June 09, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150609

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I worked really hard last night to come up with this – and I’m excited that it’s now ready to go. It’s the (JOCK SHOW) Play At Home Game!  It comes complete with everything you see here. Including a tiny microphone, a tiny pair of headphones, and a tiny boss holding a tiny cattle prod.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Oh, the depth and riches of the wisdom and the knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out.” –Romans 11:33 New International Version
Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night. — Psalm 90:2 and 4

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor. — Ecclesiastes 7:12

 

Thought: We can try to insure our future through many things. Wisdom, however, is always a better investment than finances because it not only shelters us from our uncertain future, but Godly wisdom can also keep us out of the unnecessary consequences for dumb and ungodly behaviors. Most of all, God’s wisdom teaches us that there’s no solid future without our lives centered on God.

 

Prayer: O Lord God, I want to be wise in your ways and innocent in the ways of evil. Forgive my foolish and sometimes rebellious behaviors. Lead me with your Spirit in the ways of truth, justice, and righteousness. In the name of the Lord Jesus I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Galatians 6:9 NIV = Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 09, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 200 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

This is FAMILIES IN BUSINESS WEEK. ***MARLAR: Let’s hear it for nepotism! Yay! (I have to be positive about this because the owner’s daughter is in the other room answering phones and she can hear me.)

 

This is MEET A MATE WEEK. ***MARLAR: While this week is intended for singles to go out and meet other singles, married folks could use it as an excuse to make friends in Australia. Or maybe choose a different creamer for your coffee.

 

This is COACHES WEEK. ***MARLAR: And if you don’t like it you can shut up and take a lap.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Donald Duck Day

World APS Day

World Pet Memorial Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10

Alcoholics Anonymous (Founders) Day

Ball Point Pen Day

Iced Tea Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 11

Corn On The Cob

National Cotton Candy Day

Career Nurse Assistants Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 12

Banana Split Days (12-13)

Crowded Nest Awareness Day

National Lemonade Day (12-14)

Loving Day

National Jerky Day

National Peanut Butter Cookie Day

Superman Day

World Day Against Child Labor

Poultry Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 13

Poultry Festival (13-14)

World Bike Naked Day

International Young Eagles Day

Missing Mutts Awareness Day

Queen’s Official Birthday

World Gin Day

World Juggling Day

Worldwide Knit & Crochet in Public Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 14

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day

Army’s Birthday

Children’s Sunday

Multicultural American Child Day

Family History Day

Flag Day

Magic Circles Day

National Bourbon Day

Pause for the Pledge Day

Race Unity Day

World Blood Donor Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day

Magna Carta Day

Native American Citizenship Day

Nature Photography Day

National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers

Ride to Work Day (Motorcycles)

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day

Worldwide Day of Giving

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday

Fudge Day

Ladies’ Day (Baseball)

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1869: Charles Elmer Hires sold his first root beer in Philadelphia.

 

1915: Les Paul was born in Waukesha, Wisconsin. In the 1940s and ’50s he transformed popular music by inventing the modern solid-body electric guitar (Patent Number 3,018,680). In 2005, he was inducted into the Inventor Hall of Fame.

 

1970: Princeton University bestowed an honorary Doctorate of Music degree on Bob Dylan. ***MARLAR: He was then asked to speak to the class but nobody understood a word he said.

 

1972: Elvis Presley’s press agent announced that Elvis was available for an interview for $120,000.

 

1973: Secretariat became horse racing’s first Triple Crown winner in 25 years by winning the Belmont Stakes.

 

1978: Heavyweight boxing champ Ken Norton lost the world title he never won, losing a split decision to challenger Larry Holmes. The World Boxing Confederation had simply given the crown to top contender Norton when it stripped the title from Leon Spinks.

1958: Sheb Wooley’s “The Purple People Eater” hit #1 in the U.S. and stayed there for six weeks. Sheb’s second-highest song came in 1962 when “That’s My Pa” reached #51. His country novelties, recorded as Ben Colder, never made the pop charts. (

)

 

1984: Martina Navratilova beat Chris Evert at Wimbledon, earning a $1-million bonus for winning the French Open, the U.S. Open, and Wimbledon.

 

1989: Jane Foster and Deanna Brasseur became Canada’s first two female fighter pilots available for combat roles, possibly the world’s first.

 

1993: The U.S. Post Office unveiled its rock and rhythm-and-blues Legends of American Music stamp series, featuring Elvis Presley, Dinah Washington, Buddy Holly, Otis Redding, Bill Haley, Ritchie Valens, and Clyde McPhatter.

 

1994: In North Yorkshire, England, car thieves stole British Home Secretary Michael Howard’s bulletproof car while he was a attending a meeting of police chiefs. The car was found later minus all four wheels.

 

1996: Critics chased director Osama Fawzi from a movie seminar in Cairo, expressing their opinions loudly about his Devils of the Asphalt, which examined perversion among Cairo’s minibus drivers. They didn’t like the film.

 

1997: In Santa Monica, California, guests at the premier of the movie “Dream With The Fishes” celebrated afterward by bowling nude at a nearby rented alley. Not everyone was nude—some wore boxer shorts with the film’s logo. The movie had a nude bowling scene.

 

2003: Hundreds of tons of human waste leaked from containers, sparking a health concern at a fertilizer plant in Trosa, Sweden. Trosa, as newspapers gleefully pointed out, is what Swedes call women’s panties.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

68: Nero Claudius Caesar, the ruler to whom the Apostle Paul appealed for justice (Acts 25:10) and who ordered the first imperial persecution of Christians died.

 

597: Columba, Irish missionary to Scotland and founder of a monastery on the island of Iona, dies at age 76. Though more monk than missionary, he established churches that went on, in time, to evangelize the Picts and the English.

 

1549: England’s Act of Uniformity, passed by Parliament in January, takes effect. The act ordered that religious services be consistent throughout the country, using Thomas Cranmer’s Book of Common Prayer.

 

1784: Pope Pius VI names John Carroll, the first Roman Catholic bishop in the United States, as superior of the American mission.

 

1834: William Carey, often called “the father of modern Protestant missions” dies, having spent 41 years in India without a furlough. His mission could count only about 700 converts, but he had laid a foundation of Bible translations, education, and social reform. He also inspired the missionary movement of the nineteenth century, especially with his cry, “Expect great things; attempt great things”.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Stars Wars 1, 2 and 3) Natalie Portman, 34 (Being Queen Amidala’s birthday, it’s a three-day weekend on Naboo!)
  • Actress (“ER”) Gloria Reuben, 51 (
    )
  • Actor (Finding Neverland, Pirates of the Caribbean, Edward Scissorhands, “21 Jump Street”) Johnny Depp, 52 (
    )
  • Actor (“Spin City,” Back to the Future, Alex on “Family Ties”) Michael J. Fox, 54 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1865 : Carl Nielsen

1891 : Cole Porter

1915 : Les Paul

1929 : Johnny Ace

1934 : Jackie Wilson

1941 : Jon Lord (Deep Purple, Whitesnake)

1947 : Mick Box (Uriah Heep)

1949 : George Bunnell (The Strawberry Alarm Clock)

1950 : Trevor Bolder (Uriah Heep, Wishbone Ash)

1967 : Dean Felber (Hootie & the Blowfish)

1967 : Dean Dinning (Toad The Wet Sprocket)

1970 : Ed Simons (The Chemical Brothers)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call someone who’ll write almost anything for money a “hack?”

Well it’s not because they sometimes feel like taking an axe to their clients. The origin of the word lies not in a sharp temper–or wit–but rather in the animal kingdom. Hack is short for “hackney,” a word that since the 13th century has meant an ordinary horse, an animal that was not a thoroughbred or war horse used by a knight but rather just an everyday nag useful for mundane tasks. In other words, a horse that did the drudge work. After a century or so the word also came into use for a horse that could be hired out. By the 16th century it was being applied to people who did work for hire. Two hundred years later hackney became hack. So if you’re a hack, you’re considered “nobody.” I hope that doesn’t hack you off!

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Matthew West found a unique way to celebrate National Donut Day last week. Matthew says that, at his concert that night, he and his band threw donuts out to the crowd.

 

Josh Wilson is really enjoying his time off. He tweeted: Hung my hammock on the back porch 3 days ago. Haven’t moved in 3 days.

 

Jenny Simmon’s daughter has a unique way of eating donuts. Both Jenny and Annie celebrated National Donut Day last week by enjoying a donut and Jenny shared a picture of Annie’s donut along with the caption: This how she eats donuts. Top off, no bottom.

 

Switchfoot front man Jon Foreman is sharing some of his favorite pictures in his You Don’t Know How Beautiful You Are photo contest. Earlier this month Jon asked his followers on social media to post their favorite picture of someone they care about and then share what makes them beautiful. Jon has already shared a number of favorites on his twitter page.  https://twitter.com/jonforeman

 

Meredith Andrews was giving her young daughter Frankie her first make up training session. Meredith shared a picture as she and Frankie sat on the floor in front of a full length mirror. But it looks like Frankie is still working on the concept. She was more interested in chewing on the mascara container then learning where it is actually suppose to go.

 

Matthew West has produced three CDs based on the more than 40,000 stories sent to him by his fans but he is showing no signs of slowing down. Matthew’s third CD has been out for just one month but this week Matthew was already back in his cabin reading more stories. He tweeted: In this cabin, I’ve read about the good the bad and the ugly. The victories and the failures. The joy and the pain.

 

SanctusReal front man Matt Hammitt says it’s a different world. Matt shared that SanctusReal was a band for five years before the internet was popular. He added that, when they got their start, social media didn’t even exist.

 

Natalie Grant will soon be offering clothing for children. For some time the Christian artist has been offering clothing and jewelry through her NG by Natalie Grant trade mark. This week she shared on Instagram that NG Kids are now available. http://t.co/eobJDVfkGN

 

Mandisa is feeling her age. She tweeted this week: You know you’re getting older when your hair stylist asks if you wanna start using color! But Jamie Grace had the perfect response. She replied to Mandisa’s tweet: that’s all that wisdom creepin out!

 

Jamie Grace will be joining her older sister Morgan on tour this summer. This week she shared a little more about the differences between the two siblings. Jamie tweeted: “I’m more likely to be in a hot pink dress and cowboy boots.” “Morgan has this cool rootsy organic sound.” http://t.co/NeQZ4VLSKj

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Bull yak flees at sight of bear, leaving behind cows, calves
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — When a curious brown bear showed up at an Anchorage area farm, the cows in a small yak herd there defiantly surrounded the calves. But not the lone bull, Stormy: he sprinted away. HASH(0xd2e560) Angie Johnson owns the 25-acre farm with her husband and describes the…

 

Police: Man baked potato, raked leaves during break-in
HOBBS, N.M. (AP) — A New Mexico man is facing charges after police say he walked into an unlocked home, stole car keys and stunned a resident who found him baking a potato and raking leaves. Patrick Lynn Waits, 45, was arrested early Tuesday following a bizarre chain of events that confused…
New York man says fortuneteller scammed him out $700K
NEW YORK (AP) — A New York man who sought help from a fortuneteller to fix a romantic relationship says she scammed him out of more than $700,000. Now the allegations have the Manhattan psychic, Priscilla Delmaro, and another person facing charges of grand larceny. HASH(0xc2c4c0) In a…
Man sentenced for robbing same shoe store 15 years later
TOMS RIVER, N.J. (AP) — A man who served time for robbing a shoe store is now headed back to prison for another robbery at the same New Jersey store — as the same clerk was behind the counter. Christopher Miller was sentenced Friday to 16 years in prison. The 41-year-old Bridgeton man…
Maine country inn going to winner of essay contest    photo
LOVELL, Maine (AP) — A woman who ran a Maine country inn for more than two decades can retire now that she’s found a new owner through an essay contest. Janice Sage from the Center Lovell Inn & Restaurant announced Saturday that a winner had been picked from among hundreds of 200-word essays…
Does free ping pong in Seattle parks stop crime?
SEATTLE (AP) — The city of Seattle is wondering if free ping pong in its parks may help stop crime. HASH(0xc2c940) A ping pong table was installed at Hing Hay Park in Chinatown four years ago. Since then, crime data from the Seattle Police Department suggests incidents in the area seem to be…
Fake orca nearly drowns before it can scare Oregon sea lions    photo
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — When a 32-foot replica killer whale buzzed through the water to scare off hundreds of sea lions piled on Oregon docks, onlookers cheered. And then the dummy orca went belly-up. The motorized fiberglass orca was brought to the seaside town of Astoria on Thursday as a sort…
Clowns required for public hospitals in Argentine province    photo
BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (AP) — Tapping into the healing power of laughter, specially trained clowns will be hired by public hospitals in Argentina’s largest province thanks to a new law that requires they be available to help treat child patients. Andres Kogan, a pediatrician who oversees a…
Phoenix sets June 5 rainfall record with a measly .03 inch
PHOENIX (AP) — It didn’t take much rain to set a record in Phoenix. The National Weather Service said Friday the 0.03 inch of rain recorded at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport by 4 p.m. was the largest amount for June 5. Meteorologist Chris Kuhlman said that it had never officially…
Police: Boston subway fare evader was carrying $7K in cash
BOSTON (AP) — Boston transit police say a man who slipped through turnstiles behind another customer to avoid paying the $2.10 fare had nearly $7,000 in cash on him. Police say they stopped 35-year-old Timothy Chapman, of Woburn, Massachusetts, at the Back Bay station after they watched him…
Man called a great impostor is charged with identity theft    photo
DETROIT (AP) — Police investigating bad checks say they found much more: A Detroit-area impostor who inspired a 1989 award-winning film was posing like someone else — again. William Street Jr., 64, was charged in federal court with fraud and identity theft after he was found with…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

AP Exclusive: Abortions declining in nearly all states    photo
Abortions have declined in states where new laws make it harder to have them — but they’ve also waned in states where abortion rights are protected, an Associated Press survey finds. Nearly everywhere, in red states and blue, abortions are down since 2010. Explanations vary. Abortion-rights…

 

6th person dies of MERS virus in South Korea    photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — South Korea on Monday reported its sixth death from Middle East Respiratory Syndrome as authorities were bolstering measures to stem the spread of the virus that has left dozens of people infected. A total of 87 people in South Korea have been infected by MERS since…
Private lab says listeria found in Alabama-made Blue Bell
MONTGOMERY, Ala. (AP) — Blue Bell Creameries is reviewing a report from a private laboratory that found evidence of listeria in a carton of ice cream manufactured at its Alabama plant. Brent McRae, 75, of Florida, who had recently eaten Blue Bell’s Cookies ‘n Cream ice cream, fell ill with…
FDA panel backs female libido pill, under safety conditions    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The drug industry’s decade-spanning search for a female equivalent to Viagra took a major step forward Thursday, as government experts recommended approval for a pill to boost sexual desire in women. The first-of-a-kind endorsement came with safety reservations, however, due…
Texas doctors do world’s first skull-scalp transplant    photo
Opening a new frontier in transplant surgery, Texas doctors have done the world’s first partial skull and scalp transplant to help a man who suffered a large head wound from cancer treatment. Doctors from Houston Methodist Hospital and MD Anderson Cancer Center did the operation two weeks ago. The…
More reason for calm than panic in South Korea’s MERS scare    photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — Sales of surgical masks surge amid fears of a deadly, poorly understood virus. Airlines announce “intensified sanitizing operations.” More than 1,100 schools close and 1,600 people — and 17 camels in zoos — are quarantined. The current frenzy in South…
American Samoa dialysis clinic reopens after 2-day closure    photo
PAGO PAGO, American Samoa (AP) — American Samoa’s only dialysis clinic has reopened after a product recall forced it to close for two days. LBJ Medical Center said the clinic reopened at 4 p.m. Friday and began treating patients who require dialysis. The clinic shut down Wednesday after the…
Clowns required for public hospitals in Argentine province    photo
BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (AP) — Tapping into the healing power of laughter, specially trained clowns will be hired by public hospitals in Argentina’s largest province thanks to a new law that requires they be available to help treat child patients. Andres Kogan, a pediatrician who oversees a…
Appalachia gripped by hepatitis C epidemic, bracing for HIV    photo
HAZARD, Ky. (AP) — Patton Couch shook his head and clenched his teeth, recounting the night four years ago when he plucked a dirty needle from a pile at a flophouse and jabbed it into his scarred arm. He knew the odds; most of the addicts in the room probably had hepatitis C. “All I cared…
Facts about needle exchanges and Hepatitis C    photo
LOUISVILLE, Ky. (AP) — STATES FEAR NEEDLES The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention documented a 364 percent increase in new cases of Hepatitis C in Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Virginia. Of the four states, only Kentucky has passed legislation to allow for syringe exchanges….
Expert panel: Mammograms are most worth it for women 50-69    photo
A new, international panel of experts has studied the most recent evidence on mammograms to screen for breast cancer and says they do the most good for women in their 50s and 60s. Women 70 to 74 also benefit to a lesser extent. But evidence that screening helps women in their 40s is “limited,” the…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in Maine have arrested a man they allege tried to steal lawn chairs from a woman’s yard. They say the man then swung a machete at the woman when she used a garden hoe to try to stop him from stealing.  *** Well, you’re stealing lawn furniture – so I guess lawn equipment is the obvious choice to do battle with.

 

Nine southern California McDonald’s restaurants are trying out breakfast bowls made with… wait for it… kale.  McDonald’s is serving kale.  *** This is what bowing down to bullies looks like, kids – and it’s not pretty.

 

Astrophysicists from the University of Hawaii have discovered THC (the active ingredient in marijuana) on a meteorite found in the Nevada desert in 2010.  THC was also found in a meteorite fragment in 2009 by a research team from the University of Mexico but the findings were dismissed at the time because of the “controversial nature of the discovery”.  *** This actually explains a lot when it comes to UFO crashes.  The spaceship captains were driving high.

 

During an interview on MSNBC, Nancy Pelosi said of fighting ISIS that we must fight them on “the front of social media”.  *** Yesss… in fact, we should all jump online and begin poking them on Facebook immediately.  That’ll make them stop beheading people.  If that doesn’t work – they get unfriended.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A report says Americans commuting to work lose over 3 billion hours sitting in traffic delays every year.  ***MARLAR: What a waste… those are hours that could have been spent at work shopping on eBay.

 

With smartphones in hand, we’re having a hard time dropping our workload when 5 PM rolls around. Even after an 8-hour day, many employees report checking emails and taking work-related calls after hours. Having constant access to our mobile communication streams tacks on an extra two hours of work a day.  ***MARLAR: If that’s the case, then shouldn’t we be allowed a three-hour lunch?

 

Performance-boosting drugs, powered prostheses and wearable computers are coming to an office near you – but experts warned in a new report that too little thought has been given to the implications of a superhuman workplace.  ***MARLAR: For example, if you’re going to be a superhuman office worker, how can you change into your super suit if we don’t have telephone booths anymore?

 

Bad posture can make you neck creak and your shoulders ache, but recent research shows that your slouch might be making you a grouch. In a recent study from San Francisco State University, slouchers reported increased feelings of depression and lower energy.  ***MARLAR: That’s odd, as I typically slouch because I’m depressed and tired.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Daylight Savings”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey ILO, “ChiTown”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Boy can I relate to that one! But hey, maybe Uncle Racquet will know a thing or two about… uh… well, whatever skunks learn in school. We’ll find out next time As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 13/14, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were completely exhausted from trying to keep up with their own schedules. They didn’t have time for all of their chores, didn’t have time for friends, meetings, even quick conversations! After collapsing from the stress, a group of very peaceful turtles wandered by…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

The best way to get away with a crime? Just tell the cops not to bother getting up.

A Vancouver thief specializing in hitting high-end jewelry stores by neutralizing their sophisticated security systems is believed to be behind last month’s multi-million dollar art heist at the University of British Columbia’s Museum of Anthropology. In this high tech heist, he called campus police, said he was with the alarm company and that they were doing some tests and not to worry when the alarms went off. Campus security fell for it and ignored the ensuing alarms.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN BACHELOR FOOD STORAGE RULES

 

  1. EGGS – When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

 

  1. DAIRY PRODUCTS – Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway — if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!.

 

  1. MEAT – If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.

 

  1. LETTUCE – Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet and a brillo pad. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.

 

  1. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.

 

  1. CARROTS – A carrot you can tie a clove hitch in is no longer fresh.

 

  1. CHIP DIP – If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

 

  1. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost it’s label, it’s probably done.

 

  1. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if you live with someone else.

 

  1. THE GAG TEST – Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Learning your criminal-mastermind techniques from TV may not be the best idea. The files of Law & Disorder, coming up!

 

FILE #1: An Alexandria, Louisiana, woman tried to outrun officers, thinking police could not arrest her once she made it home. Renetta Fells told officers she had seen that happen on a television show. Fells also did not stop because she did not want her car impounded. But once she pulled into her driveway, officers from four agencies surrounded and arrested Fells on charges of speeding, aggravated flight from an officer, reckless operation of a vehicle, and failure to yield to an emergency vehicle. Fells had pulled into her driveway and got out as if nothing had happened.

 

FILE #2: He used to put criminals away. Now he’ll be joining them. Former Highland Falls police Officer Matthew Lawrence was sentenced to 60 days in Orange County Jail after pleading guilty to official misconduct He admitted to stealing a $600 leaf blower from a locked utility garage at the James I. O’Neill High School in the Town of Highlands in New York. He was in full uniform, driving a police car at the time he committed the theft.

 

FILE #3: In Green Bay, Wisconsin, a 23-year-old inmate, serving 15 months in Brown Country jail for a robbery conviction, must have thought his sentence was too lenient. Why else would he have blinded himself permanently by gouging his own eyes out with his fingers? Lt. Phil Steffen of the sheriff’s department would not release the inmate’s name but did say, “He injured both eyes permanently. Nobody has heard of this happening before. How do you protect someone from their own hands?” Guards rushed to his cell after hearing strange noises. They found the man standing in his cell with blood covering his face. The officers were later given counseling and have returned to work. ***MARLAR: The OFFICERS received counseling? What about the guy that DOESN’T HAVE ANY EYES NOW?!?!

 

STRANGE LAW: In Delaware, getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

What do you do to get rid of a telemarketing phone call? Jason Dee of Sparks, Nevada, thought he came up with a funny excuse to stop talking to a telemarketer.

He brushed the caller off by saying he couldn’t talk because he was too busy robbing the house. Jason wasn’t robbing the house — it was his house — but the man on the other end of the line did not know that, and soon the police were at his door. And while they couldn’t arrest him for burglary, they did discover that Dee was wanted for three outstanding warrants and he had drug paraphernalia in his home too, which resulted in the arrest of two of his friends who were sleeping at his house.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Do you have any nervous habits, like biting your nails, cracking your knuckles, or twisting your hair? Does your significant other?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The book of Esther in the Bible is the only book which does not mention what?

ANSWER: God

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Researchers say it appears that the more you eat of these, the less your chance of having asthma.  What do they suggest you eat more of?

ANSWER: Carrots and tomatoes

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Illegible handwriting is known as “griffonage.” (True)

 

  1. It’s against the law to stare at the mayor of Paris. (True)

 

  1. It takes about 200 ears of corn to make a tablespoon of corn oil.(False – 12)

 

  1. Chinese gooseberries didn’t sell well in the U.S. until grocers renamed them kiwis. (True)

 

  1. The average person can live 5 days without water. (False, 11 days)

 

  1. One pound of $50 bills would be worth $24,500. (True)

 

  1. Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines. (True – because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450 degrees)

 

  1. In the adult human body, there are 460 miles of nerves. (False, 46)

 

  1. There are no permanent rivers or lakes in Saudi Arabia. (True)

 

  1. An atomic clock can be made accurate to one second in every 150,000 years. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

FACEBOOK ________ (JUNIOR)

Facebook Junior, a new platform for children under the age of 13, has launched – and millions have signed up already.

With Facebook’s stock under pressure and revenue streams needing to be strengthened, Facebook has launched a new site that allows children 13 and younger to have their own Facebook profiles, something that was not allowed before,  but happened commonly.

In order to comply with federal law, access for children comes with strict parental oversight.

Over the last two years, Facebook tested access for younger children that would allow them to control their account but would ultimately give responsibility for managing apps and friends requests to their parents.

Already the site is a huge hit, with millions of tweens, toddlers… and even newborns signing up.  ”We’ll probably add 50 million children before the end of the year,” said a source close to an employee of the company.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

 

JOKE #1

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

“This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,” said one.

“No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,” said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. “Bring me my biggest sword,” said Solomon, “and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.”

“Sounds good to me,” said the first lady.

But the other woman said, “Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.”

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. “The attorney must marry the first lady’s daughter,” he proclaimed.

Aghast, the second woman said, “But she was willing to hew him in two!”

“Indeed,” said wise King Solomon. “That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.”

 

JOKE #2

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, “Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today”

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, “Well pastor, I don’t know much ’bout preachin’, but I do know something bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I’d still feed ’em”

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, “Well pastor, I don’t know much bout preachin’, but I do know somethin’ ’bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn’t give ’em the whole bale of hay.”

 

JOKE #3

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.  They bagged six.  As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.  The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.  However, even with full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, “Any idea where we are?”

Seamus says, “Not sure but I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

With the sun expected to grow eleven percent hotter over the next 1.1 billion years, astronomers are working on a way to move Earth to a cooler, safer orbit. ***MARLAR: Okay, so then what’s going to happen to that lifetime warranty on my new solar-powered pocket calculator?

 

A Reno, Nevada, mom whose daughter was mistakenly disqualified from a spelling bee is threatening to sue all the way to the Supreme Court.  ***MARLAR: Sue for what?  What does she hope to gain from this… it’s not like they’re going to proclaim her daughter the champion just because mom calls a lawyer.  Do you think the mother knows how to spell “Frivolous Law Suit?”

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

NO REST

The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, “It’s nothing… just his beeper.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NO REST

The doctor had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, “It’s nothing… just his beeper.”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“My lord the king, please forgive me,” he pleaded. “Forget the terrible thing I did when you left Jerusalem.” 2 Samuel 19:19

The return of the king was a sudden, unanticipated event that radically changed all perspectives. Those who had mocked David as he left Jerusalem now repented, falling prostrate and begging for mercy. Those who had blessed David in his exile were richly rewarded (2 Samuel 19:23) and invited to sit at his table for the rest of their lives. With his return, David held accountable those whose actions were questionable, and the truth was revealed (v. 25). What a picture this story is of the return of the King of Kings! When Jesus returns, time will stop. One by one, we will each stand before the judgment seat of Christ and give a detailed account of how we have used our time, money, and gifts. We will answer for every wrong thought and attitude of the mind we have harbored. How foolish it is to waste our lives or brazenly defy the Lordship of Christ as though He will never return! Why not ponder every day what it will be like the moment after the King returns and it is too late to change anything? One day our King will return. That is a sure fact. May you hear Him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).

–Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

PEOPLE PROBLEMS

READ: Romans 12:9-21

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. —Romans 12:18

My neighbor seemed upset with me. Apparently I had done something that bothered her. When I asked if I had offended her, she responded with a curt “No!” I told her, “I don’t want any bad feelings between us. If I’ve done something to offend you, I apologize.” Since then the climate has remained cool.

Someone has said, “The more I get to know the human race, the more I love my dog.” Dogs are loyal, dependable, eager to please, and quick to forgive and forget. Don’t you wish people were more like that?

But sometimes no matter how hard we try to have a good relationship with someone, it doesn’t work. The apostle Paul addressed that situation in Romans 12:18. Notice the phrase “as much as depends on you.” He knew that some people-problems may never be resolved. It takes two to quarrel; it takes two to reconcile. If you do your part and the problem remains, there is still a plan to follow. Don’t harbor resentment or retaliate with the weapon of silence. Do all you can to overcome evil with good (v.21), and let God work out the problem. We need to keep following the steps given in Romans 12 until our people-problems are resolved—but especially if they’re not. —Dennis J. De Haan

 

How To Handle People Problems (Romans 12)
Be affectionate (v.10). Be prayerfully patient (v.12).
Bless your persecutors (v.14). Be humble (v.16).
Don’t take revenge (v.19). Defeat evil with good (v.21).

 

The best way to conquer an enemy is with the weapon of love.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

IF YOUR DOG IS ‘LEFT-PAWED’ IT IS MORE LIKELY TO ATTACK

Left handed dogs are more likely to be aggressive to strangers than those that are right-pawed. Australian researchers tested a group of dogs to see which paw they preferred to use for basic tasks and then analyzed their behavioral traits. They found while there was no link with levels of excitability or attention seeking, the animals which were ‘left-pawed’ were much more likely to act aggressively towards people they did not know.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

SQUEEEEEZE

One of the greatest FREE products available, anywhere! It’s healthy, all-natural, organic, has no moving parts or batteries, it’s non-taxable, and fully returnable!

Hugging is healthy. It helps the body’s immune system; it keeps you healthier; it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it’s invigorating, it’s rejuvenating, it has no unpleasant side effects, and hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug. Hugging is all-natural. It is organic, naturally sweet, no pesticides, no preservatives, no artificial ingredients and 100% wholesome. Hugging is practically perfect. There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups, low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation proof, non-fattening, no monthly payments, no insurance requirements, theft proof, non-taxable, non-polluting, and, of course, fully returnable.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Bad news for lovers of reality shows – they’re about to become even MORE boring!

Agents and casting directors say they’re seeing a shrinking pool of people who want to appear on reality shows. Actors who used to do it for exposure now see it as a stigma, and non-professionals are wary because too many shows humiliate contestants. A TV Guide Online editor says he doubts there will a shortage of contestants, but we may see a reduction in the quality of people appearing on reality shows. ***MARLAR: … may?… (That might explain why NONE of the people on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” are actual celebrities.)

 

 

FUN LIST

THE AGE TEST

 

  1. Name the Beatles.
  2. _________________
  3. _________________
  4. _________________
  5. _________________

 

  1. Finish this line… “Lions and Tigers and Bears, ____ _____”

 

  1. “Hey kids, what time is it?” It’s______ _____ ______.

 

  1. What do M&M’s do? ____ ____ ____ ____ _____, ____ ____ ____ ____

 

  1. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? ____ _____.

 

  1. Long before he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _____ _____.

 

  1. You’ll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ___.

 

  1. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper’s “little buddy.” But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie’s closest friend, ______G. _______.

 

  1. M-I-C: See ya’ real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!

 

  1. “Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____.”

 

  1. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _____ _____.

 

  1. From the early days of our music, real rock ‘n roll, finish this line:” I wonder, wonder, wonder…wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____ ____?”

 

  1. And while we’re remembering rock n’ roll, try this one: “War…uh-huh, huh…yea; what is it good for?, ____ _____.”

 

  1. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and _____ ____ _____.

 

  1. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings. He is Broadway _____ ______.

 

  1. “I’m Popeye the sailor man; I’m Popeye the sailor man. I’m strong to the finish, ____ ____ ____ ___ ____. I’m Popeye the sailor man.”

 

  1. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was played once in a movie by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______ ______.

 

  1. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne’er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, “What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ____ ___.”

 

  1. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. “Just think, you won’t have ____ ____ to kick around anymore.”

 

  1. “Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda’ broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn’t give no lip, ____ ____,____ ____ ____.”

 

  1. “I found my thrill, ____ ____ ____.”

 

  1. ____ ____ said, “Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ____ ____ ____.”

 

  1. “Good night, David.” “____ ____,____.”>

 

  1. “Liar, liar, ____ ____ ____.”

 

  1. “When it’s least expected, you’re elected. You’re the star today. ____! ____ ____ ____ ____.”

 

  1. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, “We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ ____.”

 

ANSWERS:

  1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
  2. Oh, my
  3. It’s Howdy Doody Time!
  4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
  5. Wonder Bread
  6. Cassius Clay
  7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
  8. Maynard G. Krebbs
  9. Why? Because we like you.
  10. A little dab’ll do ya.
  11. over 30
  12. Who wrote the book of love
  13. Absolutely nothing’
  14. The American way
  15. Joe Namath
  16. “cause I eats me spinach”
  17. Mary Martin
  18. is a failure to communicate
  19. Richard Nixon
  20. Big John, Big Bad John
  21. On Blueberry Hill
  22. Jimmy Durante – Wherever you are.
  23. Good night, Chet.
  24. pants on fire
  25. Smile you’re on Candid Camera
  26. he is us

 

SCORING:

24-26 correct – You’re probably 50+ years old

20-23 correct – Most likely in your 40’s

15-19 correct – Are we in our 30’s?

10-14 correct – Must be in your 20’s!!

1- 9 correct – You’re, like, sorta a teenage dude?

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Don’t forget to get married – it might keep you from being forgetful! 

(Sun) Matrimony is so good for people that it even wards off memory loss and dementia. These startling new facts were revealed in a study of 1,400 participants. Researchers began with the group at age 50 or so and then checked back 20 years later. The results of the survey showed that those who were widowed or divorced at midlife were more likely to fall victim to Alzheimer’s. Apparently, married couples provide each other with enough mental and social challenges to hold dementia at bay at least for several extra years. The scientists did include other factors that could lead to Alzheimer’s a devastating illness caused by a complex combination of genetics and environment. But the most important conclusions from the study are that maintaining an active lifestyle of healthy eating, regular exercise, mental challenges and marital status lowers the risk of developing the deadly disease.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

The Drop And Give Me 10 Pushup Challenge could be this year’s viral Ice Bucket Challenge. According to the Huffington Post, The challenge is heating up online. It asks participants to both complete 10 pushups on camera and donate a chosen amount for each pushup toward the Children of Fallen Patriots Foundation. Those who complete the feat are encouraged to challenge three others to do the same. What started as a small grassroots effort before Memorial Day took off once TV personality Bear Grylls of “Man vs. Wild” completed the challenge in late May

http://huff.to/1Q9Nryy

 

The signature of a school custodian is a hot commodity at one school in Illinois. According to Fox News, dozens of elementary school students lined up to get their yearbook signed by Steve Weidner on the final day of classes. But school officials say Steve is more than just a janitor. Principal Shirley Padera said “He pays attention to the kids… he knows who they are,” “The kids know if anything happens, Mr. Steve is going to take care of it.”

http://fox4kc.com/2015/06/05/second-grade-students-line-up-to-get-yearbook-signed-by-school-custodian/

 

Looking for something fun for the kids to do this summer that will all them to express their creativity without creating a lot of mess? iMom is out with a list four types of paint that you can make without creating a huge cleanup job. They include recipes for Bathtub Paint, Window Paint, Mess-Free Finger Paint and Outdoor Paint. Check out all four…

http://bit.ly/1Gh0864

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’m going to bolt out of here a little early. The boss is kind of testy today because his new secretary isn’t working out. He asked her to take a letter. She took “Q.”

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 05, 2015…

 

Entourage—Yes, they finally made a movie from the TV series and the gang is back including Adrian Grenier, Jeremy Piven (now in “Mr. Selfridge”), Kevin Connally, Jerry Ferrera and Kevin Dillon. In this plot, Piven heads a movie studio and wants Adrian to star in a film, but Adrian wants to star AND direct.  And away we go. “Entourage” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Insidious Chapter 3—The haunting continues and a teenage girl (of course) is haunted by something from the beyond. The cast includes Dermot Mulroney, Stefanie Scott, Michael Reid MacKay and Lin Shaye. “Insidious: Chapter 3” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Spy—Melissa McCarthy is on the right side of the law this time. She is a government analyst and at the bottom of her social life, when she is picked to find important information about a nuclear contraption gone missing. The other agents are doing other things, so can Melissa complete the task at hand? What do you think?  Guess who is in the cast…Jason Statham and Jude Law. “Spy” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the cast.

 

Testament of Youth (opening in select cities)—The script is adapted from a book by Vera Brittain about her experiences during WWI. Love and war don’t always go together. The cast includes Kit Harington (“Game of Thrones” and Alicia Vikander (“Ex Machina.”) “Testament of Youth” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Love & Mercy—This is a biopic-film about members of The Beach Boys, and stars Paul Dano as Brian Wilson and John Cusack as Brian in later years. You figure that one out, the director is Bill Pohlad. The film shows the problems Wilson has in his early years and how a girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks) tries to help him in later years. “Love & Mercy” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

 

JUNE 12, 2015…

 

Jurassic World takes us ahead a few years and the park is now a functioning wonderland…or is it? Stars Chris Pratt.

 

Madame Bovary is another adaptation of the famous novel and this time stars Mia Wasikowska.

 

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl stars Thomas Mann in a film about serious illness.

 

The Wolfpack is a documentary about brothers who are home-schooled and never leave the house.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.