June 19, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170619
PDF: 20170619

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s (THE JOCK SHOW) – the show that makes you want to sing, laugh, dance, shout, cry, call the cops…. defect….

THIS LAND IS MY LAND (to the tune of “This Land is Your Land”)
“This land is my land, it isn’t your land,
I got a shotgun and you ain’t got one.
I’ll blow your head off if you don’t get off,
This land is my property.”
* 1980: Funny, non-dangerous song to sing with your friends.
* 2017: Automatic suspension and labeling as a terrorist.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” –1 Peter 3:7-9

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. — Ephesians 6:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, `We will not walk in it.’ — Jeremiah 6:16

Thought: Temptation is a choice between the old path (God’s will for us) and a new path provided by Satan. So often Satan’s path is presented to us as a shortcut to happiness, prosperity, and accomplishment. However, this path leads us away from God and the blessings he longs to give us. Let’s not be like the people of God in Jeremiah’s day who refused God’s way and said, “We will not walk in it.” The outcome of their choice was their own destruction.

Prayer: O dear Father, Almighty God, forgive me for turning from your path and seeking a way that seems easier and a path that appears to lead to happiness more quickly. Through your Holy Spirit, help me look through the facades of Satan’s tempations and see their bitter end result. I know your way is the way of joy, peace, and rest. Please give me courage to walk it confidently. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV = Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own…

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 19, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
188 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is STILL NEED TO DO DAY, a time to remember dreams and fantasies and remember that time runs out. Do it today! ***My dream has always been to find a job that requires practically no work, no responsibility, but I still get a paycheck. Mission accomplished!

Today is WORLD SAUNTERING DAY, a day to discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking, and trotting. ***Apparently shuffling is still okay though.

Today is NATIONAL MARSHMALLOW MUNCHING DAY.  ***Anyone ever play “Chubby Bunnies”?

Tonight is SPOOKY STORIES APPRECIATION NIGHT.  ***Last year my wife scared the tar out of me on this night.  She told me her mother was coming for the weekend – and was going to cook. (Maybe you can come up with a spooky story about sauntering marshmallows.)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Autistic Pride Day
Clark Kent’s Birthday
Family Awareness Day
Father’s Day
Husband Caregiver Day
International Sushi Day
National Splurge Day
Turkey Lovers Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

MONDAY, JUNE 19
Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Juneteenth
Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles)
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 20

American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21

Ann & Samantha Day
Atheists Solidarity Day
Cuckoo Warning Day
Global Orgasm Day
Go Skateboarding Day
International Day of Yoga
National Daylight Appreciation Day
National Selfie Day
Summer Solstice
Tall Girl Appreciation Day
World Handshake Day
World Humanist Day
World Music Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 22

Global Smurfs Day
Stupid Guy Thing Day
Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day
HVAC Technicians Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 23

International Widows’ Day
Let It Go Day
National Eat At A Food Truck Day
National Hydration Day
Pink Flamingo Day
Take Your Dog To Work Day:
Public Service Day
Runner’s Selfie Day
SAT Math Day
Typing Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 24

ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day
Celebration of the Senses
Great American Backyard Campout
International Fairy Day or Faerie Day
National Haskap Berry Day
Stonewall National Monument Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 25

America’s Kids Day
Color TV Day
Day of The Seafarer
Descendants Day
Eid-Al-Fitr
Global Beatles Day
Leon Day
Log Cabin Day
National Catfish Day
Ratha Vatra

MONDAY, JUNE 26

International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking
International Day in Support of Victims of Torture
National Canoe Day
Please Take My Children To Work Day

ON THIS DAY

325: The month-long Council of Nicea closed. Known as the first ecumenical council in the history of the Church, it formulated the Nicene Creed and established the method for calculating Easter. ***Which to this day no one understands.

1846: In the first organized pro baseball game, the New York Nine beat the Hoboken Knickerbockers 23 to 1. New York player H. Davis was fined six cents for swearing at the umpire.

1910: Father’s Day was celebrated for the first time, in Spokane, Washington. ***And sadly, we’ve had ugly ties ever since.

1934: The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) was created. ***I’d tell you what I think of them, but we can’t afford another fine at the radio station.

1941: General Mills in Minneapolis created a new dry breakfast cereal called Cheerie Oats. The name was later shortened to Cheerios.

1950: “The Kingston Trio Show” debuted on CBS radio.

1960: Billboard’s country & western music chart added “Honky Tonk Girl,” by unknown Loretta Lynn.

1964: The U.S. Civil Rights Act of 1964 was approved by the Senate, 73-27, after surviving a lengthy filibuster.

1967: Catherine Murphy of Bonsall, California, became the first female golfer to play 150 holes without resting.

1967: On National TV, Paul McCartney admitted to taking LSD. ***At which point absolutely no one gasped in shock.

1978: Garfield the Cat made his debut in the newspapers. ***And then ten years later he began showing up in people’s car windows for some reason.

1982: Singer Amy Grant married guitarist Gary Chapman at the Vine Street Christian Church in Nashville.

1985: Angelo Spagnolo shot 257 to “win” the Worst Avid Golfers Tournament in Ponte Vedra, Florida. He lost 60 golf balls, hitting 27 into the water.

1987: Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and the Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia announced a new ice cream flavor: Cherry Garcia.

1988: Some 3,000 East Germans gathered at the Berlin Wall to hear Michael Jackson perform on the other side of the Wall in West Berlin. ***It was kind of like Joshua bringing the walls down, but after hearing the music they decided to build the wall even higher.

1992: The movie “Batman Returns” earned $16.8-million the day it opened. Stars were Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Danny DeVito.

1993: Toronto police reported that a business burglar had left a thumb print in the owner’s Silly Putty.

1994: The author of a book about kindness and good works was in the news after being mugged by three teenagers while riding his bike. *** His next book was about self-defense.

1995: A West Virginia man had just created a line of Redneck Greeting Cards. ***The guy quickly went bust because the people they were aimed at couldn’t read them.

1998: A study published in the British medical journal Lancet said smoking more than doubled the riskof developing dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

2002: A district judge called a mistrial in a first-degree murder trail because of interruptions by a juror’s loud snoring. An alternate juror had already been seated. The snoring juror claimed she had a medical condition and could not stay awake.

2005: An Arkansas, man survived with only minor injuries when a car skidded into his bedroom, rolled him up in his mattress and sprayed gasoline through his home. Ricky May of Pine Bluff was pinned under the Ford Taurus. The driver was ticketed for failing to maintain control of the car, driving with a suspended license, and no proof of insurance.

2012: The New York Mets were considering a “designated quiet-seating section” at Citi Field that would help families with autistic children due to the fact that one of the most commonly reported challenges for people with autism is hypersensitivity to sound. ***”Ok, now let’s WHISPER our chant of ‘Let’s go, Mets!'”

2014: The US Patent and Trademark Office had canceled the Washington Redskins trademarks on the basis that it is “disparaging to Native Americans.” ***This can’t be good news for the Cleveland Indians and possibly the Atlanta Braves.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

325: The month-long Council of Nicea closed. Known as the first ecumenical council in the history of the Church, it formulated the Nicene Creed and established the method for calculating Easter.

1566: James VI of Scotland, who later became King James I of England, is born. He wrote treatises on the divine right of kings, witchcraft, biblical themes, and set into motion a translation of the Bible known as the King James Version.

1623: Blaise Pascal, French mathematician and scientist as well as an apologist for Christianity and for Jansenism, is born.

1834: Baptist preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon, one of the greatest preachers and orators of the nineteenth century, is born.

1902: Death of Lord Acton, English Parliamentarian, Catholic thinker, and historian. He attempted to create a scientifically rigorous history of liberty.

1987: The U.S. Supreme Court strikes down a Louisiana law requiring public schools to teach creationism if they taught evolution.

1995: Tim Van Dyke and Steve Welsh, workers with New Tribes Mission in Colombia, are kidnapped and shot in cold blood.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • cartoon cat Garfield is 39

  • actor (“A Different World”, “Living Single”, “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”) Bumper Robinson 43 (audio clip)

  • singer/dancer/”American Idol” judge Paula Abdul 55 (audio clip)

  • actress (The War of the Roses, Peggy Sue Got Married, Romancing The Stone) Kathleen Turner is 63

  • actress (“The Cosby Show”) Phylicia Rashad is 69 (audio clip)

  • actress (The Notebook, Hope Floats) Gena Rowlands 81

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1925 : Charlie Drake

1936 : Shirley Goodman (Shirley & Lee, Shirley & Company)

1939 : Al Wilson

1942 : Elaine “Spanky” McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang)

1950 : Ann Wilson (Heart)

1962 : Paula Abdul

1963 : Simon Wright (AC/DC)

1964 : Brian Vander Ark (The Verve Pipe)

1969 : Brian Welch (KoRn)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Where did the tradition of wearing graduation gowns originate?

Academic dress for graduations started in the 12th and 13th centuries when universities first began forming. Standard dress for scholars was clerical garb. In 1321, the University of Coimbra mandated that all Doctors, Bachelors, and Licentiates must wear gowns. In the latter half of the 14th century, excess in apparel was forbidden in some colleges and prescribed wearing a long gown. By the time of England’s Henry VIII, Oxford and Cambridge began using a standard form of academic dress, which was controlled to the tiniest detail by the university.
Colors for the gowns were assigned in the 1800s to signify certain areas of study, but they were only standardized in the United States. European institutions have always had diversity in their academic dress, but American institutions employ a definite system of dress thanks to Gardner Cotrell Leonard from Albany, New York. The system he helped form was based on gown cut, style and fabric; as well as designated colors to represent fields of study.
The shape and size of the hood and the sleeve design of the gown show the degree a student pursued: a Bachelor’s Degree gown has pointed sleeves and no hood, a Master’s Degree gown had long, closed sleeves with arm slits and a narrow hood, and a Doctor’s Degree had bell-shaped sleeves and a draped, wide hood.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

It’s getting serious in the Roy house. Building 429 front man Jason Roy posted a picture of his daughter as the two participated in a serious game of chess. https://www.instagram.com/p/BVOM-0fjt1h/

A confession from Kutless member James Mead: I hate cereal. James went on to clarify: that was a bit of a generalization. I do not like cereal very much, and it is VERY rare that I ever want some.

Question of the day from We Are Worship: What was one thing you took away from Sunday’s sermon?

Kutless frontman Jon Micah Sumrall didn’t let a missed flight bring him down. He posted over the weekend: I was supposed to be on a plane this evening headed to our next show, but due to flight delays, my flight got bumped to super early tomorrow morning. The bright side is I got to spend an extra evening at home.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVJcjUZDiqi/

A recommendation from Bob Smiley: If you’re in Odessa, TX don’t make a deal with yourself to run till you see a tree. I’m almost to Dallas.

Matthew West made the last days of a young girl named Brooke very special by sharing a song that he wrote specifically for her. Matthew posted: Before my beautiful friend Brooke went to be with Jesus, I got the opportunity to surprise her with a song I wrote for her. Watch the full video at http://matthewwest.co/BrookeSong

Switchfoot member Chad Butler says music is in his blood. Leading up to Father’s day, he posted in a blog: My earliest childhood memories involve traveling in a mustard yellow 1975 Dodge van filled with electric guitars and bearded hippies. This was the glamorous life of being on tour with a rock band in the 1970’s. My dad was the singer in the band, and my mom and I crossed the U.S. in that van with him, watching and singing along each night as he played concerts all across the country.

http://switchfoot.com/music-is-in-my-blood/

Their reunion cruise is still several weeks away but DC Talk is already back together. Michael Tait posted picture of he, Kevin Max and Tobymac all together. He said: DC Talk taking in a concert with our favorite band of ALLL time U2 in Tampa Florida

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVVw8CtBivg/

Josh Havens is just back from a camping trip and it sounds like it was quite an adventure. Josh posted: Our annual Havens boys trip was a blast! We hiked, camped, explored, grilled and narrowly diverted a bear!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVV258fDjpj/

Tauren Wells is drawing a line in the sand. This week he posted: You may want to unfollow me BUT…Lebron James IS THE BEST BASKETBALL PLAYER EVER.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Fox is officially no longer “Fair and Balanced” as the network will drop the slogan it’s used for more than two decades. It was the late Roger Ailes who came up with the slogan in 1996 as cover for the network’s right-leaning news. Moving forward Fox News will be going with the slogan “Most Watched. Most Trusted.” However, an unnamed source says that while “Fair and Balanced” is out as a slogan, it will continue to be a kind of “editorial mantra” for the network. ***Because that has been sooooo effective so far.

Attendees at the annual Southern Baptist Convention have voted to condemn “alt-right” racism – along with every other kind of racism. On Wednesday they approved a resolution to “denounce and repudiate” racism, “including alt-right white supremacy, as antithetical to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.” ***Congratulations, Southern Baptists – welcome to the previous century!

A traffic stop in Texas led to deputies discovering what they thought was nearly half a pound of methamphetamine. As a result, 24-year-old Ross LeBeau of Houston was arrested and spent three days in jail. But then he was suddenly released and the charges dismissed because a forensic lab showed that the substance in question was not meth, but cat litter. Embarrassing themselves even further, the Harris County Sheriff’s Office had already put out a press release touting the fact that deputies “kept our children and loves ones free from being introduced to drugs.” The kitty litter was inside a sock – which we grant is a little odd – but LeBeau said it worked at keeping his windows from fogging up. ***If you’re a police officer that is unable to tell the difference between meth and kitty litter, do you have any business being a police officer? Come to think of it… do you have any business being a cat owner?

According to the book “The One Device: The secret history of the iPhone”, Steve Jobs never really wanted Apple to make a phone. Not only was the Apple CEO wary of dealing with mobile carriers, he was worried smartphones would only be popular with the “pocket protector crowd.” After increasing pressure from employees, Jobs finally agreed Apple could make a phone, and, well, you know how that turned out.

A study released this year shows that more than 50% of Californians aged 18-29 are substituting cannabis for alcohol. ***It’s been proven to be less dangerous than alcohol – but it’s a lot harder to drink.

We’re not even at mid-year but have may already found the dumbest criminal of 2017. Police had little trouble tracking down the guy who stole 100 GPS trackers along with other items from the Santa Clara offices of tech firm Roambee. While he apparently thought they were cell phone chargers he could resell, the devices he stole are actually designed to help producers track goods as they are shipped around the world. Company co-founder Vidya Subramanian said, “We notified the police and equipped them to track the devices, and in about five or six hours, it was done.” It gets worse for our burglar boy. He also managed to cut himself while taking a beer from the fridge during the burglary, leaving DNA evidence behind on a napkin he used to soak up the blood. Police say that when they arrested the suspect, they recovered Roambee’s goods along with other stolen property, including an album of World War II photos stolen from a veteran’s son in a break-in earlier this year. For some reason his name has not been released – suggesting he may be a minor. ***Well, if he keeps being this stupid he may never make it to adulthood.

Yoko Ono is going to get co-writing credit for John Lennon’s “Imagine.” ***Actually, I’d rather NOT imagine. Wow – that woman is STILL screwing her husband’s career!

Sarah Jessica Parker and her husband Matthew Broderick had bought adjacent townhouses in the West Village and are currently combining them into one huge mega-mansion. ***Personally, I would’ve kept them as separate townhouses so I’d have someplace to go when my wife tosses me into the doghouse.

In Sacramento, Leah Caldwell has decided she wants to be the world’s newest billionaire and is looking for Chipotle to make that happen. She’s suing them for $2.2 Billion – all because of a single photograph. While Caldwell has little chance of collecting that kind of money, she’s moving forward with her suit nonetheless saying the popular restaurant chain used a photograph of her in promotional material for years without her permission. Allegedly photographer Steve Adams took a picture of her at a Denver Chipotle in 2006 and asked her to sign a release, which she refused to do. Eight years later, she says she saw the image hanging inside a Chipotle in Florida, then in two different California restaurants in 2015. In fact, the lawsuit alleges that the chain first used the photo in advertising in 2006. It also says the image was doctored to include alcoholic beverages, which she says casts her in a bad light. So why the massive sum? Caldwell is seeking $2,237,633,000 because that is precisely how much the company reported in net income for 2006 through 2015. And once the chain announces its figure for 2016, she wants that tacked on to the total. The lawsuit names Adams, the chain, and CEO Steve Ells. ***Let’s think about this for a moment. She had her likeness used without permission, and she wants every single dollar the company made while they photo was being used. So she obviously believes that it was her face that prompted people to buy food at Chipotle – and that was the only reason people bought the food. If her photo hadn’t been used, they wouldn’t have made a single dollar. Therefore, she’s entitled to every single dollar they made. I don’t think that kind of arrogance even exists in Hollywood or Washington D.C.! And here’s the kicker… her likeness is so ubiquitous and powerfully effective, that I can’t find it anywhere in a Google search.

A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding. ***Well yeah – because we’re hoping for some kind of news to get us out of sitting there for the rest of the ceremony.

The Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi divorce rumor is flaring up again. ***Good news fellas, she might be single soon – Ellen on the market!

There are several reasons you may overeat in restaurants, but this might be the oddest one yet: When a heavy waiter or waitress works your table, it can prompt you to order more food and alcohol than you otherwise would do. That’s the word from researchers at Cornell University’s Food and Brand Lab in Ithaca, New York, who found that diners are four times more likely to order dessert and if their server is heavyset. In addition, those same diners consume 17 percent more alcohol. And this effect is strongest on the skinniest diners. ***So whatever you do, at all costs stay way from Cracker Barrel!

Unbeaten boxer Floyd Mayweather will fight UFC lightweight champion Conor McGregor in a boxing match on August 26th in Las Vegas. ***Obviously it’s Mayweather who is strongly favored to win – so bookies are only taking bets on how McGregor will lose: judging, knockout, or beheading.

In Scotland an alleged car thief had his vehicle stolen while refueling at a gas station. ***Officer Karma, always on the job!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Enjoy the heat this summer. Cold weather brings more than a chill to your bones, it could also raise your risk of having a heart attack. The results of a recent study show that each 1.8 degree Fahrenheit reduction in temperature on a single day is associated with around 200 additional heart attacks. ***The population of Alaska is expected to die off completely in the next eighteen months.

Guys, your mustaches and beards aren’t just babe magnets, they’re also a boon for your health. A group of Australian researchers found that facial hair provides an effective barrier against the sun’s UV rays. ***So guys – you can stop waxing now.

A new study finds that men who keep their cell phones in their pockets all day have lower sperm levels due to the heat. ***So maybe we can start having pocket protectors for our pants!

Taking a test early in the day might just improve your score. According to a Huffington Post report, while afternoon exams may give students more time to cram, researchers found that exams taken later in the day tended to yield lower scores. For the study, researchers from the Danish National Center for Social Research analyzed 2 million test scores from children aged 8 to 15. They also documented the time of day that each test was taken. The analysis revealed that for every hour after 8 a.m. the exam was scheduled, the students’ test scores on average declined around 1 percent. ***Unwed females are now taking pregnancy tests as late in the day as possible.

A study of what people find most creepy has determined that among the creepiest things are inappropriate laughter and excessive lip-licking. ***And if you’re seen doing BOTH, those around you will just lose their minds…their heads will explode.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAYS EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson and all of the Razzleflabbins were running away, terrified of The Plaid Guy! Marvy was running so hard and was so scared that he even dropped his teddy-bear – but then he fell down, and before he could get up, the Plaid Guy was right on top of him!

CLOSE: Well… it’s good to know that The Plaid Guy is actually a friendly guy… but you have to wonder… living alone all these years, how good can his seven cup salad really be? We’ll find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A low IQ and fire DO NOT MIX!

An unnamed employee of “Furniture by Thurston” in Nevada, ended up getting his pants saturated with a flammable liquid.  We don’t know exactly how that happened, but it did.  The DUH moment, however, takes place when – simply out of curiosity – he held a lighter to his pants to see what would happen.  You can guess what happened next.  Fortunately, he suffered only minor leg burns… but he did catch the building on fire.  ***MARLAR: This probably won’t be the last time he hears the word “fired.”

TOP TEN

THE TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO DO AT YOUR CHILD’S PERFORMANCE OR SPORTS EVENT

10. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting “the wave.”

9. Do a halftime trampoline show.

8. With your buddies, spell out your child’s name on your chests.

7. Mimic the conductor.

6. Start a paper airplane contest with the program.

5. Clip your toenails.

4. Wear a multi-colored wig and hold up a large, confusing sign.

3. In the middle of the violin piece, say loudly to the person next to you, “That reminds me…I need to take our cat to the vet.”

2. Wear your wife’s old cheerleading outfit.

1. Two words: cow bell.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A Florida SWAT team put themselves into the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A St. Petersburg Florida police SWAT team, wanting to startle the residents of a house they were about to raid, threw a noise grenade into the home, which started a fire, completely destroying the house. Besides destroying the house they also destroyed over $100,000 worth of recording equipment. And what say the police? The device never started a fire before and they were following standard procedures. So what’s the big deal? Well, it turns out the police were at the wrong house! Oops!

FILE #2: Four police officers in Waukegan, Illinois, were injured during a six-hour class designed to teach police officers how to reduce injuries while subduing offenders. According to Police Chief Phillip Stevenson, three of the men suffered their injuries at the hands of other officers. The fourth broke his toe while stumbling on foam mats that were used to pad the floor.

FILE #3: Horst Schultz called the police, saying he had been shot. German cops arrived in full riot gear, complete with bulletproof vests. After they secured the house, they found Mr. Schultz inside, but they could find no bullet wounds, only a couple of small red spots on his arm. He then explained that he was afraid of spiders. Really afraid of spiders. And when one bit him he was sure he was going to die, so he called the cops and made up the story about being shot to make sure the police would come in a hurry. They sent him to jail in a hurry, charged with wasting police time and making false emergency calls.

STRANGE LAW: In Kentucky it is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Trees and alcohol do not mix.

A drunken student recently spent the night in a tree and had to be rescued by British firefighters. The student had climbed 100 feet up a pine tree, without his shoes on, and then fell asleep. Eight firefighters needed 90 minutes and ropes and pulleys to get him down from his precarious perch. As one fire official put it, “Alcohol and climbing trees don’t really mix.”

PHONER PHUN

Today is STILL NEED TO DO DAY, a time to remember dreams and fantasies and remember that time runs out. You could probably say this is a “Bucket List.” What’s on YOUR list to do during your lifetime?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What judge had 30 sons who rode 30 donkeys, and controlled 30 towns?
ANSWER: Jair (Judges 10: 3-4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What year did Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” originally air on radio?

ANSWER: 1938

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller ended up with his unusual first name because they’re his initials. (True – F.U.Z. His full name is Frank Urban Zoeller)

2. The Arizona Cardinals football team got its name from the color of used jerseys purchased from a local college. (True)

3. Tom Hanks was originally intended to play Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. (False, Tom Selleck)

4. Bob Dole held a number of odd jobs in Kansas during the Great Depression, including working as a soda jerk. (True)

5. John Travolta’s white disco suit from ‘Saturday Night Fever’ was bought in 1978 for just $100,000 by a famous fan: movie critic Gene Siskel. (False, only $2,000)

6. The only place in the world that alligators and crocodiles co-exist naturally is in Alabama. (False, it’s in Florida)

7. John Larroquette, who played Dan Fielding on the TV show “Night Court” provided the narration “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre”. (True – for two of the massacre movies, in fact.)

8. Fido means “faithful” in Latin. (True)

9. The first sport to be pictured on the cover of the first Sports Illustrated was basketball. (False, baseball.)

10. Shangri-la, the presidential hideaway near Thurmont, Maryland, was renamed Camp David in honor of President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s father and grandson. (True – on May 22, 1953)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

FLYING _____ ARRESTED IN KANSAS (WITCHES)

Hundreds of witches were arrested in Kansas this week.  They violated Kansas City airspace.

Witches’ broomsticks are considered similar to any heavier-than-air transportation device that is airborne, and are thus regulated by the FAA.

“A witch on a broomstick can not fly above the 2,000 feet,” an FAA  representative, Gavin Riddell told WWN.  Hundreds of witches chose to defy this law this week and they were arrested.  ”We will not tolerate rogue witches,” said Riddell.

There are no penalties  for witches flying below 2,000 feet, as witches have done for centuries.

“Witchcraft isn’t a joke,” said Kansas City Councilwoman, Jeanette Rizzi.  ”Witches belong to a the Wiccan religion and they need to be respected.  We can’t order witches not to fly, just as we can’t order Catholics not to go to mass.  But, we can regulate them so that they do not cause any accidents in our airspace.”

Kansas law also forbids toy helicopters and children’s kites from ascending too high into Kansas airspace.

There are regulations, as well, as to how long the broomstick can be that witches use and the broomsticks must be approved by the FAA.  ”We don’t want witches using unsafe broomsticks.  They can fly all they want, but we don’t want them hurting themselves or others,” said Rizzi.

Other states are thinking of adopting the Kansas Flying Witch Law.. except Massachusetts, where they still burn their witches.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.   As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $96.50!”

JOKE #2

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: “$500 if we fail to fill your order!” So, trying to make a quick buck, when his waitress arrives, he orders elephant toes on rye. Unfazed, the waitress calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where suddenly there’s a huge commotion with yelling, screaming, and pans hitting the floor. Finally, the restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

JOKE #3

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

USELESS FACTS

There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, less than 100 have been tested, and approximately 14 chemicals so far have caused cancer in rats. ***And you thought I had a cushie radio job. Do you know how much coffee I drink each day? (audio clip)

Ever wonder why some dictators go into the oppression business? Hitler, Stalin and Mao Tse-tung had one thing in common, other than being brutal dictators who killed millions of innocent people. All three admitted at least once in their writings that they initially got involved in politics to meet girls.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GET IN THE CAR

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. “If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.” The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. “How about $20 and two pieces of candy?” The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. “OK,” he says, “this is my final offer. I’ll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat.”

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. “Look,” he says to the driver. “You bought the FIAT, Dad. You’ll have to live with it!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A woman in a swimsuit causes a massive air-search for a missing person…

In England, a woman was taking a dip in the ocean when she decided to pop over to the supermarket, so she wrapped herself in a towel and wandered off. A man drinking at a nearby boat club noticed her clothes had been on the beach for some time with no owner in sight and called authorities, who launched a massive air-search. An hour later the woman, who was still only wearing a swimsuit and towel, returned to collect her clothes — and wondered what all the fuss was about.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

AND GOD MADE FATHERS

When the good Lord was creating fathers, he started with a tall frame. A female angel nearby said, “What kind of father is that? If you’re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high?

He won’t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child into bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.”

God smiled and said, “Yes, but if I make him child-sized, who would children have to look up to?”

And when God made a father’s hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, “Do you know what you’re doing, God? Large hands are clumsy. They can’t manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony-tails, or even remove splinters from baseball bats.”

God smiled and said, “I know, but they’re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child’s face.”

And then God molded long legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. “Boy, this is the end of the week alright,” she clucked, “Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?”

God smiled and said, “A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle, or hold a sleepy hand on the way home from the circus.”

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. “That’s not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?”

God smiled and said:” They’ll work. You’ll see. They’ll support a small child who wants to ‘ride a horse to Banbury Cross’ or scare off mice at the summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill.”

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words, but a firm, authoritative voice; eyes that saw everything, but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, he added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, “Now are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?”

The angel shutteth up.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DONKEY MENTALITY

READ: Matthew 21:1-11

Behold, your King is coming to you, lowly, and sitting on a donkey, a colt, the foal of a donkey. —Matthew 21:5

A minister referred to Christ’s triumphal entry into Jerusalem and asked: “What if the donkey on which Jesus was riding had thought all the cheering was for him? What if that small animal had believed that the hosannas and the branches were in his honor?”

The minister then pointed to himself and said: “I’m a donkey. The longer I’m here the more you’ll come to realize that. I am only a Christ-bearer and not the object of praise.”

In recording Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem, Matthew referred to the prophecy of Zechariah: “Tell the daughter of Zion, ‘Behold, your King is coming to you, lowly, and sitting on a donkey, a colt, the foal of a donkey’” (Matthew 21:5; see Zechariah 9:9).

On Palm Sunday, the donkey was merely a Christ-bearer, bringing the Son of God into the city where He would give His life for the sins of the world.

If we could develop a healthy “donkey mentality,” what an asset that would be as we travel the road of life. Instead of wondering what people think of us, our concern would be, “Can they see Christ Jesus, the King?” Rather than seeking credit for service rendered, we would be content to lift up the Lord.

—David C. McCasland

O what can I give to the Master,
The One who from sin set me free?
I’ll give Him a lifetime of service
To thank Him for dying for me.  —K. De Haan

A Christian’s life is a window through which others can see Jesus.

LEFTOVERS

A teen is suspended for participating in a food fight that she wasn’t even a part of!

A food fight recently broke out among more than 100 students at Central Valley High School in Ceres, California. Unlike Animal House when someone just jumped up and shouted ‘food fight,’ school officials say this fight was planned and executed by students who spread the word via text messaging. The school has suspended several students, including senior Lahna Dixon who won’t be allowed to participate in her graduation ceremonies. This despite the fact that Lahna wasn’t at the fight and only sent text messages to warn other students to avoid the fight.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Can you improve your family’s relationships with a DVR? Actually… YES!

More than 70% of digital video recorder (DVR) owners say they cannot live without them, according to a survey by NDS, a maker of smart cards and other technology for digital pay-TV services. Owners ranked the DVR as the second-most essential household technology item, behind the mobile phone, and the third most-indispensable household item, after the washing machine and microwave oven. The survey also found that over 60% of DVR owners with a partner felt that having a DVR had improved their relationship. More than three-quarters of DVR owners with families also felt that having a DVR has improved family relationships, “eliminating arguments over TV and allowing for the whole family to join the dinner table.”

JUST FOR FUN

It’s not a tumor!

Doctors performing surgery on an unnamed man in Japan found out that what they thought was a tumor was a surgical towel that had been left inside him 25 years ago! The patient had been carrying the cloth since his operation a quarter century ago, when surgeons at the Asahi General Hospital in Chiba prefecture near Tokyo left it in him after an operation to treat an ulcer, a spokesman for the hospital said. The man went in to another hospital in late May after suffering abdominal pain. When examinations found what was believed to be an eight-centimeter (3.2-inch) tumor, he underwent the operation to remove it. It was only then that surgeons realized it was a towel.

FUN LIST

USELESS FACTS I LEARNED FROM MY DAD

  • It’s okay to wipe the crumbs on the floor when nobody’s looking.

  • My mom’s the one who’s the bad driver.

  • Everything’s good with a whole lot of pepper.

  • If I tell him that I’ll time him, my little brother will get things for me.

  • If Mom goes out of town and I say there’s no food in the house (even if there is), we get to order pizza delivery.

  • When someone makes a crude hand gesture to my dad from their car, they’re really saying “Your Dad’s #1!”

  • Everyone deserves a big tip.

  • Frogs are invisible, and there are elephants small enough to hide under seat cushions.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THINGS DADS SAY

  • Don’t ask me, ask your mother.

  • Were you raised in a barn? Close the door.

  • We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.

  • Do what I say, not what I do.

  • I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!

  • As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.

  • Do you think I am made of money?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

After 20 years of darkness, there is light for a man in Medford, Massachusetts. A bionic eye implant has helped Anthony Andreotolla gain back some vision. It’s not eyesight in the way most people see, but the technology is making a difference in his daily life. Every day, Andreotolla puts on special glasses and commutes on public transportation to his job in Boston about six miles south of his home. A tiny camera in the glasses sends images to a wearable computer and then those images are processed and sent wirelessly to an implant in his eye.

http://bit.ly/2rusadh

Richard Dawkins, famed atheist author, has said that even though he believes all religions are “bad”, he cannot deny the fact the “most evil religion in the world has to be Islam.” Dawkins said “If you look at the actual impact that different religions have on the world it’s quite apparent that at present the most evil religion in the world has to be Islam.” He also admitted that, “Christianity may actually be our best defense against aberrant forms of religion that threaten the world.”

http://www.gospelherald.com/articles/70903/20170612/atheist-richard-dawkins-reveals-why-islam-evil-religion-world.htm

A shark attack in the Bahamas claimed the arm of a mother of three who was snorkeling with her husband when the attack occurred. Tiffany Johnson, 32, of Concord, North Carolina, was on the last stop of a cruise exploring the shallow reef on Athol Island when the shark bit her. Now she is thanking God for her survival. Johnson shared “I’m thankful to be able to share this story and I hope, and I know, that it’s going to change people’s lives because you can’t hear this story and not see God in it.” Her husband added: “It’s by the grace of God she’s alive”. What a great attitude these two have!

http://www.newsmax.com/TheWire/shark-attack-bahamas-lose/2017/06/12/id/795594/

A Pennsylvania high school has forbidden a teen from speaking about God and her faith in her graduation address. High school senior Moriah Bridges was told by Beaver High School principal Steven Wellendorf that prayer at a public school event–even led by a student–is not allowed by law. Bridges had planned to address the Lord in her graduation prayer. After the school district told her that her planned remarks were not permitted and even unconstitutional, she decided to contact First Liberty Institute to take up her case.

http://dlvr.it/PMMYzR

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go home and look like I worked hard all morning.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JUNE 16, 2017…

Cars 3 is an animated film and continues the adventures of Lightning McQueen (voice of Owen Wilson) who still wants to be a top racer.

All Eyez On Me is a biopic of the late rapper Tupac Shakur and working his way up the ladder of fame. Actors include Demeterius Shipp, Jr. and Jamal Woolard.

Rough Night concerns a bachelorette party that goes in many directions, and this is an adult film. Stars Scarlett Johansson and Zoe Kravitz.

Book Of Henry has a young boy (Jaeden Lieberher) trying to help his friend next door. But is this the right thing to do?

47 Meters Down is about two sisters whose diving expedition leaves them stranded with sharks all around. Stars Mandy Moore.

Maudie (opening in select cities) is a poignant film, based on the life of English artist Maud Lewis (Sally Hawkins). Maud was not your typical artist.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.