June 12, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180612
PDF: 20180612

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

WARNING! The following program may cause excitability and, in extreme cases, nausea. Avoid attentive listening if you are pregnant or nursing a baby while operating heavy machinery. In case of accidental overdose, consult your psychiatrist immediately.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“A man whose soul might be turned wrong side outward, without discovering a blemish to the world.” – Thomas Jefferson

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive thing in me; lead me in the everlasting way. –Psalm 139:23-24

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. — Psalm 46:10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

David shepherded them with integrity of heart; with skillful hands he led them. — Psalm 78:72

Thought: One of the greatest honors and responsibilities a Christian leader can have is to be designated a pastor or shepherd in God’s family. While only a few truly qualify biblically to be recognized as shepherds over God’s flock (see Acts 20, 1 Tim 3, & Titus 1), a shepherding concern for others is important for all of us. Let’s demand that those who are selected as our Shepherds have integrity of heart and proven skill in caring for people. And when they lead, let’s give them our support in effort, prayer, and ministry.

Prayer: O Great Shepherd, I fervently pray that you will raise up great leaders in your church who will shepherd your sheep with integrity and godly skill. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Timothy 6:12 NIV = Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called…

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 12, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
195 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL BUY YOURSELF A TOY DAY.  ***What was your favorite toy as a kid? Is it still in stores? Mine was the Planet of the Apes action figures. The originals – from the 1968 movie. Dang they were cool! And with their red fur and my red hair, I could even pretend the orangutan figures were my aunts and uncles!

Today is KITCHEN KLUTZES OF AMERICA DAY, honoring those who are dangerous in the kitchen.  ***Are you a Kitchen Klutz? You can be assured that you are if the E.P.A. won’t set foot in your home because they are too nervous.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Call Your Doctor Day
Crowded Nest Awareness Day
Loving Day
National Jerky Day
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day
Superman Day
Victims of Orlando, Florida Attack Day
World Day Against Child Labor
World Pet Memorial Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13

Brain Injury Awareness Day
International Albinism Awareness Day
Random Acts of Light
Roller Coaster Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 14

Army’s Birthday
Family History Day
Flag Day
International Bath Day
National Bourbon Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
(World) Blood Donor Day
National Nursing Assistants Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
Nature Photography Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
National Flip Flop Day
Prune Day
Work@Home Father’s Day

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Worldwide Day of Giving

SATURDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday
Fudge Day
Ladies’ Day (Baseball)
Mermaid Day
Polar Bear Swim
World Juggling Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 17

Dollars Against Diabetes Day
Eat Your Vegetables Day
Family Awareness Day
Father’s Day
Husband Caregiver Day
National Garbage Man Day
Stewarts Root Beer Day
Turkey Lovers Day
World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought
World Tesselation Day

MONDAY, JUNE 18

Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday (Superman)
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
Sustainable Gasteronomy Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 19

Free BSD Day
Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Juneteenth
National Watch Day
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day

ON THIS DAY

1792: George Vancouver discovered the site of what is now Vancouver, BC. ***What are the odds of discovering a city with your own name?

1839: The very first baseball game was played in America. ***They would’ve started the year before but it took a while to find a blind guy to be the umpire.

1880: John Lee Richmond of the Worcester Ruby Legs pitched baseball’s first perfect game against the Cleveland Blues. Cleveland ace Jim McCormick gave up only one run. Richmond won 32 games that year. He also lost 32. McCormick’s record was 43-28. (Some sources call the “Ruby Legs” the “Brown Stockings,” others simply the Worcester Worcesters.)

1931: Mobster Al Capone was indicted on 5000 violations of prohibition and perjury. ***Proving he was ahead of his time, he blamed it all on Wikileaks and Donald Trump.

1939: The National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum was dedicated in Cooperstown, New York.

1952: A 17-year-old Bonham, Texas, housecat named Dusty set a Guinness record by giving birth to her 420th kitten.

1965: Tex Ritter became a member of the Grand Ole Opry. He had made some 60 western films in the 1940s. Hit songs included “Jealous Heart,” “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You,” and “I Dreamed of A Hill-Billy Heaven.” He died in 1974.

1965: Queen Elizabeth honored the Beatles by making them members of the Order of the British Empire. Several British Army officers were so outraged, they returned their medals.

1967: The U.S. Supreme Court struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriages.

1971: Tricia Nixon and Edward Cox were married in the White House Rose Garden.

1979: Cyclist Bryan Allen flew the man-powered Gossamer Albatross across the English Channel.

1980: Actor Milburn Stone died at age 75. He was “Doc” Galen Adams on “Gunsmoke” for 21 years. (audio clip)

1981: Little-known comedian David Letterman hosted “Looking for Fun” on cable’s HBO.

1989: Graceland in Memphis opened the Elvis automobile museum.

1991: A 17-year-old inmate escaped from the county jail in Cuero, Texas, stole 29 bottles of liquor from a nearby store, then broke back into the jail with drinks for the house.

1994: The bodies of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were found in pools of blood in Los Angeles. Miss Simpson’s ex-husband, football/TV star O.J. Simpson, was charged in the stabbings, then acquitted, but held liable in a civil court action.

1997: Police in Clearwater, Florida, followed a 3½-foot green and orange iguana named Finley behind the wheel of a weaving car for two miles until he stopped. Finley’s owner, who’d been drinking, was slouched down in the seat. The owner went to jail; Finley went to the SPCA.

2000: A construction worker at a police station in Downey, California, found a wallet in the men’s room that had been stolen in 1957. The wallet, wedged between a cast-iron sink and a wall, was in good condition and contained the female owner’s driver’s license, Social Security card, photos of children and a check for $107. Police had moved into the building in the 1990s.

2003: A Mountain View, Arkansas, man spoke for the first time in nearly 19 years. He had been in a coma since July 13, 1984, after being injured in a car accident.

2007: Delcambre, Louisiana, approved an ordinance setting up to six months in jail and a $500 fine for being caught in saggy pants. Mayor Carol Broussard said guys who couldn’t keep their pants up were better off just wearing a dress.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1458: In England, the College of St. Mary Magdalen was founded at Oxford University.

1720: Birth of Isaac Pinto, translator of the first Jewish prayer book published in America.

1744: David Brainerd, 26, was ordained a missionary to the Indians in Colonial New England by the Society for Propagating Christian Knowledge (SPCK).

1914: The first edition of A.T. Robertson’s monumental Grammar of the Greek New Testament was released. Its 1400+ pages make it the largest systematic analysis of the original New Testament language ever published.

1950: American missionary martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: “Earthly blessing is no sign of heavenly favor. Behold how many wicked prosper.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Veep”) Timothy Simons 40

  • actress (Short Circuit, St. Elmo’s Fire, The Breakfast Club) Ally Sheedy 56

  • actor (“Thirtysomething,” Danny Concannon on “The West Wing,” Lloyd Stevens on ”Ed,” Arnold Poindexter, Tri-Lam in Revenge of the Nerds) Timothy Busfield 61 (audio clip)

  • actor (“The Andy Griffith Show,” “Gomer Pyle U.S.M.C.”) Jim Nabors 88 (audio clip)

  • Former President George H. Bush 94

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Al Fairweather

1928 : Vic Damone

1941 : Chick Corea

1941 : Roy Harper

1941 : Reg Presley (The Troggs)

1942 : Len Barry

1948 : Harry Bailey (Atlanta Rhythm Section)

1951 : Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick)

1951 : Brad Delp (Boston)

1953 : Rocky Burnette

1959 : John Linnell (They Might Be Giants)

1960 : Michael Hausman (’til tuesday)

1962 : Grandmaster Dee (Whodini)

1969 : Bardi Martin (Candlebox)

1977 : Kenny Wayne Shepherd

1979 : Robyn

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call limitations on how late we can stay out a “curfew?”
When I was a teenager I called curfews “unfair.” I also thought the word “curfew” sounded weird. What could it have originally meant? But the word makes a lot of sense once you know what it was in the original French. We’ve been using the word since the 13th century, but it originated in France from a similar sounding word that I won’t try to pronounce (couvrefeu) which means, “cover the fire.” Throughout Europe in the Middle Ages, a town official rang a bell at a designated hour in the evening warning all citizens that it was time to put out their fires. The danger of a few wayward sparks from an unattended hearth was too great to let these flames burn through the night. Once the fires went out it was bedtime and activities ceased for the day. Now the word curfew only ceases the activities of teenagers!

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

According to a survey commissioned by the University of Arizona, most teens don’t trust banks and believe the stock market is “rigged.” ***So teens are more intelligent than previously thought.

Sunday during “Fox & Friends,” co-host Abby Huntsman accidentally referred to the summit between President Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un as a meeting of “two dictators.” ***Kim Jon Un is demanding an apology, as he takes offense to being compared to Trump.

Mitt Romney is predicting President Trump will be re-elected in 2020. ***And we all know how qualified Romney is when it comes to winning Presidential elections.

A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. ***Be careful what you order though… if you ask for extra oil on your salad it may turn out to be WD-40.

A South Dakota sheriff who lost his re-election bid to his own deputy in a landslide wasted no time getting back at him. One minute after polls closed, he fired the deputy.  ***That’ll feel good up to the point that the deputy gets sworn in as sheriff and follows his former employer waiting for him to run a stop sign or forget to signal.

A woman was gored by a Buffalo at Yellowstone last week, as a group of people just got too close to it and it ticked him off.  ***Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam, and the… OH NO – RUN, HE’S COMING AFTER US!!!!

The hottest new flavor this summer: the brasperry. It’s what you get when you stuff a blueberry inside a raspberry. (Or combine the flavors for a drink.)  ***Oh… that’s a short “a” like “brass”.  I thought it was “bra” like “brassier” – which would’ve made bras-berry a totally different thing.

Henry Winkler, “the Fonz”, was among the 118,000 eligible voters left off the election rolls in L.A. last week.  ***But he easily fixed it by saying “ayyy” and bumping the voting machine with his elbow.

American wealth has passed the $100-trillion mark. ***Not according to my bank account – when does that trickle down to me?

The Justice Department said that its report on ex-FBI director James Comey and the bureau’s probe into Hillary Clinton will be released this Thursday, June 14 — the president’s 72nd birthday.  ***Personally, for my birthday I would’ve just asked for a pony.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent survey of more than 7,000 Americans shows that seven out of ten people would rather spend six months in Hades (Hell) than spend six months of their lives without television. ***Obviously, someone is not doing a very good job of telling people what Hell is really like! But then again, considering the current TV lineup, there may not be much of a difference.

After decades of prohibiting airline passengers from talking on their cellular devices from 20,000 feet up, federal regulators are mulling the idea of allowing travelers to make cell phone calls while in flight. The Department of Transportation is considering eventually allowing in-flight calls from airline passengers. The key word here is “eventually.” In order to change the current ban, the DOT will have to study the feasibility of such calls. ***Wait a minute – so we’ll eventually be able to use our mobile phones from 30,000 feet above the planet – but I can’t get a decent cell signal in my living room? How does THAT work?!?!

A little fire in your belly is good for you: According to researchers in China, eating spicy foods may help you live longer. People who reported eating hot stuff three or more days a week were 14 percent less likely to die in the next seven years, the study found. The possible reason: Capsaicin, the key source of the peppers’ heat, may help regulate cardiovascular function and metabolism, protecting against heart disease and diabetes. ***Meaning my wife is immortal.

If you see two people laughing at a joke you didn’t hear, chances are you will smile anyway — even if you don’t realize it. According to a study, laughter truly is contagious: the brain responds to the sound of laughter and preps the muscles in the face to join in the gaiety. ***Which totally explains laugh tracks on television – they know they jokes aren’t funny but want you to laugh anyway.

A recent YouGov survey reveals a poor recall of elementary mathematics, English and science among adults. According to the Guardian, many showed a shaky grasp of punctuation with almost one in four admitting to not knowing when to use a semi-colon; 18% didn’t know the rules governing the use of an apostrophe; and 17% had forgotten when to use a comma. ***Which is blatantly obvious if you spend even ten seconds reading others’ Facebook posts.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated at not being able to beat Steve Mozart at anything. So he decided that, no matter what it took, he’d find a way to beat Steve Mozart… at something. Anything. And it’s not going very well so far.

CLOSE: Poor Millard… will he ever find ANYTHING that he can do better than Mozart? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Throwing rocks and stones at people is a bad idea… people throwing them at you is an even worse idea… and doing this on purpose as an annual tradition is a Moment of Duh!

Nearly 250 people are injured every year at the annual Pashann Pudd village festival in India. Villagers divide themselves into two groups and then throw stones at each other! It’s like bombardment, but with rocks instead of rubber balls. And there are no rules about the size of the rocks! Most of the injuries, not surprisingly, were of the head and eye variety. Why do they do this? Tradition, that’s why! Hundreds of years ago, this pagan culture had a single young man in the community sacrificed each year to please the village’s pagan goddess. If the man’s parents successfully appealed to the king to spare the man’s life, villagers were ordered by the king to compensate by sacrificing their own blood. So therefore, of course it follows logically that those injured by the rocks were really receiving a “kind of blessing from the goddess.” ***MARLAR: Either that or they’re just totally delusional.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

10. Barbara Carr remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Frank’s sermons.

9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

8. Jean will be leading a weight management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

7. This Sunday afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

6. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when Reverend John Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

5. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

4. There is a “sign-up sheet” for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

3. We should always remember to pray for our unloved saved ones.

2. Thank you, dead friends, for your prayers and gifts of love during our dime of sorrow.

1. Teenagers from Ireland barbecue guests at the home of Pastor Perry Sills. Please make them feel welcome.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A loser criminal becomes a three time loser in today’s files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: Michael Anthone Jacobs, 18, faces charges of armed robbery, attempted aggravated robbery, criminal damage and aggravated robbery in Mesa, Arizona. Last Friday and Saturday he was part of three robberies. After the first one, he dropped his gun and broke it. While fleeing from another his accomplice left him behind when he had to stop and use an asthma inhaler. Later, when he got to his car, he realized he’d locked his keys in the car. Somehow he got in and fled the scene…but he forgot to turn on his headlights and was pulled over by Mesa police.

FILE #2: A Pennsylvania woman has been ordered to wear a badge reading “Convicted Shoplifter” every time she goes shopping over the next year. Lebanon County Judge Bradford Charles handed down the unusual punishment to Regina Zimmerman after her fourth conviction for shoplifting. Zimmerman agreed to the bizarre punishment to avoid a prison sentence. She was also sentenced to 12-months probation and a $100 fine. Mandatory drug counseling was also part of the deal. The judge told Zimmerman he wanted storeowners and clerks to “keep a special eye on her” every time she walked into a shopping situation.

FILE #3: A sneaky TV station executive from Texas rigged a contest so that his mother-in-law could win a pick-up truck. He was caught, and the judge decided to sentence him to wear a sign that declares “I am a liar, a coward and a thief.” The man was forced to wear the sign at a major college football game where thousands of gawking people would see him.

STRANGE LAW: In Massachusetts, all dogs must have their hind legs tied in April.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A 23-year-old man had an odd way of dealing with his impending arrest. 

The man was arrested on accusations of disorderly conduct and criminal trespass after he pounded on the door of a stranger, demanding to be let inside a Caledonia, Wisconsin home.  The man drove off but was stopped nearby by police and told to get out of the car. He did, but then began to skip down the road while talking on his cell phone.  Police told him to stop, and again he did, only to start skipping back down the road seconds later. Not surprisingly, officers said he was “highly intoxicated.”

PHONER PHUN

What was your favorite toy as a kid?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which book of the Bible mentions a ferry boat?

ANSWER: 2 Samuel 19:18

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Americans spend nearly $4.5 billion on these annually, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. What?

ANSWER: Walking shoes.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. While in Alcatraz, Al Capone was inmate #666. (False, he was #85)

2. The Eiffel Tower is six inches taller in the summer than in the winter. (True – because steel expands when it gets hot)

3. The language of Taki, spoken in parts of French Guinea, consists of only 340 words. (True)

4. Camel is considered unclean meat in the Bible. (True)

5. Parts of the original Dead Sea Scrolls have appeared for sale in the Wall Street Journal. (True – on June 1, 1954)

6. There’s a temple in Sri Lanka dedicated to the tailbone of the Buddha. (False – the tooth of Buddah. The name of the temple is “Temple of the Tooth.”)

7. Residents of the Australia consume more cans of baked beans than the rest of the world combined. (False – the United Kingdom)

8. The medical term for the condition known as writers’ cramp is “chirospasm.” (True)

9. The idea of painting fingernails originated in Japan, where nail color indicated their social rank. (False – China)

10. Sesame Street’s Snuffle-upagus’ first name is Aloysius. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ZOMBIE _______ (BULLETS)

After the rash of cannibal and zombie attacks in recent weeks, Americans are buying up Zombie Bullets at a fast pace.

They’re flying off the shelves – Americans are eating them up!

The largest independent producer of bullets in the world says their Zombie Max ammunition is in response to the flesh-eating crimes – and these bullets are the ONLY way to stop Zombies.

Hornady Manufacturing Company, an American maker of ammunition and hand-loading components has decided to cash in on current zombie terror.

Zombie Bullets are designed for those who want to be ready and fully-equipped for what the company the Zombie Apocalypse, which experts agree will occur by the end of 2012.

The Center for Disease Control has denied that there will be a Zombie Apocalypse, but many don’t trust the government.

“There are zombies in the government.  And those zombies are the ones saying that we don’t have to worry about the Zombie Apocalypse,” said Jeb Stuart of Selma, Alabama.  ”We’re going to be ready down here.  I got me enough bullets to kill three thousand zombies. And I’m going to do it.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales – specifically the story about Jonah and the whale. Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though they were very large mammals, their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was, indeed, swallowed by a whale because the Bible said so. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was scientifically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

JOKE #2

An elderly gentleman was bragging to his friend about his attractiveness to younger women. “It was during spring break – a beautiful co-ed introduced herself to me. She’s an archeology major, only 22, and she says she wants to date me!” he said excitedly.

“Now why would a woman like that want to date you?” his friend replied.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care” the gentleman grumbled. “There’s just one thing I don’t understand.”

“What’s that?” his friend inquired quizzically.

“She mentioned something about Carbon 14.”

JOKE #3

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. “But it ended,” he said, “when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”

“What did she say?” asked the friend.

The husband replied, “She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you coward!'”

USELESS FACTS

The National Institute of Mental Health says that millions of men won’t get help for mental illness because their male egos keep them from asking for help.  ***And those who do ask for mental help still don’t get it because they refuse to stop and ask for directions to the clinic.

The London Sun reports that a French company is marketing a line of environmentally-correct “green” women’s underwear made of wood. The line is called “G=9.8,” the scientific figure for the Earth’s acceleration. Their women’s underwear are made from fibers of white pine trees, but they say women won’t get splinters because the wood fibers are spun to a silky soft texture.  ***And sealed with three coats of varnish.

FEATURED FUNNIES

FORGETFUL

While on a road trip between Billings and Butte, Montana, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.  All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.  To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.  And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

MICKEY UNDERWEAR

Ever had a dress code from your employer that included your undergarments? That’s what Disney World has!

After almost 2 months at the negotiating table, the workers who wear character costumes at Disney World finally get assigned individual undergarments, which they can take home each night and clean themselves, instead of relying on Disney’s laundry staff. Workers were complaining that the undergarments were continually being given to them with lice or other bugs in them yet still forced the wear them. ***MARLAR: So when you saw Goofy walking around Disney World like he had ants in his pants… it’s because he had ANTS IN HIS PANTS!!!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE MULE, THE MONKEY, AND THE MAN

God created the mule, and told him, “You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.”
The mule answered, “To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.”
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.”
The dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.”
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.”
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”
The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so…

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MAKING CHANGES

Sometimes we think there is no way to get there from here, from where we stand. The hurdles seem insurmountable. Old habits stubbornly cling to us. We just don’t seem to be able to shake them. Sin has the upper hand. What’s wrong? Is it supposed to be this way?

First, look at Romans 6:14. “Sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace.” People receiving the grace and mercy of God are not attempting to prove they are able to make the grade. These people know they cannot make it to heaven on their own merit. They are not under law but under grace. In this status, the Bible declares, sin is not your master. You have a new King. His name is Jesus. “Jesus is Lord” (Romans 10:9). Sin remains. It no longer reigns. Since this is the case, you are able to break old habits and
form new ones. It is possible. It takes a lot of persistent practice.

Here is a second word. “Just as you presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness, resulting in further lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness, resulting in sanctification” (Romans 6:19). Practice the things pleasing to God. Do them over and over again. By the grace of God, change will result.

LEFTOVERS

WHAT A PIG!

A Minnesota man is putting a pig farm where houses should be… and boy are his neighbors squealing!

A Minnesota man wanted to build some homes in his neighborhood. He owned the land, but the people in the neighborhood said “no” to his building houses. So he’s decided to get even. If he can’t build homes, he’ll just build a pig farm instead! Marley Danner bought 40 pigs and is starting a hobby farm on his 16-acre property. He’s even posted a sign on his property to explain why he’s being such a pig about having pigs. “Houses or pigs. Your choice was not houses, so the pigs are coming soon!” ***MARLAR: Needless to say, his neighbor’s think he’s unfit for swine.

LIFE… LIVE IT

DADDY RICH

How much money do you think YOUR dad is worth?

What if you could show the value of a dad in dollars? Studies show married men and women accumulate more assets over a lifetime than single people. But suppose you could put a dollar value on fathering. Would a hug be worth $15? A game of catch worth $35? Or $100 for each time you teach a child right from wrong? There is no way to measure what a trip to the zoo is worth, or just going for a walk around the neighborhood. In fact, trying to put a price tag on the things a daddy does probably shortchanges the real value to kids who know that there is a person who loves them and likes to spend time with them. ***MARLAR: My dad takes this concept to a different level… he always looks in his Father’s Day card to see if there’s any money in it.

JUST FOR FUN

DEATH BY CHOCOLATE

The Brussels Fire Department was called to the rescue, but it wasn’t to put out a fire, to check for a gas leak, or even to rescue a poor little calico from a tree. Nope, it was to rescue a man from chocolate!  The man was cleaning a huge vat used to make Belgian chocolates, and then fell in and got stuck knee-deep in a vat of chocolate. Fortunately, someone heard him yelling for help and called the fire department. ***MARLAR: But then, if you gotta go…

FUN LIST

RULES FOR BUYING FATHER’S DAY GIFTS

  • When in doubt, buy Dad a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend owns 17 of them and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

  • If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy Dad anything with the word “ratchet” or “socket” in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey, George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

  • If you are really, really broke, buy Dad anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rearview mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

  • Do not buy Dad socks… or ties… and never buy a man a bathrobe.

  • You can buy Dad a new remote control to replace the one he wore out. If you have a lot of money, buy him a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

  • Buy Dad a label maker.  It’s almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Labels will show up for “Socks.” “Shorts.” “Cups.” “Saucers.” “Door.” “Lock.” “Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

  • Never buy Dad anything with “Some Assembly Required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

  • Good places to shop for Father’s Day gifts are Sears’ hardware department, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and NAPA Auto Parts. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need.”

  • Men enjoy danger – and your dad likely isn’t any different.  That’s why Dad doesn’t cook, but he will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh, the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

  • Tickets to a ball game – especially football – are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

  • Dads love chain saws… but never, ever, buy him one.  If you don’t know why, please refer to the label maker rule.

THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T SAY TO AN EXPECTANT MOTHER

  • “Just think, a couple more months and you’ll be able to work off all that weight you’ve gained.”

  • “Oh my gosh!  You’re so big!  Are you having twins?”

  • “You’re so lucky.  I’d love to have a baby, but instead I’m stuck going out to parties every night.”

  • “Seriously, you’re much larger than most pregnant women.  Are you sure it’s not twins?”

  • “I bet you’re so relieved that you married a cute guy.  I’m sure the baby will take after him!”

  • “It’s so brave of you to have this baby despite the fact you can’t find a guy who loves you!  That shows such strength!”

  • “Are you going to eat ALL of that cake?”

  • “I’m telling you, there is no way that’s just one baby in there, taking up all that space.  That’s definitely twins!”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

IT’S WHAT YOU CRAVE

Doreen Virtue, Ph.D. The author of “Constant Cravings A-Z” says food cravings stem from emotional needs. For example:

  1. If you crave jelly doughnuts you could be stressed out and overwhelmed.

  2. If you crave crispy French Fries you could be feeling like you should be doing something more meaningful.

  3. If you crave crispy-crust pizza with extra cheese you could be afraid of the future or anxious about something.

  4. If you crave sushi you could be bored or stuck in a rut.

  5. If you crave chunky peanut butter you could be feeling like you’re working too hard and aren’t having enough fun.

***MARLAR: And if you crave all the above foods you must be pregnant!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Remember when mom told you to stand up straight, comb your hair and quit running around? She may have been right. As it turns out, simply standing up straight can make all the difference in the way people perceive you. Actions don’t just speak louder than words — they can completely drown them out. And slouching or moving too fast through the office can make you look like an underling, according to body language experts. In fact, 55% of what you communicate is said through your body language and facial expression, according to one study. To be seen as powerful and confident on the job always stand up straight and offer a solid handshake.

Recent research from Europe suggests that eating yogurt, cottage cheese or other cultured dairy products may help protect you from type 2 diabetes. People in the study who ate 8 ounces a day of cultured dairy had a 12 percent lower risk of developing the condition than those who ate none. The probiotics in these foods may help your body produce a form of vitamin K that has been linked with decreased diabetes risk.

Humans are instinctively helpful if you do not give them too long to think about it. That is the finding of a recent study published in the journal Nature, which found evidence that our immediate impulse is to be giving an cooperative but that feeling shrinks the longer we have to ponder our kindness. “In many organizations there is a lot of emphasis placed on being as rational or reflective as possible and submerging personal instincts,” explains study lead author David Rand, who studies human evolutionary biology at Harvard. “What our results suggest is that the side effect of that is that people are more selfish.” What Rand means is that when we stop to think about our actions, our generous urges become more stingy. ***So can I have $20?  Don’t think about it – just give it to me right this second!

Bad news for morning personalities. The worst time to wake up is before 5am. And it’s best for your heart health to sleep in until 7am or 8am every day. That mantra of “early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise” is all wrong — at least in terms of health. To the delight of night owls everywhere, researchers from several universities and hospitals in the western Japanese city of Kyoto, have concluded that early-risers have a higher risk of developing heart problems than their friends who sleep in later. ***If only we could convince the boss at the radio station to let the morning show start at 9am…

At Brookwood Apartments, a complex in Indianapolis, 35-year-old assistant manager Jennifer Potter and a co-worker were cruising by the community pool in a golf cart when they saw what appeared to be a toddler in trouble in the deep end of the pool, hanging onto a raft. Potter immediately jumped off the cart and raced toward the pool. She later said, “I’m literally throwing my coat off, dropping my phone and keys. It felt like forever to get to the side of the pool.” As she was saving the toddler, she then saw the boy’s mother, who was six months’ pregnant, and unconscious under the boy. Fighting off panic and fear that she couldn’t save them both, she did manage to grab the pair and swim to safety. Then she and the co-worker called 911. Firefighters credit her with saving both lives, along with that of the unborn child. Potter, who has a 3-year-old of her own, said she was just acting on instinct and adds, “Everybody keeps telling me I’m a hero. I hope any other person would do the same thing.” (WTHR News)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Have you noticed? “Insane people are always sure that they are sane. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.” –Nora Ephron

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 08, 2018…

Hearts Beat Loud-–This is a film in which a father and his daughter decide they want to start their own band. Maybe, do a little DJ, too.  Does it work? Well, some of the time. Stars Nick Offerman and Kiersey Clemons. What is on your Play List? Offerman has Tom Watts “Get Behind The Mule” and Kiersey Clemons has “Jamming” by Bob Marley & the Wailers.” “Hearts Beat Loud” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Hereditary—This is a movie about relatives.  Specifically, dead relatives who make up a family’s history.  In this case, a family gets together after the death of the head lady of the family. To say that family history and information comes forth is putting it mildly.  This film caused a stir at the last Sundance Film Festival. Hold on to your arm rests.  The stars are Toni Collette, Gabriel Byrne, Alex Wolff and Milly Shapiro. “Hereditary” is rated R. No rating.

Hotel Artemis—The year is 2028 AD and Los Angeles is beset by riots. Sound familiar?  In this setting, criminals come to a “special” hotel to have medical treatment done. Head of the “hotel” is Jodie Foster.  So, this is what the future holds for health insurance? Also, in the cast are Sterling F. Brown, Sofia Boutella and Jeff Goldblum (what, no dinosaurs?) “Hotel Artemis” is rated R. No rating.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? —This delightful and informative documentary about one of television’s most loved people, features Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers). This talented man showed children and adults that kindness is more than just a word in the dictionary. Rogers did his own drawings and material and songs and his neighborhood was the one everyone wanted to live in. Directed by Morgan Neville, this is family entertainment. “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” is rated G. Rating of 4 for fans and you all know who you are. By the way, Tom Hanks is looking at starring as Fred Rogers in a future film.

Ocean’s 8—The “Ocean’s 11, etc.” films starring George Clooney, were classy tales of major robberies that went off like clockwork. This time, there are ladies who do the planning and the heist. Here is the cast: Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter and Awkwafina. Anne Hathaway plays the role of the rich, spoiled actress who has a diamond necklace the size of a harness. To say the character Hathaway plays is vain is putting it mildly. As you can imagine, fashion is top on the list of watchables. Basic plot is that there is pre-planning, a heist, and how to get away with it. Sandra Bullock’s character is Debbie, Danny Ocean’s sister. Each person on the team has a special skill. “Ocean’s 8” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

JUNE 15, 2018…

Incredibles 2 is the long-awaited sequel to the first “Incredibles” film with a power family. Voices of Craig T. nelson and Holly Hunter.

Superfly is a remake of the 1972 film about a drug dealer. This version stars Trevor Jackson from television’s “American Crime.”

Set It Up is a comedy where two junior executives try to match up their bosses. Stars Zoey Deutch and Glen Powell.

Tag takes the children’s game and humorously brings it into the adult world where guys try to out-do each other. Stars Jon Hamm and Ed Helms.

Gotti (this film was to have opened in the fall of 2017) stars John Travolta as John Gotti.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.