June 07, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180607
PDF: 20180607

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The best thing I can say about our radio station’s coffee?  I’m pretty sure it’s low-tar.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“How difficult it has been for mankind, in all ages and countries, to preserve their dearest rights and best privileges, impelled as it were by an irresistible fate of despotism.” – James Monroe

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'” –Matthew 22:37

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. — Ephesians 3:17-19

We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. — 1 Thessalonians 1:3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. — Proverbs 3:5-6

Thought: Trust. It can’t be half-hearted. Either it is full trust or it is clouded with suspicion. So as we face the everyday challenges of life, or as we look for answers in deep and difficult problems, let’s put our full trust in the LORD. Let’s ask for his wisdom and guidance as we make our choices. Let’s give him praise for the good in our life and seek his blessing for the days ahead. Why? Because he longs to bless us with life, both now, and forevermore.

Prayer: O LORD, my Lord, I place my trust in you. Please guide my steps as I seek to bring you glory. Help me in the decisions I face. Give me discernment as I seek to influence others and to share your grace with them. Give me the right words to say so that I can have a redemptive influence on my family, with my friends, and among my co-workers. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Galatians 6:7 NIV = Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 07, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
200 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is ACCORDION LOVERS DAY.  ***I’m sure all three of them will celebrate joyfully.

CHIEF SEATTLE DAY. The Lutheran church commemorates Chief Seattle of the Duwamish, who was famous for his environmental statement that said the land belongs to no one and everyone.  ***Of course, that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever… but environmentalists think it’s deep.

It’s NATIONAL CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM DAY.  ***And remember… chocolate ice cream belongs to no one, and to everyone.

TODAY IS ALSO…

(Daniel) Boone Day
VCR Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, JUNE 08

Banana Split Days
Ghostbusters Day
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Poultry Days
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 09

Belmont Stakes
Companies That Care Day
Donald Duck Day (Birthday)
Family Fitness and Health Day
International Archives Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Earl Baltes Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day

World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
World Gin Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Children’s Sunday
Iced Tea Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Race Unity Day

MONDAY, JUNE 11

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 12

Call Your Doctor Day
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
Loving Day
National Jerky Day
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
Superman Day
Victims of Orlando, Florida Attack Day
World Day Against Child Labor
World Pet Memorial Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13

Brain Injury Awareness Day
International Albinism Awareness Day
Random Acts of Light
Roller Coaster Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 14

Army’s Birthday
Family History Day
Flag Day
International Bath Day
National Bourbon Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
(World) Blood Donor Day
National Nursing Assistants Day

ON THIS DAY

1913: During a revival at Pokagon, Michigan, Ohio-born Methodist evangelist George Bennard introduced a new song he had composed entitled “The Old Rugged Cross.”

1924: The ruthless criminal Joey Chill shot and killed millionaire Thomas Wayne while Wayne’s wife Martha watched in horror, then died of a heart attack. The couple’s son, Bruce Wayne, dedicated himself to fighting crime as the caped crusader Batman.

1930: The New York Times announced it would begin capitalizing the word “Negro.”

1937: Actress Jean Harlow died at age 26 of a gallbladder infection. Her mother’s religion prohibited seeking medical treatment. Actor Clark Gable was a pallbearer at the funeral; Jeanette MacDonald sang “The Indian Love Call.”

1955: Quizmaster Hal March introduced the “isolation booth” to TV’s $64,000 Question. Contestants were locked inside the sound-proof glass booth for the final series of questions that led to the grand prize. ***Nowadays it’s a sound-proof glass booth for the 64-dollar morning radio show.

1955: The final “Lux Radio Theater” aired ending 21 years on NBC Radio.

1969: “The Johnny Cash Show” debuted as a summer replacement on ABC-TV. It returned as a regular weekly show in 1970 and 1971. Regulars included Mother Maybelle and the Carter Family, the Statler Brothers, Carl Perkins, and the Tennessee Three. In the summer of 1976, the show aired on CBS, featuring new comics Steve Martin and Jim Varney.

1972: The musical “Grease” opened on Broadway. The ’50s style musical lasted through April 13, 1980 for 3,388 performances. (audio clip)

1975: Actor Ron Howard married Cheryl Alley.

1979: Singer Chuck Berry was charged with three counts of tax evasion. The next day he sang at the White House at a Black Music Association gala.

1991: Singer Alan Jackson became the 68th member of Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry.

1993: The artist once upon a time known as Prince changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol. ***He then changed it back to Prince though… making him “The artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince.”

1997: A presidential commission approved a report concluding that cloning a human being was “morally unacceptable,” but that research using cells of humans and animals should be allowed.

2003: An Austrian motorist blew up his car when he tried to open it with his remote control key. Police said the man was carrying two leaking containers of oxy-acetylene gas in his car trunk. The remote caused a spark that set off the explosion. No one was injured but eight other cars were damaged. ***But it did get the doors open.

2004: The Tampa Bay Lightning defeated the Calgary Flames 2-1 in playoff game seven to win their first Stanley Cup.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1099: The armies of the First Crusade (1096-99) reached the walls of Jerusalem.

1502: Ugo Buoncompagni is born in Bologna. As Pope Gregory XIII (1572-1585), he issued the Gregorian calendar, supported the Inquisition, promoted the Counter-Reformation, and encouraged missions.

1891: English Baptist clergyman Charles H. Spurgeon preached the last sermon of his 38-year-long ministry at London’s Metropolitan Tabernacle. He died the following January.

1913: Ohio-born Methodist evangelist George Bennard introduced his new hymn, “The Old Rugged Cross,” during a revival he was conducting at Pokagon, Michigan.

1934: Wycliffe Bible Translators held its first study course in linguistics at Sulphur Springs, Arkansas. The training session lasted 3 months.

1959: English apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in a letter: “If we really think that home is elsewhere and that this life is a ‘wandering to find home,’ why should we not look forward to the arrival?”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Arrested Development”, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World) Michael Cera, 30

  • Tennis player Anna Kournikova 37

  • actor (Star Trek Ito Darkness, Dredd, Pete’s Dragon, “Almost Human”) Karl Urban, 46

  • British actress (Emily Waltham on TV’s “Friends”) Helen Baxendale 48 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Kinsey, Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, Schindler’s List, Batman Begins, Darkman) Liam Neeson, 66

  • Former talk show host Jenny Jones, 72

  • Actor (Eddie Haskel on “Leave It To Beaver”) Ken Osmond, 75 — Ken was an LAPD cop for 18 years, and was shot 3 times by one suspect in the line of duty. After that he battled depression. Today he is a vintage car enthusiast and real estate investor. (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Dean Martin

1940 : Tom Jones

1944 : Clarence White (The Byrds)

1955 : Joey Scarbury

1958 : Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson)
1964 : Ecstacy (Whodini)

1966 : Eric Kretz (Stone Temple Pilots)

1967 : Dave Navarro (Jane’s Addiction)

1974 : T-Low (Next)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Can you be bored to death… literally?

A new university study reveals you can be bored to death. Dr. Pers Lundgrem of the Norwegian Heart Institute in Oslo says, “prolonged boredom cause the body to release low levels of adrenaline, the same hormone which is produced when war are frightened or angry.” This can cause blood pressure and heart rate to sky rocket. Normally when we get an adrenaline rush we are able to expend it through fight or flight. But when the cause is boredom, there is not such pressure release and the levels increase until they reach lethal proportions.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Crayola is coming out with a makeup line.   ***As thick as the makeup is on today’s teenagers, I thought Crayola already had a line of eyeliners and lipstick.   (Do you think the cosmetics will come in a box that has a built in crayon sharpener?)

Oprah is buying a 43-acre estate on Orcas Island, up in the San Juan Islands of Washington state for $8.275 million. ***You gotta admire Oprah; it takes a brave woman to be overweight yet positive enough to buy land named after a kind of whale.

The International House of Pancakes, or IHOP says it’s changing its name to IHOb, and it will explain why this coming Monday. The 60-year-old franchise’s announcement was made on Twitter on Tuesday saying: “For 60 pancakin’ years, we’ve been IHOP. Now, we’re flippin’ our name to IHOb.” Speculation is that the “B” will stand for breakfast – or maybe brunch. Others think it’s a PR stunt to promote some new bacon-related menu items.  ***Personally, I think it stands for “International House of Botulism.”

There’s more talk about grabbing the rest of the cast of “Roseanne” and bring them all back for another season. ***I would say that is utterly ridiculous, but so was bringing back John Goodman despite him dying in the first run of the series – so who knows anymore?

So, the North Korea Summit is on, but the Philadelphia Eagles summit was canceled. The day before the team was supposed to make it’s Super Bowl victory visit to the White House, President Trump dis-invited them because of comments made by several members of the team and the whole national anthem issue.  ***Someone should make sure “The Star Spangled Banner” plays during Kim Jong Un’s visit – and someone should tell him to kneel as it plays, just to see what happens.  Tell me you wouldn’t watch that.

It turns out that the fast food restaurant Kim Jong Un wants to open in North Korea is a McDonald’s.  ***That’s not going to help him much with that pudgy figure of his.

Fire crews are supposed to save people, but in Phoenix, a man was in critical condition after a fire crew ran over or bumped into him in the driveway of a fire station while responding to a call. Sgt. Armando Carbajal with the Phoenix Police Department said that a crew was leaving the Phoenix Fire Station No. 3 when the incident occurred. Firefighters reportedly “heard a bump noise” and saw a backpack on the ground when they looked in the rearview mirror of their vehicle. Crews immediately started to treat the man and transported him to a local hospital.  ***While being treated the man said, “Gee you guys were in a rush – where’s the fire?”

Howard Schultz is stepping down from his role as executive chairman of Starbucks, effective June 26. The rumor is still out there he might run for president in two years.   ***If one of his campaign promises will be to give all Americans free Starbucks for life, he’s getting my vote.

A Middletown, Connecticut woman got upset over her Wendy’s order and hit the cashier with a burger. She’ll be in court June 15.  ***Fighting the charge of “Assault With a Delicious Weapon.”

Pot is not the only gateway to the munchies. Not getting enough sleep will have your reaching for cheesy puffs too: University of Chicago researchers discovered that getting fewer than five hours of sleep per night produces higher levels of a lipid (endocannabinoid) that makes starchy and sweet foods more pleasurable to eat. ***And you might as well just give up if you’re getting too little sleep because you’re staying up late to smoke weed.

There are have been over 9,900 earthquakes in Hawaii the past 30 days. ***It’s happening so much that you no longer have to be moving to get the hula girl dancing on your car’s dashboard.

A survey reveals what many fathers have been saying for years: Dads do, in fact, get slighted on Father’s Day. The study reports that 86% of Americans shell out more money on Mother’s Day than they do on Father’s Day.  ***This is exactly why I ask my dad for money every year so I can buy him a Father’s Day gift.

A couple of weeks after Meghan Markle got married, her first husband, Trevor Engleson, announced his engagement.  ***Sounds like he was waiting until the very end on the off chance Meghan might change her mind.

A historic Memphis, Tennessee, theater, which has shown “Gone With the Wind” screenings for 34 years, has decided to remove the classic film from its schedule due to its racially “insensitive” content.  ***You expect this kind of idiocy in California – but who knew pansies lived in Tennessee?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Where’s the world’s largest pyramid? No, it’s not there, not even close to there. It’s on the other side of the earth, in Cholula de Rivadabia, Mexico. This pyramid tops out at 177 feet and covers 45 acres. This pyramid could run circles – well, maybe triangles – around Egypt’s Great Pyramid of Cheops, which reaches no higher than 130 feet and accounts for a mere 13 acres. ***As of today, neither pyramid contains a Starbucks.

A new study concludes that dolphins and humans perceive the world “in fundamentally similar ways”. ***That’s why I almost never argue politics with a dolphin.

Britain’s Economic and Social Research Council surveyed women in both the UK and Portugal to find out what makes women happy. They discovered women today are happier having the freedom to have careers and wouldn’t want to be forced to be stay-at-home moms, although they do want families. Their male partners do more housework than they used to, but they’d like them to do more. So the formula for happiness for a woman is that she wants a good job, a family, and a husband who does housework. This study cost British taxpayers $281,000 (US). ***From the British Department of Studying The Obvious.

Running on empty may not be such a bad idea after all. Though many athletes eat before training, some scientists say that if you really want to get rid of more fat, you should skip the pre-workout snack. ***But can I still have my mid-workout Kit Kat?

Smartphones used for solving business problems at night can result in a hangover. Research (Michigan State University) shows using a smartphone to cram in more work at night results in less work the next day. The reason is simple: They keep us mentally engaged late into the evening, they make it hard to detach from work so we can relax and fall asleep. ***In other words, iPhones cause hangovers.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was busy composing beautiful classical music in his tree house. He was working hard to come up with just the right tune, and he was about to share his new composition with Sully the Aardvark!

CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really must be a talented guy! Sounds like Millard may be a bit envious of Mozart’s skills and talents. C’mon, let’s face it… it’s not that easy to compose great classical music. Or find Waldo for that matter! Tune in next time to see what happens, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Cutbacks and layoff are never fun… but they can be funny!

In 2006, Walkers Potato Chips, a Pepsi-owned British potato chip company, laid off 250 employees.  Laying off 250 workers at one time doesn’t take a lot of genius, unless you consider that the person who did the laying off still has his job.  But the true Moment of DUH is in the details of the firings.  Each person who was fired received a nice parting gift from his ex-employer.  You guessed it… the goodbye “gift” was a bag of potato chips.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR MECHANIC DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING

10. “We like to think we run a classy joint, so we used black duct tape to seal your tire. That way no one will notice.”

9. You hear squealing underneath the hood; he’s thoroughly convinced there are mice trapped in there somewhere.

8. The message he left saying your brake job won’t be done until tomorrow because he “ran out of rubber bands.”

7. He said the alternator was full and that it was in perfect pitch after the tune up.

6. The only tool you see in the shop is one enormous roll of duct tape.

5. Believing all carbs are bad, he removes your carburetor.

4. You take your car in for a “tuneup” and he pulls out a pitch pipe.

3. Sees brake fluid leak, freaks out at the sight of “blood”.

2. On his itemized invoice: Pointy thing – $200, Roundish thing – $150, Scary looking box with the wires – $300

1. When he was finished he gave you the extra bolts to keep.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Gas prices drive one man to crime – and to a severe burn unit.

FILE #1: From the ‘crime doesn’t pay’ file…19-year-old Glen B. Germain Jr., of Warrensburg, New York, thought he would beat the high cost of gasoline by stealing it. Had he been smart, he would’ve just bought the gas. Alas, he wasn’t and decided to check how his gasoline siphoning efforts were going by lighting a match. The ensuing blaze destroyed a forklift and gave Glen fourth-degree burns.

FILE #2: You can bet Juan Catalan will never let his HBO subscription expire. He just won $320,000 from the city of Los Angeles to settle his lawsuit over having been held in jail for five months for a 2003 murder he could not have committed. Juan maintained all along that he had been at a Dodgers baseball game at the time of the crime, with his 6-year-old daughter, but police never bought it. It wasn’t until Juan’s lawyer discovered that the HBO TV show “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had been filming at Dodger Stadium that day for an episode and, poring over time-stamped outtakes of crowd shots, finally found a scene with Juan and his daughter in the stands!

FILE #3: A man in Georgia received a speeding ticket for going 90 MPH in a 25 Mph speed zone. His appearance in court was somewhat amusing! The excuse he gave to the judge was that he had taken a laxative and was in urgent need to make it home before mother nature made her speedy relief. He still had to pay the ticket.

STRANGE LAW: In Jonesboro, Georgia, it’s illegal to say, “Oh boy!”

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Sometimes it’s best to look in the mirror first, before grabbing the aspiring for your splitting headache.

A Russian man woke up with a splitting headache after a heavy drinking session to find a kitchen knife stuck in his face. The man had invited a friend for a drink but went to bed early after telling his friend he was tired of hearing him moan. He woke up later that night with a splitting headache and went to the bathroom to get a glass of water — and that’s when he noticed the knife sticking out of his face, just below his eye. After calling for an ambulance, the knife was removed in a 40-minute operation. He’ll escape with only a small scar on his face. Police have confirmed that they found his friend’s fingerprints on the knife.  ***MARLAR: If ever there was evidence that drinking alcohol is a bad idea…

PHONER PHUN

ILLEGAL MARRIAGES

What would you do if you suddenly found out that you were not legally married? Ten couples in Czechoslovakia are facing that question right now.

Ten Czechoslovakian couples now have to get remarried because their marriages were deemed illegal. It was discovered that the former mayor of Prague performed weddings – even though she was not officially registered to do so. So, according to a council spokesman, “Strictly speaking, these marriages are illegal.” The council is going to apologize to the couples, and is considering some type of financial compensation.

PHONER: Could it EVER be enough money? As long as these couples honestly and truly believed that they were married, do you think God is okay with it? What should they do now that they’re marriage has been deemed illegal?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said these last words: “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. Lord, lay not this sin to their charge.”?

ANSWER: Stephen (Acts 7:59-60)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the number one name for newborn boys in the year 2002?

ANSWER: Jacob, followed by Michael, Matthew, Joshua, Nicholas, Christopher, Joseph, Ethan, Andrew, Daniel

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Avengers was the first British show ever to air in a U.S. network’s prime time fall schedule. (True)

2. Carrie Underwood was country music’s first female millionaire. (False, Loretta Lynn, at age 30 in 1965)

3. Rolling Stone magazine debuted on November 9, 1967. (True)

4. The first Hispanic to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was Jennifer Lopez. (False, Carlos Santana)

5. William Shatner commanded the “Battlestar Galactica.” (False, Lorne Green)

6. Celebrity Fabio was promoting a roller coaster ride when a bird flew into his face. (True)

7. Seattle has a major league baseball team named for the “Cyanocitta cristata” – a Blue Jay bird. (False, Toronto)

8. USA was the host country of the Soccer World Cup in 1982. (False, Spain)

9. According to the title of the 1986 Steve Martin movie, there were “Two Amigos”. (False, Three)

10. The TV show “Emergency!” was set at a Hospital in the city of Chicago. (False, Los Angeles) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIEN SPACESHIP FOUND IN ______ SEA (BALTIC)

An international team of oceanic experts have found an alien ship from Planet Gootan National on the bottom of the Baltic Sea.

The ship was abandoned, but experts from the U.N. Panel of Extraterrestrials told WWN that the Gootans were using the Baltic Sea as a base to spy on humans.

The U.N. dispatched a team of experts in Unidentified Submarine Objects (USOs) to the Baltic Sea accompanied by an elite Navy SEALS team.  The U.S. military has been conducting a vast underwater reconnaissance of Gootan activities, ever since the Gootans landed three large ships on Earth in November, 2011.

Some are saying the ship looks like the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A very elderly gentleman of 90+ years, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated alone at the bar was an elderly looking 80+ year lady.

The gentleman walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

JOKE #2

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

“Why not?” my friend asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”

“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”

“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

JOKE #3

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a meadow near her castle.  The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”  That night, on a meal of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, “I don’t think so!”

USELESS FACTS

A University of Minnesota study found that kids who eat breakfast are less likely to be overweight.  ***So before you leave the house, be sure to finish that Red Bull and pack of Ho-Hos.

The color of the twisty ties indicates what day of the week it was made: Blue: Monday, Green: Tuesday, Red: Thursday, White: Friday, and Yellow: Saturday.

FEATURED FUNNIES

MANLY EXPLANATION

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it that you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are week, dumb, cantankerous…or what?”

“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CYBER SINS

The Vatican has said “no” to the Internet… at least when it comes to confessions.

It’s amazing what you can do on the internet nowadays. You can plan a vacation, work on a report for work or school, shop for all sorts of things including food, and… unfortunately… there are also numerous ways to sin online (which I will not go into here). But can you get those sins forgiven online? The Vatican says “No.” According to the Vatican, the Roman Catholic Church is going to rule out giving confessions online. In fact, they’ve gone so far as to say that online confessions will NEVER happen. ***MARLAR: That’s probably a good thing. After all, can you imagine having to type 12 “Hail Marys”, 7 “Lord’s Prayers” and an “Act of Contrition” as your penance? And once you’ve typed out your penance, who do you send the email to? What if you get carpal-tunnel syndrome, start thinking bad things, and then have to go to confession all over again?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GRANDMA’S HANDS

Grandma, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn’t move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn’t acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK. She raised her head and looked at me and smiled.

 “Yes, I’m fine, thank you for asking,” she said in a clear strong voice. “I didn’t mean to disturb you, grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK,” I explained to her.

 “Have you ever looked at your hands,” she asked. “I mean really looked at your hands?” I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.

 Grandma smiled and related this story: “Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years. These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. “They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots. They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. “They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent. They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special.

 They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. “They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn’t understand “They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. “These hands are the mark of where I’ve been and the ruggedness of life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ.”

 I will never look at my hands the same again.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A DAILY BEAUTY

READ: Acts 6:9-15

All who sat in the council, looking steadfastly at him, saw his face as the face of an angel. —Acts 6:15

When you look in a mirror, what do you see? Do you see a lovely reflection? A handsome face? Or do you see a plain or unattractive countenance?

We want to give those who behold us what my friend called an aesthetic blessing. But what about the beauty of holiness? Are others blessed by the beauty that flows through us from Christ?

A distinguished Bible scholar of the 19th century, J. B. Lightfoot, was described by one of his devoted students as “startlingly ugly: a stout little man with a grotesque figure and a squint.” But that same student also said that Lightfoot was “the best man I have ever encountered, and I say this deliberately after the experience of many years. In a day or two . . . his face appeared the most beautiful and lovable thing imaginable.”

When Stephen was brought before the Jewish council for interrogation, “they were not able to resist the wisdom and the Spirit by which he spoke” (Acts 6:10). As he was being accused, they “saw his face as the face of an angel” (v.15).

By God’s transforming grace, we too can have a daily beauty in our lives. As we walk prayerfully in the Spirit, our faces increasingly reflect the beauty of Jesus.

—Vernon C Grounds

Let the beauty of Jesus be seen in me,
All His wonderful passion and purity;
O Thou Spirit divine, all my nature refine
Till the beauty of Jesus is seen in me.  —Orsborn

Nothing can dim the beauty that shines from within.

LEFTOVERS

THE DOG ATE MY ANKLE BRACELET
The excuse “the dog ate it” doesn’t work for all situations.

A Scottish man under house arrest has blamed his dog for eating through the electronic tag attached to his ankle.  This is not the first time the dog has been the culprit – the 24 year old man says his hound jumped into his lap and caused a car accident, which is the reason he was under arrest in the first place.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO SURVIVE MONDAYS

Everyone hates Mondays. In fact, they can actually be hazardous to your health. But you can take some of the stress out of the day and actually start the workweek feeling good, with the help of famed psychologist Dr. Robert Butterworth. “Mondays are so stressful that they can be life-threatening,” declares Dr. Butterworth. “The highest proportion of workplace injuries on Monday.” He says Mondays are also characterized by an increase in on-the-job heart attacks. Here are 10 great tips from Dr. Butterworth, to get you sailing instead of slumping into work:

  • Don’t stay out late Sunday night — Just take it easy and on Monday morning you’ll head for work and refreshed and raring to go.

  • Take a look at how you spend your weekend — If you’re exhausted after two days off, schedule more leisure time for Saturday and Sunday.

  • Exercise on weekends — especially if your job involves physical labor. Working out will help keep your muscles loose so you’re much less likely to hurt yourself when you get back into action Monday.

  • Avoid heavy, fatty foods on Sunday night — Research shows that heart attacks frequently occur after eating like this, and many heart attacks happen on Monday mornings. By combining risky food with a risky day, you’re playing with fire.

  • Try to wrap up projects on Friday if you can — You won’t have to worry about the unfinished work all weekend — and you’ll arrive at work with a fresh outlook.

  • Allow extra time to get ready Monday mornings — Arriving late will add to your stress and get you off on the wrong foot.

  • Don’t over schedule your Mondays — Avoid setting urgent deadlines that day. Spread your workload out over the week.

  • Plan as few chores as possible for Monday nights — If you always do the laundry on Monday nights, for example, consider switching it to a different day. Use the time to unwind instead.

  • Line up a pleasant social activity for Monday — Have lunch with a co-worker or rent a video you’ve been wanting to see.

  • Eat breakfast Monday morning — Have an energizing meal of juice, cereal and some type of protein. If you don’t, your blood sugar will be so low by mid-morning that you’ll just be dragging your feet.

JUST FOR FUN

MOVIE BOMBS?
Hollywood has begun rolling out the summer blockbusters, but how do you know which ones are good and which ones are turkeys before you shell out your money? The studios drop big hints if you know how to look for them. If the studios don’t screen a movie for critics, it’s a bomb. If a movie comes out in the dead of winter, late summer or early fall it’s probably lousy because those are usually dumping grounds for bad films. Another bad sign is if you don’t see the stars on TV plugging the film. That’s because they want to distance themselves from it. A good sign is if the movie gets a sneak peek for audiences. That means the studio is confident the public will like it, even if critics won’t.  ***I think the biggest indicator of a bad movie is if the movie trailers show the face of Adam Sandler or Amy Schumer.

FUN LIST

TOP REASONS TO SING BASS

My church choir director has asked me to sing in the choir… and I’m not so sure that’s really what I want to do. So I took some advice from a friend and made a list of positives and negatives to singing bass in my church choir, and here’s what I came up with.

  • I wouldn’t have to worry about a woman replacing me.

  • Action heroes are always basses. That is — if they ever sang, they would sing bass.

  • I’d get great memorable lyrics to sing like be-bop, be-bop, ba-mow-wow.

  • I’d never need to learn to read the treble clef.

  • If I catch a cold, so what… I’m a bass… it’ll make my voices even lower.

  • For fun, basses can sing at the bottom of their range and fool people into thinking there’s an earthquake.

  • If you belch while you’re singing, the congregation just thinks it’s part of the score.

  • If the singing job doesn’t work out, there’s always broadcasting.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

ONE IN TEN ADULTS PEE IN THE POOL

One in five adults pee in the pool. Welcome to summertime! How would you ever know? Check your eyes… it turns out that red eyes in the pool are associated with chloramine, a chemical created when urine combines with the chlorine that’s already in the pool. Oh, and it gets better, the study also found that 70% of us don’t shower before entering a pool, which spreads many diseases (according to the CDC). A quick 30 second shower will remove dirt, sweat and sunscreen before entering the pool.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Mean people make more money than nice guys. Researchers from Notre Dame, Cornell and the University of Western Ontario have found that those who are nice at work — that is, in the sense of being agreeable — make less money than people who are mean. While there are definite advantages to being nice to others at work, including the fact that you will be better liked by your co-workers, the bottom line is that “agreeableness is negatively related to income and earnings,” conclude the authors. Translation: Nice guys earn less. And it really does apply mostly to guys. Men who are nice at work in defiance of gender stereotypes take a hit financially, while women who are mean don’t reap the same benefits in their paychecks as do mean men.

If you’ve gained a few pounds lately and can’t figure out why, it’s possible your smartphone is to blame. Smartphone users are the new couch potatoes. Using a smartphone is a lot like watching television in that it can significantly decrease your levels of physical activity and fitness. Using a cell phone doesn’t have the same kind of negative stigma that sitting on the couch and watching TV has, but it can be just as bad for you. On average, the students participating in the study spent almost five hours a day on their smartphones, including sending hundreds of text messages. Those who spent the most time on their phones — up to 14 hours a day — were less fit than those who averaged about 1.5 hours of use daily. Heavy smartphone users also reported engaging in more sedentary activities, such as watching TV and movies, using a computer and playing video games, than those who used their phones less.  ***If only they made a phone app to fix this problem…

All the years of your parents saying “NO” to ice cream for breakfast may have actually stunted your brilliance. A 2016 study by a professor at Kyorin University in Tokyo reveals that eating a certain amount of ice cream immediately after waking up in the morning can actually make you smarter. According to the study, test subjects who indulged in ice cream immediately upon waking up and right before participating in a series of computer exercises had an increased reaction rate and were better able to process information.

http://cwphilly.cbslocal.com/2016/11/23/study-ice-cream-for-breakfast-boosts-brain-performance/

Not eating a lot of nuts? You should be they’ve been shown to lower cholesterol, boost heart health, and even lengthen life. If you’re still not sold, try this: A new study out of Boston’s Brigham and Women’s Hospital found that people who eat five or more servings of nuts per week have less inflammation, you know, the culprit linked to heart disease and cancer. They suggest walnuts, for the heart healthy omega-3s, but almonds and cashews are also tough nuts to beat.  ***How about peanuts?  Specifically peanut butter.. and jelly.  That’s what I’m going with.

If you want to live happily ever after, then beware Twitter. If you spend too much time tweeting, then it could have a negative effect on your marriage — even in stable, long-term relationships, reports HealthDay News. And that friction can be so intense it leads to cheating and breakups. Why? Time spent online is time spent away from your partner and family responsibilities. The study found:

  • The survey participants used Twitter, on average, about 52 minutes a day, five days a week.

  • Those who used Twitter a lot reported that the time they spent online created high amounts of conflict, and that, in turn, led to cheating or the failure of the relationship.

  • The conflict occurred no matter how long the couple had been in the relationship.

  • Twitter overuse can cause someone to neglect his or her partner.

  • When people read public tweets to keep tabs on their partner’s activities, it can create friction.

What can couples do? In addition to sharing a Twitter account, which has been shown to reduce conflict over use, set a personal time limit for using Twitter and involve your partner in this decision.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Scientists report that nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 01, 2018…

Action Point—So you own a broken down amusement park and live on the edge. What can go wrong? This is the life of owner Johnny Knoxville (the “Jackass” films) as he tries to figure out ways is to stay in business. Expect pratfalls and humor as in the old vaudeville days, plus…how in the world did they do those stunts? “Action Point” is rated R. No rating.

American Animals—This rather dark comedy concerns college students who want to steal precious art objects. What is with stealing these days? “Ocean’s 8” opens next week and that’s about a robbery, too. Anyway, this film is set in 2004 and the people are after rare books from a library in Kentucky. Based on a real life event and Evan Peters stars as the real Warren Lipka.  Cast includes  Blake Jenner and Jared Abrahamson. “American Animals” is rated R. No rating.

Adrift—Ready for a survival film?  This one is about what happens after a major hurricane and two people are lost at sea. The couple are Shailene  Woodley and Sam Clafin at a loss. Well there is always the salt water to contend with, plus plenty of wind, and anything else you can think of. Unfortunately, with the major storms happening each year of late, one must be aware on the water. “Adrift” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for boating fans.

A Kid Like Jake—Adapted from the stage play by Daniel Pearle, this story is about a couple (Claire Danes and Jim Parsons) who discover they have a gender-changing child. What to do?  Acceptance or non-acceptance, conform or non-conforming are the issues within the story. Also in in the cast is Leo James Davis. “A Kid Like Jake” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

Upgrade—A science fiction film, this story is about a man (Logan Marshall-Green) who can’t walk, but is given this ability through an implant. What happens then? Not celebrate, as he goes after the people who killed his family and thought he was dead. Revenge. Also in the cast is Betty Gabriel. “Upgrade” is rated PG 13. No rating.

JUNE 08, 2018…

Ocean’s 8 is a remake of the”Oceans” films with George Clooney.  This time, the ladies take on the heist. Stars Sandra Bullock and Anne Hathaway.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor is a documentary on the life of the television favorite, “Mr. Rogers.” Much missed.

Hotel Artemis concerns criminals who come to a certain place for medical attention. Set in a future Los Angeles. Stars Charlie Day and Jodie Foster.

Hereditary is a horror film starring Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Disintegration of a family.

Hearts Beat Loud has Nick Offerman starting a band with his family.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.