June 11, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180611
PDF: 20180611

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today must be payday… the boss just called in sick.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“He shows all the backbone of a chocolate eclair.” – Theodore Roosevelt, on predecessor William McKinley

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” — Proverbs 28:13

Jesus said, “Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. — Matthew 7:13-14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

We constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. — 2 Thessalonians 1:11

Thought: Paul prays for God to be active in the lives of these new Christians — to maximize the good they intend to do as well as fully bless every good deed they do out of their commitment of faith. What new Christian do you need to pray this for?

Prayer: Strong and mighty Father, please bless several new Christians who are on my heart today. Help them recognize your presence in their lives. Please maximize the good in every effort they make and every intention they have to honor you and bless your people. Protect them from the evil one. In Jesus’ name I ask this blessing. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 6:11 NIV = Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 11, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
196 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY. ***It has nothing to do with Germany though – it was invented back in 1852 by a guy named Sam German.

Today is NATIONAL FEED THE DUCKS DAY. ***Pigeons don’t count.

Today is RACE UNITY DAY. ***You can either get together today with someone of a different skin color, or you can challenge a Unitarian to a foot race.

Today is NATIONAL HUG DAY. Some call it Hug Holiday, a day to give hugs to those who need them. Some celebrate it June 29th, others celebrate it today. ***Still others celebrate it on both June 11th and June 29th because they’re really clingy.

Today is AMERICAN IDOL DAY. The TV show debuted on Fox on this date in 2002. ***No other show has done so much towards introducing America to really mediocre talent.

Today is INTERNATIONAL TOWN CRIERS DAY.  ***Some things you do NOT want to hear from your town crier…

  • The Scientologists are coming!  The Scientologists are coming!

  • Abandon hope, all ye who enter the bathroom at the State Street Road Ranger!

  • Halt!  Do not proceed in your ill-fitting spandex!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Corn on the Cob Day
National Cotton Candy Day
National Making Life Beautiful Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, JUNE 12

Call Your Doctor Day
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
Loving Day
National Jerky Day
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
Superman Day
Victims of Orlando, Florida Attack Day
World Day Against Child Labor
World Pet Memorial Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13

Brain Injury Awareness Day
International Albinism Awareness Day
Random Acts of Light
Roller Coaster Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 14

Army’s Birthday
Family History Day
Flag Day
International Bath Day
National Bourbon Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
(World) Blood Donor Day
National Nursing Assistants Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
Nature Photography Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
National Flip Flop Day
Prune Day
Work@Home Father’s Day

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Worldwide Day of Giving

SATURDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday
Fudge Day
Ladies’ Day (Baseball)
Mermaid Day
Polar Bear Swim
World Juggling Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 17

Dollars Against Diabetes Day
Eat Your Vegetables Day
Family Awareness Day
Father’s Day
Husband Caregiver Day
National Garbage Man Day
Stewarts Root Beer Day
Turkey Lovers Day
World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought
World Tesselation Day

MONDAY, JUNE 18

Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday (Superman)
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
Sustainable Gasteronomy Day

ON THIS DAY

1955: In auto racing’s worst moment, Pierre Levegh’s Mercedes flew into the crowd and exploded at the Le Mans Grand Prix. Including Levegh, 82 died and 100 others were injured.

1972: Hank Aaron tied the National League record for 14 grand-slam home runs in a career.

1976: Wild Cherry released “Play That Funky Music.”

1979: Actor John Wayne died at age 72 after a 15-year battle with cancer.

1981: In a dispute over free-agent compensation, players called the first mid-season strike in pro baseball history. It ended June 30 after 706 games were cancelled.

1982: Director Steven Spielberg introduced his classic science-fiction film, “E.T., The Extra-Terrestrial.” (audio clip)

1990: Nolan Ryan of the Texas Rangers pitched his 6th career no-hitter.

1990: The United Nations appointed a new environmental ambassador: singer Olivia Newton-John. ***Because when you think of being green and saving the planet, you immediately think of Sandra Dee in leather smoking a cigarette.

1992: Major-league baseball approved the purchase of the Seattle Mariners by a Japanese group headed by the president of Nintendo.

1993: Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park premiered. (audio clip)

1996: Garth Brooks set a country music Fan Fair record by signing autographs in Nashville for 23 hours straight.

1998: Amazon.com expanded its product line from books only to add compact discs.

2001: A pet shop owner in Hoogeveen, Netherlands, installed a vending machine to sell live maggots. The crawling creatures quickly became popular bait with local fishermen.

2002: Rock star Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were married in a remote Irish castle.

2002: “American Idol” premiered on the Fox Network. The talent show was based on a similar British program. ***So what did horrible singers do before there was “American Idol?” They rented the apartment below mine. (audio clip)

2004: The nation said goodbye to former President Ronald Reagan at a televised funeral service in Washington, D.C., followed hours later by a hilltop burial ceremony in California.

2005: The world’s richest countries agreed to a debt relief deal for the poorest nations, writing off $40 billion in debt.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1294: Death of Roger Bacon, a Franciscan monk and one of the most original thinkers of the Middle Ages. He predicted aircraft, submarines, suspension bridges, engines, and more.

1525: Luther marries Katherina von Bora, a nun who escaped from her convent in a fish barrel.

1782: William Black, the first Canadian Methodist clergyman, preaches his debut sermons.

1799: The man who would become the first Afro-American Methodist bishop in the US, Richard Allen, is ordained a deacon in the Methodist Episcopal church.

1850: David C. Cook, a pioneer publisher of Sunday School materials, is born in East Worcester, New York. By his death in 1927, his company was the largest publisher of nondenominational Sunday school literature in the world.

1923: Mildred Cable and the Chinese Trio leave Hwo Chow to set out for Central Asia, uncertain what and where the Lord is calling them. Years later they will have preached the gospel to hundreds of cities and villages in the Gobi desert.

1936: The Presbyterian Church of North America is founded in Philadelphia led by J. Gresham Machen and others who believe that the United Presbyterian church has become too liberal.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Dawson’s Creek”, “Fringe”) Joshua Jackson 40 (audio clip)

  • actor (“House”) Hugh Laurie 59 (audio clip)

  • quarterback Joe Montana 62

  • actress (Escape From New York, Swamp Thing, The Fog, “The Drew Carey Show”) Adrienne Barbeau 73 (audio clip)

  • according to the film, “E.T.”, our extra-terrestrial friend today is 836 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1864 : Richard Strauss

1934 : James “Pookie” Hudson (The Spaniels)

1936 : Jud Strunk

1939 : Wilma Burgess

1940 : Joey Dee (Joey Dee and the Starliters)

1946 : John Lawton (Uriah Heep)

1947 : Glenn Leonard (The Temptations)

1947 : Richard Palmer-James (Supertramp, King Crimson)

1948 : Skip Skipper (Pretty Things, Them)

1949 : Frank Beard (ZZ Top)

1952 : Donnie Van Zant (.38 Special, Van Zant)

1961 : Kim and Kelley Deal (The Breeders)

1961 : Robert Birch (Stereo MC’s)

1965 : Joey Santiago (Pixies)

1969 : Dan Lavery (Tonic)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Can you be bored to death… literally?

A new university study reveals you can actually be bored to death. Dr. Pers Lundgrem of the Norwegian Heart Institute in Oslo says, “prolonged boredom cause the body to release low levels of adrenaline, the same hormone which is produced when war are frightened or angry.” This can cause blood pressure and heart rate to sky rocket. Normally when we get an adrenaline rush we are able to expend it through fight or flight. But when the cause is boredom, there is not such pressure release and the levels increase until they reach lethal proportions. The good news is you can keep listening to my show and not have to worry about it!

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

To get good grades in school you work hard, study hard and pay attention in class. Or if you attend LINC High School in Philadelphia, you can just bribe the teacher. It seems humanities teacher Amanda Richardson has been removed from class after she was accused of taking bribes from students in exchange for better grades.  ***Get with it, kids!  You don’t bribe the teacher for better grades… you hack into the school computer and do it yourself!

Officials in Nevada are considering banning baseball bats, slingshots and other items that can be used as weapons at protests.  ***Well heck; anything can be used as a weapon.  While you’re at it you might as well also ban wet towels, wooden yardsticks, and nail clippers.  And people can often be hurtful with their words too, so you’d better ban talking as well.

Half of American households have ditched land-line phones.  ***Only half?

Jerry Maren, the last living Munchkin that welcomed Dorothy to Munchkin Land in the 1939 film, has died at age 98. He was the one who handed Dorothy the lollipop after they sang, “We represent the Lollipop Guild.” (The one in the middle.)  ***Family is planning a small memorial service for him.

New Orleans police are looking for two people accused of stealing a television from a pawn shop — and immediately pawning it back to the same shop. The male and female thieves have been identified and are being sought. In video, the woman can be seen taking the TV from the shelf and removing the price tag. She then took it to the front counter. The man, using his own identification, then pawned the TV for $175. ***Part of me is impressed someone would even try this – and even more impressed they weren’t called on it the instant they stepped up to the counter with the TV.

Canada is getting closer to legalizing marijuana. ***They’re not mellow enough already? (Bob and Doug McKenzie will have more options now! Take off, eh!)

Airline ticket prices are going up due to recent fuel price increases.  ***And because of the constant clean-up required from you pansies who have to fly with emotional support animals.

Alice Marie Johnson had her life sentence commuted on Wednesday by President Trump after spending 22 years behind bars. It’s what Kim Kardashian West had requested during her meeting with the president last week.  ***Who knew a Kardashian could be that influential when it comes to politics?  Hey, Kim – can you go back and ask Trump to also mandate that airline seats be widened by 6 inches?  I’d really appreciate that.

It’s one of the places I would go to get headlines, but Facebook says they will soon replace the “Trending” feature to “make way for future news experiences.”  ***That’s crazy!  They can post about news stories of the future?!?!

Over in Brisbane, Australia, one resident was sick and tired of an extremely rude jogger who apparently was in the habit of pooping on the jogging trail in the wee morning hours, about 30 times a year! So the fed-up resident waited in the dark and then got what he came for – a photo of the alleged culprit in the act – with his pants down and a wad of toilet paper in his hand. Yes that image quickly went online and went viral – an image of 64-year-old Andrew Macintosh. Too bad he refused to use the toilet, because now his life is going down one. Macintosh has been charged with public nuisance by police, and he also lost his job as an executive for retirement village operator Aveo. In a statement, Aveo says it was “distressed and disappointed at the alleged incidents concerning Mr. Macintosh,” who has “tendered his resignation.” And it turns out Macintosh is also a member of a Brisbane City Council advisory board, though there’s no word yet if he’ll keep that board seat.  ***How hilarious would it be if he campaigned for city council with the slogan, “I’m going to clean up this city!”

Tesla has released a teaser picture of the Model Y, a Tesla SUV.  ***Isn’t it fun window shopping for stuff you can’t afford!

Scientists are now saying that it’s best to talk to dogs in a “baby voice.” ***Exactly why I’ve named my Doberman Pincher, “Goo Goo Ga Ga”.

Val Kilmer will reportedly be back as Iceman in the “Top Gun” sequel.  ***Have you seen Val Kilmer lately? How are they going to fit him back in the cockpit?

KFC has created a veggie version of its fried chicken in the UK.  ***Well then, that’s not really fried chicken.  You can’t call deep-fried tofu “chicken” – it doesn’t work that way.   That’s like saying “Gilligan’s Island” was a documentary.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Philadelphia’s University of the Sciences discovered that ingesting 4 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil a day provides pain relief similar to taking Ibuprofen. ***Especially if it’s administered in a big plate of lasagna.

A recent study shows that square dancing can add ten years to your life. Researchers say it combines all the positive aspects of intense physical activity with none of the negatives. It’s a low impact activity that requires constant movement, and all the direction changes keep the body well toned. ***This is like choosing the lesser of two evils. Sure you get ten extra years to your life by square dancing, but you’re square dancing.

A store in Scottsdale, Arizona is offering a camera angled in such a way that women can see what their backsides look like in those jeans. ***So can you please stop asking us “do these jeans make my butt look big?” You can find out for yourself now.

Giving Gatorade the slip! Everything you need during a hardcore workout is in a simple banana. Researchers tested bananas vs. Gatorade and discovered that bananas deliver the same performance as sports drinks, and offered up a healthier blend of sugars. ***So after your next big win, dump a big bucket of bananas over your coach’s head instead.

Japan is trying to stop their “death by overworking” problem by placing a limit of 100-hours of overtime per month. ***Which, if you work in radio, you know is still considered a normal monthly workload.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was angry because every time he tried to do something amazing, like compose music, for example, Steve Mozart always beat him to it. Millard felt haunted by the very presence of Mozart, and is now determined to find something he can do better than Mozart!

CLOSE: You have to give Millard credit, he truly is working hard to find a way to one-up that genius, Steve Mozart! Will he ever find a way to be better than him? Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Sometimes a Moment of Duh doesn’t have to center around a human being… sometimes it’s an animal that commits the act!

When Jonah Castle, a 74-year-old farmer in Cottageville, West Virginia, found a dead snake next to his hen house with a bulge in its belly, he naturally wanted to know what the snake had eaten that caused it to die. After making a small incision with a knife, Castle was shocked to see a dimpled object with the words “Top-Flite,” but he knew what had happened. To encourage some of his chickens to lay eggs, Castle places a golf ball on their nests. For some reason, this motivates the hens. Castle figures the snake slithered into his hen house in search of a meal and at the ball by mistake.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN BUMPER SNICKERS

10. They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.

9. I just love nonverbal communication!

8. You can’t be late until you show up.

7. If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.

6. Why be normal?

5. Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..

4. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

3. If it is a man made world, why can’t we remake it?

2. Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.

1. Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

What do you do if you rob a bank and get one of those exploding dye packs with your cash?

FILE #1: Darrell Warner held up a bank and got away with a bag of cash. Sadly for him the bag contained one of those exploding dye packets which blew up and stained all the money red. Not willing to give up that easily, Darrell took the money home and soaked it in a big tub of bleach. He then tried to pass one of the wet, smelly, bleached out bills by using it to pay for cab fare. The suspicious cabbie called the cops and gave them directions to Mr. Warner’s house. They stopped by and arrested him.

FILE #2: Lance Shafer was wanted by the cops on a parole violation but was minding his own business when he was assaulted and robbed at the local Holiday Inn. He called the cops and gave them a complete report except for one minor detail. Since he was on the run and didn’t want to run the risk of being identified, he claimed to be his brother Luke. And he had his story down, too, even having his brother’s social security number memorized. The cops would have never been any the wiser except when Lance called the station house to see how the investigation was going he said to the detective, “Hi, this is Lance…uh, I mean Luke.” The officer did some checking and Lance was arrested.

FILE #3: Not all criminals geniuses live in our country. This guy is from Australia, and he would be much better off if he’d just quit smoking. A man walked into a supermarket to buy a pack of cigarettes but discovered he was a dollar short. So, he walked next door to a video store and, brandishing a broken bottle, demanded the clerk give him a dollar, which he did. The robber then walked next door and paid for his cigarettes. Apparently, he didn’t think the video store clerk would turn him in to the cops for the theft of just one dollar. He was wrong. The police arrested him as he was walking down the street enjoying his smoke.

STRANGE LAW: In Oregon dishes must drip dry.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

If you’re on drugs, you can drive a car with no hands! 

Police in Dunn, North Carolina, were chasing a car thief and were surprised when he put both his hands up, but continued driving very slowly with his knees on the wheel. Turned out he’d realized he was going to get caught, so he was trying to extend the chase a bit longer so he could light up his pipe and finish smoking some crack. He finally pulled into a parking lot and tried to finish smoking his crack even after he stopped.  ***MARLAR: This seems like a really good idea, but only when you’re smoking crack.

PHONER PHUN

Which year of your life would you like to do over? Why?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who sang in front of a golden calf?
ANSWER: The Israelites (Exodus 32:4, 6, 18)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How quickly (or slowly) does Heinz catsup leave its bottle?

ANSWER: The speed at which Heinz catsup travels as it leaves the bottle is a blistering 25 miles per year.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In the movie, “True Lies,” a reference is made to an Arnold Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. (False, the movie “Demolition Man”)

2. Bill Crystal paid $239,000 for a Mickey Mantle baseball glove. (True)

3. The TV remote control was the inspiration behind the first roll-on deodorant. (False, the Ballpoint Pen was the inspiration)

4. When it comes to Internet shorthand, the meaning of the acronym WIIFM is “What’s in it for me.” (True)

5. Ecuador and Chile are the only two South American countries that don’t share a border with Brazil. (True)

6. A cat’s haw is it’s bite. (False, its third eyelid)

7. The French cheese that was named in honor of the first US space satellite was Genie Cheese. (False, Explorateur – named for the Explorer 1 satellite)

8. There are three names of the grandchildren mentioned in the hit Beatles song ” When I’m Sixty Four.” (True: Vera, Chuck and Dave)

9. Illegible handwriting is known as “griffonage.” (True)

10. It’s against the law to stare at the mayor of Paris. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

FORMER PRESIDENT OBAMA GETS A ________ (TATTOO)

President Obama got a tattoo this week.  His tattoo is a picture of his own face.

He and his wife Michelle  told their two daughters that if they opt for a tattoo they will always get one.

“What we’ve said to the girls is, ‘If you guys ever decided you’re going to get a tattoo, then mummy and me will get the exact same tattoo in the same place. And we’ll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo,’”  President Obama told NBC.

“And our thinking is that might dissuade them from thinking that somehow that’s a good way to rebel.”

But the girls, who are as independent, and strong-willed as their parents, both told their parents that they are definitely going to get tattoos.

SO… President Obama had the tattoo artist put a tattoo on his arm, chest, and stomach.  The three tattoos are all of Obama’s face.

The former President actually enjoyed getting the tattoos and was very happy with the his selections.  ”Who else would I put on my body.  I think having a picture of myself on my body, in three places, makes a lot of sense,” Obama reportedly said.

Barack Obama is recommending that all Americans get tattoos (and tattoos of himself) on their bodies.

“I think it sends a good message to the children, if their parents tattoo the greatest President of the United States on their body.  It’s very patriotic.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go…what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

JOKE #2

The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!” The room got really quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. ” Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

JOKE #3

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am”.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said…

“It is 5:00 am, wake up!”

USELESS FACTS

Even though local hunters claim they’ve never done such a thing, a law in Vienna bans anglers from casting their lines out of moving airplanes or other vehicles. Also, it’s now against the law to hunt deer by blowing them up with explosives. ***Well, crud; I guess I have to find a new place to spend my vacation.

As a defense mechanism, the North American Opossum closes its eyes and becomes totally limp. Basically it plays dead. Hence the term, “playing possum”.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SENIOR MOMENTS
Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs “was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells “was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She knocks on the wooden table.  She then yells “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

After a legal battle, a Swedish couple have won the right to name their baby son … Lego!

Couples in Sweden have previously run into trouble with officials over the names Ikea, Veranda, Metallica and the use of Elvis for a girl. But the Swedish Administrative Court of Appeals has now overruled an earlier decision to stop a couple naming their child after the brightly colored plastic building blocks. ***MARLAR: The next plan to have a daughter and name her EGGO, for great breakfast fun.  “Lego my Eggo!”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WHAT IS YOUR OPINION OF OTHERS?
In our relationships with others, often what passes for love is little more than a neat business transaction. People are kind to us, so we repay them with equal consideration. When they treat us unjustly, our negative response is really what they asked for. Everything is so balanced, so fair, so logical with this eye-for-an- eye and tooth-for-a-tooth kind of justice. But Christian love never settles for only what’s reasonable. It insists on giving mercy as well as justice. It breaks the chain of logical reactions. General Robert E. Lee was asked what he thought of a fellow officer in the Confederate Army who had made some derogatory remarks about him. Lee rated him as being very satisfactory. The person who asked the question seemed perplexed.

“General,” he said, “I guess you don’t know what he’s been saying about you.”

“I know,” answered Lee. “But I was asked my opinion of him, not his opinion of me!”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TRIUMPHANT DEFEATS
This was now the third time Jesus appeared to His disciples after He was raised from the dead. – (John 21:14)
William Wallace was a Scotsman who sought freedom from a tyrannical king of England in the 1200s. He initially took up this cause in retaliation for his own personal family losses. His cause grew among the people, and it became an insurrection against England. Wallace entreated Robert the Bruce, the future king of Scotland. However, Bruce betrayed Wallace in return for lands from the king of England. Wallace was turned over to the king of England to be tortured to death for crimes against England. Bruce realized his betrayal against Wallace and his own country. This remorse led to real repentance and a return to his commitment to the people of Scotland. He finally took ownership of the mission to free Scotland from England. He led the people of Scotland into subsequent battles against England and freed them. Wallace’s defeat ultimately led to victory through Bruce. It took the lives of many, including Wallace, for victory to be accomplished. [James Mackay, William Wallace, Brave Heart (Edinburgh, Scotland: Mainstream Publishing, 1995).]
So often defeat is what is required before victory can be won. Jesus said that unless the seed dies and goes into the ground it cannot bring forth fruit (see Jn. 12:24). The death of a vision is often required before the fulfillment can really take place.

Have you failed at something in your life? Have you not seen the vision fulfilled you thought you were given? The vision may yet happen.
The disciples thought they suffered their greatest defeat when Jesus died on the cross. However, this defeat became the greatest victory on earth. Christ’s death gave liberty. Forgiveness came to all men. New life came forth-new strength for the disciples. Resurrection and new life came as a result of a “defeat.”
“There are triumphant defeats that rival victories” (Montaigne, French philosopher).

LEFTOVERS

FATHER’S DAY QUIZ

Father’s Day is coming. So to make sure you’re ready to go, it’s time to take the Father’s Day Quiz…

1. Your father has an important role in your life, and that is:

  • providing the seed that brought you into this world;

  • not only being the main breadwinner in the house, but being a symbol of strength and character;

  • taking up space on the couch all weekend watching ESPN.

2. Father’s Day is an opportunity for you to show your dad:

  • that you truly value his role in your upbringing;

  • that even though you may not openly show it, you love him;

  • that as long as the necktie section at Kmart isn’t sold out, you can get a Father’s Day gift in 5 minutes.

3. While we celebrate Mother’s Day with breakfast in bed for Mom, we tend to begin our Father’s Day with:

  • the same thing — breakfast in bed;

  • taking Dad out for breakfast at (Denny’s);

  • getting him out of bed early so he can mow the lawn before he starts making excuses that it’s too hot to do any yard work.

4. Father’s Day wouldn’t be a true holiday for Dad unless you:

  • tell him you love him and how special he is in your life;

  • take him somewhere nice for dinner;

  • let him take up space on the couch all day watching ESPN.

LIFE… LIVE IT

This summer you may want to stay away from those shiny lip-glosses…

…some dermatologists say that they can actually increase your risk of developing skin cancer because the slick, shiny nature of the gloss could allow more of the sun’s rays to penetrate directly through the skin instead of getting reflected off of the skin’s surface. If it would become cancerous and left untreated, it can cause disfigurement, and in rare cases, spread to other organs and become deadly.

JUST FOR FUN

Scientists say methane gas is destroying our planet – but now they have a vaccine!

Scientists in New Zealand claim to have developed a vaccination to reduce methane emissions from gas-passing and belching sheep and cows. Phil Goff, New Zealand’s trade minister said, “Our agricultural research organization was able to map the genome that causes methane in ruminant animals and we believe we can vaccinate against flatulent emissions.” Sheep, cattle, goats and deer produce large quantities of gas through belching and flatulence, as their multiple stomachs digest grass. The 45 million sheep and 10 million cattle in New Zealand burped and passed gas accumulating about 90% of that country’s methane emissions, according to government figures.  ***MARLAR: And in answer to your question, no – there is not yet a version out for husbands. Looks like we’ll have to save the planet using BEAN-O.

FUN LIST

ELEVEN LIFE RULES KIDS DON’T LEARN IN SCHOOL

From the book “Dumbing Down our Kids” by educator Charles Sykes, here’s a list of eleven rules kids did not learn in high school or college. (An email floating around the Internet credit’s this to Bill Gates, but that’s false!)

  • Rule 1. Life is not fair. Get used to it.

  • Rule 2. The world won’t care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

  • Rule 3. You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice president with a company car until you earn both.

  • Rule 4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.

  • Rule 5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity.

  • Rule 6. If you mess up, it is not your parent’s fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

  • Rule 7. Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are. So, before you try to save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

  • Rule 8. Your school may have done away with winners and losers, life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

  • Rule 9. Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summer off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. You can do that on your own time.

  • Rule 10. Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

  • Rule 11. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you will end up working for them one day.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

How much peace and quiet do you get during your waking hours?  Not much!

The Internet. The TV. The BlackBerry. The iPod. The iPhone. We’re so busy with “media noise” that there is no time left for peace and quiet. According to a study from media researchers at Britain’s M-Lab, the average person gets only 63 minutes of peace and quiet each day. And that’s on a good day. One in three adults don’t even get an hour of rest from media noise while at home, and 22% get 30 minutes or less. About one-third of us wake up to the sound of a television or radio, and 71% listen to a TV, radio or use their computer just before going to sleep at night. The typical adult consumes more than 50 hours of media a week. ***MARLAR: I’m way above that.  Hey – waddaya know, I’m above average!  First time for everything! (Gee… where do we fit God in that busy schedule. Hmm…)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Are you hoping to retire early – well you might want to rethink that, as it could endanger your life!  The ideal retirement age is 66 or older. Working past age 65 could lead to a longer life, while retiring early may be a risk factor for dying earlier, according to researchers from Oregon State University in Corvalis. Specifically, healthy adults who retired one year past age 65 had an 11 percent lower risk of death from all causes, even when taking into account demographic, lifestyle and health issues. Adults who described themselves as unhealthy were also likely to live longer if they kept working, the findings showed, which indicates that factors beyond health may affect post-retirement mortality.

The next time your lady claims women are the cleaner sex, shake her up with the results of a recent study. 85% of women polled confessed to donning dirty clothes, while 52% admitted to re-wearing underwear. And 43% of the ladies revealed they don’t brush their teeth every night while nearly a third reported they don’t bathe daily. Furthermore, at least 24% or 240 of the women surveyed by Glamour magazine revealed that they don’t wash their hands every time they use the toilet, a rude gaffe that medical experts decry as both icky and unhealthy because dirty hands spread bacteria and viruses. Finally, 320 women or 32% revealed how they regularly risk contracting foot disease by walking barefoot in gyms.

Ladies – have you thought about not wearing makeup?  Don’t decide to drop the rouge just yet.  It appears women who wear makeup are not only seen by others as more likeable, but also perceived as more attractive, competent and trustworthy. Led by Nancy Etcoff, a team of Harvard University researchers determined that makeup significantly alters how women and their character traits are perceived by others, both at first glance and over time. The team conducted two studies in which 100 photos of 25 women’s faces were judged without makeup and with three different applied makeup looks that included varying levels of luminous contrast, which is different levels of makeup shades from light to dark. The looks were informally classified as “natural,” “professional” and “glamorous.” When viewed for 250 milliseconds, all three makeup looks increased ratings of attractiveness, competence, likability and trust compared to the ratings of the same faces without makeup. ***No word on whether the same is true for men – I’m kinda hoping “no”.

When you are desperate to lose weight, it’s tempting to believe there is an easy way to do it. There isn’t. So don’t fall for one diet trick that has gone viral — and could be dangerous. It’s called the vinegar diet. In 2009, a medical study from Japan — that has since been debunked — concluded that drinking one or two teaspoons of apple cider vinegar before meals would help adults lose two to four pounds over a 12-week period with no other dietary or exercise changes. It just isn’t true. Dr. Domenica Rubino, who is head of the Washington Center for Weight Management and Research in Arlington, Virginia, told WTOP News in Washington, DC, that there is no scientific evidence to back up the claim. There is one reason it might work (and it’s not good): drinking vinegar can upset your stomach so you lose your desire for food. This fad diet can be taken to extremes, and that’s dangerous. Some may think if a little vinegar helps with a little weight loss, a lot of vinegar may help with a lot of weight loss. Wrong. Vinegar is extremely acidic and it can erode the enamel on your teeth.

MEDICAL MYTHS

Here are seven medical myths identified by the British Medical Journal that will no doubt stun you. You’ll probably think at least one of these is true. Here are the seven medical myths that are all false:

  • You should drink at least eight glasses of water a day: This advice, often found in the popular press, probably originated from advice given in 1945 stating that a suitable allowance of water per day for adults is 2.5 liters (which is 10.14 cups). Drinking too much water can actually be harmful, resulting in water intoxication, hyponatraemia and even death.

  • We use only 10% of our brains: Erroneously credited to Albert Einstein, MRI and PET scans show that there are no dormant, inactive areas of the brain. Detailed probing of the brain has never revealed the non-functioning 90 percent.

  • Fingernails and hair grow after death: Johnny Carson even perpetuated this myth, but forensic anthropologist William Maples says no such thing occurs. However, there is a biological basis for the myth. After death, the skin around the hair or nails can retract, giving the impression that the nails or hair have grown when in fact the contrasting soft tissues just shrink.

  • Shaved hair grows back faster, coarser and darker: Clinical trials conducted as long as 80 years ago show that shaving has no effect on hair growth. More recent research proves that shaving doesn’t affect the thickness or rate of hair growth. Because shaved hair lacks the fine taper seen on the ends of unshaven hair, it can appear to be more coarse.

  • Reading in dim light ruins your eyesight: Moms have long maintained that children who try to postpone bedtime by reading under the covers with a flashlight will need glasses. That’s not true. Poor lighting can make it seem as if your eyes can’t focus and it makes them feel dryer, but in fact such light won’t permanently harm your eyesight.

  • Eating turkey makes you drowsy: Scientific studies do show that tryptophan, which is an amino acid present in turkey, is involved in sleep and mood control and can cause drowsiness. However, turkey doesn’t contain enough tryptophan to knock you out.

  • Mobile phones are dangerous in hospitals: Hospitals may be plastered with warning signs against using cell phones, but not a single death can be attributed to such use. However, less serious incidents causing false alarms on monitors, malfunctions in infusion pumps, and incorrect readings on cardiac monitors, have occasionally been reported.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

In Scranton, Arkansas, 25-year-old Stephen Koch has admitted that not only did he contract HIV on purpose, he did it with the intention of infecting others! Originally arrested on drug charges, an informant later told police Koch was also viewing child pornography. A subsequent search of his computer and phone showed that to be true and also revealed Koch had intentionally infected himself with HIV. In court, Circuit Judge Robin Green asked, “Just so I can get my brain around this, did I understand the state correctly?” Koch confirmed the story, saying he knew his plan to infect others would cause harm. He then pleaded guilty to attempting to expose another person to HIV, meth possession, and eight counts of distributing or viewing child pornography. He was sentenced to 50 years in prison and will be required to register as a sex offender. (KNWA)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

That’s it for me, troops. Until tomorrow, this is (JOCK) saying so long, and remember — a rolling belly button gathers no lint.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 08, 2018…

Hearts Beat Loud-–This is a film in which a father and his daughter decide they want to start their own band. Maybe, do a little DJ, too.  Does it work? Well, some of the time. Stars Nick Offerman and Kiersey Clemons. What is on your Play List? Offerman has Tom Watts “Get Behind The Mule” and Kiersey Clemons has “Jamming” by Bob Marley & the Wailers.” “Hearts Beat Loud” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Hereditary—This is a movie about relatives.  Specifically, dead relatives who make up a family’s history.  In this case, a family gets together after the death of the head lady of the family. To say that family history and information comes forth is putting it mildly.  This film caused a stir at the last Sundance Film Festival. Hold on to your arm rests.  The stars are Toni Collette, Gabriel Byrne, Alex Wolff and Milly Shapiro. “Hereditary” is rated R. No rating.

Hotel Artemis—The year is 2028 AD and Los Angeles is beset by riots. Sound familiar?  In this setting, criminals come to a “special” hotel to have medical treatment done. Head of the “hotel” is Jodie Foster.  So, this is what the future holds for health insurance? Also, in the cast are Sterling F. Brown, Sofia Boutella and Jeff Goldblum (what, no dinosaurs?) “Hotel Artemis” is rated R. No rating.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? —This delightful and informative documentary about one of television’s most loved people, features Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers). This talented man showed children and adults that kindness is more than just a word in the dictionary. Rogers did his own drawings and material and songs and his neighborhood was the one everyone wanted to live in. Directed by Morgan Neville, this is family entertainment. “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” is rated G. Rating of 4 for fans and you all know who you are. By the way, Tom Hanks is looking at starring as Fred Rogers in a future film.

Ocean’s 8—The “Ocean’s 11, etc.” films starring George Clooney, were classy tales of major robberies that went off like clockwork. This time, there are ladies who do the planning and the heist. Here is the cast: Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter and Awkwafina. Anne Hathaway plays the role of the rich, spoiled actress who has a diamond necklace the size of a harness. To say the character Hathaway plays is vain is putting it mildly. As you can imagine, fashion is top on the list of watchables. Basic plot is that there is pre-planning, a heist, and how to get away with it. Sandra Bullock’s character is Debbie, Danny Ocean’s sister. Each person on the team has a special skill. “Ocean’s 8” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

JUNE 15, 2018…

Incredibles 2 is the long-awaited sequel to the first “Incredibles” film with a power family. Voices of Craig T. nelson and Holly Hunter.

Superfly is a remake of the 1972 film about a drug dealer. This version stars Trevor Jackson from television’s “American Crime.”

Set It Up is a comedy where two junior executives try to match up their bosses. Stars Zoey Deutch and Glen Powell.

Tag takes the children’s game and humorously brings it into the adult world where guys try to out-do each other. Stars Jon Hamm and Ed Helms.

Gotti (this film was to have opened in the fall of 2017) stars John Travolta as John Gotti.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.