June 18, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180618
PDF: 20180618

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today I have really got to finally take down the Christmas tree. It’s a shame, too. I just got the lights to work yesterday.

I do sit-ups every morning. It may not sound like much to you, but there’s only so many times you can hit that snooze button.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Fear is the foundation of most governments; but it is so sordid and brutal a passion, and renders men in whose breasts it predominates so stupid and miserable, that Americans will not be likely to approve of any political institution which is founded on it.” – John Adams

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. — 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses. — Acts 13:38-39

For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. — 2 Corinthians 4:5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.” — Revelation 1:8

Thought: From beginning to end, our God is there! What is there for us to fear? What can happen that can change this one undeniable reality? We belong to the God who is always there, who always cares for us, and who will always work to bring us salvation! No matter what happens to us tomorrow, or the next day, or the one after that, our destiny lies with the God who stretches from beginning to end and who secures for us life that never ends.

Prayer: Father God, thank you for the blessings of this past year. Please guide me as I seek to use your blessings in the coming year. Inspire my confidence about your future for me and fill me with joy because of your salvation. For all that has been good, holy, and gracious, I give you thanks and praise. For all the ways I’ve sinned, failed, or stumbled, I ask for your forgiveness. And for tomorrow, and another new day and another new year, I await with anticipation and gladness for I know that I will see them come or I will be at home with you where days and years no longer matter. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

James 1:18 NIV = He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits of all he created.

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 18, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 189 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is POOH DAY, marking the birth of writer A.A. Milne on this date in 1882. He created Winnie the Pooh. ***I’m guessing that, with a name like that, Pooh got picked on a lot in school.

Today is HAIR DRYER APPRECIATION DAY. ***Just remember to follow the instructions and heed the warning label: “Do Not Use While Sleeping.”

Tonight is NATIONAL LAY AWAKE AND WHISPER IN THE DARK NIGHT. ***Whenever that happens, I just whisper to God to please make me go back to sleep.

Today is U.F.O. DAY, marking the first reported sighting of a UFO in America by Pilgrims in Boston. The year was 1644.

Today is THESAURUS DAY. ***So, what’s another word for “thesaurus”?

Today is MAINTENANCE DAY.

ARE YOU HIGH MAINTENANCE?

Okay, ladies – take this little quiz to find out. Answer true or false to the following questions. Keep track of how many “true” answers you give.

• The first outfit I put on is never the one I end up wearing.

• I have a housekeeper.

• I demand a phone call, or a very good explanation, when someone is late.

• I would never ride in a convertible with the top down for fear of windblown hair.

• My partner should compliment me often, especially before we go out at night.

• I sometimes require much sleep in order to look and feel my best.

• I expect my significant other to give me gifts “just because.”

• At a restaurant, I order my meals with special requirements.

• I never leave the house without blow drying my hair or using a hair product.

• My getting-ready-for-bed regimen last for more than 15 minutes.

Add up your true answers.

• 1-3: Your are a dreamboat! Self-sufficient no matter what is thrown your way. Although you will probably grow to be an easygoing loaner or hermit.

• 4-6: You can get by with little maintenance. Usually you can do your own thing but occasionally you can be a pain in the patootie.

• 7-9: Wow are you needy! Do you even remember a time when you could accomplish task on your own? I hope your hubby has a fat pocketbook loaded with patience to fill your needs.

• 10: You are pathetically high maintenance. Either that or the person you had fill this out for you misunderstood your barked out commands. You might think about these results the next time you are at the nail salon in your Liz Claiborne outfit and Gucci shoes going over next month’s events in your DayTimer.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday (Superman)
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
Sustainable Gasteronomy Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, JUNE 19

Free BSD Day
Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Juneteenth
National Watch Day
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20

American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 21

Ann & Samantha Day
Atheists Solidarity Day
Cuckoo Warning Day
Dump The Pump Day
Go Skateboarding Day
International Day of Yoga
Litha
Midsummer
National Daylight Appreciation Day
National Day of The Gong
National Sea Shell Day
National Selfie Day
Recess At Work Day
Summer Solstice
Summer
Tall Girl Appreciation Day
World Giraffe Day
World Handshake Day
World Humanist Day
World Hydrography Day
World Music Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 22

Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day
HVAC Technicians Day
Global Smurfs Day
National Eat At A Food Truck Day
Stupid Guy Thing Day
Ugliest Dog Day

Take Your Dog to Work Day
World Rainforest Day
Worldwide VW Beetle Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 23

ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day
Great American Backyard Campout
International Widows’ Day
Let It Go Day
National Hydration Day
Pink Flamingo Day (Lawn Ornaments)
Public Service Day
Runner’s Selfie Day
SAT Math Day
Typing Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 24

America’s Kids Day
Celebration of the Senses
Descendants Day
International Fairy Day or Faerie Day
Log Cabin Day
Stonewall National Monument Day

MONDAY, JUNE 25

Color TV Day (CBS)
Day of The Seafarer
Global Beatles Day
Leon Day
National Catfish Day
Please Take My Children To Work Day

ON THIS DAY

1943: A wartime ban on the sale of sliced bread took effect in the United States. The ban was aimed at reducing bakeries’ demands for metal replacement parts.

1956: The first rock ‘n’ roll LP made the Billboard pop album chart: “Rock Around the Clock” by Bill Haley & The Comets. The single had reached only #23 in 1954, but hit #1 when it was re-released a year later.

1973: The group Pink Floyd began recording Dark Side of the Moon, which would set a record by staying on the Billboard album chart for over 14 years.

1975: The situation TV comedy “The Jeffersons,” a spin-off from “All in the Family,” premiered on CBS. (audio clip)

1977: 20-year-old Jean Jawbone was revived by a cardiac team at Health Services Center in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Her heartbeat had stopped for three hours 40 minutes.

1980: New York’s Studio 54 owners Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager were sentenced to 3½ years in prison for tax evasion and fined $20,000. Pundits called it “the day disco died.”

1986: Dionne Warwick’s single for AIDS research, “That’s What Friends Are For,” became her second #1 song.

1989: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in New York City inducted the Rolling Stones, Otis Redding, Stevie Wonder, the Temptations, and Dion.

1989: Donald Burns of Bermuda became the world’s #1 loudmouth by shouting at a Guinness record 119 decibels. He did it at Liberty State Park in New Jersey.

1996: Australian scientists who claimed to have contacted life on other planets stumbled on the real source of the signals — a microwave oven in the kitchen of their laboratory. (audio clip)

1996: Lisa Marie Presley filed for divorce from Michael Jackson after 20 months of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences.

1997: Norwegian Borge Ousland completed a 1,675-mile trek across Antarctica, the first time anyone traversed the continent alone.

2001: A New Zealand thief replied to a newspaper ad seeking a rare tool placed by the builder he stole it from. The Christchurch builder said it was a long shot at recovering his tools, but it worked. Police arrested the thief and also found almost $10,000 worth of equipment taken from another house.

2003: Michelle Kwan won her sixth straight U.S. Figure Skating Championships title and seventh overall.

2003: Protesters nationwide demonstrated in opposition to possible war in Iraq.

2005: A man who threatened to blow up his van one block from the White House surrendered without incident after a lengthy standoff with police in what turned out to be a child-custody dispute.

2005: The Airbus A380, largest commercial jet that carries 800 passengers was unveiled in Toulouse, France.

2007: Police in Waukesha, Wisconsin, were called to rescue a boy who got his tongue stuck to a metal stop sign on a day when the thermometer registered 9 degrees. Police used warm water to free the boy’s tongue as his friends watched. (audio clip)

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1562: The counter-reformation Council of Trent reconvenes after a 10-year break caused by the revolt of Protestant princes against Emperor Charles V. During the break, all hope of reconciliation between Catholics and Protestants had vanished.

1830: Baptism of Tauta’ahau Tupou. King of Tonga by a western missionary. Beginning of a strongly missionary Christian Kingdom.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

• actor (“Freaks and Geeks”, “How I Met Your Mother”, Knocked Up, 11:14) Jason Segel is 39
• Actor (“Law & Order”) Jesse L. Martin, 50
• Wrestler/actor (Guardians of the Galaxy) Dave Batista, 50
• actress (Nellie on “Little House on the Prairie”) Alison Arngrim, 57

• Actor (Field of Dreams, Open Range, Bull Durham, Tin Cup, Man of Steel) Kevin Costner, 64

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1941 : Bobby Goldsboro

1941 : David Ruffin (The Temptations)

1943 : Dave Greenslade

1944 : “Legs” Larry Smith (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)

1953 : Brett Hudson (The Hudson Brothers)

1956 : Tom Bailey (Thompson Twins)

1970 : DJ Quik

1971 : Jonathan Davis (KoRn)

1983 : Samantha Mumba

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we measure water depth in fathoms?

Do you ever get the feeling that you are in over your head? That you just can’t fathom something? That, in short, it’s too deep? There is something so elemental about the ocean depths that we embrace it as a metaphor for the unknown or the unknowable. But ancient mariners sometimes needed literally to plumb the depths — to see if a passage was safe for ships, for example. Mariners determined depth by lowering a weighted rope until it touched bottom and then marking the point on the rope where it broke the surface. When they hauled in the rope they extended their arms repeatedly, fingertip to fingertip, along this length to measure it. They called this unit of measurement a fathom, from an Anglo-Saxon word for embrace (holding out your arms). Today we’re more precise: a fathom is six feet.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

If you’d like to get drunk faster — lose weight. People who undergo gastric bypass surgery get drunk quicker and take longer to get sober. The study (conducted by researchers at Stanford University) found that the procedure, which is increasingly common in the fight against obesity, heightened the effects of alcohol. ***Wait… if you’re trying to lose weight, wouldn’t drinking something with a billion calories – like alcohol – be the last thing you’d want to do anyway?

Some Canadians are boycotting American products and canceling vacations here after President Trump’s recent comments.  ***I would tell you which comments, but I really don’t know – there are just too many to choose from.

A study says narcissists tend to have thicker, denser and more distinct eyebrows. ***And no doubt they are very proud of their eyebrows and believe the entire world should envy them.

Laughter may be the best medicine to get you pregnant, say two professional, accredited medical clowns. Red-nosed jokesters are commonly used in Israeli hospitals to help relieve stress. A study at the Assaf Harofen Medical Center and published in Fertility and Sterility journal proves that 36 percent of the women undergoing in vitro fertilization treatments who were entertained by clowns became pregnant compared to 20 percent of those who did not see the bozos. ***And then nine months later you bring those same clowns back and scare the baby right outta ya!

A California man was arrested after sending his ex-girlfriend 4,000 texts after she broke up with him. ***Now… had you been that communicative with her BEFORE she broke up with you, you’d likely still be together.

Bruno Lozano — a gay flight attendant and high-heel wearing veteran — has been elected mayor of Del Rio, TX.  ***First thing on the agenda, all public officials must come to work looking FABULOUS!

Seniors who shop daily live longer than people who shop infrequently, according to a recent study from Taiwanese researchers. The team followed 1,841 people, all of whom were over the age of 65, and concluded that those who went shopping every day lived longer than those who didn’t. This finding held even after adjusting for pre-existing conditions. Why? The exercise, social interactions and mental activity of shopping all contributed to the life-extending benefits. And get this: The benefits are even more pronounced for men who shop daily.  ***Honestly, I’d think this would be a good reason to die EARLIER… so you don’t have to pay off the credit cards you just maxed out while shopping.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is reportedly going to resign as White House Press Secretary at the end of the year. ***Some people just aren’t really “into” self-torture.

Finding that old flame on Facebook could lead to more than you bargained for. The renewal of that not-so-innocent friendship might end in marital disaster. Facebook is cited as evidence in 66% of divorces in the U.S., according to a survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. In addition, more than 80% of divorce lawyers reported they “have seen an increase in the number of cases using social networking evidence” during the past few years.  ***This is why you should never send a friend request to an ex… just stalk them online silently like the rest of us do.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Think your teen would never text while driving? More than half of high school seniors admitted in a government survey that they’ve done just that. ***In response, churches in America are passing out free bumpers stickers saying, “Honk If You Love Jesus: Text While Driving If You Want To Meet Him.”

Researchers have engineered a hormone to make mice live longer. They are currently studying the possibility of negative side-effects. ***Here’s one negative side-effect… mice live longer.

It can be scary to ask for help. You don’t want to bother people, and you definitely don’t want to seem incompetent or unprepared. But some recent research from Harvard Business School found something reassuring: When you ask for advice, the people you’re asking tend to find you more competent, not less competent. ***So go ahead and ask those stupid questions – they’ll think you’re a genius!

According to a study, kids who go to school next to fast-food chains are fatter. ***But on the plus side, you never have to pack them a lunch.

A Dutch restaurant whose name translates to “The Unwanted Animal Kitchen,” is now offering the “My Little Pony Burger!” You guessed it, the patty itself is made from the meat of butchered, aging horses that have worked at a local amusement park. The idea is to ensure that the meat from older horses isn’t wasted when the animals are put down. The owner and head chef, Babbe Hengeveld, admits the burgers don’t sell that well, “because people do feel bad about the idea of eating horse.” But she serves them anyway saying they keep in line with her philosophy of using meat from animals that would otherwise go to waste. ***Would you eat a horseburger? What do you think, yay or NEIGH?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey had tried everything he could think of to somehow be better than Steve Mozart. But the more he tried, the worse things got… and now he’s in the hospital. But he couldn’t even do that better than Steve Mozart, because HE’S in the hospital too – and in worse condition!

CLOSE: Is it true, will Steve Mozart really live? Will Millard still live? Will Steve be okay in time for his concert – and will Millard still be angry about Steve being better than him? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

It’s a Moment of Duh 30-years in the making!

The Daily Telegraph reports that for 30 years, residents of Elmswell, England, were annoyed by truck drivers pulling into the village and blocking the street while they asked where the bacon factory was. For all that time, they kept lobbying the county council for a sign directing drivers to the bacon factory. This week, a sign finally went up. But there was no celebrating because today, the bacon factory is closing.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REDNECK INDICATORS… PATRIOTIC VERSION!

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It’s time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country, and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I would gladly choose half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.

10. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, “One nation, Under God…”

9. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You have never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

8.YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You still say “Christmas” instead of “Winter Festival.”

7. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You bow your head when someone prays.

6.YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

5. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You treat all veterans, including Viet Nam vets, with great respect, and
always have.

4. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

3. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

2. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You have never burned an American flag in protest.

1. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You would give your last dollar to a friend.

I guess I am a redneck after all..… and proud of it!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Doughnuts lead police to the criminals!

FILE #1: 21-year-old Adam Brett Hancock and 19-year-old Vincent Jonathan Whitley, both transients in Roseburg, OR, stole $900 worth of merchandise including doughnuts – and offered those donuts to a police officer. About an hour later the deputies were investigating a crime that included stolen doughnuts. Sometimes the genius crooks make a police officer’s job just too darned easy.

FILE #2: A 22 year old man stole a taser gun from a police cruiser, then videotaped himself and his father tasing each other with it and put the video on YouTube. Again, making the work of a police officer just too darned easy.

FILE #3: In Springfield, Massachusetts, Darrell Jenkins was arrested on counterfeiting charges and ordered to pay $500 bail. Unfortunately for Darrell, that figure has been raised to $5,000 after he tried to pay the original bail with counterfeit bills.

STRANGE LAW: Using profanity while talking about Country music singer Loretta Lynn is illegal in Kentucky.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

In addition to not operating heavy equipment, one should probably not commit burglary after taking medication.

…Such advice might have meant continued freedom for Bonifay, Florida’s Patrick Richard Hazell. A resident arrived home to find Hazell asleep on his bed with the occupant’s loaded .22-caliber handgun and other items he intended to take from the home. Hazell later told jailers he had taken a large number of muscle relaxants before attempting the crime.

PHONER PHUN

This is U.F.O. Day… have you ever seen one? Tell us about your experience!

In today’s history events we have a story with it… have you ever stuck your tongue to an icy metal pole and had it stick? What was it like? (audio clip)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What is the name of the man who wanted to buy the ability to give the Holy Ghost to whomsoever he wanted?


ANSWER: Simon (Acts 8:18-19)

QUESTION: What does “to poll” mean?
ANSWER: To shave or cut hair (Mic. 1:16, 2 Sam. 14:26 AV)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Name a North American rodent that barks.

ANSWER: The prairie dog… it’s the only North American rodent that can bark.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Spain is ruled by monarchs. (True)

2. The head of Salmon P. Chase was on the U.S. $10,000 bill. (True)

3. Engastrimythos is a fancy name for Rope tricks. (False, Ventriloquism)

4. Rock star Lenny Kravitz is more famous than his mom was. Roxie Roker was a regular on the 1970’s TV show “Different Strokes”. (False, “The Jeffersons”)

5. Born Jeffrey Atkins, Ja Rule played Edwin in “The Fast and the Furious.” (True)

6. Steffi Graf won the French Tennis grand slam for women in 2002. (False, Serena Williams)

7. The movie “Short Circuit” features Fisher Stevens, Alley Sheedy, and Steve Guttenberg. (True)

8. Robert Wagner, star of the Austin Powers movies also played a werewolf on “Buffy The Vampire Slayer.” (False, Seth Green)

9. Rosie O’Donnell once called President George W. Bush, a war criminal. (True)

10. Friend’s star David Schwimmer’s mother was Pierre Trudeaus, press secretary, and his stepfather is anchorman Keith Morrison. (False, Matthew Perry) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ SHARK (FLYING)

NEW ZEALAND –   An airline pilot was stunned to see a flying shark out his cockpit window!

The pilot of a an Air New Zealand flight, was on his descent to Christchurch International Airport on Boxing Day when he radioed ground control with an unlikely sighting – a shark flying at several thousand feet.

The fish out of water was identified great white – which was estimated to be 30 feet in weight and weighted approximately 5,000 pounds.  The pilot saw the shark five times as it approached the airport.  “It seemed to be circling us, waiting to attack or something,” said Captain Michael Stubben of Air New Zealand Flight #79.

A spokeswoman for Christchurch air traffic control, Monica Maron, said a pilot had reported the shark and its location about nine miles from the airport at 2pm on December 26.

“We advised subsequent traffic of its location, and the other pilots adjusted their routes.”

It was not yet known whether the sighting would be formally logged as an air-safety incident, she said.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: “Yes, Mother, I’ve had a hard day. Mary-Louise has been quite difficult…Yes, I know I ought to be more firm with her, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is…

“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was hard to get along with and would make my life miserable, and you warned me not to marry her.
“Oh, how right you were about her!
“You want to speak with her? All right, hold on.”
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, “Mary-Louise, your mother wants to talk to you!”

JOKE #2

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong
feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

The little boy then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

The teacher bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

JOKE #3

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had
already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
”Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother
asked.

“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:
”Don’t worry, Ma, I used the old one!”

USELESS FACTS

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.  ***Probably due to all of those wrong-handed scissors accidents.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.  ***Yet another excuse to avoid going to weddings.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GAVE AT THE OFFICE

During a flood an unfortunate fellow was sitting on top of his roof with the flood waters near the level of his eaves. As he sat there, he spotted a motor boat approaching with a man standing in the bow.  Shortly thereafter, the man raised a bull horn and yelled, “We’re from the Red Cross!”
The man then cupped his hands to his lips and yelled “I gave at the office!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

We’ve heard of long-distance messages, and we all know what it means to litter… but here’s a new one.  Long-distance littering! 

A sailor who sent a message in a bottle out to sea from Long Island, New York, says he got a reply all the way from England — from a guy who accused him of littering! 55-year-old Harvey Bennett said, “I kind of felt like no good deed goes unpunished.” The plastic bottle was one of five that he placed in the ocean off Long Island in August of 2006. Less than a year later, he excitedly opened a letter from England and was stunned by the reply. It read: “I recently found your bottle while taking a scenic walk on the beach by Poole Harbor. While you may consider this some profound experiment on the path and speed of oceanic currents, I have another name for it, litter.” The letter went on to say, “You Americans don’t seem to be happy unless you are mucking about somewhere.” It was signed by some guy named Henry Biggelsworth who clearly needs to lighten up just a bit.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GETTING IT RIGHT
Have you ever messed up in your life? More importantly have you ever had to admit that you made a mistake or a wrong decision? Almost all of us can answer “yes” to at least one of those questions, but some mistakes are more obvious than others.
A minister shared this story about his life; “I loved to sing and was often asked to sing at special occasions for my church. One day something happened that totally blew me away. I came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. My wife asked what was wrong, and I told her that the wife had asked me to sing her husband’s favorite song, “Jingle Bells,” at the funeral.
I was troubled that it wasn’t appropriate to the solemn occasion.  I struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow’s wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing “Jingle Bells” at a funeral, I carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service.  Hearing the introduction to her late husband’s “favorite song” she sat up and began to appear quite interested.  As I began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as I concluded, and I felt glad I’d decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.
After the service she thanked me for sharing my music ministry, and with a big grin she added, “By the way, the favorite song I requested you to sing was ‘When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'”
That may be at the top of his list of “life’s most embarrassing moments”, but a simple “I’m sorry” took care of the misunderstanding. Sometimes in life there are things that are more than just “misunderstandings”. There are times that we know something is wrong and we do it anyway. That my friend is called, “rebellion”! It’s funny that we have no trouble identifying a rebellious child, but can’t see that same problem in our own lives. Yet, it is a real problem, one with which each of us have to deal. The real problem is when we are dealing with a problem of rebellion towards God or His Word. The Psalmist writes in Psalms 32:6, “Therefore, let all the godly confess their rebellion to you while there is time that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment”. “Confess their rebellion that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment”. That carries with it the concept of “repentance”! Repentance is to stop what you are doing, turn around and go the other direction until you get it right.

2 Corinthians 7:10 tells us, “For godly sorrow brings about repentance that leads to salvation”.

–Russ Lawson, Greenville Church of Christ, Greenville, OH

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TIGHT LINES

Read: Matthew 4:18-20

Always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear. —1 Peter 3:15

Fishermen sometimes bestow this blessing on one another: “May you keep a tight line,” by which we mean, “May you always have a trout on your line.”

As I’ve gotten older, however, I must confess that a tight line means less to me now than it once did. I get as much enjoyment from fishing as I do from catching.

When I’m fishing, I have more time to walk streamside and enjoy the solitude and silence, and to look for places where fish might be lurking. When I try too hard to catch, I lose too many fish and the enjoyment of the day.

Jesus calls us to be fishers of men, not catchers (Matthew 4:19). My job is to go where the fish are, walk among them, study their habitat, and learn their ways. And then to toss out a line and see if one rises to the surface. There’s more enjoyment in that easy effort, and I have better results.

So I want to fish for people, looking for opportunities to speak a word about Jesus, casting here and there, and leaving the results with God. It’s more calming for me and for the fish—the folks who might get spooked by my clumsiness.

Thus I now bless my fellow fishers with: “May you keep your line in the water.” Or, as another fisherman once put it, “Always be ready” (1 Peter 3:15). —David Roper

White are the fields for the harvest,

Workers are all too few;

Souls are awaiting the message—

Christ still depends on you. —Anon.

When you fish for souls, cast your nets in faith and draw them in with love.

LEFTOVERS

DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU’RE MY HERO

The true story of a real hero. Just call her “Pollination Woman!”

A Berlin florist stopped an out-of-control bus by allowing her car to be rammed. Police say Gabriele Killic is a hero for driving in front of the bus, which was traveling at 45mph. The bus driver had apparently collapsed at the wheel from a stroke, with his foot stuck against the accelerator pedal. Gabriele decided she had to act as the bus headed towards a busy junction. She placed her Nissan Almera in front of the bus and braked, waiting to be rammed. “I saw it as the only way to slow it down,” she said. “I passed the bus and could see the driver slumped over the wheel. I put the brakes on in front and just waited for the bus to hit me. Then when it rammed into the back of me I kept the brakes on until the bus became slower and slower and finally stopped after almost half a kilometer.” Police say she prevented a disaster and saved the life of the 50-year-old bus driver. The bus was headed for one of the busiest intersections of the city at rush-hour in the evening. According to the police, loss of life and multiple injuries would have been inevitable had Mrs Killic not acted as she did. All because a florist decided to do something heroic. ***MARLAR: Now that’s what I call FLOWER POWER!

LIFE… LIVE IT

The rudest thing you can do at work is to use profanity.

…That’s the word from a recent Harris Interactive survey for Randstad USA about behaviors that interfere with work performance. Here’s the top 9 office etiquette pet peeves:

• Using profanity, 91%

• Being spoken to in a condescending tone, 44%

• Public reprimand, 37%

• Micromanaging, 34%

• Loud talkers, 32%

• Cell phones ringing at work, 30%

• Using speakerphones in public areas, 22%

• Personal conversations in the workplace, 11%

• Using PDAs/smartphones during meetings, 9%

JUST FOR FUN

PRAY OVER MEALS

Most of us pray over meals, but when is the last time a restaurant actually suggested that you do so? That story is coming up in a few minutes!

A Methodist church in Mississippi has come up with a good recipe for patrons of three restaurants to “say a blessing” before their meals. For the last four months, Epworth United Methodist Church has placed laminated cards on the tables of Jackson eateries with a brief prayer, encouraging diners to thank God for their food. The “United Methodist News Service” reported the cards that were placed in small stands next to the salt, pepper and hot sauce have drawn a positive response from the owners of the restaurants, who are not associated with the church. One business owner even said, “Our business has picked up since we started putting the blessings on the tables.”

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MOM WHEN

• Your feet stick to the kitchen floor and you don’t care.

• When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

• You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

• You spend an entire week in sweatpants.

• Your idea of a good day is making through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

• Popsicles become a food staple.

• Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

• Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

• You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

• You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer and HE hangs up on YOU.

• Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

• You’re up each night until 10pm vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, cleaning sheets…etc.

• You get up at 5:30am and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet you still manage to gain 10 pounds.

• The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

What’s your favorite processed food product? We have a list of the worst, most unhealthy ones.

…Here’s a list from alternet.com, with their picks for worst, and most unhealthy, processed food:

• Spray-Can ‘Easy Cheese’ – Easy Cheese has an amazing texture by containing lots of unhealthy crap, such as the stain-removing chemical trisodium phosphate and a healthy dose of canola oil that keeps the cheese from solidifying. Oh, and they also load Easy Cheese with about twice the amount of salt you’d normally find in natural cheddar cheese.

• Oreo Cookie Death Filling – Oreo stuffing is basically sugar-flavored Crisco.

• Condensed Soups – Consider that a mere half-cup of Campbell’s Vegetable Soup contains a heart-stopping 890 mg of sodium, or roughly 37 percent of your daily recommended sodium intake. The typical Campbell’s soup can contain one-and-a-half cups of soup, meaning that one can of soup contains more than 90 percent of your daily recommended sodium intake.

• Spam – A meatlike goo that derives 80 percent of its calories from fat and that delivers a whopping 790 mg of sodium per two-ounce serving.

• Artificially Flavored Blueberry Bits – like those found in frozen waffles. Their ingredients include sugar, dextrose, soybean oil, soy protein, salt, citric acid, cellulose gum, artificial flavor, malic acid, Red 40 Lake, Blue 2 Lake and… that’s it. Notice anything missing? Oh yeah: blueberries!

• Kraft’s Avocado-Free Guacamole – There are no avocados in Kraft’s guacamole. Then what is it made of, you ask? How about some modified food starch, coconut and soybean oils, corn syrup, food coloring… in other words, you’re eating green-colored oil.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Folks may dread turning 50, but cheer up. The half-century mark appears to be the perfect age, according to a Harris Poll. When asked what age you would most like to stay if you could stop time and live forever in good health, 50 was the resounding response from young and old. Why is 50 so special? While those fine lines and streaks of silver do seem more prominent at this time of life, there also tends to be more life stability. Most people earn the highest paychecks of their career in their 50s. In addition, children are growing up or even on their own by the time their parents hit their 50s, which allows more freedom to do just about everything — from spending a lazy Saturday morning in bed to traveling on exotic vacations.  ***My opinion?  You’ll have to ask me in (2) years once I hit the mid-century mark!

Regular attendance at religious services could have an added benefit: a longer life. That’s the word from Harvard researchers, who found that women who went to church at least twice a week were 33 percent less likely to die over the 20-year study period, compared with those who never attended. It’s believed the benefits come with being part of a community of faith and the communal practice of worship. The study found that women who attended worship at least once a week had a 27 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and a 21 percent lower risk of dying from cancer, compared with those who never attended. Overall, the risk for dying dropped by 26 percent for those who attended worship weekly, while those who went less frequently saw their risk drop by 13 percent, compared with those who never attended. Meanwhile, women who attended church more than once a week had a 33 percent lower risk of death, compared with those who never attended.

This should motivate you to clean up your house: When people live in a clean-smelling environment, they are unconsciously more fair and generous, according to researchers from Brigham Young University, the University of Toronto and Northwestern University. All it took was a few spritzes of citrus-scented Windex for the study participants to show a dramatic improvement in their ethical behavior. No one is saying this is a magic elixir, but just think of the power it could have on your spouse. Or your kids. Or your boss. It also has implications for offices and retail stores. Could this help curb shoplifting? “Companies often employ heavy-handed interventions to regulate conduct, but they can be costly or oppressive,” said study leader Katie Liljenquist of BYU, whose office smells quite average. “This is a very simple, unobtrusive way to promote ethical behavior.”

You may think women prefer men who are muscular, trim and fit — instead of those who are flabby, fat and puny — because they are more handsome. Not so. At least, not consciously. It turns out that women like hunks because they have fewer germs. HealthDay News reports that a study by Polish researchers found that there were more “bad” bacteria (yes, some bacteria are good) in the nasal passages and throats of heftier men, compared with those who were slimmer and more fit. Presumably, fitter men are able to resist these potentially dangerous bacteria that can cause disease, which leads women to (subconsciously) find them more attractive. Men who had a high lean body mass were less likely to harbor potentially harmful microorganisms, while heavier, less fit men were more likely to have those bad bacteria in their nasal passages and throats. No weight-related differences were found in the amount of bacteria women carried.

Per legitimate science that shows the much maligned food cheese could actually boost your health. It is high calorie. High fat. Laden with sodium. Still, we each eat over 34 pounds of the stuff a year. Cheese is that good. This tasty dairy product might never be a full-fledged health food. But and this is a big but new science makes a compelling case for losing the post-noshing guilt: Researchers have found that butyrate, a fatty acid your gut produces in the presence of cheese, may help thwart colon cancer, reduce disease causing inflammation, and help ward off obesity. And while butyrate is found most often in aged cheeses, other types have their own superpowers. (Woman’s Health)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Just think; if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JUNE 15, 2018…

Loving Pablo (opening in select cities)—This film is a study of the leader of a drug cartel. Javier Bardem plays Pablo Escobar, and in this film (based on real life), we see the connection between Escobar and a reporter, Virginia Vallejo (played by Penelope Cruz.) What is Escobar’s life really like? Also in the cast is Peter Sarsgaard. “Loving Pablo” is rated R. No rating.

Incredibles 2—This reviewer has waited in vain for Plastic Man to have his own film. Alas, no, but second best is Helen Parr (voice of Holly Hunter) who is the Mom (ElastiGirl) of the Paar family, and Dad (Bob, voiced by Craig T. Nelson is Mr. Incredible.) The kids have their own special gifts from throwing fire (the baby Jack) to physical strength. This family really stays together.  Now, in the plot which begins after the first film, a super hero is needed to give the public positive publicity, so ElastiGirl is chosen. That means Mom goes out to work while Dad stays home with the kids. Not always fun when the teens, Violet and Dash (Sarah Vowell and Huck Milner) begin to explore their own powers and like what they have. Violet can be invisible which Dash can bounce all over the place. As for the baby?  He has his own agenda, sometimes.  Is the general public ready for this? We will see and in the meantime, are real theater audiences so immersed in super characters, whether real actors or animation, that they would yawn their way through “Incredibles 2?” Time will tell, but methinks, since the first “Incredibles” was a hit (with an Oscar, too) that fans are still there and ready to follow the Parr family exploits. Also in the cast are Bob Odenkirk and Catherine Keener. “Incredibles 2” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Superfly—This reviewer has worn out the tape of the soundtrack to the first “Superfly” film. Now comes a remake starring Trevor Jackson as Priest, a top drug dealer who wants one more large job before leaving the business.  Priest is known for his wardrobe, too. Can he do it? One big score and then walk away? By the way, if Trevor Jackson’s name sounds familiar, he was Simba in a National Touring Company of “The Lion King” and is on television’s “grownish.” Also in the cast of “Superfly” are Jason Mitchell and Michael E. Williams. Director is Director X. “Superfly” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Set It Up—Here comes a comedy about two overworked junior executives who want to get their bosses together. The reason being” this would give the junior’s more time rather than work. The best thought-out plans don’t always go together. Zoey Deutch is one junior and Glen Powell is the other.  Will their plan work? Also in the cast are Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs. “Set It Up” is 

rated PG-13. No rating.

Tag—Do some adults ever really grow up?  Not in this film, that has Jon Hamm, Ed Helms, Hannibal Buress, Jake Johnson and Jeremy Renner trying to get at each other even as adults. No one, even at their age, wants to be “it.” Now the plans develop and nothing is sacred, including work, someone’s wedding and even a funeral. The stunts took their toll on the actors, too, with injuries. “Tag” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “Tag.” 

Gotti—This film was to have opened in December 2017. John Gotti was a famous mobster in New York City. He ruled the town and in this film, John  Travolta takes on the role of Gotti, with Kelly Preston as his wife and Spencer Lofanco as his son, John Gotti, Jr. Violence follows the life of someone in crime. Also in the cast are Stacy Keach and Leo Rossi. “Gotti” is rated R.  No rating. 

JUNE 22, 2018…

Damsel is a western starring Robert Pattison about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Andrew Garfield doing the same thing?

Under The Silver Lake is a mystery/thriller starring Andrew Garfield about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Robert Pattison doing the same thing?

Boundaries is about a family traveling across country—and they don’t really want to because of Grandpa who sells weed on the side.  Stars Christopher Plummer.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.