June 14 ,2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

ODT: 20170614
PDF: 20170614

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)



Got a ticket today. I tried to explain that I’m a Christian and no longer bound by the law, but apparently that argument is not valid… plus, red light cameras aren’t religious.

I washed my headphones, but I forgot to put a Downy sheet in the dryer, and they keep clinging to my ears.


Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. — Romans 12:12

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. — Colossians 3:13

An evil man is trapped by his sinful talk, but a righteous man escapes trouble. — Proverbs 12:13


(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! — 2 Corinthians 5:17

Thought: “New and Improved!” That should be stamped across the forehead of every Christian! When we come to Christ, he makes us new and he cleanses us of all our sins. Incredibly, this grace can be “new every morning” because of God’s faithfulness and transforming power. God’s grace and power are given to us through his Holy Spirit. We are new and improved, and will continue to be that way until we are completely transformed to be like Jesus! (See 2 Corinthians 3:18)

Prayer: Holy Father, have your way with my heart, my will, my life, and my time. I want to yield myself to you so that you can make me new and improved. I don’t want to be satisfied with where you have brought me. No, dear Father, I want to become more like Jesus today, and each day of my life that follows. Thank you for your empowering grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 6:14 NIV = For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.


(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)

Today is NATIONAL POP GOES THE WEASEL DAY. ***Unless you’ve outgrown the nursery rhyme and are now a teenager – at which point it becomes “Pop Goes The Pimple Day”.

Today is FLAG DAY in the U.S.  We adopted Old Glory as our national flag on this date on June 14, 1777.

Flag Do’s and Don’ts (from the U.S. code):

  • Do fly the flag from sunup to sundown.  Do not fly the flag overnight unless it’s in a well-lit area.

  • Don’t display Old Glory with its blue field of stars facing down — that’s a signal of extreme distress and you’ll likely get a visit from law enforcement making sure everything is okay.

  • Do keep the flag from touching anything below it.

  • Don’t raise the flag in rain, sheet, snow, etc.

  • Do destroy a seen-better-days banner in a dignified manner, preferably by burning it (but only after cutting the stars section away from the stripes section, that way it is no longer a U.S. flag and can respectfully be burned).


Call Your Doctor Day
International Albinism Awareness Day
World Pet Memorial Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)


Army’s Birthday
Family History Day
Flag Day
International Bath Day
National Bourbon Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
(World) Blood Donor Day


Career Nurse Assistants Day
Dump The Pump Day
Global Wind Day
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
Nature Photography Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
Recess At Work Day
World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Worldwide Day of Giving


Fudge Day
Ladies’ Day
National Flip Flop Day
Ugliest Dog Day
Work@Home Father’s Day


Eat Your Vegetables Day
Stewarts Root Beer Day
World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought
Dollars Against Diabetes Day
Polar Bear Swim
World Juggling Day


Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday
Family Awareness Day
Father’s Day
Husband Caregiver Day
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Turkey Lovers Day

Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day


American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day


1846: A group of American settlers in Sonoma proclaimed the Republic of California.

1943: The Supreme Court ruled schoolchildren could not be compelled to salute the U.S. flag if doing so conflicted with their religious beliefs.

1951: Univac 1, the world’s first commercial computer, was publicly demonstrated for the first time – it had originally been built for the U.S. Census Bureau. ***And they STILL can’t take an accurate census.

1953: Elvis Presley was graduated from Humes High School in Memphis.

1954: U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower signed an order adding the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance.

1965: Paul McCartney recorded “Yesterday,” a song he affectionately called “Scrambled Eggs.”

1976: The Gong Show debuted on NBC. Host Chuck Barris introduced amateur acts, the worst of which were “gonged” by a panel of judges. ***Rejects went on to have successful careers in radio. (audio clip)

1984: Madame Tussaud’s Waxworks in London unveiled a wax Boy George on George’s 23rd birthday.

1986: The Mississippi Army National Guard placed a new Goddess of Liberty statue atop the Texas State Capitol building in Austin after the Texas National Guard failed 26 times to position the statue correctly.

1989: Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor was arrested in Beverly Hills for slapping a motorcycle patrolman. ***Come now… you’re just jealous that you didn’t think of it first.

1996: Cal Ripken Jr. played in his 2,216th straight game with Baltimore, breaking an endurance record set by Japan’s Sachio Kinugasa. The Orioles beat the Royals 6-1.

1997: A 1939 comic book that featured the debut of Batman was auctioned in New York for $68,500. ***Gosh, I have a ton of Batman comics that are MUCH newer than THAT! How much do you think someone would pay for a FRESH comic book?!? I could be a gazillionaire!

2003: A father of 63 children in the United Arab Emirates married for the 12th time in a bid to ensure his place in the Guinness Book of Records with 100 offspring. The 53-year-old’s latest bride was 18. Dad’s name is Dad. Dad Mohammad Murad already had 30 sons and 33 daughters.

2005: A woman searching for aluminum cans in a trash bin in Framingham, Massachusetts, was dumped into the back of a garbage truck after the driver emptied the bin without realizing she was inside. The 38-year-old woman avoided major injury after a worker installing carpet nearby heard her screams and alerted the truck driver, who was about to press the compacting button.


847: Methodius, an Eastern church leader who fought vigorously for icons to be preserved and venerated, dies of dropsy. He had earlier survived seven years of imprisonment with a decaying corpse, as ordered by officials under iconoclastic Emperor Theophilus. Upon Theophilus’s death his wife, Theodora, took Methodius’s side, and he was named Patriarch of Constantinople.

1715: Robert Norden became licensed pastor of the Baptist congregation in Prince George County — the first Baptist church organized within the American colony of Virginia.

1811: Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin and daughter of Congregationalist minister Lyman Beecher, is born in Litchfield, Connecticut. When she met Abraham Lincoln in 1863, he reportedly said, “So you’re the little woman who wrote the book that made this great war!”

1936: Death of G. K. Chesterton, an influential Roman Catholic apologist and wit, noted for his use of paradox.

1940: Auschwitz, largest of the Nazi concentration camps, was first opened near Krakow, Poland. Before its liberation by the Allies in 1945, over 3 million Jews would be exterminated there.


1956: President Eisenhower signed a congressional resolution which added the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance. The last phrase now reads: “…one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”


1966: The Vatican announced that its Index of Prohibited Books (created by Pope Paul IV in 1557) had been abolished.


1984: The Southern Baptist Convention passed a resolution opposing the ordination of women for ministry in the Baptist Church.


  • actress (Son of the Mask, Layla Baileygates in Me, Myself & Irene, and Natalie Teeger on TV’s “Monk”) Traylor Howard 46 (audio clip)

  • tennis pro Steffi Graf 47

  • Actress (“Baywatch,” “Nash Bridges”) Yasmine Bleeth 49 (audio clip)

  • Businessman/TV personality Donald Trump 71 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“227,” “The Jeffersons”) Marla Gibbs 86 (audio clip)


(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Burl Ives

1910 : Nappy Lamare

1931 : Junior Walker

1936 : Obie Benson (The Four Tops)

1941 : Jr. Walker (Junior Walker & The All Stars)

1945 : Rod Argent (The Zombies, Argent)

1947 : Barry Melton (Country Joe & The Fish, Dinosaurs)

1949 : Alan White (Yes)

1952 : Jim Lea (Slade)

1958 : Nick Van Ede (Cutting Crew)

1961 : Boy George (Culture Club)

1963 : Chris DeGarmo (Queensrÿche)

1971 : Billie Myers

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do they turn off the cabin lights on planes before takeoff?

Turning the lights off whenever it was time for the in-flight meal… I could understand that. I’m always guessing what the food is anyway. And no one wants to see someone get airsick, so they should turn off the lights then too… but for takeoffs? Why? All the better for you to see the sights outside, folks. There’s nothing technical about it, and it’s that simple. At night, especially, the lights are quite pretty, particularly once you’re airborne and you can see them sparkle all over the city. You say you’re sitting in an aisle seat? So why don’t they do blackouts for landings? Because people then are more concerned with getting their stuff together for departure. And how else would you see the attendants’ insincere smiles when they thank you for flying with them?


This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Josh Wilson is dreaming small. He posted a picture this week of a SUV pulling a small camper with the words Dream Small. He says more information will be coming soon. https://twitter.com/joshwilson/status/872556848976625666/photo/1

Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey might want to stop listening to his friends. He posted this week: That one time, you go to the Dominican with a bum leg and your Compassion leaders convince you going on a rafting trip would be a good idea. Attached was a picture of Mike being swept over the side and into the rapids. https://www.instagram.com/p/BVAe7xrDWTp/

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is thankful for her mom’s training. She posted: “Thankful my mama taught me how to sew because my heart broken little boy needed his best friend’s arm sewn back on today.” Now Megan doesn’t clarify but we’re assuming her son’s best friend is a stuffed animal! #mommingsohard

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says he started his first day back in America off right. He posted a picture in front of Cracker Barrel. https://www.instagram.com/p/BU9n8arlKE1/

Jason Gray had his appliance repair hat on this week. He post a picture of the “guts and bolts of my dryer”. Jason added that it wasn’t how he planned to spend his Tuesday morning, but sometimes life requires you to be an adult.


Question of the day from Revive Our Hearts: What kind of effort and sacrifice are you willing to make in order to grow in wisdom?

Chris Tomlin has found the secret to improving his golf game. He admitted in a video that his golf game is horrible but said that he finally found a driver that works well. However, when he asked golf pro Ben Crane why it worked so well he was in for a little ribbing. Ben informed Chris that it was a women’s club. He said: Nancy Lopez just called. She want’s her golf club back. https://www.instagram.com/p/BU9uRQ2gcCg/

Matthew West is out with an acoustic video for his new song Broken Things. Check it out and then let Matthew know what you think in the comments section. https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=82s&v=GSd9_Yv0vMI

Jordan Feliz announced a new blog by his wife Jamie this week. He posted: So my beautiful wifey has been talking about starting a blog since we got married nearly 6 years ago. I am so proud and excited to share with everyone that she has officially gone live with #LivinLaVidaFeliz. Go subscribe, follow & support! She has the most beautiful heart and the way she writes just pours it out to people! https://www.instagram.com/p/BVAsgi5lcRH/

Hillsong United’s Taya Smith says traveling and lay overs give her time to really think. Some of her topics of thought include:

-how good is Australia

-their staff retreats

-I thought I knew a little bit about loving people – turns out I really don’t



(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )


You may be surprised to know, 30% of hiring managers think this is a big red flag when interviewing someone. What is it? Bad breath. ***Red flag? More like blacklisted if I’m the one interviewing you!

A man who was caught on video carrying a urinal out a pub in England turned himself in. The man told police he had taken the urinal as a “souvenir”. ***Let this be a lesson to you, bar owners – never ever run out of matchbooks!

When Bethany Bowker woke up and went outside, she found her car and her driveway splattered with human poop! She lives near Salt Lake City International Airport and believes the disgusting mess was the result of a plane leaking its waste overhead. Video footage she posted shows her driveway covered in small brown fragments. Later she turns the camera to her car, showing her doors, hood, wheels and windshield covered in the waste. Blue ice is the name given to the frozen sewage that is leaked from a plane passing overhead. It consists of human waste and liquid disinfectant. The Federal Aviation Administration said it periodically receives reports of blue ice falling on a house. Sadly they don’t provide any advice on how to clean up blue ice. ***Well that’s easy – you tell the airline that you’ll call your lawyer if they don’t come and clean it up themselves.

Do restaurant calorie counts work? The theory is that when we see calorie counts on menus, we’ll choose healthier and less fat-filled items. The reality is it doesn’t work that way. Calorie labeling on menus appears to have very little impact on what we choose to eat. ***Actually, I find the calorie counts helpful – I know the higher the calories, the more delicious my meal is going to be.

A study says a one hour nap after lunch may improve a person’s mental function. ***I can attest to that. In fact, every day after lunch I usually take a four-hour nap… you know… to improve my mind for the benefit of my employer. And that’s the story I’m sticking with.

A group of janitors in China were promised new boots by their employer. The “boots” turned out to be high heels. The shoes had been donated to the workers by local retailers, which the company blames for mixing up the shipment. The company says it will make things right and get them boots. ***In the meantime, the janitors will continue to work as normal, only now looking FABULOUS!

The secret to falling asleep quickly and staying asleep all night could be as close as your refrigerator. People who eat a large variety of foods, which is an indicator of an overall healthy diet, have the healthiest sleep patterns, according to researchers from the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania. Sleep, like nutrition and physical activity, is a critical determinant of health and well-being. In a nationally analysis, the Penn team found that certain dietary nutrients appear to play an underlying role in short and long sleep duration. ***I’m not sure I buy it though. I eat a wide variety of things… like Pringles, French fries, mashed potatoes, potato bread, potato soup… I mean, what else do you want?

A study finds that liquids make up almost a quarter of the calories in the average American’s diet. Is that good, or bad? Well, the problem is most Americans only count the calories they get from solid foods — which means we’re not aware of how calories are sneaking into our diet. ***Wait… are you telling me that chocolate shakes should affect my daily calorie count?

The zombie apocalypse won’t take long. A study finds that the zombie hordes would take Earth’s population down to just 273 survivors in 100 days. ***Gee… somebody should make a TV series out of that.

Queen Elizabeth was once almost shot by a palace guard who mistook her for a late-night prowler. That’s because the queen is prone to late-night strolls on the palace grounds when she can’t sleep, and during one such three AM walk, a guard thought she might be an intruder. Upon realizing who it was, the guard said: “Bloody hell, your majesty, I nearly shot you.” The queen answered: “That’s quite all right. Next time I’ll ring through beforehand so you don’t have to shoot me.” ***Are you paying attention, America? THIS is how we need to act if a law enforcement officer almost shoots us. Leave it to an English monarch to show class even in a near-death situation.


A new survey reveals civility in America continues to disintegrate and rude behavior is becoming the “new normal.” Today 70% of Americans to believe that incivility has reached crisis proportions. Americans say they encounter incivility more than twice a day, on average. ***The remaining 30% were educated in public schools and have no idea what the word incivility means.

The Centers for Disease Control reports only about 65% of adults get seven-plus hours of sleep — the minimum amount recommended. South Dakotans get the most sleep (almost 72% of them get 7+ hours). Hawaiians get the least amount of sleep. ***Hawaii gets the least sleep? Don’t you go to Hawaii to relax? Isn’t that the reason God created Hawaii in the first place? People – the palm trees and beach will still be there in the morning – and the morning after – go to bed for crying’ out loud!

Teenagers are smoking coffee rather than drinking it and posting videos of the practice online. Only problem: It seems unsafe, with users reporting hallucinations, vomiting, dizziness, and trouble breathing. One Reddit user who puffed coffee a couple years back called it the “stupid idea of the week.” ***Because the only thing better than coffee, is the possibility of lung cancer!

Scientists are discussing the idea of creating a “space elevator”. It would be a huge cable — one end attached to the earth, and the other end attached to a satellite. Cargo and astronauts would ride up the cable into space, and unbelievably it would be cheaper and safer than rockets. ***The downside to this plan is that you’re stuck in an elevator for twelve hours listening to the instrumental version of Elton John’s “Rocket Man”.

Outer space may be soundless, but it’s apparently not odorless. According to a 2009 interview with NASA astronaut Kevin Ford — who did some space walks — space has a metallic odor that Ford describes as having the “aroma of seared steak, hot metal, and welding fumes.” ***Yep – space smells like Battlestar Galactica’s mess hall.



OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! We’ve secretly replaced our normal episode of As the Jungle Turns with a story that takes place on Razzleflabbin Island, where Marvy Snuffelson and all of the Razzleflabbins are about to come face to face with another Razzleflabbin… a Razzleflabbin that is PLAID! Let’s see if our audience notices…

CLOSE: You might think it’s a bit silly to be afraid of the someone that’s different – but how would you feel if someone came running up to you that was covered in stripes and lines all over his body? Maybe this Plaid Guy really is dangerous! Find out more next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.


Traditions in the theatre aren’t always a good thing.

School administrators at Glenbard West High in Glen Ellyn, Illinois cancelled the upcoming student play because students chose to hold one rehearsal in their underwear as a way to counteract stage fright.  The girls wore togas and the boys wore boxer shorts, claiming the practice was an old theater tradition.  One of the students rehearsing for the play commented, “None of us are mad at getting suspended, getting detentions, or anything else. We just feel it was very wrong to cancel our show.”  ***MARLAR: And no… the play was NOT entitled, “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”



10. Eat This Scorpion Alive or We’ll Kill Grandma!

9. Survivor: Des Moines

8. Iron Chef: Fast food edition

7. Who Wants to Marry a Janitor?

6. So You Want To Be A Toll Booth Operator?

5. Joe Hundredaire

4. Trading Spaces Mobile Home Edition

3. America’s Next Top C++ Programmer

2. Lost with Carrot Top

1. I’m Not Quite a Celebrity And I Need More Exposure, Get Me Out of Here!


You gotta be smarter than this if you’re going to be an arsonist.

FILE #1: 41-year-old Frances Shaw, was charged with arson of her own home in Greensburg, Pennsylvania. Police and firefighters who came to the scene discovered that her most valuable household items, namely her clothes, TV set and microwave oven had already been placed in the yard under a heavy tarp by the time they arrived at her burning home. Kind of gave her away.

FILE #2: Despite managing to steal an expensive new cell phone from a store in New Zealand, one crook wasn’t too smart. Police simply called the thief and told him he had won a prize. All they needed was his name and address so they could send it to him. Yes, he fell for the ruse and his prize turned out to be handcuffs.

FILE #3: They say clothes make the man. In Russia that turned out to be very true after a prisoner swapped clothes with his identical twin brother, who is also his lawyer, and walked out of jail. The jailbreak happened when guards left former policeman Valerii Voblikov, on trial for running a criminal gang, alone in his cell with his lawyer brother. The pair swapped clothes and ID cards before Valerii calmly walked out the front door and got into a waiting car. His brother has now been charged with assisting a jailbreak.

STRANGE LAW: In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.


Imagine being charged with a DUI – while in a police parking lot!

An intoxicated Pennsylvania man chose an odd place to park his car and take a nap – the East Pennsboro Township police parking lot, in between two marked police cars, in a space designated for police cars only.  Michael L. Wagner caught the attention of an officer as he sped through the parking lot one Sunday night.  After Wagner parked, the officer saw him turn off his headlights, recline his seat and close his eyes. The officer went to check on Wagner and saw an empty bottle of vodka and a container of orange juice on the floor.  He also smelled alcohol on Wagner, who was later found to have a .112 blood alcohol level. Wagner was charged with DUI and possession of drug paraphernalia after the officer also found a pipe with traces of marijuana in it.


It’s Family History Day. A day for family reunion planners to remember to schedule time for family folklore and legends. Get callers to call in and tell funny stories about their families… like the time in my family where my mother called me to the sidelines during a football game that I was playing in for the sole reason of combing my hair.


QUESTION: In what land were there no swarms of flies, as a means of demonstrating that God’s people dwelt there and were therefore protected?
ANSWER: Goshen (Exodus 8:22)


QUESTION: With a difference of only 345 feet between its highest and lowest points, which is America’s flattest state?

ANSWER: Florida. Delaware is the second flattest.


Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. President Woodrow Wilson was the only president to ever hold a garage sale on the White House lawn. (False – Chester Arthur)

2. The Statue of Liberty’s tablet is a foot thick. (False – two feet thick)

3. Naugahyde, plastic “leather” was created in Naugahyde, Connecticut. (False – Naugatuck, Connecticut)

4. Madrid is the only European capital city not situated on a river. (True)

5. Emus cannot walk backwards. (True)

6. The shopping mall in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada has the largest indor waterfall in North America. (False – it has the largest water clock.)

7. Libya has the only flag which is all one color with no writing or decoration on it. (True)

8. The 1957 Milwaukee Braves were the first baseball team to win the World Series after being relocated. (True)

9. Oklahoma is bordered by more states than any other. (False – that would be Tennessee. It’s bordered by eight states… Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina and Virginia)

10. The Western-most point in the contiguous United States is Cape Alava, Washington. (True)


You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) confirmed that mermaids exist and that they are growing in numbers.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reportedly published a post on their “Ocean Facts” newsfeed titled “Conclusive Evidence of  the Existence of Aquatic Humanoids.”

The agency went on to say that “magic females”, who first appeared in cave paintings in the late Paleolithic (Stone Age) period some 30,000 years ago, when modern humans began to sail the seas, do exist and are living in all the oceans of the world.

Animal Planet television recently aired a special called “Mermaids: The Body Found,” that also proved the existence of mermaids.

National Ocean Service spokeswoman Sandy Nixon told WWN that “at least 65 mermaid researches and experts gathered on the island of Tahiti to examine all the known evidence and have concluded, emphatically, that  half human half-fish hybrids are living peacefully among us.

Mermaid experts say that the majority of mermaids are in the warmer waters of the Caribbean and the Mediterranean, but that many have been spotted in the Pacific Ocean and Southern Atlantic.  ”There is a large school of mermaids, swimming just outside Ocean City Maryland,” said mermaidologist, Marcus Plumkin, of the University of Florida.

WWN has also learned that recently the U.S. government has captured 7 mermaids and that they are being kept at an undisclosed aquarium, where they are being studied.  President Obama has personally met the mermaids and was quite impressed – according to reports.

So, if you’re at the beach… keep a lookout for mermaids.  They are out there!



Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week.  “What’s the story this time, Harry?” his boss asked sarcastically.  “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Harry sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss.  The wife decided to drive me to the station.  She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.  I swam across the river–see, my suit’s still damp–ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Harry,” said the boss, “You really expect me to believe that a woman can get ready in ten minutes?!?!”


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  He said, “You must be single.”
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the man’s intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.  Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The man replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly.”


The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist’s couch. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”

“Amazing,” said the doctor. “How did you do it?”

“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”


This Sunday (June 18) is Father’s Day.  ***It seems like only yesterday, Dad was looking over my shoulder, giving me advice on such trivial things as how to mow the lawn.  Come to think of it, that WAS yesterday.

Family Circle magazine says one trend this Fathers Day was to buy a toy for your Dad.  94% of all dads would like to receive an electronic gadget; 88% would like dinner; 80% would like a framed family photo; 78% would like sports equipment or tickets. ***That comes to 340%… perhaps some of these fathers should be spending a little more time teaching their children math.



While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

“Why not?” my friend asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”

“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”

“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”


Can an ATM machine result in a wedding? It did for Laurence and Lesa!

Laurence Etcheberry was making a transaction last year at an ATM just north of San Francisco when Lesa McGill literally bumped into him. Embarrassed, she apologized and headed for her car as they smiled and nodded at one another. As fate would have it, they passed each other later on Main Street in St. Helena. She waved, he made a U-turn, and they were married over the weekend at the Bank of America ATM machine in St. Helena, California. The groom wore a black tux, the bride wore a white gown, the ATM machine was draped in a floral arrangement, and the bank allowed the bride and groom 3 minutes to withdraw as much cash as possible from the ATM. They managed to get $840 for additional honeymoon cash. ***MARLAR: I guess you could say they both married because of money.



By: Joseph J. Mazzella

I had a great day today. It was a day full of “quantity” rather than quality time with my children. We started by taking a long drive down the old, back roads here in the mountains of my home with the music playing and our voices joining in. As we drove along we saw deer in the meadows and hundreds of butterflies flying gently from flower to flower. Later, we stopped for a picnic near a playground. We ate, laughed, talked, and played. We also sat quietly for a time sharing big hugs and warm smiles. It was a day of wonderful happiness for us all.

It was at the end of the day, however, when I was thanking God for the specialness of it all that I noticed that my face was hurting. The muscles above my cheekbones were sore and achy. It was then that I saw just how “great” this day had been. My face was sore because I had spent almost the whole day laughing, smiling, and singing. This made me laugh and smile through the achiness and thank God even more. I plan on having many more great days too full of love and oneness with God. Not only is it good for the soul, it’s also a great way to get your face in shape.

We all should strive to make everyday a “great” day. God loves us and wants us to live and to love each day of our lives. We are meant to choose love and we are meant to share love, great day after great day. We should not rest on our past either, but live fully today. After all, one of the greatest joys in life lies not in cherishing happy memories but rather in creating new ones. The wonderful speaker and author Mark Victor Hansen says that “We can live in a state of joy, bliss, and ecstasy if we choose. We’re meant to live a spirited, spiritual life.” I hope that you have a great day today then. I hope that you have a great day tomorrow too even if it does make your face hurt. Great days lead to a wonderful life, and a wonderful life leads to a Heavenly afterlife.


How would you react if you found out that the person sitting next to you has AIDS? Would you continue to be their friend? Would you be scared of them?

Imagine you were working at a television news station. One day, your supervisor tells you that you’re “headed out to the AIDS house.” You drive to a quiet street lined with older homes. You and the news crew stop at a house that appears no different from the others–except that inside live a group of people who are dying. Although you know you can’t contract the disease through casual contact, you’re still a little (okay, maybe more than a little) fearful about going in.

You set up your equipment on the back porch. Everyone gets busy getting ready for the interview with the woman who runs the home. You find that you’re in the way, so you wander into the living room and see a skinny man with a scraggly beard, wearing a worn terry-clothe robe and slippers. You turn to leave, hoping he doesn’t see you… but it’s too late.

“This is my ornament,” he says. “Every year I love putting it on the Christmas tree. It means I’ve lived one more year.” Then he tells you about how his parents had kicked him out of the house when they found out he’d tested positive for HIV. Touched, you shake the man’s hand as you leave… feeling ashamed of the fear and distaste you brought with you into that house.

Jesus was constantly being confronted with sick and dying people, including those with leprosy–the AIDS of Bible times. The disease stirred up hate and fear, and turned its victims into outcasts. When a man with leprosy came to Jesus, He could have healed him from a distance, with a simple word. But He didn’t draw back. Instead,

Jesus touched him (Matthew 8:1-3).

You and I can’t heal people. But we can show compassion and kindness when they come into our lives. And who knows? Maybe someday we’ll be comfortable enough to seek these people out. Just a touch can make a

huge difference to someone who knows only suffering.

Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. –Matthew 8:3


Can a penny cause $900 damage to a car? Yep.

Police in Salt Lake City said a teenager accused of misdemeanor criminal mischief allegedly caused $900 damage to a car by throwing a single penny. Investigators said the 18-year-old threw the penny at a car to get the attention of the occupants on March 5th. However, the teen missed his mark and the penny struck the roof of a BMW, resulting in $932.37 worth of damage.


Living paycheck-to-paycheck? You’re not the only one.

As the country continues to deal with the current economic slowdown, workers are stretching their paychecks more than ever. Nearly half of workers (47%) say they always or usually live paycheck-to paycheck, up from 43% last year according to a new survey by CareerBuilder.com. And it isn’t just the blue-collar workers – one-in-five workers with salaries of $100,000 or more report they live paycheck-to-paycheck. Now for the good news. Sixty-four percent of hiring managers expect to provide an increase in salaries for full-time employees this fall.


The military is creating a new weapon that… well… really smells!

Military researchers will soon try to combine the two most disgusting smells ever engineered, in an attempt to develop the ultimate nonlethal weapon, a magnificent stink bomb. According to a report in New Scientist, the winning stenches (excrement and rotting foods/carcasses, with each technologically “improved” to even fouler levels) would be mixed together. The result would be so overpowering that not only would it disperse people in a panic, but would also act on brain tissue in the same fear-provoking way that other unrecognizable stimuli do.  ***MARLAR: I think the biggest reason the stink-bomb weapon would be so effective is that it’s impossible to fight or run while at the same time puking.



  • Shoes

  • Tickets to Celine Dion in Las Vegas

  • “When a Man Loves a Woman” on DVD

  • Membership in the Jelly of the Month club

  • A basket of kittens

  • A gift certificate to the hair salon

  • Ballroom dancing lessons for him and your mom

  • An announcement that all three of his daughters are getting married this year



According to Connie Fletcher, author of “What Cops Know,” you can save your property – and even your life by following this advice:

If you notice someone following you when you’re out walking, look directly at the person. Only nut cases stare straight at people on the street – and no crook wants to mess with them.

Keep a pair of large-size muddy construction boots outside your door – it will scare off would-be burglars who don’t want to mess with the hulking construction worker who might be inside.

When you’re on vacation, keep a car parked in your driveway to make it seem like someone is home.

Dress in shabby clothes if you have to carry money through a bad neighborhood. Muggers are on the lookout for rich victims, not poor ones.

When you have to walk somewhere alone at night, take your dog along with you or volunteer to exercise a neighbor’s pooch. Most muggers are put off by man’s best friend.

Keep your money in a separate place from your wallet. That way, if you are robbed, you can give up your cash without losing all of your ID and credit cards.


The Fort Worth police officers were just a few hours into their shift when they responded to what is considered the lowest priority 911 call. But when the officers got to the elderly man’s house and saw it was 85 degrees inside with a broken AC unit, they knew they had to help. The officers went to Home Depot to buy Hatley a new AC unit. The highly-trained law enforcement officers admit installing the appliance wasn’t their strong suit. But with help from another officer, they got it in. http://bit.ly/2s5nAky

True love is a three wheeled bicycle built for two. Avis Darnley has Parkinson’s disease, leaving her in a wheelchair and stealing her ability to speak, life has got smaller. Until John decided it was time they both got on with living. The former mechanic has created a modified electric bike that allows him to hitch up his wife to the handlebars and enjoy the great outdoors. http://bit.ly/2raQ8Ko

A Hilliard police officer went above and beyond his call of duty. According to the Hilliard Division of Police’s Facebook page, during a traffic stop, Officer Schweickart noticed there were three children in the car, but only one was properly restrained. A 2-year-old and 3-year-old did not have car seats. The officer then went to Target to purchase two car seats for the family using his own money. http://bit.ly/2rVy0Bj

The lead pastor of a West Coast-based megachurch believes that there are people who would do better going to a small congregation instead. Daniel Fusco, lead pastor for Crossroads Community Church, which has campuses in Washington State and Oregon, discussed at the Parenting Teens Summit event about the value of smaller churches. “Crossroads, where I pastor now, is a very large church. The downside of the very large church is that [there are] all sorts of people who can’t connect with God surrounded by a couple thousand people,” explained Fusco. http://ow.ly/T8T130cwaPL


There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. — Robert Benchley, Benchley’s Law of Distinction


Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JUNE 09, 2017…

The Mummy—Tom Cruise is back with a new franchise, this time it is a reboot of “The Mummy” that made Brendan Fraser famous. The scriptwriters have turned the traditional “Mummy” story upside down by having the villain “Mummy” being a woman. Yes, Sofia Boutella, is the princess who defied people way back when and was mummified. Now, she is here for revenge. Also in the cast is Russell Crowe. “The Mummy” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

It Comes At Night—It is a world in which most of humanity is gone due to a plague. Joel Edgerton, his wife Carmen Ejogo and their son, Kelvin Harrison, Jr., are alone on their wooded property, when people start coming to them for help. What to do? Trust them, or not? Shades of gruesomeness. “It Comes At Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for horror fans.

JUNE 16, 2017…

Cars 3 is an animated film and continues the adventures of Lightning McQueen (voice of Owen Wilson) who still wants to be a top racer.

All Eyez On Me is a biopic of the late rapper Tupac Shakur and working his way up the ladder of fame. Actors include Demeterius Shipp, Jr. and Jamal Woolard.

Rough Night concerns a bachelorette party that goes in many directions, and this is an adult film. Stars Scarlett Johansson and Zoe Kravitz.

Book Of Henry has a young boy (Jaeden Lieberher) trying to help his friend next door. But is this the right thing to do?

47 Meters Down is about two sisters whose diving expedition leaves them stranded with sharks all around. Stars Mandy Moore.

Maudie (opening in select cities) is a poignant film, based on the life of English artist Maud Lewis (Sally Hawkins). Maud was not your typical artist.

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