once you’ve downloaded an area, you’ll be able to get directions and view points of interest for that region even without an Internet connection. Still, there are some limitations to keep in mind. You can’t get walking, transit, or cycling directions while offline; only driving directions are available.

 

A Florida man who was moved by a homeless woman who never asked him for money, even though he passed her every day on his way to work, said he finally found a way to help her. According to ABC News, Greg Smith wrote in a now viral Facebook post that “Amy Jo” offered him polite greetings instead of requests for money as he went by her daily on his way to work in downtown Orlando. It led to the two having lunch every Tuesday. During one of those sitdowns, Amy Jo told Greg that she had never learned how to read. Greg continued. “So now not only do Amy Jo and I sit and have lunch, I’m teaching her to read.”

http://abcn.ws/26GmrfW

 

The drones we have today do everything from delivering packages to providing surveillance footage, but now we’re getting closer to something that could even save someone’s life. EHang, the company with the first autonomous drone on the market capable of transporting a human, has just sealed a deal that will use the drones to transfer donated organs to people in emergency situations. Pharmaceuticals and lung transplant tech company Lung Biotechnology PBC is acquiring up to 1,000 of EHang’s autonomous drones for its Manufactured Organ Transport vehicle system. No date has been given for when the first flights will take place, but the partnership is aggressively ramping up toward regular service.

http://on.mash.to/24qyiAa

 

What are your strong points and what blind spots should you beware of due to those strengths? That the subject of a new quiz from the Crossway organization. You can take the 10 part, one-page quiz here:

https://www.crossway.org/blog/blind-spots-quiz/

 

Robert Lee really, really hates to see food go to waste. That’s why he left his finance job at J.P Morgan to rescue leftover food from various restaurants around New York City and deliver them to homeless shelters. Every day, Robert and a band of volunteers collect the bagels, deli items, and catered food, knowing they’ll be tossed in the trash. Over the past two years, the organization Rescuing Leftover Cuisine has delivered 100,000 pounds of food to those in need by partnering with 50 food providers citywide.

http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/grad-leaves-wall-street-to-rescue-food-for-homeless/

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Scientist report that nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 03, 2016…

 

Me Before You—Emilia Clarke (“Game of Thrones”) takes on the role of a young woman who gets a job taking care of a man in a wheelchair (Sam Claflin from “The Hunger Games.”) The film is taken from the bestseller by Jojo Moyes. Bring hanky. “Me Before You” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping—Andy Samberg (“Brooklyn 9 9”) takes on the role of a star who wants to get on top again. His friends (Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer) try to help. Rather tongue-in-cheek. “Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping” (who thought up the title?) is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two: Out Of The Shadows—Fans, and you know who you are, will enjoy having Megan Fox back, as well as the Turtles in another adventure of hijinks and mayhem. Need I say more?  Watch for Stephen Amiel  from “Arrow“ as Casey Jones. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two: Out Of The Shadows” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for avid fans.

 

The Bye Bye Man—Here comes another horror film, this time with Doug Jones and it’s about college students (oh, no) who go into an old house (gasp) and find many problems. “The Bye Bye Man” is rated R. No rating.

 

JUNE 10, 2016…

 

The Conjuring 2 continues the adventures of two people who actually hunt ghosts and demons. Stars Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga.

 

Genius stars Jude Law as writer Thomas Wolfe and his work as a writer.

 

Now You See Me 2 continues the story of the master illusionists, called The Four Horseman. Stars Jesse Eisenberg and Daniel Ratcliffe.

 

Warcraft is adapted from the video game and stars Travis Fimmel and Pauoa Patton.

 

The Music Of Strangers is a documentary on the cello player Yo Yo Ma.

 

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