June 23, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***LIFE LINES – FREE TO AIR!

 

Daily Dose of Weird News2BEGINNING JULY 5TH! ONAIRprep will be offering FREE customized Daily Dose of Weird News – tagged with your station or show info!  Just email darren@onairprep.com (use the subject line “Customized DDWN”) with your ONAIRprep username, station call letters, and then the verbiage you want used at the end of each episode!  EXAMPLE: “For Daily Dose of Weird News, I’m Darren Marlar and this is your station for Positive Hit Music and Johnny Jock in the mornings – 109.9, THE MIX!”  A dry version of the news will also be available if you want to produce your own version!  Dry version and customized cuts will be available via FTP.  Login info below to get set up:

HOST: ftp.marlarhouse.com
USERNAME: clients@marlarhouse.com
PASSWORD: LriXny9T6n

cropped-web.jpgALSO BEGINNING JULY 5TH! You can request a FREE dry voice commercial, promo, or underwriting spot (up to sixty seconds in length) – one per month!  Darren Marlar will voice it at no extra charge – just email your script to darren@onairprep.com and include your ONAIRprep username in the message so you can be credited properly!  Need more than one spot per month?  Get unlimited dry voice work each month for just $200!

 

 

AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW! 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160623

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And now it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)… hosted by (JOCK), produced by (JOCK), directed by (JOCK), catering by (JOCK), transportation by (JOCK).  Heck, I even fixed the chair when it started squeaking.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask for him.” –Luke 11:13

 

The Lord will keep you from all harm — he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. — Psalm 121:7-8

 

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. — Proverbs 9:10

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live. — John 5:25

 

Thought: Aren’t you glad that not even death can stop us from hearing Jesus’ promised words to us: “RISE!”? We will hear his voice and live with him forever. That sure puts a lift in my future plans; what about you?

 

Prayer: Thank you, Almighty God, that Jesus’ resurrection demonstrated your power to destroy death. I have confidence in your Son’s promises to return, to raise me from the dead if I die before his return, and to take me home to be with you. In the Savior’s name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Romans 6:23 NIV = For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 23, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 184 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is POOP OUT EARLY DAY, a day to fake complete exhaustion to leave early.  ***MARLAR: I guess it’d be a bit obvious if I were to suddenly get sleepy now that we’ve publicized this, eh?

 

Today is LET IT GO DAY. Whatever is bugging you, let it go.  ***MARLAR: I don’t know… I’m kinda bugged at the fact that I’m pooped but can’t go home yet.

 

Today is NATIONAL PIZZAZZ DAY. Add a little pizzazz to your life today.  ***MARLAR: Are they KIDDING?!?!  I’m too pooped to pizzazz!  Can I go home now?

 

Today is NATIONAL PECAN SANDY DAY.  ***MARLAR: I don’t know why, but ever time I hear the word “Sandy” I immediately think of Sandy Duncan.  And I’m really in the mood for a Wheat Thin.

 

Today is MORTICIANS APPRECIATION DAY. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.  ***MARLAR: And now for the top pet peeves of morticians…

  • Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but to you it just means overtime.
  • You’re the best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
  • Nobody visits your booth at junior high “career days.”

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Widows’ Day

Let It Go Day

Pink Flamingo Day

Public Service Day

Runner’s Selfie Day

SAT Math Day

Typing Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, JUNE 24

Celebration of the Senses

International Fairy Day

Drive Your Corvette to Work Day

Take Your Dog To Work Day

 

SATURDAY, JUNE 25

AARL (American Radio Relay League) Field Day

National Catfish Day

Great American Backyard Campout

Color TV Day

Day of the Seafarer

Global Beatles Day

 

SUNDAY, JUNE 26

America’s Kids Day

Descendants Day

International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking

International Day in Support of Victims of Torture

National Canoe Day

National Milkman Day

Log Cabin Day

 

MONDAY, JUNE 27

Decide To Be Married Day

“Happy Birthday To You” Day

Industrial Workers of the World Day

National HIV Testing Day

National Sunglasses Day

PTSD Awareness Day

Please Take My Children To Work Day

 

TUESDAY, JUNE 28

National Columnists’ Day

International Body Piercing Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29

(None Today)

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 30

National Bomb Pop Day

National Hand Shake Day

NOW (National Organization For Women) Day

Social Media Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1868: Christopher L. Sholes received a patent for his invention of the “Type-Writer.”

 

1956: “Transfusion” by Nervous Norvis hit #8 on the Billboard pop chart. Shoot the juice to me, Bruce.

 

1963: New York Mets slugger Jimmy Piersall hit his 100th home run, then headed to first base by running backwards and doing the same towards second base, third base, and back to home plate. This prompted Major League Baseball to institute the rule that players must face the bases.  ***Players facing the consequences of their actions, however, did not come into play until Barry Bonds.

 

1965: Smokey Robinson & The Miracles released “Tracks of My Tears.”

 

1981: Pawtucket finally beat Rochester 3-2 in the 33rd inning of a game tat had resumed after it was suspended two months earlier at 4:07 in the morning. Pawtucket’s Wade Boggs went 4 for 12. Rochester’s Cal Ripken Jr. was 2 for 13.

 

1988: Billy Martin was fired for the 5th time as manager of the New York Yankees.

 

1990: Actor Gary Busey paid $242,000 for one of Buddy Holly’s guitars. Busey starred in The Buddy Holly Story.

 

1992: Actress Susan Lucci of TV’s “All My Children” received a standing ovation at the Daytime Emmy Awards when she did not win an Emmy after being nominated for the 13th straight year. (

)

 

1993: In Nipomo, California, 12-year-old, 4-feet-8 Rachael Forest drove her 2-year-old brother and 4-year-old sister to safety in the family Honda through a raging forest fire. Her mom had been teaching her to drive the stick-shift car “just in case there was an emergency.”

 

1994: Officers in Minot, North Dakota, broke up a fight between a husband and wife in the police station parking lot. Both spouses were armed with chainsaws.

 

1995: Walt Disney’s “Pocahontas” opened in movie theaters throughout the U.S.

 

1996: A survey revealed one in five British children was addicted to computer games.

 

1997: Levi Panovitch of Colorado Springs got his summons for jury duty. Levi was only three years old.

 

1999: When a bank robber demanded money in Oranienburg, Germany, the teller routinely asked to see some I.D. The 31-year-old robber not only produced his I.D. card, but forgot to get it back. Police arrested him a few hours later.

 

2002: In Tsu, Japan, a bank staff led an armed robber into its vault – then locked him inside. The man armed with a knife demanded cash from staff at the UFJ bank on Honshu island. Staff say they played along with his demand and led him to the vault. They kept the vault locked until police arrived.

 

2005: Film critic Roger Ebert received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

 

2005: Former Ku Klux Klansman Edgar Ray Killen was sentenced to 60 years in prison for the 1964 Mississippi slayings of three civil rights workers, 41 years after the crime.

 

2005:  U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney said again in a TV interview that the Iraq insurgency was in its “last throes.”

 

2013: Cristina Torre, the daughter of former New York Yankees’ Manager Joe Torre, was being hailed as a hero after catching a baby who had tumbled off the second-floor fire escape of an apartment in Brooklyn, New York. The retired catcher said: “I am very proud of my daughter Cristina’s actions. Fortunately for that child she was in the right place at the right time to lend a hand.”  *** Cristina made a nice, diving catch, then tossed the baby to her pal to COMPLETE THE DOUBLE PLAY! Good hustle, Cristina, good hustle!!!

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1683: English Quaker William Penn, an advocate of peace and religious toleration, signs a treaty with the American Indians of Pennsylvania. Voltaire said the agreement was the only treaty never sworn to and never broken.

 

1780: American troops, using hymnal pages from the First Presbyterian Church for gun wadding, stops the British advance on Springfield, New Jersey.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • football’s Ladanian Tomlinson 37
  • actress (Cruel Intentions, Hellboy, and TV show “Zoe” as the title character) Selma Blair 44
  • Actress (Fargo, City By The Sea) Frances McDormand, 59
  • “American Idol” judge Randy Jackson 60
  • Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas 68
  • Actor (“Dallas”, “Knots Landing”) Ted Shackelford, 71 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1929 : June Carter Cash

1937 : Niki Sullivan (The Crickets)

1940 : Stu Sutcliffe (The Beatles)

1940 : Adam Faith

1941 : Robert Hunter (Grateful Dead)

1944 : Rosetta Hightower (The Orlons)

1962 : Steve Shelley (Sonic Youth)

1977 : Jason Mraz

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do you “rack your brain” for an answer to something?
I know just what you’re thinking: “What might a torture instrument have in common with the origin of this expression?” Well I’ll tell you. Return with me now to the past. We’re in a medieval dungeon. The prisoner won’t confess, so the jailer has to use, er, persuasion. The interrogator chooses to make use of a device borrowed from leather tanners to stretch a hide: the rack. With wrists pulled one way and ankles the other, it’s a stretch to believe that the prisoner can go long without talking. Now back to your brain. When you “rack” it for something, you’re torturing it. You have ways of making it talk, and it WILL talk!

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Brandon Heath spent a day recently with some REAL American heroes! Brandon posted: thanks to Walter Reed and the Wounded Warriors I met today for having me out. Learned a lot about faith and perseverance!   https://www.instagram.com/p/BG48lxck9Kr/

 

A new story behind the song video from Selah member Todd Smith. His focus this time is the song There’s a Light.  http://youtu.be/vN5jqiq3zfo?a

 

Jamie Grace was recently on her old Myspace account and found a TEN YEAR OLD blog. This week the post she made at 14 was the subject of her Jamie Grace Show. Check out what Jamie Grace had to say at age 14 and how she has changed over the past decade…  http://fb.me/1beTTN4e3

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell is working on new music but information about the project is scarce. Last week Mac posted a picture from the beach and said: “contemplating making some new music…..a LOT of it! More later” This week he added a picture of an old school reel to reel and added: And so it begins…. That’s it. No word on whether it’s another country album or if Third Day is working on a new CD. We do know that Mac Powell is starting on a new project. We’ll pass along more as it becomes available.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BG64NSMgm0T/

 

Hillary Scott recently released her first single, titled Thy Will. This week she talked with Good Morning America about the heartbreaking inspiration behind the song. Scott told Good Morning America: “Last fall I went through a miscarriage.” Opening up for the first time about her experience, Scott said “This is something that is still not talked about very often.” “I also feel like there’s this pressure that you’re just supposed to be able to snap your fingers and continue to walk through life like it never happened.” But Scott, who recently recorded an album of hymns with her family titled Love Remains, put pen to paper to help her persevere through her pain. The result was the song Thy Will.  http://celebritybabies.people.com/2016/06/20/hillary-scott-miscarriage-thy-will-meaning-new-single/

 

Jamie Grace will be sporting Cleveland Cavilers gear the next time she visits Ohio. She announced Sunday afternoon: Depending on who wins, next time I’m in Cleveland Sara Carnes has to wear a warriors jersey or hat or I have to wear a cavs one. Much to Sara’s relief, the Cavs came through. However, Jamie quickly tried to get out of the wager. She posted after the Warriors loss: My doctor told me I can’t wear hats any more they’re not good for my eyebrows. When that didn’t work, Jamie added: My doctor said those colors are really bad for my eyebrows.

 

Worship Leader Christy Nockels will be releasing something new in the next several days. Tuesday she announced The Glorious in the Mundane, a new podcast she will be producing. Christy says she calls it her “farm table epiphany”, when God got a hold of her heart several years ago and showed her how exhausted she really was because she was trying to do it ALL. Christy posted: I’m truly grateful that God interrupted my life when He did so that I could see that just as many glorious things could happen at my farm table as they could under lights on a stage somewhere.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BG7h8_eTSoZ/

 

Selah member Todd Smith was one of many conservatives in the audience when Donald Trump met with nearly a thousand social conservative leaders in New York City this week. According to Time, What started as a closed-door gathering of 400 social conservative leaders to test Trump’s values grew into a daylong conference of 1,000, involving nearly all the traditional political influencers of the religious right. “We are trying to seek mutual understanding,” says event organizer Bill Dallas, president of United in Purpose, an organization committed to change American culture based on Judeo-Christian principles. Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee moderated a 90-minute main session. Retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson also participated.  http://ti.me/28KCWya

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In Germany a couple of guys were pulled over on a routine traffic stop. When an officer asked them where they were going, one of them said they were on their way to rob a bank. He was joking but the suspicious officer decided to run the guy’s name through law enforcement computers. He was wanted on a five year old shoplifting charge.  ***Officer Karma – always on the job!

 

In a new survey, more than half the teens questioned are saying that they feel “addicted” to their mobile devices — and they’re not alone. Around 27 percent of parents admit to struggling to put the phone down as well.  ***And c’mon, let’s face it – you’re (reading/hearing) this on your mobile right now, aren’t you?

 

An Ohio police officer’s body camera video shows an intoxicated man stumbling along a road. He’d planned to get him home safely but then the man told the officer he’d lost a bit of marijuana. So the officer helped the man look for it. After he found it he arrested the man.  *** “Hello officer, can you help me get arrested?” “Of course – I’d be happy to help you get arrested!”

 

Alcoholic Architecture, a bar in London, tries to appeal to your sense of smell. And so the bar recently offered a novel speed dating event called Romancing the Armpit. Participants placed paper bags on their heads, then smelled each other’s armpits. They rated each other by smell and were matched up accordingly. The premise is that people are naturally attracted to good partners by smell.  *** If this was true, wouldn’t those AXE Body Spray commercials be considered documentaries… instead of lies?

 

In a new poll, more voters feel that Hillary Clinton has a better temperament to serve as president than Donald Trump does.  ***Well of course she can control her temper… I mean, how long has she been married to Bill?

 

Names reportedly being floated as potential vice presidential contenders by Hillary Clinton are Senator Elizabeth Warren, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Bernie Sanders, who has yet to concede the Democratic race to Clinton, is not on the list.  ***Which is surprising, I mean, wouldn’t you want someone by your side that has that “I’ll never give up the fight” spirit?

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent survey says that 1 in 10 Americans don’t carry around cash anymore.  ***MARLAR: In THIS economy?  Who actually has cash?

 

According to a study from Harvard Medical School in Boston, fresh blooms brighten more than a room; they also lift your mood.  ***MARLAR: For those with allergies, they suggest watching a movie starring Orlando Bloom.

 

You’ve heard the joke that there’s a Starbucks on every corner. Not true — that’s just silly. But there’s one within 20 miles of 80 percent of Americans, and the furthest you’d ever have to drive to get your coffee fix from a Starbucks-owned store is 140 miles.  ***MARLAR: And the gas for that trip roughly equals the same amount as a Starbucks vent mocha.

 

A survey by the UK version of the Girl Scouts (Girlguiding) found that marriage is not on the priority list for teens as much as it used to be. The majority of girls 7- to 21-years-old defined “success” as “being confident and independent” rather than “being married.” Just three years ago the majority chose marriage as the #1 achievement before 30.  ***MARLAR: I blame the media.  Why would women want to get married nowadays when the “standard” is (KANYE WEST) or (JUSTIN BIEBER)?

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Broker”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Wood, “Seniors”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Marvy Snuffelson, in order to avoid having to work, nailed the Razzleflabbins’ calendar clock hands so they’d stay on Saturday.  But now it’s been Saturday for several days… and there’s nothing left to eat on the entire jungle except bread and water!

 

CLOSE: Will Marvy ever fess up to the truth that it’s actually HIS fault?  Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JUNE 25/26

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Marvy Snuffleson’s parents were disappointed in Marvy because he refused to play or even get to know Scotty – the new kid on the block.  He wasn’t friendly at all.  Of course, it’s not really Marvy’s fault, because after all, everyone knows you don’t hang out with the new kid… it’s just not done… right?

 

CLOSE: As if not playing with the new kid wasn’t bad enough, now Marvy may never be able to play with anyone ever again – he’s washed out onto the high seas!  Tune in next time to find out what happens, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

How long will it be before I get my car back?  We all ask that question when we drop our vehicle off at the repair shop.  But one guy has been waiting quite a while longer than the rest of us.

Argentine retiree Jose Orono told the local newspaper (Terras Noticias Populares) that he’s been waiting to get his car out of the repair shop for some time now.  He took in his 1970 Fiat for minor repairs and a paint job, a week later the mechanic said he needed two more weeks. Then the mechanic started making excuses: his aunt died, he was burglarized, etc.  Here we are SIX YEARS LATER, and Jose is still waiting for his car to be fixed. He said, “I wanted to be patient because I know (the mechanic’s) wife and kids, but enough is enough!”

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LAWS OF CAT PHYSICS

 

  1. LAW OF CAT INERTIA – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT MOTION – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

 

  1. FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

 

  1. LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

 

  1. LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

 

  1. LAW OF PILL REJECTION – Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

 

  1. LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM – Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.

 

  1. LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE – As yet undiscovered.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A not-all-that-exciting police chase ends up in the files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: Boston police officers spotted a car that was allegedly speeding and violating other traffic laws. Upon further investigation, they discovered the car had been reported stolen and the chase was on. After a brief chase, three teenagers jumped from the vehicle and were quickly captured. Not necessarily an unusual story, except for the fact that the kids were somehow unable to outrun the police officers, even though the police were giving chase on bicycles.

 

FILE #2: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

 

FILE #3: A Lincoln, Nebraska man jumped from a second-story balcony breaking a leg in the process and who was arrested by the sheriff’s deputies he was trying to evade.  Deputies say they went to a Lincoln apartment looking for a suspect in a recent burglary, but when they knocked and no one answered the door, the deputies turned to leave.  Then heard a thud.  They found a man with a broken leg on the ground below the apartment.  Not only did the cops almost leave, so he didn’t have to jump, but it also turned out later that he wasn’t even the burglary suspect they were seeking.

 

STRANGE LAW: It’s illegal to mistreat oysters in the state of Maryland.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

42-year-old Judith Weidner is in jail. 

Why is she in jail?  Well, Judy forced her six-year-old daughter to steal the volunteer fire department’s fundraising jug to help finance her heroin addiction.  The grand total of the theft?  $1.85.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What is the best way to keep unwanted neighborhood animals from leaving “personal gifts” on your lawn?  How do you keep rabbits from destroying your flower beds and gardens?  How do you keep squirrels from getting to the bird feeders?  Any unique solutions floating around that we haven’t heard about?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many daughters did Reuel have?

ANSWER: Seven (Exodus 2:16-18)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many tons of dust and gases can one acre of trees remove from the surrounding environment each year?

ANSWER: Thirteen tons

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Peanuts are the oldest, most widely cultivated and extensively used nuts in the world. (False – walnuts)

 

  1. While in Alcatraz, Al Capone was inmate #66. (False – #85)

 

  1. The Titanic was running at only 2 knots when she hit the iceberg. (False – 22 knots)

 

  1. There are 12 books in the Bible that start with the letter J. (True – Joshua, Judges, Job, Jeremiah, Joel, Jonah, John, James, 1John, 2John, 3John, Jude.)

 

  1. According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until the 1730’s, Africa was the only source for diamonds in the world. (False – it was India, not Africa)

 

  1. An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards. (True)

 

  1. An estimated 690 million people live in Africa. (True)

 

  1. Niagra Falls is the world’s highest waterfall. (False – Angel Falls in Venezuela is, at 979 meters. It’s sixteen times the height of Niagara Falls.)

 

  1. Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. (True)

 

  1. Astronauts get taller when they are in space. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ MONSTER MUGS KIDS IN TIMES SQUARE (COOKIE)

The Cookie Monster is mugging kids in Times Square!

The costumed character pushed a 2-year-old child and reportedly punched a group of four-year-olds on a school trip in Times Square.  The Cookie Monster also called a kid’s Bollywood star mother a name unfit for “Sesame Street,” according to prosecutors.

The Cookie Monster also grabbed a number of children and gave them wedgies.  He poured bottles of water of some kids head and also stole their ice cream cones and lollipops.  Some say that it wasn’t the “real” Cookie Monster, but rather a fake.

“You want a piece of me, come on kid, come on take a shot, take a shot”  the Cookie Monster said to children as he stood in a boxing stance.

Big Bird arrived in Times Square to rescue his friend, who Big Bird felt had “lost it” because he ate some gluten free cookies.

But Cookie Monster knocked out Big Bird as well.   “Take that Bird Flu,” reportedly said The Cookie Monster.

Any kid that tried to take a picture of Cookie Monster had their feet stepped on and their hair yanked.

Cops arrested The Cookie Monster, but he resisted and punched several officers in the face.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo on a school outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo cop for causing a big commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant compound. The first boy innocently said, “My name’s Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The second added, “My name’s Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”
The third boy was looking a little pale and said, “Well, my name’s Peter…. but my friends call me Peanuts.”

 

JOKE #2

One evening a man went to a fancy restaurant.  The man was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard look at the potato, called the waitress over and said, “This potato is bad!”
To the man’s utter amazement, the waitress at this “5-Star” place, picked the potato up, smacked it, yelled, “Bad potato, bad potato,” put it back on the plate, then told the man, “If that potato causes any more trouble, just let me know.”

 

JOKE #3

A very devout man who was very over weight decided to go on a diet. One of his main problems with eating was that he would stop for donuts every morning on the way to work. So to make things easier for himself, he changed his route to work to avoid the temptation of stopping. As the weeks went by he started losing a lot of weight and was receiving compliments from his friends and co-workers.
Then one morning without thinking, he accidentally turned onto the road which would take him by the donut shop. At first he was going to turn around but then he thought to himself, “maybe the Lord is rewarding me for my efforts”. So, he said a short prayer telling the Lord that if this was His true intention let there be an open parking place directly in front of the shop. And sure enough, on the seventh time around the block there was an open spot right up front.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Health authorities in India’s Kottayam district report that at least 50 people have gone blind after a rumor went around that if you stared at the Sun long enough, you would see a miraculous image of the Virgin Mary in the sky. They are desperately trying to stop this by putting up a sign warning people that it isn’t true. ***MARLAR: Where do you hang a sign so people staring in the sun will see it?

 

A man in a Cleveland suburb was charged with assault after throwing his pit bull at police and then barricaded himself in the house.  Fortunately no one was injured…including the pit bull.  ***MARLAR: However, in Cleveland there is now a five day waiting period to buy a dog.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

STRANGEST DREAM

“I had the strangest dream last night,” a man was telling his psychiatrist.
“I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn’t get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream.”
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:
“A Coke? You call that a breakfast?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A mother tries to sell her child on eBay – and ends up in trouble with the law!

A stressed out mom from Holland has offered her one-year-old son for free through the auction website Marktplaats which is a Dutch subsidiary of eBay. The website has removed the ad which read, “He has no illnesses. I am disposing of him because I have so many things in my head and am not very good with children.” Marktplaats said advertisements with children for sale “luckily do not happen very often”, although a mother had once offered her daughter who was going through puberty saying she could “do nothing with her”. While a telephone number and an e-mail address were included, the number could no longer be reached. Out of 152 people who actually looked at the ad, only one offered $5 bucks despite the clear statement that the child was being offered free of charge. Police are now investigating and trying to track down the world’s worst mom.

 

YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG WHEN…

  • Tech Support calls YOU for help.
  • You keep begging your friends to get an account so “we can hang out.”
  • You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
  • You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be away.
  • You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
  • Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL”.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

But the Lord said, “Go and do what I say. For Saul is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles and to kings, as well as to the people of Israel.” –Acts 9:15

How can we explain God’s choices? In John 15:16, Jesus said, “You didn’t choose me. I chose you.” Saul was the last person we would have expected God to select as an instrument to tell the world about Jesus. But we know from 1 Corinthians 1:27 that God deliberately chooses “things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise.” In choosing Saul as a divine instrument, God certainly knew that his testimony would totally confound the Jews. Jeroboam, another of God’s unlikely choices, was equally surprised when the prophet Ahijah informed him of his future destiny as the king of Israel (1 Kings 11:29). In a moment, because of God’s sovereign selection, the entire course of his life was altered.
You may never figure out the ways of God in laying His hand on seemingly unworthy vessels in order to glorify Himself. Yet if you are a Christian, you are chosen. If you are chosen, you are ordained. If you are ordained, you will produce fruit (John 15:16). Relax, and carry out your calling!

–Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GIANTS OF THE DEEP

READ: Job 41:1-11

“God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves.” Genesis 1:21

The blue whale is the largest animal that has ever lived. Some are 100 feet long and can weigh over 175 tons. The biggest one ever measured had a heart the size of a Volkswagen!

In Genesis we are told, “God created great sea creatures and every living thing that moves, with which the waters abounded, according to their kind” (1:21).

When the Creator revealed Himself to Job in his time of suffering, He used the giants of the deep, including the mysterious Leviathan, to illustrate His divine power, His unsearchable nature and incomparable character.

“Shall one not be overwhelmed at the sight of [Leviathan]? No one is so fierce that he would dare stir him up. Who then is able to stand against Me? . . . Everything under heaven is Mine” (Job 41:9-11).

God uses the whale, the Leviathan, and all the giants of the deep to remind us of how awesome He is as Creator of the universe (Romans 1:20). The One who made creatures that cannot be controlled is Himself beyond our control and understanding.

Just as a frightening thunderstorm makes us stand in awe of the Creator, so should the blue whale. All of God’s creation points to His eternal power.

—Dennis Fisher

 

Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love. —Smith
© 1982 by Meadowgreen Music Co.

 

Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

If you’ve ever wished for a way to quickly separate tall tales from the truth, the solution may be just a mail order away.

A new gadget called “The Truster” is available at spy gadget stores and online. It’s marketed as the world’s first portable lie-detector test.  “The Truster” looks like a cellular phone or a pocket audio recorder, but its manufacturer claims it can actually detect stress in the human voice.  If the LCD screen shows a full apple, it indicates a person is telling the truth. Disappearing bites from the apple indicate someone is lying.  The makers of “The Truster” do point out it’s for “entertainment” only and should not be used for critical decisions in the business of life or love.”  The Truster” retails for around $90. ***MARLAR: The U.S. Congress is already heading up a bi-partisan effort to draft a law keeping the device away from government buildings.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

WORST DATING MISTAKES

ThirdAge.com offers advice on the worst dating mistakes:

  • Being late. It shows selfishness and lack of organization.
  • Being too serious. Relax, laugh and smile. Don’t be so rigid that you look like you have nothing to offer.
  • Talking too much. This is an awkward cover-up for your lack of confidence.
  • Blaming others. Like bosses, ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. Your date will think they’re next on the list.
  • Putting on false airs. Don’t try to be someone you’re not, because you won’t be able to deliver on the promise later on.
  • Being negative. People avoid downers.
  • Gender-bashing. You’re on a date. Save it for the girls’ or guys’ night out.
  • Asking about money issues. Too much, too soon.
  • Sounding desperate. “Gee, no one before you would ever ask me out” is probably not the best thing to say.
  • Lying. Sooner or later, the lie will bite you.
  • Being argumentative. Don’t spout off about politics right off the bat.
  • Not listening. I said not listening.

 

AND NOW WE’D LIKE TO ADD:

  • Talking continually about your ex – positive or negative.  Obviously you’re not over them, you don’t need to be on this date!
  • Not Paying Attention To Your Date’s Parents: Good morning (JOCK).  I have to add something to your bad date list: A boy who came to our home to take one our daughters on a date didn’t impress my husband and I one bit.  From the time he came into the front door, instead of looking at us and introducing himself, he was texting on his cell phone. One text after another while waiting for our daughter to come into the room!!  Not good!!  –Lori

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Move over fingerprints… here come EAR prints.

Scientists in seven countries are testing the viability of using earprints to positively identify a criminal. They say so far, after looking at 50-thousand earprints, they have yet to find two that were identical. Police officials say that criminals often press their ears against doors and windows to determine if anyone is in the building. The big job will be convincing the court system that earprints are as good an identifier as finger prints. ***MARLAR: They soon plan to HEAR arguments about it.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS YOUR KIDS ARE ALREADY BORED WITH SUMMER

  • Used scrap lumber to build a tree condo
  • Watched “Wizard of Oz” for the 20th time… this week!
  • They’re playing “Hide and… oh, well, who the heck cares?”
  • They actually asked the question, “When does school start?”
  • They’ve asked if they can clean their rooms again

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOUSEHOLD ITEMS THAT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE

The most common gadgets in your home can be lifesavers in case of an emergency. Here, from the Red Cross and the Daily Mail newspaper, are seven things you’ll need when a crisis strikes:

  • Paper Bag — Inhaling and exhaling 10 times while holding it over your nose and mouth can stop a panic attack.
  • Juice Glass — To easily remove an insect from someone’s ear, pour a glass full of warm water into it. The bug should float to the surface.
  • Milk — If you knock out a tooth, put it in a container of milk until you can get to your dentist. The milk is a neutral solution that will keep the tooth from drying out, increasing the odds that it can be reinserted.
  • Yellow Pages and a Mop — Touching someone who’s been electrocuted can give you a severe shock. To insulate yourself, stand on a phone book, then move the electrical wire away from the victim with a wooden mop handle.
  • Bed sheet — An adult suffering from heatstroke should be wrapped in a sheet soaked in cold water.
  • Pantyhose — To support a broken collarbone, wrap a pair of pantyhose around the person’s neck. Tie loosely in a figure 8 at chest level and place the person’s hand in the bottom loop.
  • Credit Card — When a bee or wasp stings you, gently use a credit card to scrape the stinger out of the wound, and then put ice on the area to reduce swelling.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Do you have an extra Bible you’re not using? How about a Bible study or maybe a book on spiritual growth you’ve just finished? That Bible, study or book are welcome resources to thousands of people around the world through Christian Resources International. To date, CRI has sent more than 282 million dollars worth of free Bibles and Christian books to more than 170 countries. Officials say “The amazing thing about that is those were books sitting on people’s shelves or going to be thrown out.”

http://ift.tt/20GPlYl

 

Bentley Yoder is being called a miracle baby. According to the Washington post, Bentley has a rare condition in which his brain was growing outside his skull. His mom, Sierra Yoder, said doctors told them that their son would not live long past his birth. However, that didn’t happen. It wasn’t until he had lived five months that surgeons at Boston Children’s Hospital put together a plan for what one called the “granddaddy” of cases to place his brain back into his cranium. On May 24 the team when to work, easing Bentley’s brain back into his head. Now, almost a month after Bentley’s brain surgery, his mother said, he is now able to hold up his head. He’s eating. He’s smiling. He’s jabbering. No one quite knows what Bentley’s future will look like because they have no one to compare him to. His parents say: We just have to take it step by step.

http://wapo.st/28JTRBN

 

A NW Kansas man chronicled “babysitting” his nine-year-old daughter’s doll in a series of hilarious photos posted on Facebook last week. Trent McCain posted photos of his unique babysitting experience on the Facebook page for his family’s business on June 15. In the photos, McCain explains that his daughter, Joselyn, was in a bind last week and needed a last minute babysitter for her doll “Abbie.” McCain agreed to watch Abbie and decided to post pictures of their eventful day.

http://www.kare11.com/news/nation-now/dad-posts-hilarious-pics-while-babysitting-daughters-doll_/251239798

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I have a great idea for a children’s book about an irrepressibly curious monkey who goes on a journey and along the way meets a West Nile mosquito, a killer African bee, a Gambian rat, a prairie dog and a mad cow.  It’s called, “Curious George Repeatedly Goes to the Hospital.”  –Steve Nathans

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 17, 2016…

 

Finding Dory—This animated story, and remember the hit film “Finding Nemo,”  stars the voice of Ellen DeGeneres as Dory, who wants to find her family. Nemo and his Dad are off to join the adventure and help her, along with a myriad of sea creatures. Other voices include Albert Brooks, Dominic West, Hayden Rolence  and Ed O‘Neill. “Finding Dory” is rated G. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Central Intelligence—Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) team up looking for spies in the comedy about two guys who just don’t get along out in the field.  Guess the earthquake belt has quieted down (Reference “San Andreas.”) The mayhem continues. “Central Intelligence” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

 

JUNE 24, 2016…

 

Free State Of Jones stars Matthew McConaughey as a farmer, during the Civil War, who lives in Mississippi and rebels against the South.

 

Independence Day 2: Resurgence and here comes the Mother Ship, about the size of Texas and ready to take on Earth. Stars Liam Hemsworth.

 

The Shallows stars Blake Lively in a survival role as a woman who is surfing and has to fight off a giant shark.

 

Hunt For The Wilderpeople starring Sam Neill as a crusty farmer in New Zealand, has a new opening date. Another view of parenting.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.