June 08, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180608
PDF: 20180608

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Guests on today’s show will receive the exciting new self-help book entitled, “How to Control Embarrassing Foot Odor by Stomping Grapefruits.”

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“There is no grievance that is a fit object of redress by mob law.” – Abraham Lincoln

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn rains in righteousness. He sends you abundant showers, both autumn and spring rains, as before. — Joel 2:23

The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. — 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. — 1 Peter 1:13

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. — Romans 6:3-4

Thought: Baptism is far more than getting wet or checking off another thing on our obedience to do list. You see, what saves is Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection (1 Cor. 15:1-5). God has given us the incredible grace (Rom. 6:1,14,15) of being able to share in Jesus’ saving work through faith and experience it in baptism (Gal. 3:26-27). We die to the old way of life and bury it in the past. It no longer holds us. This death is the death that matters most. Raised to a new life, our life is now joined to Christ and his future becomes our own (cf. Col. 3:1-4). The life we now live is to glorify God and to live with him forever. That means the Gospel is not just something preached; it is something we experience by grace.

Prayer: Thank you Father, for raising me from death to your new life for me in Jesus. Thank you for your grace in sending Jesus. Thank for your grace in making Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection something I have experienced. May my life reflect your powerful grace given to me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Micah 6:8 NIV = …And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 08, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
199 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is UPSY DAISY DAY, a day to remind people to get up gratefully and gleefully each morning.  ***Yeah right… like that’s ever going to happen!  I can see being grateful for another day in which to live, but “gleeful”?  Heck, I don’t hit “tolerable” until 8am!

It’s NATIONAL JELLY DOUGHNUT DAY. ***Well, had I known jelly doughnuts would be involved, I would’ve been more cheery about Upsy Daisy Day.

Today is PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT DAY.  A day to remember as many outdated and corny expressions as possible.  Here’s a list to get started.

  • Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

  • Don’t take any wooden nickels.

  • See you in the funny papers.

  • That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

  • I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.

  • Look what the cat dragged in!

  • I’m too pooped to pop.

  • It isn’t worth a plug nickel.

  • Someone put a bug in my ear.

  • See ya later, alligator. After while, crocodile.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Banana Split Days
Ghostbusters Day
National Caribbean American HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
Poultry Days
Upsy Daisy Day
World Oceans Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, JUNE 09

Belmont Stakes
Companies That Care Day
Donald Duck Day (Birthday)
Family Fitness and Health Day
International Archives Day
International Young Eagles Day
Missing Mutts Awareness Day
National Earl Baltes Day
National Marina Day
National Rose’ (wine) Day
Queen’s Official Birthday
Toy Industry Day
World APS Day

World Bike Naked Day
Worldwide Knit (and Crotchet) in Public Day
World Gin Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 10

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day
Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day
Ball Point Pen Day
Children’s Sunday
Iced Tea Day
Multicultural American Child Day
Race Unity Day

MONDAY, JUNE 11

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 12

Call Your Doctor Day
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
Loving Day
National Jerky Day
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
Superman Day
Victims of Orlando, Florida Attack Day
World Day Against Child Labor
World Pet Memorial Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13

Brain Injury Awareness Day
International Albinism Awareness Day
Random Acts of Light
Roller Coaster Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 14

Army’s Birthday
Family History Day
Flag Day
International Bath Day
National Bourbon Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
(World) Blood Donor Day
National Nursing Assistants Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
Nature Photography Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
National Flip Flop Day
Prune Day
Work@Home Father’s Day

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Worldwide Day of Giving

ON THIS DAY

1926: Babe Ruth blasted a home run over the right-field roof of Tiger Stadium in Detroit. The ball landed on Plum Street and rolled on the pavement, stopping 850 feet from home plate. No home run ball ever traveled farther.

1941: Hollywood’s first “camp show” was staged at California’s Camp Roberts before 20,000 soldiers. Stars included the comedy team Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy and comic Chico Marx.

1961: Elvis Presley’s seventh film, “Wild in the Country,” premiered.

1965: Pepsi-Cola and Frito-Lay merged to form PepsiCo, Inc.

1969: The New York Yankees retired #7 on Mickey Mantle Day. A crowd of 60,096 paid to honor Mantle.

1974: The #1 U.S. country song was Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.” She had written it to duet partner Porter Wagoner when she left to pursue a solo career. The song hit again in 1982 by Dolly, in 1992 by Whitney Houston, and in 1995 by Dolly and Vince Gill.

1987: Burglars trying to blow a safe in Munkebo, Denmark, used too much explosive. The entire building was demolished—but the safe was still closed.

1988: Nippon Airways announced that bird collisions had decreased by 20% since it painted eyeballs on its jetliners. ***And a fifty percent decrease in new passengers because the planes scared the crud out of them.

1991: Battle Creek, Michigan, served breakfast to 44,938 people, a new world record.

1993: The Houston Chronicle reported the late Branch Davidian cult leader David Koresh was obsessed with Madonna. The singer had no comment.

1998: The National Rifle Association elected actor Charlton Heston as its president. ***Here are your ten commandments… including one that says “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” And now, a word from our sponsor about the benefits of handguns…

2000: A Mike Madano goal finally ended the NHL’s longest scoreless game in Stanley Cup finals history. The fifth game of the series between the Dallas Stars and the New Jersey Devils lasted 106 minutes and 21 seconds.

2002: Serena Williams won the French Open, defeating her older sister, Venus, 7-5, 6-3.

2003: Police in Stillwater, Oklahoma, arrested a 20-year-old man during a construction job interview when employees recognized him as the man video-taped robbing company the day before. Needless to say, he didn’t get the job.

2004: The planet Venus passed in front of the sun. It won’t happen again until 2120. ***So be sure to mark your calendars!

2007: Washington State Police arrested a Seattle man and woman for driving both erratically and erotically. Police say both were obviously drunk and naked, suggesting too much intimacy behind the wheel can be distracting and dangerous.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

793: Vikings attack the monastery at Lindisfarne, Scotland. The date is often considered the first event of the “Viking Age”

1536: Ten Articles of Religion were published by the English clergy, in support of Henry VIII’s Declaration of Supremacy. The Anglican Church had begun defining its doctrinal distinctions, after breaking with Roman Catholicism.

1794: French revolutionaries replace Christianity with a deistic religion honoring a trinity of “Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity.” They renamed churches “Temples of Reason,” and a new calendar announced a 10-day week and holidays commemorating events of the revolution. Napolean recognized the church again in 1804, then proceeded to imprison Pope Pius VII.

1810: Birth of German composer Robert A. Schumann, who composed the sacred tune CANONBURY, to which is commonly sung the hymn, “Lord Speak to Me That I May Speak.”

1942: Unevangelized Fields Mission (UFM) was incorporated in Philadelphia. Today this interdenominational mission agency works in a dozen countries in Latin America, Europe and Africa.

1973: The American Society of Missiology was founded in St. Louis. The ecumenical organization seeks to stimulate an academic interest in Christian missions, and publishes the journal Missiology: An International Review.

1978: Through the voice of its president Spencer W. Kimball, the Mormon Church reversed a 148-year-long policy of spiritual discrimination against African-American leadership within the denomination.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“Medical Investigation”, “Lie to Me”, “The Practice”) Kelli Williams 48 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“ER”, “The Good Wife”) Julianna Margulies 52 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Related”, Enough, “Judging Amy”) Dan Futterman 51 (audio clip)

  • Actor/producer/screenwriter (“In Living Color”) Keenen Ivory Wayans, 60 (audio clip)

  • Cartoonist (“Dilbert”) Scott Adams, 61

  • Actress (“Picket Fences”, “Boston Public”) Kathy Baker, 68 (audio clip)

  • actor-comedian (“Seinfeld”, Zoolander, “The King of Queens”) Jerry Stiller 91 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1810 : Robert Schumann

1936 : James Darren

1940 : Nancy Sinatra

1942 : Chuck Negron (Three Dog Night)

1944 : Boz Scaggs

1947 : Mick Box (Uriah Heep)

1953 : Bonnie Tyler

1953 : Jeff Rich (Status Quo, The Climax Blues Band)

1956 : Greg Ginn (Black Flag)

1960 : Mick Hucknall (Simply Red)

1962 : Nick Rhodes (Duran Duran)

1970 : Nicci Gilbert (Brownstone)

1977 : Kanye West

1981 : Alex Band (The Calling)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

How do pearls come to exist?

Pearls are formed inside the shell of certain bivalve mollusks, i.e. mollusks which shell is made of two more or less symmetrical parts (valves). The valves are kept open for most of the time so the oyster can eat.

The formation of a pearl begins when a foreign substance enters the shell. In response to such irritation the mollusk begins covering the irritant with the layers of nacre (mother-of-pearl), the material which lines the inside of the shell.

A good sized pearl can take between three to six years to form, which is usually the entire life of the oyster or mollusk.

The process of creating the cultured pearls was first developed by Kokichi Mikimoto in Japan, and patented in 1896. Cultured pearls are created by the same process as natural pearls, but the irritants are placed in the oysters by the pearl harvesters.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Florida man has been arrested after police found seven missing zoo animals in his apartment.  ***The story doesn’t say either way, but I’m guessing they tracked him down by smell.

Starting in 2020, Cadillacs will offer hands-free highway driving.  ***Actually, we already have this in America with drivers holding a phone in one hand and a cheeseburger in the other.

Protestant pastor Docho Eshete was baptizing around 80 followers near a lake in southern Ethiopia. But he won’t be doing that any more. Witnesses say a crocodile leapt from the water during the second baptism and attacked the pastor, killing him. Pastor Docho died after being bitten on his legs, back and hands. Despite huge efforts, fishermen and residents could not save him. They did use fishing nets to prevent the crocodile from taking the pastor’s body into the lake. The crocodile escaped.  ***This is quite the sales pitch from this church.  Get saved and baptized so you can go to heaven, then immediately go to heaven.

For the record, there are now more job openings out there than people out of work.  ***Unfortunately, the jobs aren’t being filled because most Americans just aren’t qualified or experienced enough to work the Mickey D’s fry line.

A study says feeling disgust helps keep people healthy.  ***Sounds like the perfect reason to keep “Roseanne” on the air then!

In Corpus Christi, Texas, a man is recovering after he was bitten by a severed rattlesnake head! The man’s wife, Jennifer Sutcliffe, said her husband, whose first name was not given, decapitated the snake with a shovel while the couple was doing yard work on Memorial Day weekend. But that didn’t stop the snake’s head from biting the man minutes later when he attempted to discard the remains. The worst part was since there is no body, it released all its venom into him at that point. Soon afterward, Sutcliffe’s husband couldn’t see and started to have seizures. An ambulance met the pair as they headed to the emergency room, and a medical helicopter ended up having to rush him to the hospital. Although doctors initially said Mr. Sutcliffe “might not make it,” his condition is currently stable after he received 26 doses of antivenom. ***26 doses – because you were bitten by a decapitated rattlesnake!  Don’t tell me snakes aren’t evil!  Worms too, because they look like snakes.  And spaghetti noodles too.

Regarding the Trump/Kim summit, there’s actually buzz about Dennis Rodman being a part of it.  ***The only person Kim Jong Un trusts in our country is Dennis Rodman.  Trump is taking policy advice from Kim Kardashian.  I’m just curious – in this reality does Spock have a beard or not?

Simon Cowell says he hasn’t used his cellphone in ten months, saying it made him distracted and irritated.  ***So all these years, he was like that because of his phone?!?!?

Forget the the grumpy old man, men are actually happiest from ages 60 to 69, according to a Pew Research Center study, while they are least happy in their 20s. Why? Older adults are better able to avoid stressful situations, which could mean they experience less negative emotions. They also appear to spend less time dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation, which leads to a greater feeling of happiness. We simply mellow as we age.  ***So… I have to wait eleven more years before I can be my happiest?

That on-again/off-again/on-again summit between President Trump and Kim Jong un in Singapore is still on… for now… next Tuesday. ***It’s like a political version of the Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez thing.

Richard Simmons is suing a private investigator for allegedly planting a listening device in his car.  ***Although, already listening in on Richard Simmons all day is probably punishment enough.

Jet Blue is cracking down on emotional support animals, only allowing people to bring cats, dogs or small ponies on board for emotional support. They also are requiring three kinds of paperwork for people flying with an emotional support animal — including a note from a mental health professional, proof of a check-up from a veterinarian for the animal and a form that says the animal owner attests that the animal is fully trained. ***So it appears me and my emotional support Sea Monkeys will be flying DELTA.

They’re saying that laptops could soon have a 24-hour battery life.  ***Actually, if we could simply create energy from methane gas, we’d never have to recharge our laptops – we could get the job done by visiting a Taco Bell drive-thru.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The new trendy drink? Clear coffee, so you aren’t continually staining your teeth. ***Although at $3.50 per serving, I think I’ll just use toothpaste instead.

In a survey by the Atkins Diet folks, we learn 54% think about food more than sex – and 1 in 10 would feel worse cheating on a diet than on a partner. ***Because partners are less-fattening.

A recent study shows that nearly half of defensive and offensive linemen playing high school football in Iowa are overweight. And one in ten could be considered severely obese. Players say there’s pressure to get bigger, whether it comes from parents, coaches or within. They say they look up to college and pro football players — some of whom top 300 pounds. ***What do you expect when you’re required to play with what’s called a pig-skin? Isn’t that just a giant pork-rind?

Running will certainly benefit your health but you need to look at what you’re eating too. Dieticians say it’s a myth that running will automatically result in weight loss. So remember the 80-20 rule: weight loss is 80 percent diet or nutrition and 20 percent exercise. ***I spend 20% of my day running back and forth to the fridge, so I should be looking great any day now!

A recent poll shows that only 13% of Americans think the government should do something about income inequality. ***Now, now… the government’s already doing its best to make everyone equal… equally poor.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated and angry because, after spending so many long hours creating a great classical piece of music, he found Gruffy Bear listening to the very same song… composed by Millard’s arch nemesis, Mozart!

CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really is quite a guy! What could Millard possibly come up with to show up such an obviously talented person? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Choose your football team wisely.

18-year-old Joshua Vannoy filed a lawsuit against the Big Beaver Falls School District near Pittsburgh for the disruption to his high school years. Joshua says he and his family were actually forced to move to another school district because Joshua was being too harshly taunted by classmates. It all started a year earlier in an incident just before a Denver-Pittsburgh playoff football game. Joshua had elected to wear a Broncos jersey to class and was then forced by one teacher to sit on the floor and endure paper wads being thrown at him because he was, according to the teacher, a “stinking Denver fan.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”

2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”

3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral

7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”

8. Meow occasionally.

9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.

10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man calls the police to report he’s been robbed – and ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: Kory C. Tippetts, 18, called police to report the theft of personal property.  When you’re the victim of a burglary, the first step is to report it to the police.  Which Kory did.  The next step is to be able to identify your property.  Which Kory could.  It seems that our boy had called police on Monday evening after he returned home and found that someone had broken a window, got cut on the glass, and crawled into the house.  In most burglaries the victim knows the perpetrator and so it was in this case.  Kory C. suspected a guy he knew, a guy he had in fact spoken to on the phone earlier in that day. Tippetts gave police the man’s name and officers found Richard W. Hight, 23, at his mother’s home in Provo. He had a cut on his arm and blood-soaked pants. Police also recovered six ounces of marijuana at the home.  Turns out, the theft that Kory reported was of a quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling.  The only thing missing was the quarter-pound of marijuana… that he was selling.  And he went down to the police station and identified the pot as his quarter-pound… that he was selling.

FILE #2: Shashon Jenkins is going to court to get his pot back. Eighteen pounds worth. Police seized the weed after arresting Jenkins in Santa Rosa, California, in October. But charges were dropped after Jenkins’s lawyer convinced prosecutors the man was a medical marijuana user and caregiver. A judge in Sonoma County ordered police to return the marijuana, but officers have refused. While California voters approved pot use for medicinal reasons, the federal government doesn’t recognize the exemption. Police contend they can’t return the pot under federal law. A judge has ordered officers to court in March to explain why they shouldn’t be held in contempt.

FILE #3: Forger Franklin Woodrick picked the wrong teller to try to cash a bad check. Authorities in Ogden, Utah, say Woodrick went to the America First Credit Union and attempted to cash a stolen check. But proving that it really is a “small world”, the teller was the wife of the man from whom the checks were stolen. The teller told Franklin there was a problem and asked for a phone number where he could be reached. While Franklin gave her a phony number, she tipped off the police. The forger then ran off without cashing the check. He was later caught trying to cash the check at another branch.

STRANGE LAW: Voters Beware! In Texas, it is illegal to carry a sword or a spear to a polling place.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A man tries to break INTO prison?  Your brain HAS to be on drugs for that!

A man caught breaking into the Miller County Jail will soon leave his cell there for one in an Arkansas prison. Bobby Finley was accused of planning to sell drugs and tobacco inside the jail.  Guards caught Finley using bolt cutters to get through the chain-link fence that surrounds the jail. Prosecutors said Finley had cocaine and marijuana in his possession.  “In 19 years of prosecuting you always encounter cases that make you believe you’ve seen it all – until you see a case of this nature,” Deputy Prosecutor Carlton Jones said. “It never ceases to amaze me.”  Suprisingly, Finley was found mentally competent to stand trial following a psychological evaluation.

PHONER PHUN

Today is PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT DAY.  A day to remember as many outdated and corny expressions as possible.  Expressions like:

  • Don’t take any wooden nickels.

  • See you in the funny papers.

  • That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

  • I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck.

  • Look what the cat dragged in!

  • I’m too pooped to pop.

  • It isn’t worth a plug nickel.

  • Someone put a bug in my ear.

  • See ya later, alligator. After while, crocodile.

What other expressions should be added to this outdated list?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who told the Israelites that the inhabitants of the land would be a snare unto them?

ANSWER: An Angel (Judges 2:1-3)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the top girls name in 2002 for newborn babies?

ANSWER: Emily, followed by Emily, Madison, Hailey, Kaitlyn, Hannah, Sarah, Brianna, Ashley, Alexis, Abigail

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The densest substance on Earth is the metal “adamantium.” (False, it’s osmium.)

2. Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand. (True)

3. There are hundreds of gold mining labor camps in Arctic Siberia. (True. An estimated 3 million Russians have died working in these camps.)

4. Saturn has the shortest day of all the planets. (False – Jupiter. It manages to complete one rotation in 9 hours and 55 minutes.)

5. An elephant’s trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles. (True)

6. A seagull can drink salt water because it has special glands that filter out the salt. (True)

7. The “Ace” in Ace Bandages represents the playing card. (False, it’s an acronym for “All Cotton Elastic.”)

8. Movies approximately make five times more from video sales than ticket sales. (True)

9. The spider used in the 2002 movie Spider-Man was a black widow. (False, it was a Steatoda spider, not a black widow. The spider was given anesthesia, and was then painted blue and red.)

10. The semicolon, as it appears in English today, was used by the ancient Greeks as a question mark. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

QUEEN ELIZABETH TO GIVE UP _________ (THE THRONE)

The day after Queen Elizabeth celebrated her diamond jubilee she has decided to abdicate – and wants Prince William to be king.

Queen Elizabeth took her coronation vows in 1952 and vowed to be Queen “ALL the days of my life.” The Queen  has always taken her royal duties seriously and will honor her vows.

BUT, times have changed.  Queen Elizabeth shocked royal watchers when she reportedly told insiders at Buckingham Palace that in the next few months she will step down as Queen – because she would like to see Prince William (not Charles) crowned King before she dies.

This report sent shock waves around Great Britain – and the world.  It would be the first time a sitting Queen – still with all her mental faculties – abdicates the throne.

“She want to make sure the monarchy survives as she wants it to, and if she is alive she can ensure that Prince William will become King,” said the insider.

But how can Prince William leapfrog his father to the throne?

“The Queen has a plan, and she knows it will work, while at the same time following royal family traditions and customs.”

Actually, the person she would most like to see on the throne is Princess Kate, who already has the hand wave down cold.

Queen Elizabeth has already spoken to her grandsons, William and Harry, about her wishes and Prince William seems pleased with her decision and is ready to take the throne.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Reluctantly, a wife agreed to sell some of her husbands old neckties at a garage sale. The husband glowed with pride when one woman kept exclaiming “Perfect!” as she picked up each tie. Paying for her purchases, the woman remarked, “These will look terrific on my scarecrow.”

JOKE #2

A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to finance the young man’s college education by the only way he knew how — cutting down trees, by hand.

The young man had helped his father cut down some of those trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him through college.

When the son started college, he promised himself that the first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that would make the old man’s life easier. The son saved and scrimped and finally had enough money to purchase the finest chainsaw in the world.

On a school vacation, the son asked his dad how many trees could he cut down in one day. The father, a large husky man, thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20 trees. The son gave his father the brand-new chainsaw and said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and work only half as hard.

The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in the world. The young man left for school the next morning and wasn’t able to return until the next school break, three months later.

When he arrived, he immediately noticed that his dad appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling all right. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting harder and harder and now with the new chainsaw he was working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as before.

The son knew there was something wrong and thought perhaps the saw he purchased wasn’t as good as advertised. He asked to check it out. Upon examining it, he checked the oiler and it was full. He checked the gas and it too was full. He yanked on the cord and immediately it roared to life.

His father grabbed him by the shirt and hollered, “WHAT’S THAT NOISE!?!?”

JOKE #3

At eighty years young, it was getting harder for Walter to take care of himself so his family decided that a nursing home for the aged would be the best place for him. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but eventually he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how Walter’s first day was going.

“How you doing today?”, she said to the old man, “First day I see”. Walter nodded.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, “My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.”

“That’s okay.” Walter replied, “I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.”

Looking into the bowl the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!”

“That’s okay,” responded Walter, “Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them.”

USELESS FACTS

Criminals may be coming on tough times thanks to a new weapon developed for police dogs. It’s a muzzle charged with 50-thousand volts of electricity. When the powered up pooch lunges at a bad guy and rubs him with the muzzle, it delivers a shock strong enough to send a 230 pound man airborne and stun him.  ***The trick is keeping your police dog from sniffing other police dogs’ butts.

A recent nine-year study of American cities shows a possible correlation between death rates and air pollution. Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the US, some 50,000 cases per year. ***Which is why we should immediately ban Celine Dion.  Oh, wait a minute; that’s NOISE pollution.

FEATURED FUNNIES

WILL YOU MARINATE ME?

One evening a man was very impressed with the meal his wife had served. “What did you marinate this in?” he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, “What did you ask me?”

She chuckled at his answer and explained, “I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”

As she left the room, he called out, “Well, would you marry me again?”

Without hesitation, she replied, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NATIONAL BLONDE DAY

Should there be a national day to recognize hair color? Blondes in Los Angeles say there should be!

A new activist group in Los Angeles (it just figures this would be in California, doesn’t it?) is demanding a National Blonde Day. We never hear of people wanting a National Brunette Day, or National Red Head day… so why a National Blonde Day? Because they want to “stop the widespread belief that blondes are dumb and incapable. To destroy blonde stereotypes and publicize blonde accomplishments throughout history.” ***MARLAR: They’re also demanding that National Blonde Day be celebrated every July 32rd.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

When the soldiers had crucified Jesus, they divided his clothes among the four of them. John 19:23…It seems that God in His foreknowledge was determined to leave Jesus with nothing as He finished the work on the cross. Jesus’ clothes were His last physical possessions upon the earth. As was customary, the soldiers received those for themselves. Paul said, “You know how full of love and kindness our Lord Jesus Christ was. Though he was very rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that by his poverty he could make you rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9). Jesus completely emptied Himself of all earthly riches and glory in order to pay the full price for our redemption. How opposite His attitude was from that of a world that struggles to amass wealth and fortune! Let us live to give. In the short time we are on earth, let us use our worldly possessions as tools to reach the lost. At the moment of death, we will discard all earthly goods, like an animal shedding a worn-out skin. Let’s take a fresh look at our possessions and ask how they can serve to further the Gospel before God calls us home to glory! –Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Do you find it easier to be bad than good? If so, you’re in good company.

Robbie was proving to be a huge discipline problem for Karen. She was a Vacation Bible School worker, but kids like Robbie made her question her commitment. He ran on top of the tables, shoved other kids, took things that weren’t his, and cursed loudly.

By midweek, Karen decided she’d had enough! She kept Robbie inside during recreation time and talked to him about his foul mouth. “Jesus can help you not say those bad words,” she told him, “if you’ll ask Him to be your Savior.”

“I already asked Jesus to be my Savior and I wish I hadn’t,” Robbie retorted.

“Why?” Karen asked.

“Because it’s like a war going on inside of me.”

Despite his disadvantaged background, Robbie has much in common with the apostle Paul–and with you and me! Robbie has stumbled on to the truth of Romans 7. “When I want to do good, evil is right there with me,” Paul wrote. “For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am!” (vv.21-24).

This is a startling confession for a man who wrote much of the New Testament! Paul understood himself to be wretched because of his own struggle with sin. His sinful nature waged war with his desire to do good. It’s the same kind of war that Robbie sensed was taking place inside of him.

If Paul was “wretched,” what chance do we have? Happily, that isn’t the end of the story. Paul asked a vital question: “Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (v.24). Then he gave the only answer, “Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (v. 25).

Paul knew that anything truly good he did, he did through Jesus Christ, who is our righteousness. Anything else Paul did–even the best things–would count for nothing if he did them because of his own pride.

There’s a war going on inside you. And depending on Jesus is the only way to win it!

LEFTOVERS

HOT FOOT

It’s amazing what some people will do just because of peer pressure… including walking over hot coals!

A group of Germans were at a retreat to try and “find themselves” recently… but in the process, none of them did anything that they themselves wanted to do. They instead, did things that everyone was doing – whether you wanted to do it or not. So what did they all do? They walked on hot coals. No, this is not one of those Hindu mind trick things, it was just a bunch of people engaging in a character-building exercise. And despite each person in front of them falling over in agony and screaming in pain when they reached the end, they never the less followed each other, one by one, over a bed of red hot coals. They were like sheep, one after the other they walked over the coals that were really blazing hot. They just collapsed when they got to the other side – but still they kept on coming. ***MARLAR: Sounds like those exercises to “find yourself” don’t involve “thinking for yourself.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

VISION CARE FOR KIDS

A recent nationwide survey of nearly 4,000 Americans by VSP Vision Care revealed that 76% of children under the age of five have never had a comprehensive eye exam. “While most parents probably assume that vision screenings provided by pediatricians and school nurses are enough, those screenings are nowhere near as exhaustive as the comprehensive eye exams that optometrists and ophthalmologists provide,” said James Short, OD, chair of VSP Vision Care’s board of directors. “Before children enter school, an eye doctor should examine the eyes for signs of astigmatism, nearsightedness, farsightedness, and also the structure of the eye for tell-tale signs of serious diseases affecting more American kids each year, including diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol.”

JUST FOR FUN

DOGGONE IT

Can dogs vote? Mabel Briscoe thinks so – and she’s registered her dog to vote! Which, of course, has put her in the doghouse with the law.

A Baltimore-area senior citizen is in the dog house with election officials for registering her dog as a voter. Local authorities were not amused that 82-year-old Mabel Briscoe registered her dog Holly Briscoe as an 18-year-old with voting privileges. Mabel has been formally charged with violating election law by knowingly submitting a false registration. She pulled the stunt to celebrate the dog’s 18th birthday, but now she’ll have to answer for it in court. If convicted Mabel could be sentenced to up to five years in jail or fined as much as $1,000. ***MARLAR: That’s $7,000 in dog money!

FUN LIST

A FEW REASONS WHY BASEBALL IS A WEIRD SPORT…

  1. If a batter fails two-thirds of the time, they’re still considered an excellent batter. It’s too bad this standard isn’t applied to everything else in life.

  2. It is legal to “steal” in this game. This is, perhaps, a questionable example for children.

  3. If you aren’t such a good hitter, you can have a pinch hitter bat for you. If you aren’t such a fast runner, you can have someone – a pinch runner – come in and run for you. At what point, you might wonder, is a team entirely comprised of “pinch” players?

  4. If a batter walks with the bases loaded, he is credited with an RBI (Run Batted In). That’s right: even though he didn’t hit the ball, his record will say he did.

  5. The game is played on dirt and grass, but if the ball gets dirty, it is replaced with a new clean ball.

  6. There’s a rule preventing pitchers from spitting on the ball. They can spit anywhere else they like, apparently… and often do.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Step up and volunteer – you might just be helping yourself at the same time!

A Johns Hopkins University study found when you volunteer to help others, the person who benefits most is you. An eight year study of adults found that those who volunteered 100 hours a year were one third less likely to suffer poor health and two thirds less likely to die prematurely. The advantages of helping others are more than psychological. Neurological research shows volunteering improves blood flow to the brain, warding off depression, which has been identified as a significant cause of many major physical illnesses. The study also found that the older you are, the more you will gain from extending a helping hand to those less fortunate. (Sun)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Stop comparing yourself to the women in magazines, ladies!  A recent study found that these days men seem to prefer the average “homely” figures of the girl next door to the bombshell bodies of those appearing in magazines. The researchers asked 100 male college students to rate 200 drawings of women’s torsos and then compared the results with the vital statistics of eight different groups of women, including models and average women. Surprisingly, they found that the most popular shape was a 5-foot 4-inch gal with a 30-inch waist and 40-inch hips which works out to be a size 12.

He says, “Don’t worry! She’s just a friend.” If you think there might be something more there than friendship, pay close attention to how he talks to her. The modulation of our voices reveals when relationships are intimate — and this could be used to detect infidelity. Both men and women alter their voices when they are speaking to lovers versus friends, says Albright College associate professor of psychology Susan Hughes, Ph.D., an expert in psychology and voice perception. “It’s not just that we change the sound of our voice, but that others can easily perceive those changes,” she explains. Translation: It’s not what you say, but how you say it. In almost all cases, the study was able to correctly identify, with greater than chance accuracy, whether the caller was speaking to a friend or lover, leading researchers to believe that people alter their voice to communicate their relationship status. “Vocal samples directed toward romantic partners were rated as sounding more pleasant, sexier and reflecting greater romantic interest than those directed toward same-sex friends.”

More and more families are gathering around the dinner table with nearly two thirds of Americans saying they enjoy evening mealtime get togethers at least five times a week, recent research shows. And more than 50 percent report they have family breakfasts at least five mornings a week. “These findings underscore real change in consumer behavior as the family meal enjoys a resurgence,” says Lucinda Scala Quinn of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, which based its research on interviews with 1,000 people over the age of 18. And our increasingly hectic lifestyles have led to modern families splitting cooking duties, with 25 percent of women reporting that their spouses are increasingly slaving over a hot stove. It also emerged that a staggering 81 percent of respondents say they’re proud of making their budgets stretch and while supermarkets are the major source of groceries, more than half say they shop around for better deals when possible.

London School of Medicine reports doctors who don’t believe in God are two times as likely to make decisions that could end the lives of their patients, compared to very religious physicians, says a recent study. Dr. Clive Seale conducted a random survey of more than 3,700 doctors across the country and 2,923 filled out the questionnaire regarding how they took care of their last terminally ill patient. The doctors who described themselves as “extremely” or “very” non-religious were almost twice as likely to have made a decision that would accelerate a patient’s death. Seale’s study also found that doctors who described themselves as “very religious” were much less likely to have discussed end of life options with their patients.

Snacking on almonds not only decreases your appetite, but also does so without increasing your body weight. And the benefits don’t end there. Eating 1.5 ounces of dry-roasted, lightly-salted almonds daily will also improve your levels of vitamin E and monounsaturated (“good”) fat intake. Snacking has become a nearly universal behavior in the United States, with an estimated 97 percent of Americans consuming at least one snack per day. Considering more than two-thirds of us are overweight or obese, it’s good to find a snack that is filling but has little risk for weight gain. Despite consuming approximately 250 additional calories per day from the almonds, the study participants did not increase the total number of calories they ate and drank over the course of the day or gain weight over the course of the four-week study. In addition, after eating the almonds as a snack, the participants reported feeling less hungry between meals and had less desire to eat at the next meal.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Texas firefighter Nathaniel D’Amato was arrested after his wife told police that he was legally married to several other women and had never finalized a divorce with any of them! D’Amato was taken into custody at a fire station in Magnolia, about 44 miles northwest of Houston, after the woman told police that he had several common-law ex-girlfriends. Police had been searching for D’Amato ever since April when his wife first reported him. The woman said she kicked him out of her home after she received word from several women who claimed to still be married to him. D’Amato is a firefighter with Needham Fire and Rescue in Montgomery County, Texas, and a volunteer firefighter with Magnolia Fire Department, authorities said. But we wonder for how long. (KTRK)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“My Uncle Pat, he reads the obituaries in the paper every morning. And he can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.” –Hal Roach

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 08, 2018…

Hearts Beat Loud-–This is a film in which a father and his daughter decide they want to start their own band. Maybe, do a little DJ, too.  Does it work? Well, some of the time. Stars Nick Offerman and Kiersey Clemons. What is on your Play List? Offerman has Tom Watts “Get Behind The Mule” and Kiersey Clemons has “Jamming” by Bob Marley & the Wailers.” “Hearts Beat Loud” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Hereditary—This is a movie about relatives.  Specifically, dead relatives who make up a family’s history.  In this case, a family gets together after the death of the head lady of the family. To say that family history and information comes forth is putting it mildly.  This film caused a stir at the last Sundance Film Festival. Hold on to your arm rests.  The stars are Toni Collette, Gabriel Byrne, Alex Wolff and Milly Shapiro. “Hereditary” is rated R. No rating.

Hotel Artemis—The year is 2028 AD and Los Angeles is beset by riots. Sound familiar?  In this setting, criminals come to a “special” hotel to have medical treatment done. Head of the “hotel” is Jodie Foster.  So, this is what the future holds for health insurance? Also, in the cast are Sterling F. Brown, Sofia Boutella and Jeff Goldblum (what, no dinosaurs?) “Hotel Artemis” is rated R. No rating.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? —This delightful and informative documentary about one of television’s most loved people, features Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers). This talented man showed children and adults that kindness is more than just a word in the dictionary. Rogers did his own drawings and material and songs and his neighborhood was the one everyone wanted to live in. Directed by Morgan Neville, this is family entertainment. “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” is rated G. Rating of 4 for fans and you all know who you are. By the way, Tom Hanks is looking at starring as Fred Rogers in a future film.

Ocean’s 8—The “Ocean’s 11, etc.” films starring George Clooney, were classy tales of major robberies that went off like clockwork. This time, there are ladies who do the planning and the heist. Here is the cast: Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter and Awkwafina. Anne Hathaway plays the role of the rich, spoiled actress who has a diamond necklace the size of a harness. To say the character Hathaway plays is vain is putting it mildly. As you can imagine, fashion is top on the list of watchables. Basic plot is that there is pre-planning, a heist, and how to get away with it. Sandra Bullock’s character is Debbie, Danny Ocean’s sister. Each person on the team has a special skill. “Ocean’s 8” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

JUNE 15, 2018…

Incredibles 2 is the long-awaited sequel to the first “Incredibles” film with a power family. Voices of Craig T. nelson and Holly Hunter.

Superfly is a remake of the 1972 film about a drug dealer. This version stars Trevor Jackson from television’s “American Crime.”

Set It Up is a comedy where two junior executives try to match up their bosses. Stars Zoey Deutch and Glen Powell.

Tag takes the children’s game and humorously brings it into the adult world where guys try to out-do each other. Stars Jon Hamm and Ed Helms.

Gotti (this film was to have opened in the fall of 2017) stars John Travolta as John Gotti.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.