June 12, 2015: Friday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150612

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

WARNING! The following program may cause excitability and, in extreme cases, nausea. Avoid attentive listening if you are pregnant or nursing a baby while operating heavy machinery. In case of accidental overdose, consult your psychiatrist immediately.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive thing in me; lead me in the everlasting way. –Psalm 139:23-24

 

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. — Psalm 46:10

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them. — Psalm 78:72

 

Thought: One of the greatest honors and responsibilities a Christian leader can have is to be designated a pastor or shepherd in God’s family. While only a few truly qualify biblically to be recognized as shepherds over God’s flock (see Acts 20, 1 Tim 3, & Titus 1), a shepherding concern for others is important for all of us. Let’s demand that those who are selected as our Shepherds have integrity of heart and proven skill in caring for people. And when they lead, let’s give them our support in effort, prayer, and ministry.

 

Prayer: O Great Shepherd, I fervently pray that you will raise up great leaders in your church who will shepherd your sheep with integrity and godly skill. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Timothy 6:12 NIV = Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called . . .

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 12, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 197 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is NATIONAL BUY YOURSELF A TOY DAY.  ***MARLAR: What was your favorite toy as a kid? Is it still in stores? Mine was the Planet of the Apes action figures. The originals – from the 1968 movie. Dang they were cool! And with their red fur and my red hair, I could even pretend the orangutan figures were my aunts and uncles!

 

KitchenKlutzToday is KITCHEN KLUTZES OF AMERICA DAY, honoring those who are dangerous in the kitchen.  ***MARLAR: Are you a Kitchen Klutz? You can be assured that you are if the E.P.A. won’t set foot in your home because they are too nervous.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Banana Split Days (12-13)

Crowded Nest Awareness Day

National Lemonade Day (12-14)

Loving Day

National Jerky Day

National Peanut Butter Cookie Day

Superman Day

World Day Against Child Labor

Poultry Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, JUNE 13

Poultry Festival (13-14)

World Bike Naked Day

International Young Eagles Day

Missing Mutts Awareness Day

Queen’s Official Birthday

World Gin Day

World Juggling Day

Worldwide Knit & Crochet in Public Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 14

Abused Women and Children’s Awareness Day

Army’s Birthday

Children’s Sunday

Multicultural American Child Day

Family History Day

Flag Day

Magic Circles Day

National Bourbon Day

Pause for the Pledge Day

Race Unity Day

World Blood Donor Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day

Magna Carta Day

Native American Citizenship Day

Nature Photography Day

National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers

Ride to Work Day (Motorcycles)

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day

Worldwide Day of Giving

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday

Fudge Day

Ladies’ Day (Baseball)

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17

Eat Your Vegetables Day

Stewarts Root Beer Day

World Day to Combat Desertification and Drought

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 18

International Sushi Day

Dump the Pump Day

Ramadan (6/18-7/16)

Recess at Work Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 19

Garfield the Cat Day

Juneteenth

National Flip Flop Day

Ugliest Dog Day

Work at Home Father’s Day

World Sickle Cell Day

World Sauntering Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1880: John Lee Richmond of the Worcester Ruby Legs pitched baseball’s first perfect game against the Cleveland Blues. Cleveland ace Jim McCormick gave up only one run. Richmond won 32 games that year. He also lost 32. McCormick’s record was 43-28. (Some sources call the “Ruby Legs” the “Brown Stockings,” others simply the Worcester Worcesters.)

 

1939: The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, New York.

 

1952: A 17-year-old Bonham, Texas, housecat named Dusty set a Guinness record by giving birth to her 420th kitten.

 

1965: Tex Ritter became a member of the Grand Ole Opry. He had made some 60 western films in the 1940s. Hit songs included “Jealous Heart,” “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You,” and “I Dreamed of A Hill-Billy Heaven.” He died in 1974.

 

1965: Queen Elizabeth honored the Beatles by making them members of the Order of the British Empire. Several British Army officers were so outraged, they returned their medals.

 

1967: The U.S. Supreme Court struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriages.

 

1971: Tricia Nixon and Edward Cox were married in the White House Rose Garden.

 

1979: Cyclist Bryan Allen flew the man-powered Gossamer Albatross across the English Channel.

 

1980: Actor Milburn Stone died at age 75. He was “Doc” Galen Adams on “Gunsmoke” for 21 years. (

)

 

1981: Little-known comedian David Letterman hosted “Looking for Fun” on cable’s HBO.

 

1989: Graceland in Memphis opened the Elvis automobile museum.

 

1991: A 17-year-old inmate escaped from the county jail in Cuero, Texas, stole 29 bottles of liquor from a nearby store, then broke back into the jail with drinks for the house.

 

1994: The bodies of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were found in pools of blood in Los Angeles. Miss Simpson’s ex-husband, football/TV star O.J. Simpson, was charged in the stabbings, then acquitted, but held liable in a civil court action.

 

1997: Police in Clearwater, Florida, followed a 3½-foot green and orange iguana named Finley behind the wheel of a weaving car for two miles until he stopped. Finley’s owner, who’d been drinking, was slouched down in the seat. The owner went to jail; Finley went to the SPCA.

 

2000: A construction worker at a police station in Downey, California, found a wallet in the men’s room that had been stolen in 1957. The wallet, wedged between a cast-iron sink and a wall, was in good condition and contained the female owner’s driver’s license, Social Security card, photos of children and a check for $107. Police had moved into the building in the 1990s.

 

2003: A Mountain View, Arkansas, man spoke for the first time in nearly 19 years. He had been in a coma since July 13, 1984, after being injured in a car accident.

 

2007: Delcambre, Louisiana, approved an ordinance setting up to six months in jail and a $500 fine for being caught in saggy pants. Mayor Carol Broussard said guys who couldn’t keep their pants up were better off just wearing a dress.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1458: In England, the College of St. Mary Magdalen was founded at Oxford University.

 

1720: Birth of Isaac Pinto, translator of the first Jewish prayer book published in America.

 

1744: David Brainerd, 26, was ordained a missionary to the Indians in Colonial New England by the Society for Propagating Christian Knowledge (SPCK).

 

1914: The first edition of A.T. Robertson’s monumental Grammar of the Greek New Testament was released. Its 1400+ pages make it the largest systematic analysis of the original New Testament language ever published.

 

1950: American missionary martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: “Earthly blessing is no sign of heavenly favor. Behold how many wicked prosper.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Short Circuit, St. Elmo’s Fire, The Breakfast Club) Ally Sheedy 53
  • actor (“Thirtysomething,” Danny Concannon on “The West Wing,” Lloyd Stevens on ”Ed,” Arnold Poindexter, Tri-Lam in Revenge of the Nerds) Timothy Busfield 58 (
    )
  • actor (“The Andy Griffith Show,” “Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C.”) Jim Nabors 85 (
    )
  • Former President George H. Bush 91

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Al Fairweather

1928 : Vic Damone

1941 : Chick Corea

1941 : Roy Harper

1941 : Reg Presley (The Troggs)

1942 : Len Barry

1948 : Harry Bailey (Atlanta Rhythm Section)

1951 : Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick)

1951 : Brad Delp (Boston)

1953 : Rocky Burnette

1959 : John Linnell (They Might Be Giants)

1960 : Michael Hausman (’til tuesday)

1962 : Grandmaster Dee (Whodini)

1969 : Bardi Martin (Candlebox)

1977 : Kenny Wayne Shepherd

1979 : Robyn

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call limitations on how late we can stay out a “curfew?”
When I was a teenager I called curfews “unfair.” I also thought the word “curfew” sounded weird. What could it have originally meant? But the word makes a lot of sense once you know what it was in the original French. We’ve been using the word since the 13th century, but it originated in France from a similar sounding word that I won’t try to pronounce (couvrefeu) which means, “cover the fire.” Throughout Europe in the Middle Ages, a town official rang a bell at a designated hour in the evening warning all citizens that it was time to put out their fires. The danger of a few wayward sparks from an unattended hearth was too great to let these flames burn through the night. Once the fires went out it was bedtime and activities ceased for the day. Now the word curfew only ceases the activities of teenagers!

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Bart Millard may have found a way around the commandment thou shalt not covet. He posted a picture of an antique pickup with the caption: Wish I had this and the guy who owns it had a nicer one. See what I did? I’m just thinking of the owner.

 

A bit of trivia about Mat Kearney: My legs have been exceptionally white since the 90’s.

 

Kerrie Roberts says road life isn’t as glamorous as you might imagine. She tweeted: because of a lot of reasons, my dressing room is my vehicle. I use the QuickTime movie on my laptop for a mirror and a road pro plug for my curling iron.

 

Another groaner from Citizenway: 

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible.

Doctor: Tell him I am very busy and can’t see him right now.

 

Jonny Diaz has found his dog Rudy’s sweet spot. He said if you pet him between the eyes, Rudy will fall asleep in any position. No word on if it will also work on Jonny.

 

Citizenway’s David Blascoe was originally worried about the volume of his drums when he recently moved into a new house. Now he says he’s not nearly as concerned. He said the kids are so loud that: I doubt anybody will even hear me.

 

Jason Gray was enjoying some Canadian contraband recently. He shared on line: A new friend drove from Canada to the show last night bringing two of Canada’s greatest treasures. They are the only donut that Jason says he will eat, Tim Horton’s Honey Crullers, and the only candy bar that he will eat, the Cadbury Wunderbar. Jason said: I’m not big on junk food, and I’m trying to be good, but it’s hard when these goodies come along.

 

Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo was having a bad day. While he was tweeting that he broke his phone screen he cut his finger on one of the cracks.

 

Some good news from Kutless member James Mead if you are from the country of Brazil. He tweeted: My favorite tweets are from Brazilians.

 

Natalie Grant recently shared the following thought online: Motherhood. You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Report: Chimps enjoy fermented palm sap, get drunk off it
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) — Chimpanzees in West Africa get inebriated during lengthy “drinking sessions” featuring the fermented sap of palm trees — normally used to make palm wine — according to a new study published Wednesday. The report in the journal Royal Society Open Science…

 

Man dismissed from jury duty for wearing prisoner costume    photo
ST. JOHNSBURY, Vt. (AP) — A Vermont man has escaped jury duty — by getting dismissed for wearing a prisoner costume. James Lowe of Barnet says he was released from jury duty on Tuesday when he showed up to court wearing a black-and-white-striped jumpsuit with a matching beanie….
Burglars break into pet store, swipe 15 exotic birds
ALLENTOWN, Pa. (AP) — A Pennsylvania pet store is searching for more than a dozen exotic birds that were swiped from the shop. Employees at Bird Mania say 15 baby birds were stolen Tuesday night from the Salisbury Township store near Allentown when burglars broke in through a bathroom window….
Report of plane crash actually monster truck’s bath time    photo
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. (AP) — Ambulances, law enforcement officers and several emergency responders rushed to a property in southwest Missouri upon receiving a report of a possible plane crash. Instead, they found a man washing his jet-powered semi — named “Shockwave” — on Monday…
Missing 50-pound pet tortoise is found alive and well
PLAINFIELD TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Frank, a 50-pound pet tortoise, has been found in western Michigan after a two-day search. Owner Bradley Clark tells The Grand Rapids Press that he got a call from someone who said the tortoise was munching on flowers Tuesday, 7 miles from home in Kent…
‘Throwing shade’; Taco Bell execs bone up on youth lingo    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — Taco Bell executives are studying a strange new vocabulary emerging on this side of the border — the lingo of its young customers. CEO Brian Niccol said the company features a “Millennial Word of the Week” at its headquarters as a reminder of how the chain’s biggest fan…
Colorado sees 1st camp resort for pot users
DURANGO, Colo. (AP) — Colorado is full of all-inclusive ranch resorts where guests hike, fish, play horseshoes and roast marshmallows. This one has a new offering — smoking pot. The 170-acre CannaCamp opening July 1 in Durango in southwest Colorado calls itself the nation’s first…
Truck carrying 2,200 piglets overturns, killing about half    photo
XENIA, Ohio (AP) — Authorities estimate up to 1,100 piglets may have died when a semitrailer carrying 2,200 piglets overturned on an Ohio highway. Agencies and volunteers worked to corral the animals after the crash Monday night on U.S. Route 35 in Xenia Township, near Dayton. Crews picked up…
It’s a ferry tale: Baby born on Virginia river crossing
WILLIAMSBURG, Va. (AP) — A Virginia couple’s baby was so eager to enter the world that she was born on a river ferry on the way to the hospital. Media outlets report that Kayla and Jonathan Cline’s daughter, Emmaleigh Jane, was born Wednesday morning on the Jamestown-Scotland Ferry. Jonathan…
Bull yak flees at sight of bear, leaving behind cows, calves
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — When a curious brown bear showed up at an Anchorage area farm, the cows in a small yak herd there defiantly surrounded the calves. But not the lone bull, Stormy: he sprinted away. HASH(0x13e4880) Angie Johnson owns the 25-acre farm with her husband and describes the…
Feline fans prove who’s the cat’s meow at CatConLA    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Their cat tails wagging and whiskers twitching, feline fans, some in shirts emblazoned with “Check Meowt,” chattered about their “purrfect” pets as they waited in line for hours for a selfie with a kitty celebrity. No one was as serious as Laura E. Mart of Los Angeles, who…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

South Korea reports 10th death from MERS virus    photo
SEOUL, South Korea (AP) — South Korea reported a 10th death from the MERS virus on Thursday, although officials say they believe the disease has peaked. The victim was a 65-year-old man who had been treated for lung cancer and was hospitalized in the same facility as another MERS patient, the…

 

Spike in heroin overdoses take toll on Ohio town’s psyche    photo
MARION, Ohio (AP) — The usual handwringing over the heroin problem turned into panic in this small city in May when a supercharged blue-tinted batch from Chicago sent more than 30 overdose victims to the hospital and two to the morgue in a 12-day stretch. Like many places in America, Marion…
FDA panel backs Amgen cholesterol drug for some patients    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Federal health advisers said Wednesday that a highly-anticipated cholesterol-lowering drug from Amgen Inc. should be approved for patients with dangerously high levels of the artery-clogging substance. But as with their review of a similar drug a day earlier, the Food and…
Study: Rape prevention training works, cuts sex assault risk    photo
A program that taught college women ways to prevent sexual assault cut in half the chances they would be raped over the next year, a Canadian study found. It was the first large, scientific test of resistance training, and the strong results should spur more universities to offer it, experts say….
NYC Health Department proposes high-sodium warning on menus    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — New York City’s Health Department wants all chain restaurants to warn customers about products that are high in salt. The department voted on Wednesday to consider the proposal at a meeting of the Board of Health that all chain restaurants add a salt-shaker-like symbol on…
Johnson & Johnson starts project to prevent Type 1 diabetes
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — Johnson & Johnson has begun a research partnership to find the root cause of Type 1 diabetes and stop the hormonal disorder in its tracks. It’s the health care giant’s first project under its ambitious initiative to prevent or at least intercept and reduce harm from many…
San Francisco moves to put warnings on ads for sugary drinks    photo
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — Soda and some other sugary drinks contribute to health problems, San Francisco supervisors said as they voted unanimously to approve health warnings on ads for such beverages. The soda industry said it might sue to block the ordinance, while supporters said they will seek…
Blue Bell: Listeria source likely ID’d at Oklahoma plant
HOUSTON (AP) — Blue Bell Creameries believes the listeria found at its Oklahoma facility is likely linked to a non-sanitary room, though the company has not been able to pinpoint a single source for the contamination at its Texas plant, according to a report released Wednesday. The…
Health head: Congress’ problem if court voids health law aid    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Congress and the states will need to find an answer if the Supreme Court strikes down the federal subsidies that are a foundation of President Barack Obama’s health care law, his health secretary told lawmakers Wednesday. Sylvia Burwell also said the president would reject…
Woman gives birth after transplant of ovarian tissue    photo
LONDON (AP) — A woman who had ovarian tissue removed and frozen during childhood has given birth to a baby after the tissue was successfully transplanted back into her, enabling her to get pregnant. The woman, now 27, was only 13 when doctors stored some of her tissue because she was about to…
Cervical cancer vaccine might work after just 1 shot, not 3    photo
LONDON (AP) — Protecting girls from cervical cancer might be possible with just one dose of the HPV vaccine rather than the three now recommended, a new analysis suggests. The authors of the study acknowledged it isn’t convincing enough to change vaccination strategies immediately. But if…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

It’s the ultimate estimation game: How many pieces of paper would it take to print the entire Internet? According to ABC News, Two British scientists have arrived at the approximate number of pages they say it would take to create a hard copy of everything on the Internet. The answer: 136 billion standard 8 1/2 by 11-inch pieces of printer paper.  *** I have to assume that doesn’t include photos – because that much paper would be used just for Kim Kardashian’s selfies.

 

A North Carolina police officer is suing Starbucks for $750,000 after he spilled a free cup of coffee in his lap and burned himself in 2012. Raleigh PD lieutenant Matthew Kohr testified to a jury, saying: “I didn’t know it was that hot.”  *** They apparently don’t have a “minimum IQ” test for North Carolina police officers.

 

A woman in China was detained for allegedly biting and slapping a traffic officer who tried to stop her from jaywalking.  *** It’s believed her name was Zsa Zsa Gabor.  (Wow – I had to really reach back for that one!)

 

President Obama admitted this week that the US does not have a strategy to defeat ISIS.  Meanwhile, he has suggested that the US will allow a United Nations vote on Palestinian statehood.  *** Gee, how about we make our strategy to stop people from voting to give ISIS what they want?

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The woman at the coffee shop keeps staring at you. Is that what you think, big guy? Well, relax… she’s not staring at you, she’s staring at your wife. A new survey found women spend more time staring at other women than they do guys, checking out the “opposition’s” clothing along with their hair, weight and how much cellulite they have.  ***MARLAR: Which is strange, because that’s exactly what men are looking at on women too.

 

The government has placed 12 species of flies on the Endangered Species List.  ***MARLAR: Thank goodness.  I can’t tell you how concerned I was about the possible extinction of flies.

 

A majority of baby boomers born between 1946 and 1964 say they have taken a financial hit in the past few years and most now doubt that they will be financially secure after they retire, according to a recent poll.  The Associated Press-LifeGoesStrong.com poll found a baby boom generation planning to work into retirement years — with 73 percent planning to work past retirement, up from 67 percent this spring.   ***MARLAR: So you can rest comfortably knowing we’ll never be short Wal-Mart greeters.

 

When you find yourself feeling overwhelmed at work, chewing gum can help tame your tension, report Australian researchers. People who chewed gum while taking math and memory tests experienced a 17% drop in self reported stress. “The act of chewing may subconsciously be associated with positive social setting like mealtimes, and this association may reduce stress,” says study author Andrew Scholey, Ph.D.  ***MARLAR: If this were true, I’d be the least stressed person in America.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Get Off Non-Stop Flight”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… John Branyan, “Morning People”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was generously helping his niece, Rita with her math homework. Well, “helping” isn’t the right word, because the truth of the matter is that Rita wasn’t doing any of the work herself – she was letting her uncle answer all of the questions for her.

 

CLOSE: Unbelievable! Even though Racquet knows he shouldn’t do the work for Rita, he ends up doing it anyway – because she’s learned how to manipulate him. She’s pretty smart… but what happens when they finally DO get to long division? Find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 13/14, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were completely exhausted from trying to keep up with their own schedules. They didn’t have time for all of their chores, didn’t have time for friends, meetings, even quick conversations! After collapsing from the stress, a group of very peaceful turtles wandered by…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another episode in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Throwing rocks and stones at people is a bad idea… people throwing them at you is an even worse idea… and doing this on purpose as an annual tradition is a Moment of Duh!

Nearly 250 people are injured every year at the annual Pashann Pudd village festival in India. Villagers divide themselves into two groups and then throw stones at each other! It’s like bombardment, but with rocks instead of rubber balls. And there are no rules about the size of the rocks! Most of the injuries, not surprisingly, were of the head and eye variety. Why do they do this? Tradition, that’s why! Hundreds of years ago, this pagan culture had a single young man in the community sacrificed each year to please the village’s pagan goddess. If the man’s parents successfully appealed to the king to spare the man’s life, villagers were ordered by the king to compensate by sacrificing their own blood. So therefore, of course it follows logically that those injured by the rocks were really receiving a “kind of blessing from the goddess.” ***MARLAR: Either that or they’re just totally delusional.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

 

  1. Barbara Carr remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Frank’s sermons.

 

  1. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

 

  1. Jean will be leading a weight management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

 

  1. This Sunday afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

 

  1. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Reverend John Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

 

  1. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

 

  1. There is a “sign-up sheet” for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

 

  1. We should always remember to pray for our unloved saved ones.

 

  1. Thank you, dead friends, for your prayers and gifts of love during our dime of sorrow.

 

  1. Teenagers from Ireland barbecue guests at the home of Pastor Perry Sills. Please make them feel welcome.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A loser criminal becomes a three time loser in today’s files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: Michael Anthone Jacobs, 18, faces charges of armed robbery, attempted aggravated robbery, criminal damage and aggravated robbery in Mesa, Arizona. Last Friday and Saturday he was part of three robberies. After the first one, he dropped his gun and broke it. While fleeing from another his accomplice left him behind when he had to stop and use an asthma inhaler. Later, when he got to his car, he realized he’d locked his keys in the car. Somehow he got in and fled the scene…but he forgot to turn on his headlights and was pulled over by Mesa police.

 

FILE #2: A Pennsylvania woman has been ordered to wear a badge reading “Convicted Shoplifter” every time she goes shopping over the next year. Lebanon County Judge Bradford Charles handed down the unusual punishment to Regina Zimmerman after her fourth conviction for shoplifting. Zimmerman agreed to the bizarre punishment to avoid a prison sentence. She was also sentenced to 12-months probation and a $100 fine. Mandatory drug counseling was also part of the deal. The judge told Zimmerman he wanted storeowners and clerks to “keep a special eye on her” every time she walked into a shopping situation.

 

FILE #3: A sneaky TV station executive from Texas rigged a contest so that his mother-in-law could win a pick-up truck. He was caught, and the judge decided to sentence him to wear a sign that declares “I am a liar, a coward and a thief.” The man was forced to wear the sign at a major college football game where thousands of gawking people would see him.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Massachusetts, all dogs must have their hind legs tied in April.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A 23-year-old man had an odd way of dealing with his impending arrest. 

The man was arrested on accusations of disorderly conduct and criminal trespass after he pounded on the door of a stranger, demanding to be let inside a Caledonia, Wisconsin home.  The man drove off but was stopped nearby by police and told to get out of the car. He did, but then began to skip down the road while talking on his cell phone.  Police told him to stop, and again he did, only to start skipping back down the road seconds later. Not surprisingly, officers said he was “highly intoxicated.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What was your favorite toy as a kid?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which book of the Bible mentions a ferry boat?

ANSWER: 2 Samuel 19:18

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Americans spend nearly $4.5 billion on these annually, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. What?

ANSWER: Walking shoes.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. While in Alcatraz, Al Capone was inmate #666. (False, he was #85)

 

  1. The Eiffel Tower is six inches taller in the summer than in the winter. (True – because steel expands when it gets hot)

 

  1. The language of Taki, spoken in parts of French Guinea, consists of only 340 words. (True)

 

  1. Camel is considered unclean meat in the Bible. (True)

 

  1. Parts of the original Dead Sea Scrolls have appeared for sale in the Wall Street Journal. (True – on June 1, 1954)

 

  1. There’s a temple in Sri Lanka dedicated to the tailbone of the Buddha. (False – the tooth of Buddah. The name of the temple is “Temple of the Tooth.”)

 

  1. Residents of the Australia consume more cans of baked beans than the rest of the world combined. (False – the United Kingdom)

 

  1. The medical term for the condition known as writers’ cramp is “chirospasm.” (True)

 

  1. The idea of painting fingernails originated in Japan, where nail color indicated their social rank. (False – China)

 

  1. Sesame Street’s Snuffle-upagus’ first name is Aloysius. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ZOMBIE _______ (BULLETS)

After the rash of cannibal and zombie attacks in recent weeks, Americans are buying up Zombie Bullets at a fast pace.

They’re flying off the shelves – Americans are eating them up!

The largest independent producer of bullets in the world says their Zombie Max ammunition is in response to the flesh-eating crimes – and these bullets are the ONLY way to stop Zombies.

Hornady Manufacturing Company, an American maker of ammunition and hand-loading components has decided to cash in on current zombie terror.

Zombie Bullets are designed for those who want to be ready and fully-equipped for what the company the Zombie Apocalypse, which experts agree will occur by the end of 2012.

The Center for Disease Control has denied that there will be a Zombie Apocalypse, but many don’t trust the government.

“There are zombies in the government.  And those zombies are the ones saying that we don’t have to worry about the Zombie Apocalypse,” said Jeb Stuart of Selma, Alabama.  ”We’re going to be ready down here.  I got me enough bullets to kill three thousand zombies. And I’m going to do it.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales – specifically the story about Jonah and the whale. Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though they were very large mammals, their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was, indeed, swallowed by a whale because the Bible said so. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was scientifically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

 

JOKE #2

An elderly gentleman was bragging to his friend about his attractiveness to younger women. “It was during spring break – a beautiful co-ed introduced herself to me. She’s an archeology major, only 22, and she says she wants to date me!” he said excitedly.

“Now why would a woman like that want to date you?” his friend replied.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care” the gentleman grumbled. “There’s just one thing I don’t understand.”

“What’s that?” his friend inquired quizzically.

“She mentioned something about Carbon 14.”

 

JOKE #3

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. “But it ended,” he said, “when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”

“What did she say?” asked the friend.

The husband replied, “She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you coward!'”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The National Institute of Mental Health says that millions of men won’t get help for mental illness because their male egos keep them from asking for help.  ***MARLAR: And those who do ask for mental help still don’t get it because they refuse to stop and ask for directions to the clinic.

 

The London Sun reports that a French company is marketing a line of environmentally-correct “green” women’s underwear made of wood. The line is called “G=9.8,” the scientific figure for the Earth’s acceleration. Their women’s underwear are made from fibers of white pine trees, but they say women won’t get splinters because the wood fibers are spun to a silky soft texture.  ***MARLAR: And sealed with three coats of varnish.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

FORGETFUL

While on a road trip between Billings and Butte, Montana, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.  All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.  To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.  And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

MICKEY UNDERWEAR

Ever had a dress code from your employer that included your undergarments? That’s what Disney World has!

After almost 2 months at the negotiating table, the workers who wear character costumes at Disney World finally get assigned individual undergarments, which they can take home each night and clean themselves, instead of relying on Disney’s laundry staff. Workers were complaining that the undergarments were continually being given to them with lice or other bugs in them yet still forced the wear them. ***MARLAR: So when you saw Goofy walking around Disney World like he had ants in his pants… it’s because he had ANTS IN HIS PANTS!!!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE MULE, THE MONKEY, AND THE MAN

God created the mule, and told him, “You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.”
The mule answered, “To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.”
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.”
The dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.”
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.”
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”
The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so…

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MAKING CHANGES

Sometimes we think there is no way to get there from here, from where we stand. The hurdles seem insurmountable. Old habits stubbornly cling to us. We just don’t seem to be able to shake them. Sin has the upper hand. What’s wrong? Is it supposed to be this way?

First, look at Romans 6:14. “Sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” People receiving the grace and mercy of God are not attempting to prove they are able to make the grade. These people know they cannot make it to heaven on their own merit. They are not under law but under grace. In this status, the Bible declares, sin is not your master. You have a new King. His name is Jesus. “Jesus is Lord” (Romans 10:9). Sin remains. It no longer reigns. Since this is the case, you are able to break old habits and
form new ones. It is possible. It takes a lot of persistent practice.

Here is a second word. “Just as you presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness, resulting in further lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness, resulting in sanctification” (Romans 6:19). Practice the things pleasing to God. Do them over and over again. By the grace of God, change will result.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

WHAT A PIG!

A Minnesota man is putting a pig farm where houses should be… and boy are his neighbors squealing!

A Minnesota man wanted to build some homes in his neighborhood. He owned the land, but the people in the neighborhood said “no” to his building houses. So he’s decided to get even. If he can’t build homes, he’ll just build a pig farm instead! Marley Danner bought 40 pigs and is starting a hobby farm on his 16-acre property. He’s even posted a sign on his property to explain why he’s being such a pig about having pigs. “Houses or pigs. Your choice was not houses, so the pigs are coming soon!” ***MARLAR: Needless to say, his neighbor’s think he’s unfit for swine.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

DADDY RICH

How much money do you think YOUR dad is worth?

What if you could show the value of a dad in dollars? Studies show married men and women accumulate more assets over a lifetime than single people. But suppose you could put a dollar value on fathering. Would a hug be worth $15? A game of catch worth $35? Or $100 for each time you teach a child right from wrong? There is no way to measure what a trip to the zoo is worth, or just going for a walk around the neighborhood. In fact, trying to put a price tag on the things a daddy does probably shortchanges the real value to kids who know that there is a person who loves them and likes to spend time with them. ***MARLAR: My dad takes this concept to a different level… he always looks in his Father’s Day card to see if there’s any money in it.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

DEATH BY CHOCOLATE

The Brussels Fire Department was called to the rescue, but it wasn’t to put out a fire, to check for a gas leak, or even to rescue a poor little calico from a tree. Nope, it was to rescue a man from chocolate!  The man was cleaning a huge vat used to make Belgian chocolates, and then fell in and got stuck knee-deep in a vat of chocolate. Fortunately, someone heard him yelling for help and called the fire department. ***MARLAR: But then, if you gotta go…

 

 

FUN LIST

RULES FOR BUYING FATHER’S DAY GIFTS

  • When in doubt, buy Dad a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend owns 17 of them and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
  • If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy Dad anything with the word “ratchet” or “socket” in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
  • If you are really, really broke, buy Dad anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rearview mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
  • Do not buy Dad socks… or ties… and never buy a man a bathrobe.
  • You can buy Dad a new remote control to replace the one he wore out. If you have a lot of money, buy him a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
  • Buy Dad a label maker.  It’s almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Labels will show up for “Socks.” “Shorts.” “Cups.” “Saucers.” “Door.” “Lock.” “Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.
  • Never buy Dad anything with “Some Assembly Required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
  • Good places to shop for Father’s Day gifts are Sears’ hardware department, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and NAPA Auto Parts. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.”
  • Men enjoy danger – and your dad likely isn’t any different.  That’s why Dad doesn’t cook, but he will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
  • Tickets to a ball game – especially football – are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
  • Dads love chain saws… but never, ever, buy him one.  If you don’t know why, please refer to the label maker rule.

 

 

THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T SAY TO AN EXPECTANT MOTHER

  • “Just think, a couple more months and you’ll be able to work off all that weight you’ve gained.”
  • “Oh my gosh!  You’re so big!  Are you having twins?”
  • “You’re so lucky.  I’d love to have a baby, but instead I’m stuck going out to parties every night.”
  • “Seriously, you’re much larger than most pregnant women.  Are you sure it’s not twins?”
  • “I bet you’re so relieved that you married a cute guy.  I’m sure the baby will take after him!”
  • “It’s so brave of you to have this baby despite the fact you can’t find a guy who loves you!  That shows such strength!”
  • “Are you going to eat ALL of that cake?”
  • “I’m telling you, there is no way that’s just one baby in there, taking up all that space.  That’s definitely twins!”

 

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

IT’S WHAT YOU CRAVE

Doreen Virtue, Ph.D. The author of “Constant Cravings A-Z” says food cravings stem from emotional needs. For example:

  • If you crave jelly doughnuts you could be stressed out and overwhelmed.
  • If you crave crispy French Fries you could be feeling like you should be doing something more meaningful.
  • If you crave crispy-crust pizza with extra cheese you could be afraid of the future or anxious about something.
  • If you crave sushi you could be bored or stuck in a rut.
  • If you crave chunky peanut butter you could be feeling like you’re working too hard and aren’t having enough fun.

***MARLAR: And if you crave all the above foods you must be pregnant!

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Weekdays Only, None On The Weekends)

In 2006, Dutch native Riet Schumack moved her family from an affluent area in Detroit to one of the city’s toughest neighborhoods. According to the Huffington Post, Brightmoor at the time was ridden with crime, drugs, and abandoned homes, and yet Riet says she felt a strong “calling” to move to this struggling community. That led her to take action. With a passion for gardening and children, Riet decided to start a garden for kids, which she named Brightmoor Youth Garden. Children have now worked in the garden for the last nine years, spending their time focused on responsibility and ownership, rather than worrying about walking down the streets. Riet says crime in the community is now virtually non-extant.

http://huff.to/1KHdaYq

 

When Hailey Fort was just 5 years old, she spotted a homeless man in the town where she lives. ABC news says She asked her mom whether she could help him and her mom said yes. That encounter led to a four year program to help the homeless. With the help of her mom, Hailey plans to build 12 mobile shelters this year. Food is another one of Hailey’s priorities. She grows fruits and vegetables, and hopes to grow 250 pounds for the homeless this year. But that’s still not all. Hailey, at age 9, is also trying to raise $1,000 to purchase 1000 toiletries, 500 feminine hygiene products and 100 coats.

http://abcn.ws/1APKSut

 

South America is home to some to some of the least-reached people groups on earth. Many of its civilians are illiterate and lack access to modern technology. But one Christian ministry has a unique way to bring them God’s Word: audio Scriptures. Faith Comes By Hearing is establishing 60 listening groups for unreached people in the greater Amazon Basin, bringing them the Gospel in their heart language. This is accomplished by a device called The Proclaimer. The Proclaimer is a durable digital audio player preloaded with the message of the Bible and distributed to each group in their language, in order to maximize the Gospel’s impact.

https://t.co/Xq6FZyPaGz

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Have you noticed? “Insane people are always sure that they are sane. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.” –Nora Ephron

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 12, 2015…

 

Jurassic World—Yes, we go back to that famous…or infamous island of creatures from long, long ago. They are still there and doing a great business. The theme park is functional and guests are happy.  You know when they are this happy, something will happen and it does…a rogue, intelligent dinosaur (think T-Rex). Now the chases begin. The cast includes Chris Pratt (“Guardians of the Galaxy”) and Bryce Dallas Howard.  “Jurassic World” is rated PG 13 and may be a reboot of the series.

 

Madame Bovary—Films like “Anna Karenina” or “Madame Bovary” are remade every 20 years or so. This time, Mia Wasikowska has the title role of the woman, married to a doctor and living away from high society,  who is dissatisfied with her marriage.  Also in the cast is Henry Lloyd-Hughes. “Madame Bovary” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (opening in select cities)—Thomas Mann stars in a film of teens who try to help a really ill friend by acting out famous movies of the past. Also in the cast are Olivia Cooke and R. J. Cyler. “Me and Earl and the Dying Girl” is rated

PG 13. No rating.

 

The Wolfpack (opening in select cities)—A documentary by Crystal Mosell  and it concerns the Angulo brothers, who are home-schooled and don’t leave the family apartment in New York City. The children become intensely interested in watching movies. “The Wolfpack” is not rated.

 

JUNE 17, 2015…

 

The Tribe is set in a school for the deaf and people communicate only in sign language. The film has won major awards.

 

JUNE 19, 2015…

 

Dope has a comedy about a boy from the streets who wants to attend Harvard. Stars Shameik Moore.

 

Inside Out is an animated film, one voice being Amy Poehler, and it concerns one’s emotions which have individual voices and individual personalities. Wasn’t there a TV series about this years ago?

 

Manglehorn has Al Pacino as a man who had a battle with relationships from his son to his two girlfriends.

 

The Overnight stars Adam Scott in a family about what happens when you invite someone to be your friend.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.