June 23, 2015: Tuesday ONAIRprep

FREE TO AIR ON YOUR RADIO STATION OR WEBCAST (Send me an email to sign up!)
***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION:20150623

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)… hosted by (JOCK), produced by (JOCK), directed by (JOCK), catering by (JOCK), transportation by (JOCK). Heck, I even fixed the chair when it started squeaking.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask for him.” –Luke 11:13

 

The Lord will keep you from all harm — he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. — Psalm 121:7-8

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. — Proverbs 9:10

 

Thought: We look for wisdom in so many worthless and futile places. But ultimate wisdom is found only when we intentionally humble ourselves before our incredible God, giving him the reverence and worship he deserves.

 

Prayer: Magnificent and awesome God, the great expanse of space and the incredible intricacies of the things in your creation that are so small humble me to silence. Please forgive my lapses into ignorant arrogance and lead me in the way of your wisdom. In Jesus name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 6:23 NIV = For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 23, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 186 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is POOP OUT EARLY DAY, a day to fake complete exhaustion to leave early.  ***MARLAR: I guess it’d be a bit obvious if I were to suddenly get sleepy now that we’ve publicized this, eh?

 

Today is LET IT GO DAY. Whatever is bugging you, let it go.  ***MARLAR: I don’t know… I’m kinda bugged at the fact that I’m pooped but can’t go home yet.

 

Today is NATIONAL PIZZAZZ DAY. Add a little pizzazz to your life today.  ***MARLAR: Are they KIDDING?!?!  I’m too pooped to pizzazz!  Can I go home now?

 

Today is NATIONAL PECAN SANDY DAY. ***MARLAR: I don’t know why, but ever time I hear the word “Sandy” I immediately think of Sandy Duncan. And I’m really in the mood for a Wheat Thin.

 

Today is MORTICIANS APPRECIATION DAY. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.  ***MARLAR: And now for the top pet peeves of morticians…

  • Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but to you it just means overtime.
  • You’re the best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
  • Nobody visits your booth at junior high “career days.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Widows’ Day

Let It Go Day

National Columnists’ Day

Pink Flamingo Day

Public Service Day

Runner’s Selfie Day

SAT Math Day

Windjammer Days (23-24)

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24

Celebration of the Senses

International Fairy Day or Faerie Day

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 25

Color TV Day (CBS)

Day of the Seafarer

Global Beatles Day

National Bomb Pop Day

National Catfish Day

National Hand Shake Day

 

FRIDAY, JUNE 26

Drive Your Corvette to Work Day

International Day Against Drug Abuse And Illicit Trafficking

International Day in Support of Victims of Torture

National Canoe Day

Take Your Dog To Work Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 27

Decide To Be Married Day

“Happy Birthday To You” Day

Industrial Workers of The World Day

National HIV Testing Day

PTSD Awareness Day

ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day

Great American Backyard Campout

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 28

International Body Piercing Day

America’s Kids Day

Log Cabin Day

Descendants Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 29

Please Take My Children To Work Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 30

Leap Second Time Adjustment Day

NOW (National Organization for Women) Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 01

Canada Day

National GSA Employee Day

Second Half of The Year Day

U.S. Postage Stamp Day

Zip Code Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1868: Christopher L. Sholes received a patent for his invention of the “Type-Writer.”

 

1956: “Transfusion” by Nervous Norvis hit #8 on the Billboard pop chart. Shoot the juice to me, Bruce.

 

1965: Smokey Robinson & The Miracles released “Tracks of My Tears.”

 

1981: Pawtucket finally beat Rochester 3-2 in the 33rd inning of a game tat had resumed after it was suspended two months earlier at 4:07 in the morning. Pawtucket’s Wade Boggs went 4 for 12. Rochester’s Cal Ripken Jr. was 2 for 13.

 

1988: Billy Martin was fired for the 5th time as manager of the New York Yankees.

 

1990: Actor Gary Busey paid $242,000 for one of Buddy Holly’s guitars. Busey starred in The Buddy Holly Story.

 

1992: Actress Susan Lucci of TV’s “All My Children” received a standing ovation at the Daytime Emmy Awards when she did not win an Emmy after being nominated for the 13th straight year. (

)

 

1993: In Nipomo, California, 12-year-old, 4-feet-8 Rachael Forest drove her 2-year-old brother and 4-year-old sister to safety in the family Honda through a raging forest fire. Her mom had been teaching her to drive the stick-shift car “just in case there was an emergency.”

 

1994: Officers in Minot, North Dakota, broke up a fight between a husband and wife in the police station parking lot. Both spouses were armed with chainsaws.

 

1995: Walt Disney’s “Pocahontas” opened in movie theaters throughout the U.S.

 

1996: A survey revealed one in five British children was addicted to computer games.

 

1997: Levi Panovitch of Colorado Springs got his summons for jury duty. Levi was only three years old.

 

1999: When a bank robber demanded money in Oranienburg, Germany, the teller routinely asked to see some I.D. The 31-year-old robber not only produced his I.D. card, but forgot to get it back. Police arrested him a few hours later.

 

2002: In Tsu, Japan, a bank staff led an armed robber into its vault – then locked him inside. The man armed with a knife demanded cash from staff at the UFJ bank on Honshu island. Staff say they played along with his demand and led him to the vault. They kept the vault locked until police arrived.

 

2005: Film critic Roger Ebert received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

 

2005: Former Ku Klux Klansman Edgar Ray Killen was sentenced to 60 years in prison for the 1964 Mississippi slayings of three civil rights workers, 41 years after the crime.

 

2005: U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney said again in a TV interview that the Iraq insurgency was in its “last throes.”

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1683: English Quaker William Penn, an advocate of peace and religious toleration, signs a treaty with the American Indians of Pennsylvania. Voltaire said the agreement was the only treaty never sworn to and never broken.

 

1780: American troops, using hymnal pages from the First Presbyterian Church for gun wadding, stops the British advance on Springfield, New Jersey.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • football’s Ladanian Tomlinson 36
  • actress (Cruel Intentions, Hellboy, and TV show “Zoe” as the title character) Selma Blair 43
  • Actress (Fargo, City By The Sea) Frances McDormand, 58
  • “American Idol” judge Randy Jackson 59
  • Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas 67
  • Actor (“Dallas”, “Knots Landing”) Ted Shackelford, 70 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1929 : June Carter Cash

1937 : Niki Sullivan (The Crickets)

1940 : Stu Sutcliffe (The Beatles)

1940 : Adam Faith

1941 : Robert Hunter (Grateful Dead)

1944 : Rosetta Hightower (The Orlons)

1962 : Steve Shelley (Sonic Youth)

1977 : Jason Mraz

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do you “rack your brain” for an answer to something?
I know just what you’re thinking: “What might a torture instrument have in common with the origin of this expression?” Well I’ll tell you. Return with me now to the past. We’re in a medieval dungeon. The prisoner won’t confess, so the jailer has to use, er, persuasion. The interrogator chooses to make use of a device borrowed from leather tanners to stretch a hide: the rack. With wrists pulled one way and ankles the other, it’s a stretch to believe that the prisoner can go long without talking. Now back to your brain. When you “rack” it for something, you’re torturing it. You have ways of making it talk, and it WILL talk!

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Shane and Shane cover a lot of songs. In fact, they have created a whole ministry remaking worship songs for use in the local church. But the Shane’s said this week that they usually turn down requests to cover the Greek national anthem. They say there are a couple of reasons for their decision. The Greek anthem has 158 stanzas and they are not greek.

 

Jimmy Needham says the move he was doing on stage didn’t quite turn out like he planned. He tweeted: That time your doing an intricate loop performance on stage in front of 800 people and accidentally kick your power cable out of the socket.

 

Jamie Grace has some dedicated fans. One tweeted: When you’re on your way to a Jamie Grace concert and you run out of gas, you start walkin’!

 

Mercyme’s Barry Graul retweeted this thought over the weekend: It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?

 

A thought from Kutless member James Mead: I think we all need to stop saying that, “in the name of love” we’re not going to tell people they’re wrong. That is not love. Love does not let someone persist in destroying themselves.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Cat wins shelter’s Hero Dog award for saving kid from canine    photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — For the first time, a Los Angeles shelter’s Hero Dog award has gone to a cat. In May 2014, Tara the cat fought off a dog that attacked her 6-year-old owner as he rode his bicycle in the driveway of the family’s Bakersfield home. Tara body-slammed Scrappy, a chow-mix that…

 

Woman charged with killing boyfriend in canned food attack
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A Southern California woman has been charged with beating her boyfriend to death with canned food. Prosecutors on Thursday filed a murder charge against 59-year-old Linda Jackson of Lake Los Angeles. She was jailed. It’s unclear whether she had obtained an attorney….
Calico kitty ‘Bella’ named official cat of the Alamo    photo
SAN ANTONIO (AP) — The Alamo has a new official cat. The Texas General Land Office on Thursday announced the calico kitty has the formal title Miss Isabella Francisca Veramendi de Valero. But she goes by Bella. The General Land Office oversees the state-owned landmark in San Antonio. Bella…
Utah school creates ‘texting lane’ for phone-focused walkers    photo
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — One Utah university is giving students glued to their cellphones a place to call their own: a designated lane for texting while walking. The neon green lanes painted on the stairs to the gym at Utah Valley University were intended as a lighthearted way to brighten up the…
Police: Man drives himself to station, asks for DUI arrest
HOPKINSVILLE, Ky. (AP) — Authorities say a man drove under the influence of alcohol to a small-town Kentucky police station, where he requested that officers arrest him. The Kentucky New Era (http://bit.ly/1MNoFOI) reports that 26-year-old Christopher L. Stewart drove to Tuesday night to the…
Lost stuffed tiger goes on an adventure at Tampa airport
TAMPA, Fla. (AP) — When a 6-year-old boy left behind his favorite stuffed animal at Tampa International Airport, officials took the toy on an adventure. Owen Lake lost his stuffed tiger, Hobbes, earlier this month on his way to Houston. His mother, Amanda Lake, says she called the…
Not a fan: Official upset with rap video shot in courtroom
NEW CUMBERLAND, W.Va. (AP) — Guns, fatigues, and a violent crime: A rapper used a West Virginia courtroom to film his vigilante-themed music video, and that has disturbed one local official. Hancock County Commissioner Jeff Davis is not happy that the courtroom was used by a Weirton rapper…
Bank robber who stopped for biscuits gets state prison
GREENSBURG, Pa. (AP) — A man who was arrested for robbing a western Pennsylvania bank when he stopped to eat biscuits at a nearby restaurant will spend two to four years in prison. The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review (http://bit.ly/1K0lDr8) reports 32-year-old Shane Lindsey, of Arnold, was…
Massachusetts 6-year-old plays 100 holes of golf for charity
NORTON, Mass. (AP) — A 6-year-old Massachusetts boy has raised $25,000 for cancer research by playing 100 holes of golf in one day in memory of a classmate who died of the disease. Ryan McGuire, of Foxborough, completed the golf marathon Wednesday at MGA Links at Mamantapett, a par-3 course…
Ohio man pleads not guilty to accepting teen’s stolen cash
MEDINA, Ohio (AP) — A 70-year-old northeast Ohio man has pleaded not guilty to a charge of receiving stolen property for allegedly accepting cash from a 13-year-old boy accused of stealing $25,000 from his grandfather. The charge accuses the man of accepting less than $7,500. He pleaded not…
UK man sneaks marriage proposal into newspaper crossword    photo
LONDON (AP) — It’s a case of two down: the aisle. A crossword-loving British lawyer hid a marriage proposal in The Times newspaper’s daily puzzle. Matthew Dick thought of the cryptic way of popping the question to girlfriend Delyth Hughes and persuaded the newspaper to agree. Tuesday’s Times…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Report: Higher deficits, more uninsured if health law tossed    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Repealing President Barack Obama’s signature health care law would modestly increase the budget deficit, while the number of uninsured Americans would rise by more than 20 million, said a nonpartisan government study released Friday. The report from the Congressional Budget…

 

Suit asks insurance for disabled homeowners with pit bulls
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — People with disabilities shouldn’t be turned down for homeowners insurance just because they have pit bulls for service dogs, a federal court lawsuit filed in Oregon says. Undercover testers who told an insurance company they had disabilities and used pit bulls for…
Hawaii governor to sign first-of-kind state smoking age bill
HONOLULU (AP) — Hawaii’s governor plans to sign a bill that would make his state the first to raise the legal smoking age to 21. The measure aims to prevent adolescents from smoking, buying or possessing both traditional and electronic cigarettes. Gov. David Ige (EE’-gay) plans to sign it…
Utah inmate’s son sues after father misses dialysis, dies
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — The son of an inmate who died at the Utah state prison has sued corrections officials and health care providers, accusing them of violating his father’s civil rights by failing to give him dialysis for two days. Inmate Ramon C. Estrada died April 5 after two dialysis…
US doctors help Tanzanian children harmed in albino attacks    photo
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Five Tanzanian children attacked and robbed of limbs because they are albino are being outfitted with prosthetics at a Philadelphia hospital. The Philadelphia Inquirer reports that New York City-based Global Medical Relief Fund connected the children, ages 6 to 16, with…
Iowa court allows remote dispensing of abortion pill
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — The Iowa Supreme Court has struck down a restriction that would have prevented doctors from administering abortion-inducing pills remotely via video teleconferencing, saying it would have placed an undue burden on a woman’s right to get an abortion. Iowa is one of only…
House bill aims for less e-cigarette regulation    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — House Republicans are pushing to ease proposed government regulations for companies that sell e-cigarettes and other new tobacco products, a move that Democrats charge could lead to unsafe products on the market. A spending bill approved by a House subcommittee Thursday…
Medicare: House calls can help frail seniors and cut costs    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — An X-ray in the living room. A rapid blood test. A peek into pill bottles and refrigerators. The humble house call can accomplish a lot — and now research suggests that tailoring it to some of Medicare’s frailest patients can improve their care while cutting costs….
US agrees to pay millions for Agent Orange claims
WASHINGTON (AP) — Ending years of wait, the government agreed Thursday to provide disability benefits to as many as 2,100 Air Force reservists and active-duty forces exposed to Agent Orange residue on airplanes used in the Vietnam War. The new federal rule, approved by the White House Office…
House votes to kill health care law’s medical device tax    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The House defied a White House veto threat and voted Thursday to abolish a tax on medical device makers as a group of Democrats uncharacteristically joined Republicans in moving to kill part of President Barack Obama’s health care law. Thursday’s 280-140 House vote was…
UN-brokered Yemen peace talks end with no deal    photo
SANAA, Yemen (AP) — Yemen’s exiled government and Shiite rebels who control the capital failed to agree on even a temporary cease-fire Friday as they wrapped up U.N.-brokered talks aimed at ending a conflict that has killed over 1,000 civilians and displaced more than a million since March….

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A Georgia man says he was so angry after a recent phone call with his wife that he drove his truck through his house. John Paul Jones, Jr. says he’d been frustrated because he hadn’t been able to sell his home and fully intended to drive his truck from the backyard to the front yard by way of his living room. He adds that the incident was “just one of those spur of the moment crazy things.”  ***Is it any wonder this guy is having marital problems?

 

A miniature version of Y2K will take place on June 30. According to ABC News, an extra second will be added to the clock, creating the potential to wreak havoc on computer systems not equipped to handle the change. The extra second will be added at the end of June to account for a discrepancy between Earth’s rotation and the atomic clock. Amazon Web Services said it plans to “implement alternative solutions to avoid the leap second. When the last leap second was added on June 30, 2012, it caused issues with a number of websites, including Qantas, LinkedIn and Yelp.  *** Hey you’ve been asking for more time in your day – well, here you go.  An extra second, compliments of the universe.  You’re welcome.

 

Nikon created a custom case for one of its cameras that can be strapped around a dog to take photos from a dog’s-eye view. The case is connected to a heart-rate monitor strap, like the ones runners use to track their heartbeat. When the dog’s heart rate spikes, the case snaps a photo.  *** Good news – apparently we’re finally getting bored with HUMAN selfies.

 

Despite years of public health messages, barely one third of Americans use sunscreen regularly (according to the CDC). Researchers found that sunscreen is most often used by women on the skin of the face, and by people with higher household income.  ***And by soulless gingers known as redheads.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new study says that dogs would rather earn treats than be given handouts. ***Whereas cats vote Democrat.

 

Spending office hours staring at cute and cuddly animals could actually help boost your work performance. Researchers found university students who viewed images of baby animals, such as puppies and kittens, performed set tasks with greater time and care.  ***MARLAR: Although the undesired side-effect is that they would also have a tendency to talk in baby talk.  (Yes, they would… oh yes they would you cutie listener you… ooo, boo boo boo… you are so adorable – yes you are…)

 

Just 30 minutes after you scarf down a salty snack, clear changes can be seen in your arteries, a new study shows.   Researchers found that salt-laden foods quickly impair the ability of blood vessels to widen even in people with normal blood pressure, according to the study published in this month’s The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. ***MARLAR: With this new information, pretzels and potato chips will now come with a warning label saying they could kill you.

 

Are you suffering from feedback fatigue? Feedback fatigue is caused by too many email requests from companies asking you to rate their service. If you did any holiday shopping online, you’re likely getting bombarded.  ***MARLAR: Please LIKE this comment on Facebook while you’re at it too, would ya?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Chili Is Hot”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Country Crock”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Nozzles the Elephant had decided to begin writing down all of the tools Gruffy had never returned to him. But then Gruffy began writing all of the things Nozzles did wrong. That went on for a long time, and now Sully the Aardvark is at Nozzles’ house and they’re both thinking of things others do wrong… and writing them down…

 

CLOSE: How can so many friends keep telling each other their faults and yet still want to be in the same room together eating pizza? This is going to be one really messy pizza party unless somebody gets rid of that book! We’ll find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 27/28, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson has just arrived home from a very busy day at school, and he was getting really tired of having to be so busy all of the time. Working all day at school, working on homework, working on chores, and now his father wants him to work at cleaning up his room!

 

CLOSE: What exactly is a weekly calendar clock-tower good for? Tune in again next time As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

How long will it be before I get my car back?  We all ask that question when we drop our vehicle off at the repair shop.  But one guy has been waiting quite a while longer than the rest of us.

Argentine retiree Jose Orono told the local newspaper (Terras Noticias Populares) that he’s been waiting to get his car out of the repair shop for some time now.  He took in his 1970 Fiat for minor repairs and a paint job, a week later the mechanic said he needed two more weeks. Then the mechanic started making excuses: his aunt died, he was burglarized, etc.  Here we are SIX YEARS LATER, and Jose is still waiting for his car to be fixed. He said, “I wanted to be patient because I know (the mechanic’s) wife and kids, but enough is enough!”

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LAWS OF CAT PHYSICS

 

  1. LAW OF CAT INERTIA – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT MOTION – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

 

  1. FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

 

  1. LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

 

  1. LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

 

  1. LAW OF PILL REJECTION – Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

 

  1. LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM – Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE – As yet undiscovered.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A not-all-that-exciting police chase ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: Boston police officers spotted a car that was allegedly speeding and violating other traffic laws. Upon further investigation, they discovered the car had been reported stolen and the chase was on. After a brief chase, three teenagers jumped from the vehicle and were quickly captured. Not necessarily an unusual story, except for the fact that the kids were somehow unable to outrun the police officers, even though the police were giving chase on bicycles.

 

FILE #2: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

 

FILE #3: A Lincoln, Nebraska man jumped from a second-story balcony breaking a leg in the process and who was arrested by the sheriff’s deputies he was trying to evade.  Deputies say they went to a Lincoln apartment looking for a suspect in a recent burglary, but when they knocked and no one answered the door, the deputies turned to leave.  Then heard a thud.  They found a man with a broken leg on the ground below the apartment.  Not only did the cops almost leave, so he didn’t have to jump, but it also turned out later that he wasn’t even the burglary suspect they were seeking.

 

STRANGE LAW: It’s illegal to mistreat oysters in the state of Maryland.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

42-year-old Judith Weidner is in jail. 

Why is she in jail?  Well, Judy forced her six-year-old daughter to steal the volunteer fire department’s fundraising jug to help finance her heroin addiction.  The grand total of the theft?  $1.85.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What is the best way to keep unwanted neighborhood animals from leaving “personal gifts” on your lawn? How do you keep rabbits from destroying your flower beds and gardens? How do you keep squirrels from getting to the bird feeders? Any unique solutions floating around that we haven’t heard about?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many daughters did Reuel have?

ANSWER: Seven (Exodus 2:16-18)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many tons of dust and gases can one acre of trees remove from the surrounding environment each year?

ANSWER: Thirteen tons

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Peanuts are the oldest, most widely cultivated and extensively used nuts in the world. (False – walnuts)

 

  1. While in Alcatraz, Al Capone was inmate #66. (False – #85)

 

  1. The Titanic was running at only 2 knots when she hit the iceberg. (False – 22 knots)

 

  1. There are 12 books in the Bible that start with the letter J. (True – Joshua, Judges, Job, Jeremiah, Joel, Jonah, John, James, 1John, 2John, 3John, Jude.)

 

  1. According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until the 1730’s, Africa was the only source for diamonds in the world. (False – it was India, not Africa)

 

  1. An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards. (True)

 

  1. An estimated 690 million people live in Africa. (True)

 

  1. Niagra Falls is the world’s highest waterfall. (False – Angel Falls in Venezuela is, at 979 meters. It’s sixteen times the height of Niagara Falls.)

 

  1. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. (True)

 

  1. Astronauts get taller when they are in space. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ MONSTER MUGS KIDS IN TIMES SQUARE (COOKIE)

The Cookie Monster is mugging kids in Times Square!

The costumed character pushed a 2-year-old child and reportedly punched a group of four-year-olds on a school trip in Times Square.  The Cookie Monster also called a kid’s Bollywood star mother a name unfit for “Sesame Street,” according to prosecutors.

The Cookie Monster also grabbed a number of children and gave them wedgies.  He poured bottles of water of some kids head and also stole their ice cream cones and lollipops.  Some say that it wasn’t the “real” Cookie Monster, but rather a fake.

“You want a piece of me, come on kid, come on take a shot, take a shot”  the Cookie Monster said to children as he stood in a boxing stance.

Big Bird arrived in Times Square to rescue his friend, who Big Bird felt had “lost it” because he ate some gluten free cookies.

But Cookie Monster knocked out Big Bird as well.   “Take that Bird Flu,” reportedly said The Cookie Monster.

Any kid that tried to take a picture of Cookie Monster had their feet stepped on and their hair yanked.

Cops arrested The Cookie Monster, but he resisted and punched several officers in the face.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo on a school outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo cop for causing a big commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant compound. The first boy innocently said, “My name’s Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The second added, “My name’s Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The third boy was looking a little pale and said, “Well, my name’s Peter…. but my friends call me Peanuts.”

 

JOKE #2

One evening a man went to a fancy restaurant.  The man was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, “This potato is bad!”
To the man’s utter amazement, the waitress at this “5-Star” place, picked the potato up, smacked it, yelled, “Bad potato, bad potato,” put it back on the plate, then told the man, “If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know.”

 

JOKE #3

A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on a diet. One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for donuts every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself, he changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As the weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving compliments from his friends and co-workers.
Then one morning without thinking, he accidentally turned onto the road which would take him by the donut shop. At first he was going to turn around but then he thought to himself, “maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts”. So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly in front of the shop. And sure enough, on the seventh time around the block there was an open spot right up front.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Health authorities in India’s Kottayam district report that at least 50 people have gone blind after a rumor went around that if you stared at the Sun long enough, you would see a miraculous image of the Virgin Mary in the sky. They are desperately trying to stop this by putting up a sign warning people that it isn’t true. ***MARLAR: Where do you hang a sign so people staring in the sun will see it?

 

A man in a Cleveland suburb was charged with assault after throwing his pit bull at police and then barricaded himself in the house.  Fortunately no one was injured…including the pit bull.  ***MARLAR: However, in Cleveland there is now a five day waiting period to buy a dog.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

STRANGEST DREAM

“I had the strangest dream last night,” a man was telling his psychiatrist.
“I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.”
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
“A Coke? You call that a breakfast?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A mother tries to sell her child on eBay – and ends up in trouble with the law!

A stressed out mom from Holland has offered her one-year-old son for free through the auction website Marktplaats which is a Dutch subsidiary of eBay. The website has removed the ad which read, “He has no illnesses. I am disposing of him because I have so many things in my head and am not very good with children.” Marktplaats said advertisements with children for sale “luckily do not happen very often”, although a mother had once offered her daughter who was going through puberty saying she could “do nothing with her”. While a telephone number and an e-mail address were included, the number could no longer be reached. Out of 152 people who actually looked at the ad, only one offered $5 bucks despite the clear statement that the child was being offered free of charge. Police are now investigating and trying to track down the world’s worst mom.

 

YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG WHEN…

  • Tech Support calls YOU for help.
  • You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out.”
  • You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
  • You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be away.
  • You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
  • Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL”.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

But the Lord said, “Go and do what I say. For Saul is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles and to kings, as well as to the people of Israel.” –Acts 9:15

How can we explain God’s choices? In John 15:16, Jesus said, “You didn’t choose me. I chose you.” Saul was the last person we would have expected God to select as an instrument to tell the world about Jesus. But we know from 1 Corinthians 1:27 that God deliberately chooses “things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise.” In choosing Saul as a divine instrument, God certainly knew that his testimony would totally confound the Jews. Jeroboam, another of God’s unlikely choices, was equally surprised when the prophet Ahijah informed him of his future destiny as the king of Israel (1 Kings 11:29). In a moment, because of God’s sovereign selection, the entire course of his life was altered.
You may never figure out the ways of God in laying His hand on seemingly unworthy vessels in order to glorify Himself. Yet if you are a Christian, you are chosen. If you are chosen, you are ordained. If you are ordained, you will produce fruit (John 15:16). Relax, and carry out your calling!

–Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GIANTS OF THE DEEP

READ: Job 41:1-11

“God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves.” Genesis 1:21

The blue whale is the largest animal that has ever lived. Some are 100 feet long and can weigh over 175 tons. The biggest one ever measured had a heart the size of a Volkswagen!

In Genesis we are told, “God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves, with which the waters abounded, according to their kind” (1:21).

When the Creator revealed Himself to Job in his time of suffering, He used the giants of the deep, including the mysterious Leviathan, to illustrate His divine power, His unsearchable nature and incomparable character.

“Shall one not be overwhelmed at the sight of [Leviathan]? No one is so fierce that he would dare stir him up. Who then is able to stand against Me? . . . Everything under heaven is Mine” (Job 41:9-11).

God uses the whale, the Leviathan, and all the giants of the deep to remind us of how awesome He is as Creator of the universe (Romans 1:20). The One who made creatures that cannot be controlled is Himself beyond our control and understanding.

Just as a frightening thunderstorm makes us stand in awe of the Creator, so should the blue whale. All of God’s creation points to His eternal power.

—Dennis Fisher

 

Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love. —Smith
© 1982 by Meadowgreen Music Co.

 

Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

If you’ve ever wished for a way to quickly separate tall tales from the truth, the solution may be just a mail order away.

A new gadget called “The Truster” is available at spy gadget stores and online. It’s marketed as the world’s first portable lie-detector test.  “The Truster” looks like a cellular phone or a pocket audio recorder, but its manufacturer claims it can actually detect stress in the human voice.  If the LCD screen shows a full apple, it indicates a person is telling the truth. Disappearing bites from the apple indicate someone is lying.  The makers of “The Truster” do point out it’s for “entertainment” only and should not be used for critical decisions in the business of life or love.”  The Truster” retails for around $90. ***MARLAR: The U.S. Congress is already heading up a bi-partisan effort to draft a law keeping the device away from government buildings.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

WORST DATING MISTAKES

ThirdAge.com offers advice on the worst dating mistakes:

  • Being late. It shows selfishness and lack of organization.
  • Being too serious. Relax, laugh and smile. Don’t be so rigid that you look like you have nothing to offer.
  • Talking too much. This is an awkward cover-up for your lack of confidence.
  • Blaming others. Like bosses, ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. Your date will think they’re next on the list.
  • Putting on false airs. Don’t try to be someone you’re not, because you won’t be able to deliver on the promise later on.
  • Being negative. People avoid downers.
  • Gender-bashing. You’re on a date. Save it for the girls’ or guys’ night out.
  • Asking about money issues. Too much, too soon.
  • Sounding desperate. “Gee, no one before you would ever ask me out” is probably not the best thing to say.
  • Lying. Sooner or later, the lie will bite you.
  • Being argumentative. Don’t spout off about politics right off the bat.
  • Not listening. I said not listening.

 

AND NOW WE’D LIKE TO ADD:

  • Talking continually about your ex – positive or negative. Obviously you’re not over them, you don’t need to be on this date!
  • Not Paying Attention To Your Date’s Parents: Good morning (JOCK). I have to add something to your bad date list: A boy who came to our home to take one our daughters on a date didn’t impress my husband and I one bit. From the time he came into the front door, instead of looking at us and introducing himself, he was texting on his cell phone. One text after another while waiting for our daughter to come into the room!!  Not good!!       –Lori

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Move over fingerprints… here come EAR prints.

Scientists in seven countries are testing the viability of using earprints to positively identify a criminal. They say so far, after looking at 50-thousand earprints, they have yet to find two that were identical. Police officials say that criminals often press their ears against doors and windows to determine if anyone is in the building. The big job will be convincing the court system that earprints are as good an identifier as finger prints. ***MARLAR: They soon plan to HEAR arguments about it.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR KIDS ARE ALREADY BORED WITH SUMMER

  • Used scrap lumber to build a tree condo
  • Watched “Wizard of Oz” for the 20th time… this week!
  • They’re playing “Hide and… oh, well, who the heck cares?”
  • They actually asked the question, “When does school start?”
  • They’ve asked if they can clean their rooms again

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOUSEHOLD ITEMS THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

The most common gadgets in your home can be lifesavers in case of an emergency. Here, from the Red Cross and the Daily Mail newspaper, are seven things you’ll need when a crisis strikes:

  • Paper Bag — Inhaling and exhaling 10 times while holding it over your nose and mouth can stop a panic attack.
  • Juice Glass — To easily remove an insect from someone’s ear, pour a glass full of warm water into it. The bug should float to the surface.
  • Milk — If you knock out a tooth, put it in a container of milk until you can get to your dentist. The milk is a neutral solution that will keep the tooth from drying out, increasing the odds that it can be reinserted.
  • Yellow Pages and a Mop — Touching someone who’s been electrocuted can give you a severe shock. To insulate yourself, stand on a phone book, then move the electrical wire away from the victim with a wooden mop handle.
  • Bed sheet — An adult suffering from heatstroke should be wrapped in a sheet soaked in cold water.
  • Pantyhose — To support a broken collarbone, wrap a pair of pantyhose around the person’s neck. Tie loosely in a figure 8 at chest level and place the person’s hand in the bottom loop.
  • Credit Card — When a bee or wasp stings you, gently use a credit card to scrape the stinger out of the wound, and then put ice on the area to reduce swelling.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(None On The Weekends)

 

Donald Trump is well known for his trademark hairdo. And now you can have the same look. In celebration of Trump’s announcement as a presidential candidate, Time has released a list of four instructions for styling your hair to look just like Donald Trump.

http://ti.me/1elHIVL

 

The U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom reports that persecution of religious minorities in Iran has increased ever since the 2013 election of the new President. But, Open Doors USA says this hasn’t stopped the ministry of Christians. As of February 2015, approximately 90 Christians were either in prison, detained, or awaiting trial because of their religious beliefs and activities. But officials say they are now starting to hear stories of the gospel being shared behind the prison doors as Christians in Iran continue their ministry work, despite the suffering.

http://t.co/udp4vAWG7W

 

Millions of refugee children across the Middle East and North Africa who were driven from their homes by war have also lost access to schooling. Now the Satellite television company Sat-7 is trying to remedy that problem. The kids program My School brings a school to them through television. The teachers and curriculum are provided by Heart for Lebanon while the SAT-7 Lebanon studio films and produces the episodes. The curriculum in the pilot program covers essential Arabic, English, and Math principles.
https://t.co/YIESxyJt7S

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I have a great idea for a children’s book about an irrepressibly curious monkey who goes on a journey and along the way meets a West Nile mosquito, a killer African bee, a Gambian rat, a prairie dog and a mad cow. It’s called, “Curious George Repeatedly Goes to the Hospital.” –Steve Nathans

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 19, 2015…

 

Dope (opening in select cities)—This is a comedy about a young man trying to go to college and a drug situation that turns out wrong. Pharrell Williams wrote many of the songs. The story is set in California, but the young man, Malcolm (Shameik Moore) wants to go to Harvard. “Dope” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Inside Out—Several years ago was a comedy TV series, called “Herman’s Head” starring William Ragsdale, about a man with voices in his head who were always arguing about something. Several actors had the roles of the voices. Now, we have an animated film with emotions who argue in the head of a pre-teen girl named Riley (Kaitlyn Dias). They all come into play when Riley and her family move to a new location. Enough to give one a headache. Voices of  Joy (Amy Poehler), Anger (Lewis Black), Disgust (Mindy Kaling), Sadness (Phyllis Smith)  and Fear (Bill Hader) . This is a Pixar film. “Inside Out” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for animation fans.

 

Manglehorn (opening in select cities)—Al Pacino stars in this film about a man trying to manage his life and friendship with a son (Chris Messina), a past girlfriend and a new girlfriend. Pacino plays a locksmith. Also in the cast are Natalie Wilemon and Holly Hunter. “Manglehorn” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Overnight (opening in select cities)—What happens when you move to a new city? In this cast, Seattle. Well, be careful when making friends as you never know. Taylor Schilling and Adam Scott are a couple who move and are befriended by Jason Schwartzman. Hmm.  “The Overnight” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JUNE 26, 2015…

 

What Happened Miss Simone? is a documentary on the life of the famous singer, Nina Simone.

 

Ted 2 and it had to happen. The foul-mouthed teddy bear is back in action and this time wants to get married?

 

Max (and bring hankie to theater) is about an Army dog who is returned to civilian life.

 

Big Game is an action film starring Samuel L. Jackson.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.