June 20, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Here I am again, gang — returning to the scene of the crime.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  — 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy. — Ephesians 5:25-26

 

They preached the good news in that city and won a large number of disciples. Then they returned… strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. — Acts 14:21-22

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. — Galatians 5:22-23

 

Thought: Where the Holy Spirit lives, human character is changed and spiritual fruit can be seen. Certainly this maturity isn’t found overnight! It is, however, noticeable over the long haul of life. What fruit is the Spirit bearing in your life? In what ways have you matured? In what areas do you want the Spirit to exercise greater control? Why not take a moment and consciously yield those areas in which you struggle to him now, as you pray?

 

Prayer: Almighty and ever-present Father, thank you for empowering positive changes in my life as I seek to be more like Jesus. Please bring to full maturity the fruit the Holy Spirit is growing in my life. You know very well that I continue to struggle with __ in my life. I intentionally turn over that part of my life to your Spirit to redeem and fully sanctify. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  — 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 20, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 187 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is JAWS DAY, marking release of the film on this date in 1975. ***MARLAR: Don’t go in the water! (

,
)

 

It’s NATIONAL VANILLA MILKSHAKE DAY, sometimes called ICE CREAM SODA DAY.  ***MARLAR: But they’re NOT the same… so to be fair to everyone I’ll have to order one of each.

 

Today is WOMAN RUNS THE HOUSE DAY, marking this date in 1921 when Alice Robertson of Oklahoma became the first woman to preside over the U.S. House of Representatives. She presided for 30 minutes.  ***MARLAR: Woman Runs the House Day – celebrated at my house every day of the year.

 

Today is NATIONAL WRITE A LOVE LETTER DAY.  ***MARLAR: To the woman that runs the house.

 

Today is TINY GLOVES DAY.  On this day in 1995, at the O.J. Simpson murder trial, Simpson struggled to don a pair of gloves that prosecutors said were worn the night Simpson’s ex-wife, Nicole, and her friend, Ronald Goldman, were murdered.  ***MARLAR: Proving conclusively that he murdered them with gloves that didn’t fit.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

American Eagle Day

Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day

National Kouign Amann Day

Ride to Work On Your Motorcycle Day

Ryan Moran Day

Summer Solstice (6:34 PM EDT)

World Productivity Day

World Refugee Day

Ann & Samantha Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, JUNE 21

Atheists Solidarity Day

Cuckoo Warning Day

Go Skateboarding Day

National Daylight Appreciation Day

National Selfie Day

Tall Girl Appreciation Day

World Handshake Day

World Humanist Day

World Music Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22

Global Smurfs Day

Stupid Guy Thing Day

Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 23

International Widows’ Day

Let It Go Day

Pink Flamingo Day

Public Service Day

Runner’s Selfie Day

SAT Math Day

Typing Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 24

Celebration of the Senses

International Fairy Day

Drive Your Corvette to Work Day

Take Your Dog To Work Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 25

AARL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day

National Catfish Day

Great American Backyard Campout

Color TV Day

Day of the Seafarer

Global Beatles Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 26

America’s Kids Day

Descendants Day

International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking

International Day in Support of Victims of Torture

National Canoe Day

National Milkman Day

Log Cabin Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 27

Decide To Be Married Day

“Happy Birthday To You” Day

Industrial Workers of the World Day

National HIV Testing Day

National Sunglasses Day

PTSD Awareness Day

Please Take My Children To Work Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1877: Canadian inventor Alexander Graham Bell installed the world’s first commercial telephone service in Hamilton, Ontario. ***MARLAR: Followed five minutes later by a call asking him to switch long-distance companies.

 

1887: On Queen Victoria’s Golden Jubilee, Buffalo Bill Cody staged a Royal Command Performance of his famous Wild West Show and four European kings boarded the original Deadwood stagecoach driven by Cody.

 

1949: American tennis player Gussie Moran incited a scandal at Wimbledon when the crowd caught glimpses of lace-trimmed panties under her knee-length skirt.

 

1967: Boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted. Later, the Supreme Court overturned the conviction.

 

1969: Newport ‘69 drew 150,000 music fans. Rocker Jimi Hendrix got $120,000 to appear.

 

1972: The old Tallahatchie Bridge, made famous in Bobbie Gentry’s 1967 blockbuster “Ode to Billy Joe,” collapsed in Mississippi.

 

1973: “American Bandstand” celebrated its 20th anniversary with a 90-minute television special featuring Little Richard, Paul Revere & the Raiders, Cheech and Chong, Three Dog Night and, of course, Dick Clark. (

)

 

1975: A guerrilla group in Buenos Aires was paid a $60-million ransom to release the kidnapped brothers Jorge and Juan Born.

 

1977: Charlie, history’s oldest caged budgerigar, died in London at age 29 years 2 months. A budgie is an Australian parakeet.

 

1986: In Rochester, New York, eating champ Peter Dowdeswell ate 144 prunes in 32 seconds.

 

1988: Price Is Right model Janice Pennington was knocked out cold by a TV camera. (

)

 

1993: The Chicago Bulls won their third straight NBA championship, the first team to “three-peat” since the 1966 Boston Celtics.

 

1994: A downcast O.J. Simpson pleaded not guilty to the slayings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown, and waiter Ronald Goldman.

 

1996: Police seized 10-thousand ice cream bars and pad-locked the factory in Xuzhou, China, after children reported the sticks in their ice cream bars turned out to be plastic models of naked women.

 

2001: A woman in Panama City, Florida, got so angry with her husband over what was termed “a minor matter,” she took one of his shirts from a closet and set it on fire. The blaze spread and burned down their house. The wife was charged with arson. Investigators said insurance would not pay the $65,000 damage because the fire was started by one of the owners.

 

2002: The U.S. Supreme Court declared unconstitutionally cruel the execution of mentally retarded murderers.

 

2004: Retief Goosen won his second U.S. Open Golf championship in four years at Shinnecock Hills in Southampton, New York.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1599: The Synod of Diamper, of the Roman Catholic church, was created to correct the errors of Christians in India and bring conformity to the teachings of the church.

 

1885: A band of Moravian missionaries landed on the shores of Alaska and founded the Bethel Mission.

 

1907: R. A. Torrey receives his DD from Wheaton. A prominent evangelist, Torrey also wrote the popular “What the Bible Teaches.”

 

1965: The bodies of missionaries Tim Van Dyke and Steve Welsh, martyred the day before in Columbia, South America, are found, and transferred to the US for burial.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Bewitched, Moulin Rouge, The Hours, Cold Mountain) Nicole Kidman 48
  • singer/actress Cyndi Lauper 62
  • Actor (The Flintstones movie, “Roseanne”, Blues Brothers 2000) John Goodman, 63 (
    )
  • TV Handyman Bob Vila 69
  • Actor (the dad on “Frasier”) John Mahoney, 75 (
    )
  • Actress (Steel Magnolias, Oscar for Moonstruck) Olympia Dukakis 84
  • Actor (Oscar for Ed Wood) Martin Landau, 84

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1819 : Jacques Offenbach

1924 : Chet Atkins

1937 : Jerry Keller

1942 : Brian Wilson (The Beach Boys)

1945 : Anne Murray

1949 : Lionel Richie (The Commodores)

1949 : Alan Longmuir (The Bay City Rollers)

1954 : Michael Anthony (Van Halen)

1960 : John Taylor (Duran Duran)

1968 : Murphy Karges (Sugar Ray)

1972 : Twiggy Ramirez (Marilyn Manson)

1976 : Jerome Earl Fontamillas (Switchfoot)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we associate Dalmatians with firemen?

I could imagine 101 different reasons. But lest anyone accuse me of dogging it, I’ve pawed through some reference sources to bring you a credible answer. The answer is simple. The key facts are that there is a natural affinity between Dalmatians and horses, and Dalmatians make good watchdogs. People who owned valuable horses often kept Dalmatians around to guard them against horse thieves. Fire engines used to be drawn by fast and powerful horses, a tempting target for thieves. So, Dalmatians were kept in the firehouse as deterrence to theft. The horses have long since gone, but the Dalmatians, by tradition, have stayed. Would you like an even simpler explanation? Firemen are often on the spot, while the spots are always on the Dalmatians.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Selah member Todd Smith is asking for your prayers. He is one of 500 Christian leaders from across the nation who will join in a conversation with presidential candidate Donald Trump today (June 21). Todd says the goal is to better understand him as a person, his position on important issues, and his vision for America’s future.  http://bit.ly/1OsAKiA

 

A question from Kutless member James Mead: Is it football season yet?

 

A milestone for Chris and Jodi of Love and the Outcome. They posted this week: “first date night without Milo,” adding “where better to spend it than at church!”

 

Lauren Daigle will embark on her first headline tour this fall. The tour will run from October 14-30. Daigle says: “I am so pumped to share that I will be headlining my very first tour in the fall! My deepest desire for these nights is that God would shake the foundation of what we know of Him, and expand our revelation of who He is. I want people to feel like they can drink from the water of Life, rest in His presence, and leave refueled and empowered to fulfill all that He has in store.

 

Kutless member James Mead was updating his passport this week and he will be putting it to good use this summer. Kutless will play concerts in Belarus and Ukraine in late July and will also be in the Czech Republic, Austria, and Switzerland in August.

 

Francesca Battistelli had a surprise for the crowd at Summer Xtreme Thursday last night. She brought her father-in-law, Billy Goodwin, on stage for one song. Billy Goodwin is a founding member of the group Newsong and Francesca called him one of the greatest male voices of our time.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BGt9rcoF0FR/

 

Newsboys front man Michael Tait and drummer Duncan Phillips recently sat down to talk about the bands new song “You Hold It All (Every Mountain)”. Check out the story behind the song from their album Love Riot…  https://youtu.be/G16vOAYJbTk

 

Want to listen to Hillsong United on vinyl? Now you can. A two-disc version of their Empires album is available for the first time today in vinyl.

 

Congratulations to Ryan Stevenson. His song Eye of the Storm reached number one on iTunes Christian and Gospel songs list this week. Ryan was clearly a little overwhelmed. He posted: Never in my wildest dreams, would I ever think Id have a #1 song at iTunes. So grateful and honored by the tremendous support and impact this song is having around the world.

 

Chris Tomlin this week announced plans for a new children’s book. The book is titled Good Good Father and was written with help from Pat Barrett. It’s scheduled for release on October 4.  http://twitter.com/christomlin/status/743548755308273664/photo/1

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A woman in China was stopped from boarding a plane after airport security discovered her young child had scribbled in her passport. Two pages in her passport were covered with doodles.  ***I’m reporting this only because I think it’s funny to say the word “doodles”.

 

The smallest room in the house is turning into the reading room for people in the upper income bracket. According to a survey, people whose household income is more than $50,000 a year are more likely to read a book in the toilet than lower income earners — 58 percent compared to 39 percent.  ***The rest of us are also reading in the bathroom – but it’s Facebook and Twitter.

 

A Texas (Brownwood) woman was arrested after police say she pretended to be a bull and charged at passing cars. By the time police arrived Erika Lenz had been dragged inside by her sister and teenage son. Her teenage son told police his mom had “consumed large quantities of tequila.”  ***Yep, that’d do it.

 

Scientists in Australia have concluded that Mimosa plants can learn from experience and have long-term memories.  ***Which is odd, because drinking a lot of Mimosas can impair your memory.

 

A Canadian man who repeatedly entered Michigan to buy and ship thousands of turtles to his native China has been sentenced to five years in prison for smuggling.  ***He was finally caught when four of the turtles suddenly donned masks, pulled out weapons, and brought him to justice.

 

Fishermen in Taiwan delivered dozens of baby sharks after discovering two tiger sharks they pulled from their nets were pregnant. Realizing the mother was carrying pups, fishermen quickly performed an emergency c-section and successfully delivered her entire litter of 38 baby sharks, which are now in the care of local marine biologists.  ***Who are all having a heckuva time trying to feed the sharks with baby bottles without getting their fingers bitten off.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Texting while driving is only dangerous if someone ELSE does it, right?  About half of American drivers between 21 and 24 say they’ve thumbed messages or emailed from the driver’s seat. And what’s more, many drivers don’t think it’s dangerous when they do it – only when others do it.  At any given moment last year on America’s streets and highways, nearly one in every 100 car drivers were texting, emailing, surfing the Web or otherwise using a hand-held electronic device.  ***MARLAR: I was so angry about this that I almost dropped my Droid after reading about it on my way to work this morning.

 

How important is your cell phone? According to recent study by the phone security company Lookout, nearly 70 percent of Americans would be willing to put themselves in actual, physical danger just to retrieve a lost or stolen phone. Nearly half said they would pay $500 to get their phone, with all of its data, back, and a third said they would fork over up to $1,000!  ***MARLAR: Except for Blackberries – people actually offered the person taking the survey twenty bucks to take it off their hands.

 

The Irish have begun burying people with their cell phones, so they know they’ll have a way to call for help if they’re not really dead.  ***MARLAR: Right.  I can’t get a signal in a tunnel, and these people think six-feet-under is going to work with a cell phone?  If that works, I’m buying an Irish cell phone.

 

Fish oil capsules won’t help boost weight loss if you’re already dieting and exercising, new research in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition shows.   Among a group of overweight and obese adults enrolled in a diet and exercise program, those who took omega-3 fatty acids didn’t lose any more weight than those given placebo capsules.  ***MARLAR: In other words, the secret to losing weight with fish oil capsules is to not diet or exercise.  Sign me up!

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Abbreviated is a Long Word”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey ILO, “Dad Compliments”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson had voiced his disgust over having to work so much – he was tired of it and didn’t want to work anymore.  Now he’s on Razzleflabbin Island, and his friends Karl and Olaf are showing him their new weekly calendar clock-tower…

 

CLOSE: Every day could be Saturday… we all wish that from time to time, don’t we?  But would it really be a good thing?  Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 25/26

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Marvy Snuffleson’s parents were disappointed in Marvy because he refused to play or even get to know Scotty – the new kid on the block.  He wasn’t friendly at all.  Of course, it’s not really Marvy’s fault, because after all, everyone knows you don’t hang out with the new kid… it’s just not done… right?

 

CLOSE: As if not playing with the new kid wasn’t bad enough, now Marvy may never be able to play with anyone ever again – he’s washed out onto the high seas!  Tune in next time to find out what happens, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A demolition crew tried to dynamite a city block and failed… but they did manage to damage houses in the rest of the neighborhood!

An attempt to demolish a block of flats in Romania has left the block untouched… but it did make 24 nearby houses uninhabitable. The promised ‘controlled’ explosion in the town of Flaminzi also blew out every house window within 500 feet. The roofs of two nearby buildings collapsed as well. The block of flats was due to be destroyed to make way for a church.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU’RE OVER THE HILL… YOU REMEMBER…

 

  1. Blackjack chewing gum

 

  1. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

 

  1. Candy cigarettes

 

  1. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

 

  1. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

 

  1. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

 

  1. Party lines

 

  1. Newsreels before the movie

 

  1. P.F. Flyers

 

  1. Butch wax

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Vanity can get you into a lot of trouble if you’re a robber! 

 

FILE #1: Kevin Shegog of Covington, Ky., robbed a gas station and made his getaway in a car with license plates reading “SHEGOG.”  Yup, personalized plates with his last name.

 

FILE #2: George Donald of the United Kingdom, looking for a job, walked into a business, gave the owner his name and phone number, then proceeded to steal the owner’s handbag and ran off with it.

 

FILE #3: Christopher Ciotoli of upstate New York was arrested for car theft after, while driving the stolen car, he slowed down to wave ‘hello’ to a sheriff’s deputy he recognized from a prior jail term, thus giving the deputy a chance to read and check out the license plate.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Kansas it is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie à la mode on Sundays.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A British woman’s bulging wig didn’t fool customs agents in Norway who realized she wasn’t just having a bad hair day.

The wig was concealing more than two pounds of cocaine glued to her head. Customs agents detained her on suspicion of cocaine smuggling. The bag of cocaine was glued so firmly to the woman’s real hair that police reportedly had to take her to a local hospital to have it removed. A court ordered the women held until July 15th, pending a formal indictment and trial.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

According to a recent study, we lose an amazing 1 million mobile phone handsets each year – by accidentally dropping them into the toilet and flushing them away. Common causes of losing mobile handsets were falling out of pockets and being knocked into the toilet when being placed on things like the toilet roll holder.  ***MARLAR: On the toilet roll holder?  For what – in case you want to go to the bathroom and use speaker mode?

 

What’s the weirdest way you’ve lost or destroyed a cell phone?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The disciples James and John were the sons of Zebedee. Who was their mother?
ANSWER: Salome. (Mark 15:40)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Scientists have said that they could fill how many volumes of an encyclopedia with the DNA code from a single human cell if the instructions could be duplicated into English.

ANSWER: They say they could fill a 1,000 volume encyclopedia

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Boxing champion Gene Tunney taught art at Yale University. (False – he taught Shakespeare)

 

  1. A quarter of the horses in the U.S. died of a large virus epidemic in 1872. (True)

 

  1. When Beethoven was a child, he made such a poor impression on his music teachers that he was pronounced hopeless as a composer. (True)

 

  1. A forfeited game in basketball ends with a score of 1-0. (False… 2-0)

 

  1. The Kansas City Railroad used to stop their trains to allow the passengers to shoot at passing buffalo. (True)

 

  1. The umbrella originated in China. (False – ancient Egypt. It was used as a symbol of rank)

 

  1. The first motion picture copyrighted in the U.S was in 1894 of a man sneezing. (True)

 

  1. French Astronomer Adrien Auzout had once considered building a telescope that was 1,000 feet long in the 1600s. (True. He thought the magnification would be so great, he would see animals on the moon.)

 

  1. Women shoplift more often than men at a ratio of 4 to 1. (True)

 

  1. The patent number of the telephone is ironically 1,234,567,890. (False – it’s #174,465)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ ZOO TO OPEN IN SOUTH AFRICA  (DINOSAUR)

Excited scientists are hatching eggs recently found in 130 million-year-old dinosaur nest in South Africa.

“The embryos are still intact and we can extract enough DNS to clone the creatures,” one scientist said.  ”In effect, we can hatch the eggs just as well as the mommy dino could.”

In all, 340 eggs belonging to a primitive dinosaur species named Massopondylus, a smaller ancestor of the gigantic, long-decked sauropods of the Jurassic period, were found in 34 separate nests.

“The nests were covered by a mud flow that happened very quickly, possible the result of an earthquake,” the scientist said.  ”That’s why the embryos are so well preserved.  They still contain viable DNA and within a month or so we will successfully clone one or several of the creatures.”

Although the mother who tended the nest was about 50 feet long, her eggs are only about three times the size of chicken eggs.

“For that reason we will be using ostrich eggs to grow the embryos until they hatch,” the scientist said.  ”There is no reason at all that the dinosaur babies will not be healthy and ready to fend for itself.”

Sources close to the South African government say TV networks in the United States and Europe are prepared to bid high for the exclusive coverage of the dinosaur births.

“They want to film a live dinosaur pecking its way out of a shell,” the scientist said, “the first time it’s happened in 60 million years.  It will be a wonderful experience for TV viewers across the world.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

I was in a car dealership yesterday looking at cars because my car broke down Wednesday night while my wife was driving it.  We can’t afford a new car, but when you don’t have a car, you really can’t afford not to go shopping for one either.  Anyway, I was at the dealership yesterday and a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra from the movie Twister.  It was a disaster – I couldn’t believe the motor home wasn’t totaled.  I asked the manager of the service department what had happened and he told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 

JOKE #2

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.” 
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.  His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

 

JOKE #3

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, “Welcome to heaven, my son.”
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. “I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,” the doctor replies. “Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. “Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God, ”but you have to leave in two days.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A sun temple dating back to 1213 BC has been found near Cairo. Ancient Egyptians worshipped the sun as the source of all good. ***MARLAR: In exchange for their devotion, each was given melanoma.

 

If you enjoy sardines on toast or a dinner of oily fish, they’ll help to keep your weight down and maintain good health, a recent study reveals.  ***MARLAR: Because they taste nasty and you eat less.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

MY FATHER’S THE BEST

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, “My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!”

The second one said, “That’s nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!”

The third boy just smiled. “That’s nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TWEETY BIRD

Do you keep hearing cell phones around you, yet there are no cell phones to be seen? You could be hearing a bird mimicking that sound! Isn’t THAT annoying?!

Australia has one of the highest mobile phone usage rates in the world, and the electronic tweeting of mobile phones is so widespread that some Australian birds are mimicking the sound – and making it part of their mating and territorial songs. Australia has six so-called mimic birds which commonly imitate sounds in nature, particularly other bird calls, as part of their mating and territorial displays. So how does a female mimic bird choose a mate? It listens for a male bird that is up to date on the latest cell phone tweeting! If you think this is strange, then consider Australia’s lyre bird. It’s the best mimic of them all, and imitates the click and whir of cameras, the buzz of chain saws and the roar of motorcycles.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

DAD’S WEEKEND

Being a father is not easy. And for all his efforts, a Dad often hears more criticism than praise. A father may work hard to support his family, but be hounded because he can’t afford the latest electronic gizmo. He may offer sound advice to his children, but be dismissed as being out of touch with current life. He may show interest in his teenager’s friends, but be accused of being nosy. He has only their good in mind and at heart, but they don’t appreciate him.
There’s a story about a boy who was saying grace at the family table. He got mixed up and said, “Dear Dad, we thank you for this food.” Everybody laughed except Dad, who felt deeply touched. “I work hard to provide for the family,” he said. Lately I’ve felt taken for granted. It’s been a long time since anyone said ‘thanks,’ even by accident.”

Another grown son told his father, “For several years I have resisted you. I was sure you were wrong about everything. Only recently have I begun to see all the right things you did. I just want you to know I understand.” His Dad broke down and cried.
Do something special for your Dad this weekend (and more frequently in the future).  Let him know that he’s truly appreciated.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LEGAL VERSUS RIGHT

READ: Acts 5:17-29

Peter and the other apostles answered and said: “We ought to obey God rather than men.” —Acts 5:29

In his powerful book Unspeakable, Os Guinness wrestles with the problem of evil in the world. In one section, he focuses on the Nuremberg trials that followed World War II. The Nazis stood charged with crimes against humanity, and their mantra of defense was simple: “I was merely following orders.” The verdict, however, was that the soldiers had a moral obligation to defy orders that, though legal, were clearly wrong.

In a much different context, Peter and the disciples were arrested for presenting the message of the risen Christ and brought before the religious rulers in Jerusalem. Rather than allowing themselves to be shaped by the mood of the mob, the disciples declared their intention to continue preaching Christ.

The orders of the religious establishment may have been legal, but they were wrong. When the disciples chose to obey God rather than the godless religious leaders, they raised a standard of conviction that rose above the opinions of the rulers of this world.

The trials we face may test our commitment. But we will find opportunities to exalt the King if we trust Him for the strength to go beyond the words of the crowd-pleasers and do right as He defines it in His Word. —Bill Crowder

 

Say not, “The days are evil. Who’s to blame?”
And fold the hand and acquiesce—oh, shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely, in God’s name,
Be strong!  —Babcock

 

We must choose daily the way of the cross over the way of the crowd.  —Warren

 

 

LEFTOVERS

SMELLYVISION!

Coming soon to a theatre near you, SMELLYVISION! You’ll SMELL what’s on the screen!

You’ll be able to watch Jurassic Park someday soon and be able to smell dinosaur breath wafting up your nose!  SmellyVision is coming to a cinema near you! Inventor Stefan Reutz has invented a machine which will recreate the smells of a movie. When you walk into the theatre, you’d be given a Walkman-sized silver “Sniffman” which would be worn around your neck. During the movie, it will squirt out the appropriate fragrance every 20 to 40 seconds. Mr Reutz said: “Imagine it in a film like Jurassic Park… it would smell like bogs and rainforests.” During romantic scenes, “When the hero bends down to kiss the princess you’ll be able to smell the perfume she’s wearing.”

Scenes from movies we’d rather NOT smell:

  • Trash compactor scene from Star Wars
  • Dino-dung scene from Jurassic Park
  • Any scene from Back to the Future or Back to the Future 2 involving Biff crashing his car.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIRST DATE

According to a survey by Colgate toothpaste, 79 percent of singles spend a 47 minutes getting ready for a first date. That includes both men and women. 42 percent admit that they like to believe each date is a chance to meet “the one.” Additionally, 40 percent of singles say smoking is a deal-breaker for romance, while 5 percent refuse to go out on a second date with someone who insists on answering his or her cell phone during the first date. Here are the things that Men’s Health says guys should NOT say or do on a first date.

  • Don’t tell her how much money you make.  Sell your personality, not your wallet.
  • Don’t get drunk. You look stupid, and you say stupid things.
  • Do not use the word “proactive” unless she’s specifically told you of her mad attraction to motivational speakers.
  • Do not refer to your “issues” unless she’s specifically told you of her mad attraction to men in analysis.
  • Don’t dress creatively. On a first date, she needs reassurance that you’re normal. Prove you’re a “funky guy” some other time.
  • Don’t give everything away, especially on the family/ex-girlfriend tragedy front. There’s a very real chance she may never return from the ladies room.
  • Avoid leaving your shirt unbuttoned to the naval.
  • Avoid the Ricky Martin impersonation.  Dancing is risky.
  • Don’t go on and on about high school. There’s a certain kind of man for whom the mid-to-late teen years still factor as the most glorious period of his life. Chances are she is not interested in getting to know this man any better.
  • If it was your idea to go out, it’s your responsibility to pick up the check. If it was hers, split it.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

THE NAVY IS CLOSED, COME BACK TOMORROW

What if the armed forces had only 9 to 5 hours? Would you still feel safe? Sweden is doing that with it’s Navy!

The Swedish navy announced recently that because of slashes in the military budget, it would cut back from around-the-clock operations to 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. The army and air force said they have not yet decided whether to remain open on weekends, but that they, too, were hard hit by the legislature’s ban on overtime work. ***MARLAR: So if you’re planning on attacking Sweden, please be courteous and do so between the hours of 9 and 5 weekdays, seeing as the Navy will be out of the office at all other hours…thank you.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU ARE A NEW FATHER

  • Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
  • The sentence, “Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?” sounds normal.
  • You are used to doing everything one-handed.
  • The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
  • The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
  • Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
  • You answer the question “How are you?” with “We’re fine.”
  • You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt’s main color.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE BURNING OUT? WE HAVE A TEST TO FIND OUT!

(Today’s Health Magazine, April 1998) Are you burned out or just a little singed? Read each of the following items and rate how often the symptom is true for you at work or away from work. The continuum runs from 1 to 5 with 1 being never or rarely true and 5 being usually true.

  1. I feel tired even if I’ve gotten adequate sleep.
  2. I am dissatisfied with my work.
  3. I feel sad for no apparent reason.
  4. I am forgetful.
  5. I am irritable and snap at people.
  6. I avoid people.
  7. I have trouble sleeping due to worrying about work.
  8. I get sick more than I used to.
  9. My attitude about work is “why bother?”
  10. I often get into conflicts.
  11. My job performance is below par.
  12. I use alcohol and/or drugs to feel better.
  13. Communicating with others is a strain.
  14. I can’t concentrate on my work like I once could.
  15. I am easily bored with work.
  16. I work hard but accomplish little.
  17. I feel frustrated with work.
  18. I don’t like going to work.
  19. Social activities are draining.
  20. Romance is not worth the effort.
  21. I watch TV most of the time when not working.
  22. I don’t have much to look forward to in my work.
  23. I worry about work during off hours.
  24. Feelings about work interfere with my personal life.
  25. My work seems pointless.

 

RESULTS…

25-50 You’re doing well.

51-75 You’re OK if you take preventive action.

76-100 You’re a good candidate for burnout.

100-125 You’re burning out.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Along the valleys and mountains hugging the East China Sea, a Chinese government campaign to remove crosses from church spires has left the countryside looking as if a typhoon had raged down the coast, decapitating buildings at random. According to the New York Times, the removals are part of an effort to remove Christianity’s most potent symbol from public view. Over the past two years the authorities have torn down crosses from 1,200 to 1,700 churches, sometimes after violent clashes with worshipers trying to stop them. The campaign has been limited to Zhejiang Province, home to one of China’s largest and most vibrant Christian populations. But people familiar with the government’s deliberations say the removal of crosses here has set the stage for a new, nationwide effort to more strictly regulate spiritual life in China, reflecting the tighter control of society favored by President Xi Jinping.

http://nyti.ms/27OuO9I

 

Low Self Esteem? Here are 3 Keys to Recalibrating Your Thought Life from Family Talk

  1. What are you saying to yourself?
  2. Is it true?
  3. How can things be different?

http://bit.ly/1pXaLUr

 

One of the world’s most respected scientists has said that there is scientific proof that points to the existence of God.  Geophilosophical Association of Anthropological and Cultural Studies scientist Michio Kaku, who is known as one of the developers of the revolutionary String Theory, stated, “I have concluded that we are in a world made by rules created by an intelligence.” In a video Kaku explains, using physics and mathematics and referencing String Theory, how science points to the existence of God. He stated “To me it is clear that we exist in a plan which is governed by rules that were created, shaped by a universal intelligence and not by chance.”

http://dlvr.it/LVmk8X

 

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I have the strangest feeling that I’ve done this show before. A feeling of Dee Jay Vu.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 17, 2016…

 

Finding Dory—This animated story, and remember the hit film “Finding Nemo,”  stars the voice of Ellen DeGeneres as Dory, who wants to find her family. Nemo and his Dad are off to join the adventure and help her, along with a myriad of sea creatures. Other voices include Albert Brooks, Dominic West, Hayden Rolence  and Ed O‘Neill. “Finding Dory” is rated G. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Central Intelligence—Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) team up looking for spies in the comedy about two guys who just don’t get along out in the field.  Guess the earthquake belt has quieted down (Reference “San Andreas.”) The mayhem continues. “Central Intelligence” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

 

JUNE 24, 2016…

 

Free State Of Jones stars Matthew McConaughey as a farmer, during the Civil War, who lives in Mississippi and rebels against the South.

 

Independence Day 2: Resurgence and here comes the Mother Ship, about the size of Texas and ready to take on Earth. Stars Liam Hemsworth.

 

The Shallows stars Blake Lively in a survival role as a woman who is surfing and has to fight off a giant shark.

 

Hunt For The Wilderpeople starring Sam Neill as a crusty farmer in New Zealand, has a new opening date. Another view of parenting.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.