June 17, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160617

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

A little cool this morning. Too cool for me to wear my shorts — which means I shaved my legs for nothing.

 

I don’t have any new jokes today, so I’ll talk about (LOCAL SPORTS TEAM).   They’re funny without jokes.

 

I’m working on a new diet. If it works, you’ll want to buy numerous copies of the resulting book because those will be your only meals.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.  — James 5:16

 

The father of a righteous man has great joy; he who has a wise son delights in him. — Proverbs 23:24

 

When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things. — Mark 6:34

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins. — James 5:20

 

Thought: When someone wanders from the path of God, let’s not take that rebellion frivolously. God has given us the tremendous blessing of carrying on the work of our Savior, who came to seek and save the lost!

 

Prayer: Be with those I love who are in rebellion against you, dear Father. Use me to be your agent of restoration. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 Corinthians 6:17 NIV = But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 17, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 190 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL EAT ALL YOUR VEGETABLES DAY.  ***MARLAR: And so long as they are all covered in mozzarella cheese and pizza sauce, no problem.

 

This is NATIONAL FORGIVENESS WEEK, a week to forgive others.  Who do you need to forgive?  ***MARLAR: You can begin by forgiving me, because I should’ve told you about this yesterday.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Eat Your Vegetables Day

National Flip Flop Day

Stewarts Root Beer Day

Ugliest Dog Day

World Day to Combat Desertification and Drought

Work@Home Father’s Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, JUNE 18

Dollars Against Diabetes Day

International Sushi Day

National Splurge Day

Polar Bear Swim

World Juggling Day

Worldwide Knit in Public Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 19

Family Awareness Day

Father’s Day

Garfield the Cat Day

Husband Caregiver Day

Juneteenth

World Sickle Cell Day

World Sauntering Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 20

American Eagle Day

Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day

National Kouign Amann Day

Ride to Work On Your Motorcycle Day

Ryan Moran Day

Summer Solstice (6:34 PM EDT)

World Productivity Day

World Refugee Day

Ann & Samantha Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 21

Atheists Solidarity Day

Cuckoo Warning Day

Go Skateboarding Day

National Daylight Appreciation Day

National Selfie Day

Tall Girl Appreciation Day

World Handshake Day

World Humanist Day

World Music Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22

Global Smurfs Day

Stupid Guy Thing Day

Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 23

International Widows’ Day

Let It Go Day

Pink Flamingo Day

Public Service Day

Runner’s Selfie Day

SAT Math Day

Typing Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 24

Celebration of the Senses

International Fairy Day

Drive Your Corvette to Work Day

Take Your Dog To Work Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1583: Richard Martin of London took out the first life insurance policy, on William Gibbons.  *** Then he started stalking Willie, leaving banana peels in his path, dropping safes on him from windows, that sort of thing.

 

1870: George Cormack was born in Scotland. In 1924, working in the U.S., he invented Wheaties, breakfast of champions.  ***MARLAR: Breakfast of champions – which explains why I’ve never had a bowl.

 

1871: Mr. and Mrs. Martin Bates were married. He was seven feet, two inches tall and she was an even seven feet.  *** Carrying her over the threshold required TWO TRIPS.

 

1879: Daughter Mary Susan was born to Zerelda and Jesse James of Missouri. They already had a 3-year-old son, Jesse Jr.

 

1885: The Statue of Liberty arrived in New York Harbor aboard the French ship Isere.

 

1925: Harvard University granted the first degree in landscape architecture.  *** “And it’s my pleasure to present you, our first valedictorian, with these solid gold pruning sheers…”

 

1927: The United States Postal Service offered a special ten-cent stamp. The stamp honored Charles Lindberg and was the first stamp to feature the name of a living American.  *** The next one honoring a “living American” was for BUGS BUNNY.

 

1933: Vernon Presley, a sharecropper and a truck driver who hailed from Fulton, Mississippi, and Gladys Love Smith, a seamstress from Pontotoc County, Mississippi, were married. Less than two years later, they had twin boys, but the first, Jesse Garon, was still born. The second, Elvis Aaron, was okay and, in fact, did quite well.

 

1957: Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Whole Lot of Shakin’ Going On” entered the Billboard country chart after he performed the song on TV’s “Steve Allen Show.” Sun Records had released the single seven months earlier, but radio stations had refused to play it.

 

1967: The Hollies released “Carrie Ann.”

 

1972: Five men carrying electronic surveillance equipment were arrested in the Watergate office headquarters of the Democratic Party National Committee. The arrest eventually led to the resignation of U.S. President Richard Nixon.

 

1976: What remained of the American Basketball Association, the Nets, Pacers, Nuggets, and Spurs, merged into the NBA.

 

1980: Mrs. Shakuntala Devi mentally multiplied two thirteen digit numbers in twenty-eight seconds.  *** And she was only off by seventy-five digits!

 

1983: Sally Ride became the first American woman in space today in 1983.  *** Wait, that can’t be right – I remember June Lockhart… and Lieutenant Uhura… in space back in the ’60s!

 

1990: After eight days of work, 12 students in Singapore completed a pyramid built with 263,810 bottle caps.

 

1993: A local character stole two security cameras from a Brooklyn bank. Police knew it was him because the last pictures both cameras took showed him unscrewing them from the wall.

 

1994: An estimated 95-million watched on television as police chased O.J. Simpson slowly hour after hour through Southern California. Simpson finally was taken into custody at his home, charged with two counts of murder. He was acquitted in 1995, but lost a civil judgment in 1996 to the victim’s families.

 

1995: The stars of “Laverne & Shirley” were developing a feature film based on the TV series.  *** But it never happened – proving God truly does care about us.

 

1996: Michael Jackson had reportedly purchased several plastic surgery gift certificates to give as Christmas gifts.  *** He then proceeded to use them all on HIMSELF by Labor Day!

 

1999: Pope John Paul had to cancel appearances in Poland because of a bout with the flu.  *** Every time he sneezed, people got to bless HIM for a change.

 

2001: After routinely tardy students claimed they didn’t have alarm clocks, St James’ Primary School in Gorton, England, handed out free alarm clocks to any students that wanted them. Since then, school officials says students arrive a lot earlier and are much more consistent.

 

2006: In a real-life version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears – in reverse – a West Vancouver woman came home to find a young bear eating oatmeal in her kitchen. Police couldn’t get the bear to budge, so they let the animal finish his oatmeal. Eventually the bear decided to go out the same way he got in, through a sliding glass door, and headed back down toward a forest.

 

2014: A convent of nuns in suburban Chicago filed a lawsuit against a nearby strip club; they complained it was playing throbbing music while the nuns try to pray.  *** The music was so loud; some nuns inadvertently began RAPPING the Lord’s Prayer.

 

2014: British police had released a recording of a woman calling 999 (their version of 911) to report an emergency: the guy selling her ice cream didn’t give her enough sprinkles. The woman said: “It doesn’t seem like much of an emergency. But it is a little bit, because I’ve ordered an ice cream and he’s put bits on one side and none of the other. And I’ve said ‘Can you that properly please?’ and he’s like, ‘No.’ He’s refusing to give me my money back and saying that I’ve got to take it like that.” During the call, the woman could be heard continuing to argue with the vendor.  *** And hey British guys: we hear she’s SINGLE!

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1700: Massachusetts Puritans publish a law banning all Catholics on pain of death or imprisonment.

 

1703: John Wesley, founder of Methodism, is born in Epworth, England, to parents Samuel and Susanna. Though Methodism’s emphasis on grace and instantaneous (often emotional) conversion marked a radical departure from high church tradition, Wesley always considered himself an Anglican.

 

1963: The US Supreme Court rules that reading the Lord’s prayer or Bible verses aloud in public schools is unconstitutional.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (The Lost Boys, Sleepers) Jason Patric 50
  • Actor (You’ve Got Mail, Dear God, As Good As It Gets) Greg Kinnear, 53
  • Actor (Larry on “Perfect Strangers”) Mark Linn-Baker, 63 (
    )
  • Actor (“SNL,” Johnny Dangerously, Wise Guys) Joe Piscopo, 65
  • Former Speaker of the House (and 2012 U.S. Presidential candidate) Newt Gingrich, 73

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1882 : Igor Stravinsky

1902 : Sammy Fain

1910 : Red Foley

1930 : Cliff Gallup (Gene Vincent and his Blue Caps)

1939 : Dickie Doo (Dickie Doo and the Don’ts)

1939 : Dave Alldred (The Rhythm Orchids, Dicky Doo)

1942 : Norman Kuhlke (The Swinging Blue Jeans)

1944 : Chris Spedding

1946 : Barry Manilow

1947 : Greg Rolie (Santana, Journey)

1947 : Eric Lewis (Middle of the Road)

1956 : Paul Young

1969 : Kevin Thornton (Color Me Badd)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is someone who’s indecisive “waffling?”

Try to picture a waffle. It has lots of little squares that are ideal for holding syrup, correct? So, what do you conclude about the relationship between this breakfast food’s shape and being indecisive? Well, I hope you find no relationship whatsoever, as there is no relationship between the two. The relationship is between waffle and the Old English word, “wafian,” which meant “to wave.” From that word in the 16th century came another, “whiffle,” which described the wind when it changed direction. (Perhaps someone had a lisp and said what sounded like “the wind is whiffling.”) Now jump to the 1950s and 60s and whiffle ball, a game in which you hit a wind-blown plastic ball with holes in it. That ball, like indecisive people, could go in any direction. So, when waffling on a subject, we’re referring to the whiffle ball. So, why don’t we say that indecisive people whiffle, instead of waffle? Perhaps someone tried to speak with his or her mouth full. I really don’t know. I can’t decide on the matter. If you ask me, I’d have to waffle on the subject… now, please pass the syrup if you don’t mind.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jason Gray says that, on his recent tour, he was with his type of people. Jason says: I pulled up to the bus on the first day of the Where the Light Gets In release tour and this is what I find. Attached was a picture of his tour bus guarded by Storm Troopers.

 

David Crowder posted: Few extra guests at the summer cookout? Nothing my people can’t handle. Attached with a picture of a rake with 15 hotdogs, one on every prong.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A guy in England almost managed to spend $4,000 on something ridiculous. And I say almost because he was lucky enough to stop payment just before the transaction was finalized. At 2 in the morning, while groggy on sleeping pills, the guy thought he’d do a little internet shopping. He ordered a yak. Luckily he managed to stop payment at his credit card company.  ***Yak is also a verb in the story – as it is what you’d do if you are unable to stop payment on buying one!

 

A Florida firefighter saved a guinea pig from a house fire. A dog oxygen mask was placed over Rodney’s face.  ***Forget the family photo albums and the hidden cash in the mattress… we have to save the rodent!

 

For the first time ever, there are now more overweight people in the world than underweight people.  ***Which means we are all now average-sized, and it is YOU that are the morbidly-skinny freaks.

 

Researchers say men who marry intelligent women are less likely to develop dementia later in life.  *** Poor, poor Kanye.

 

The number of previously unknown software flaws used by hackers more than doubled last year, in another sign of the increasing sophistication of cybercrime and online espionage.  In 2015, 54 such holes came to light and were deployed by hackers. That is up dramatically from 24 the year before and 23 the year before that.  ***That Nigerian prince is determined to give you that million dollars whether you want it or not!

 

A hike in the Austrian Alps went way off course for a group of tourists when their guide allegedly got drunk and wandered off, leaving them lost in the mountains. The 60-person group were forced to call mountain rescue services to help them find their way back to civilization.  ***I’m thinking we need to book Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on a mountain hike – who’s with me?

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A study conducted at the University of Dusseldorf in Germany has concluded that young women are better able to cope with stress than young men. ***MARLAR: That shouldn’t be all that surprising seeing as the main cause of stress in young men IS young women.

 

Indian cattle are getting individual identity cards to prevent cattle rustling. Authorities in West Bengal say cows and bulls are often stolen then smuggled into Bangladesh. ***MARLAR: Most of the cows fainted though when shown the ID’s leather carrying case.

 

Airline pilots are choosing their words more carefully nowadays. When speaking to passengers, pilots say “we are experiencing bumpy air” instead of turbulence, “rain showers” instead of thunderstorms and “gate” instead of “terminal,” which people associate with death. Additionally, flights are not late but “delayed.”  ***MARLAR: And your bags weren’t broken into by the baggage handlers, but merely “quality inspected inside and out”.

 

A Virginia Commonwealth University study found that people with bigger brains are smarter than people with small brains.  ***MARLAR: Boy – it’s amazing what students and scientists will rationalize as “important research” nowadays, isn’t it?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Psychic Wins Lottery”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Cecile Kaiser, “Phone on the Throne”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Marvy Snuffleson has just arrived home from a very busy day at school, and he was getting really tired of having to be so busy all of the time.  Working all day at school, working on homework, working on chores, and now his father wants him to work at cleaning up his room!

 

CLOSE: What exactly is a weekly calendar clock-tower good for?  Tune in again next time As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 18/19

 

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is, “As the Jungle Turns!”

 

CLOSE: So what’s so wrong about playing with the new kid?  Nothing, I think… but then, I don’t think like Marvy Snuffleson.  Which is a good thing – otherwise I’d end up being sent to my room, which I’m pretty sure is going to happen to Marvy!  Tune in next time to find out… As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Getting arrested during the job interview… not the best way to make a good first impression! 

If your job interview ends with you being arrested, you likely aren’t going to be getting the job.  Anthony Phillips was arrested during an interview for a job with a Stillwater, Oklahoma construction company when his job prospective employer called the cops.  Apparently he recognized Anthony from the surveillance tapes of a robbery that took place the day before… at the SAME COMPANY he was interviewing at for the job!

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS

 

  1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.

 

  1. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.

 

  1. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

 

  1. The I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

 

  1. The My Boyfriend’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.

 

  1. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.

 

  1. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.

 

  1. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.

 

  1. The I’ve Messed Up Royally and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.

 

  1. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Planning on stealing somebody’s checkbook?  We have a tip on what NOT to do after robbing your victim in today’s files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: Grocery store clerk Gennifer Robinson knew immediately that the customer at her cash register was a crook when the woman tried to pay with a check stolen from Gennifer’s car five days earlier. If that wasn’t enough proof, there was one more thing. “She handed me my own driver’s license,” says the 20-year-old worker at Sav-A-Center in Matairie, LA. Gennifer says she stayed calm and told the woman she had to get the store managers approval. Then she left her register and called the cops, who arrived to find the woman still waiting to check out. Gennifer was visiting a friend when her car was broken into and her purse stolen. Five days later, she says she’d just finished a break at work when a 20-year-old New Orleans woman wrote her a check for $259.17. The clerk was stunned to see her own brown checkbook and the distinctive Looney Tunes background on the check. And the driver’s license — complete with her picture on it — was the last straw, she says.

 

FILE #2: In Brighton, England, police got a tip about a pair of guys who had stolen some cars. They got a warrant and went to the apartment the guys shared. While arresting the two men, the police also found a camera, and decided to develop the film in it. The last four photos on the roll showed the thieves proudly displaying the tools of their trade. They had both posed happily with car keys, screwdrivers, wrenches, and other tools for breaking into cars. The earlier pictures on the roll showed a family on vacation in the Canadian Rockies. It turned out that that the two men had stolen the family’s car, found the camera inside, and snapped several shots of themselves, not realizing that they were linking themselves directly to one of their victims.

 

FILE #3: 19-year-old Brandon Naradovy, of Chino Hills, California thought it would be cool to have his own cell phone, but apparently he didn’t have the money. That didn’t stop Brandon from going to a nearby Radio Shack and picking up a phone. That’s just what he did. He picked up a phone and ran out of the store without paying for it. However, before Brandon beat it, he was nice enough to fill out a credit application with his name and address on it. And, to make policemen’s jobs even easier, Brandon also left behind pictures that he took of himself with the cell phone’s camera.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Colorado one may not mutilate a rock in a state park.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It’s not often you see anything but a Fudgsicle fly out the window of an ice cream truck…

…but when a Wisconsin woman saw an unidentified object land in her front yard, she picked up the phone and called police. The object, it turned out, was an empty can of malt liquor. The driver, David A. Blundell, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and littering. In an interview with local media, Blundell said he did not drink beer while he was driving the ice cream truck. He says, “I’m driving and selling ice cream to kids, you know, and it’s like, dude gave me a beer and I dumped it out and I shot it on the ground. Why I grabbed it I had no idea. That was just stupid. Then I realized, ‘I got to get rid of this, it’s not good.'” Blundell said he didn’t know why the result of a Breathalyzer test he took was three times the level considered evidence of intoxication.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Ever wanted to have your own TV show?  Well, it looks like the Netherlands are willing to give you a shot at it!  TV producers are looking for reality show ideas, and we thought, “hey – that’s a great phone topic!”  If you could create your own reality TV show – serious or funny – what would it be?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What did Peter, James and John do while Jesus prayed in Gethsemane?

ANSWER: They fell asleep / they slept.  (Mark 14:37)

 

QUESTION: Who said, “I called you to curse my enemies, but you have blessed them”?

ANSWER: Balak (Numbers 24:10)

 

QUESTION: For whose sin was Israel defeated in Ai?

ANSWER: Achan (Joshua 7)

 

QUESTION: What did a sinful woman do for Jesus as he had dinner at a Pharisee’s house?
ANSWER: She washed his feet with her tears and hair and poured perfume on them.  (Luke 7:37-39)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many hours does the average child spend in front of the television each week?

ANSWER: 28 hours a week

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The soft drink “7-Up” was introduced at the 1904 St. Louis Exposition. (False, Dr. Pepper)

 

  1. In the year 1763, there were over 2,000 coffee shops in Venice. (False – 200)

 

  1. The highest point of the Empire State Building was put in place by Alfred E. Smith, former governor of New York, on September 17, 1930. (False – he placed the corner stone.)

 

  1. The movie rating “PG-13” was invented for the movie “Jaws”. (False – “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”)

 

  1. “David” is the only sculpture on which Michelangelo is believed to have carved his name. (False – “The Pieta” is)

 

  1. A squid can dig its own den and close the entrance with stones after it is safely inside. (False – but an octopus can.)

 

  1. Former U.S. president Gerald Ford was a car salesman by profession. (False – an attorney)

 

  1. Human beings are the only mammals that drink milk beyond infancy. (True)

 

  1. An albatross in flight can be so perfectly attuned to wind conditions that it may not flap its wings for hours, or even for days. (True, it can even sleep while flying.)

 

  1. A camel can eat a thorny twig without hurting its mouth. (True. The lining of the mouth is so tough that the sharp thorns cannot push through the skin.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

(NONE TODAY)

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

“Strike One!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. “Strike Two!” he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. “Strike Three!”

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!”

 

JOKE #2

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, “What kinds of ice cream do you have?”

“Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

“Do you have laryngitis?” the young man asked sympathetically.

“Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”

 

JOKE #3

(I’m sure every married man in the world can relate to this joke.)

The Rosenthals had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr.Rosenthal was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
 “It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”

“And you?”
“I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Syracuse, New York native Bill Foody has never owned a mobile phone – so imagine the surprise when he received a bill totaling $6500! The 63-year-old Foody says he hardly ever uses a normal phone, let alone a mobile, so he was shocked the bill when he opened his mail. Foody immediately called Cellular One to complain and is waiting to hear from the firm’s fraud department. He is worried the mistake will affect his credit rating. ***MARLAR: He’s also complaining about the roaming charges because he’s never been to Rome.

 

A bride in India asked for volunteers from the audience after her groom got cold feet and deserted her at the last minute. One man stepped up, her parents approved of him and the couple was married.  ***MARLAR: She already has better odds of a lasting marriage than any couple living in Hollywood, USA.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY?

Several years ago, the community theatre group was rehearsing “Little Women” for the Garland Civic Theatre.  The older gentleman who was playing the father’s part was wearing a hearing aid. Everyone wondered why he kept missing his cues until they discovered that it was not a hearing aid; he was listening to a ball game.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SHOTGUN WEDDING

Having a blast at your wedding is one thing… getting blasted in the stomach with an air rifle just before saying your vows is something else entirely!

If you don’t know, Turkish weddings are often rowdy gatherings, in which air rifles and other guns are fired to celebrate the event. Which is ok we guess, unless you hit the bride. That’s exactly what happened to 22-year-old  Aynur Tayoglu.  During the pre-wedding celebration, one of her relatives accidentally shot eight air rifle pellets into her stomach! She was taken to the hospital, but doctors agreed to postpone surgery to remove the pellets after her fiancé’s father refused to set another date for the wedding, saying people had traveled a long way for the day’s ceremony (gee, thanks, Dad!). So they carted her back to the wedding where she said, “I do,” and even danced with her new husband despite her wounds.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE THIEF
 by Jo Hart

After years of wandering, Clint Dennis had come to that point in his life when he knew he had been missing something important. And for months he had felt he could find what that something was in that church on the hillside in North Phoenix.
He arrived at Phoenix First Assembly of God on an unusual day. The choir
room was filled with members putting on long robes, tying ropes around their waists, wrapping headdresses around their head. “Come be part of the mob,” a stranger told him.
It was Palm Sunday and the church was reenacting the Crucifixion in costume. Like others in the congregation, he would be part of the crowd that yelled, “Crucify Him! Crucify Him!” Hesitantly he agreed.
Then another stranger hurried up to him. “The man who was supposed to
play one of the thieves on the cross didn’t show up,” he said. “Would you take his place?”
Again he agreed and was shown to the cross where he would look on as Christ died. Just then, though, something about dint’s manner caught a member’s eye. He turned to Clint and asked, “Have you ever asked Jesus to forgive your sins?”
“No,” Clint replied softly, “but that’s why I came here.” There beneath the cross, they prayed, and Clint asked Jesus to come into his heart. His life was transformed.
What the church didn’t know then was that Clint had been in prison for ten years. Even after his release he had gone on stealing cars and trucks until he knew he had been missing something in life. He was a real thief, but at last he was welcomed into God’s kingdom by the same Jesus who welcomed another thief two thousand years ago.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A tax assessor came one day to a poor pastor to determine the amount of taxes the pastor would have to pay.

The following conversation took place;
“What property do you possess?” asked the assessor.
“I am a very wealthy man,” replied the minister.
“List your possessions, please,” the assessor instructed.
“First , I have everlasting life, John 3:16.
“Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2.
“Third, I have peace that passeth understanding, Philippians 4:7.
“Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8.
“Fifth, I have divine love which never faileth, 1 Corinthians 13:8.
“Sixth, I have a faithful precious wife, Proverbs 31:10.
“Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12.
“Eighth, I have true, loyal friend Proverbs 18:24.
“Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8.
“Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12.”
The tax assessor closed his book, and said, “Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation.”
~ Author Unknown ~

 

 

LEFTOVERS

GIVE TILL IT HURTS – OR I WILL HURT YOU

A priest is accused of kidnapping… his entire congregation!

Desperate for cash to repair the roof of his crumbling church, a parish priest locked his Turin, Italy, congregation inside and refused to let them out until they emptied their pockets into the collection plate. Now 76-year-old Father Dino Giacchero faces charges of kidnapping, false imprisonment, extortion and robbery in a court case that could land him in prison for up to 20 years. “They brought me food and flowers but no money to help our church,” Giacchero said of the congregation in his statement to police. “I got down on my knees and begged them to help but they looked the other way.”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Awhile back a study came out that said some people could be fat and yet still be fit if they were active. Guess again.

New research says that being active is good, but it still won’t eliminate the risks of heart disease. This new study involved nearly 39,000 women with an average age of 54. They were considered active if they got at least 30 minutes of moderate activity most days of the week. However, researchers found they were still at an increased risk of heart problems. But, a leading proponent of the so-called fit and fat theory is sticking by his claims. He says the problem with this new study is that the women just filled out questionnaires on the honor system and weren’t monitored by doctors.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

32 FLAVORS

I scream, you scream, we all scream for horseradish ice cream!  It really exists – along with a few other very strange flavors! 

So… you like ice cream.  You ADORE ice cream.  If that’s true, and you want to sample all of the ice cream flavors of the world, be sure to plan a trip to Max & Mina’s kosher ice cream parlor in Kew Gardens Hills, New York. The store was just featured in Jewish Week magazine, bringing readers up to date on the many offbeat flavors the store makes — all rich in butterfat but meeting various Jewish kosher dietary standards. Some of those delicious kosher flavors include “lox,” “corn on the cob,” “horseradish,” “peanut butter and jelly,” “beer and nuts” and “campfire delight” which is basically the flavor of baked beans. Max and Mina once actually made a “broccoli” ice cream but have since discontinued the flavor due to poor sales.  ***MARLAR: So people are actually ordering the other flavors?

 

 

FUN LIST

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB (These are real examples from real resumes):

  • Responsibility makes me nervous.
  • They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.  Couldn’t work under those conditions.
  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  • The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.

 

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

  • While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.  (Say wha?!?)

 

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

  • Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  • I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

KEYLESS ENTRYLESS

People in Bremerton, Washington, are very frustrated right now… because they can’t get into their cars. It seems that almost everyone in town is unable to use their keyless entry gadgets. No one knows why it’s happening, but it seems to be a problem with almost every keyless entry device for almost every car in the entire town. Even stranger still is the fact that once people leave the area, the devices begin to work again. Speculation about the cause has ranged from solar flares to the International Space Station or possible interference from a local Navy ship. ***MARLAR: Some are also confused about what that key-shaped metal thingy is for that’s hanging off of their keyless entry remotes.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Are you misusing Bible verses and you don’t even realize it?  Here are Five Bible Verses You Might Be Misusing… http://ow.ly/N5sL300prhy

 

10 Things to Do to Help Your Marriage Feel Less Stressed from All Pro Dad.

  1. Always put your spouse first.
  2. Have fun together.
  3. Build together time into your schedule.
  4. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  5. Give back, and do it together.
  6. Communicate clearly and respectfully.
  7. Tell the truth.
  8. Hold hands, hug and make out.
  9. Play to your strengths and hers.
  10. Live within your means

http://bit.ly/1SYKrnu

 

A six year old with autism is helping rescue dogs get socialized by reading to them. Jacob Tumalan reads to shelter dogs every week at the Carson Animal Shelter in Gardena, California, as part of a group called “Rescue Readers.” The boy has been involved with the group for about six months now and the animals aren’t the only ones who have benefited from Jacob’s story time. The boy’s reading skills have improved, and he now reads at a third-grade level. And though Jacob often feels uncomfortable around loud noises, his mother says the reading seems to keep him zeroed in on the pups and more relaxed himself.

http://huff.to/22ic6n4

 

5 Keys To Unlocking Your God-Given Creativity

  1. Recognize where creativity comes from
  2. Understand your creative role
  3. Feed your inner artisan
  4. Write all your creative ideas down
  5. Know your internal clock

http://bit.ly/1ZGvurV

 

5 Things Every Mom Needs to Accept from iMom.

  1. Your child won’t be good at everything.
  2. You can’t always pick your kids’ friends.
  3. You’re going to mess up sometimes and have to do damage control.
  4. Sometimes your kid is going to get a raw deal. And that’s OK.
  5. You are a better mom than you give yourself credit for.

http://bit.ly/1SRTdEQ

 

10 Oddly Practical Things You Can Rent

  1. CHICKENS: Services like RenttheChicken.com, RentaCoop.com and Rent-a-Chicken.net allow you access to all the supplies and chickens you need to get going.
  2. FRIENDS: Making friends is tough. It takes time. That’s where RentaFriend.com comes in.
  3. CASKETS: Because caskets can be expensive, some funeral homes are giving folks the option of renting one for a fraction of the price.
  4. DRESSES: Need a one-time fancy dress for that cocktail party or wedding? Check out services like RenttheRunway.com and WearTodayGoneTomorrow.com
  5. TOYS: Companies like Pley.com offers a subscription service
  6. TOOLS: Need a power saw for that one DIY project? You could rent one at some neighborhood hardware stores.
  7. CHRISTMAS TREES: Available from stores like RentXmasTree.com, LivingChristmas.com and OurCityForest.org
  8. ART: For as little as $15 a month, you can rent artwork, according to TurningArt.com.
  9. GOATS: RentaRuminant.com, WeRentGoats.com and even Amazon.com rents out goat grazers.
  10. BATHROOMS: People have begun renting out their household bathrooms through the app, Airpnp.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/money/spendingandborrowing/10-oddly-practical-things-you-can-rent/ss-BBt1ofl#image=2

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

When I was a boy, I always thought the world was a wondrous and magical place. Now that I’m a man, though, I’ve brought litigation against my parents and their alleged “wondrous and magical Kool-Aid.” –Dan Sternfeld

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 17, 2016…

 

Finding Dory—This animated story, and remember the hit film “Finding Nemo,”  stars the voice of Ellen DeGeneres as Dory, who wants to find her family. Nemo and his Dad are off to join the adventure and help her, along with a myriad of sea creatures. Other voices include Albert Brooks, Dominic West, Hayden Rolence  and Ed O‘Neill. “Finding Dory” is rated G. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Central Intelligence—Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) team up looking for spies in the comedy about two guys who just don’t get along out in the field.  Guess the earthquake belt has quieted down (Reference “San Andreas.”) The mayhem continues. “Central Intelligence” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

 

JUNE 24, 2016…

 

Free State Of Jones stars Matthew McConaughey as a farmer, during the Civil War, who lives in Mississippi and rebels against the South.

 

Independence Day 2: Resurgence and here comes the Mother Ship, about the size of Texas and ready to take on Earth. Stars Liam Hemsworth.

 

The Shallows stars Blake Lively in a survival role as a woman who is surfing and has to fight off a giant shark.

 

Hunt For The Wilderpeople starring Sam Neill as a crusty farmer in New Zealand, has a new opening date. Another view of parenting.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.