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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS
***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150608
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Guests on today’s show will receive the exciting new self-help book entitled, “How to Control Embarrassing Foot Odor by Stomping Grapefruits.”
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. — Joel 2:23
The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. — 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. — 1 Peter 1:13
Thought: The reward of delayed gratification! If there were ever a verse that did NOT match the whims of our “modern” society, this would have to be it! Prepare… be self-controlled… focus your hopes on the future… none of those is an advertising slogan, but they all are the sustaining truths of the great souls who have gone before us!
Prayer: Eternal God, please help me have the patience and faithfulness to let you fully form in me the character and the wisdom that my world so much lacks and I so much need. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Micah 6:8 NIV = …And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 08, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 201 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is UPSY DAISY DAY, a day to remind people to get up gratefully and gleefully each morning. ***MARLAR: Yeah right… like that’s ever going to happen! I can see being grateful for another day in which to live, but “gleeful”? Heck, I don’t hit “tolerable” until 8am!
It’s NATIONAL JELLY DOUGHNUT DAY. ***MARLAR: Well, had I known jelly doughnuts would be involved, I would’ve been more cheery about Upsy Daisy Day.
Today is PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT DAY. A day to remember as many outdated and corny expressions as possible. Here’s a list to get started.
- Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
- Don’t take any wooden nickels.
- See you in the funny papers.
- That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
- I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
- Look what the cat dragged in!
- I’m too pooped to pop.
- It isn’t worth a plug nickel.
- Someone put a bug in my ear.
- See ya later, alligator. After while, crocodile.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Upsy Daisy Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, JUNE 09
World Pet Memorial Day
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
THURSDAY, JUNE 11
Corn On The Cob
National Cotton Candy Day
FRIDAY, JUNE 12
Banana Split Days (12-13)
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
National Lemonade Day (12-14)
National Jerky Day
World Day Against Child Labor
SATURDAY, JUNE 13
International Young Eagles Day
SUNDAY, JUNE 14
Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Family History Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
Race Unity Day
MONDAY, JUNE 15
Native American Citizenship Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
Ride to Work Day (Motorcycles)
ON THIS DAY
1926: Babe Ruth blasted a home run over the right-field roof of Tiger Stadium in Detroit. The ball landed on Plum Street and rolled on the pavement, stopping 850 feet from home plate. No home run ball ever traveled farther.
1941: Hollywood’s first “camp show” was staged at California’s Camp Roberts before 20,000 soldiers. Stars included the comedy team Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy and comic Chico Marx.
1961: Elvis Presley’s seventh film, “Wild in the Country,” premiered.
1965: Pepsi-Cola and Frito-Lay merged to form PepsiCo, Inc.
1969: The New York Yankees retired #7 on Mickey Mantle Day. A crowd of 60,096 paid to honor Mantle.
1974: The #1 U.S. country song was Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.” She had written it to duet partner Porter Wagoner when she left to pursue a solo career. The song hit again in 1982 by Dolly, in 1992 by Whitney Houston, and in 1995 by Dolly and Vince Gill.
1987: Burglars trying to blow a safe in Munkebo, Denmark, used too much explosive. The entire building was demolished—but the safe was still closed.
1988: Nippon Airways announced that bird collisions had decreased by 20% since it painted eyeballs on its jetliners. ***MARLAR: And a fifty percent decrease in new passengers because the planes scared the crud out of them.
1991: Battle Creek, Michigan, served breakfast to 44,938 people, a new world record.
1993: The Houston Chronicle reported the late Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh was obsessed with Madonna. The singer had no comment.
1998: The National Rifle Association elected actor Charlton Heston as its president. ***MARLAR: Here are your ten commandments… including one that says “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” And now, a word from our sponsor about the benefits of handguns…
2000: A Mike Madano goal finally ended the NHL’s longest scoreless game in Stanley Cup finals history. The fifth game of the series between the Dallas Stars and the New Jersey Devils lasted 106 minutes and 21 seconds.
2002: Serena Williams won the French Open, defeating her older sister, Venus, 7-5, 6-3.
2003: Police in Stillwater, Oklahoma, arrested a 20-year-old man during a construction job interview when employees recognized him as the man video-taped robbing company the day before. Needless to say, he didn’t get the job.
2004: The planet Venus passed in front of the sun. It won’t happen again until 2120. ***MARLAR: So be sure to mark your calendars!
2007: Washington State Police arrested a Seattle man and woman for driving both erratically and erotically. Police say both were obviously drunk and naked, suggesting too much intimacy behind the wheel can be distracting and dangerous.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
793: Vikings attack the monastery at Lindisfarne, Scotland. The date is often considered the first event of the “Viking Age”
1536: Ten Articles of Religion were published by the English clergy, in support of Henry VIII’s Declaration of Supremacy. The Anglican Church had begun defining its doctrinal distinctions, after breaking with Roman Catholicism.
1794: French revolutionaries replace Christianity with a deistic religion honoring a trinity of “Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity.” They renamed churches “Temples of Reason,” and a new calendar announced a 10-day week and holidays commemorating events of the revolution. Napolean recognized the church again in 1804, then proceeded to imprison Pope Pius VII.
1810: Birth of German composer Robert A. Schumann, who composed the sacred tune CANONBURY, to which is commonly sung the hymn, “Lord Speak to Me That I May Speak.”
1942: Unevangelized Fields Mission (UFM) was incorporated in Philadelphia. Today this interdenominational mission agency works in a dozen countries in Latin America, Europe and Africa.
1973: The American Society of Missiology was founded in St. Louis. The ecumenical organization seeks to stimulate an academic interest in Christian missions, and publishes the journal Missiology: An International Review.
1978: Through the voice of its president Spencer W. Kimball, the Mormon Church reversed a 148-year-long policy of spiritual discrimination against African-American leadership within the denomination.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (“Medical Investigation”, “Lie to Me”, “The Practice”) Kelli Williams 45 (
- Actress (“ER”) Juliana Margulies 48 (
- actor (“Related”, Enough, “Judging Amy”) Dan Futterman 48 (
- Actor/producer/screenwriter (“In Living Color”) Keenen Ivory Wayans, 57 (
- Cartoonist (“Dilbert”) Scott Adams, 58
- Actress (“Picket Fences”, “Boston Public”) Kathy Baker, 65 (
- Comedian/TV host Joan Rivers, 82
- actor-comedian (“Seinfeld”, Zoolander, “The King of Queens”) Jerry Stiller 88 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1810 : Robert Schumann
1936 : James Darren
1940 : Nancy Sinatra
1942 : Chuck Negron (Three Dog Night)
1944 : Boz Scaggs
1947 : Mick Box (Uriah Heep)
1953 : Bonnie Tyler
1956 : Greg Ginn (Black Flag)
1960 : Mick Hucknall (Simply Red)
1962 : Nick Rhodes (Duran Duran)
1970 : Nicci Gilbert (Brownstone)
1977 : Kanye West
1981 : Alex Band (The Calling)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
How do pearls come to exist?
Pearls are formed inside the shell of certain bivalve mollusks, i.e. mollusks which shell is made of two more or less symmetrical parts (valves). The valves are kept open for most of the time so the oyster can eat.
The formation of a pearl begins when a foreign substance enters the shell. In response to such irritation the mollusk begins covering the irritant with the layers of nacre (mother-of-pearl), the material which lines the inside of the shell.
A good sized pearl can take between three to six years to form, which is usually the entire life of the oyster or mollusk.
The process of creating the cultured pearls was first developed by Kokichi Mikimoto in Japan, and patented in 1896. Cultured pearls are created by the same process as natural pearls, but the irritants are placed in the oysters by the pearl harvesters.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Jamie Grace is well known on stage but that isn’t the only thing she likes to do. She tweeted: I love getting to teach every week at my church! not only am I putting my bible degree to work but it’s challenging me so much and I’ve been able to grow in what I know about the Bible and how I learn about it. Jamie leads a class called Retro Tuesdays for 18-25 year olds at her parents church in Stone Mountain, GA.
A random fact from Third Day’s Mac Powell; he tweeted: I love caramel. His statement prompted the question: how do you pronounce it? Car-Mull or Cara-Mell?
The band Kutless was able to impact tens of thousands of people in the Ukraine during their recent concert swing through the country. But the series of shows clearly had an impact on the members of the band as well. Guitarist James Mead tweeted: I want to re-live this moment over and over. This was the greatest show of my life. I miss my Ukrainian Friends and I can’t thank them enough for making the Kutless Ukraine tour so amazing. May God bless you all and continue to spread His love throughout your country!
When is a streak a streak? Newsboys member Jeff Frankenstein recently told his wife that he was looking forward to playing hockey that evening. Jeff said: Gonna keep the goal-scoring streak alive. That prompted his wife to ask: Is one goal considered a “streak”?
The Pizza Ranch restaurants are helping support Christian artists through a brand new compilation CD. On June 2nd the company released a CD titled Living Hope. It features 12 tracks recorded by artists like Francesca Battistelli, Colton Dixon, Phil Wickham, Ellie Holcomb, Laura Story, Bart Millard of MercyMe, Sidewalk Prophets, Matthew West and many more. Each song focus’ on the message of hope. The organization also donated $120,000 on behalf of participating artists to Porter’s Call. Porter’s Call works to counsel, support and encourage recording artists and their families. http://t.co/zxmug30OgY
Jenny Simmons says she has developed a routine while back in Dallas. After giving her husband Ryan a ride to his office Jenny heads to Whole Foods for oatmeal with blueberries, pecans, and brown sugar. She grabs a cup of coffee and then heads to the same table outside to continue writing her second book. Jenny says: stability matters, at least in little doses.
A reminder from Moriah Peters: Makeup, like art, is creative and careful but when it comes off, I’m reminded that it’s not what makes me beautiful. http://pic.twitter.com/g3TTfwpN92
Has this ever happened to you? Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo tweeted: That awkward moment you write a fictional tweet for your own amusement and your friends think you burned your house down.
Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey is one day into his juicing fast and he says the craving have already hit. No, he’s not craving steak or potatoes. Dave says he really wants some coffee. He adds: Prayers for mental strength are more than welcome.
Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips says he has found the inspiration for his next bathroom. As you might guess, it has a distinct drum theme. http://t.co/GZfskfYrWn
WEIRD & WACKY
|Out of sight, out of mind? 60-foot screen blocks out home
THETFORD, Vt. (AP) — A former Vermont gubernatorial candidate says she had a 60-foot by 24-foot “screen” built so she wouldn’t have to see her neighbor’s home. Ruth Dwyer tells WPTZ-TV (http://bit.ly/1BLIzUu) she’s lived on her farm in rural Thetford for over 40 years. Two years ago, a new…
|Illinois man backs SUV through garage door, a longtime wish photo
WOODSTOCK, Ill. (AP) — A suburban Chicago man who says he always wanted to know what it is like to smash through a garage door now knows the feeling. Ninety-one-year-old Walter Thomas of Woodstock was able to slam an SUV through a garage door with his family’s help. The garage was slated to…
|Police: DUI suspect showed up drunk to be fingerprinted
UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) — Police say a Pennsylvania man showed up drunk to be fingerprinted for a previous drunken driving charge and earned himself another one in the process. Online court records don’t list an attorney for 41-year-old Kevin Kroll, of Dunbar Township. He faces a preliminary…
|White House asks New Hampshire 4th-graders to name its hawk photo
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — Some New Hampshire fourth-graders whose effort to name the red-tailed hawk the official state raptor was defeated at the statehouse are aiming a little higher: the White House. A red-tailed hawk recently took up residence on the grounds of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., and the…
|New Chinese restaurant’s name: I Don’t Know
ROCHESTER, N.Y. (AP) — There’s a new Chinese restaurant in Rochester. The name? I Don’t Know. Seriously, the I Don’t Know Chinese Restaurant recently opened in the western New York city. Owner Jessie Dong tells the Democrat and Chronicle of Rochester (http://on.rocne.ws/1K98JYg ) that said…
|Bull free after falling into metro Atlanta well, taking nap photo
FAIRBURN, Ga. (AP) — A bull that fell into a metro Atlanta well has been freed after taking a nap during the rescue effort. Abel Ambrosio Lopez told WSB-TV the bull fell through rotten wood that was covering a well on his property in Fairburn, south of Atlanta. Lopez says he assumed the…
|Snakes in walls: Realtor accused of selling infested home photo
ANNAPOLIS, Md. (AP) — An Annapolis couple says their real estate agent knew their future home was infested with snakes but sold it to them anyway. HASH(0xc2c020) The Brookses purchased the house in December. They seek more than four times the home’s price in their lawsuit against real estate…
|That’s not mistletoe … North Pole won’t block pot sales photo
NORTH POLE, Alaska (AP) — North Pole residents can put marijuana on their Christmas list next year. The city council in North Pole, Alaska, rejected a measure Monday that would have banned marijuana dispensaries. Marijuana became legal in Alaska in February, and sales begin next year….
|New Hampshire governor blocks baby pictures on beer bottles photo
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — Sorry, baby, your picture isn’t going to be on the front of any beer bottles in New Hampshire. Democratic Gov. Maggie Hassan on Tuesday vetoed a measure that would have allowed some images of minors to grace alcoholic beverage labels as long as they didn’t encourage young…
|Cops: Pennsylvania man ran fake DUI checkpoint while drunk photo
SOMERSET, Pa. (AP) — Police say a man who set up a drunken-driving checkpoint complete with road flares while pretending to be a Pennsylvania state trooper was drunk. Troopers say 19-year-old Logan Shaulis, of Somerset, parked his vehicle diagonally across state Route 601 and set up road…
|Police take stray pig into custody outside Detroit-area home photo
SHELBY TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Officers in suburban Detroit took a stray pig into custody, holding the animal in the back of a police vehicle before reuniting it with its owner. HASH(0x14004a0) DeRiemaecker called 911 and explained the situation. She says police officers soon pulled up at her…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Appalachia gripped by hepatitis C epidemic, bracing for HIV photo
HAZARD, Ky. (AP) — Patton Couch shook his head and clenched his teeth, recounting the night four years ago when he plucked a dirty needle from a pile at a flophouse and jabbed it into his scarred arm. He knew the odds; most of the addicts in the room probably had hepatitis C. “All I cared…
|Facts about needle exchanges and Hepatitis C photo
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) — STATES FEAR NEEDLES The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention documented a 364 percent increase in new cases of Hepatitis C in Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Virginia. Of the four states, only Kentucky has passed legislation to allow for syringe exchanges….
|Expert panel: Mammograms are most worth it for women 50-69 photo
A new, international panel of experts has studied the most recent evidence on mammograms to screen for breast cancer and says they do the most good for women in their 50s and 60s. Women 70 to 74 also benefit to a lesser extent. But evidence that screening helps women in their 40s is “limited,” the…
|Problem drinking affects 33 million – 14 pct. of US adults photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Alcohol problems affect almost 33 million adults and most have never sought treatment, according to a government survey that suggests rates have increased in recent years. The study is the first national estimate based on a new term, “alcohol use disorder,” in a widely used…
|GOP-controlled House backs state medical marijuana laws
WASHINGTON (AP) — The federal government would be unable to block state laws permitting the use of medical marijuana under legislation approved Wednesday by the GOP-controlled House. But lawmakers narrowly rejected an amendment that would stop the Justice Department from interfering with…
|More than 10M enrolled this year under Obama’s health law photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — More than 10 million people have signed up for private health insurance this year under President Barack Obama’s law, the administration said Tuesday. That puts the nation finally within reach of coverage for all, but it may not last. The report from the Department of Health…
|Federal eateries join effort to curb animal antibiotic use
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Barack Obama’s effort to curb the use of antibiotics in animals raised for meat is starting with his own employees. The White House said Tuesday that many federal cafeterias serving government workers will start serving meat and poultry from animals raised with…
|South Korea reports its first 2 deaths from MERS virus photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — South Korea on Tuesday confirmed the country’s first two deaths from Middle East Respiratory Syndrome as it fights to contain the spread of a virus that has killed hundreds of people in the Middle East. South Korea has reported 24 cases of the disease since…
|California’s largest lake threatened by urban water transfer photo
SALTON CITY, Calif. (AP) — Once-bustling marinas on shallow water in California’s largest lake a few years ago are bone-dry. Carcasses of oxygen-starved tilapia lie on desolate shores. Flocks of eared grebes and shoreline birds bob up and down to feast on marine life. An air of decline and…
|Survey: Most Americans with disabilities ‘striving to work’
CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — More than two-thirds of American adults with disabilities are “striving to work,” according to a national employment survey being released just before the landmark legislation protecting their rights turns 25. In contrast to census data on how many people with…
|More reason for calm than panic in South Korea’s MERS scare photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — Sales of surgical masks surge amid fears of a deadly, poorly understood virus. Airlines announce “intensified sanitizing operations.” More than 900 schools close and 1,600 people — and 17 camels in zoos — are quarantined. The current frenzy in South Korea…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
The government has approved the use of a 200 pound drone for farmers so that they can spray pesticides and fertilizers. *** They’re also awesome for creating crop circles for an easy way to get attention.
A father-son duo stand accused of stealing over seventy thousand dollars worth of health and beauty products. The Oregon pair are said to have stolen items including Rogaine, razors and pregnancy strips from stores in several states across the Northwest. *** Most guys are too embarrassed to legitimately buy feminine hygiene products for the women at home – this father and son make it a bonding experience!
A recent accident in Germany is a good reminder of the importance of those Caution, Student Driver signs. According to ABC News, Police in western Germany say a novice driver escaped unharmed but her car was crushed after she inadvertently turned into the path of a convoy of British tanks. The 18-year-old had apparently not seen the convoy when she made a left turn in front of it. The lead tank was unable to stop in time and the 62-ton main battle tank ploughed over the front of her Toyota hatchback. ***She turned left and didn’t see… a TANK?!? Now THAT is what you call inattentive driving!
Walmart has made it a top priority to motivate its 1.3 million U.S. store workers. On Wednesday it told employees it will end the constant loop of Celine Dion and Justin Bieber music blasted into stores from headquarters. *** And will instead blast it at the parking lots of Target stores to dissuade people from spending money with the competition.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Medical researchers from New York and New Jersey universities, including Rutgers, did MRI scans on people who were freshly in love. They found that in its effects on the brain, new love could easily be mistaken for mental illness. In its neural profile, romantic love resembles drives such as cocaine cravings. It appears as a blend of mania, dementia and obsession, causing behavior such as compulsive phone calling, serenading, yelling from rooftops, and showing up at the gym every day because the loved one is there. ***MARLAR: By the sound of it, falling in love and getting married should require pre-martial counseling and a psychiatric evaluation!
According to a report sponsored by the Uhlich Children’s Home in Chicago, teenagers feel that adults do a pretty good job at helping them with career counseling, and they concede that adults are fun, but ultimately they feel they’re lousy listeners. ***MARLAR: At least, that’s what they said when they finally popped out their ear buds.
A British company said tests carried out on ATMs and public toilets found they contain many of the same illness-causing bacteria. BioCote microbiologist Richard Hastings said, “We were surprised by our results because the ATM machines were shown to be heavily contaminated with bacteria; to the same level as nearby public toilets. In addition the bacteria we detected on ATMs were similar to those from the toilet.” ***MARLAR: Some people will resort to using anything if they run out of toilet paper.
Britain’s National Health Service is using typists in India to transcribe information from doctors, and it’s getting lost in translation. A diagnosis of “phlebitis, left leg” was typed out as “flea bite his left leg.” “Eustachian tube malfunction” became “Euston station tube malfunction.” And “below knee amputation” became “baloney amputation.” A spokesman for a medical secretaries association said it seems funny, until they mistake 15 mg of your drug for 50 mg. ***MARLAR: It’s hard enough reading a doctor’s handwriting when you DO know English.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Chess Set in a Pawn Shop”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Cecile Kaiser, “Public Bathrooms”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey, feeling defeated because he could never come up with a way to beat Steve Mozart, no matter how hard he tried, walked sadly back to his tree-house. But when he opened the door, he found an intruder rifling through this filing cabinets… it was Steve Mozart!
CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 13/14, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were completely exhausted from trying to keep up with their own schedules. They didn’t have time for all of their chores, didn’t have time for friends, meetings, even quick conversations! After collapsing from the stress, a group of very peaceful turtles wandered by…
CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Choose your football team wisely.
18-year-old Joshua Vannoy filed a lawsuit against the Big Beaver Falls School District near Pittsburgh for the disruption to his high school years. Joshua says he and his family were actually forced to move to another school district because Joshua was being too harshly taunted by classmates. It all started a year earlier in an incident just before a Denver-Pittsburgh playoff football game. Joshua had elected to wear a Broncos jersey to class and was then forced by one teacher to sit on the floor and endure paper wads being thrown at him because he was, according to the teacher, a “stinking Denver fan.”
TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”
3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man calls the police to report he’s been robbed – and ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: Kory C. Tippetts, 18, called police to report the theft of personal property. When you’re the victim of a burglary, the first step is to report it to the police. Which Kory did. The next step is to be able to identify your property. Which Kory could. It seems that our boy had called police on Monday evening after he returned home and found that someone had broken a window, got cut on the glass, and crawled into the house. In most burglaries the victim knows the perpetrator and so it was in this case. Kory C. suspected a guy he knew, a guy he had in fact spoken to on the phone earlier in that day. Tippetts gave police the man’s name and officers found Richard W. Hight, 23, at his mother’s home in Provo. He had a cut on his arm and blood-soaked pants. Police also recovered six ounces of marijuana at the home. Turns out, the theft that Kory reported was of a quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling. The only thing missing was the quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling. And he went down to the police station and identified the pot as his quarter-pound… that he was selling.
FILE #2: Shashon Jenkins is going to court to get his pot back. Eighteen pounds worth. Police seized the weed after arresting Jenkins in Santa Rosa, California, in October. But charges were dropped after Jenkins’s lawyer convinced prosecutors the man was a medical marijuana user and caregiver. A judge in Sonoma County ordered police to return the marijuana, but officers have refused. While California voters approved pot use for medicinal reasons, the federal government doesn’t recognize the exemption. Police contend they can’t return the pot under federal law. A judge has ordered officers to court in March to explain why they shouldn’t be held in contempt.
FILE #3: Forger Franklin Woodrick picked the wrong teller to try to cash a bad check. Authorities in Ogden, Utah, say Woodrick went to the America First Credit Union and attempted to cash a stolen check. But proving that it really is a “small world”, the teller was the wife of the man from whom the checks were stolen. The teller told Franklin there was a problem and asked for a phone number where he could be reached. While Franklin gave her a phony number, she tipped off the police. The forger then ran off without cashing the check. He was later caught trying to cash the check at another branch.
STRANGE LAW: Voters Beware! In Texas, it is illegal to carry a sword or a spear to a polling place.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A man tries to break INTO prison? Your brain HAS to be on drugs for that!
A man caught breaking into the Miller County Jail will soon leave his cell there for one in an Arkansas prison. Bobby Finley was accused of planning to sell drugs and tobacco inside the jail. Guards caught Finley using bolt cutters to get through the chain-link fence that surrounds the jail. Prosecutors said Finley had cocaine and marijuana in his possession. “In 19 years of prosecuting you always encounter cases that make you believe you’ve seen it all – until you see a case of this nature,” Deputy Prosecutor Carlton Jones said. “It never ceases to amaze me.” Suprisingly, Finley was found mentally competent to stand trial following a psychological evaluation.
Today is PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT DAY. A day to remember as many outdated and corny expressions as possible. Expressions like:
- Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
- Don’t take any wooden nickels.
- See you in the funny papers.
- That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
- I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
- Look what the cat dragged in!
- I’m too pooped to pop.
- It isn’t worth a plug nickel.
- Someone put a bug in my ear.
- See ya later, alligator. After while, crocodile.
What other expressions should be added to this outdated list?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who told the Israelites that the inhabitants of the land would be a snare unto them?
ANSWER: An Angel (Judges 2:1-3)
QUESTION: What was the top girls name in 2002 for newborn babies?
ANSWER: Emily, followed by Emily, Madison, Hailey, Kaitlyn, Hannah, Sarah, Brianna, Ashley, Alexis, Abigail
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The densest substance on Earth is the metal “adamantium.” (False, it’s osmium.)
- Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand. (True)
- There are hundreds of gold mining labor camps in Arctic Siberia. (True. An estimated 3 million Russians have died working in these camps.)
- Saturn has the shortest day of all the planets. (False – Jupiter. It manages to complete one rotation in 9 hours and 55 minutes.)
- An elephant’s trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles. (True)
- A seagull can drink salt water because it has special glands that filter out the salt. (True)
- The “Ace” in Ace Bandages represents the playing card. (False, it’s an acronym for “All Cotton Elastic.”)
- Movies approximately make five times more from video sales than ticket sales. (True)
- The spider used in the 2002 movie Spider-Man was a black widow. (False, it was a Steatoda spider, not a black widow. The spider was given anesthesia, and was then painted blue and red.)
- The semicolon, as it appears in English today, was used by the ancient Greeks as a question mark. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
QUEEN ELIZABETH TO GIVE UP _________ (THE THRONE)
The day after Queen Elizabeth celebrated her diamond jubilee she has decided to abdicate – and wants Prince William to be king.
Queen Elizabeth took her coronation vows in 1952 and vowed to be Queen “ALL the days of my life.” The Queen has always taken her royal duties seriously and will honor her vows.
BUT, times have changed. Queen Elizabeth shocked royal watchers when she reportedly told insiders at Buckingham Palace that in the next few months she will step down as Queen – because she would like to see Prince William (not Charles) crowned King before she dies.
This report sent shock waves around Great Britain – and the world. It would be the first time a sitting Queen – still with all her mental faculties – abdicates the throne.
“She want to make sure the monarchy survives as she wants it to, and if she is alive she can ensure that Prince William will become King,” said the insider.
But how can Prince William leapfrog his father to the throne?
“The Queen has a plan, and she knows it will work, while at the same time following royal family traditions and customs.”
Actually, the person she would most like to see on the throne is Princess Kate, who already has the hand wave down cold.
Queen Elizabeth has already spoken to her grandsons, William and Harry, about her wishes and Prince William seems pleased with her decision and is ready to take the throne.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Reluctantly, a wife agreed to sell some of her husbands old neckties at a garage sale. The husband glowed with pride when one woman kept exclaiming “Perfect!” as she picked up each tie. Paying for her purchases, the woman remarked, “These will look terrific on my scarecrow.”
A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to finance the young man’s college education by the only way he knew how — cutting down trees, by hand.
The young man had helped his father cut down some of those trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him through college.
When the son started college, he promised himself that the first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that would make the old man’s life easier. The son saved and scrimped and finally had enough money to purchase the finest chainsaw in the world.
On a school vacation, the son asked his dad how many trees could he cut down in one day. The father, a large husky man, thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20 trees. The son gave his father the brand-new chainsaw and said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and work only half as hard.
The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in the world. The young man left for school the next morning and wasn’t able to return until the next school break, three months later.
When he arrived, he immediately noticed that his dad appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling all right. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting harder and harder and now with the new chainsaw he was working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as before.
The son knew there was something wrong and thought perhaps the saw he purchased wasn’t as good as advertised. He asked to check it out. Upon examining it, he checked the oiler and it was full. He checked the gas and it too was full. He yanked on the cord and immediately it roared to life.
His father grabbed him by the shirt and hollered, “WHAT’S THAT NOISE!?!?”
At eighty years young, it was getting harder for Walter to take care of himself so his family decided that a nursing home for the aged would be the best place for him. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but eventually he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how Walter’s first day was going.
“How you doing today?”, she said to the old man, “First day I see”. Walter nodded.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, “My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.”
“That’s okay.” Walter replied, “I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.”
Looking into the bowl the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!”
“That’s okay,” responded Walter, “Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them.”
Criminals may be coming on tough times thanks to a new weapon developed for police dogs. It’s a muzzle charged with 50-thousand volts of electricity. When the powered up pooch lunges at a bad guy and rubs him with the muzzle, it delivers a shock strong enough to send a 230 pound man airborne and stun him. ***MARLAR: The trick is keeping your police dog from sniffing other police dogs’ butts.
A recent nine-year study of American cities shows a possible correlation between death rates and air pollution. Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the US, some 50,000 cases per year. ***MARLAR: Which is why we should immediately ban Celine Dion. Oh, wait a minute; that’s NOISE pollution.
WILL YOU MARINATE ME?
One evening a man was very impressed with the meal his wife had served. “What did you marinate this in?” he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, “What did you ask me?”
She chuckled at his answer and explained, “I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”
As she left the room, he called out, “Well, would you marry me again?”
Without hesitation, she replied, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
NATIONAL BLONDE DAY
Should there be a national day to recognize hair color? Blondes in Los Angeles say there should be!
A new activist group in Los Angeles (it just figures this would be in California, doesn’t it?) is demanding a National Blonde Day. We never hear of people wanting a National Brunette Day, or National Red Head day… so why a National Blonde Day? Because they want to “stop the widespread belief that blondes are dumb and incapable. To destroy blonde stereotypes and publicize blonde accomplishments throughout history.” ***MARLAR: They’re also demanding that National Blonde Day be celebrated every July 32rd.
When the soldiers had crucified Jesus, they divided his clothes among the four of them. John 19:23…It seems that God in His foreknowledge was determined to leave Jesus with nothing as He finished the work on the cross. Jesus’ clothes were His last physical possessions upon the earth. As was customary, the soldiers received those for themselves. Paul said, “You know how full of love and kindness our Lord Jesus Christ was. Though he was very rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty he could make you rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9). Jesus completely emptied Himself of all earthly riches and glory in order to pay the full price for our redemption. How opposite His attitude was from that of a world that struggles to amass wealth and fortune! Let us live to give. In the short time we are on earth, let us use our worldly possessions as tools to reach the lost. At the moment of death, we will discard all earthly goods, like an animal shedding a worn-out skin. Let’s take a fresh look at our possessions and ask how they can serve to further the Gospel before God calls us home to glory! –Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Do you find it easier to be bad than good? If so, you’re in good company.
Robbie was proving to be a huge discipline problem for Karen. She was a Vacation Bible School worker, but kids like Robbie made her question her commitment. He ran on top of the tables, shoved other kids, took things that weren’t his, and cursed loudly.
By midweek, Karen decided she’d had enough! She kept Robbie inside during recreation time and talked to him about his foul mouth. “Jesus can help you not say those bad words,” she told him, “if you’ll ask Him to be your Savior.”
“I already asked Jesus to be my Savior and I wish I hadn’t,” Robbie retorted.
“Why?” Karen asked.
“Because it’s like a war going on inside of me.”
Despite his disadvantaged background, Robbie has much in common with the apostle Paul–and with you and me! Robbie has stumbled on to the truth of Romans 7. “When I want to do good, evil is right there with me,” Paul wrote. “For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!” (vv.21-24).
This is a startling confession for a man who wrote much of the New Testament! Paul understood himself to be wretched because of his own struggle with sin. His sinful nature waged war with his desire to do good. It’s the same kind of war that Robbie sensed was taking place inside of him.
If Paul was “wretched,” what chance do we have? Happily, that isn’t the end of the story. Paul asked a vital question: “Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (v.24). Then he gave the only answer, “Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (v. 25).
Paul knew that anything truly good he did, he did through Jesus Christ, who is our righteousness. Anything else Paul did–even the best things–would count for nothing if he did them because of his own pride.
There’s a war going on inside you. And depending on Jesus is the only way to win it!
It’s amazing what some people will do just because of peer pressure… including walking over hot coals!
A group of Germans were at a retreat to try and “find themselves” recently… but in the process, none of them did anything that they themselves wanted to do. They instead, did things that everyone was doing – whether you wanted to do it or not. So what did they all do? They walked on hot coals. No, this is not one of those Hindu mind trick things, it was just a bunch of people engaging in a character-building exercise. And despite each person in front of them falling over in agony and screaming in pain when they reached the end, they never the less followed each other, one by one, over a bed of red hot coals. They were like sheep, one after the other they walked over the coals that were really blazing hot. They just collapsed when they got to the other side – but still they kept on coming. ***MARLAR: Sounds like those exercises to “find yourself” don’t involve “thinking for yourself.”
LIFE… LIVE IT
VISION CARE FOR KIDS
A recent nationwide survey of nearly 4,000 Americans by VSP Vision Care revealed that 76% of children under the age of five have never had a comprehensive eye exam. “While most parents probably assume that vision screenings provided by pediatricians and school nurses are enough, those screenings are nowhere near as exhaustive as the comprehensive eye exams that optometrists and ophthalmologists provide,” said James Short, OD, chair of VSP Vision Care’s board of directors. “Before children enter school, an eye doctor should examine the eyes for signs of astigmatism, nearsightedness, farsightedness, and also the structure of the eye for tell-tale signs of serious diseases affecting more American kids each year, including diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol.”
JUST FOR FUN
Can dogs vote? Mabel Briscoe thinks so – and she’s registered her dog to vote! Which, of course, has put her in the doghouse with the law.
A Baltimore-area senior citizen is in the dog house with election officials for registering her dog as a voter. Local authorities were not amused that 82-year-old Mabel Briscoe registered her dog Holly Briscoe as an 18-year-old with voting privileges. Mabel has been formally charged with violating election law by knowingly submitting a false registration. She pulled the stunt to celebrate the dog’s 18th birthday, but now she’ll have to answer for it in court. If convicted Mabel could be sentenced to up to five years in jail or fined as much as $1,000. ***MARLAR: That’s $7,000 in dog money!
A FEW REASONS WHY BASEBALL IS A WEIRD SPORT…
- If a batter fails two-thirds of the time, they’re still considered an excellent batter. It’s too bad this standard isn’t applied to everything else in life.
- It is legal to “steal” in this game. This is, perhaps, a questionable example for children.
- If you aren’t such a good hitter, you can have a pinch hitter bat for you. If you aren’t such a fast runner, you can have someone – a pinch runner – come in and run for you. At what point, you might wonder, is a team entirely comprised of “pinch” players?
- If a batter walks with the bases loaded, he is credited with an RBI (Run Batted In). That’s right: even though he didn’t hit the ball, his record will say he did.
- The game is played on dirt and grass, but if the ball gets dirty, it is replaced with a new clean ball.
- There’s a rule preventing pitchers from spitting on the ball. They can spit anywhere else they like, apparently… and often do.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Step up and volunteer – you might just be helping yourself at the same time!
A Johns Hopkins University study found when you volunteer to help others, the person who benefits most is you. An eight year study of adults found that those who volunteered 100 hours a year were one third less likely to suffer poor health and two thirds less likely to die prematurely. The advantages of helping others are more than psychological. Neurological research shows volunteering improves blood flow to the brain, warding off depression, which has been identified as a significant cause of many major physical illnesses. The study also found that the older you are, the more you will gain from extending a helping hand to those less fortunate. (Sun)
Playing in the dirt ends up getting one elementary school girl in trouble for illegal drugs! (Say WHAT?!?!)
More insanity from the zero-intelligence policies of our government indoctrination centers (a.k.a. “public schools”). At Mathews Elementary in Sikeston, Missouri, a first grade girl has found herself in big trouble after playing with a plastic bag she found on the playground. 6-year-old Michaela Boyd used the bag to gather some of nature’s goodies — mostly grass and dirt — to give to her playmate as a present. Unfortunately her highly oversensitive and paranoid teacher immediately assumed it was a bag of marijuana and turned it into the principle. But get this — when the higher ups realized it was just dirt, they gave Michaela two days of in school detention for “making a look-a-like drug!” And they say it will have to go on her permanent school record! Of course her mother, Michelle Boyd, is outraged but says the school will not reverse their decision. ***MARLAR: By the way, has anyone EVER had this so-called “permanent record” brought up again once they got out of school? I’ve never seen that thing – does it even exist? Does the FBI have it?
THE WAY WE WORK
(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)
Google Maps can take you anywhere. But frustrated travelers sometimes find themselves without Wi-Fi or data coverage, making it impossible to access their routes. Luckily, Google is trying to change that. According to the Huffington Post, The company announced recently that they will be making Google Maps search and navigation features available offline. According to a Google spokesperson, the feature will be available to Maps users later this year.
Some of the most popular baby names of 2014 were Noah, Emma, William, Sophia and Jacob — but there were some, uh, less conventional names too. According to Nameberry, a total of 1,393 new baby names were coined by imaginative parents around the U.S. According to the Time Magazine report, they included: Ruckus, Mickinley, Sadman, Princecharles, Payzley, and Legendary.
The Voice of the Martyrs recently shared a story of how God used a swarm of angry bees to save lives of group of pastors in Sudan. 20 pastors were being detained by soldiers and faced imminent death when a swarm of wild bees arrived. The bees did not harm the pastors, but they attacked the soldiers and forced them to flee into the bush. As the soldiers fled the pastors were able to untie themselves and to escape.
A study led by a San Diego State University professor found that millennial’s might be the least-religious generation in the U.S. in six decades, and maybe in the history of the country. The SDSU psychology professor and her team found that 75 percent of high school seniors say religion is not important to them. She suggested that the decline in religious activity is linked to a rising individualism in American culture. The study comes on the heels of research released two weeks ago by the Pew Research Center that showed the portion of U.S. population as a whole that’s not affiliated with any religion has climbed from around 16 percent in 2007 to nearly 23 percent last year. Christianity’s share of the country’s population dropped from 78 percent to under 71 percent.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“My Uncle Pat, he reads the obituaries in the paper every morning. And he can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.” –Hal Roach
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 05, 2015…
Entourage—Yes, they finally made a movie from the TV series and the gang is back including Adrian Grenier, Jeremy Piven (now in “Mr. Selfridge”), Kevin Connally, Jerry Ferrera and Kevin Dillon. In this plot, Piven heads a movie studio and wants Adrian to star in a film, but Adrian wants to star AND direct. And away we go. “Entourage” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.
Insidious Chapter 3—The haunting continues and a teenage girl (of course) is haunted by something from the beyond. The cast includes Dermot Mulroney, Stefanie Scott, Michael Reid MacKay and Lin Shaye. “Insidious: Chapter 3” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Spy—Melissa McCarthy is on the right side of the law this time. She is a government analyst and at the bottom of her social life, when she is picked to find important information about a nuclear contraption gone missing. The other agents are doing other things, so can Melissa complete the task at hand? What do you think? Guess who is in the cast…Jason Statham and Jude Law. “Spy” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the cast.
Testament of Youth (opening in select cities)—The script is adapted from a book by Vera Brittain about her experiences during WWI. Love and war don’t always go together. The cast includes Kit Harington (“Game of Thrones” and Alicia Vikander (“Ex Machina.”) “Testament of Youth” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Love & Mercy—This is a biopic-film about members of The Beach Boys, and stars Paul Dano as Brian Wilson and John Cusack as Brian in later years. You figure that one out, the director is Bill Pohlad. The film shows the problems Wilson has in his early years and how a girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks) tries to help him in later years. “Love & Mercy” is rated PG 13. No rating.
JUNE 12, 2015…
Jurassic World takes us ahead a few years and the park is now a functioning wonderland…or is it? Stars Chris Pratt.
Madame Bovary is another adaptation of the famous novel and this time stars Mia Wasikowska.
Me and Earl and the Dying Girl stars Thomas Mann in a film about serious illness.
The Wolfpack is a documentary about brothers who are home-schooled and never leave the house.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.