June 11, 2015: Thursday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION:

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today must be payday… the boss just called in sick.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” — Proverbs 28:13

 

Jesus said, “Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. — Matthew 7:13-14

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

We constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. — 2 Thessalonians 1:11

 

Thought: Paul prays for God to be active in the lives of these new Christians — to maximize the good they intend to do as well as fully bless every good deed they do out of their commitment of faith. What new Christian do you need to pray this for?

 

Prayer: Strong and mighty Father, please bless several new Christians who are on my heart today. Help them recognize your presence in their lives. Please maximize the good in every effort they make and every intention they have to honor you and bless your people. Protect them from the evil one. In Jesus’ name I ask this blessing. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Ephesians 6:11 NIV = Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 11, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 198 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is NATIONAL GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY. ***MARLAR: It has nothing to do with Germany though – it was invented back in 1852 by a guy named Sam German.

 

Today is NATIONAL FEED THE DUCKS DAY. ***MARLAR: Pigeons don’t count.

 

Today is RACE UNITY DAY. ***MARLAR: You can either get together today with someone of a different skin color, or you can challenge a Unitarian to a foot race.

 

Today is NATIONAL HUG DAY. Some call it Hug Holiday, a day to give hugs to those who need them. Some celebrate it June 29th, others celebrate it today. ***MARLAR: Still others celebrate it on both June 11th and June 29th because they’re really clingy.

 

Today is AMERICAN IDOL DAY. The TV show debuted on Fox on this date in 2002. ***MARLAR: No other show has done so much towards introducing America to really mediocre talent.

 

town-crierToday is INTERNATIONAL TOWN CRIERS DAY.  ***MARLAR: Some things you do NOT want to hear from your town crier…

  • The Scientologists are coming!  The Scientologists are coming!
  • Abandon hope, all ye who enter the bathroom at the State Street Road Ranger!
  • Halt!  Do not proceed in your ill-fitting spandex!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Corn On The Cob

National Cotton Candy Day

Career Nurse Assistants Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, JUNE 12

Banana Split Days (12-13)

Crowded Nest Awareness Day

National Lemonade Day (12-14)

Loving Day

National Jerky Day

National Peanut Butter Cookie Day

Superman Day

World Day Against Child Labor

Poultry Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 13

Poultry Festival (13-14)

World Bike Naked Day

International Young Eagles Day

Missing Mutts Awareness Day

Queen’s Official Birthday

World Gin Day

World Juggling Day

Worldwide Knit & Crochet in Public Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 14

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day

Army’s Birthday

Children’s Sunday

Multicultural American Child Day

Family History Day

Flag Day

Magic Circles Day

National Bourbon Day

Pause for the Pledge Day

Race Unity Day

World Blood Donor Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day

Magna Carta Day

Native American Citizenship Day

Nature Photography Day

National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers

Ride to Work Day (Motorcycles)

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day

Worldwide Day of Giving

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday

Fudge Day

Ladies’ Day (Baseball)

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17

Eat Your Vegetables Day

Stewarts Root Beer Day

World Day to Combat Desertification and Drought

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 18

International Sushi Day

Dump the Pump Day

Ramadan (6/18-7/16)

Recess at Work Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1955: In auto racing’s worst moment, Pierre Levegh’s Mercedes flew into the crowd and exploded at the Le Mans Grand Prix. Including Levegh, 82 died and 100 others were injured.

 

1972: Hank Aaron tied the National League record for 14 grand-slam home runs in a career.

 

1976: Wild Cherry released “Play That Funky Music.”

 

1979: Actor John Wayne died at age 72 after a 15-year battle with cancer.

 

1981: In a dispute over free-agent compensation, players called the first mid-season strike in pro baseball history. It ended June 30 after 706 games were cancelled.

 

1982: Director Steven Spielberg introduced his classic science-fiction film, “E.T., The Extra-Terrestrial.” (

)

 

1990: Nolan Ryan of the Texas Rangers pitched his 6th career no-hitter.

 

1990: The United Nations appointed a new environmental ambassador: singer Olivia Newton-John. ***MARLAR: Because when you think of being green and saving the planet, you immediately think of Sandra Dee in leather smoking a cigarette.

 

1992: Major-league baseball approved the purchase of the Seattle Mariners by a Japanese group headed by the president of Nintendo.

 

1993: Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park premiered. (

)

 

1996: Garth Brooks set a country music Fan Fair record by signing autographs in Nashville for 23 hours straight.

 

1998: Amazon.com expanded its product line from books only to add compact discs.

 

2001: A pet shop owner in Hoogeveen, Netherlands, installed a vending machine to sell live maggots. The crawling creatures quickly became popular bait with local fishermen.

 

2002: Rock star Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were married in a remote Irish castle.

 

2002: “American Idol” premiered on the Fox Network. The talent show was based on a similar British program. ***MARLAR: So what did horrible singers do before there was “American Idol?” They rented the apartment below mine. (

)

 

2004: The nation said goodbye to former President Ronald Reagan at a televised funeral service in Washington, D.C., followed hours later by a hilltop burial ceremony in California.

 

2005: The world’s richest countries agreed to a debt relief deal for the poorest nations, writing off $40 billion in debt.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1294: Death of Roger Bacon, a Franciscan monk and one of the most original thinkers of the Middle Ages. He predicted aircraft, submarines, suspension bridges, engines, and more.

 

1525: Luther marries Katherina von Bora, a nun who escaped from her convent in a fish barrel.

 

1782: William Black, the first Canadian Methodist clergyman, preaches his debut sermons.

 

1799: The man who would become the first Afro-American Methodist bishop in the US, Richard Allen, is ordained a deacon in the Methodist Episcopal church.

 

1850: David C. Cook, a pioneer publisher of Sunday School materials, is born in East Worcester, New York. By his death in 1927, his company was the largest publisher of nondenominational Sunday school literature in the world.

 

1923: Mildred Cable and the Chinese Trio leave Hwo Chow to set out for Central Asia, uncertain what and where the Lord is calling them. Years later they will have preached the gospel to hundreds of cities and villages in the Gobi desert.

 

1936: The Presbyterian Church of North America is founded in Philadelphia led by J. Gresham Machen and others who believe that the United Presbyterian church has become too liberal.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Dawson’s Creek”, “Fringe”) Joshua Jackson 37 (
    )
  • actor (“House”) Hugh Laurie 56 (
    )
  • quarterback Joe Montana 59
  • actress (Escape From New York, Swamp Thing, The Fog, “The Drew Carey Show”) Adrienne Barbeau 70 (
    )
  • actor (Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory) Gene Wilder is 80 (
    )
  • extra-terrestrial E.T. is 833 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1864 : Richard Strauss

1934 : James “Pookie” Hudson (The Spaniels)

1936 : Jud Strunk

1939 : Wilma Burgess

1940 : Joey Dee (Joey Dee and the Starliters)

1946 : John Lawton (Uriah Heep)

1947 : Glenn Leonard (The Temptations)

1947 : Richard Palmer-James (Supertramp, King Crimson)

1948 : Skip Skipper (Pretty Things, Them)

1949 : Frank Beard (ZZ Top)

1952 : Donnie Van Zant (.38 Special, Van Zant)

1961 : Kim and Kelley Deal (The Breeders)

1961 : Robert Birch (Stereo MC’s)

1965 : Joey Santiago (Pixies)

1969 : Dan Lavery (Tonic)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Can you be bored to death… literally?

A new university study reveals you can actually be bored to death. Dr. Pers Lundgrem of the Norwegian Heart Institute in Oslo says, “prolonged boredom cause the body to release low levels of adrenaline, the same hormone which is produced when war are frightened or angry.” This can cause blood pressure and heart rate to sky rocket. Normally when we get an adrenaline rush we are able to expend it through fight or flight. But when the cause is boredom, there is not such pressure release and the levels increase until they reach lethal proportions. The good news is you can keep listening to my show and not have to worry about it!

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell and Mark Lee have a lot of history together. Mac tweeted: been doing this travel thing together since the marching band bus back in high school!

 

A bit of trivia about Third Day guitarist Mark Lee. He shared that, like Mac Powell, he is left handed. However, unlike Mac, Mark plays the guitar right handed. Mark says it’s a right handed world so he made the switch when he started learning the violin at the age of six. He says he never regretted that decision.

 

Another groaner from Citizen Way: What do you call the feeling you get after doing your homework? The aftermath!

 

Plumb is taking action to insure she is able to work out while on the road. The Christian artist said she had just purchase an exercise mat in hopes that the purchase would encourage her to work out while she is traveling. And she said that, even thought she doesn’t want to, she was going to exercise…starting tomorrow of course.

 

David Crowder has found a simple, fool proof two step plan to get salsa stains out of your khaki pants. Step one-go to store. Step two-buy new pants.

 

Jamie Grace used the kids room as a dressing room at one of her recent concerts and she says it nearly ended up being a problem. She tweeted that the room was full of all her favorite Veggie Tales videos and she couldn’t resist watching just a few. In fact, before her concert, she jokingly said that it might just cause her to miss her time on stage.

 

Comedian Ken Davis: I’m writing a book about reverse psychology. Don’t buy it.

 

A thought on torture from Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo. He recently shared: Sometimes, while watching TV, I think I could endure torture, but then my cat crawls up my leg while I have shorts on and I’m all “I DID IT! IT WAS ME! I SURRENDEEEEEER!!!

 

Another behind the scenes story from Matt Maher. He recently shared that his song “Future Not My Own,” is based on a prayer inspired by martyr Archbishop Oscar Romero. The song is from Matt’s latest CD Saints and Sinners. He said: This prayer really brings to light that we’re announcing a kingdom that’s here, that’s coming, and that’s being built, that we won’t see the finish of. That’s a huge aspect of being a part of the Church, the body of Christ.

 

Sanctus Real frontman Matt Hammitt says he and his wife have found a solution to the over/under issue when dealing with toilet paper. He said it’s not a problem for them because they just don’t hang it at all.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Report of plane crash actually monster truck’s bath time    photo
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. (AP) — Ambulances, law enforcement officers and several emergency responders rushed to a property in southwest Missouri upon receiving a report of a possible plane crash. Instead, they found a man washing his jet-powered semi — named “Shockwave” — on Monday…

 

Missing 50-pound pet tortoise is found alive and well
PLAINFIELD TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Frank, a 50-pound pet tortoise, has been found in western Michigan after a two-day search. Owner Bradley Clark tells The Grand Rapids Press that he got a call from someone who said the tortoise was munching on flowers Tuesday, 7 miles from home in Kent…
Colorado sees 1st camp resort for pot users
DURANGO, Colo. (AP) — Colorado is full of all-inclusive ranch resorts where guests hike, fish, play horseshoes and roast marshmallows. This one has a new offering — smoking pot. The 170-acre CannaCamp opening July 1 in Durango in southwest Colorado calls itself the nation’s first…
Truck carrying 2,200 piglets overturns, killing about half    photo
XENIA, Ohio (AP) — Authorities estimate up to 1,100 piglets may have died when a semitrailer carrying 2,200 piglets overturned on an Ohio highway. Agencies and volunteers worked to corral the animals after the crash Monday night on U.S. Route 35 in Xenia Township, near Dayton. Crews picked up…
Bull yak flees at sight of bear, leaving behind cows, calves
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — When a curious brown bear showed up at an Anchorage area farm, the cows in a small yak herd there defiantly surrounded the calves. But not the lone bull, Stormy: he sprinted away. HASH(0x14284a0) Angie Johnson owns the 25-acre farm with her husband and describes the…
New York man says fortuneteller scammed him out $700K
NEW YORK (AP) — A New York man who sought help from a fortuneteller to fix a romantic relationship says she scammed him out of more than $700,000. Now the allegations have the Manhattan psychic, Priscilla Delmaro, and another person facing charges of grand larceny. HASH(0x13dade0) In a…
Man sentenced for robbing same shoe store 15 years later
TOMS RIVER, N.J. (AP) — A man who served time for robbing a shoe store is now headed back to prison for another robbery at the same New Jersey store — as the same clerk was behind the counter. Christopher Miller was sentenced Friday to 16 years in prison. The 41-year-old Bridgeton man…
Maine country inn going to winner of essay contest    photo
LOVELL, Maine (AP) — A woman who ran a Maine country inn for more than two decades can retire now that she’s found a new owner through an essay contest. Janice Sage from the Center Lovell Inn & Restaurant announced Saturday that a winner had been picked from among hundreds of 200-word essays…
Does free ping pong in Seattle parks stop crime?
SEATTLE (AP) — The city of Seattle is wondering if free ping pong in its parks may help stop crime. HASH(0x13e43c0) A ping pong table was installed at Hing Hay Park in Chinatown four years ago. Since then, crime data from the Seattle Police Department suggests incidents in the area seem to be…
Cuteness alert! World’s smallest deer species born at NY zoo    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A tiny deer is generating a giant dose of cuteness in New York City. The Wildlife Conservation Society sent out a baby announcement Monday. It’s a boy! The southern pudu (POO’-doo) fawn — the world’s smallest deer species — was born May 12 at the Queens Zoo. The…
Police: Man baked potato, raked leaves during break-in
HOBBS, N.M. (AP) — A New Mexico man is facing charges after police say he walked into an unlocked home, stole car keys and stunned a resident who found him baking a potato and raking leaves. Patrick Lynn Waits, 45, was arrested early Tuesday following a bizarre chain of events that confused…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

5 things about trans fats and the FDA’s proposed phase out    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — There are a lot fewer trans fats in the nation’s food than there were a decade ago, but the Obama administration is moving toward getting rid of them almost entirely. The Food and Drug Administration says Americans still eat about a gram of trans fat every day, and phasing…

 

GOP ready to attack Obama health law as HHS chief testifies    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell is ready to defend President Barack Obama’s health care law before congressional Republicans who consider it a failure and who hope the Supreme Court will void one of its cornerstones — federal subsidies that help…
Woman gives birth after transplant of ovarian tissue    photo
LONDON (AP) — A woman who had ovarian tissue removed and frozen during childhood has given birth to a baby after the tissue was successfully transplanted back into her, enabling her to get pregnant. The woman, now 27, was only 13 when doctors stored some of her tissue because she was about to…
Cervical cancer vaccine might work after just 1 shot, not 3    photo
LONDON (AP) — Protecting girls from cervical cancer might be possible with just one dose of the HPV vaccine rather than the three now recommended, a new analysis suggests. The authors of the study acknowledged it isn’t convincing enough to change vaccination strategies immediately. But if…
San Francisco moves to put warnings on ads for sugary drinks    photo
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Saying sugary sodas and some other drinks contribute to health problems, San Francisco supervisors voted unanimously to approve health warnings on ads for such beverages. The soda industry in said it might sue to block the ordinance, while supporters said they will seek…
FDA panel backs first-in-class cholesterol drug
GAITHERSBURG, Md. (AP) — Federal health advisers on Tuesday recommended approval for a highly anticipated cholesterol drug from Sanofi and Regeneron Pharmaceuticals, but with the caveat that more data is needed about its long-term ability to reduce heart attacks. The expert panel recommended…
NYC Health Department proposes high-sodium warning on menus    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City’s Health Department wants all chain restaurants to warn customers about products that are high in salt. The department is proposing at a meeting of the Board of Health on Wednesday that all chain restaurants add a salt-shaker-like symbol on menus next to products…
WHO recommends reopening S. Korean schools closed over MERS    photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — Experts from the World Health Organization and South Korea on Wednesday urged the reopening of more than 2,700 schools closed over fears of the deadly MERS virus. South Korean officials this week said the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome outbreak may have peaked but…
Obama: Health law is now ‘reality,’ despite what critics say    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Barack Obama on Tuesday declared his health care law a firmly established “reality” of American life even as the legality of one of its key elements awaits a decision by the Supreme Court. “This is now part of the fabric of how we care for one another,” Obama said…
California lawmakers pass vaccine bill amid emotional debate    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California lawmakers on Tuesday approved a hotly contested bill that would impose one of the strictest vaccination laws in the country, after five hours of highly emotional testimony that brought hundreds of opponents to the Capitol. SB277 is intended to boost…
South Korea says its deadly MERS outbreak may have peaked    photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — South Korea believes its MERS virus outbreak may have peaked, and experts say the next several days will be critical to determining whether the government’s belated efforts have successfully stymied a disease that has killed nine people and infected more than 100 in…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Tinder users are fibbers. They’re not necessarily lying, but according to a new study of user demographics, it appears a large chunk of them aren’t being entirely forthright with their intentions. Research (by GlobalWebIndex) found that 42 percent of people using Tinder are already in relationships — and many of them are men.  *** And this comes as a surprise to… absolutely no one.

 

The Secret Service evacuated White House briefing room for about 30 minutes on Tuesday because of a bomb threat phoned in to Washington police. *** Turns out there was no bomb – just yet another brilliant idea from the Oval Office on how to negotiate with Iran.

 

You’re about to head out the door for the neighborhood barbecue. And of course you men will be wearing a pair of fashionable, cool and comfy sandals, right? Maybe you shouldn’t. 58% of women say guys shouldn’t wear sandals, citing long toe nails and lots of hair as turnoffs.  *** Which is exactly why, when I wear sandals, I put on black socks first!  It’s all about the ladies.

 

Due to the California drought, Governor Jerry Brown has cut back on bathing.  *** So he’s not only named Brown, but that’s his skin color now too.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Most Americans think they can swim just fine, but a recent survey reveals that 44% don’t know basic water-safety skills. Only 56 percent of Americans can perform the five core swimming skills, a recent survey conducted on behalf of the American Red Cross said.  The steps, also known as “water competency,” include jumping or stepping into water over one’s head, returning to the surface to tread water or float for one minute, circling around and identifying an exit, swimming 25 yards to that point and then exiting the water.  ***MARLAR: I did all of that the last time the rain flooded my basement.

 

Here is your “End of the World Update”.  The Director of National Intelligence released a report called “Global Trends 2030: Alternative Worlds” that looks at the world of the future… and it ain’t pretty. The U.S. is no longer the unquestionably dominant global player; individuals and small groups may carry out devastating cyber or bioterror attacks; oh, and food and water may be running short.  ***MARLAR: Other than that though, things are fine.

 

Now, that’s fast! Scientists have provided a sneak peek at what is being called the world’s fastest supercomputer. It costs 100 million dollars — and can perform 1,000 trillion calculations per second. ***MARLAR: Meaning you’ll now receive unwanted email even faster than before.

 

A French technology company has created a device called “The Persuasive Mirror” that shows what you’ll look like in the future if you continue your current diet and exercise habits.  ***MARLAR: For some of us they’d have to come out with a wide screen version.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Self-Help Groups”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Brad Stine, “Holidays”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, was depressed because she didn’t know how to do her accelerated math homework. Fortunately, Uncle Racquet was there to help… well, sort of. Actually Racquet ended up doing all of Rita’s homework FOR her. The next afternoon, Gruffy Bear again dropped off Rita after school…

 

CLOSE: Oh yeah, like you didn’t see THAT one coming… right? That’s twice now that Racquet has done Rita’s homework for her. Hopefully he’ll realize that what’s happening soon… at least before they get to long division! Tune in next time as our story continues, on As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 13/14, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were completely exhausted from trying to keep up with their own schedules. They didn’t have time for all of their chores, didn’t have time for friends, meetings, even quick conversations! After collapsing from the stress, a group of very peaceful turtles wandered by…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Sometimes a Moment of Duh doesn’t have to center around a human being… sometimes it’s an animal that commits the act!

When Jonah Castle, a 74-year-old farmer in Cottageville, West Virginia, found a dead snake next to his hen house with a bulge in its belly, he naturally wanted to know what the snake had eaten that caused it to die. After making a small incision with a knife, Castle was shocked to see a dimpled object with the words “Top-Flite,” but he knew what had happened. To encourage some of his chickens to lay eggs, Castle places a golf ball on their nests. For some reason, this motivates the hens. Castle figures the snake slithered into his hen house in search of a meal and at the ball by mistake.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN BUMPER SNICKERS

 

  1. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

 

  1. I just love nonverbal communication!

 

  1. You can’t be late until you show up.

 

  1. If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.6. Why be normal?

    5. Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..

    4. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

    3. If it is a man made world, why can’t we remake it?

    2. Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.

    1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

What do you do if you rob a bank and get one of those exploding dye packs with your cash?

 

FILE #1: Darrell Warner held up a bank and got away with a bag of cash. Sadly for him the bag contained one of those exploding dye packets which blew up and stained all the money red. Not willing to give up that easily, Darrell took the money home and soaked it in a big tub of bleach. He then tried to pass one of the wet, smelly, bleached out bills by using it to pay for cab fare. The suspicious cabbie called the cops and gave them directions to Mr. Warner’s house. They stopped by and arrested him.

 

FILE #2: Lance Shafer was wanted by the cops on a parole violation but was minding his own business when he was assaulted and robbed at the local Holiday Inn. He called the cops and gave them a complete report except for one minor detail. Since he was on the run and didn’t want to run the risk of being identified, he claimed to be his brother Luke. And he had his story down, too, even having his brother’s social security number memorized. The cops would have never been any the wiser except when Lance called the station house to see how the investigation was going he said to the detective, “Hi, this is Lance…uh, I mean Luke.” The officer did some checking and Lance was arrested.

 

FILE #3: Not all criminals geniuses live in our country. This guy is from Australia, and he would be much better off if he’d just quit smoking. A man walked into a supermarket to buy a pack of cigarettes but discovered he was a dollar short. So, he walked next door to a video store and, brandishing a broken bottle, demanded the clerk give him a dollar, which he did. The robber then walked next door and paid for his cigarettes. Apparently, he didn’t think the video store clerk would turn him in to the cops for the theft of just one dollar. He was wrong. The police arrested him as he was walking down the street enjoying his smoke.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Oregon dishes must drip dry.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you’re on drugs, you can drive a car with no hands! 

Police in Dunn, North Carolina, were chasing a car thief and were surprised when he put both his hands up, but continued driving very slowly with his knees on the wheel. Turned out he’d realized he was going to get caught, so he was trying to extend the chase a bit longer so he could light up his pipe and finish smoking some crack. He finally pulled into a parking lot and tried to finish smoking his crack even after he stopped.  ***MARLAR: This seems like a really good idea, but only when you’re smoking crack.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Which year of your life would you like to do over? Why?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who sang in front of a golden calf?
ANSWER: The Israelites (Exodus 32:4, 6, 18)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How quickly (or slowly) does Heinz catsup leave its bottle?

ANSWER: The speed at which Heinz catsup travels as it leaves the bottle is a blistering 25 miles per year.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. In the movie, “True Lies,” a reference is made to an Arnold Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. (False, the movie “Demolition Man”)

 

  1. Bill Crystal paid $239,000 for a Mickey Mantle baseball glove. (True)

 

  1. The TV remote control was the inspiration behind the first roll-on deodorant. (False, the Ballpoint Pen was the inspiration)

 

  1. When it comes to Internet shorthand, the meaning of the acronym WIIFM is “What’s in it for me.” (True)

 

  1. Ecuador and Chile are the only two South American countries that don’t share a border with Brazil. (True)

 

  1. A cat’s haw is it’s bite. (False, its third eyelid)

 

  1. The French cheese that was named in honor of the first US space satellite was Genie Cheese. (False, Explorateur – named for the Explorer 1 satellite)

 

  1. There are three names of the grandchildren mentioned in the hit Beatles song ” When I’m Sixty Four.” (True: Vera, Chuck and Dave)

 

  1. Illegible handwriting is known as “griffonage.” (True)

 

  1. It’s against the law to stare at the mayor of Paris. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

PRESIDENT OBAMA GETS A ________ (TATTOO)

President Obama got a tattoo this week.  His tattoo is a picture of his own face.

He and his wife Michelle  told their two daughters that if they opt for a tattoo they will always get one.

“What we’ve said to the girls is, ‘If you guys ever decided you’re going to get a tattoo, then mummy and me will get the exact same tattoo in the same place. And we’ll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo,’”  President Obama told NBC.

“And our thinking is that might dissuade them from thinking that somehow that’s a good way to rebel.”

But the girls, who are as independent, and strong-willed as their parents, both told their parents that they are definitely going to get tattoos.

SO… President Obama had the White House Tattoo Artist (yes, there is one on staff) put a tattoo on his arm, chest, and stomach.  The three tattoos are all of Obama’s face.

The President actually enjoyed getting the tattoos and was very happy with the his selections.  ”Who else would I put on my body.  I think having a picture of myself on my body, in three places, makes a lot of sense,” The President reportedly said.

President Obama is recommending that all Americans get tattoos (and tattoos of himself) on their bodies.

“I think it sends a good message to the children, if their parents tattoo the President of the United States on their body.  It’s very patriotic.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go…what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

 

JOKE #2

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!” The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. ” Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

 

JOKE #3

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am”.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said…

“It is 5:00 am, wake up!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Even though local hunters claim they’ve never done such a thing, a new law in Vienna bans anglers from casting their lines out of moving airplanes or other vehicles. Also, it’s now against the law to hunt deer by blowing them up with explosives. ***MARLAR: Well, crud; I guess I have to find a new place to spend my vacation.

 

In New York, a driver for a heating oil company read the bill wrong and mistakenly pumped at least 50 gallons of oil into basement of the home of a family that had switched to natural gas 35 years ago. The company offered to clean up the mess free of charge. ***MARLAR: Forget that – with today’s gas prices I’d be looking to resell it OPEC.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

SENIOR MOMENTS
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs “was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells “was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She knocks on the wooden table.  She then yells “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

After a legal battle, a Swedish couple have won the right to name their baby son … Lego!

Couples in Sweden have previously run into trouble with officials over the names Ikea, Veranda, Metallica and the use of Elvis for a girl. But the Swedish Administrative Court of Appeals has now overruled an earlier decision to stop a couple naming their child after the brightly colored plastic building blocks. ***MARLAR: The next plan to have a daughter and name her EGGO, for great breakfast fun.  “Lego my Eggo!”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF OTHERS?
In our relationships with others, often what passes for love is little more than a neat business transaction. People are kind to us, so we repay them with equal consideration. When they treat us unjustly, our negative response is really what they asked for. Everything is so balanced, so fair, so logical with this eye-for-an- eye and tooth-for-a-tooth kind of justice. But Christian love never settles for only what’s reasonable. It insists on giving mercy as well as justice. It breaks the chain of logical reactions. General Robert E. Lee was asked what he thought of a fellow officer in the Confederate Army who had made some derogatory remarks about him. Lee rated him as being very satisfactory. The person who asked the question seemed perplexed.

“General,” he said, “I guess you don’t know what he’s been saying about you.”

“I know,” answered Lee. “But I was asked my opinion of him, not his opinion of me!”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TRIUMPHANT DEFEATS
This was now the third time Jesus appeared to His disciples after He was raised from the dead. – (John 21:14)
William Wallace was a Scotsman who sought freedom from a tyrannical king of England in the 1200s. He initially took up this cause in retaliation for his own personal family losses. His cause grew among the people, and it became an insurrection against England. Wallace entreated Robert the Bruce, the future king of Scotland. However, Bruce betrayed Wallace in return for lands from the king of England. Wallace was turned over to the king of England to be tortured to death for crimes against England. Bruce realized his betrayal against Wallace and his own country. This remorse led to real repentance and a return to his commitment to the people of Scotland. He finally took ownership of the mission to free Scotland from England. He led the people of Scotland into subsequent battles against England and freed them. Wallace’s defeat ultimately led to victory through Bruce. It took the lives of many, including Wallace, for victory to be accomplished. [James Mackay, William Wallace, Brave Heart (Edinburgh, Scotland: Mainstream Publishing, 1995).]
So often defeat is what is required before victory can be won. Jesus said that unless the seed dies and goes into the ground it cannot bring forth fruit (see Jn. 12:24). The death of a vision is often required before the fulfillment can really take place.

Have you failed at something in your life? Have you not seen the vision fulfilled you thought you were given? The vision may yet happen.
The disciples thought they suffered their greatest defeat when Jesus died on the cross. However, this defeat became the greatest victory on earth. Christ’s death gave liberty. Forgiveness came to all men. New life came forth-new strength for the disciples. Resurrection and new life came as a result of a “defeat.”
“There are triumphant defeats that rival victories” (Montaigne, French philosopher).

 

 

LEFTOVERS

FATHER’S DAY QUIZ

Father’s Day is coming. So to make sure you’re ready to go, it’s time to take the Father’s Day Quiz…

 

  1. Your father has an important role in your life, and that is:
  • providing the seed that brought you into this world;
  • not only being the main breadwinner in the house, but being a symbol of strength and character;
  • taking up space on the couch all weekend watching ESPN.

 

  1. Father’s Day is an opportunity for you to show your dad:
  • that you truly value his role in your upbringing;
  • that even though you may not openly show it, you love him;
  • that as long as the necktie section at Kmart isn’t sold out, you can get a Father’s Day gift in 5 minutes.

 

  1. While we celebrate Mother’s Day with breakfast in bed for Mom, we tend to begin our Father’s Day with:
  • the same thing — breakfast in bed;
  • taking Dad out for breakfast at (Denny’s);
  • getting him out of bed early so he can mow the lawn before he starts making excuses that it’s too hot to do any yard work.

 

  1. Father’s Day wouldn’t be a true holiday for Dad unless you:
  • tell him you love him and how special he is in your life;
  • take him somewhere nice for dinner;
  • let him take up space on the couch all day watching ESPN.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

This summer you may want to stay away from those shiny lip-glosses…

…some dermatologists say that they can actually increase your risk of developing skin cancer because the slick, shiny nature of the gloss could allow more of the sun’s rays to penetrate directly through the skin instead of getting reflected off of the skin’s surface. If it would become cancerous and left untreated, it can cause disfigurement, and in rare cases, spread to other organs and become deadly.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Scientists say methane gas is destroying our planet – but now they have a vaccine!

Scientists in New Zealand claim to have developed a vaccination to reduce methane emissions from gas-passing and belching sheep and cows. Phil Goff, New Zealand’s trade minister said, “Our agricultural research organization was able to map the genome that causes methane in ruminant animals and we believe we can vaccinate against flatulent emissions.” Sheep, cattle, goats and deer produce large quantities of gas through belching and flatulence, as their multiple stomachs digest grass. The 45 million sheep and 10 million cattle in New Zealand burped and passed gas accumulating about 90% of that country’s methane emissions, according to government figures.  ***MARLAR: And in answer to your question, no – there is not yet a version out for husbands. Looks like we’ll have to save the planet using BEAN-O.

 

 

FUN LIST

ELEVEN RULES KIDS NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL

From the book “Dumbing Down our Kids” by educator Charles Sykes, here’s a list of eleven rules kids did not learn in high school or college. (An email floating around the Internet credit’s this to Bill Gates, but that’s false!)

  • Rule 1. Life is not fair. Get used to it.
  • Rule 2. The world won’t care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
  • Rule 3. You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice president with a company car until you earn both.
  • Rule 4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
  • Rule 5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity.
  • Rule 6. If you mess up, it is not your parent’s fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.
  • Rule 7. Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are. So, before you try to save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
  • Rule 8. Your school may have done away with winners and losers, life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
  • Rule 9. Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summer off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. You can do that on your own time.
  • Rule 10. Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
  • Rule 11. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you will end up working for them one day.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How much peace and quiet do you get during your waking hours?  Not much!

The Internet. The TV. The BlackBerry. The iPod. The iPhone. We’re so busy with “media noise” that there is no time left for peace and quiet. According to a study from media researchers at Britain’s M-Lab, the average person gets only 63 minutes of peace and quiet each day. And that’s on a good day. One in three adults don’t even get an hour of rest from media noise while at home, and 22% get 30 minutes or less. About one-third of us wake up to the sound of a television or radio, and 71% listen to a TV, radio or use their computer just before going to sleep at night. The typical adult consumes more than 50 hours of media a week. ***MARLAR: I’m way above that.  Hey – waddaya know, I’m above average!  First time for everything! (Gee… where do we fit God in that busy schedule. Hmm…)

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

Grilling this summer?  The Food Network Kitchen is out with a list of their 5 grilling mishaps, and how to avoid them. Topics include getting it lit, avoiding stuck on food, uneven cooking, and stopping flare-ups. Read all the tips and perfect your summer grilling…

https://www.yahoo.com/food/grilling-fails-and-how-to-avoid-them-120044312606.html

 

An Illinois couple this year welcomed their 100th grandchild. According to ABC News, Leo and Ruth Zanger of Quincy have 53 grandchildren, 46 great-grandchildren and one great-great-grandchild. The Zangers have been married 59 years and have 12 children. The youngest, 31-year-old Joe, was already an uncle 10 times when he was born. Most of the family lives in the Quincy area. When they get together they rent a church hall and it takes 50 pounds of ham or ten turkeys to feed everyone.

http://abcn.ws/1FDjFu6

 

Gentry Eddings told an 800-strong congregation at their funeral that he and his wife have forgiven the driver responsible for the death of his two young children. According to Christiantoday.com, a truck driven by Matthew Deans ploughed into the back of the car driven by Gentry’s wife Hadley. Their two-year-old son Dobbs was killed and Hadley, who was eight months pregnant, was injured. The baby, Reed, was delivered by emergency Caesarian section but died two days later. Eddings, a worship pastor at Forest Hill Church in Charlotte, North Carolina, said: “We have, in our hearts, forgiven the man who did this. It was not the easiest thing to do, but in some ways it was because we know – Hadley and I – that Jesus Christ has forgiven us our debt… So in some ways, it was very easy to forgive a man who made an accident.”

http://bit.ly/1RGTnfN

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

That’s it for me, troops. Until tomorrow, this is (JOCK) saying so long, and remember — a rolling belly button gathers no lint.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 05, 2015…

 

Entourage—Yes, they finally made a movie from the TV series and the gang is back including Adrian Grenier, Jeremy Piven (now in “Mr. Selfridge”), Kevin Connally, Jerry Ferrera and Kevin Dillon. In this plot, Piven heads a movie studio and wants Adrian to star in a film, but Adrian wants to star AND direct.  And away we go. “Entourage” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Insidious Chapter 3—The haunting continues and a teenage girl (of course) is haunted by something from the beyond. The cast includes Dermot Mulroney, Stefanie Scott, Michael Reid MacKay and Lin Shaye. “Insidious: Chapter 3” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Spy—Melissa McCarthy is on the right side of the law this time. She is a government analyst and at the bottom of her social life, when she is picked to find important information about a nuclear contraption gone missing. The other agents are doing other things, so can Melissa complete the task at hand? What do you think?  Guess who is in the cast…Jason Statham and Jude Law. “Spy” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the cast.

 

Testament of Youth (opening in select cities)—The script is adapted from a book by Vera Brittain about her experiences during WWI. Love and war don’t always go together. The cast includes Kit Harington (“Game of Thrones” and Alicia Vikander (“Ex Machina.”) “Testament of Youth” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Love & Mercy—This is a biopic-film about members of The Beach Boys, and stars Paul Dano as Brian Wilson and John Cusack as Brian in later years. You figure that one out, the director is Bill Pohlad. The film shows the problems Wilson has in his early years and how a girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks) tries to help him in later years. “Love & Mercy” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

 

JUNE 12, 2015…

 

Jurassic World takes us ahead a few years and the park is now a functioning wonderland…or is it? Stars Chris Pratt.

 

Madame Bovary is another adaptation of the famous novel and this time stars Mia Wasikowska.

 

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl stars Thomas Mann in a film about serious illness.

 

The Wolfpack is a documentary about brothers who are home-schooled and never leave the house.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.