June 13, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180613
PDF: 20180613

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

You are listening to the show for the disc jockeys’ disc jockey. Yes, gang, every other disc jockey in town listens to this show. It makes them feel better about their own shows.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“One of the pillars and ornaments of his country and of his age… His time on earth was short, yet he died full of years and of glory… He has improved his own condition by improving that of his country and his kind.” – John Quincy Adams in his eulogy to James Madison

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“For this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins.” – Matthew 26:28

The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. — Psalm 19:1-2

Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. — Psalm 28:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. — Matthew 5:16

Thought: As Christians, we are not called to isolate ourselves from culture. We are not called to be hermits or monks. Instead, we are to recognize that we are in a world of darkness and live as light — not as little candles tucked away in some inner bedroom, but as candles set on their stands so all can see their light or cities on a hill that can’t be hidden. Of course, our goal is not to call attention to ourselves, but to help others see the glorious grace of our Father.

Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, may my life bless others today, and everyday, so they can see you and your love more clearly. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 6:13 NIV = Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JUNE 13, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
194 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL OPEN A WINDOW DAY, to let in the sounds and smells of spring before it’s too late.  ***(Sniff) Ah… (LOCAL FARM TOWN)… smell our dairy air!

Today is The QUEEN’S OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY, the official birthday celebration of England’s Queen Elizabeth II. Her actual birthday is April 21.  ***So she was born on April 21st, but her “official” birthday is June 13th? Would you think the “official” birthday would be on the official day you were born? And what’s so wrong with April 21st that you don’t want to celebrate your birthday on it?

Today is WORK AT HOME FATHER’S DAY, a day to honor and celebrate fathers who choose to work from home. ***By the way, if you sit in front of a computer all day long surfing and playing Solitaire – but it’s all on the same computer that you run your home business from… that still counts.

Today is NATIONAL LOBSTER DAY.  ***Lobsters are people too, you know – and you can help a lobster today by going to your local grocer or seafood restaurant, buying a live lobster, and then setting it free in the woods!

LOBSTER YUM

Hey… it’s National Lobster Day – and one man decided to be nice to the lobsters in a supermarket… almost getting himself arrested in the process!

A New York man grew upset at seeing lobsters, with rubber bands on their claws, piled atop one another in a supermarket tank, so he figured it was time to make his anger known. Joel Freedman bought a pound of scallops and, before anyone could intervene, lifted the tank lid and dumped them in. Employees at the Wegmans store quickly surrounded him. Freedman refused to leave until the Lobsters had their fill, so the police were summoned. After several more minutes of loud conversation, he exited the store on police orders not to return. Freedman argued that lobsters are inhumanely treated since they’re not fed and are often crowded into supermarket tanks. ***MARLAR: So he’s concerned about lobster overcrowding and their not being fed – but he’s totally okay with dropping lobsters, still alive, into boiling water?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Brain Injury Awareness Day
International Albinism Awareness Day
Random Acts of Light
Roller Coaster Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, JUNE 14

Army’s Birthday
Family History Day
Flag Day
International Bath Day
National Bourbon Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
(World) Blood Donor Day
National Nursing Assistants Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
Nature Photography Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
National Flip Flop Day
Prune Day
Work@Home Father’s Day

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Worldwide Day of Giving

SATURDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday
Fudge Day
Ladies’ Day (Baseball)
Mermaid Day
Polar Bear Swim
World Juggling Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 17

Dollars Against Diabetes Day
Eat Your Vegetables Day
Family Awareness Day
Father’s Day
Husband Caregiver Day
National Garbage Man Day
Stewarts Root Beer Day
Turkey Lovers Day
World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought
World Tesselation Day

MONDAY, JUNE 18

Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday (Superman)
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
Sustainable Gasteronomy Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 19

Free BSD Day
Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Juneteenth
National Watch Day
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20

American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day

ON THIS DAY

323 BC: Alexander the Great, conqueror of the entire known world, died of a fever in Babylon at age 33. Taken to Egypt, his body was preserved in honey until centuries later when Caligula desecrated the tomb.

1898: The Yukon Territory was organized in Canada; Dawson was named its capital.

1916: A U. S. patent was issued for the Peeping Tom Rifle. It featured a curved barrel and periscope and was designed to shoot around corners.

1966: In a case involving 23-year-old Ernesto Miranda, the U.S. Supreme Court granted criminal suspects the right to remain silent and to have an attorney present during questioning. Miranda was retried, convicted, sent back to prison, paroled, and stabbed to death during a 1976 card game in Phoenix.

1979: Darla Hood died. With Alfalfa, Spanky, Buckwheat, and the other Little Rascals, she entertained every generation since the 1920s.

1980: The Broadway musical Grease closed after 3,883 performances. (audio clip)

1991: An Atlanta firm paid $2.4-million for an original copy of the U.S. Declaration of Independence in New York. A flea market buff had found the document stuffed in the frame of a $4.00 painting.

1996: Marine police and bomb disposal experts swung into action when a bomb was reported bobbing around in Hong Kong harbor. Fortunately, the “bomb” turned out to be a giant sausage.

1997: Michael Jordan scored 39 points as the Chicago Bulls beat the Utah Jazz 90-86 to win their fifth NBA championship in seven years.

1999: A wren and her two chicks finally flew in Kinturk, Ireland, seven weeks after the mother bird made a nest in 16-year-old Cathy O’Hagan’s lacy bra on the family clothesline.

2003: A fisherman in Surin, Thailand, had emergency surgery to remove a live fish from his throat. The 26-year-old man was holding the fish in his mouth so his hands would be free to hold a fishing rod and rebait the line. But the fish pushed its way further into his mouth and got jammed in his throat. He managed to get home and his wife took him to a hospital.

2005: In Olathe, Kansas, a 17-year-old student was charged with battery after he threw up on his Spanish teacher. Witnesses told police the boy did it on purpose. A month later the juvenile was convicted and sentenced to four months cleaning up vomit from police cars.

2005: In Santa Maria, California, a jury acquitted singer Michael Jackson of charges he molested a 13-year-old cancer survivor at Jackson’s Neverland ranch.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1231: Anthony of Padua dies at age 36. His mentor, Francis of Assisi, wrote early in his ministry, “It pleases me that you teach sacred theology to the brothers, as long as—in the words of the Rule—you ‘do not extinguish the Spirit of prayer and devotion’ with study of this kind.” With this blessing, Anthony went on to a life of teaching and preaching, becoming the most popular and effective preacher of his day.

1525: German reformer Martin Luther marries Katherine von Bora, 16 years his younger, having sneaked her and several other nuns out of their Cistercian convent in empty herring barrels two years earlier. Many viewed the marriage, which lasted 21 happy years, as a scandal.

1910: Many Christians are killed in the Boxer rebellion in China, an anti-foreigner movement sponsored by the empress.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actresses & billionaires (“Full House”) Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen 32 ***Wow – what are the odds they’d both be born on the same day! (audio clip)

  • Actor (Toy Story, “Last Man Standing”, “Home Improvement,” The Santa Clause) Tim Allen, 65 (audio clip)

  • actor (“The Waltons”) Richard Thomas is 66 (audio clip)

  • actor (Die Hard With A Vengeance, Star Trek: Generations, Batman Vs Superman) Malcolm McDowell 75

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1940 : Bobby Freeman

1949 : Dennis Locorriere (Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show)

1951 : Howard Leese (Heart)

1954 : Bo Donaldson (Robert Walter Donaldson

1955 : Jorge Santana (Malo)

1957 : Rolf Brendel (Nena)

1963 : Paul DeLisle (Smash Mouth)

1968 : David Gray

1969 : Soren Rasted (Aqua)

1970 : Rivers Cuomo (Weezer)

1985 : Raz B (B2K)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we call that children’s game hopscotch?

Well if the kids played it on a tartan-design playing area, the name might be self-evident. But not only is that not the etymology, the origin of the name has nothing to do with any part of the British Isles either. The game – called scotch hoppers in the seventeenth century – is played on squares cut into the ground or marked on pavement. The name was derived from the Old French word “escocher,” which meant to cut or mark. It was anglicized to “scotch.” From the same source, we get butterscotch (didn’t you ever wonder about that) which is simply butter-colored candy cut into squares.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A 26-year-old man was naked when Florida (New Port Richey) deputies said he broke into a home and fought with the residents on Friday evening. The intruder was naked and armed with a rake. ***It’s an ingenious plan!  Not only can you not be charged with using a deadly weapon, but when you’re running away from the scene nobody can identify you by your clothing!  Brilliant!

Harvard scientists say the formula to living longer is diet, exercise, weight management, no excessive drinking and not smoking. ***But then, at that point, what is there left to live for?

Argentina’s peso has plunged to a record low.  ***In fact, you’re now better off making money by investing in VHS players.

The University of West Alabama is prohibiting students form sending harsh text messages.  ***To which one student replied, “Oh yeah?  Tell that to Trump!” and everyone had a big laugh.

Talk about road rage gone mad! Police in New Tripoli, Pennsylvania, say two men got into an argument around 8:45 in the morning in a road rage incident, and it ended with one man pooping on the other guy! No quite sure how that happens but we’re not kidding. The altercation happened in Heidelberg Township, which is located about 17 miles north of Allentown. Police did not say what sparked the fight or how it escalated, or exactly how one man poops on another.  ***That’s a good question – how does that go down in a street fight?  “Okay, I’ve pummeled you to the ground, and I know you want to get up and continue swinging at me, but first, just lay there for a few seconds while I pull down my pants and squat over you.  Don’t move now or we’ll have to do it again…”

In Florida, workers arrived early and began tearing off the roof of a home, only to find out that they were one house off and were ripping out the roof of the wrong home.  ***But then, this is Florida so it’s probably one of the lesser strange news stories we’ll hear about today.

IHOP announced their name change only as a temporary promotion, with the new IHOb being used to promote the fact they now serve burgers.  ***Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.  For example, IHOP just committed a New Coke.

At an Eminem concert in Tennessee Saturday night, he included sound effects of gunshots in his concert. ***Gee, it’s a good thing society is totally cool with guns and shooting and wouldn’t be offended one little bit by something like this, isn’t it?

Research from Parks Associates finds nearly 40% of U.S. broadband households now have at least two streaming video service subscriptions. ***Three for us.  Four if you count YouTube Red.  And we still struggle to find something worth watching not filled with graphic language and sex.  Does Sesame Street have a streaming channel?

Lil Kim has filed bankruptcy after going $4 million in debt.  ***Maybe Lil Kim can get a loan from Lil Tay.

Sea World has banned straws and plastic bags in its parks.  ***So you’re stuck using paper bags… in a place surrounded by water.  What could possibly go wrong?

Vince Vaughn has been arrested on suspicion of DUI and resisting arrest.  ***Police are also on the lookout for Owen Wilson – because you know he’s involved somewhere with this.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

New proof that big butts are huge: More than 13,000 people in the United States paid a plastic surgeon to enhance their butts last year, according to a report by the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. Butt-boosting surgeries were among the fastest growing cosmetic surgeries last year. ***It’s nice to know I’m ahead of the curve on something for a change.

Scientists are developing computer chips that could be put in food packaging to alert you when the contents go bad. ***Maybe we could put these inside politicians to let us know when they’re beginning to spoil too?

New studies are suggesting that not all generic drugs are the same as their name brand supposed equals. Troubling reactions and a series of recalls are making some doctors wonder if generic drugs are as safe as the FDA says they are. ***Bad news for me – I suffer from placebositis!

More medical care won’t necessarily make you healthier – it may make you sicker. It’s an idea that technology-loving Americans find hard to believe. A new study seems to indicate that anywhere from one-fifth to nearly one-third of the tests and treatments we get are estimated to be unnecessary, and potentially sicker. ***Probably from seeing the medical bills for unnecessary treatments.

Do you watch TV without another screen in your hand? You may soon be in the minority. TV viewing is increasingly becoming a multi-screen experience. This is especially true for owners of tablets and smartphones in the U.S., 40% of whom use their devices on a daily basis while watching TV. ***It’s the perfect solution for people who need something to do during commercial breaks but are too lazy to get up to head to the fridge or go to the bathroom.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was racking his brain and working his limbs to the bone trying to find a way to do something better than Steve Mozart. Mozart composed better music, built a better sandcastle than Millard, built a longer and stronger bridge than Millard, and now even Millard’s new boat has problems…

CLOSE: Why is it so important for Millard to beat Mozart at something? Has he never seen the movie, Amadeus? Apparently not. Tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A father and son in West Virginia argued over the best way to prepare skinless chicken for dinner, and end up in a very dangerous and stupid Moment of Duh! 

Unfortunately, one of the secret herbs and spices in this recipe turned out to be lead. What started out as a physical confrontation, soon escalated into a gunfight. Police say each man fired a .22-caliber handgun at the other. Harley Shrader was struck by a bullet that went through the upper part of his right ear and lodged in the back of his head. He was treated at a hospital and released. The father was not injured. ***MARLAR: Oh, by the way… Happy Father’s Day!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO DURING YOUR DRIVER’S TEST

10. Rate your instructor.

9. As you drive mumble commentary as if your car is driving the Indy 500, “Oh my gosh they’re heading into turn four too fast.”

8. When the test examiner gets in put on a blind fold and say, “I’m such a good driver I can do this without looking!”

7. Ask if they can make the test quick, ’cause you need to get your license plates back on the owner’s car.

6. Play punch-Bug with the DMV examiner.

5. Use your cell phone to report yourself as a suspicious driver.

4. Pull out a braille map just before starting the car.

3. Keep asking the instructor if he notices that car following you.

2. Use a hearse as the test vehicle. Ask if the “guy in the back” is considered a ‘”passenger.”

1. Acknowledge every instruction with “10-4, Rubber Duckie.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man gets fired for foiling a robbery… despite the fact that he’s a bank guard!

FILE #1: A man walks into a bank wearing pantyhose and a bandana. He yells out, ”I’ve got a gun and I’m going to shoot the first person who moves. Give me the money or I’ll start shooting.” The bank guard sneaks up on the robber who is six inches taller than him, wraps his arms around the robber and shuffles him out a back door where he wrestles him to the ground, slapping handcuffs on him. The FBI pats him on the back and tells him he did the right thing. That he is a hero. What do you suppose the bank did? They fired him. Why did Charter One Bank in Cleveland fire him? They say he’s only there to be a deterrent and get a good description of the robber.

FILE #2: First mistake: Robbing a bank. Second mistake: Returning the rental car used for the getaway. Police say Tony Abercrombie was arrested while he tried to return a car to Enterprise Rent-A-Car. They say the car was used in a bank robbery less than an hour before in nearby Meta, Kentucky. Abercrombie is now charged with robbery and faces extradition to Kentucky.

FILE #3: In Toronto, Canada, two men tried to obtain a huge line of credit from a bank. They put up as collateral $25 billion in fake U.S. government bonds. These bonds pictured former president Grover Cleveland and were supposedly issued in 1930. And on the back of the bonds was the complete address of the Federal Reserve Bank in Washington, D.C., right down to the zip code. And that’s where their grand plan went wrong. The zip code wasn’t introduced until 1963. Busted!

STRANGE LAW: In Long Beach, California, it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

I’m not sure WHOSE brain is actually on drugs in this story – if anybody’s, but it’s still a great story.

A traveler has managed to make a $10,000 drug score in Japan. The problem is that he doesn’t even know it. It seems that an officer at Narita International Airport planted some marijuana into a random black suitcase coming off an overseas flight so that a drug sniffing dog could get some practice. However, the dog couldn’t find it and the officer forgot which bag he put it in. Airport officials are asking that if the passenger finds it in their suitcase, to please return it.

PHONER PHUN

Have you ever been to a class reunion? Was it a good experience, or a bad one? I skipped mine for fear that I’d be fatter than everybody else… but I hear I do have more hair! What was YOUR class reunion experience?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the third son of Adam and Eve?
ANSWER: Seth (Genesis 4:25)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What can be driven, but has no wheels, and can be sliced, and still remain whole?

ANSWER: A golf ball.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Shakespeare invented the expression, “Laugh it off.” (True)

2. Every U.S. President that has had a beard has been Democrat. (False – Republican)

3. There are 218 peanuts in a 28-ounce jar of Jif peanut butter. (False, there are 1,218)

4. The blood pressure of a healthy human is about the same as that of a spider. (True)

5. The Roadrunner in the cartoons never spoke. (False – he spoke once. The first and last time the Roadrunner spoke was in the 1951 Bugs Bunny cartoon, Operation: Rabbit.)

6. During World War II, it was against the law in Germany to name a horse Adolf. (True)

7. Americans use more than 116,000 tons of aspirin a year. (False – 16,000 tons)

8. Every square inch of the human body has an average of 32 million bacteria on it. (True. Eww.)

9. The shoestring was invented in England in 1890. (False, 1790. And prior to this time all shoes were fastened with buckles.)

10. Rome has more homeless cats per square mile than any other city in the world. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GLOBAL _______ THREATENS EARTH! (COOLING!)

Shocked scientists told reporters that the Earth is cooling at a dramatic and alarming rate.

Global warming  has been the subject of so many discussions in recent years, but scientists now say that the world is not warming, but instead is becoming cooler – by the day!

According to scientists from the Pulkovo Observatory in St.Petersburg, solar activity is decreasing significantly, so the average yearly temperature will decline at a rapid rate.

Scientists from Britain and the US are forecasting a 5-10 degree (Fahrenheit) drop in global temperatures – over the next five years!

“This is catastrophic for the planet,” said Dr. John Malley, the head of the U.N. Panel on Global Cooling.   “The United Nations is issuing an alert to all the countries on the planet.  The planet could very well freeze over entirely by 2100.”

Scientists predict that most major cities that are on the coast, will be frozen over in the next thirty years.  ”There’s nothing we can do to stop it. The sun is just not as powerful as it used to be,” said Dr. Malley.

Experts say that the Arctic ice is getting thicker by the day.  ”Even places like Jamaica will have an average daily temperature of only 40 degrees (Fahrenheit) within five years.”

Solar activity follows different cycles, including an 11-year cycle, a 90-year cycle and a 200-year cycle.  Scientist predict that this “cold spell” will last 200-250 years and by that time, all life on earth will have been extinguished.

“We are in for a cooling period that lasts 200-250 years. The period of low solar activity won’t end until about 2275.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?”
His teacher says, “I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the Principal’s office!”
The little boy goes up to the Principal’s office, and the Principal asks him, “What are you doing up here, son?”
The little boy replies, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?”
The Principal says, “I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!”
So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, “What are you doing home so early?”
“I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, and the Principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?”
His mother says, “Go up to your room! You’re going to bed without dinner. I’ll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home.”
So the little boy goes up to his room, and about 5:00 his dad got home from work. He went up to the boy’s room and said, “Your mom tells me you’ve been a bad boy. What did you do?”
“Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What’s the yellow flower?”
His dad says, “Get out of my house son! I don’t ever want to see you again!”
The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later and policeman stopped him. He asked him why he was walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, “Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?”

The policeman says, “That’s enough of that! You’re going to jail for 99 years!”
99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started. As he was crossing the street, he got hit by a car and he died.
What’s the moral of the story?

Look both ways before crossing the street.

JOKE #2

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.  He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.  Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”

He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.

JOKE #3

A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist’s office wearing a dancer’s tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.

The psychologist, humoring him, asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

The man answers, “Well, Doc, I’m worried about my brother…”

USELESS FACTS

American President Calvin Coolidge used to like Vaseline being rubbed on his head while he ate breakfast in bed.  ***And you don’t want to know what happened when his butler mixed up the Vaseline and the butter.

In an attempt to curb child obesity, a West Virginia school district once implemented the interactive dancing video game “Dance, Dance Revolution.” ***This is a much better idea than what they did back in the 1980’s with FROGGER.

FEATURED FUNNIES

CARPOOL

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his carpool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: “I have a last minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave.”
At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped back at his desk and found this note: “Meet us at the restaurant across the street. You drove, you idiot.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Is it “FORGIVE US OUR DEBTS”, or is it “FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES”? For some, this slight difference is enough to fight about!

About 12 people were injured when a brawl erupted in a church in New Castle, Australia.  Believe it or not, the fight broke out over how to say the Lord’s Prayer. Some thought the line was “forgive us our trespasses” while others thought it was “forgive us our debts.”  ***MARLAR: Either way, it seems they were led into temptation and not delivered from evil.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MOMENTS FOR LOVE

By: Joseph J. Mazzella

I had a three dog couch waiting on me when I got home this morning. As I came through the front door I saw that each cushion on my couch had a little, furry ball curled up on it, sleeping peacefully. I smiled when I saw this and petted each of them lovingly as I walked by. It only took a few seconds of my time, but it filled my heart with joy.

As we go through our often busy days it is funny how the best parts of them seem to be those little moments we make for sharing love. They take so little of our time and yet the rewards they bring us are beyond belief. They strengthen our hearts, uplift our souls, and energize our bodies. They make our lives a joy to live and a delight to share. They bring us peace, happiness, goodness, and most of all oneness with God. Three of the most important words in the Bible are: “God is love.” Every moment we spend living in love then is a moment spent living in oneness with God.

Try to spend and share some moments for love in your own life today. Pet your dogs, cuddle your cats, and feed the birds. Hug your loved ones, look them in the eye, and say “I love you.” Smile at the cashier in the store, give a compliment to a friend, and share a good laugh at work. Open a door for a stranger, help an elderly person with their bags, and do a few random acts of kindness when no one is looking. They only take a few seconds each day, but they bring you joy for a lifetime.

It takes so little time to live in love. It takes so few moments to share that love with the world. It is these moments, however, that join your heart to God’s and fill your life with light. Don’t miss out on them. Make time for them and choose them every day of your life. Moments of love lead to a lifetime of love and a lifetime of love leads to an eternity of love.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

FOCUS ON BEING

READ: Matthew 6:25-34

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin. —Matthew 6:28

During a small-group exercise at a seminar, we were asked to introduce ourselves without referring to our occupations. The challenge was to explain who we are instead of telling what we do. It was not easy to focus on being instead of doing.

Dr. William H. Thomas, a geriatric specialist, has pointed out that babies begin life by being. As we approach adulthood, the emphasis shifts to accomplishment. Then, as we grow older and our energy wanes, we must refocus on being. “Elderhood brings us full circle,” Thomas says, “to a life that favors being over doing. This is a gift of great value.”

But the search for being isn’t confined to the sunset years. Jesus said that the proper focus is the antidote for anxiety at any age. He told His followers to look at the birds and flowers, which are not defined by what they do, and yet God cares for them.

Oswald Chambers said: “‘Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow’ . . . they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars, and the moon—all of these simply are as well, yet what a ministry and service they render.”

As Christians, our value to God comes not from what we do for Him, but in what we are to Him. Our being—more than our doing—glorifies His name.

 —David C. McCasland

We’re members of God’s family,
We’re children of the King;
Because we’ve put our faith in Christ,
To us He’ll always cling.  —Sper

You are one of a kind—designed to glorify God as only you can.

LEFTOVERS

Some airlines will do anything to make you pay more!

The Air Transport Association reports that among the tricks airlines are considering for cutting costs and upping revenues is the idea of treating passengers as cargo. They’d have to be weighed like baggage before takeoff and be charged by how much they weigh.  ***MARLAR: Isn’t that discrimination against Americans?

LIFE… LIVE IT

How dumb do you have to be if you can’t even mow the grass without professional help?

I’ve told you before that I don’t do yard work at our house, right?  Yesterday I thought I’d surprise Robin and get the lawn mowed before she got home from work, but our gas-powered mower is in the shop, and our backup electric lawn mower refused to cooperate with me. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for Robin to get home.  She had a good laugh when she diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

JUST FOR FUN

THE BIGGER THEY COME

There may be an UP side to being a little overweight. That is if you ever fall DOWN.

Heavy set people have a better chance of surviving a fall from a cliff or tall building than skinny people do. In a brand new worldwide survey of falling cases, those who were 15 to 30 pounds overweight had a much better survival rate than people who were at a healthier weight. Doctors say the extra layer of fat may protect the body from internal injuries.  ***MARLAR: And here I am wasting my time dieting!

FUN LIST

PARENT’S GLOSSARY OF KID’S KITCHEN TERMS

  • APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.

  • BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic “Yuck” before a food is even tasted.

  • CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

  • CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

  • COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

  • DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.

  • EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

  • FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

  • FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

  • FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

  • FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking.

  • FROZEN: Condition of children’s jaws when spinach is served.

  • FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

  • GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.

  • KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

  • LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as “gross.”

  • LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

  • LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don’t have to pay dental bills.

  • MACARONI: Material for a collage.

  • MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

  • NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

  • NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.

  • NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.

  • PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.

  • REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

  • SODA POP: Shake’N Spray.

  • TABLE: A place for storing gum.

  • TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument

  • THIRSTY: How your child feels after you’ve said your final “good night.”

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SLEEPING ON THE JOB

Very soon, sleeping on the job may be a good thing!

What makes a job a great job? Excellent pay? Bonuses? Maybe the benefits? What about a nice afternoon nap? The United Kingdom Sleep Council has called for an end to the nine-to-five work day. They want more flexible hours for everyone. A recent survey shows that the majority of people are not fully alert in the middle of the day – so the sleep council is asking for companies to have a siesta time… a time for rest in the middle of the day. ***MARLAR: We love this idea here, so we’re introducing a new schedule.  We’ll do the morning show from 6a-8a, take a nap for an hour, and then finish up from 9a-10a.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Wanna complain about your hubby or job or life in general? Get it off your chest by talking to your dog or cat or even your horse. A Petside.com survey found that one-third of gals feel pets are better listeners than their partners. Los Angeles veterinarian Karen Sueda isn’t surprised. “Pets are great because the provide us with unconditional support,” she notes. “They never talk back, never give us the wrong opinion and are always there for us. “As much as we love our spouses or significant others, sometimes they are not there. Sometimes, especially when it’s a male, they want to solve the problem rather than just listen.”

Parents say trying to deal with their 14-year-old daughters is the toughest according to a survey at TheBabyWebsite.com. In fact, nearly 70 percent of parents who have both teenage boys and girls say their daughters are the “worst.” Moms and dads complained that 14-year-old girls are “moody and sullen.” Instead of school, they’re most interested in landing a boyfriend, buying makeup and hanging out with pals. They also began experimenting with booze, became ultra worried about their weight and tossed tantrums. Two-thirds of the parents blamed the sudden surge of hormones for turning their teens into terrors. “They are often confused and scared by their hormone driven mood swings,” says a survey source. “Add peer pressure to the raging hormones and it’s hardly surprising that teenagers throw the odd tantrum.”

Do you have a tough time getting to the gym? Move your training to 6am the best time to work out to stay consistent, according to data from Jawbone, maker of fitness trackers, on more than a million of their users. Not a dawn riser? The third best time for consistent workouts was 9am. Second place was 5am, but to heck with that! (Men’s Fitness)

Those who have a higher sense of purpose in life and believe their lives are useful appear to live longer. Although it’s not clear why, believing there is a reason you are here on Earth lowers your risk of death and your risk of developing cardiovascular disease, according to researchers from the Mt. Sinai St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital, New York. The study showed a 20 percent lower risk of death for participants with a high sense of purpose in life. This held even after adjusting for other factors. A higher sense of purpose in life was also related to a lower risk of cardiovascular events. Both associations remained significant on analysis of various subgroups, including country, how purpose in life was measured and whether the studies included participants with pre-existing cardiovascular disease.

People who are happy and enjoy life have a lower risk of premature death as they age, HealthDay News reports of research from the University College London. Why? Enjoying life can lower stress, and that in turn can lead to longevity. A study found that those who consistently said they enjoyed life were 24 percent less likely to die during the study’s follow-up period, compared with those who said they find little joy in their lives. This was an observational study. That is, there is no cause-and-effect relationship between enjoying life and living longer. And being happy doesn’t mean you will automatically enjoy good health. However, while other factors that were not measured by the British team could be responsible for the extra years of life, the findings do support the hypothesis that a positive outlook is relevant to your future health.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Stories to get your dander up! Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Doctors will tell you that anxiety is hard on your health, and I hate when they say that because it makes me nervous. –James Lileks

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 08, 2018…

Hearts Beat Loud-–This is a film in which a father and his daughter decide they want to start their own band. Maybe, do a little DJ, too.  Does it work? Well, some of the time. Stars Nick Offerman and Kiersey Clemons. What is on your Play List? Offerman has Tom Watts “Get Behind The Mule” and Kiersey Clemons has “Jamming” by Bob Marley & the Wailers.” “Hearts Beat Loud” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Hereditary—This is a movie about relatives.  Specifically, dead relatives who make up a family’s history.  In this case, a family gets together after the death of the head lady of the family. To say that family history and information comes forth is putting it mildly.  This film caused a stir at the last Sundance Film Festival. Hold on to your arm rests.  The stars are Toni Collette, Gabriel Byrne, Alex Wolff and Milly Shapiro. “Hereditary” is rated R. No rating.

Hotel Artemis—The year is 2028 AD and Los Angeles is beset by riots. Sound familiar?  In this setting, criminals come to a “special” hotel to have medical treatment done. Head of the “hotel” is Jodie Foster.  So, this is what the future holds for health insurance? Also, in the cast are Sterling F. Brown, Sofia Boutella and Jeff Goldblum (what, no dinosaurs?) “Hotel Artemis” is rated R. No rating.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? —This delightful and informative documentary about one of television’s most loved people, features Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers). This talented man showed children and adults that kindness is more than just a word in the dictionary. Rogers did his own drawings and material and songs and his neighborhood was the one everyone wanted to live in. Directed by Morgan Neville, this is family entertainment. “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” is rated G. Rating of 4 for fans and you all know who you are. By the way, Tom Hanks is looking at starring as Fred Rogers in a future film.

Ocean’s 8—The “Ocean’s 11, etc.” films starring George Clooney, were classy tales of major robberies that went off like clockwork. This time, there are ladies who do the planning and the heist. Here is the cast: Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter and Awkwafina. Anne Hathaway plays the role of the rich, spoiled actress who has a diamond necklace the size of a harness. To say the character Hathaway plays is vain is putting it mildly. As you can imagine, fashion is top on the list of watchables. Basic plot is that there is pre-planning, a heist, and how to get away with it. Sandra Bullock’s character is Debbie, Danny Ocean’s sister. Each person on the team has a special skill. “Ocean’s 8” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

JUNE 15, 2018…

Incredibles 2 is the long-awaited sequel to the first “Incredibles” film with a power family. Voices of Craig T. nelson and Holly Hunter.

Superfly is a remake of the 1972 film about a drug dealer. This version stars Trevor Jackson from television’s “American Crime.”

Set It Up is a comedy where two junior executives try to match up their bosses. Stars Zoey Deutch and Glen Powell.

Tag takes the children’s game and humorously brings it into the adult world where guys try to out-do each other. Stars Jon Hamm and Ed Helms.

Gotti (this film was to have opened in the fall of 2017) stars John Travolta as John Gotti.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.