June 22, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180622
PDF: 20180622

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The following program has earned the National Association of Broadcasters’ Seal of Apology.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.” – Abraham Lincoln (Gettysburg Address)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.” –Psalm 19:1-2

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask for him. — Luke 11:13

O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent, for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues. — Psalm 109:1-2

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. — Galatians 2:20

Thought: Christianity is all about dying to ourselves. Some see this as hideous, onerous, and weak. “Why give up your desires, wants, and longings for something someone else mandates?” they wonder. “That sounds like slavery!” they charge. However, they fail to realize that surrendering our wills to Christ is like a bird surrendering to air currents or a fish to the water. When we surrender to the Lord, he gives us the power to be what we were made to be — enabled to be useful in ways that are eternal, empowered to have life not limited by mortal boundaries, and blessed by communion with the Creator as our Father. What is lost in this surrender to Christ living in us? Only our selfishness and our self-damage caused by rebellion.

Prayer: Holy Father, I thank you for your work in my life through Jesus. As you remake me to be more like your Son and my Savior, I trust that you will use me in ways far grander than I can imagine. Please take my heart and cleanse it thoroughly. Please take my life and use it mightily. Please expand my thoughts and help me dream more majestically. May all of this be empowered by your Son’s life in me, and may all I do, dream, and desire be for your glory. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Romans 6:22 NIV = But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 22, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
185 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL LISTEN TO A CHILD DAY.  ***Which reminds me, (OTHER JOCK’S) show begins at (7pm).

Today is MIRTHDAY, a day to celebrate your own uniqueness, sense of humor, and outlook on life.

Today is STUPID GUY THING DAY, a day for women to make a list of stupid guy things and pass it on.

Today is SOAP MICROPHONE DAY, a day to shower while singing into the soap.  ***Most certainly a stupid guy thing – I used to do it all the time.  The only reason I don’t anymore is that we use liquid soap… so now I sing into my back brush. Hey, it’s part of my mirth.

STUPID GUY THINGS…

  • TiVo-ing “World’s Wildest Police Videos”

  • Throwing every article of clothing into the same load of laundry

  • Refusing to buy new socks or underwear

  • Constantly repeating lines from our favorite movies in everyday conversation

  • Thinking you’re really good at poker… then losing 200 bucks

  • Forgetting your anniversary and/or your wife’s birthday

  • Teaching your kid to burp the alphabet

  • Wearing everything you eat

  • Leaving the toilet seat up

  • Turning shirts inside out so they can be worn again

  • Thinking all greens or blues match each other in picking out clothes

TODAY IS ALSO…

Baby Boomer’s Recognition Day
HVAC Technicians Day
Global Smurfs Day
National Eat At A Food Truck Day
Stupid Guy Thing Day
Ugliest Dog Day

Take Your Dog to Work Day
World Rainforest Day
Worldwide VW Beetle Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, JUNE 23

ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day
Great American Backyard Campout
International Widows’ Day
Let It Go Day
National Hydration Day
Pink Flamingo Day (Lawn Ornaments)
Public Service Day
Runner’s Selfie Day
SAT Math Day
Typing Day

SUNDAY, JUNE 24

America’s Kids Day
Celebration of the Senses
Descendants Day
International Fairy Day or Faerie Day
Log Cabin Day
Stonewall National Monument Day

MONDAY, JUNE 25

Color TV Day (CBS)
Day of The Seafarer
Global Beatles Day
Leon Day
National Catfish Day
Please Take My Children To Work Day

TUESDAY, JUNE 26

Harry Potter Day
International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking
International Day in Support of Victims of Torture
National Canoe Day
National Columnists Day
Same Sex Marriage Day

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27

Decide To Be Married Day
“Happy Birthday To You” Day
Industrial Workers of The World Day
Micro-, Small-, And Medium-Sized Enterprises Day
National HIV Testing Day
National Parchment Cooking Day
National Sunglasses Day
PTSD Awareness Day
Windjammer Day

THURSDAY, JUNE 28

International Body Piercing Day
Tau Day
National Bomb Pop Day
National Hand Shake Day
Ryan Moran Day

FRIDAY, JUNE 29

Drive Your Corvette to Work Day
World Scleroderma Day

SATURDAY, JUNE 30

Asteroid Day
California Avocado Day
National Haskap Berry Day
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
National Meteor Watch Day
NOW (National Organization For Women) Day
Social Media Day

SUNDAY, JULY 01

Canada Day
Estee Lauder Day
Fast of Tammuz
Hop A Park Day
National GSA Employee Day
National Postal Workers Day
Resolution Renewal Day
Second Half of The Year Day
U.S. Postage Stamp Day
Zip Code Day

MONDAY, JULY 02

I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
Second Half of The Year Day
World UFO Day

ON THIS DAY

1775: The first Continental currency was authorized. ***There were no volunteers to appear on the $3 bill.

1815: Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. ***I wasn’t aware that Napoleon ever visited Iowa, much less battled within it.

1847: The doughnut was created. ***So if you saw a cop genuflecting today, now you know why. 

1868: Arkansas became a state for the second time. ***So far, the second marriage appears to be working.

1882: The Air-Conditioned Rocking Chair was patented. It had a propeller fan mounted overhead that was turned by the chair’s motion. The faster you rocked, the faster the fan turned.

1937: Joe Louis, the Brown Bomber, knocked out Jim Braddock in the 8th round of a boxing match in Chicago to become the world heavyweight champion.

1938: Joe Louis knocked out Germany’s Max Schmeling in the first round, in a bout at Yankee Stadium.

1959: “The Battle of New Orleans” by Johnny Horton started week number four of six at the top of the nation’s music charts. It was Horton’s only number one record and million-seller. From Tyler, Texas, Johnny married Billie Jean Jones, Hank Williams’ widow. And just like Hank, Johnny was killed in a car crash after a show at the Skyline in Austin.

1959: Eddie Lubanski rolled 24 consecutive strikes – two perfect games back-to-back – in a bowling tournament in Miami, Florida. ***Which did absolutely nothing to remedy his label of “bachelor”.

1961: In Hamburg, Germany, the Beatles recorded “When the Saints Go Marching In,” “Why,” “Ain’t She Sweet,” “Nobody’s Child,” “My Bonnie,” and “Cry For A Shadow.”

1970: President Nixon signed a measure lowering the U.S. voting age from 21 to 18. ***That way millions of Americans could start not voting even earlier.

1981: After exhibiting poor sportsmanship, America’s John McEnroe became the only man in 104 years at Wimbledon not be made an honorary member of the All England Tennis Club. He won the tournament.

1982: Prince Charles and Princess Di took Prince William home from the hospital.

1984: The movie “The Karate Kid,” starring Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita, opened in American theaters. ***Convincing every 10-year-old kid in the world that he could be as tough as he wanted by looking stupid and acting like a crippled bird on one leg. (audio clip)

1985: People magazine reported 44 confirmed dead in Sylvester Stallone’s latest movie, Rambo. An undetermined number also died in the film’s 70 explosions. (audio clip)

1988: A Stradivarius cello made in Cremona, Italy, in 1698 sold at auction in London for $1.2-million.

1990: Billy Joel became the first rock artist to perform at New York City’s Yankee Stadium.

1990: The last-place Atlanta Braves fired manager Russ Nixon and replaced him with general manager Bobby Cox, who last managed Toronto in 1985. Cox led the Braves to a dramatic worst-to-first turnaround, the first of its kind in National League history. But the Braves lost the World Series to another resurgent team, the Minnesota Twins. Cox was name Manager of the Year by the Associated Press.

1991: The Nude Olym-picks in Darlington, Maryland, included nude skydiving.

2002: A Spanish aristocrat became the first person to cross the Atlantic by jet ski. Alvaro De Marichalar landed on Miami beach four months after setting off from Rome, spending 12 hours a day on the water and sleeping on a support boat. He told the Miami Herald the hardest part was the cold weather and 18-foot waves. He celebrated in Miami by reciting the Lord’s Prayer.

2003: The mayor of Torredonjimeno, Spain, declared Thursdays “Ladies Night” and threatened to fine any man found strolling about town in the evening, in an attempt to encourage them to stay at home and do the chores. Ladies in the town of 14,000 were thrilled, men were not.

2008: Gus, a Chinese Crested, beat out 11 other contestants to be named World’s Ugliest Dog at a contest at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, California. Gus was missing a leg, an eye and its fur, but he got two trophies and $1,600, the prize for the contest. His masters said they’d use the prize money for radiation treatments. Gus was fighting skin cancer, which caused him to lose his leg and fur. He lost the eye in a scuffle with a tomcat.

2012: Frequent presidential candidate Ron Paul had admitted he’s on Social Security, even though he believes the program is unconstitutional. ***“So vote for me and I pledge that – unlike me – you WON’T get a check when you retire!”

2014: Pet cemeteries in New York state were considering adding people to the mix following the adoption of a regulation that made it legal for pet owners to be buried with their deceased animals. ***Years from now, archeologists will be finding coffins containing one big skeleton, one little skeleton, and a flea tick collar.

2014: An allegedly intoxicated mom was in trouble after driving with six kids on the trunk of her Chevy Malibu in Crowley, Texas. Kisha Young was charged with DUI after the kids – then ages 8 to 14 – fell from the car as Young drove them home from a neighborhood pool. The kids were on the back of the car, because Young apparently didn’t want their wet bathing suits to mess up her interior. When Young took a corner too fast, the children slipped from the trunk and were flung into the road. Witnesses said she didn’t seem to notice what had happened until she got to the end of the block. Then she turned around and drove back to the accident site. ***What, she’s never heard of putting the kids IN the trunk? I mean, hasn’t she ever been to a drive-in movie? 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

431: The Third Ecumenical Council opens in Ephesus to condemn Nestorianism, which holds that Christ was two separate persons rather than one person with two natures.

1559: In England, Queen Elizabeth’s Prayer Book was issued. During her 45-year reign, Elizabeth I rejected the Catholic faith, adopting instead the Thirty-Nine Articles of the Anglican Church.

 

1714: Matthew Henry, English Presbyterian pastor and Bible commentator, dies. His work is still published as Matthew Henry’s Commentary.

1745: Colonial missionary to the American Indians David Brainerd wrote in his journal: “I am often weary of this world, and want to leave it on that account; but it is more desirable to be drawn, rather than driven out of it.”

 

1750: Clergyman Jonathan Edwards was dismissed from his Congregational pulpit in Northampton, MA, after serving there 23 years. Maintaining his ultra- conservative theology, Edwards had grown to become administratively too inflexible for his congregation.

 

1865: The society known today as the Palestine Exploration Fund (PEF) was first organized. Its purpose is to provide information about the archaeology, the history and the people of the Holy Land.

 

1870: Scholars began translation work on the English Revised Version of the Bible. Released in 1881, the ERV became the textual basis for the American Standard Version (ASV), first published in the United States in 1901.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Scrubs”) Donald Faison, 44

  • Actress (“Judging Amy”, “NYPD Blue”, Daybreak, HEAT) Amy Brenneman, 54 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Alex’s girlfriend in “Family Ties” – she later married Michael J. Fox in real life) Tracy Pollan, 58 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Snow Dogs, Dances With Wolves, Maverick) Graham Greene, 66

  • Actress (“The Bionic Woman”) Lindsay Wagner, 69 (audio clip)

  • Actor (“Laverne & Shirley’s” Squiggy) David L. Lander, 71 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Death Becomes Her, Oscars for Sophie’s Choice and Kramer vs. Kramer) Meryl Streep, 73

  • Actor/singer/songwriter (The Blade movies, Where The Red Fern Grows, Planet of the Apes) Kris Kristofferson, 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1830 : Theodor Leschetizky

1913 : Dotty Todd

1936 : Kris Kristofferson

1943 : Jimmy Castor

1944 : Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon)

1947 : Howard Kaylan (The Turtles, Mothers Of Invention, Flo & Eddie)

1948 : Todd Rundgren

1949 : Alan Osmond (The Osmonds)

1953 : Cindy Lauper

1956 : Derek Forbes (Simple Minds)

1957 : Gary Beers (INXS)

1959 : Alan Anton (Cowboy Junkies)

1961 : Jimmy Somerville (The Bronski Beat)

1964 : Mike Edwards (Jesus Jones)

1970 : Steven Page (Barenaked Ladies)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why don’t our palms get sunburned at the beach?

Think about how you hold your palms. When you walk down the street on a sunny day your arms are usually at your side, palms facing your body. The sun can’t get at them. Even if you’re lying on the beach unprotected, daring skin cancer to take its best shot, your palms are safe. If you’re on your back, your arms are at your side, palms face down. Lying on your stomach, you probably keep your arms folded in front of you, palms down. For double protection, the skin on your palms is thicker than everywhere else but on the soles of your feet, with more dead cells at the surface to keep out ultraviolet rays.

NEWS KICKERS

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The Sherlock team are reuniting on a new version of the classic horror story Dracula. They’ll begin work on a series of BBC specials based on the classic 1897 novel by Bram Stoker in which the bloodthirsty count moves from Transylvania to England. It’ll come to TV in 2019. ***Come to think of it, Benedict Cumberbatch would be great for that too.

Starbucks is going to close over 100 stores next year. They’re going to start by closing the Starbucks stores that are located inside Starbucks stores.  Then they’ll begin closing the Starbucks stores directly across the street from Starbucks.

There’s was a billboard up in Texas that says: “Liberals-Please continue on I-40 until you have left our great state of Texas!” Public outcry made them take it down.  ***Which is to be expected, because liberals can dish out the jokes – but they can’t take them.

Sears is experimenting with a store in New York, where they’re creating a K-Mart section within the Sears store.  ***Brilliant – now you can have one failing store inside another failing store so they won’t be lonely as they fail together!

The Post Office began selling the first scratch ‘n stiff postage stamps this week. ***<Sniff> This one smells like a sweat-soaked postal carrier!

The world’s oldest orangutan living at the Perth Zoo in Australia has died at the age of 62.  ***It’s not known if Clint Eastwood will be giving the eulogy.

(CAREFUL!) Two Akron, Ohio, firefighters are being charged with making porn movies in their fire station.  ***Feel free to make your own hose joke.

British pop star Zayn Malik says he has been startled by the welcoming spirit of the United States and might even consider running for office in his new home. ***Because of course he will.  I guess we just need to accept the fact that the option of voting for people qualified to be in office is never going to happen ever again.

American Idol’s Scott McCready has married his high school sweetheart.  ***Her name?  Uh… ummm… Mrs. McCready.

Yes, that’s Chris Pratt, who appears to be dating Arnold’s daughter, Katherine Schwarzenegger.  ***I had no idea there was even a person named Katherine Schwarzenegger.  Can you imagine the talks Arnold had with her dates about treating her right and getting her home on time?  “Listen to me if you want to live…”

Oprah is now one of the 500 richest people in the world.  ***So we were wrong… apparently you CAN make a ton of money owning a cable channel nobody watches!

Amazon’s Jeff Bezo’s is worth almost $142 trillion. $50 billion more than Bill Gates.  ***It makes you wonder how Bill Gates can live on such a paltry income!

A poll done for the Daily Beast found that Kim Jong un was actually more popular than Nancy Pelosi.  ***That sounds insane, but Kim didn’t say “We have to sign the peace agreement in order to find out what’s in it.”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

The University of Vermont is offering a course on the science of marijuana. ***The only problem is that most people who are interested in taking the class are also the ones with attendance problems.

According to a recent study, more than 8,000 devices are left at seven of the largest airports in the United States, including: Chicago O’Hare, Denver International, San Francisco International, Charlotte Douglas, Miami International, Orlando International and Minneapolis/St. Paul. Every year we’re leaving behind thousands of laptops, iPads, phones, and USB keys. ***So if you can’t afford to shop at BestBuy, now you know where to go.

If you’re looking to get the most out of your regular workout, then head outdoors. New research has found that any exercise will help deal with stress, but working out in natural environments is much better for your mental health than working out in a gym. ***Right. Because I feel SO much better when I’m sweating in the humidity while getting a sunburn and swatting away mosquitoes.

A recent study shows that sitting too much may increase the risk of disability in older Americans. ***This is awkward – bad news that you can’t break to someone by saying “you’d better sit down”.

Spending hours playing violent video games stunts teenagers’ emotional growth, a study has found. It is thought that regular exposure to violence and lack of contact with the outside world makes it harder for them to tell right from wrong. They also struggle to trust other people, and see the world from their perspective. Researchers from Brock University in Ontario found that those who spend more than three hours each day in front of the screen are particularly unlikely to have developed the ability to empathize. ***So if you get attacked by a horde of zombies and your entire family is bitten and transform into the undead and they are all chasing after you to eat your brains – don’t complain to a teenager, they’re not going to care.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was so obsessed with finding a place on earth that had not even heard of his arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, that he had Jean Claude the flying squirrel fly him to Siberia. Unfortunately, Steve Mozart is huge there… so off they fly again to places unknown…

CLOSE: All of that flying around the world for nothing! Millard is never going to get away from Steve Mozart. Now that he’s come to that realization, will he also give up trying to be better than Mozart, or will he finally discover a way to beat him at something… anything? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How fast can you run?  One man tried to run 100mph! How did he do…?

A Paw Paw, Michigan man became lost in the Calhoun County countryside – and his car became stuck in the mud of a field driveway.  The man, whose name is unknown and shall be heretofore referred to as the inDUHvidual, tried to push his car out of the mud but realized he couldn’t be in two places at once. So he weighted the accelerator down with a metal tool box and then proceeded to push on the back of his rear-wheel-drive car.  Well, the plan worked, for the car took off and eventually reached a speed exceeding 100 miles per hour across a muddy cut bean field.  And here’s where our inDUHvidual committed a second Moment of Duh… he gave chase.  The car became airborne at a couple of places, so we can only imagine the guy trying to run 100 miles an hour and attain enough speed to take off.  The car eventually came to a stop by running into a tree.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN CAR ADS… TRANSLATED

10.One careful owner – But the other nine were clumsy as anything

9. 10,000 trouble-free miles – crashed in the last 20 feet

8. Heated rear window – so you don’t get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter

7. Very clean – only washed if and when it rains

6. Lady owner – the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics

5. Clean interior – all the rubbish is under the floormats

4. Immobiliser – the gear shift comes off in your hand

3. Anti-theft device – I can let you have a rottweiler cheap

2. Drives beautifully – in a straight line; the steering is all over the place

1. Low mileage – the odometer is on its third time around

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A tip for would-be drug kingpins…

FILE #1: …you may want to consider a different profession if your father is the local sheriff. Bobby Hopper, the sheriff in Fulton County, Kentucky, recently arrested Robert Hopper Jr. after allegedly finding him making methamphetamine. If the names sound similar, you’re right. They are father and son and it was Junior’s second arrest by his father on meth-related charges in a month.  I’m sure it was a very pleasant Father’s Day for this family.

FILE #2: 28-year-old Albert Hoffmueller had the tables turned on him when he tried to rob a taxi driver in Germany. The cabbie reversed roles and in fact held up Albert, taking his wallet instead. Amazingly Albert called the police who then found the cab and driver at the dispatch headquarters. The driver still had Albert’s wallet but then explained the situation to police and said he only kept it for the purposes of identifying the crook. Al’s wallet was returned to him and no charges will be pressed against the driver.

FILE #3: What would you do if you found out your bank mistakenly put more than $6 million into your account? The answer one New Zealand couple came up with has made them the object of a police search. Authorities say they’ve gone on the run, after realizing the bank made a huge error in their favor. The couple runs a gas station and applied to their bank for a $6,000 overdraft – only to get 1,000 times that put into their account. They withdrew a chunk of the money and haven’t been seen since. Not a good idea. Authorities consider the use of the money theft and say it’s only a matter of time before they get caught.

STRANGE LAW: If your summer travels take you through Delcambre, Louisiana, don’t even think about wearing baggy pants that fall so low below the waist that your underwear is exposed. Why? You’ll be arrested. The penalty is up to six months in jail or a $500 fine.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Usually when you hear someone say “like mother, like daughter” it’s not a compliment. Same applies here.

Leanne Black, who at 12 years of age gained notoriety in Britain a couple of years ago when she became that country’s youngest drunk driver, has gotten her face plastered over newspapers again.  Now 14, Leanne was hauled into court again on new DUI charges.  However, Leann came prepared.  Not with a lawyer, but with a box of eggs, which she used to pelt reporters covering the trial. Later in court, Leanne was branded a “vicious little cow” by neighbors and screamed when she was told she would be jailed.  At that point she punched the prosecutor in the back, threw a jug of water over the magistrates and their clerk, kicked furniture over as she sprinted around cowering probation officers.  She proceeded to sweep the tables of their contents and yell abuse at court officials before she was dragged off.  Outside the court, Leanne’s mom mooned photographers, and then said of her daughter, “I’m proud of her.”

PHONER PHUN

Today is STUPID GUY THING DAY, a day for women to make a list of stupid guy things and pass it on. Here are just a few…

  • TiVo-ing “World’s Wildest Police Videos”

  • Throwing every article of clothing into the same load of laundry

  • Refusing to buy new socks or underwear

  • Constantly repeating lines from our favorite movies in everyday conversation

  • Thinking you’re really good at poker… then losing 200 bucks

  • Forgetting your anniversary and/or your wife’s birthday

  • Teaching your kid to burp the alphabet

  • Wearing everything you eat

  • Leaving the toilet seat up

  • Turning shirts inside out so they can be worn again

  • Thinking all greens or blues match each other in picking out clothes

***PHONER: HAVE YOUR LISTENERS ADD TO THE LIST!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: A confederacy of kings was formed by Adoni-zedec, who was the king of what city?

ANSWER: Jerusalem (Joshua 10:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is so unique about the flag of the Philippines?

ANSWER: The flag of the Philippines is the only national flag that is flown differently during times of peace or war. A portion of the flag is blue, while the other is red. The blue portion is flown on top in time of peace and the red portion is flown in war time.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Andy Griffith Show was a spin-off show. (True. It was the first spin-off in TV history. It was a spin-off of the Danny Thomas Show.)

2. Humans are the only primates that can have blue eyes. (False – black lemurs can too.)

3. Over 50% of the weddings in the U.S. occur in the afternoon. (True)

4. An ear of corn is more than 60% water. (False – 80%)

5. There were 57 countries involved in World War II. (True)

6. A phonophobe fears telephones. (False – they fear noise.0

7. Shredded Wheat was the first ready-to-eat breakfast cereal. (True)

8. You are most likely to lose your hearing than any of the other senses if you are hit by lightning. (True)

9. The price of the first TV Guide was 5 cents. (False – 15 cents)

10. The Hershey chocolate bar was used overseas during World War II as currency. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ BANNED IN NEW JERSEY (HUGGING)

TRENTON, NJ –  Chris Christie has followed the Matawan-Aberdeen Middle School, and has banned hugging anywhere in New Jersey.

“We are a no hugging state,”  Governor Chris Christie reportedly told reporters yesterday.  “If  we catch anyone hugging it will be a $100 fine for the first offense, $250 or the second offense and $1,000 for the third.  After that, it’s jail.”

Christie got the idea from Matawan school district that decided that middle school children shouldn’t hug each other.  “It’s not normal or natural,” said school superintendent John Jacobus.  “If kids hug, then the next thing you know there having babies and we can’t have that happen in our school.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Three old men were sitting around, playing cards, and talking about ways to stay fit. The oldest guy boasted that, at 70, he had the body of a 30-year-old, thanks to a strict daily regimen he had followed for the past three decades.

“Yessir,” said the old guy. “Up at five a.m. sharp every morning, right into the shower, then a quick, healthy breakfast — and plain food at that; nothing fancy. Then I work hard all morning, exercise for a full hour, have a simple lunch, then go back to work. After dinner, I take a long walk — just up and down my own hallway, really, since I can’t go out at night anymore, but I do walk, for nearly two hours steady, every evening. Then I go to bed nice and early, at exactly 9:00 — no ifs, ands, or buts. “And, most importantly,” finished the old guy, “I don’t drink, do drugs, or run around with women. And here I am, living proof of what a strict daily routine can do for you.”

“Uh, Mike,” said one of his buddies. “We’ve all been following that same ‘strict daily routine’ too… ever since the day we were all remanded to Leavenworth Prison.”

JOKE #2

Scott was working at a lumberyard pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all four of his fingers. He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the doctor took a look and said, “Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I haven’t got the fingers.” Scott replied.

The doctor said, “What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We’ve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?”

“Well, think about it, Doc! I tried, but I couldn’t pick ’em up.”

JOKE #3

Sometimes the funniest things happen right in the middle of your own church service. Last Sunday our pastor had a more patriotic sermon, talking about God and country. He started by saying, “We live in a great country. One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.” At that moment one of the kids in the church piped up, “I’m not free. I’m four.”

USELESS FACTS

A new study finds that Americans are more likely to eat vegetables if the vegetables have “appealing” names. ***Like, instead of “broccoli,” they could call it “NOT broccoli!”

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego. ***Liberal indoctrination though is still perfectly acceptable.

FEATURED FUNNIES

As you know, last Sunday was Father’s Day. I went over to my dad’s place early Sunday afternoon for dinner, and then after dinner we ran out to Men’s Foot Locker because he needed some new sneakers.  We were near the mall anyway, so it wasn’t any big deal.  So we stop in, Robin (my bride) and I take a seat because who knows HOW long it might take to get someone to take care of you on Father’s Day at the mall.  Fortunately, it didn’t take very long… the sales guy walks up and starts talking to Dad. Dad tells him what he wants the guy goes back and gets the shoes for Dad to try on.

“How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.

“Well … they feel a bit tight,” my Dad said.

So the sales guy bends down and has a look at the shoes my Dad has tried on and says, “try pulling out on the tongue.”

My dad sticks out his tongue, grabs it and says, “Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

STOP FOR DIRECTIONS!

Imagine having major heart surgery, and then, while being rushed to a different hospital, your ambulance driver gets lost!

A Scottish patient, recovering from major heart surgery, and who was being transported between hospitals, didn’t arrive at the other hospital FOR FOUR HOURS because the ambulance driver had become hopelessly lost. The ambulance only arrived, finally, at the correct hospital when the recovering patient became aware that the ambulance was heading in the wrong direction and guided the driver to the correct hospital. All in all, the ambulance traveled more than 200 miles.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

When the queen of Sheba heard of Solomon’s reputation, which brought honor to the name of the Lord, she came to test him with hard questions.” 1 Kings 10:1

Money does not satisfy. Had it satisfied the queen of Sheba, she never would have traveled for hundreds of miles over ancient roads and deserts just to hear the words of God from Solomon. The human heart craves more than money. It craves answers to life’s purpose and longs to see the wisdom and power of God. Simon was willing to pay money to obtain the power of laying hands on people to receive the Holy Spirit (Acts 8:18-19). The treasurer for Candace, the queen of Ethiopia, was more interested in knowing whom Isaiah was describing than he was in acquiring all the wealth of which he was steward (v. 34). Even Solomon with his hundreds of talents of gold per year was not satisfied with worldly wealth, and his wandering, searching heart thus delved into idolatry. Don’t let the devil dangle riches before your eyes, telling you that money will fulfill you. Those who have handled vast sums of it will tell you otherwise. Use money as a tool to evangelize the world, and enjoy the free riches of the Kingdom of God!
By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Today’s Drive Time Devotional concentrates on Psalm 34:8… with a side of fries.

When I’m driving a lengthy distance and need a quick pick-me-up, I’ll often stop at McDonald’s for an order of French fries. When they’re fresh and hot, nothing tastes better. In fact, now that I think about it, I get fries almost every time I go to McDonald’s.

When McDonald’s began, founder Ray Kroc insisted that his French fries be made only from russet potatoes, and that they be made from scratch every day. The wonderful taste of the fries came from the cooking oil–93 percent beef tallow and 7 percent cottonseed oil. All of the restaurants used the same formula, and people everywhere praised–and ate–literally tons of their fries.

But when McDonald’s kept growing, changes had to be made. Frozen French fries are now made in huge plants and shipped to the restaurants. Chemists and technicians worked long and hard to produce an artificial flavor that matched the original.

Today, manufacturing artificial flavors and odors for food is a major industry in the United States. And it isn’t limited to fries. Everything from snack foods to cereal to grape Kool-Aid has one of these little statements in the list of ingredients: “artificial flavoring added” or “natural flavor added.” I really don’t care as long as the taste is right.

But there is something that cannot be duplicated artificially: our relationship with Christ. True, all kinds of substitutes have emerged, from elaborate systems of good works to Eastern mysticism. But these alternatives do not “taste” the same as a genuine personal relationship with the living Christ. He is “the real thing,” for He fully satisfies the thirst for God in every human heart. The psalmist put it this way: “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Psalm 34:8).

Tired of poor substitutes? Turn to Jesus Christ. Trust in Him as your Savior. He will meet the needs of your heart.

LEFTOVERS

PRETTY IN PINK

People often paint their bedrooms their favorite colors… that’s understandable. But you spend more time at work normally, than you do in your bedroom, so why not paint your work area your favorite color?

That’s exactly what a Cleveland Ohio man has done. Oh, by the way, did I mention that he owns a gas station? Yup, he painted his entire gas station PINK! Crazy? Perhaps. But there is a pretty nifty side-effect to his bizarre paint job… increased business! He used to sell only 800 gallons of gasoline per day, now he’s selling close to 4,000. ***MARLAR: His gas station may not look “pretty in pink”, but it sure looks good in the black from making the green!

LIFE… LIVE IT

E-MAIL OBSESSED CITIES

According to an AOL survey, our love affair with e-mail may be a tad out of control. The survey found that New Yorkers are No. 1 in the country when it comes to being addicted to e-mail. While 46% of the nation is hooked on e-mail, 55% of New Yorkers are. The average New Yorker has 2.7 email accounts and checked their personal e-mail four times a day. The five most e-mail addicted cities are:

1. New York

2. Houston

3. Chicago

4. Detroit

5. San Francisco

WHERE DO YOU CHECK YOUR EMAIL?

The survey also found:

67% check their e-mail in bed

59% check their e-mail in the bathroom

50% check it while driving

39% check their e-mail at a bar

25% while on a date

15% in church

JUST FOR FUN

HOW MANY IS TOO MANY

Ever known anyone with more than one middle name? How about someone with two first names? How about twelve?

Most of us have three names: a first, middle, and last. But how many could you have? That was the question a German court ruled on recently. A woman had applied to a regional court to give her son 12 names – but the court restricted her to three first names. The Supreme Court later overruled the lower court and said she could have four first names for her son and set a maximum on five first names. In Germany local registrars have the authority to reject names considered improper or liable to subject the child to public ridicule. She wanted to name her child, Chenekwahow Migiskau Nikapi-Hun-Nizeo Alessandro Majim Chayara Inti Ernesto Prithibi Kioma Pathar Henriko. She wanted the names to reflect different lands, cultures and religions and show the child there should not be “boundaries in the heart of humans.” ***MARLAR: You have to feel sorry for this kid when his parents get angry. How much trouble are you in when you have twelve names and your parents use every single one of them to call you into the other room?

FUN LIST

GIFTS DAD REALLY WANTED BUT DIDN’T GET FOR FATHER’S DAY

  • a giant “No Whining Zone” poster

  • a solemn promise to accept “we’ll see” as an acceptable answer to any request.

  • Remote controlled Bar-B-Q grill

  • Satellite Dish for the car

  • A cell phone option that only allows daughters to make calls in emergencies

  • The ability to truly understand the concept of the need for women to shop

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

My bride had me go out earlier today to pick up bread and milk at the grocery store. 
So I get there, pick up the stuff, and while I’m in the checkout lane there’s this woman in front of me paying and is having difficulty finding her change purse. She started pulling everything out of her purse: make up, her garage door opener, her checkbook, a small toy action figure, you name it she had it. And then, she took out a television remote control! 
The cashier was just as surprised as I was, because she asked the lady, “Do you always carry your TV remote control around?” 
The lady said, “Oh, no. But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was a great way to get even.” 
Who knew going grocery shopping could be so entertaining?!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

(PERENNIAL) Don’t keep your cool in the summer by drinking from your garden hose. It develops dangerous levels of toxic chemicals in heat. Ann Arbor, Michigan. Ecology Center researchers found high amounts of lead, industrial chemicals and toxic BPA in all of the 90 new hoses they left in the sun for only a few days. Even though your risk is reduced by running the hose for several seconds before you sip and by storing it in the shades, it’s best not to drink from it at all.

Some guys get so caught up in what they are watching on TV that they will develop something like a blood clot. An 18-year Japanese study found that the more time people spent in front of the flat-screen, the greater their risk of flat-lining with a pulmonary embolism. The reason? You guessed it: the potato position. Sitting for too long can cause blood clots in your legs, which may then travel to your lungs, says study author Toru Shirakawa, M.D. Ph.D. (Men’s Health)

If you want to feel full when dinner is over, make sure there are legumes, such as beans and peas, on your plate. Danish researchers have concluded that beans satiate far better than meat. The study led by Anne Raben, a professor in the department of nutrition, exercise and sports at the University of Copenhagen in Denmark, recruited 43 men and served them three different protein-rich meals where the centerpiece was a patty made of beans and peas or veal or pork. The vegetable patties were so much more filling than either of the meat patties that the men who ate them consumed 12 percent fewer calories at their next meal, suggesting that legumes may help with weight loss. Why? The protein-rich meal composed of legumes contained significantly more fiber than the equally protein-rich meal of pork and veal and that is likely what contributed to the increased feeling of satiety.

When you tell a lie, your brain balks. Tell another one, and your brain handles it better. The more lies you tell, the more sensitized your brain becomes to your self-serving and dishonest behavior, leaving your conscience speechless. That’s the word from researchers at University College London, who have determined that once we engage in dishonest behavior, such behavior only escalates. During a study, as incentives were added for dishonesty, people’s dishonesty escalated. The brain scans showed that the amygdala, the part of the brain that is wired for emotions, had a marked reduction in activity in response to the lies a person told as the trials progressed. In fact, the British researchers found that the amount of the reduction in the amygdala’s activity for each trial could actually predict the amount the participant’s dishonesty would increase in the next trial. That is, the greater the fall in amygdala activity during one trial, the bigger the lie would be the next time.

Skimping on sleep may help you to be more productive — or finish that book you just can’t put down — but the long-term effect of sleep deprivation is daunting: It could put you at a greater risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease. HealthDay News reports that the body appears to use the brain’s downtime during sleep to sweep away disease-related material. But if you’re not sleeping enough, it can derail this process. Researchers from Washington University in St. Louis note that while their finding is preliminary, it could suggest a link between sleep deprivation and the risk of developing the fatal, brain-robbing disease.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I feel so vibrant and creative I may just stop by the yogurt shop on the way home and go crazy with the sprinkles.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JUNE 22, 2018…

Damsel—It is the wild West and Robert Pattison is trying to find his girlfriend (Mia Wasikowska). Does this look familiar? See “Under The Silver Lake.” Anyone on the West Coast checking script content lately? “Damsel” is rated PG 13. No rating. 

Under The Silver Lake—Andrew Garfield wants a date with his neighbor and then she disappears.  What to do?  Does this look familiar?  See “Damsel.” Strange things happen in the summertime. Also in the cast are Riley Keough and Topher Grace. “Under The Silver Lake” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Boundaries—The word “boundaries” can mean many things from national countries to emotional limits.  In this movie, well, Grandpa is kicked out of his retirement home because he sells weed, the son (grandson) draws questionable pictures and Mom (Vera Farmiga) has just about had it with everyone. Then, comes the road trip. I’m sure you had had your share, too, and I remember the time crossing the Alps in July with four adults in a small VW and the much-older driver had never driven in snow before. Yes, there was a blizzard that day, too. We were caught in a tunnel and each car had a five minute delay before leaving the tunnel and heading downhill—in our case, it was mostly sideways. At the end of the day, it really was “Thank you, Lord.”  So, in “Boundaries,” the cast has their problems, too, and others in the film are Kristen Schaal and Lewis MacDougall.  “Boundaries” is rated PG-13. Rating of 2.

JUNE 29, 2018…

Sicario: Day Of The Soldado continues the story of Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) from “Sicario” and what happens next as he goes against drug cartels.

Leave No Trace concerns a father and daughter who try to live by themselves. Stars Ben Foster.

Uncle Drew has Kyrie Irving portraying an aging sports legend who wants to do the game again.

Woman Walks Ahead has an American portrait painter who wants to do Chief Sitting Bull. Stars Jessica Chastain.

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