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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160608
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Guests on today’s show will receive the exciting new self-help book entitled, “How to Control Embarrassing Foot Odor by Stomping Grapefruits.”
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. — Joel 2:23
The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. — 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. — 1 Peter 1:13
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. — 1 John 5:13
Thought: Yes, we can KNOW! Don’t settle for less!! Confidence is so crucial that God sent his Son to die and be raised so we could know that life is our destination, not just our journey. While that life is experienced now, it is only a hint, a foretaste, of what lies ahead in our future with the Lord.
Prayer: Thank you, heavenly Father, for your plan of salvation and the cost you paid to make it happen. Thank you that I can now have confidence in my future with you as your child. Thank you for heaven, for hope, and for my home with you. To you belong all the glory and praise, and in your name, Lord Jesus, I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Micah 6:8 NIV = …And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JUNE 08, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 199 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is UPSY DAISY DAY, a day to remind people to get up gratefully and gleefully each morning. ***MARLAR: Yeah right… like that’s ever going to happen! I can see being grateful for another day in which to live, but “gleeful”? Heck, I don’t hit “tolerable” until 8am!
It’s NATIONAL JELLY DOUGHNUT DAY. ***MARLAR: Well, had I known jelly doughnuts would be involved, I would’ve been more cheery about Upsy Daisy Day.
Today is PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT DAY. A day to remember as many outdated and corny expressions as possible. Here’s a list to get started.
- Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
- Don’t take any wooden nickels.
- See you in the funny papers.
- That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
- I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
- Look what the cat dragged in!
- I’m too pooped to pop.
- It isn’t worth a plug nickel.
- Someone put a bug in my ear.
- See ya later, alligator. After while, crocodile.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
COMING UP NEXT
THURSDAY, JUNE 09
International Archives Day
Toy Industry Day
FRIDAY, JUNE 10
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Banana Split Day
SATURDAY, JUNE 11
Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Corn on the Cob Day
International Young Eagles Day
National Cotton Candy Day
World Bike Naked Day ***Umm, we’d rather you didn’t.
SUNDAY, JUNE 12
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
Multicultural American Child Day
National Jerky Day
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
Race Unity Day
World Day Against Child Labor
MONDAY, JUNE 13
TUESDAY, JUNE 14
Family History Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
ON THIS DAY
1926: Babe Ruth blasted a home run over the right-field roof of Tiger Stadium in Detroit. The ball landed on Plum Street and rolled on the pavement, stopping 850 feet from home plate. No home run ball ever traveled farther.
1941: Hollywood’s first “camp show” was staged at California’s Camp Roberts before 20,000 soldiers. Stars included the comedy team Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy and comic Chico Marx.
1961: Elvis Presley’s seventh film, “Wild in the Country,” premiered.
1965: Pepsi-Cola and Frito-Lay merged to form PepsiCo, Inc.
1969: The New York Yankees retired #7 on Mickey Mantle Day. A crowd of 60,096 paid to honor Mantle.
1974: The #1 U.S. country song was Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.” She had written it to duet partner Porter Wagoner when she left to pursue a solo career. The song hit again in 1982 by Dolly, in 1992 by Whitney Houston, and in 1995 by Dolly and Vince Gill.
1987: Burglars trying to blow a safe in Munkebo, Denmark, used too much explosive. The entire building was demolished—but the safe was still closed.
1988: Nippon Airways announced that bird collisions had decreased by 20% since it painted eyeballs on its jetliners. ***MARLAR: And a fifty percent decrease in new passengers because the planes scared the crud out of them.
1991: Battle Creek, Michigan, served breakfast to 44,938 people, a new world record.
1993: The Houston Chronicle reported the late Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh was obsessed with Madonna. The singer had no comment.
1998: The National Rifle Association elected actor Charlton Heston as its president. ***MARLAR: Here are your ten commandments… including one that says “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” And now, a word from our sponsor about the benefits of handguns…
2000: A Mike Madano goal finally ended the NHL’s longest scoreless game in Stanley Cup finals history. The fifth game of the series between the Dallas Stars and the New Jersey Devils lasted 106 minutes and 21 seconds.
2002: Serena Williams won the French Open, defeating her older sister, Venus, 7-5, 6-3.
2003: Police in Stillwater, Oklahoma, arrested a 20-year-old man during a construction job interview when employees recognized him as the man video-taped robbing company the day before. Needless to say, he didn’t get the job.
2004: The planet Venus passed in front of the sun. It won’t happen again until 2120. ***MARLAR: So be sure to mark your calendars!
2007: Washington State Police arrested a Seattle man and woman for driving both erratically and erotically. Police say both were obviously drunk and naked, suggesting too much intimacy behind the wheel can be distracting and dangerous.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
793: Vikings attack the monastery at Lindisfarne, Scotland. The date is often considered the first event of the “Viking Age”
1536: Ten Articles of Religion were published by the English clergy, in support of Henry VIII’s Declaration of Supremacy. The Anglican Church had begun defining its doctrinal distinctions, after breaking with Roman Catholicism.
1794: French revolutionaries replace Christianity with a deistic religion honoring a trinity of “Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity.” They renamed churches “Temples of Reason,” and a new calendar announced a 10-day week and holidays commemorating events of the revolution. Napolean recognized the church again in 1804, then proceeded to imprison Pope Pius VII.
1810: Birth of German composer Robert A. Schumann, who composed the sacred tune CANONBURY, to which is commonly sung the hymn, “Lord Speak to Me That I May Speak.”
1942: Unevangelized Fields Mission (UFM) was incorporated in Philadelphia. Today this interdenominational mission agency works in a dozen countries in Latin America, Europe and Africa.
1973: The American Society of Missiology was founded in St. Louis. The ecumenical organization seeks to stimulate an academic interest in Christian missions, and publishes the journal Missiology: An International Review.
1978: Through the voice of its president Spencer W. Kimball, the Mormon Church reversed a 148-year-long policy of spiritual discrimination against African-American leadership within the denomination.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (“Medical Investigation”, “Lie to Me”, “The Practice”) Kelli Williams 46 (
- Actress (“ER”, “The Good Wife”) Julianna Margulies 49 (
- actor (“Related”, Enough, “Judging Amy”) Dan Futterman 49 (
- Actor/producer/screenwriter (“In Living Color”) Keenen Ivory Wayans, 58 (
- Cartoonist (“Dilbert”) Scott Adams, 59
- Actress (“Picket Fences”, “Boston Public”) Kathy Baker, 66 (
- actor-comedian (“Seinfeld”, Zoolander, “The King of Queens”) Jerry Stiller 89 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1810 : Robert Schumann
1936 : James Darren
1940 : Nancy Sinatra
1942 : Chuck Negron (Three Dog Night)
1944 : Boz Scaggs
1947 : Mick Box (Uriah Heep)
1953 : Bonnie Tyler
1956 : Greg Ginn (Black Flag)
1960 : Mick Hucknall (Simply Red)
1962 : Nick Rhodes (Duran Duran)
1970 : Nicci Gilbert (Brownstone)
1977 : Kanye West
1981 : Alex Band (The Calling)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
How do pearls come to exist?
Pearls are formed inside the shell of certain bivalve mollusks, i.e. mollusks which shell is made of two more or less symmetrical parts (valves). The valves are kept open for most of the time so the oyster can eat.
The formation of a pearl begins when a foreign substance enters the shell. In response to such irritation the mollusk begins covering the irritant with the layers of nacre (mother-of-pearl), the material which lines the inside of the shell.
A good sized pearl can take between three to six years to form, which is usually the entire life of the oyster or mollusk.
The process of creating the cultured pearls was first developed by Kokichi Mikimoto in Japan, and patented in 1896. Cultured pearls are created by the same process as natural pearls, but the irritants are placed in the oysters by the pearl harvesters.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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A suggestion from Jonny Diaz: Listen to any audiobook at half speed, and it’s like John Madden is reading to you!
Stars Go Dim had a rough travel day over the weekend. It started with a broken plane, causing a 9 hour delay in their flight. Then their luggage was lost. It was eventually found but, by that time, it had gotten wet and was ruined. However, through it all, they maintained their good attitude. They posted that it was just one bad day.
Newsboys’ drummer Duncan Phillips was featured on the latest edition of a show called Gear Masters. The 15 minute video gives an overview of the gear the Newsboys used on stage during their “We Believe God’s Not Dead Tour” with Audio Adrenaline, OBB and Ryan Stevenson. Included is a look at Duncan’s spinning riser and drum kit. Watch the video at http://digtb.us/1ZihgNV.
Jamie Grace will be helping promote adoption with a special event this month. She announced a free concert in Snellville, Georgia over the weekend. It will talk place on June 25 and will include music from Jamie and stories from families who lives are woven together by adoption.
Jamie Grace shared a confession on National Donut Day over the weekend. She posted on twitter: i just want to tell everyone that i don’t like donuts.
Mercyme’s Robby Shaffer saws their pool is rapidly becoming a haven for crawdads. He posted: All the rain has been driving the crawdads crazy. Had 16 in our pool.
Francesca Battistelli says she and her husband Matt where channeling their inner Chip and Joanna over the weekend. Chip and Joanna are the hosts of the HGTV program Fixer Upper and Francesca shared a picture of their own home improvement project on instagram.
Citizenway member David Blascoe was celebrating some good news. Last week he posted: a couple of months ago one of my cats, Pepper, got diagnosed with kidney disease. Well today after some more blood tests and an ultrasound we discovered it’s not disease at all but likely an infection! David added: I know it may seem silly to many to be this invested and concerned about a cat but to me he’s not just a cat. I take my guardianship of one of gods creation very seriously.
Kari Jobe was having a tough day this week. Her bus broke down on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. After a few hours of failed repair efforts they ended up moving over to the band’s bus and continued on to Nashville for that night’s events.
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
The best way to get people to exercise is to tie it to financial loss. According to a new study, people who had to give up money if they didn’t exercise enough met their goal 50% more of the time than people who were paid to exercise. People were tracked for 13 weeks through their smartphones. Researchers said, “We saw dramatically different results when the same amount of money was framed as a loss as opposed to having it framed as a gain.” ***So if you want me to lose weight, not only will you have to put a lock on the refrigerator – but require me to pay to get the key.
An Indiana woman missing for more than 40 years has been found living in a small Texas town under a different name. Lula Ann Gillespie-Miller, then 28, left her home in 1974 after giving birth to her third child. She felt she was too young to be a mother and gave her parents custody of her children. ***Too young for kids at 28? Was the plan to come back when you WERE old enough? And now that you’re 68-years-old maybe you’re ready for the responsibility to care for your 40-year-old children?
Top Republican officials and donors are said to be increasingly worried about the threat Donald Trump’s attack on a judge’s Mexican heritage could pose to their party’s chances in November – and about the GOP’s ability to win Latino votes for many elections to come. *** How could they possibly think Trump is against those of Mexican heritage? I mean, he proudly took a picture of himself with a Taco Bowl on Cinco de Mayo!
A Canadian Catholic priest is under investigation after he told his bishop he gambled away $380-thousand meant to support refugees. Father Amer Saka reportedly called Bishop Emanuel Shaleta to tell him he had lost the money. When asked how he lost the money, he replied, “gambling.” *** Which reminds me, this week the church’s Bingo Night will start one hour later than usual.
Contrary to the long-running joke, the stereotype of the “dumb blonde” is, well, just plain dumb. Researchers found that women and men with natural blonde hair had IQ scores similar to people with other hair colors. And, women with natural blonde hair actually had a slightly higher average IQ score than those with brown hair, red hair or black hair. *** But then the study fell apart when they were asked how to spell IQ and collapsed under the pressure.
A pro-Trump tow truck driver left a Bernie Sanders supporter on the side of a North Carolina road recently after he saw a Sanders sticker on the woman’s car. *** Even worse, the two truck had a WWJD bumper sticker.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A Cornell University research study determined that when temperatures in offices were below 68 degrees, “employees committed 44% more errors and were less than half as productive,” versus when temps were 77 degrees. ***MARLAR: Although I’m not sure these figures are accurate; it was pretty cold in here when I was typing them out.
Japanese researchers have formulated a way to create a super-thin mineral film that simulates human tooth enamel. The discovery could lead to patches that could leave teeth looking whiter and prevent tooth decay, even for people on a steady diet of sugary snacks. ***MARLAR: Great news for those of us who stopped flossing back in 1996!
Experts say that binge drinking among the active military has now become a serious problem. ***MARLAR: Many are concerned it could be dangerous as well, seeing as a small U.S. battalion just last week decided in a drunken stupor to declare war on Wisconsin.
You could spend hundreds of dollars on fancy creams and facials or you could drink a cup of hot chocolate every day for three months for glowing, younger-looking skin! ***MARLAR: Ah, that’s the problem. Every day I’ve been drinking a hot cup of facial cream.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Angry Colorblind People”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Robert G. Lee, “Secret Language”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We found out last time that the sloth was one of the best animals in the jungle when it came to living in peace. But she wasn’t always so peaceful. In fact she was downright worrisome. So much so, in fact, that her worrying and rushed lifestyle of trying to get so much done spread throughout the entire jungle!
CLOSE: Is getting up an extra hour each day really the answer to all of the animals time and work problems? Tune in again next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 11/12
OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Cheetah Bonita met a group of alligators that sang wonderfully together – and they helped her realize that doing a solo is great once in a while, but not all of the time. And it looks like all the other animals heard the alligators singing too…
CLOSE: Now THAT is a harmonious ending! Tune in again next time, for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Choose your football team wisely.
18-year-old Joshua Vannoy filed a lawsuit against the Big Beaver Falls School District near Pittsburgh for the disruption to his high school years. Joshua says he and his family were actually forced to move to another school district because Joshua was being too harshly taunted by classmates. It all started a year earlier in an incident just before a Denver-Pittsburgh playoff football game. Joshua had elected to wear a Broncos jersey to class and was then forced by one teacher to sit on the floor and endure paper wads being thrown at him because he was, according to the teacher, a “stinking Denver fan.”
TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”
3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man calls the police to report he’s been robbed – and ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: Kory C. Tippetts, 18, called police to report the theft of personal property. When you’re the victim of a burglary, the first step is to report it to the police. Which Kory did. The next step is to be able to identify your property. Which Kory could. It seems that our boy had called police on Monday evening after he returned home and found that someone had broken a window, got cut on the glass, and crawled into the house. In most burglaries the victim knows the perpetrator and so it was in this case. Kory C. suspected a guy he knew, a guy he had in fact spoken to on the phone earlier in that day. Tippetts gave police the man’s name and officers found Richard W. Hight, 23, at his mother’s home in Provo. He had a cut on his arm and blood-soaked pants. Police also recovered six ounces of marijuana at the home. Turns out, the theft that Kory reported was of a quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling. The only thing missing was the quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling. And he went down to the police station and identified the pot as his quarter-pound… that he was selling.
FILE #2: Shashon Jenkins is going to court to get his pot back. Eighteen pounds worth. Police seized the weed after arresting Jenkins in Santa Rosa, California, in October. But charges were dropped after Jenkins’s lawyer convinced prosecutors the man was a medical marijuana user and caregiver. A judge in Sonoma County ordered police to return the marijuana, but officers have refused. While California voters approved pot use for medicinal reasons, the federal government doesn’t recognize the exemption. Police contend they can’t return the pot under federal law. A judge has ordered officers to court in March to explain why they shouldn’t be held in contempt.
FILE #3: Forger Franklin Woodrick picked the wrong teller to try to cash a bad check. Authorities in Ogden, Utah, say Woodrick went to the America First Credit Union and attempted to cash a stolen check. But proving that it really is a “small world”, the teller was the wife of the man from whom the checks were stolen. The teller told Franklin there was a problem and asked for a phone number where he could be reached. While Franklin gave her a phony number, she tipped off the police. The forger then ran off without cashing the check. He was later caught trying to cash the check at another branch.
STRANGE LAW: Voters Beware! In Texas, it is illegal to carry a sword or a spear to a polling place.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A man tries to break INTO prison? Your brain HAS to be on drugs for that!
A man caught breaking into the Miller County Jail will soon leave his cell there for one in an Arkansas prison. Bobby Finley was accused of planning to sell drugs and tobacco inside the jail. Guards caught Finley using bolt cutters to get through the chain-link fence that surrounds the jail. Prosecutors said Finley had cocaine and marijuana in his possession. “In 19 years of prosecuting you always encounter cases that make you believe you’ve seen it all – until you see a case of this nature,” Deputy Prosecutor Carlton Jones said. “It never ceases to amaze me.” Suprisingly, Finley was found mentally competent to stand trial following a psychological evaluation.
Today is PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT DAY. A day to remember as many outdated and corny expressions as possible. Expressions like:
- Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
- Don’t take any wooden nickels.
- See you in the funny papers.
- That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
- I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.
- Look what the cat dragged in!
- I’m too pooped to pop.
- It isn’t worth a plug nickel.
- Someone put a bug in my ear.
- See ya later, alligator. After while, crocodile.
What other expressions should be added to this outdated list?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who told the Israelites that the inhabitants of the land would be a snare unto them?
ANSWER: An Angel (Judges 2:1-3)
QUESTION: What was the top girls name in 2002 for newborn babies?
ANSWER: Emily, followed by Emily, Madison, Hailey, Kaitlyn, Hannah, Sarah, Brianna, Ashley, Alexis, Abigail
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The densest substance on Earth is the metal “adamantium.” (False, it’s osmium.)
- Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand. (True)
- There are hundreds of gold mining labor camps in Arctic Siberia. (True. An estimated 3 million Russians have died working in these camps.)
- Saturn has the shortest day of all the planets. (False – Jupiter. It manages to complete one rotation in 9 hours and 55 minutes.)
- An elephant’s trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles. (True)
- A seagull can drink salt water because it has special glands that filter out the salt. (True)
- The “Ace” in Ace Bandages represents the playing card. (False, it’s an acronym for “All Cotton Elastic.”)
- Movies approximately make five times more from video sales than ticket sales. (True)
- The spider used in the 2002 movie Spider-Man was a black widow. (False, it was a Steatoda spider, not a black widow. The spider was given anesthesia, and was then painted blue and red.)
- The semicolon, as it appears in English today, was used by the ancient Greeks as a question mark. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
QUEEN ELIZABETH TO GIVE UP _________ (THE THRONE)
The day after Queen Elizabeth celebrated her diamond jubilee she has decided to abdicate – and wants Prince William to be king.
Queen Elizabeth took her coronation vows in 1952 and vowed to be Queen “ALL the days of my life.” The Queen has always taken her royal duties seriously and will honor her vows.
BUT, times have changed. Queen Elizabeth shocked royal watchers when she reportedly told insiders at Buckingham Palace that in the next few months she will step down as Queen – because she would like to see Prince William (not Charles) crowned King before she dies.
This report sent shock waves around Great Britain – and the world. It would be the first time a sitting Queen – still with all her mental faculties – abdicates the throne.
“She want to make sure the monarchy survives as she wants it to, and if she is alive she can ensure that Prince William will become King,” said the insider.
But how can Prince William leapfrog his father to the throne?
“The Queen has a plan, and she knows it will work, while at the same time following royal family traditions and customs.”
Actually, the person she would most like to see on the throne is Princess Kate, who already has the hand wave down cold.
Queen Elizabeth has already spoken to her grandsons, William and Harry, about her wishes and Prince William seems pleased with her decision and is ready to take the throne.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
Reluctantly, a wife agreed to sell some of her husbands old neckties at a garage sale. The husband glowed with pride when one woman kept exclaiming “Perfect!” as she picked up each tie. Paying for her purchases, the woman remarked, “These will look terrific on my scarecrow.”
A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to finance the young man’s college education by the only way he knew how — cutting down trees, by hand.
The young man had helped his father cut down some of those trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him through college.
When the son started college, he promised himself that the first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that would make the old man’s life easier. The son saved and scrimped and finally had enough money to purchase the finest chainsaw in the world.
On a school vacation, the son asked his dad how many trees could he cut down in one day. The father, a large husky man, thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20 trees. The son gave his father the brand-new chainsaw and said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and work only half as hard.
The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in the world. The young man left for school the next morning and wasn’t able to return until the next school break, three months later.
When he arrived, he immediately noticed that his dad appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling all right. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting harder and harder and now with the new chainsaw he was working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as before.
The son knew there was something wrong and thought perhaps the saw he purchased wasn’t as good as advertised. He asked to check it out. Upon examining it, he checked the oiler and it was full. He checked the gas and it too was full. He yanked on the cord and immediately it roared to life.
His father grabbed him by the shirt and hollered, “WHAT’S THAT NOISE!?!?”
At eighty years young, it was getting harder for Walter to take care of himself so his family decided that a nursing home for the aged would be the best place for him. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but eventually he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how Walter’s first day was going.
“How you doing today?”, she said to the old man, “First day I see”. Walter nodded.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, “My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.”
“That’s okay.” Walter replied, “I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.”
Looking into the bowl the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!”
“That’s okay,” responded Walter, “Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them.”
Criminals may be coming on tough times thanks to a new weapon developed for police dogs. It’s a muzzle charged with 50-thousand volts of electricity. When the powered up pooch lunges at a bad guy and rubs him with the muzzle, it delivers a shock strong enough to send a 230 pound man airborne and stun him. ***MARLAR: The trick is keeping your police dog from sniffing other police dogs’ butts.
A recent nine-year study of American cities shows a possible correlation between death rates and air pollution. Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the US, some 50,000 cases per year. ***MARLAR: Which is why we should immediately ban Celine Dion. Oh, wait a minute; that’s NOISE pollution.
WILL YOU MARINATE ME?
One evening a man was very impressed with the meal his wife had served. “What did you marinate this in?” he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, “What did you ask me?”
She chuckled at his answer and explained, “I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”
As she left the room, he called out, “Well, would you marry me again?”
Without hesitation, she replied, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
NATIONAL BLONDE DAY
Should there be a national day to recognize hair color? Blondes in Los Angeles say there should be!
A new activist group in Los Angeles (it just figures this would be in California, doesn’t it?) is demanding a National Blonde Day. We never hear of people wanting a National Brunette Day, or National Red Head day… so why a National Blonde Day? Because they want to “stop the widespread belief that blondes are dumb and incapable. To destroy blonde stereotypes and publicize blonde accomplishments throughout history.” ***MARLAR: They’re also demanding that National Blonde Day be celebrated every July 32rd.
When the soldiers had crucified Jesus, they divided his clothes among the four of them. John 19:23…It seems that God in His foreknowledge was determined to leave Jesus with nothing as He finished the work on the cross. Jesus’ clothes were His last physical possessions upon the earth. As was customary, the soldiers received those for themselves. Paul said, “You know how full of love and kindness our Lord Jesus Christ was. Though he was very rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty he could make you rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9). Jesus completely emptied Himself of all earthly riches and glory in order to pay the full price for our redemption. How opposite His attitude was from that of a world that struggles to amass wealth and fortune! Let us live to give. In the short time we are on earth, let us use our worldly possessions as tools to reach the lost. At the moment of death, we will discard all earthly goods, like an animal shedding a worn-out skin. Let’s take a fresh look at our possessions and ask how they can serve to further the Gospel before God calls us home to glory! –Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Do you find it easier to be bad than good? If so, you’re in good company.
Robbie was proving to be a huge discipline problem for Karen. She was a Vacation Bible School worker, but kids like Robbie made her question her commitment. He ran on top of the tables, shoved other kids, took things that weren’t his, and cursed loudly.
By midweek, Karen decided she’d had enough! She kept Robbie inside during recreation time and talked to him about his foul mouth. “Jesus can help you not say those bad words,” she told him, “if you’ll ask Him to be your Savior.”
“I already asked Jesus to be my Savior and I wish I hadn’t,” Robbie retorted.
“Why?” Karen asked.
“Because it’s like a war going on inside of me.”
Despite his disadvantaged background, Robbie has much in common with the apostle Paul–and with you and me! Robbie has stumbled on to the truth of Romans 7. “When I want to do good, evil is right there with me,” Paul wrote. “For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!” (vv.21-24).
This is a startling confession for a man who wrote much of the New Testament! Paul understood himself to be wretched because of his own struggle with sin. His sinful nature waged war with his desire to do good. It’s the same kind of war that Robbie sensed was taking place inside of him.
If Paul was “wretched,” what chance do we have? Happily, that isn’t the end of the story. Paul asked a vital question: “Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (v.24). Then he gave the only answer, “Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (v. 25).
Paul knew that anything truly good he did, he did through Jesus Christ, who is our righteousness. Anything else Paul did–even the best things–would count for nothing if he did them because of his own pride.
There’s a war going on inside you. And depending on Jesus is the only way to win it!
It’s amazing what some people will do just because of peer pressure… including walking over hot coals!
A group of Germans were at a retreat to try and “find themselves” recently… but in the process, none of them did anything that they themselves wanted to do. They instead, did things that everyone was doing – whether you wanted to do it or not. So what did they all do? They walked on hot coals. No, this is not one of those Hindu mind trick things, it was just a bunch of people engaging in a character-building exercise. And despite each person in front of them falling over in agony and screaming in pain when they reached the end, they never the less followed each other, one by one, over a bed of red hot coals. They were like sheep, one after the other they walked over the coals that were really blazing hot. They just collapsed when they got to the other side – but still they kept on coming. ***MARLAR: Sounds like those exercises to “find yourself” don’t involve “thinking for yourself.”
LIFE… LIVE IT
VISION CARE FOR KIDS
A recent nationwide survey of nearly 4,000 Americans by VSP Vision Care revealed that 76% of children under the age of five have never had a comprehensive eye exam. “While most parents probably assume that vision screenings provided by pediatricians and school nurses are enough, those screenings are nowhere near as exhaustive as the comprehensive eye exams that optometrists and ophthalmologists provide,” said James Short, OD, chair of VSP Vision Care’s board of directors. “Before children enter school, an eye doctor should examine the eyes for signs of astigmatism, nearsightedness, farsightedness, and also the structure of the eye for tell-tale signs of serious diseases affecting more American kids each year, including diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol.”
JUST FOR FUN
Can dogs vote? Mabel Briscoe thinks so – and she’s registered her dog to vote! Which, of course, has put her in the doghouse with the law.
A Baltimore-area senior citizen is in the dog house with election officials for registering her dog as a voter. Local authorities were not amused that 82-year-old Mabel Briscoe registered her dog Holly Briscoe as an 18-year-old with voting privileges. Mabel has been formally charged with violating election law by knowingly submitting a false registration. She pulled the stunt to celebrate the dog’s 18th birthday, but now she’ll have to answer for it in court. If convicted Mabel could be sentenced to up to five years in jail or fined as much as $1,000. ***MARLAR: That’s $7,000 in dog money!
A FEW REASONS WHY BASEBALL IS A WEIRD SPORT…
- If a batter fails two-thirds of the time, they’re still considered an excellent batter. It’s too bad this standard isn’t applied to everything else in life.
- It is legal to “steal” in this game. This is, perhaps, a questionable example for children.
- If you aren’t such a good hitter, you can have a pinch hitter bat for you. If you aren’t such a fast runner, you can have someone – a pinch runner – come in and run for you. At what point, you might wonder, is a team entirely comprised of “pinch” players?
- If a batter walks with the bases loaded, he is credited with an RBI (Run Batted In). That’s right: even though he didn’t hit the ball, his record will say he did.
- The game is played on dirt and grass, but if the ball gets dirty, it is replaced with a new clean ball.
- There’s a rule preventing pitchers from spitting on the ball. They can spit anywhere else they like, apparently… and often do.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Step up and volunteer – you might just be helping yourself at the same time!
A Johns Hopkins University study found when you volunteer to help others, the person who benefits most is you. An eight year study of adults found that those who volunteered 100 hours a year were one third less likely to suffer poor health and two thirds less likely to die prematurely. The advantages of helping others are more than psychological. Neurological research shows volunteering improves blood flow to the brain, warding off depression, which has been identified as a significant cause of many major physical illnesses. The study also found that the older you are, the more you will gain from extending a helping hand to those less fortunate. (Sun)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(I shared this story a year ago, but I love it so much I want to share it with you again!) The Voice of the Martyrs recently shared a story of how God used a swarm of angry bees to save lives of group of pastors in Sudan. 20 pastors were being detained by soldiers and faced imminent death when a swarm of wild bees arrived. The bees did not harm the pastors, but they attacked the soldiers and forced them to flee into the bush. As the soldiers fled the pastors were able to untie themselves and to escape.
Are you looking for a few ways to freshen-up your marriage? Here are 15 ways to do it!
- Be romantic.
- Complement each other.
- Date your spouse.
- Share your time.
- Be spontaneous.
- Make communication a priority.
- Sex—take your role seriously.
- Support change.
- Serve your spouse.
- Celebrate milestones.
- Apologize and forgive.
- Balance independence and dependence.
- Put your spouse’s needs before your own.
- In all these things, seek the Lord first.
See each of these points in more detail, along with a few suggestions on how to accomplish them at http://ow.ly/OnSM3006ve6.
Scientists at the University of Oxford have confirmed that having friends is better than some painkillers at making you feel better. The study found that individuals who have lots of close friends have higher pain tolerances than people who don’t, and being around them provides a more-powerful-than-expected endorphin rush. In fact, researchers found that the endorphin effect is so intense that being with a friend group is a more effective painkiller than morphine itself.
An abortion activist from California says clinics are closing down around the country, including in liberal states, because fewer women, largely millennial’s, are seeking abortions. How’s that for some good news! Read more here:
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“My Uncle Pat, he reads the obituaries in the paper every morning. And he can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.” –Hal Roach
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 03, 2016…
Me Before You—Emilia Clarke (“Game of Thrones”) takes on the role of a young woman who gets a job taking care of a man in a wheelchair (Sam Claflin from “The Hunger Games.”) The film is taken from the bestseller by Jojo Moyes. Bring hanky. “Me Before You” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping—Andy Samberg (“Brooklyn 9 9”) takes on the role of a star who wants to get on top again. His friends (Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer) try to help. Rather tongue-in-cheek. “Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping” (who thought up the title?) is rated PG 13. No rating.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two: Out Of The Shadows—Fans, and you know who you are, will enjoy having Megan Fox back, as well as the Turtles in another adventure of hijinks and mayhem. Need I say more? Watch for Stephen Amiel from “Arrow“ as Casey Jones. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Two: Out Of The Shadows” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for avid fans.
The Bye Bye Man—Here comes another horror film, this time with Doug Jones and it’s about college students (oh, no) who go into an old house (gasp) and find many problems. “The Bye Bye Man” is rated R. No rating.
JUNE 10, 2016…
The Conjuring 2 continues the adventures of two people who actually hunt ghosts and demons. Stars Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga.
Genius stars Jude Law as writer Thomas Wolfe and his work as a writer.
Now You See Me 2 continues the story of the master illusionists, called The Four Horseman. Stars Jesse Eisenberg and Daniel Ratcliffe.
Warcraft is adapted from the video game and stars Travis Fimmel and Pauoa Patton.
The Music Of Strangers is a documentary on the cello player Yo Yo Ma.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.