June 20, 2018: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180620
PDF: 20180620

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Here I am again, gang — returning to the scene of the crime.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“We are a nation that has a government – not the other way around. And that makes us special among the nations of the earth.” – Ronald Reagan

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. — 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy. — Ephesians 5:25-26

They preached the good news in that city and won a large number of disciples. Then they returned… strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. — Acts 14:21-22

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. — Ephesians 1:17

Thought: One of the best things we can pray for each other, and for ourselves, is that we might better know God. The Holy Spirit helps us better know God (1 Cor. 2), worship God (John 4), and speak to God (Rom. 8). Let’s ask God to use his Spirit to help us know him, not just know about him. God is not only the Almighty Creator of all things; he is also our Father who cares about us deeply.

Prayer: Holy Father, God of all mystery and glory, please open my mind and heart to know you better through the presence of your Holy Spirit within me. Please bless my physical and spiritual family with insight and illumination about you, your love, and your glory. We want to know you more fully and reflect your character and grace more completely. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. — 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JUNE 20, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
187 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is JAWS DAY, marking release of the film on this date in 1975. ***Don’t go in the water! (audio clip #1, audio clip #2)

It’s NATIONAL VANILLA MILKSHAKE DAY, sometimes called ICE CREAM SODA DAY.  ***But they’re NOT the same… so to be fair to everyone I’ll have to order one of each.

Today is WOMAN RUNS THE HOUSE DAY, marking this date in 1921 when Alice Robertson of Oklahoma became the first woman to preside over the U.S. House of Representatives. She presided for 30 minutes.  ***Woman Runs the House Day – celebrated at my house every day of the year.

Today is NATIONAL WRITE A LOVE LETTER DAY.  ***To the woman that runs the house.

Today is TINY GLOVES DAY. On this day in 1995, at the O.J. Simpson murder trial, Simpson struggled to don a pair of gloves that prosecutors said were worn the night Simpson’s ex-wife, Nicole, and her friend, Ronald Goldman, were murdered. ***Proving conclusively that he murdered them with gloves that didn’t fit.

TODAY IS ALSO…

American Eagle Day
Flitch of Bacon Day

Lambrusco Day
National Hike With A Geek Day
National Kouign Amann Day
World Productivity Day
World Refugee Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

THURSDAY, JUNE 21

Ann & Samantha Day
Atheists Solidarity Day
Cuckoo Warning Day
Dump The Pump Day
Go Skateboarding Day
International Day of Yoga
Litha
Midsummer
National Daylight Appreciation Day
National Day of The Gong
National Sea Shell Day
National Selfie Day
Recess At Work Day
Summer Solstice
Summer
Tall Girl Appreciation Day
World Giraffe Day
World Handshake Day
World Humanist Day
World Hydrography Day
World Music Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 22

Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day
HVAC Technicians Day
Global Smurfs Day
National Eat At A Food Truck Day
Stupid Guy Thing Day
Ugliest Dog Day

Take Your Dog to Work Day
World Rainforest Day
Worldwide VW Beetle Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 23

ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day
Great American Backyard Campout
International Widows’ Day
Let It Go Day
National Hydration Day
Pink Flamingo Day (Lawn Ornaments)
Public Service Day
Runner’s Selfie Day
SAT Math Day
Typing Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 24

America’s Kids Day
Celebration of the Senses
Descendants Day
International Fairy Day or Faerie Day
Log Cabin Day
Stonewall National Monument Day

MONDAY, JUNE 25

Color TV Day (CBS)
Day of The Seafarer
Global Beatles Day
Leon Day
National Catfish Day
Please Take My Children To Work Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 26

Harry Potter Day
International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking
International Day in Support of Victims of Torture
National Canoe Day
National Columnists Day
Same Sex Marriage Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27

Decide To Be Married Day
“Happy Birthday To You” Day
Industrial Workers of The World Day
Micro-, Small-, And Medium-Sized Enterprises Day
National HIV Testing Day
National Parchment Cooking Day
National Sunglasses Day
PTSD Awareness Day
Windjammer Day

ON THIS DAY

1877: Canadian inventor Alexander Graham Bell installed the world’s first commercial telephone service in Hamilton, Ontario. ***Followed five minutes later by a call asking him to switch cell carriers.

1887: On Queen Victoria’s Golden Jubilee, Buffalo Bill Cody staged a Royal Command Performance of his famous Wild West Show and four European kings boarded the original Deadwood stagecoach driven by Cody.

1949: American tennis player Gussie Moran incited a scandal at Wimbledon when the crowd caught glimpses of lace-trimmed panties under her knee-length skirt.

1967: Boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted. Later, the Supreme Court overturned the conviction.

1969: Newport ‘69 drew 150,000 music fans. Rocker Jimi Hendrix got $120,000 to appear.

1972: The old Tallahatchie Bridge, made famous in Bobbie Gentry’s 1967 blockbuster “Ode to Billy Joe,” collapsed in Mississippi.

1973: “American Bandstand” celebrated its 20th anniversary with a 90-minute television special featuring Little Richard, Paul Revere & the Raiders, Cheech and Chong, Three Dog Night and, of course, Dick Clark. (audio clip)

1975: A guerrilla group in Buenos Aires was paid a $60-million ransom to release the kidnapped brothers Jorge and Juan Born.

1977: Charlie, history’s oldest caged budgerigar, died in London at age 29 years 2 months. A budgie is an Australian parakeet.

1986: In Rochester, New York, eating champ Peter Dowdeswell ate 144 prunes in 32 seconds.

1988: Price Is Right model Janice Pennington was knocked out cold by a TV camera. (audio clip)

1993: The Chicago Bulls won their third straight NBA championship, the first team to “three-peat” since the 1966 Boston Celtics.

1994: A downcast O.J. Simpson pleaded not guilty to the slayings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown, and waiter Ronald Goldman.

1996: Police seized 10-thousand ice cream bars and pad-locked the factory in Xuzhou, China, after children reported the sticks in their ice cream bars turned out to be plastic models of naked women.

2001: A woman in Panama City, Florida, got so angry with her husband over what was termed “a minor matter,” she took one of his shirts from a closet and set it on fire. The blaze spread and burned down their house. The wife was charged with arson. Investigators said insurance would not pay the $65,000 damage because the fire was started by one of the owners.

2002: The U.S. Supreme Court declared unconstitutionally cruel the execution of mentally retarded murderers.

2004: Retief Goosen won his second U.S. Open Golf championship in four years at Shinnecock Hills in Southampton, New York.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1599: The Synod of Diamper, of the Roman Catholic church, was created to correct the errors of Christians in India and bring conformity to the teachings of the church.

1885: A band of Moravian missionaries landed on the shores of Alaska and founded the Bethel Mission.

1907: R. A. Torrey receives his DD from Wheaton. A prominent evangelist, Torrey also wrote the popular “What the Bible Teaches.”

1965: The bodies of missionaries Tim Van Dyke and Steve Welsh, martyred the day before in Columbia, South America, are found, and transferred to the US for burial.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Sweet Home Alabama) Josh Lucas, 47

  • actress (Bewitched, Moulin Rouge, The Hours, Cold Mountain) Nicole Kidman 50

  • singer/actress Cyndi Lauper 64

  • Actor (The Flintstones movie, “Roseanne”, Blues Brothers 2000) John Goodman, 65 (audio clip)

  • TV Handyman Bob Vila 71

  • Actor (“Frasier”) John Mahoney, 77 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Steel Magnolias, Oscar for Moonstruck) Olympia Dukakis 86

  • Actor (Oscar for Ed Wood) Martin Landau, 86

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1819 : Jacques Offenbach

1924 : Chet Atkins

1937 : Jerry Keller

1942 : Brian Wilson (The Beach Boys)

1945 : Anne Murray

1949 : Lionel Richie (The Commodores)

1949 : Alan Longmuir (The Bay City Rollers)

1954 : Michael Anthony (Van Halen)

1960 : John Taylor (Duran Duran)

1968 : Murphy Karges (Sugar Ray)

1972 : Twiggy Ramirez (Marilyn Manson)

1976 : Jerome Earl Fontamillas (Switchfoot)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do we associate Dalmatians with firemen?

I could imagine 101 different reasons. But lest anyone accuse me of dogging it, I’ve pawed through some reference sources to bring you a credible answer. The answer is simple. The key facts are that there is a natural affinity between Dalmatians and horses, and Dalmatians make good watchdogs. People who owned valuable horses often kept Dalmatians around to guard them against horse thieves. Fire engines used to be drawn by fast and powerful horses, a tempting target for thieves. So, Dalmatians were kept in the firehouse as deterrence to theft. The horses have long since gone, but the Dalmatians, by tradition, have stayed. Would you like an even simpler explanation? Firemen are often on the spot, while the spots are always on the Dalmatians.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Many a parent has watched in horror as a video game seemingly took over their child’s life – labelling it “digital heroin.” Now, they may have backup: The World Health Organization announced “gaming disorder” as a new mental health condition. There are three major diagnostic features or characteristics of gaming disorder: A) the gaming behavior takes precedence over other activities to the extent that other activities are taken to the periphery, B) Impaired control of these behaviors, and C) The condition leads to significant distress and impairment in personal, family, social, educational or occupational functioning. ***The treatment, fortunately, is inexpensive and simple.  Step one: remove the gaming consoles from the home. Step two: go outside.

Mexico’s win over Germany in the World Cup actually caused some seismic measurements. Yes, in other words, an earthquake.  ***I say we bring the World Cup to California so we can break it off into the ocean.

How much did the Golden State Warriors spend on champagne during the course of the playoffs? $990,000.  ***And now you know why buying a beer at one of their games costs you twelve bucks.

Cincinnati rookie quarterback Logan Woodside was arrested on suspicion of DUI.  ***They immediately suspected when they saw his pass-throwing capabilities.

A shoplifter in Toronto was caught stealing clothes at Walmart. But when Constable Niran Jeyanesan arrived to arrest him, he was moved by the 18-year-old’s story and decided not to press charges and buy him the clothes instead. The teen’s story: he was stealing a dress shirt, tie and socks for a job interview. Constable Jeyanesan learned days later that the teen got the job. ***So let that be a lesson to you, kiddos… crime doesn’t pay.  Unless it does.

After enough complaints, Target pulled a Father’s Day “Baby Daddy” card from their shelves.  ***How is that offensive?  We’re people giving to guys who weren’t baby daddies?  If you are a guy, and you have a child, aren’t you a baby daddy by definition?

Senator Ted Cruz beat Jimmy Kimmel in a celebrity one-on-one basketball game Sunday, 11-9. $14,000 was raised for charity. ***It’s always great to see the bully get it in the end.

Honey Boo Boo’s mom June Shannon is blaming a 25 pound weight gain on poor vision. ***She just couldn’t SEE herself staying on her diet.

President Trump has directed the Pentagon to create a “space force” because, he feels, “the US must have dominance in space.”  ***I’m all for that, but shouldn’t dominate the United States first by taking care of that wall thing?

McDonalds is going to test out straw alternatives in the U.S. ***What exactly would that be?  Tube socks?

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo has accepted a two year suspended sentence and $20 Million fine for tax fraud. ***It could’ve been worse – he could’ve been fired and have to get a job at Ronaldo McDonaldo’s house.

A seven-time Jeopardy winner who taught history at a small Michigan college faces up to five years in prison for sneaking into the email accounts of other professors, administrators and students. Stephanie Jass, who taught at Adrian College in southern Michigan, pleaded guilty to a charge of unauthorized computer access. Her sentencing is scheduled for July 20. Authorities said Jass logged into other people’s email accounts without permission over a four-day period last year after the college reset everyone’s passwords and assigned everyone the same temporary password. Another professor learned what Jass had done and told school officials. ***”I’ll take Smart People Doing Dumb Things” for $300, Alex!”

There’s a craze moving down from Canada and into the U.S. — Ax Throwing Centers. You know, instead of darts, you’re tossing axes. ***Hey – I just found a way for people in England to protect themselves from robbers!

A statistical shocker out of England, where only 5% of burglaries or robberies are ever solved.  ***Sounds like someone might need to pass out some guns so people can protect themselves.

A 54-year-old woman in Indonesia who went to check on her corn ended up being swallowed whole by a 23-foot-long python.  ***Proof positive that gardening can be deadly.

A British man stabbed himself to death after mistakenly thinking he was wearing a stab-proof fest and wanted to test it out.  ***Why would you test it on yourself?  That’s what assistants are for – you test it on THEM!

Five people have been arrested after a police raid of a home in a central Florida retirement community (The Villages) uncovered drugs. Drugs were in “plain sight” in the home, and investigators also uncovered golf cart parts including windshields, seat cushions, wheels and tires — signs the home may have been used as a golf cart chop-shop. ***See, now this is what happens when you stick your grandma in a home and tell her to find a hobby.

The early reviews on John Travolta’s new movie, “Gotti” are beyond horrible. Rotten tomatoes gave it a 0%.  ***What he’s GOTTI here is a big STINKER!

Catherine Zeta-Jones says she is “sick of being humble.” ***Well, with that egotistical, narcissistic statement, you can say your mission was accomplished.

A psychologist in Memphis closed her office after being accused of spanking several patients with a whip and riding crop.  ***What… you’ve never heard of negative reinforcement?

It may be the number one movie in America, but Disney has issued an official seizure warning for Incredibles 2. Both the film and the trailer contain flashing or strobe light effects, which can cause seizures for some epileptic viewers. The Epilepsy Foundation spoke out about the issue, and a petition called for Disney to include a visual warning about the lights. The lights can also affect people who suffer from migraines or have other conditions causing them to be photosensitive. Disney’s official memo reads, “Incredibles 2 contains a sequence of flashing lights, which may affect customers who are susceptible to photosensitive epilepsy or other photo-sensitivities.”  ***Sadly, these warnings are being posted in the United States where a majority of the movie-going crowd don’t know what words like “photo-sensitivities” means and likely think it’s another term for taking a selfie of your cavities.

As far Kim Kardashian running for president some day, she says “Never say never.”  ***Okay, then let me say it for you… NEVER.

A Chicago strip club almost canceled a 4-night engagement with Stormy Daniels after the owner decided that “she was nothing to write home about.” She ended up doing all of her scheduled shows.  ***And nobody wrote home about it.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A NASA scientist is warning that the Earth is woefully unprepared for a surprise comet or asteroid strike. ***Of course we’re not prepared… you just said it’s a SURPRISE!

The Sun reports Americans spend a whopping six hours a day gossiping. That’s the findings of an independent national poll from all 50 states about the time they spend dishing dirt. Not surprisingly, women gossip more than men, logging in six and a half hours daily talking to friends about subjects from their husbands to celebrities to other friends. But men aren’t exactly silent. The guys put in an average of five and a half hours. Their subjects were most likely to be their bosses, co-workers and sports figures. ***The Sun is reporting this? Isn’t The Sun a GOSSIP publication?!?!

Is there a smell that we can all agree is just horrible? Yes. A British survey found the smell of a wet dog is something we can do without. Wet dog beat out “cheesy socks” as the top stink. ***Worst smell of all though was “wet dog wearing cheesy socks.”

Psychology researcher Felix Warneken of Germany’s Max Planck Institute of Evolutionary Anthropology discovered that babies develop altruism at around 18 months. He did household tasks in front of 24 different toddlers. Every time he knocked over a book or dropped a clothespin, the toddler would quickly crawl over, pick up the object, and hand it back. He never asked for help or said “thank you” because he didn’t want to influence their behavior. But he found that the babies only helped when he appeared to accidentally drop something and needed help, not when it looked like he did it on purpose. ***Yet they never, NEVER picked up their own toys.

A new study out says that teens who use smartphones and tablets at least five hours a day increase their chances of obesity by 43%. ***Apparently all those food pics really pack on the pounds!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was in the hospital after hurting himself while trying to do things better than Steve Mozart. Mozart was also in the hospital, received all of the attention, made a miraculous recovery, and is headed out of the hospital with everyone following him…

CLOSE: It may be freezing in Siberia, but the good news is that there isn’t any Steve Mozart there! At least, that’s what Millard hopes. We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A demolition crew tried to dynamite a city block and failed… but they did manage to damage houses in the rest of the neighborhood!

An attempt to demolish a block of flats in Romania has left the block untouched… but it did make 24 nearby houses uninhabitable. The promised ‘controlled’ explosion in the town of Flaminzi also blew out every house window within 500 feet. The roofs of two nearby buildings collapsed as well. The block of flats was due to be destroyed to make way for a church.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU’RE OVER THE HILL… YOU REMEMBER…

10. Blackjack chewing gum

9. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

8. Candy cigarettes

7. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

6. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

5. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

4. Party lines

3. Newsreels before the movie

2. P.F. Flyers

1. Butch wax

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Vanity can get you into a lot of trouble if you’re a robber!

FILE #1: Kevin Shegog of Covington, Ky., robbed a gas station and made his getaway in a car with license plates reading “SHEGOG.” Yup, personalized plates with his last name.

FILE #2: George Donald of the United Kingdom, looking for a job, walked into a business, gave the owner his name and phone number, then proceeded to steal the owner’s handbag and ran off with it.

FILE #3: Christopher Ciotoli of upstate New York was arrested for car theft after, while driving the stolen car, he slowed down to wave ‘hello’ to a sheriff’s deputy he recognized from a prior jail term, thus giving the deputy a chance to read and check out the license plate.

STRANGE LAW: In Kansas it is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie à la mode on Sundays.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A British woman’s bulging wig didn’t fool customs agents in Norway who realized she wasn’t just having a bad hair day.

The wig was concealing more than two pounds of cocaine glued to her head. Customs agents detained her on suspicion of cocaine smuggling. The bag of cocaine was glued so firmly to the woman’s real hair that police reportedly had to take her to a local hospital to have it removed. A court ordered the women held until July 15th, pending a formal indictment and trial.

PHONER PHUN

According to a recent study, we lose an amazing 1 million mobile phone handsets each year – by accidentally dropping them into the toilet and flushing them away. Common causes of losing mobile handsets were falling out of pockets and being knocked into the toilet when being placed on things like the toilet roll holder. ***On the toilet roll holder? For what – in case you want to go to the bathroom and use speaker mode?

What’s the weirdest way you’ve lost or destroyed a cell phone?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The disciples James and John were the sons of Zebedee. Who was their mother?
ANSWER: Salome. (Mark 15:40)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Scientists have said that they could fill how many volumes of an encyclopedia with the DNA code from a single human cell if the instructions could be duplicated into English.

ANSWER: They say they could fill a 1,000 volume encyclopedia

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Boxing champion Gene Tunney taught art at Yale University. (False – he taught Shakespeare)

2. A quarter of the horses in the U.S. died of a large virus epidemic in 1872. (True)

3. When Beethoven was a child, he made such a poor impression on his music teachers that he was pronounced hopeless as a composer. (True)

4. A forfeited game in basketball ends with a score of 1-0. (False… 2-0)

5. The Kansas City Railroad used to stop their trains to allow the passengers to shoot at passing buffalo. (True)

6. The umbrella originated in China. (False – ancient Egypt. It was used as a symbol of rank)

7. The first motion picture copyrighted in the U.S was in 1894 of a man sneezing. (True)

8. French Astronomer Adrien Auzout had once considered building a telescope that was 1,000 feet long in the 1600s. (True. He thought the magnification would be so great, he would see animals on the moon.)

9. Women shoplift more often than men at a ratio of 4 to 1. (True)

10. The patent number of the telephone is ironically 1,234,567,890. (False – it’s #174,465)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ ZOO TO OPEN IN SOUTH AFRICA  (DINOSAUR)

Excited scientists are hatching eggs recently found in 130 million-year-old dinosaur nest in South Africa.

“The embryos are still intact and we can extract enough DNS to clone the creatures,” one scientist said.  ”In effect, we can hatch the eggs just as well as the mommy dino could.”

In all, 340 eggs belonging to a primitive dinosaur species named Massopondylus, a smaller ancestor of the gigantic, long-decked sauropods of the Jurassic period, were found in 34 separate nests.

“The nests were covered by a mud flow that happened very quickly, possible the result of an earthquake,” the scientist said.  ”That’s why the embryos are so well preserved.  They still contain viable DNA and within a month or so we will successfully clone one or several of the creatures.”

Although the mother who tended the nest was about 50 feet long, her eggs are only about three times the size of chicken eggs.

“For that reason we will be using ostrich eggs to grow the embryos until they hatch,” the scientist said.  ”There is no reason at all that the dinosaur babies will not be healthy and ready to fend for itself.”

Sources close to the South African government say TV networks in the United States and Europe are prepared to bid high for the exclusive coverage of the dinosaur births.

“They want to film a live dinosaur pecking its way out of a shell,” the scientist said, “the first time it’s happened in 60 million years.  It will be a wonderful experience for TV viewers across the world.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

I was in a car dealership yesterday looking at cars because my car broke down Wednesday night while my wife was driving it. We can’t afford a new car, but when you don’t have a car, you really can’t afford not to go shopping for one either. Anyway, I was at the dealership yesterday and a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra from the movie Twister. It was a disaster – I couldn’t believe the motor home wasn’t totaled. I asked the manager of the service department what had happened and he told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

JOKE #2

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.  The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.” 
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.  His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

JOKE #3

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, “Welcome to heaven, my son.”
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. “I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,” the doctor replies. “Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. “Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God, ”but you have to leave in two days.”

USELESS FACTS

A sun temple dating back to 1213 BC has been found near Cairo. Ancient Egyptians worshipped the sun as the source of all good. ***In exchange for their devotion, each was given melanoma.

If you enjoy sardines on toast or a dinner of oily fish, they’ll help to keep your weight down and maintain good health, according to a recent study.  ***Probably because they taste nasty and you eat less.

FEATURED FUNNIES

MY FATHER’S THE BEST

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, “My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!”

The second one said, “That’s nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!”

The third boy just smiled. “That’s nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TWEETY BIRD

Do you keep hearing cell phones around you, yet there are no cell phones to be seen? You could be hearing a bird mimicking that sound! Isn’t THAT annoying?!

Australia has one of the highest mobile phone usage rates in the world, and the electronic tweeting of mobile phones is so widespread that some Australian birds are mimicking the sound – and making it part of their mating and territorial songs. Australia has six so-called mimic birds which commonly imitate sounds in nature, particularly other bird calls, as part of their mating and territorial displays. So how does a female mimic bird choose a mate? It listens for a male bird that is up to date on the latest cell phone tweeting! If you think this is strange, then consider Australia’s lyre bird. It’s the best mimic of them all, and imitates the click and whir of cameras, the buzz of chain saws and the roar of motorcycles.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

DAD’S WEEKEND

Being a father is not easy. And for all his efforts, a Dad often hears more criticism than praise. A father may work hard to support his family, but be hounded because he can’t afford the latest electronic gizmo. He may offer sound advice to his children, but be dismissed as being out of touch with current life. He may show interest in his teenager’s friends, but be accused of being nosy. He has only their good in mind and at heart, but they don’t appreciate him.
There’s a story about a boy who was saying grace at the family table. He got mixed up and said, “Dear Dad, we thank you for this food.” Everybody laughed except Dad, who felt deeply touched. “I work hard to provide for the family,” he said. Lately I’ve felt taken for granted. It’s been a long time since anyone said ‘thanks,’ even by accident.”

Another grown son told his father, “For several years I have resisted you. I was sure you were wrong about everything. Only recently have I begun to see all the right things you did. I just want you to know I understand.” His Dad broke down and cried.
Do something special for your Dad this weekend (and more frequently in the future). Let him know that he’s truly appreciated.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

LEGAL VERSUS RIGHT

READ: Acts 5:17-29

Peter and the other apostles answered and said: “We ought to obey God rather than men.” —Acts 5:29

In his powerful book Unspeakable, Os Guinness wrestles with the problem of evil in the world. In one section, he focuses on the Nuremberg trials that followed World War II. The Nazis stood charged with crimes against humanity, and their mantra of defense was simple: “I was merely following orders.” The verdict, however, was that the soldiers had a moral obligation to defy orders that, though legal, were clearly wrong.

In a much different context, Peter and the disciples were arrested for presenting the message of the risen Christ and brought before the religious rulers in Jerusalem. Rather than allowing themselves to be shaped by the mood of the mob, the disciples declared their intention to continue preaching Christ.

The orders of the religious establishment may have been legal, but they were wrong. When the disciples chose to obey God rather than the godless religious leaders, they raised a standard of conviction that rose above the opinions of the rulers of this world.

The trials we face may test our commitment. But we will find opportunities to exalt the King if we trust Him for the strength to go beyond the words of the crowd-pleasers and do right as He defines it in His Word. —Bill Crowder

Say not, “The days are evil. Who’s to blame?”
And fold the hand and acquiesce—oh, shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely, in God’s name,
Be strong!  —Babcock

We must choose daily the way of the cross over the way of the crowd.  —Warren

LEFTOVERS

SMELLYVISION!

Coming soon to a theatre near you, SMELLYVISION! You’ll SMELL what’s on the screen!

You’ll be able to watch Jurassic Park someday soon and be able to smell dinosaur breath wafting up your nose! SmellyVision is coming to a cinema near you! Inventor Stefan Reutz has invented a machine which will recreate the smells of a movie. When you walk into the theatre, you’d be given a Walkman-sized silver “Sniffman” which would be worn around your neck. During the movie, it will squirt out the appropriate fragrance every 20 to 40 seconds. Mr Reutz said: “Imagine it in a film like Jurassic Park… it would smell like bogs and rainforests.” During romantic scenes, “When the hero bends down to kiss the princess you’ll be able to smell the perfume she’s wearing.”

Scenes from movies we’d rather NOT smell:

  • Trash compactor scene from Star Wars

  • Dino-dung scene from Jurassic Park

  • Any scene from Back to the Future or Back to the Future 2 involving Biff crashing his car.

LIFE… LIVE IT

FIRST DATE

According to a survey by Colgate toothpaste, 79 percent of singles spend a 47 minutes getting ready for a first date. That includes both men and women. 42 percent admit that they like to believe each date is a chance to meet “the one.” Additionally, 40 percent of singles say smoking is a deal-breaker for romance, while 5 percent refuse to go out on a second date with someone who insists on answering his or her cell phone during the first date. Here are the things that Men’s Health says guys should NOT say or do on a first date.

  • Don’t tell her how much money you make.  Sell your personality, not your wallet.

  • Don’t get drunk. You look stupid, and you say stupid things.

  • Do not use the word “proactive” unless she’s specifically told you of her mad attraction to motivational speakers.

  • Do not refer to your “issues” unless she’s specifically told you of her mad attraction to men in analysis.

  • Don’t dress creatively. On a first date, she needs reassurance that you’re normal. Prove you’re a “funky guy” some other time.

  • Don’t give everything away, especially on the family/ex-girlfriend tragedy front. There’s a very real chance she may never return from the ladies room.

  • Avoid leaving your shirt unbuttoned to the naval.

  • Avoid the Ricky Martin impersonation.  Dancing is risky.

  • Don’t go on and on about high school. There’s a certain kind of man for whom the mid-to-late teen years still factor as the most glorious period of his life. Chances are she is not interested in getting to know this man any better.

  • If it was your idea to go out, it’s your responsibility to pick up the check. If it was hers, split it.

JUST FOR FUN

THE NAVY IS CLOSED, COME BACK TOMORROW

What if the armed forces had only 9 to 5 hours? Would you still feel safe? Sweden is doing that with it’s Navy!

The Swedish navy announced recently that because of slashes in the military budget, it would cut back from around-the-clock operations to 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., Monday through Friday. The army and air force said they have not yet decided whether to remain open on weekends, but that they, too, were hard hit by the legislature’s ban on overtime work. ***MARLAR: So if you’re planning on attacking Sweden, please be courteous and do so between the hours of 9 and 5 weekdays, seeing as the Navy will be out of the office at all other hours…thank you.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU ARE A NEW FATHER

  • Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

  • The sentence, “Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?” sounds normal.

  • You are used to doing everything one-handed.

  • The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.

  • The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.

  • Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

  • You answer the question “How are you?” with “We’re fine.”

  • You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt’s main color.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE BURNING OUT? WE HAVE A TEST TO FIND OUT!

(Today’s Health Magazine, April 1998) Are you burned out or just a little singed? Read each of the following items and rate how often the symptom is true for you at work or away from work. The continuum runs from 1 to 5 with 1 being never or rarely true and 5 being usually true.

1. I feel tired even if I’ve gotten adequate sleep.

2. I am dissatisfied with my work.

3. I feel sad for no apparent reason.

4. I am forgetful.

5. I am irritable and snap at people.

6. I avoid people.

7. I have trouble sleeping due to worrying about work.

8. I get sick more than I used to.

9. My attitude about work is “why bother?”

10. I often get into conflicts.

11. My job performance is below par.

12. I use alcohol and/or drugs to feel better.

13. Communicating with others is a strain.

14. I can’t concentrate on my work like I once could.

15. I am easily bored with work.

16. I work hard but accomplish little.

17. I feel frustrated with work.

18. I don’t like going to work.

19. Social activities are draining.

20. Romance is not worth the effort.

21. I watch TV most of the time when not working.

22. I don’t have much to look forward to in my work.

23. I worry about work during off hours.

24. Feelings about work interfere with my personal life.

25. My work seems pointless.

RESULTS…

25-50 You’re doing well.

51-75 You’re OK if you take preventive action.

76-100 You’re a good candidate for burnout.

100-125 You’re burning out.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Oil changed? Checked. Tires inflated? Yes sir. Blood pressure, heart rate, testosterone levels who knows? A recent survey reveals that an incredible 70 percent of men find it easier to care for their cars. Why? “When a boy is 5 years old and skins his knee, he is told that big boys do not cry,” says Scott Williams, vice president of Men’s Health Network, who commissioned the survey. “Fast-forward to adulthood and chest pain evokes the same dismissive reaction.” But denying changing health requirements can be dangerous, experts say. “At age 40,” warns Dr. Harry Fisch, urologist and clinical professor of medicine at New York Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical College, “the body begins to change and men are past the maintenance free years.”

Eating five a day may keep the blues away. Consuming a diet rich in fruits and vegetables — from apples to avocados — could be as beneficial for your mental health and well-being as it is for your physical health, according to researchers from England’s University of Warwick Medical School. And the opposite is also true. If you don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, your mental health could decline. The study led by Dr. Saverio Stranges, the team analyzed data from the Health Survey for England. they found 33.5 percent of those with high mental well-being ate five or more portions of fruits and vegetables a day, compared with only 6.8 percent who ate less than one portion. 31.4 percent of those with high mental well-being ate three to four portions of fruits and veggies daily. 28.4 percent of those with high mental well-being ate one to two portions a day.

Do restaurant calorie counts work? The theory is that when we see calorie counts on menus, we’ll choose healthier and less fat-filled items. The reality is it doesn’t work that way. Calorie labeling on menus appears to have very little impact on what we choose to eat. So what if the double cheeseburger has way more calories than the garden salad? That’s the word from New York University researchers from the Langone Medical Center, who analyzed fast food purchases in the region and concluded that menu calorie information alone is not enough to lower obesity rates. A study found that calorie consumption in a 2013-14 survey averaged between 804 and 839 per meal at restaurants with calorie counts and between 802 and 857 per meal at restaurants without calorie counts. In a 2008 survey, calorie consumption averaged 783 per meal at restaurants with calorie counts and 756 per meal at restaurants without calorie counts.

When your mom used to nag you to “Sit up straight” turns out it was for your own good. A recent study finds that sitting or standing straight with the shoulders pushed back lengthens the spine and actually makes you able to handle pain better. Also taking a “dominate” posture by sitting or standing up straight tells your brain that you are in control of a situation, say researchers at the University of Southern California and Canada’s University of Toronto. That means poor posture hunching over and curling up in a submissive pose not only makes you look weaker, but it makes you feel weaker, too.

It takes 15 to 20 seconds of hand washing to kill disease-causing germs, but most people only wash their hands for about 6 seconds, including restaurant workers. Improper hand washing contributes to nearly 50 percent of all food-borne illness outbreaks. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, you should wash your hands under running water and with soap for at least 20 seconds. An easy way to time it is to wash your hands as long as it takes you to sing the “Happy Birthday” song two times. Then, leaving the water running, dry your hands with a paper towel and use the towel to turn off the faucet and open the door, before tossing it into the trash.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I have the strangest feeling that I’ve done this show before. A feeling of Dee Jay Vu.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 15, 2018…

Loving Pablo (opening in select cities)—This film is a study of the leader of a drug cartel. Javier Bardem plays Pablo Escobar, and in this film (based on real life), we see the connection between Escobar and a reporter, Virginia Vallejo (played by Penelope Cruz.) What is Escobar’s life really like? Also in the cast is Peter Sarsgaard. “Loving Pablo” is rated R. No rating.

Incredibles 2—This reviewer has waited in vain for Plastic Man to have his own film. Alas, no, but second best is Helen Parr (voice of Holly Hunter) who is the Mom (ElastiGirl) of the Paar family, and Dad (Bob, voiced by Craig T. Nelson is Mr. Incredible.) The kids have their own special gifts from throwing fire (the baby Jack) to physical strength. This family really stays together.  Now, in the plot which begins after the first film, a super hero is needed to give the public positive publicity, so ElastiGirl is chosen. That means Mom goes out to work while Dad stays home with the kids. Not always fun when the teens, Violet and Dash (Sarah Vowell and Huck Milner) begin to explore their own powers and like what they have. Violet can be invisible which Dash can bounce all over the place. As for the baby?  He has his own agenda, sometimes.  Is the general public ready for this? We will see and in the meantime, are real theater audiences so immersed in super characters, whether real actors or animation, that they would yawn their way through “Incredibles 2?” Time will tell, but methinks, since the first “Incredibles” was a hit (with an Oscar, too) that fans are still there and ready to follow the Parr family exploits. Also in the cast are Bob Odenkirk and Catherine Keener. “Incredibles 2” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

Superfly—This reviewer has worn out the tape of the soundtrack to the first “Superfly” film. Now comes a remake starring Trevor Jackson as Priest, a top drug dealer who wants one more large job before leaving the business.  Priest is known for his wardrobe, too. Can he do it? One big score and then walk away? By the way, if Trevor Jackson’s name sounds familiar, he was Simba in a National Touring Company of “The Lion King” and is on television’s “grownish.” Also in the cast of “Superfly” are Jason Mitchell and Michael E. Williams. Director is Director X. “Superfly” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Set It Up—Here comes a comedy about two overworked junior executives who want to get their bosses together. The reason being” this would give the junior’s more time rather than work. The best thought-out plans don’t always go together. Zoey Deutch is one junior and Glen Powell is the other.  Will their plan work? Also in the cast are Lucy Liu and Taye Diggs. “Set It Up” is 

rated PG-13. No rating.

Tag—Do some adults ever really grow up?  Not in this film, that has Jon Hamm, Ed Helms, Hannibal Buress, Jake Johnson and Jeremy Renner trying to get at each other even as adults. No one, even at their age, wants to be “it.” Now the plans develop and nothing is sacred, including work, someone’s wedding and even a funeral. The stunts took their toll on the actors, too, with injuries. “Tag” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans of “Tag.” 

Gotti—This film was to have opened in December 2017. John Gotti was a famous mobster in New York City. He ruled the town and in this film, John  Travolta takes on the role of Gotti, with Kelly Preston as his wife and Spencer Lofanco as his son, John Gotti, Jr. Violence follows the life of someone in crime. Also in the cast are Stacy Keach and Leo Rossi. “Gotti” is rated R.  No rating. 

JUNE 22, 2018…

Damsel is a western starring Robert Pattison about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Andrew Garfield doing the same thing?

Under The Silver Lake is a mystery/thriller starring Andrew Garfield about finding a lost girlfriend. Isn’t Robert Pattison doing the same thing?

Boundaries is about a family traveling across country—and they don’t really want to because of Grandpa who sells weed on the side.  Stars Christopher Plummer.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.