June 19, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180619
PDF: 20180619

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s (THE JOCK SHOW) – the show that makes you want to sing, laugh, dance, shout, cry, call the cops…. defect….

THIS LAND IS MY LAND (to the tune of “This Land is Your Land”)
“This land is my land, it isn’t your land,
I got a shotgun and you ain’t got one.
I’ll blow your head off if you don’t get off,
This land is my property.”
* 1980: Funny, non-dangerous song to sing with your friends.
* 2018: Automatic suspension and labeling as a terrorist.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“No other people have a government more worthy of their respect and love or a land so magnificent in extent…” – Benjamin Harrison

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” –1 Peter 3:7-9

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. — Ephesians 6:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said, `We will not walk in it.’ — Jeremiah 6:16

Thought: Temptation is a choice between the old path (God’s will for us) and a new path provided by Satan. So often Satan’s path is presented to us as a shortcut to happiness, prosperity, and accomplishment. However, this path leads us away from God and the blessings he longs to give us. Let’s not be like the people of God in Jeremiah’s day who refused God’s way and said, “We will not walk in it.” The outcome of their choice was their own destruction.

Prayer: O dear Father, Almighty God, forgive me for turning from your path and seeking a way that seems easier and a path that appears to lead to happiness more quickly. Through your Holy Spirit, help me look through the facades of Satan’s tempations and see their bitter end result. I know your way is the way of joy, peace, and rest. Please give me courage to walk it confidently. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 6:19 NIV = Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own…

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 19, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
188 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is STILL NEED TO DO DAY, a time to remember dreams and fantasies and remember that time runs out. Do it today! ***My dream has always been to find a job that requires practically no work, no responsibility, but I still get a paycheck. Mission accomplished!

Today is WORLD SAUNTERING DAY, a day to discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking, and trotting. ***Apparently shuffling is still okay though.

Today is NATIONAL MARSHMALLOW MUNCHING DAY.  ***Anyone ever play “Chubby Bunnies”?

Tonight is SPOOKY STORIES APPRECIATION NIGHT.  ***Last year my wife scared the tar out of me on this night.  She told me her mother was coming for the weekend – and was going to cook. (Maybe you can come up with a spooky story about sauntering marshmallows.)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Free BSD Day
Garfield the Cat Day
International Day For The Elimination of Sexual Violence in Conflict
Juneteenth
National Watch Day
World Sickle Cell Day
World Sauntering Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20

American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 21

Ann & Samantha Day
Atheists Solidarity Day
Cuckoo Warning Day
Dump The Pump Day
Go Skateboarding Day
International Day of Yoga
Litha
Midsummer
National Daylight Appreciation Day
National Day of The Gong
National Sea Shell Day
National Selfie Day
Recess At Work Day
Summer Solstice
Summer
Tall Girl Appreciation Day
World Giraffe Day
World Handshake Day
World Humanist Day
World Hydrography Day
World Music Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 22

Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day
HVAC Technicians Day
Global Smurfs Day
National Eat At A Food Truck Day
Stupid Guy Thing Day
Ugliest Dog Day

Take Your Dog to Work Day
World Rainforest Day
Worldwide VW Beetle Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 23

ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day
Great American Backyard Campout
International Widows’ Day
Let It Go Day
National Hydration Day
Pink Flamingo Day (Lawn Ornaments)
Public Service Day
Runner’s Selfie Day
SAT Math Day
Typing Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 24

America’s Kids Day
Celebration of the Senses
Descendants Day
International Fairy Day or Faerie Day
Log Cabin Day
Stonewall National Monument Day

MONDAY, JUNE 25

Color TV Day (CBS)
Day of The Seafarer
Global Beatles Day
Leon Day
National Catfish Day
Please Take My Children To Work Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 26

Harry Potter Day
International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking
International Day in Support of Victims of Torture
National Canoe Day
National Columnists Day
Same Sex Marriage Day

ON THIS DAY

325: The month-long Council of Nicea closed. Known as the first ecumenical council in the history of the Church, it formulated the Nicene Creed and established the method for calculating Easter. ***Which to this day no one understands.

1846: In the first organized pro baseball game, the New York Nine beat the Hoboken Knickerbockers 23 to 1. New York player H. Davis was fined six cents for swearing at the umpire.

1910: Father’s Day was celebrated for the first time, in Spokane, Washington. ***And sadly, we’ve had ugly ties ever since.

1934: The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) was created. ***I’d tell you what I think of them, but we can’t afford another fine at the radio station.

1941: General Mills in Minneapolis created a new dry breakfast cereal called Cheerie Oats. The name was later shortened to Cheerios.

1950: “The Kingston Trio Show” debuted on CBS radio.

1960: Billboard’s country & western music chart added “Honky Tonk Girl,” by unknown Loretta Lynn.

1964: The U.S. Civil Rights Act of 1964 was approved by the Senate, 73-27, after surviving a lengthy filibuster.

1967: Catherine Murphy of Bonsall, California, became the first female golfer to play 150 holes without resting.

1967: On National TV, Paul McCartney admitted to taking LSD. ***At which point absolutely no one gasped in shock.

1978: Garfield the Cat made his debut in the newspapers. ***And then ten years later he began showing up in people’s car windows for some reason.

1982: Singer Amy Grant married guitarist Gary Chapman at the Vine Street Christian Church in Nashville.

1984: The movie rating PG-13 went into effect. ***It’s an abbreviation that stands for “this R-rated movie is so good, we need to find a way to let more people see it!”

1985: Angelo Spagnolo shot 257 to “win” the Worst Avid Golfers Tournament in Ponte Vedra, Florida. He lost 60 golf balls, hitting 27 into the water.

1987: Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream and the Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia announced a new ice cream flavor: Cherry Garcia.

1988: Some 3,000 East Germans gathered at the Berlin Wall to hear Michael Jackson perform on the other side of the Wall in West Berlin. ***It was kind of like Joshua bringing the walls down, but after hearing the music they decided to build the wall even higher.

1992: The movie “Batman Returns” earned $16.8-million the day it opened. Stars were Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Danny DeVito.

1993: Toronto police reported that a business burglar had left a thumb print in the owner’s Silly Putty.

1994: The author of a book about kindness and good works was in the news after being mugged by three teenagers while riding his bike. *** His next book was about self-defense.

1995: A West Virginia man had just created a line of Redneck Greeting Cards. ***The guy quickly went bust because the people they were aimed at couldn’t read them.

1998: A study published in the British medical journal Lancet said smoking more than doubled the riskof developing dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

2002: A district judge called a mistrial in a first-degree murder trail because of interruptions by a juror’s loud snoring. An alternate juror had already been seated. The snoring juror claimed she had a medical condition and could not stay awake.

2005: An Arkansas, man survived with only minor injuries when a car skidded into his bedroom, rolled him up in his mattress and sprayed gasoline through his home. Ricky May of Pine Bluff was pinned under the Ford Taurus. The driver was ticketed for failing to maintain control of the car, driving with a suspended license, and no proof of insurance.

2012: The New York Mets were considering a “designated quiet-seating section” at Citi Field that would help families with autistic children due to the fact that one of the most commonly reported challenges for people with autism is hypersensitivity to sound. ***”Ok, now let’s WHISPER our chant of ‘Let’s go, Mets!'”

2014: The US Patent and Trademark Office had canceled the Washington Redskins trademarks on the basis that it is “disparaging to Native Americans.” ***This can’t be good news for the Cleveland Indians and possibly the Atlanta Braves.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

325: The month-long Council of Nicea closed. Known as the first ecumenical council in the history of the Church, it formulated the Nicene Creed and established the method for calculating Easter.

1566: James VI of Scotland, who later became King James I of England, is born. He wrote treatises on the divine right of kings, witchcraft, biblical themes, and set into motion a translation of the Bible known as the King James Version.

1623: Blaise Pascal, French mathematician and scientist as well as an apologist for Christianity and for Jansenism, is born.

1834: Baptist preacher Charles Haddon Spurgeon, one of the greatest preachers and orators of the nineteenth century, is born.

1902: Death of Lord Acton, English Parliamentarian, Catholic thinker, and historian. He attempted to create a scientifically rigorous history of liberty.

1987: The U.S. Supreme Court strikes down a Louisiana law requiring public schools to teach creationism if they taught evolution.

1995: Tim Van Dyke and Steve Welsh, workers with New Tribes Mission in Colombia, are kidnapped and shot in cold blood.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Little Miss Sunshine, Looper) Paul Dano, 34

  • cartoon cat Garfield is 40

  • actress (Guardians of the Galaxy, Avatar, Star Trek) Zoe Saldana, 40

  • actor (“A Different World”, “Living Single”, “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”) Bumper Robinson 44 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Unforgettable”, “Without a Trace”) Poppy Montgomery, 46

  • actress (Legend, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) Mia Sara, 51

  • singer/dancer/”American Idol” judge Paula Abdul 56 (audio clip)

  • actress (The War of the Roses, Peggy Sue Got Married, Romancing The Stone) Kathleen Turner is 64

  • actress (“The Cosby Show”) Phylicia Rashad is 70 (audio clip)

  • actress (The Notebook, Hope Floats) Gena Rowlands 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1925 : Charlie Drake

1936 : Shirley Goodman (Shirley & Lee, Shirley & Company)

1939 : Al Wilson

1942 : Elaine “Spanky” McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang)

1950 : Ann Wilson (Heart)

1962 : Paula Abdul

1963 : Simon Wright (AC/DC)

1964 : Brian Vander Ark (The Verve Pipe)

1969 : Brian Welch (KoRn)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Where did the tradition of wearing graduation gowns originate?

Academic dress for graduations started in the 12th and 13th centuries when universities first began forming. Standard dress for scholars was clerical garb. In 1321, the University of Coimbra mandated that all Doctors, Bachelors, and Licentiates must wear gowns. In the latter half of the 14th century, excess in apparel was forbidden in some colleges and prescribed wearing a long gown. By the time of England’s Henry VIII, Oxford and Cambridge began using a standard form of academic dress, which was controlled to the tiniest detail by the university.
Colors for the gowns were assigned in the 1800s to signify certain areas of study, but they were only standardized in the United States. European institutions have always had diversity in their academic dress, but American institutions employ a definite system of dress thanks to Gardner Cotrell Leonard from Albany, New York. The system he helped form was based on gown cut, style and fabric; as well as designated colors to represent fields of study.
The shape and size of the hood and the sleeve design of the gown show the degree a student pursued: a Bachelor’s Degree gown has pointed sleeves and no hood, a Master’s Degree gown had long, closed sleeves with arm slits and a narrow hood, and a Doctor’s Degree had bell-shaped sleeves and a draped, wide hood.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

There was a semi-truck crash last week in Arkansas that covered the highway in… Fireball Whiskey. ***It is the first time a DUI has been issued to the road instead of the driver.

A man in England died of self-inflicted stab wounds while trying to demonstrate a supposedly “stab-proof” vest he was wearing.  ***You can’t even go back to the drawing board with that of fail.

Meanwhile, another study claims that 14% of Americans have sex at work.  ***Now you know what non-smokers are doing during those cigarette breaks.

A group of Mexican friends have been creating hilarity on Latino social media by posting photos of their adventures at the Football World Cup in Russia. It seems one of their friends couldn’t attend – because his wife said no – so they brought along a life-size cardboard cutout of the guy and set up a special Facebook page for their adventure, called “Ingue Su Matrushka” where they post photos of themselves and the cutout of Javier in all sorts of hilarious scenarios. In one, he looks like he’s sleeping with a sombrero covering his face and a Jaggermeister bottle next to him, in another, he is posing with the Mexican friends, but in most photos he is partying with his friends and having fun, just like the real Javier would.  ***How boring is your life when a cardboard cutout of you is having more fun than the actual you?

Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee has been granted a temporary restraining order against a man who says he’s his caregiver. Lee is claiming “elder abuse.”  ***Sounds like Stan Lee may have the perfect inspiration for his next comic book villain.  “The Caregiver!”

New stats show that Americans spend 7% of their income on gasoline.  ***And another 7% of their income at Chipotle, creating gas.

A survey reveals the obvious: we use our office printers for personal use. The survey found 60% of us use the workplace printer to print personal emails, color photos, news articles, purchase confirmations, maps, and even resumés. ***That’s what I call ,”Maximizing Your Resources”.

Be glad you weren’t on Qantas flight QF 94 that left L.A. after midnight Sunday. Not only was there an annoying 49-minute delay, the flight ran into a “vortex” or “wake turbulence” caused by a flight that had left two minutes prior, causing the plane to be completely up-ended which sent it into a ten-second nosedive. A Qantas spokesperson insists that separation standards were upheld to keep the A380 aircraft at a distance of 20 nautical miles apart from the flight before it. The flight did land safely at its destination, Melbourne, 30 minutes late. ***And thank you for flying Qantas Airlines!  Please be sure to check under your seats for those vomit bags you used; they can be tossed into a waste receptacle inside the terminal.

Amazon has started steaks and seafood from trucks labeled as “Treasure Trucks”.  ***And if the seafood goes bad, you can always go back to Amazon to buy pink stuff for your tummy.

Scientists in Germany have programmed a robot to hug humans due to research showing hugs can reduce stress and help stave off illness. ***Although you do still risk getting a computer virus.

Domino’s Pizza announced they’re going to start filling potholes in select towns across the country.  ***It’s not a bad idea.  Those grease-soaked pizza boxes should fill potholes nicely.

Good news: If you would like to take a run at politics, there are plenty of open candidate slots in Mexico right now!  Bad news: that’s because 16 political candidates have been killed so far in 2018.

Congrats to Char, a doe-eyed Jersey domesticated bovine, who won the “Sexiest Cow in Britain” award.  ***And being sexy isn’t easy – people keep looking at you like you’re just a piece of meat.

Major League Baseball is suffering an attendance drop, down 6.6% from what it was last year.  ***Just a guess, but maybe people are tired of paying eighteen bucks for a hot dog.

That passionate kiss you two shared last night not only set your heart a flutter, but also gave you something else: 80 million germs. Just 10 seconds of French kissing can transfer as many as 80 million microbes from one person to another, according to a study from the Netherlands.  ***But sharing is caring.

According to CNN, over 800 people in Central Florida were stung by jellyfish this week. ***But then it’s CNN, so it’s probably fake news.

The 5th Indiana Jones movie is happening. Harrison Ford will star, Steven Spielberg will direct. It’ll arrive in theaters on July 10th, 2020. ***And is tentatively titled, “Indiana Jones and The Search For The Geriatric Ward”.

The Detroit Zoo announced it is sending 11,000 tadpoles to Puerto Rico to help restore their native toad population. ***Because we have to keep the wart remover companies in business somehow!

New Jersey is now taking sports bets.  ***How is this news?  Everybody already… oh, that was supposed to read “New Jersey is now taking LEGAL sports bets.”  Okay, that’s different.

Tom Brokaw and his wife are selling their Westchester estate for $6.3 million if you’re interested.  ***Film at eleven.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to the Japanese government, the nation has about 5,400 homeless who live primarily in 24-hour Internet cafes. ***So the homeless have laptops? Maybe they could Google “homeless shelters.”

Lisa Daily is the author of “Stop Getting Dumped”… a book on how women can find a husband. She says women can meet and marry the right man if they follow its step-by-step guide. In fact, she guarantees it… or she’ll refund your money if you don’t find a husband within three years. ***Here’s the odd thing: in the book she says women should never ask a man out on a date – yet she guarantees that you’ll be married within three years. How are you supposed to meet and marry Mr. Right if you’re not allowed to approach him to begin with? Is this one of those super-secret womanly powers that we men will just never understand? And if it is, why do you need a book?

A study in the UK found that the average steering wheel has twice as many germs as a toilet seat. ***So if you’ve been driving, be sure to wash your hands before you use the bathroom.

Danish researchers can offer some reassurance if you’re concerned about your cellphone: Don’t worry. Your device is probably safe. The biggest study ever to examine the possible connection between cellphones and cancer found no evidence of any link, suggesting that billions of people who are rarely more than a few inches from their phones have no special health concerns. The Danish study of more than 350,000 people concluded there was no difference in cancer rates between people who had used a cellphone for about a decade and those who did not. ***But more cell-phone users did suffer health issues due to texting and walking into traffic.

Social networks such as Twitter may blunt people’s sense of reality, claim brain scientists. New evidence shows the digital explosion of information from networking sites could have long-term damaging effects on the emotional development of young people’s brains. The danger is that heavy Twitters and Facebook users could become indifferent to the emotions of people. ***Which might explain (Kanye West/Roseanne Barr).

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey had tried everything to be better than Steve Mozart. Unfortunately, that landed him in the hospital… with Steve Mozart. And now everyone is more concerned about Steve getting well in time for his concert than with their friend Millard the Monkey.

CLOSE: How much can one monkey take? To be honest, I’m getting a little annoyed that Millard’s friends aren’t paying him much attention at all. Sure, Steve Mozart is a great guy and all, and Millard has taken his competition against Mozart a bit too far, but they’re all still friends, right? Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A low IQ and fire DO NOT MIX!

An unnamed employee of “Furniture by Thurston” in Nevada, ended up getting his pants saturated with a flammable liquid.  We don’t know exactly how that happened, but it did.  The DUH moment, however, takes place when – simply out of curiosity – he held a lighter to his pants to see what would happen.  You can guess what happened next.  Fortunately, he suffered only minor leg burns… but he did catch the building on fire.  ***MARLAR: This probably won’t be the last time he hears the word “fired.”

TOP TEN

THE TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO DO AT YOUR CHILD’S PERFORMANCE OR SPORTS EVENT

10. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting “the wave.”

9. Do a halftime trampoline show.

8. With your buddies, spell out your child’s name on your chests.

7. Mimic the conductor.

6. Start a paper airplane contest with the program.

5. Clip your toenails.

4. Wear a multi-colored wig and hold up a large, confusing sign.

3. In the middle of the violin piece, say loudly to the person next to you, “That reminds me…I need to take our cat to the vet.”

2. Wear your wife’s old cheerleading outfit.

1. Two words: cow bell.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A Florida SWAT team put themselves into the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A St. Petersburg Florida police SWAT team, wanting to startle the residents of a house they were about to raid, threw a noise grenade into the home, which started a fire, completely destroying the house. Besides destroying the house they also destroyed over $100,000 worth of recording equipment. And what say the police? The device never started a fire before and they were following standard procedures. So what’s the big deal? Well, it turns out the police were at the wrong house! Oops!

FILE #2: Four police officers in Waukegan, Illinois, were injured during a six-hour class designed to teach police officers how to reduce injuries while subduing offenders. According to Police Chief Phillip Stevenson, three of the men suffered their injuries at the hands of other officers. The fourth broke his toe while stumbling on foam mats that were used to pad the floor.

FILE #3: Horst Schultz called the police, saying he had been shot. German cops arrived in full riot gear, complete with bulletproof vests. After they secured the house, they found Mr. Schultz inside, but they could find no bullet wounds, only a couple of small red spots on his arm. He then explained that he was afraid of spiders. Really afraid of spiders. And when one bit him he was sure he was going to die, so he called the cops and made up the story about being shot to make sure the police would come in a hurry. They sent him to jail in a hurry, charged with wasting police time and making false emergency calls.

STRANGE LAW: In Kentucky it is illegal to remarry the same man four times.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Trees and alcohol do not mix.

A drunken student recently spent the night in a tree and had to be rescued by British firefighters. The student had climbed 100 feet up a pine tree, without his shoes on, and then fell asleep. Eight firefighters needed 90 minutes and ropes and pulleys to get him down from his precarious perch. As one fire official put it, “Alcohol and climbing trees don’t really mix.”

PHONER PHUN

Today is STILL NEED TO DO DAY, a time to remember dreams and fantasies and remember that time runs out. You could probably say this is a “Bucket List.” What’s on YOUR list to do during your lifetime?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What judge had 30 sons who rode 30 donkeys, and controlled 30 towns?
ANSWER: Jair (Judges 10: 3-4)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What year did Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” originally air on radio?

ANSWER: 1938

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller ended up with his unusual first name because they’re his initials. (True – F.U.Z. His full name is Frank Urban Zoeller)

2. The Arizona Cardinals football team got its name from the color of used jerseys purchased from a local college. (True)

3. Tom Hanks was originally intended to play Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. (False, Tom Selleck)

4. Bob Dole held a number of odd jobs in Kansas during the Great Depression, including working as a soda jerk. (True)

5. John Travolta’s white disco suit from ‘Saturday Night Fever’ was bought in 1978 for just $100,000 by a famous fan: movie critic Gene Siskel. (False, only $2,000)

6. The only place in the world that alligators and crocodiles co-exist naturally is in Alabama. (False, it’s in Florida)

7. John Larroquette, who played Dan Fielding on the TV show “Night Court” provided the narration “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre”. (True – for two of the massacre movies, in fact.)

8. Fido means “faithful” in Latin. (True)

9. The first sport to be pictured on the cover of the first Sports Illustrated was basketball. (False, baseball.)

10. Shangri-la, the presidential hideaway near Thurmont, Maryland, was renamed Camp David in honor of President Dwight D. Eisenhower’s father and grandson. (True – on May 22, 1953)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

FLYING _____ ARRESTED IN KANSAS (WITCHES)

Hundreds of witches were arrested in Kansas this week.  They violated Kansas City airspace.

Witches’ broomsticks are considered similar to any heavier-than-air transportation device that is airborne, and are thus regulated by the FAA.

“A witch on a broomstick can not fly above the 2,000 feet,” an FAA  representative, Gavin Riddell told WWN.  Hundreds of witches chose to defy this law this week and they were arrested.  ”We will not tolerate rogue witches,” said Riddell.

There are no penalties  for witches flying below 2,000 feet, as witches have done for centuries.

“Witchcraft isn’t a joke,” said Kansas City Councilwoman, Jeanette Rizzi.  ”Witches belong to a the Wiccan religion and they need to be respected.  We can’t order witches not to fly, just as we can’t order Catholics not to go to mass.  But, we can regulate them so that they do not cause any accidents in our airspace.”

Kansas law also forbids toy helicopters and children’s kites from ascending too high into Kansas airspace.

There are regulations, as well, as to how long the broomstick can be that witches use and the broomsticks must be approved by the FAA.  ”We don’t want witches using unsafe broomsticks.  They can fly all they want, but we don’t want them hurting themselves or others,” said Rizzi.

Other states are thinking of adopting the Kansas Flying Witch Law.. except Massachusetts, where they still burn their witches.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.   As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $96.50!”

JOKE #2

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: “$500 if we fail to fill your order!” So, trying to make a quick buck, when his waitress arrives, he orders elephant toes on rye. Unfazed, the waitress calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where suddenly there’s a huge commotion with yelling, screaming, and pans hitting the floor. Finally, the restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”

JOKE #3

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.

With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

USELESS FACTS

There are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, less than 100 have been tested, and approximately 14 chemicals so far have caused cancer in rats. ***And you thought I had a cushie radio job. Do you know how much coffee I drink each day? (audio clip)

Ever wonder why some dictators go into the oppression business? Hitler, Stalin and Mao Tse-tung had one thing in common, other than being brutal dictators who killed millions of innocent people. All three admitted at least once in their writings that they initially got involved in politics to meet girls.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GET IN THE CAR

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. “If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I’ll give you $10 and a piece of candy.” The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. “How about $20 and two pieces of candy?” The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. “OK,” he says, “this is my final offer. I’ll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat.”

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. “Look,” he says to the driver. “You bought the FIAT, Dad. You’ll have to live with it!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A woman in a swimsuit causes a massive air-search for a missing person…

In England, a woman was taking a dip in the ocean when she decided to pop over to the supermarket, so she wrapped herself in a towel and wandered off. A man drinking at a nearby boat club noticed her clothes had been on the beach for some time with no owner in sight and called authorities, who launched a massive air-search. An hour later the woman, who was still only wearing a swimsuit and towel, returned to collect her clothes — and wondered what all the fuss was about.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

AND GOD MADE FATHERS

When the good Lord was creating fathers, he started with a tall frame. A female angel nearby said, “What kind of father is that? If you’re going to make children so close to the ground, why have you put fathers up so high?

He won’t be able to shoot marbles without kneeling, tuck a child into bed without bending, or even kiss a child without a lot of stooping.”

God smiled and said, “Yes, but if I make him child-sized, who would children have to look up to?”

And when God made a father’s hands, they were large and sinewy. The angel shook her head sadly and said, “Do you know what you’re doing, God? Large hands are clumsy. They can’t manage diaper pins, small buttons, rubber bands on pony-tails, or even remove splinters from baseball bats.”

God smiled and said, “I know, but they’re large enough to hold everything a small boy empties from his pockets at the end of a day, yet small enough to cup a child’s face.”

And then God molded long legs and broad shoulders. The angel nearly had a heart attack. “Boy, this is the end of the week alright,” she clucked, “Do you realize you just made a father without a lap? How is he going to pull a child close to him without the kid falling between his legs?”

God smiled and said, “A mother needs a lap. A father needs strong shoulders to pull a sled, balance a boy on a bicycle, or hold a sleepy hand on the way home from the circus.”

God was in the middle of creating two of the largest feet anyone had ever seen when the angel could contain herself no longer. “That’s not fair. Do you honestly think those large boats are going to dig out of bed early in the morning when the baby cries? Or walk through a small birthday party without crushing at least three of the guests?”

God smiled and said:” They’ll work. You’ll see. They’ll support a small child who wants to ‘ride a horse to Banbury Cross’ or scare off mice at the summer cabin, or display shoes that will be a challenge to fill.”

God worked throughout the night, giving the father few words, but a firm, authoritative voice; eyes that saw everything, but remained calm and tolerant. Finally, almost as an afterthought, he added tears. Then he turned to the angel and said, “Now are you satisfied that he can love as much as a mother?”

The angel shutteth up.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DONKEY MENTALITY

READ: Matthew 21:1-11

Behold, your King is coming to you, lowly, and sitting on a donkey, a colt, the foal of a donkey. —Matthew 21:5

A minister referred to Christ’s triumphal entry into Jerusalem and asked: “What if the donkey on which Jesus was riding had thought all the cheering was for him? What if that small animal had believed that the hosannas and the branches were in his honor?”

The minister then pointed to himself and said: “I’m a donkey. The longer I’m here the more you’ll come to realize that. I am only a Christ-bearer and not the object of praise.”

In recording Jesus’ entry into Jerusalem, Matthew referred to the prophecy of Zechariah: “Tell the daughter of Zion, ‘Behold, your King is coming to you, lowly, and sitting on a donkey, a colt, the foal of a donkey’” (Matthew 21:5; see Zechariah 9:9).

On Palm Sunday, the donkey was merely a Christ-bearer, bringing the Son of God into the city where He would give His life for the sins of the world.

If we could develop a healthy “donkey mentality,” what an asset that would be as we travel the road of life. Instead of wondering what people think of us, our concern would be, “Can they see Christ Jesus, the King?” Rather than seeking credit for service rendered, we would be content to lift up the Lord.

—David C. McCasland

O what can I give to the Master,
The One who from sin set me free?
I’ll give Him a lifetime of service
To thank Him for dying for me.  —K. De Haan

A Christian’s life is a window through which others can see Jesus.

LEFTOVERS

A teen is suspended for participating in a food fight that she wasn’t even a part of!

A food fight recently broke out among more than 100 students at Central Valley High School in Ceres, California. Unlike Animal House when someone just jumped up and shouted ‘food fight,’ school officials say this fight was planned and executed by students who spread the word via text messaging. The school has suspended several students, including senior Lahna Dixon who won’t be allowed to participate in her graduation ceremonies. This despite the fact that Lahna wasn’t at the fight and only sent text messages to warn other students to avoid the fight.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Can you improve your family’s relationships with a DVR? Actually… YES!

More than 70% of digital video recorder (DVR) owners say they cannot live without them, according to a survey by NDS, a maker of smart cards and other technology for digital pay-TV services. Owners ranked the DVR as the second-most essential household technology item, behind the mobile phone, and the third most-indispensable household item, after the washing machine and microwave oven. The survey also found that over 60% of DVR owners with a partner felt that having a DVR had improved their relationship. More than three-quarters of DVR owners with families also felt that having a DVR has improved family relationships, “eliminating arguments over TV and allowing for the whole family to join the dinner table.”

JUST FOR FUN

It’s not a tumor!

Doctors performing surgery on an unnamed man in Japan found out that what they thought was a tumor was a surgical towel that had been left inside him 25 years ago! The patient had been carrying the cloth since his operation a quarter century ago, when surgeons at the Asahi General Hospital in Chiba prefecture near Tokyo left it in him after an operation to treat an ulcer, a spokesman for the hospital said. The man went in to another hospital in late May after suffering abdominal pain. When examinations found what was believed to be an eight-centimeter (3.2-inch) tumor, he underwent the operation to remove it. It was only then that surgeons realized it was a towel.

FUN LIST

USELESS FACTS I LEARNED FROM MY DAD

  • It’s okay to wipe the crumbs on the floor when nobody’s looking.

  • My mom’s the one who’s the bad driver.

  • Everything’s good with a whole lot of pepper.

  • If I tell him that I’ll time him, my little brother will get things for me.

  • If Mom goes out of town and I say there’s no food in the house (even if there is), we get to order pizza delivery.

  • When someone makes a crude hand gesture to my dad from their car, they’re really saying “Your Dad’s #1!”

  • Everyone deserves a big tip.

  • Frogs are invisible, and there are elephants small enough to hide under seat cushions.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THINGS DADS SAY

  • Don’t ask me, ask your mother.

  • Were you raised in a barn? Close the door.

  • We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.

  • Do what I say, not what I do.

  • I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!

  • As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.

  • Do you think I am made of money?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

We joke and call them “senior moments,” but it’s not funny when you can’t remember a word, a person’s name or where you put your keys. The solution? Go take a walk. When seniors regularly took brisk walks for one year, an amazing thing happened: The hippocampus, the section of the brain that is involved in memory, actually grew in size, according to researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Typically, the hippocampus shrinks as we age.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but the way to a woman’s heart is through her eyes, gals get red-hot for men who dress in scarlet. A photo of a moderately handsome man was digitally doctored to depict him wearing various colors and framed with different hues, and any shot that contained red in either the photo or the frame consistently was seen as being more attractive and desirable. Shades of red are associated across the animal kingdom with power, passion and fertility, notes New York’s University of Rochester professor Dr. Andrew Elliot, who did studies to prove that men like ladies in red. “Red is typically thought of as a sexy color for women only,” says Elliot. “Our findings suggest that the link between red and sex also applies to men.” Wearing red may make men feel more self assured.

Look around your kitchen. What do you see? If you said “cookies,” there is a good chance you are overweight. Junk food on the kitchen counter is likely to lead to weight gain, a study in Health Education & Behavior found. Among men who kept baked goods visible in their kitchen, 39 percent were obese while just 6 percent were slender. A bowl of fruit was more typical for the slim guys. When you are hungry, you grab the first quick, no-prep snack you see, says researcher Drew Hanks, Ph.D. So keep low calorie options like proportioned bags of nuts or fresh fruit at the ready. (Men’s Health)

If you want to be perceived as sincere when you send a text message, do not end it with a period, no matter what your high school English teacher would think about that. That’s the word from researchers at Binghamton University in New York, who concluded that punctuation — even correct punctuation — influences the perceived meaning of text messages. The study found that based on the participants’ responses, text messages that ended with a period were rated as less sincere than those that did not end with a period. Even though most of the important social and contextual cues were missing, the sincerity of the short messages was evaluated differently depending on the presence or absence of a period. The team also found that a text response that included an exclamation point was interpreted as being more — not less – sincere.

You may delay retiring because you can’t afford to stop working, but there appears to be a positive health effect of this. It could lower your risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, HealthDay News reports of research from France in what is the largest study of its kind. For each extra year that retirement was delayed, the research found that there was a 3 percent reduction in dementia risk. Specifically, someone who retired at age 65 had about a 15 percent lower risk of developing dementia, compared with someone retiring at 60, after other factors that affect those odds were taken into account, Dufouil said.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go home and look like I worked hard all morning.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 15, 2018…

Loving Pablo (opening in select cities)—This film is a study of the leader of a drug cartel. Javier Bardem plays Pablo Escobar, and in this film (based on real life), we see the connection between Escobar and a reporter, Virginia Vallejo (played by Penelope Cruz.) What is Escobar’s life really like? Also in the cast is Peter Sarsgaard. “Loving Pablo” is rated R. No rating.

Incredibles 2—This reviewer has waited in vain for Plastic Man to have his own film. Alas, no, but second best is Helen Parr (voice of Holly Hunter) who is the Mom (ElastiGirl) of the Paar family, and Dad (Bob, voiced by Craig T. Nelson is Mr. Incredible.) The kids have their own special gifts from throwing fire (the baby Jack) to physical strength. This family really stays together.  Now, in the plot which begins after the first film, a super hero is needed to give the public positive publicity, so ElastiGirl is chosen. That means Mom goes out to work while Dad stays home with the kids. Not always fun when the teens, Violet and Dash (Sarah Vowell and Huck Milner) begin to explore their own powers and like what they have. Violet can be invisible which Dash can bounce all over the place. As for the baby?  He has his own agenda, sometimes.  Is the general public ready for this? We will see and in the meantime, are real theater audiences so immersed in super characters, whether real actors or animation, that they would yawn their way through “Incredibles 2?” Time will tell, but methinks, since the first “Incredibles” was a hit (with an Oscar, too) that fans are still there and ready to follow the Parr family exploits. Also in the cast are Bob Odenkirk and Catherine Keener. “Incredibles 2” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Superfly—This reviewer has worn out the tape of the soundtrack to the first “Superfly” film. Now comes a remake starring Trevor Jackson as Priest, a top drug dealer who wants one more large job before leaving the business.  Priest is known for his wardrobe, too. Can he do it? One big score and then walk away? By the way, if Trevor Jackson’s name sounds familiar, he was Simba in a National Touring Company of “The Lion King” and is on television’s “grownish.” Also in the cast of “Superfly” are Jason Mitchell and Michael E. Williams. Director is Director X. “Superfly” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Set It Up—Here comes a comedy about two overworked junior executives who want to get their bosses together. The reason being” this would give the junior’s more time rather than work. The best thought-out plans don’t always go together. Zoey Deutch is one junior and Glen Powell is the other.  Will their plan work? Also in the cast are Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs. “Set It Up” is 

rated PG-13. No rating.

Tag—Do some adults ever really grow up?  Not in this film, that has Jon Hamm, Ed Helms, Hannibal Buress, Jake Johnson and Jeremy Renner trying to get at each other even as adults. No one, even at their age, wants to be “it.” Now the plans develop and nothing is sacred, including work, someone’s wedding and even a funeral. The stunts took their toll on the actors, too, with injuries. “Tag” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “Tag.” 

Gotti—This film was to have opened in December 2017. John Gotti was a famous mobster in New York City. He ruled the town and in this film, John  Travolta takes on the role of Gotti, with Kelly Preston as his wife and Spencer Lofanco as his son, John Gotti, Jr. Violence follows the life of someone in crime. Also in the cast are Stacy Keach and Leo Rossi. “Gotti” is rated R.  No rating. 

JUNE 22, 2018…

Damsel is a western starring Robert Pattison about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Andrew Garfield doing the same thing?

Under The Silver Lake is a mystery/thriller starring Andrew Garfield about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Robert Pattison doing the same thing?

Boundaries is about a family traveling across country—and they don’t really want to because of Grandpa who sells weed on the side.  Stars Christopher Plummer.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.