June 15, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180615
PDF: 20180615

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hi. (Sorry, that’s about all I have the energy for right now.)

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Our country abounds in the necessaries, the arts, and the comforts of life.” – James Madison

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” –Ephesians 3:17-19

The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. — Habakkuk 3:19

Since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. — Colossians 1:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. — Romans 6:13

Thought: This long verse boils down to a very simple message: We are to glorify God by what we do with our bodies. We were dead in our sin, but God has made us alive through our participation with Jesus in his saving death, burial, and resurrection. How can we go back to the hideous sins that master us and lead us to death? We shouldn’t! We mustn’t! And by God’s gracious help, we won’t. Our commitment to live for his glory and the power of the Holy Spirit will help us live for him!

Prayer: Father, God of grace, please forgive me for the times in my past when I flirted with sin. I know how much you paid to redeem me from my sin. I know the power of Satan to use sin to entrap and enslave me. Bless me as I commit to live for you, with Jesus as my Lord, and the Spirit empowering me to honor you. In Jesus name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Ephesians 6:15 NIV = And with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 15, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
192 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is HEE HAW DAY, marking the debut of the TV show on June 15, 1969. Critics hated the show.  ***Which explains why it lasted 20 years. (audio clip)

Today is SMILE POWER DAY.

Today is NATIONAL SNEAK A KISS DAY.  ***And if you do so successfully, you’ll probably get a powerful smile!

TODAY IS ALSO…

Global Wind Day
Magna Carta Day
Native American Citizenship Day
Nature Photography Day
National Day of Prayer for Law Enforcement Officers
National Flip Flop Day
Prune Day
Work@Home Father’s Day

World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Worldwide Day of Giving

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, JUNE 16

Bloomsday
Fudge Day
Ladies’ Day (Baseball)
Mermaid Day
Polar Bear Swim
World Juggling Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 17

Dollars Against Diabetes Day
Eat Your Vegetables Day
Family Awareness Day
Father’s Day
Husband Caregiver Day
National Garbage Man Day
Stewarts Root Beer Day
Turkey Lovers Day
World Day To Combat Desertification and Drought
World Tesselation Day

MONDAY, JUNE 18

Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday (Superman)
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
Sustainable Gasteronomy Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 19

Free BSD Day
Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Juneteenth
National Watch Day
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20

American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 21

Ann & Samantha Day
Atheists Solidarity Day
Cuckoo Warning Day
Dump The Pump Day
Go Skateboarding Day
International Day of Yoga
Litha
Midsummer
National Daylight Appreciation Day
National Day of The Gong
National Sea Shell Day
National Selfie Day
Recess At Work Day
Summer Solstice
Summer
Tall Girl Appreciation Day
World Giraffe Day
World Handshake Day
World Humanist Day
World Hydrography Day
World Music Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 22

Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day
HVAC Technicians Day
Global Smurfs Day
National Eat At A Food Truck Day
Stupid Guy Thing Day
Ugliest Dog Day

World Rainforest Day
Worldwide VW Beetle Day

ON THIS DAY

1860: Florence Nightingale started her School for Nurses at St. Thomas Hospital in London.

1902: In possibly the worst baseball game ever pitched, Texarkana’s C. B. DeWitt lost 51-3 to Corsicana in the Texas League. Corsicana’s Nig Clark hit eight home runs in a small park in Ennis, where the game had to be played because of Corsicana’s Sunday “blue” law.

1928: During a triple steal, 41-year-old Ty Cobb stole home the 50th and final time in his 24-year major-league career. Cobb’s Tigers beat the Indians 12-5.

1950: Michel Lotito was born in Grenoble, France. Known as “Mr. Eat-It-All,” Michel ate metal and glass for years. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, he is the only human known to have actually eaten 10 bicycles, seven TV sets, a shopping cart, a coffin (handles and all), a computer, and a small Cessna airplane.

1956: John Lennon met Paul McCartney in Woolton, England, at a church party. John was 15; Paul was 13.

1990: In Madrid Keith Richards and Charlie Watts overdubbed tracks for a tribute album to the late Charlie Mingus. Both played on “Oh, Lord, Don’t Drop That Atomic Bomb On Me.”

1992: U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle advised a Trenton, New Jersey, elementary school student to spell “potato” p-o-t-a-t-o-e.

1994: Disney’s movie “The Lion King” opened in American theaters.

1996: Ella Fitzgerald, the “first lady of song,” died in Beverly Hills at age 78. Her #1 hits included were “A-Tisket, A-Tasket,” “I’m Making Believe,” and “Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall.”

1996: Roy Jones Jr. successfully defended his IFB super-middleweight boxing title against Eric Lucas after scoring five points that afternoon in a U.S. Basketball League game to help the Jacksonville Barracudas beat Treasure Coast.

2001: A Houston jury convicted accounting firm Arthur Andersen of obstruction of justice, the first conviction involving the collapse of Enron.

2003: A specialty grocery store opened in London that sold only tomato ketchup. Tammy Omoniabipi and sister Patsy stocked their store with 9,432 bottles of ketchup.

2004: Tim Berners-Lee received the $1.2 million Millennium Technology Prize in Helsinki, Finland, for creating the World Wide Web.

2005: An autopsy on Terri Schiavo showed she had been in a persistent vegetative state. The medical examiner in Largo, Florida, found she had massive and irreversible brain damage and was blind, and found no evidence that she was strangled or otherwise abused.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1215: King John signs the Magna Carta, which begins, “The Church of England shall be free.

1520: Leo X issued the papal encyclical Exsurge Domine, which condemned German Reformer Martin Luther as a heretic on 41 counts and branded him an enemy of the Roman Catholic Church.

 

1649: Margaret Jones of Charlestown became the first person tried and executed for witchcraft in colonial Massachusetts.

 

1686: In Boston, the King’s Chapel was organized. It was the first Anglican church established in colonial New England.

 

1950: American missionary martyr Jim Elliot wrote in his journal: “A man without Christ has his roots only in his own times, and his fruits as well.”

 

1979: Greater Europe Mission moved its headquarters from Chicago to Wheaton, Illinois. Founded in 1949, GEM is an evangelical missionary agency involved in church planting and evangelism in over a dozen European countries.

1997: NewSong’s “Rhythm of the World” was the #1 song on CRR’s AC and CHR charts.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Doogie Howser, M.D.”, “How I Met Your Mother”) Neil Patrick Harris, 45 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“King of Queens”) Leah Remini, 48 (audio clip)

  • actor/rapper (“Law & Order: SVU”) Ice Cube, 49

  • Actress (“Friends”, Scream movies) Courtney Cox, 54 (audio clip)

  • Actress (“Mad About You”, What Women Want, Twister, As Good As It Gets) Helen Hunt, 55 (audio clip)

  • Actor (‘According to Jim”, Jingle All The Way, “The Defenders”) Jim Belushi, 64 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1843 : Edvard Grieg

1910 : David Rose

1929 : Nigel Pickering (Spanky and Our Gang)

1937 : Waylon Jennings

1941 : Harry Nilsson

1946 : Ian Matthews

1946 : Noddy Holder (Slade)

1949 : Russell Hitchcock (Air Supply)

1950 : James Smith (The Stylistics)

1951 : Steve Walsh (Kansas, Streets)

1954 : Garry Roberts (The Boomtown Rats)

1954 : Terri Gibbs

1956 : Bernie Shaw (Uriah Heep)

1963 : Scott Rockenfield (Queensrÿche)

1966 : Michael Britt (Lonestar)

1966 : Rob Mitchell (Sixpence None the Richer)

1969 : Ice Cube

1976 : Dryden Mitchell (Alien Ant Farm)

1981 : Billy Martin (Good Charlotte)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do pigeons so easily adapt to city living?
One could speculate that it’s because cities have the greatest concentration of automobiles and window ledges. The pigeon’s mission in life is to befoul these objects, and city living gives them a clear shot at many targets -a turkey shoot, you might say. Those who study such things, though, have a different view of the matter. They point out that pigeons have a long history of domestication. Being descended from tame birds makes them used to always having people around. These experts also observe that pigeons appear to have originated in areas of North Africa characterized by cliffs. Tall buildings thus remind them of their ancestral homes. Anyway, whoever comes up with a definitive answer will have scored a real coo–uh, coup.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A survey says 25% of Americans acquire 1,300 calories at work every week from food they did not bring themselves.  ***That sounds like a WIN to me.

According to a recent survey, over half of all Millennials expect to become millionaires.  ***To recap, as expected, half of all Millennials are delusional.

Following last week’s summit, North Korea reporting that Trump has agreed to lift sanctions, while Trump’s team is proclaiming that “there is no longer a nuclear threat” on the Korean peninsula. ***Sounds like a win on both sides – but then, you can never be too sure when you gave language translation duties to the lower bidder.

A study by the CDC says toddlers are eating too much sugar. ***The CDC? The Center for Disease Control?  Since when is sugar considered a disease?  And if so, why is disease sold so freely as an impulse item in store checkout lines?

A Singapore man with a love for sniffing women’s armpits was sentenced to 14 years in jail. The 36-year-old assaulted 23 women over the course of 15 months, smelling their armpits and touching them in elevators, stairwells and their homes. ***Mom always used to tell us to wear clean underwear when leaving the house – she didn’t say a thing about deodorant.

Just so you know, the Hallmark Channel’s “Countdown to Christmas” this year begins October 25th. ***Which is perfect, because torches and pitchforks will still be on sale for Halloween so we can stock up before attacking the corporate offices of the Hallmark Channel.

The World Cup will be hosted by the United States, Canada and Mexico in 2026. ***And I for one appreciate them giving me 8-years advance notice to give me plenty of time to come up with an excuse to get out of watching boring soccer games.

The number of men going under the knife for procedures has skyrocketed. In 2017 alone, more than 1.3 million cosmetic procedures were performed on men.  ***And I can totally understand if we’re talking breast reduction surgery.

There’s a trend among banks to do auto loans for up to 84 months, to help keep car payments down. ***Meaning you’ll have your car paid off in seven years – just in time to buy a new one with a seven year loan because your previous car is about to kick the bucket.  That’s not a loan… that’s a lease.

Workers in France have made an amazing and unexpected discovery while demolishing an abandoned house – 600 gold coins. Police say workers discovered the coins in the cellar in a mysterious, shell-shaped container. The coins were Belgian, dated 1870, and bore the face of the then-reigning king of Belgium, Leopold II. The treasure has since been put under lock and key until they uncover more information about its origin. The coins are believed to be worth close to $120,000. If no clear owner can be identified, it’s “finders keepers.”  ***No clear owner?!?!  I’m pretty sure those are mine.  Yep, most definitely mine.

Ariana Grande’s engagement ring took two weeks to make.  ***Seeing as she’s only been dating Pete Davidson a month, that means Petey was planning to propose after only seven days of dating.  Do you really want to be married to someone that flighty?

Nordstrom is launching a new home and wellness collection that features a marijuana-scented candle.  ***It’s all the benefits of the skunky smell without the annoying side-effect of feeling relaxed.

A former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader is suing the team, saying that she was paid only 25% of what was being given to the team mascot.  ***You gotta admit though, the Cowboy mascot made those football pants look good.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Even if you feel alert and think you’re getting enough sleep, constant yawning clues you in that you’re probably sleep deprived, says Lisa Shives, MD, a sleep medicine specialist in Evanston, Illinois. “You’re likely getting poor quality sleep from waking often in the middle of the night or not achieving deep sleep,” she says. ***Either that, or your life is reeeeeally boring.

Statisticians from Harvard and the California Institute of Technology have created a mathematical formula to determine whether or not you should wait for the bus that is running late or leave the bus stop and walk to your destination. The formula takes into account many factors including the number of bus stops, the distance you’re traveling, the average speed of the bus versus the average speed of walking, and the probability of the bus showing up or passing you as you’re walking. ***Unfortunately, by the time you’ve finished the calculations you’ve already missed your bus.

The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that Americans are getting less and less sleep, and that it’s becoming a health concern. The CDC calls sleep loss an under-recognized public health problem associated with obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, cardiovascular disease, depression, cigarette smoking and excessive drinking. ***This is exactly why I sleep on the job – it’s to benefit my health.

Researchers have begun testing a drug that — they say — could stop the aging process. ***Forget that – how about one that reverses aging? I’m okay living a couple hundred years, but not if I’m going to look like this.

Here’s an indication of how influential Instagram is: parents are now naming their babies after the app’s photo filters — Lux, Amaro, Hudson, Kelvin, Valencia and others. ***And if you name your kid “X-Pro II” you should probably be reported to child welfare.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was fixated on one and only one thing… to do whatever he could to beat Steve Mozart at something. He’s tried everything, and his latest project was so frustrating that he pounded the table, a vase fell and broke on his head, and now Millard is in the hospital!


CLOSE: Now that’s gotta hurt! Not the shot, that is – but the idea that even Steve Mozart gets more attention in the hospital! Maybe Millard should just give this whole idea up. It’s getting way too dangerous now. Hopefully he’ll learn his lesson in our next episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

What do you do for a man who has cancer?  Fire him from his job, of course!

54-year-old Ronald Michalowicz is a fire inspector for Bedford Park, Illinois. That is he WAS a fire inspector. He was fired after 28 years on the job — about one year shy of retirement — for violating the town rules against soliciting charitable contributions. But get this — the solicitation was initiated by other people to help pay for Ronald’s treatment for tongue cancer, which was thought by doctors to be quickly fatal. However, Ronald got his miracle, beat the odds, and survived after chemotherapy. So he returned to work. But even though a town official, having noted Ron’s near-terminal condition earlier, approved the solicitation, when he came back to work other officials insisted on enforcing the no-solicitation rule and had him fired! Heartless jerks.  He has rightfully sued for wrongful discharge.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS YOU WON’T HEAR DAD SAY!

10) Can you turn up that music? It really calms my nerves.

9) You can’t finish your peas? Go ahead and throw ’em away.

8) Here, you take the remote.

7) Oh no, kids, this sled is too fast!

6) No, honey, sit this one out. I really can’t wait to change that diaper.

5) As a matter of fact, let’s both go get nose rings!

4) Hey, kids! Sit down at the table and try my vichyssoise.

3) Go ahead, take my car-and here’s fifty bucks for gas.

2) Waiter! More ice cream for the little one!

1) Where do babies come from?

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

What people sometimes fail to realize is that it isn’t important whether the police get their man. It’s only important that the police get A man.

FILE #1: Brian Mulligan was arrested on a driving charge. He spent 20 hours in a police cell before being driven 150 miles for a court appearance. You see, he had the same name as a man on an arrest warrant. His address and date of birth did not match but it was close enough for the police. Never mind the fact that they had the wrong man. It was close enough for the Greater Manchester Police, but not close enough for the courts who released him because he was, after all, the wrong man. So they let him go, 150 miles from home, with no means to return home. He had to hitch a ride. Needless to say, he’s upset… and he’s suing. I would too.

FILE #2: When rescue crews arrived at McCail’s home in Akron, Ohio, after a series of confusing phone calls, they did not find a medical emergency. But they did find a batch of newborn puppies. McCail delivered 13 healthy puppies on her own. In the process, authorities say she abused the 911 emergency system meant to save human lives. “That means they can’t respond to another call that may be in their immediate vicinity,” said Lt. Alan Bragg of the Akron Fire Department. “And that call could be for something that’s very serious.” McCail is now facing criminal charges for calling in a false alarm. “We’re trained to save human lives, not animal lives,” Bragg said. “Woman in labor? Yes, we do [that]. Dogs, no.”

FILE #3: An Illinois man robbed a gas station and then fled, well maybe ‘fled’ is not a good word, who slowly, very slowly, drove off in an 18-wheel tractor-trailer, which also had his name on the door. He drove away so slowly, in fact, that the manager had time to call the police and get into her own car and tail him, even having to slow down at times so she wouldn’t bump into him. Easy day for the Illinois police.

STRANGE LAW: In Pueblo, Colorado, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A man is acquitted of drunk-driving because he was too drunk!

In August, a Portland, Ore., jury acquitted drunk-driving defendant Robert Lee Buskirk after a judge accepted his argument that incriminating statements he made at the scene not be used against him because he was so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing when he waived his “Miranda” rights.

PHONER PHUN

Dads love to tell the same stories over and over, don’t they? All dads do. What story does your dad love to tell, and will do so at the drop of a hat?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Reuben, Gad, and half the tribe of __________ inherited land on the east side of the river Jordan.

ANSWER: Manasseh (Joshua 1:12-15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many siblings did Snoopy from the “Peanuts” comic strip have?

ANSWER: Seven siblings. Snoopy’s father once received a Father’s Day card from “all eight” of his children, which means Snoopy has seven siblings. However, only five names are known: Spike, Andy, Olaf, Belle, and Marbles. Snoopy grew up on the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are only three animals with blue tongues. (True: the Black Bear, the Chow Chow dog and the blue-tongued lizard)

2. Hacky-sack was invented in Hackensack, New Jersey. (False – it was invented in Turkey0

3. The pupil of an octopus’ eye is rectangular. (True)

4. In every episode of Seinfeld there is an image of Superman somewhere. (True)

5. Pledge Floor Cleaner is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. (False – Murphy’s Oil Soap)

6. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. (True)

7. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is to keep horses from going upstairs. (True. From the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.)

8. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was called “American Pie.” (True, thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

9. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year. (True, because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.)

10. The roaring lion in the MGM logo was named Leo. (False, it was named Volney and lived at the Memphis Zoo)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

MAD ______ ON THE LOOSE! (DENTIST)

El Dentista is on the loose in New Mexico – and he’s coming after your teeth!

Police say Alejandro Colinas, known as El Dentista, is attacking citizens in New Mexico and cleaning their teeth, giving them root canals, and extracting wisdom teeth.

Colinas has been practicing out of his car for five years. Officers found portable drill, teeth molds and prescription drugs scattered around the vehicle

El Dentista has attacked hundreds of citizens.  In public places, he puts a gas mask over their face and drags them to his car where he works on their teeth.

It started with Colinas operating as a ‘mobile dentist’ out of his small sedan around Santa Fe.  But soon he realized that many people did not take care of their teeth properly and “that really set him off.”

“Colinas started attacking people and making sure that they had their cavity filled and that they understood the importance of good hygiene,” said Sgt. John Malley.  ”He’s sort of a Robin Hood of dentists.  He takes bad teeth and makes them good.  Unfortunately, he’s also attacking people and operating on their teeth without their permission.”

Authorities are asking all victims of a man known as ‘El Dentista’ to file a report.

One woman told investigators she had teeth removed by Kestler but he didn’t come through with replacements.

Celina Westervelt, a spokeswoman for the Santa Fe Police Department, described the conditions inside Kestler’s dental practice on wheels as ‘disgusting,’ explaining that the car was filled with ‘leftover residual materials.’

Among the items seized from the red Chevy sedan were teeth molds scattered around the interior and prescription drugs, including Lidocane, Epinephrine, Septocaine and Disprospan.

Colinas was arrested but escaped from jail using a dentist drill he had in his pants.   If you see him in Santa Fe – cover your mouth and run!

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. “I guess you’re never too old,” the first one boasted. “Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she’d be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don’t quite understand it.”

“Well,” said his friend, “you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don’t mind being the one to ask.”

“No, I don’t think it’s that.”

“Well, maybe you remind her of her father.”

“No, it’s not that either.  When she mentioned that she wanted to date me, she also said something about Carbon 14.”

JOKE #2

Three seniors were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second senior chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem—knock on wood. “She rapped her knuckles on the table, pause for few seconds and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it.”

JOKE #3

It was Mickey’s first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out “44” and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called “16” and again there was laughter.

A third voice called “62” which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn’t know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

“Yeah, whaddaya want?” came the gruff reply from next door.

“What’s going on, here?” asked Mickey.

“Well,” said the other inmate, “down in the prison library there’s only one joke book. We’ve all read the book so many times that we don’t waste time telling the joke, we just call out it’s number.”

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out “44” and everyone laughed! He tried calling “16” and “62” and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes – still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

“Yeah, waddaya want?” asked the other inmate.

“I don’t understand it,” asked Mickey, “Why is Tommy STILL laughing?”

“Well,” said the gruff inmate, “He’d never heard that one before!”

USELESS FACTS

Lifeguards in Sydney, Australia, are allowed to fine swimmers who disobey orders and do things like swim outside designated safe surfing sections on beaches. ***The fines range from $32 for swimming outside the flagged areas to $118 for singing Beach Boys songs without a clear understanding of four-part harmony.

In 1905, Chapman and Skinner in San Francisco invented the first portable electric vacuum. ***Before that, hauling around your vacuum cleaner from place to place really sucked.

FEATURED FUNNIES

A FATHER’S NOTE TO PROSPECTIVE SUITORS

  • Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

  • Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

  • Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

  • Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am thebarrier, and I will kill you.

  • Rule Five: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge e. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

  • Rule Six: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

  • Rule Seven: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am all-knowing!

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WRONG TURN

An elderly couple has been found after being missing for six days… turned out they were just lost.

We’ve all been on a road trip and taken a wrong turn, right? Or maybe you know where you’re going, but didn’t realize that there was going to be construction and that you’d have to take a detour. It takes a little longer to get to our destination, and it’s a bit annoying, but it doesn’t cause a huge problem in our lives… right? That’s not the case for Albert Boveroux and Marie Schellings. Albert and Marie were on their way to go see some local waterfalls about 46 miles from their home when they ran across some construction, diverting traffic. Somehow, they got lost, ended up in Germany, couldn’t figure out the traffic signs, and were lost for almost an entire week! For six days they did nothing but drive in their car, eat their picnic lunch, drink bottled water, and stop for gas. I know what you’re thinking… obviously it was Albert that was driving. He’d stop for gas, but asking directions was apparently out of the question. Typical man driver, right? Well, in his defense, you should probably know that he had no idea how to speak German, and neither did Marie.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

QUOTES ABOUT DADS

  • “It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” — Anne Sexton

  • “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” — Sigmund Freud

  • “A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Unknown

  • “A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” — Gabriel Garcia Marquez

  • “If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.” — Bill Cosby

  • “If my son is getting half as much out of college as the college is getting out of me, he’ll be a success.” — Unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Do you scare easily?

Someone has written that the words “Do not be afraid” appear 366 times in the Bible in some form. That’s one for each day of the year, with one left over for leap year! Those words of encouragement and exhortation meant a lot to those who received them, including Mary (Luke 1:30), Joseph (Matthew 1:20), and the shepherds who heard the angel’s announcement of Christ’s birth (Luke 2:10).

Five-year-old Nathan had to go to the doctor. As they walked back to the examining room, his mother whispered to him, “Don’t be afraid.”

Abby was beside her grandfather as they started to cross a busy street. “Nothing to worry about,” he reassured her.

Max was headed off to kindergarten on the big yellow bus. “Don’t worry,” his mom said. “You’ll be safe.”

In each instance adults reached down and the children reached up, and they held hands as they faced the realities of life together.

In Isaiah, chapter 41, God had been reassuring Israel that even though they were going to go through rough times, He would be with them. Then He said of Himself, “I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand” (Isaiah 41:13). His touch, His presence, His encouragement would carry His beloved people Israel through the difficult times before them.

The same is true for us. When we are facing a few rough days of exams or car trouble or the flu or work (what student hasn’t had days or weeks like this?), it’s God’s powerful, large hand that reaches down to where our small hands can reach up and grasp His. Then He walks with us all the way.

When by faith you’re holding hands with the Lord of the universe, you do not need to be afraid.

I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand. –Isaiah 41:13

LEFTOVERS

MAYBE HE RUNS THE COMPUTER’S TREADMILL?

A computer engineer has found a live mouse inside a faulty PC’s hard drive. Gary Taylor, of Coppull, Lancashire, says the creature caused the machine to short circuit by chewing through wires to make a nest. He thinks the rodent may have crawled into the computer through a tiny hole at the back. The engineer said he looked inside the computer and saw a little face staring back. Mr Taylor, who runs Taylormade Computer Services, cleaned the computer out and set the mouse free. ***MARLAR: Don’t all computers use a mouse?

LIFE… LIVE IT

IMAGES OF FATHER:

At 4 years of age: My daddy can do anything!

At 8 years of age: My Dad knows a lot! A whole lot!

At 12 years of age: My father doesn’t quite know everything.

At 14 years of age: Naturally, Dad doesn’t know that, either!

At 16 years of age: Dad? He’s hopelessly old fashioned.

At 18 years of age: The old man? He’s way outta touch!

At 25 years of age: Well, he might know a little about it.

At 35 years of age: Before we decide, let’s ask Dad about it.

At 50 years of age: I wonder what Dad would have thought?

At 60 years of age: Wish I could talk it over with Dad once more

JUST FOR FUN

T-REX NO MORE?

When is a Tyrannosaurus Rex not a Tyrannosaurus Rex?…

…When it’s Manospondylus gigas! The good old T-Rex might be losing his familiar name. Some T-Rex bones unearthed in South Dakota could be part of a fossil found in 1892, before the T-Rex was named. According to the rules of paleontology, the first person to find it names it, and the man who found that skeleton called it “Manospondylus gigas,” which means “giant, thin vertebrae.” “Tyrannosaurus Rex,” by the way, is Latin for “tyrant lizard king.” ***MARLAR: T-Rex’s everywhere are already agonizing over all the potential paperwork… getting their driver’s license changed, their social security cards, monogrammed shirts, etc. Either that, or they’ll go by “The Dinosaur Formally Known as Tyrannosaurus Rex”.

FUN LIST

TOP 10 FATHER’S DAY FLICKS

10) Any John Wayne Movie

9) Field of Dreams (Dad fulfills baseball fantasy)

8) Vacation (Clarke Griswold…nuff said)

7) Parenthood (Dad struggles to control kids)

6) One Fine Day (single Dad meets single Mom)

5) Mr. Mom (Dad finds Mom’s job isn’t so easy)

4) City Slickers (Dad does dude ranch)

3) Mrs. Doubtfire (Dad does high heels)

2) Honey, I Blew up the Kid (Dad messes up)

1) Father of the Bride (Dad pays for wedding)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GET A GOOD NIGHT OF SLEEP

Here are some simple tips to beat insomnia and get a good night’s sleep:

  1. Do something dull before retiring. Do your taxes, read a phone book, sort your laundry. A little of this boredom goes a long way toward promoting sleep.

  2. Drink milk before bedtime. Milk contains substance that relax the body. And the great news is it doesn’t even have to be warm to be effective. Warm it only if you like that way.

  3. Keep the bedroom dark. Light interferes with sleep. Even when your eyes are closed, they still perceive light. Avoid nightlights and illuminated clock dials, and close the shades if light from the outside comes through the window.

  4. Keep the bedroom cool and the bed warm. The ideal sleeping situation is to be bundled warmly in a snug bed in a room that’s well ventilated and a little bit chilly.

  5. Enjoy herbal tea before bed — but not too much of it. Many people sip relaxing teas made from chamomile, passionflower, hawthorn and other herbs to help them get their rest. But remember, drinking too much of any liquid before bedtime can have the opposite effect, particularly if you have a sensitive bladder.

  6. Use your bed for only one thing: sleep. If you like to read yourself to sleep, or knit or work puzzles, do these activities in a favorite chair or sofa. We want our minds to associate bed with sleep.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) If you’re planning on stocking up on sunscreen for summer, remember: Not all products are created equal. The Environmental Working Group has released its list of the best and worst sunscreens for kids. So, before you shop, take a look at this list and feel good about what you’re putting on your children’s skin. According to the EWG, 75 percent of the products the organization examined offer inferior sun protection or contain worrisome ingredients such as oxybenzone, a hormone disruptor, or retinyl palmitate, a form of vitamin A that may harm skin. Scary, right? More concerning is the fact that despite growing awareness of the dangers of exposure to the sun’s ultraviolet radiation, melanoma rates have tripled over the past three decades, EWG states. Even with a high-quality sunscreen, the organization advises those who’ll be outdoors to consider wearing protective clothing and taking advantage of shades spots where possible. Take a look at EWG’s recommendations for which products to use — and which to avoid — for a summer that’s healthy for your little ones’ skin. (thestir.cafemom.com)

Never mind the chill pill take a shot of shuteye instead. A quick nap can help you master your emotions, say researchers at the University of Michigan. People who snoozed for an hour showed a much higher threshold for frustration than non-nappers did, and they invested twice as much time trying to solve a complex task. According to study author Jennifer Goldschmied, Ph.D.(c), the longer you are awake even if you do not feel tired the more your emotional control diminishes. Don’t have an hour to burn? Thirty minutes should be nearly as effective. (Men’s Health)

Even if you are having a sad desk salad, grab a real fork, knife, or spoon. People who eat with heavy utensils enjoy food 10 percent more than those eating with cheaper flatware, a recent study finds. “You’ll believe the quality of your food is better,” says coauthor Charles Michel, chef-in-residence at the University of Oxford. Weightier silverware may also help you slow down and be mindful, which could equal eating less. (Cosmopolitan)

Getting food delivered sure is convenient but it is also a surefire way to gain weight. According to a study in the journal Management Science, if you place an order on the phone or online and have it delivered, you are likely to buy about 100 calories more food than if you order it in person. It is the anonymity of not having to face a potentially judgmental server that frees customers up to pile on the extra food, researchers concluded. “Alone in your home, you do not face the same judgment about food choices you would when you are out,” says study head Ryan McDevitt, Ph.D. but if you must call it in, he says, “Avoid overindulging by placing the order while around family members.” (Men’s Fitness)

Want to live longer? Get a woman doctor. That’s the conclusion of a new Harvard study that found elderly patients are less likely to die if they are treated by a woman. In fact, if all doctors performed as well as women doctors, some 32,000 lives would be saved each year. And female docs are pulling this off while being paid less and promoted less often than men! So why is this? Study lead author Dr. Ashish Jha said, “The data out there says that women physicians tend to be a little bit better at sticking to the evidence and doing the things that we know work better.” Previous research has shown “female physicians have a more patient-centered communication style, are more encouraging and reassuring, and have longer visits than male physicians.” (NBC News)

15% of office e-mail is gossip. While we read our e-mail inbox, plowing through the latest budget spreadsheet, the calendar request for a meeting and a request from the boss for an ASAP review of a high-priority document, what we’re really focused on is each other. The average corporate e-mail user sends 112 e-mails every day. Of those, about one out of seven is gossip, according to a study by researchers at Georgia Tech. What’s more, the gossip is prevalent at all levels of the corporate hierarchy, though lower-level employees gossip the most.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Remember, in case of a tornado, stay tuned to this station to hear (OTHER JOCK) scream.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 15, 2018…

Loving Pablo (opening in select cities)—This film is a study of the leader of a drug cartel. Javier Bardem plays Pablo Escobar, and in this film (based on real life), we see the connection between Escobar and a reporter, Virginia Vallejo (played by Penelope Cruz.) What is Escobar’s life really like? Also in the cast is Peter Sarsgaard. “Loving Pablo” is rated R. No rating.

Incredibles 2—This reviewer has waited in vain for Plastic Man to have his own film. Alas, no, but second best is Helen Parr (voice of Holly Hunter) who is the Mom (ElastiGirl) of the Paar family, and Dad (Bob, voiced by Craig T. Nelson is Mr. Incredible.) The kids have their own special gifts from throwing fire (the baby Jack) to physical strength. This family really stays together.  Now, in the plot which begins after the first film, a super hero is needed to give the public positive publicity, so ElastiGirl is chosen. That means Mom goes out to work while Dad stays home with the kids. Not always fun when the teens, Violet and Dash (Sarah Vowell and Huck Milner) begin to explore their own powers and like what they have. Violet can be invisible which Dash can bounce all over the place. As for the baby?  He has his own agenda, sometimes.  Is the general public ready for this? We will see and in the meantime, are real theater audiences so immersed in super characters, whether real actors or animation, that they would yawn their way through “Incredibles 2?” Time will tell, but methinks, since the first “Incredibles” was a hit (with an Oscar, too) that fans are still there and ready to follow the Parr family exploits. Also in the cast are Bob Odenkirk and Catherine Keener. “Incredibles 2” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Superfly—This reviewer has worn out the tape of the soundtrack to the first “Superfly” film. Now comes a remake starring Trevor Jackson as Priest, a top drug dealer who wants one more large job before leaving the business.  Priest is known for his wardrobe, too. Can he do it? One big score and then walk away? By the way, if Trevor Jackson’s name sounds familiar, he was Simba in a National Touring Company of “The Lion King” and is on television’s “grownish.” Also in the cast of “Superfly” are Jason Mitchell and Michael E. Williams. Director is Director X. “Superfly” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Set It Up—Here comes a comedy about two overworked junior executives who want to get their bosses together. The reason being” this would give the junior’s more time rather than work. The best thought-out plans don’t always go together. Zoey Deutch is one junior and Glen Powell is the other.  Will their plan work? Also in the cast are Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs. “Set It Up” is 

rated PG-13. No rating.

Tag—Do some adults ever really grow up?  Not in this film, that has Jon Hamm, Ed Helms, Hannibal Buress, Jake Johnson and Jeremy Renner trying to get at each other even as adults. No one, even at their age, wants to be “it.” Now the plans develop and nothing is sacred, including work, someone’s wedding and even a funeral. The stunts took their toll on the actors, too, with injuries. “Tag” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “Tag.” 

Gotti—This film was to have opened in December 2017. John Gotti was a famous mobster in New York City. He ruled the town and in this film, John  Travolta takes on the role of Gotti, with Kelly Preston as his wife and Spencer Lofanco as his son, John Gotti, Jr. Violence follows the life of someone in crime. Also in the cast are Stacy Keach and Leo Rossi. “Gotti” is rated R.  No rating. 

JUNE 22, 2018…

Damsel is a western starring Robert Pattison about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Andrew Garfield doing the same thing?

Under The Silver Lake is a mystery/thriller starring Andrew Garfield about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Robert Pattison doing the same thing?

Boundaries is about a family traveling across country—and they don’t really want to because of Grandpa who sells weed on the side.  Stars Christopher Plummer.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.