June 14, 2018: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180614
PDF: 20180614

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Got a ticket today. I tried to explain that I’m a Christian and no longer bound by the law, but apparently that argument is not valid… plus, red light cameras aren’t religious.

I washed my headphones, but I forgot to put a Downy sheet in the dryer, and they keep clinging to my ears.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“I think this is the most extraordinary collection of talent, of human knowledge, that has ever been gathered together at the White House, with the possible exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.” – John F. Kennedy at a White House dinner honoring Nobel Prize winners of the Western hemisphere.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. — Romans 12:12

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. — Colossians 3:13

An evil man is trapped by his sinful talk, but a righteous man escapes trouble. — Proverbs 12:13

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! — 2 Corinthians 5:17

Thought: “New and Improved!” That should be stamped across the forehead of every Christian! When we come to Christ, he makes us new and he cleanses us of all our sins. Incredibly, this grace can be “new every morning” because of God’s faithfulness and transforming power. God’s grace and power are given to us through his Holy Spirit. We are new and improved, and will continue to be that way until we are completely transformed to be like Jesus! (See 2 Corinthians 3:18)

Prayer: Holy Father, have your way with my heart, my will, my life, and my time. I want to yield myself to you so that you can make me new and improved. I don’t want to be satisfied with where you have brought me. No, dear Father, I want to become more like Jesus today, and each day of my life that follows. Thank you for your empowering grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 6:14 NIV = For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 14, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
193 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL POP GOES THE WEASEL DAY. ***Unless you’ve outgrown the nursery rhyme and are now a teenager – at which point it becomes “Pop Goes The Pimple Day”.

Today is FLAG DAY in the U.S.  We adopted Old Glory as our national flag on this date on June 14, 1777.

Flag Do’s and Don’ts (from the U.S. code):

  • Do fly the flag from sunup to sundown.  Do not fly the flag overnight unless it’s in a well-lit area.

  • Don’t display Old Glory with its blue field of stars facing down — that’s a signal of extreme distress and you’ll likely get a visit from law enforcement making sure everything is okay.

  • Do keep the flag from touching anything below it.

  • Don’t raise the flag in rain, sheet, snow, etc.

  • Do destroy a seen-better-days banner in a dignified manner, preferably by burning it (but only after cutting the stars section away from the stripes section, that way it is no longer a U.S. flag and can respectfully be burned).

TODAY IS ALSO…

Army’s Birthday
Family History Day
Flag Day
International Bath Day
National Bourbon Day
Pause for the Pledge Day
(World) Blood Donor Day
National Nursing Assistants Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

FRIDAY, JUNE 15

Global Wind Day
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
Nature Photography Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
National Flip Flop Day
Prune Day
Work@Home Father’s Day

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Worldwide Day of Giving

SATURDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday
Fudge Day
Ladies’ Day (Baseball)
Mermaid Day
Polar Bear Swim
World Juggling Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 17

Dollars Against Diabetes Day
Eat Your Vegetables Day
Family Awareness Day
Father’s Day
Husband Caregiver Day
National Garbage Man Day
Stewarts Root Beer Day
Turkey Lovers Day
World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought
World Tesselation Day

MONDAY, JUNE 18

Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday (Superman)
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
Sustainable Gasteronomy Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 19

Free BSD Day
Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Juneteenth
National Watch Day
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20

American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 21

Ann & Samantha Day
Atheists Solidarity Day
Cuckoo Warning Day
Dump The Pump Day
Go Skateboarding Day
International Day of Yoga
Litha
Midsummer
National Daylight Appreciation Day
National Day of The Gong
National Sea Shell Day
National Selfie Day
Recess At Work Day
Summer Solstice
Summer
Tall Girl Appreciation Day
World Giraffe Day
World Handshake Day
World Humanist Day
World Hydrography Day
World Music Day

ON THIS DAY

1777: The Continental Congress in Philadelphia adopted the Stars and Stripes as the national flag. ***Barely beating out stars and garters. Afterwards, they all enjoyed a Continental breakfast.

1846: A group of American settlers in Sonoma proclaimed the Republic of California.

1922: Warren G. Harding became the first U.S. president to appear on the radio. ***We’ll never forget when he uttered those famous words, “Am I caller number 9? Did I win the tickets?”

1942: Disney released the movie, “Bambi.” ***Up until that time, everyone thought it was OK to go out into an open meadow.

1943: The Supreme Court ruled schoolchildren could not be compelled to salute the U.S. flag if doing so conflicted with their religious beliefs.

1951: Univac 1, the world’s first commercial computer, was publicly demonstrated for the first time – it had originally been built for the U.S. Census Bureau. ***And they STILL can’t take an accurate census.

1953: Elvis Presley was graduated from Humes High School in Memphis.

1954: U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower signed an order adding the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance.

1965: Paul McCartney recorded “Yesterday,” a song he affectionately called “Scrambled Eggs.”

1976: The Gong Show debuted on NBC. Host Chuck Barris introduced amateur acts, the worst of which were “gonged” by a panel of judges. ***Rejects went on to have successful careers in radio. (audio clip)

1984: Madame Tussaud’s Waxworks in London unveiled a wax Boy George on George’s 23rd birthday.

1986: The Mississippi Army National Guard placed a new Goddess of Liberty statue atop the Texas State Capitol building in Austin after the Texas National Guard failed 26 times to position the statue correctly.

1989: Actress Zsa Zsa Gabor was arrested in Beverly Hills for slapping a motorcycle patrolman. ***Come now… you’re just jealous that you didn’t think of it first.

1996: Cal Ripken Jr. played in his 2,216th straight game with Baltimore, breaking an endurance record set by Japan’s Sachio Kinugasa. The Orioles beat the Royals 6-1.

1997: A 1939 comic book that featured the debut of Batman was auctioned in New York for $68,500. ***Gosh, I have a ton of Batman comics that are MUCH newer than THAT! How much do you think someone would pay for a FRESH comic book?!? I could be a gazillionaire!

2003: A father of 63 children in the United Arab Emirates married for the 12th time in a bid to ensure his place in the Guinness Book of Records with 100 offspring. The 53-year-old’s latest bride was 18. Dad’s name is Dad. Dad Mohammad Murad already had 30 sons and 33 daughters.

2005: A woman searching for aluminum cans in a trash bin in Framingham, Massachusetts, was dumped into the back of a garbage truck after the driver emptied the bin without realizing she was inside. The 38-year-old woman avoided major injury after a worker installing carpet nearby heard her screams and alerted the truck driver, who was about to press the compacting button.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

847: Methodius, an Eastern church leader who fought vigorously for icons to be preserved and venerated, dies of dropsy. He had earlier survived seven years of imprisonment with a decaying corpse, as ordered by officials under iconoclastic Emperor Theophilus. Upon Theophilus’s death his wife, Theodora, took Methodius’s side, and he was named Patriarch of Constantinople.

1715: Robert Norden became licensed pastor of the Baptist congregation in Prince George County — the first Baptist church organized within the American colony of Virginia.

1811: Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom’s Cabin and daughter of Congregationalist minister Lyman Beecher, is born in Litchfield, Connecticut. When she met Abraham Lincoln in 1863, he reportedly said, “So you’re the little woman who wrote the book that made this great war!”

1936: Death of G. K. Chesterton, an influential Roman Catholic apologist and wit, noted for his use of paradox.

1940: Auschwitz, largest of the Nazi concentration camps, was first opened near Krakow, Poland. Before its liberation by the Allies in 1945, over 3 million Jews would be exterminated there.

 

1956: President Eisenhower signed a congressional resolution which added the words “under God” to the Pledge of Allegiance. The last phrase now reads: “…one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

 

1966: The Vatican announced that its Index of Prohibited Books (created by Pope Paul IV in 1557) had been abolished.

 

1984: The Southern Baptist Convention passed a resolution opposing the ordination of women for ministry in the Baptist Church.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Pretty Little Liars) Lucy Hale, 29

  • actor (“Glee”) Kevin McHale, 30

  • actress (Son of the Mask, Layla Baileygates in Me, Myself & Irene, and Natalie Teeger on TV’s “Monk”) Traylor Howard 47 (audio clip)

  • tennis pro Steffi Graf 48

  • Actress (“Baywatch,” “Nash Bridges”) Yasmine Bleeth 50 (audio clip)

  • actor (Carmine on “Laverne & Shirley”) Eddie Mekka, 66

  • Businessman/TV personality/U.S. President Donald Trump 72 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“227,” “The Jeffersons”) Marla Gibbs 87 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Burl Ives

1910 : Nappy Lamare

1931 : Junior Walker

1936 : Obie Benson (The Four Tops)

1941 : Jr. Walker (Junior Walker & The All Stars)

1945 : Rod Argent (The Zombies, Argent)

1947 : Barry Melton (Country Joe & The Fish, Dinosaurs)

1949 : Alan White (Yes)

1952 : Jim Lea (Slade)

1958 : Nick Van Ede (Cutting Crew)

1961 : Boy George (Culture Club)

1963 : Chris DeGarmo (Queensrÿche)

1971 : Billie Myers

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do they turn off the cabin lights on planes before takeoff?

Turning the lights off whenever it was time for the in-flight meal… I could understand that. I’m always guessing what the food is anyway. And no one wants to see someone get airsick, so they should turn off the lights then too… but for takeoffs? Why? All the better for you to see the sights outside, folks. There’s nothing technical about it, and it’s that simple. At night, especially, the lights are quite pretty, particularly once you’re airborne and you can see them sparkle all over the city. You say you’re sitting in an aisle seat? So why don’t they do blackouts for landings? Because people then are more concerned with getting their stuff together for departure. And how else would you see the attendants’ insincere smiles when they thank you for flying with them?

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Ever heard of castoreum? Well let me tell you, it’s a yellowish, strong-smelling secretion that comes from the castor sacs found near the base of a beaver’s tail. It’s not easy to get but it is an FDA-approved food additive, and now somebody’s decided to add it to whiskey!  ***Are you grossed out by that?  Then you probably don’t want to know that castoreum is also used to make vanilla taste the way it does.  Enjoy your dessert.

Police were called to a restaurant in Canada (Elgin, Ontario) Monday night. There they found what they describe as a “hangry” patron waiting to complain about the restaurant. A 32-year-old woman and her 10-year-old son called police because their pizza order had not been prepared on time. Police educated the woman on the appropriate use of 911.  ***Actually, if you’ve ever seen my wife be “hangry”, you’d call 911 too – just for self-preservation.

Traffic jams are caused by many reasons, but it appears that one of the top causes is drivers who talk on cell phones. Even when they get chatty on hands-free devices, cell phone users drive, on average, two miles per hour slower than those who aren’t talking while driving, according to a recent study from the University of Utah. When enough people do this, traffic noticeably slows down — enough to add 20 hours a year to the average one-hour commute. ***People like this drive me nuts.  Yesterday I saw a guy on his cell phone and I wanted to roll down my window to yell at him… and I would’ve if I wasn’t already holding a cheeseburger.

A lock of General George Armstrong Custer’s hair has sold at auction for $12,500.  ***Scientists at InGen plan to extract the DNA for cloning as part of their plans to build “Little Bighorn Park”.

It’s time to start cooking with extra-virgin olive oil. Why? It appears to preserve memory and protect the brain against Alzheimer’s disease, according to medical researchers at Temple University in Philadelphia. ***Sweet! That means a trip to Olive Garden is now deductible as a medical expense!

A New Jersey state police trooper accused of repeatedly pulling over women to ask them out on dates has agreed to give up his job as part of a plea deal. Prosecutors will recommend that officer Eric Richardson get probation when he’s sentenced in August.  Authorities say the 32-year-old pulled over women and threatened to arrest them unless they gave him their phone numbers. ***Although a few fans of “50 Shades of Grey” were more than willing to try his handcuffs.

Just two weeks after Seattle’s city council passed a $275 head tax on workers, they’re voting to repeal it after a city-wide backlash.  ***Gee… you mean companies didn’t like the idea of being punished for every employee they had on the payroll?  Wow – who would’ve guessed that?!?!

A Philadelphia high school teacher is accused of taking bribes from her students in exchange for good grades.  ***Which, sadly, is probably the most family-friendly news story about a teacher I’ve had had all year.

Former president George H.W. Bush is the first U.S. President to turn 94.  ***To show his anger about the direction our country has taken since being in the Oval, instead of rolling over in his grave he rolls over in bed, and around in his wheelchair.

Kenilworth School District superintendent Thomas Tramaglini has been accused of repeatedly relieving himself during early morning workouts and leaving piles of his own poop next to a track at a New Jersey high school. He has been charged with public defecation, lewdness and littering. One of his attorneys said the legal team planned to “rebut some of the falsehoods” that had been spread about his client.  ***I don’t think re-BUTT is going to create the word picture you want right now, Counselor.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A sweet tooth isn’t necessarily bad for your health… at least not when it comes to chocolate. Researchers studying more than 33,000 Swedish women found that the more chocolate women said they ate, the lower their risk of stroke. The results add to a growing body of evidence linking cocoa consumption to heart health. ***Is it supposed to be a surprise that chocolate adds to the results of a growing body? I eat tons of chocolate… and I grow wider every year.

Experts agree that an aerobic exercise routine during the day can keep you from tossing and turning at night, even if they’re not sure why. ***Maybe because you’re too exhausted to turn over?

It turns out that when men buy new undies, it means the economy is improving. The Washington Post reports that, in general, sales of men’s underwear are actually fairly stable, since they are considered a necessity. But when times get tough financially, men make do with the old boxers and briefs, and that causes underwear sales to drop. The research firm Mintel noticed that the growth in sales of men’s underwear began to slow last year as the recession grabbed the country in its teeth. This year, sales are expected to fall just 0.5%, which is such a slight amount that it’s seen as a positive economic indicator. ***So men… do your part to stimulate the economy and buy some new boxers! The country is counting on you!

Whether they know it or not, most guys stick to the tried-and-true Windsor knot when tying their neckties. According to a Swedish mathematician, the tie is far more versatile than even the most fashionable male could have previously. He recently calculated that there are more than 177,000 different ways to tie a necktie. ***And every single one of them feels like a noose.

The majority of Americans (57%) say they have little or no trust in the mass media to report the news fully, accurately, and fairly. ***Which means 57% of those listening to me now won’t believe a word I’ve just said.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard had tried everything he could think of to beat Steve Mozart. Composing music, building a sandcastle, a bridge, a boat… and nothing worked. Steve Mozart kept beating Millard to the punch, doing things faster and better. But Millard hasn’t given up yet!

CLOSE: Talk about adding insult to injury! Now not only can Millard not beat Steve Mozart at anything, but now Steve Mozart had to be called in to save Millard’s life? How will Millard ever be able to deal with this? Tune in next time for more of our story, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Traditions in the theatre aren’t always a good thing.

School administrators at Glenbard West High in Glen Ellyn, Illinois cancelled the upcoming student play because students chose to hold one rehearsal in their underwear as a way to counteract stage fright.  The girls wore togas and the boys wore boxer shorts, claiming the practice was an old theater tradition.  One of the students rehearsing for the play commented, “None of us are mad at getting suspended, getting detentions, or anything else. We just feel it was very wrong to cancel our show.”  ***MARLAR: And no… the play was NOT entitled, “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR REALITY SHOWS

10. Eat This Scorpion Alive or We’ll Kill Grandma!

9. Survivor: Des Moines

8. Iron Chef: Fast food edition

7. Who Wants to Marry a Janitor?

6. So You Want To Be A Toll Booth Operator?

5. Joe Hundredaire

4. Trading Spaces Mobile Home Edition

3. America’s Next Top C++ Programmer

2. Lost with Carrot Top

1. I’m Not Quite a Celebrity And I Need More Exposure, Get Me Out of Here!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

You gotta be smarter than this if you’re going to be an arsonist.

FILE #1: 41-year-old Frances Shaw, was charged with arson of her own home in Greensburg, Pennsylvania. Police and firefighters who came to the scene discovered that her most valuable household items, namely her clothes, TV set and microwave oven had already been placed in the yard under a heavy tarp by the time they arrived at her burning home. Kind of gave her away.

FILE #2: Despite managing to steal an expensive new cell phone from a store in New Zealand, one crook wasn’t too smart. Police simply called the thief and told him he had won a prize. All they needed was his name and address so they could send it to him. Yes, he fell for the ruse and his prize turned out to be handcuffs.

FILE #3: They say clothes make the man. In Russia that turned out to be very true after a prisoner swapped clothes with his identical twin brother, who is also his lawyer, and walked out of jail. The jailbreak happened when guards left former policeman Valerii Voblikov, on trial for running a criminal gang, alone in his cell with his lawyer brother. The pair swapped clothes and ID cards before Valerii calmly walked out the front door and got into a waiting car. His brother has now been charged with assisting a jailbreak.

STRANGE LAW: In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Imagine being charged with a DUI – while in a police parking lot!

An intoxicated Pennsylvania man chose an odd place to park his car and take a nap – the East Pennsboro Township police parking lot, in between two marked police cars, in a space designated for police cars only.  Michael L. Wagner caught the attention of an officer as he sped through the parking lot one Sunday night.  After Wagner parked, the officer saw him turn off his headlights, recline his seat and close his eyes. The officer went to check on Wagner and saw an empty bottle of vodka and a container of orange juice on the floor.  He also smelled alcohol on Wagner, who was later found to have a .112 blood alcohol level. Wagner was charged with DUI and possession of drug paraphernalia after the officer also found a pipe with traces of marijuana in it.

PHONER PHUN

It’s Family History Day. A day for family reunion planners to remember to schedule time for family folklore and legends. Get callers to call in and tell funny stories about their families… like the time in my family where my mother called me to the sidelines during a football game that I was playing in for the sole reason of combing my hair.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In what land were there no swarms of flies, as a means of demonstrating that God’s people dwelt there and were therefore protected?
ANSWER: Goshen (Exodus 8:22)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: With a difference of only 345 feet between its highest and lowest points, which is America’s flattest state?

ANSWER: Florida. Delaware is the second flattest.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. President Woodrow Wilson was the only president to ever hold a garage sale on the White House lawn. (False – Chester Arthur)

2. The Statue of Liberty’s tablet is a foot thick. (False – two feet thick)

3. Naugahyde, plastic “leather” was created in Naugahyde, Connecticut. (False – Naugatuck, Connecticut)

4. Madrid is the only European capital city not situated on a river. (True)

5. Emus cannot walk backwards. (True)

6. The shopping mall in Abbotsford, British Columbia, Canada has the largest indor waterfall in North America. (False – it has the largest water clock.)

7. Libya has the only flag which is all one color with no writing or decoration on it. (True)

8. The 1957 Milwaukee Braves were the first baseball team to win the World Series after being relocated. (True)

9. Oklahoma is bordered by more states than any other. (False – that would be Tennessee. It’s bordered by eight states… Kentucky, Missouri, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, North Carolina and Virginia)

10. The Western-most point in the contiguous United States is Cape Alava, Washington. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

U.S. CONFIRMS EXISTENCE OF _______ (MERMAIDS)

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) confirmed that mermaids exist and that they are growing in numbers.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration reportedly published a post on their “Ocean Facts” newsfeed titled “Conclusive Evidence of  the Existence of Aquatic Humanoids.”

The agency went on to say that “magic females”, who first appeared in cave paintings in the late Paleolithic (Stone Age) period some 30,000 years ago, when modern humans began to sail the seas, do exist and are living in all the oceans of the world.

Animal Planet television recently aired a special called “Mermaids: The Body Found,” that also proved the existence of mermaids.

National Ocean Service spokeswoman Sandy Nixon told WWN that “at least 65 mermaid researches and experts gathered on the island of Tahiti to examine all the known evidence and have concluded, emphatically, that  half human half-fish hybrids are living peacefully among us.

Mermaid experts say that the majority of mermaids are in the warmer waters of the Caribbean and the Mediterranean, but that many have been spotted in the Pacific Ocean and Southern Atlantic.  ”There is a large school of mermaids, swimming just outside Ocean City Maryland,” said mermaidologist, Marcus Plumkin, of the University of Florida.

WWN has also learned that recently the U.S. government has captured 7 mermaids and that they are being kept at an undisclosed aquarium, where they are being studied.  President Obama has personally met the mermaids and was quite impressed – according to reports.

So, if you’re at the beach… keep a lookout for mermaids.  They are out there!

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week.  “What’s the story this time, Harry?” his boss asked sarcastically.  “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Harry sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss.  The wife decided to drive me to the station.  She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.  I swam across the river–see, my suit’s still damp–ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Harry,” said the boss, “You really expect me to believe that a woman can get ready in ten minutes?!?!”

JOKE #2

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.  As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a man standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  He said, “You must be single.”
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the man’s intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.  Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The man replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly.”

JOKE #3

The widow lay crying on her psychiatrist’s couch. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.”

“Amazing,” said the doctor. “How did you do it?”

“I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”

USELESS FACTS

This Sunday (June 17) is Father’s Day.  ***It seems like only yesterday, Dad was looking over my shoulder, giving me advice on such trivial things as how to mow the lawn.  Come to think of it, that WAS yesterday.

Family Circle magazine says one trend this Fathers Day was to buy a toy for your Dad.  94% of all dads would like to receive an electronic gadget; 88% would like dinner; 80% would like a framed family photo; 78% would like sports equipment or tickets. ***That comes to 340%… perhaps some of these fathers should be spending a little more time teaching their children math.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THERE’S A HICCUP WITH YOUR ACCOUNT

While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller’s window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend’s check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

“Why not?” my friend asked incredulously.

“I’m sorry, sir,” she replied, “but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact,” she continued, “our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000.”

“It can’t be!” he cried. “You have to be kidding!”

“Yes, I am,” she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. “But you will notice that your hiccups are gone.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Can an ATM machine result in a wedding? It did for Laurence and Lesa!

Laurence Etcheberry was making a transaction last year at an ATM just north of San Francisco when Lesa McGill literally bumped into him. Embarrassed, she apologized and headed for her car as they smiled and nodded at one another. As fate would have it, they passed each other later on Main Street in St. Helena. She waved, he made a U-turn, and they were married over the weekend at the Bank of America ATM machine in St. Helena, California. The groom wore a black tux, the bride wore a white gown, the ATM machine was draped in a floral arrangement, and the bank allowed the bride and groom 3 minutes to withdraw as much cash as possible from the ATM. They managed to get $840 for additional honeymoon cash. ***MARLAR: I guess you could say they both married because of money.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GREAT DAY

By: Joseph J. Mazzella

I had a great day today. It was a day full of “quantity” rather than quality time with my children. We started by taking a long drive down the old, back roads here in the mountains of my home with the music playing and our voices joining in. As we drove along we saw deer in the meadows and hundreds of butterflies flying gently from flower to flower. Later, we stopped for a picnic near a playground. We ate, laughed, talked, and played. We also sat quietly for a time sharing big hugs and warm smiles. It was a day of wonderful happiness for us all.

It was at the end of the day, however, when I was thanking God for the specialness of it all that I noticed that my face was hurting. The muscles above my cheekbones were sore and achy. It was then that I saw just how “great” this day had been. My face was sore because I had spent almost the whole day laughing, smiling, and singing. This made me laugh and smile through the achiness and thank God even more. I plan on having many more great days too full of love and oneness with God. Not only is it good for the soul, it’s also a great way to get your face in shape.

We all should strive to make everyday a “great” day. God loves us and wants us to live and to love each day of our lives. We are meant to choose love and we are meant to share love, great day after great day. We should not rest on our past either, but live fully today. After all, one of the greatest joys in life lies not in cherishing happy memories but rather in creating new ones. The wonderful speaker and author Mark Victor Hansen says that “We can live in a state of joy, bliss, and ecstasy if we choose. We’re meant to live a spirited, spiritual life.” I hope that you have a great day today then. I hope that you have a great day tomorrow too even if it does make your face hurt. Great days lead to a wonderful life, and a wonderful life leads to a Heavenly afterlife.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

How would you react if you found out that the person sitting next to you has AIDS? Would you continue to be their friend? Would you be scared of them?

Imagine you were working at a television news station. One day, your supervisor tells you that you’re “headed out to the AIDS house.” You drive to a quiet street lined with older homes. You and the news crew stop at a house that appears no different from the others–except that inside live a group of people who are dying. Although you know you can’t contract the disease through casual contact, you’re still a little (okay, maybe more than a little) fearful about going in.

You set up your equipment on the back porch. Everyone gets busy getting ready for the interview with the woman who runs the home. You find that you’re in the way, so you wander into the living room and see a skinny man with a scraggly beard, wearing a worn terry-clothe robe and slippers. You turn to leave, hoping he doesn’t see you… but it’s too late.

“This is my ornament,” he says. “Every year I love putting it on the Christmas tree. It means I’ve lived one more year.” Then he tells you about how his parents had kicked him out of the house when they found out he’d tested positive for HIV. Touched, you shake the man’s hand as you leave… feeling ashamed of the fear and distaste you brought with you into that house.

Jesus was constantly being confronted with sick and dying people, including those with leprosy–the AIDS of Bible times. The disease stirred up hate and fear, and turned its victims into outcasts. When a man with leprosy came to Jesus, He could have healed him from a distance, with a simple word. But He didn’t draw back. Instead,

Jesus touched him (Matthew 8:1-3).

You and I can’t heal people. But we can show compassion and kindness when they come into our lives. And who knows? Maybe someday we’ll be comfortable enough to seek these people out. Just a touch can make a

huge difference to someone who knows only suffering.

Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. –Matthew 8:3

LEFTOVERS

Can a penny cause $900 damage to a car? Yep.

Police in Salt Lake City said a teenager accused of misdemeanor criminal mischief allegedly caused $900 damage to a car by throwing a single penny. Investigators said the 18-year-old threw the penny at a car to get the attention of the occupants on March 5th. However, the teen missed his mark and the penny struck the roof of a BMW, resulting in $932.37 worth of damage.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Living paycheck-to-paycheck? You’re not the only one.

As the country continues to deal with the current economic slowdown, workers are stretching their paychecks more than ever. Nearly half of workers (47%) say they always or usually live paycheck-to paycheck, up from 43% last year according to a new survey by CareerBuilder.com. And it isn’t just the blue-collar workers – one-in-five workers with salaries of $100,000 or more report they live paycheck-to-paycheck. Now for the good news. Sixty-four percent of hiring managers expect to provide an increase in salaries for full-time employees this fall.

JUST FOR FUN

FOUL WEAPON
The military is creating a new weapon that… well… really smells!

Military researchers will soon try to combine the two most disgusting smells ever engineered, in an attempt to develop the ultimate nonlethal weapon, a magnificent stink bomb. According to a report in New Scientist, the winning stenches (excrement and rotting foods/carcasses, with each technologically “improved” to even fouler levels) would be mixed together. The result would be so overpowering that not only would it disperse people in a panic, but would also act on brain tissue in the same fear-provoking way that other unrecognizable stimuli do.  ***MARLAR: I think the biggest reason the stink-bomb weapon would be so effective is that it’s impossible to fight or run while at the same time puking.

FUN LIST

THINGS YOUR DAD DEFINITELY DOESN’T WANT FOR FATHER’S DAY . . . . . .

  • Shoes

  • Tickets to Celine Dion in Las Vegas

  • “When a Man Loves a Woman” on DVD

  • Membership in the Jelly of the Month club

  • A basket of kittens

  • A gift certificate to the hair salon

  • Ballroom dancing lessons for him and your mom

  • An announcement that all three of his daughters are getting married this year

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WHAT COPS KNOW

According to Connie Fletcher, author of “What Cops Know,” you can save your property – and even your life by following this advice:

If you notice someone following you when you’re out walking, look directly at the person. Only nut cases stare straight at people on the street – and no crook wants to mess with them.

Keep a pair of large-size muddy construction boots outside your door – it will scare off would-be burglars who don’t want to mess with the hulking construction worker who might be inside.

When you’re on vacation, keep a car parked in your driveway to make it seem like someone is home.

Dress in shabby clothes if you have to carry money through a bad neighborhood. Muggers are on the lookout for rich victims, not poor ones.

When you have to walk somewhere alone at night, take your dog along with you or volunteer to exercise a neighbor’s pooch. Most muggers are put off by man’s best friend.

Keep your money in a separate place from your wallet. That way, if you are robbed, you can give up your cash without losing all of your ID and credit cards.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The secret to falling asleep quickly and staying asleep all night could be as close as your refrigerator. People who eat a large variety of foods, which is an indicator of an overall healthy diet, have the healthiest sleep patterns, according to researchers from the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania. Sleep, like nutrition and physical activity, is a critical determinant of health and well-being. In a nationally analysis, the Penn team found that certain dietary nutrients appear to play an underlying role in short and long sleep duration.

Teenagers who have close friends are more likely to have better health as young adults, HealthDay News reports of research from the University of Virginia in Charlottesville. A study found that those who enjoyed high-quality friendships and had a high desire to fit in with their peers during adolescence had far better health at age 27 than those who separated themselves from their peers during the teenage years. This held even after the researchers accounted for other factors, including income, weight and drug use. Why? Strong friendships and a feeling of being part of a group as a teenager may influence adult health by lowering anxiety and stress levels.

After you finish your grocery shopping, look at the items in your cart. If you’re like the average American, 60 percent of the calories in that cart are from highly-processed foods, making it the biggest chunk of calories in our diet, according to researchers from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. It gets worse. These foods — from chips to cookies — tend to have more fat, sugar and salt than less-processed foods. Highly-processed foods include ready-to-heat meals, white bread, cookies, chips, bacon, soda and candy. Unprocessed or minimally-processed foods include fresh or frozen vegetables, fresh meat, milk, eggs and dried beans. During the 12-year study period, the proportion of calories purchased in highly-processed foods remained steady at 61 percent to 62.5 percent. There was also a significant increase in the proportion of calories bought in ready-to-heat foods. While highly-processed foods are tasty, convenient and affordable, the combination of sugar, fat, salt and flavoring in these foods promotes overeating and contributes to obesity.

Kids can get a good breakfast from eating cold cereals. A study found children who eat cold cereals, even highly sugared products, had healthier diets than youngsters who skipped breakfast or ate something else. And cold cereal kids weren’t overweight. About 22 percent of those who didn’t eat breakfast were obese compared to 15 percent of those eating cold cereal. The study by the U.S. Department of Agriculture and Kellogg’s Corporate Citizen Fund found that cold cereals provide nutrients, vitamins and fiber.

You may come in early, leave late and never miss a deadline, so why aren’t you getting that promotion for which you have worked so hard? Blame it on the tattoo. Physical appearance can actually hurt your career advancement prospects, according to a CareerBuilder.com survey. A surprising 27 percent of employers said a visible tattoo could nix a promotion — no matter how much it was warranted. And it’s not just a tattoo that can put the kibosh on your ability to climb the corporate ladder. When asked which aspects of a worker’s physical appearance would make them less likely to promote that person, employers said:

  1. Provocative attire: 44 percent

  2. Wrinkled clothing or a shabby appearance: 43 percent

  3. Piercings outside of traditional ear piercings: 32 percent

  4. Attire that is too casual for the workplace: 27 percent

  5. Visible tattoos: 27 percent

  6. An unprofessional or ostentatious haircut: 25 percent

  7. Unprofessional or ostentatious facial hair: 24 percent

  8. Bad breath: 23 percent

  9. Heavy perfume or cologne: 21 percent

  10. Too much makeup: 15 percent

“In addition to on-the-job accomplishments, employers also take attitude, behavior and appearance into consideration when deciding who deserves to move up in the ranks,” said Rosemary Haefner, chief human resources officer at CareerBuilder. “While your work performance may be strong, if you’re not presenting yourself in a professional manner, it may be preventing your superiors from taking you seriously.”

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. — Robert Benchley, Benchley’s Law of Distinction

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 08, 2018…

Hearts Beat Loud-–This is a film in which a father and his daughter decide they want to start their own band. Maybe, do a little DJ, too.  Does it work? Well, some of the time. Stars Nick Offerman and Kiersey Clemons. What is on your Play List? Offerman has Tom Watts “Get Behind The Mule” and Kiersey Clemons has “Jamming” by Bob Marley & the Wailers.” “Hearts Beat Loud” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Hereditary—This is a movie about relatives.  Specifically, dead relatives who make up a family’s history.  In this case, a family gets together after the death of the head lady of the family. To say that family history and information comes forth is putting it mildly.  This film caused a stir at the last Sundance Film Festival. Hold on to your arm rests.  The stars are Toni Collette, Gabriel Byrne, Alex Wolff and Milly Shapiro. “Hereditary” is rated R. No rating.

Hotel Artemis—The year is 2028 AD and Los Angeles is beset by riots. Sound familiar?  In this setting, criminals come to a “special” hotel to have medical treatment done. Head of the “hotel” is Jodie Foster.  So, this is what the future holds for health insurance? Also, in the cast are Sterling F. Brown, Sofia Boutella and Jeff Goldblum (what, no dinosaurs?) “Hotel Artemis” is rated R. No rating.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? —This delightful and informative documentary about one of television’s most loved people, features Mr. Rogers (Fred Rogers). This talented man showed children and adults that kindness is more than just a word in the dictionary. Rogers did his own drawings and material and songs and his neighborhood was the one everyone wanted to live in. Directed by Morgan Neville, this is family entertainment. “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” is rated G. Rating of 4 for fans and you all know who you are. By the way, Tom Hanks is looking at starring as Fred Rogers in a future film.

Ocean’s 8—The “Ocean’s 11, etc.” films starring George Clooney, were classy tales of major robberies that went off like clockwork. This time, there are ladies who do the planning and the heist. Here is the cast: Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Anne Hathaway, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter and Awkwafina. Anne Hathaway plays the role of the rich, spoiled actress who has a diamond necklace the size of a harness. To say the character Hathaway plays is vain is putting it mildly. As you can imagine, fashion is top on the list of watchables. Basic plot is that there is pre-planning, a heist, and how to get away with it. Sandra Bullock’s character is Debbie, Danny Ocean’s sister. Each person on the team has a special skill. “Ocean’s 8” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

JUNE 15, 2018…

Incredibles 2 is the long-awaited sequel to the first “Incredibles” film with a power family. Voices of Craig T. nelson and Holly Hunter.

Superfly is a remake of the 1972 film about a drug dealer. This version stars Trevor Jackson from television’s “American Crime.”

Set It Up is a comedy where two junior executives try to match up their bosses. Stars Zoey Deutch and Glen Powell.

Tag takes the children’s game and humorously brings it into the adult world where guys try to out-do each other. Stars Jon Hamm and Ed Helms.

Gotti (this film was to have opened in the fall of 2017) stars John Travolta as John Gotti.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.