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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
First, we’ll have the reading of the minutes from yesterday’s show: 20 minutes after 6:00, 10 minutes before 7:00, 18 minutes after 8:00, and 23 minutes until 9:00.
My new diet allows me to have two large eggs for breakfast. Does anyone know where I can buy ostrich eggs?
It’s June 26th. GOOD NEWS! We’re exactly six months away from hitting the after-Christmas Sales!
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The deliberate union of so great and various a people in such a place, is without all partiality or prejudice, if not the greatest exertion of human understanding, the greatest single effort of national deliberation that the world has ever seen.” – John Adams
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Love never fails….” –1 Corinthians 13:8
“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see them?” declares the Lord. “Do not I fill heaven and earth?” declares the Lord. — Jeremiah 23:24
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. — Psalm 73:23-26
Thought: In times of confusion, we can take comfort that while we may not understand everything while here on earth (read Psalm 73:1-22), God will be faithful. Everything we have and know here on earth is subject to decay, but our relationship with the LORD is our strength forever. He will not abandon, fail, or forget us.
Prayer: Almighty God, thank you for being with me always, especially in those moments when life is most confusing and my fears most troubling. Please give me faith to not only ask you honest questions, but to also trust you even when things don’t look like they are all that good for those who believe in you. Please help my faith hold firm as I wait for your mighty vindication of your people. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Matthew 6:26 NIV = Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 26, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 181 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL STRAWBERRY PARFAIT DAY. ***Strawberry Shortcake’s sweeter cousin.
Today is LOG CABIN DAY. ***Celebrate with syrup or Lincoln Logs! Or use both together for a permanent log cabin structure.
TODAY IS ALSO…
Harry Potter Day
International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking
International Day in Support of Victims of Torture
National Canoe Day
National Columnists Day
Same Sex Marriage Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 27
Decide To Be Married Day
“Happy Birthday To You” Day
Industrial Workers of The World Day
Micro-, Small-, And Medium-Sized Enterprises Day
National HIV Testing Day
National Parchment Cooking Day
National Sunglasses Day
PTSD Awareness Day
THURSDAY, JUNE 28
International Body Piercing Day
National Bomb Pop Day
National Hand Shake Day
Ryan Moran Day
FRIDAY, JUNE 29
Drive Your Corvette to Work Day
World Scleroderma Day
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
California Avocado Day
National Haskap Berry Day
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
National Meteor Watch Day
NOW (National Organization For Women) Day
Social Media Day
SUNDAY, JULY 01
Estee Lauder Day
Fast of Tammuz
Hop A Park Day
National GSA Employee Day
National Postal Workers Day
Resolution Renewal Day
Second Half of The Year Day
U.S. Postage Stamp Day
Zip Code Day
MONDAY, JULY 02
I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
Second Half of The Year Day
World UFO Day
TUESDAY, JULY 03
Compliment Your Mirror Day
International Plastic Bag Free Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
ON THIS DAY
1284: The Pied Piper appeared in the town of Hamlin, Germany. ***He had quite a following, but mostly rodents.
1819: The bicycle was patented by WK Clarkson, Jr. of New York City. ***But, since no one had patented the chain and lock, he lost the first eight bikes he built. (STRANGE LAW: it is against the law to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool in Baldwin Park, California.)
1830: King George IV of England died at age 67. He was England’s fattest king and most profligate. He ate pigeons—lots of pigeons.
1934: Franklin Delano Roosevelt signed the “Credit Union Act” into law. ***Which of course, allowed union soldiers to get credit cards. Didn’t it?
1944: In a unique 6-inning exhibition game to raise money for U.S. War Bonds, the New York Yankees played the Brooklyn Dodgers and the New York Giants. Final score: Dodgers 5, Yankees 1, Giants zip.
1946: The first two-piece brief swimsuit was shown in public. The bikini was worn by a model at a press party. Louis Reard, incidentally, called his creation: “four triangles of nothing.” ***And now it’s down to three triangles. What happened to that rear-end triangle, Louis?
1949: Billboard magazine renamed its “Hillbilly Music Chart” as “Country & Western.”
1974: The first supermarket bar code was swiped on a pack of Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum, in Troy, Ohio. ***Because the CIA insisted on it.
1975: Singers Sonny and Cher Bono finalized their divorce. Four days later Cher married musician Greg Allman. The marriage lasted only nine days. ***She threatened to divorce him as well if he began singing “I Got You Babe.”
1977: Elvis Presley closed his concert at Market Square Arena in Indianapolis with “Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.” It was his last concert. He died seven weeks later.
1980: Frances Haskell died at age 89. In 1930 she was the first female Texas Ranger.
1981: Virginia Campbell of Mountain Home, Idaho, took her coupons and rebates and bought $26,460 worth of groceries. She paid only 67 cents. She would have received a refund of $12.97, but she decided to get film and flashbulbs after the bill was totaled.
1985: Philadelphia Phillies organist Wilbur Snapp played “Three Blind Mice” following a call by umpire Keith O’Connor. O’Connor was not amused and Snapp was ejected from the game. ***But not before playing The Beatles’ “Help!” while being dragged out of the box.
1989: Canada updated its coins with a new likeness of Queen Elizabeth. ***The new coins are lighter than the previous ones because of all the wrinkles they had to add.
1990: Phoenix recorded an official high temperature of 120 degrees. The next day it would reach 122. ***Which is almost as hot as it is in the on-air studio right now. Close… but not quite.
1991: Francis Johnson’s world record 8.7-ton ball of twine, which he had been building since 1950, was moved to a prominent place in downtown Darwin, Minnesota, where more people could see it. ***Right… because I’m sure there was a tremendous public outcry that they couldn’t see more string.
1992: Female temperance patrols in India’s state of Manipur reported they had grown to 30,000 members and were successful in reducing male drinking problems, which had led to wife-beating and unemployment. The women captured drinkers, tied them naked to a donkey, and paraded them through town. And promised to do it again if they kept drinking. ***So the donkeys promised to stop. (audio clip)
1998: A Canadian student took a store mannequin to his prom. ***This fall he and the mannequin will celebrate another anniversary together.
1999: A 2-year-old rooster named Henry crowed 42 times in 30 minutes to win 46th annual Rooster Crow in Rogue River, Oregon. The record 112 crows was 7set by a rooster named White Lightning in 1978.
2003: Strom Thurmond, the longest-serving senator in U.S. history, died in Edgefield, South Carolina, at age 100. He had been a U.S. senator for 47 years.
2003: A 24-year-old man in Fort Myers, Florida, facing 30 years in prison for allegedly selling cocaine, left court during his trial and never returned. He missed out on the jury’s innocent verdict.
2007: A Washington State trooper arrested two men for speeding on I-5 in Snohomish County. The trooper said the 2005 BMW 330i and the 2007 Honda Accord sounded like an airplane whizzing by at 141 miles an hour. He caught up to the pay when they stopped to let a passenger switch cars. Both drivers were jailed on reckless driving charges.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1097: The armies of the First Crusade (1096-99) occupied the ancient Byzantine city of Nicea.
1515: William Tyndale is licensed with his MA. He places the Bible above philosophy making an English translation of God’s word which becomes the basis the Authorized version.
1702: Birth of Philip Doddridge, an English Nonconformist clergyman. Doddridge authored 370 hymn- texts, of which ‘O Happy Day That Fixed My Choice’ is still sung today.
1839: Scottish clergyman and missionary Robert Murray McCheyne wrote in a letter: “Joy is increased by spreading it to others.”
1892: Birth of Pearl S. Buck, American Presbyterian missionary to China and author of the 1931 best-seller, The Good Earth.
1932: Edith Seville and Francis Schaeffer both rise to refute Unitarian, end up marrying. The two become evangelists to intellectuals. Francis will team up with Dr. C. Everett Koop to produce the film series: Whatever Happened to the Human Race?
1955: The first Southern Baptist congregation was formally organized in Las Vegas, with 33 charter members. It was the second Southern Baptist church established in Nevada.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Grace Under Fire”, “8 Simple Rules”, Galaxy Quest) Kaitlin Cullum 32
actress (“Parks and Recreation”) Aubrey Plaza, 34
actor (Slackers, Rushmore) Jason Schwartzman, 38
actor (Batman & Robin, “The Practice”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “NCIS: Los Angeles”) Chris O’Donnell 48 (audio clip)
actor (“Parks and Recreation”) Nick Offerman, 48
actor (“Will and Grace”, The Bucket List, The Three Stooges) Sean Hayes 48 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1893 : Big Bill Broonzy
1910 : Colonel Tom Parker
1940 : Billy Davis, Jr. (The 5th Dimension)
1943 : Georgie Fame
1955 : Mick Jones (The Clash)
1956 : Chris Isaak
1957 : Patti Smith
1959 : Stef Burns (Huey Lewis and the News)
1961 : Terri Nunn (Berlin)
1967 : Mark Decloedt (EMF)
1968 : Colin Greenwood (Radiohead)
1973 : Gretchen Wilson
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Just how dead is the Dead Sea?
It’s pretty obvious that a real estate developer did not name this body of water between Jordan and Israel. Imagine trying to sell beachfront property with that moniker! The Dead Sea is so called because of the high salt content of its waters. That spells instant death for fish that happen to wander in, as they occasionally do from the Jordan River. In fact it kills most animal and plant life–with the exception of tourists, who love the property of the salt water that makes it so easy to float on. Bacteria survive in the Dead Sea, though, as do brine shrimp and a class of plants called halophytes that love salt water. So it’s not entirely dead, although not exactly a wild and crazy place, either.
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(PERENNIAL) With the summer thunderstorm season now underway, a study finds that 81% of lightning strikes happen to men. ***Proving God is not a big fan of golf.
The Border Patrol is cracking down… on Canadian joggers. A woman from France out for a beach jog in Canada accidentally ran into Washington state and got nabbed by Border Patrol. What’s shocking is she was detained for two weeks. ***Let this be a lesson to you… never ever go jogging! (That’s what I’m getting out of it at least.)
Around 40 students just graduated from college in Northeast Ohio – cannabis college. Students like Marian Tucker spent a year at the Cleveland School of Cannabis to earn their executive degrees. Tucker said, “It’s a new and exciting industry coming to Ohio and I just wanted to be right at the front door. They taught me how to remember the regulations and apply it to real-life situations.” Graduates got diplomas in cannabis horticulture, business, and medical application. ***Over 200 began taking courses at Cannabis College, but 160 of those students were to mellow to get up in the morning to attend classes.
While tea is one of the healthiest drinks you can consume — it soothes stress, it helps prevent heart disease and stroke and it even helps preserve memory — for some people it can raise the risk of debilitating kidney stones, according to researchers from Loyola Medical Center in Chicago. ***But then, passing a kidney stone for you will be less stressful for you because you’re drinking tea.
Restaurant patrons who were waited on by an overweight server were four times as likely to have dessert as those who were assigned a slimmer server, a recent Cornell study found. That is because when we are around people who are carrying a few extra pounds, we tend to give ourselves more permission to indulge, explains study author Tim Doering. ***There’s a good reason right there for you to not be my friend – I would make you severely obese.
It’s not logical, but hurricanes with female names appear to be far deadlier than similar tropical storms with male names. Why? People don’t prepare as well for hurricanes that are perceived as feminine. That’s the word from researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, who studied death rates from hurricanes that reached land in the U.S. over the past 60 years. Even though they purposely left out two particularly deadly and destructive hurricanes so the data would not be skewed — Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and Hurricane Audrey in 1957 — the findings showed that the death tolls for hurricanes with female names were almost three times higher than those with male names. ***You’re just not picking the right female names, that’s all. Name a hurricane “Hillary” or “Roseanne” and people will run screaming.
NBC has dropped the rock on “Timeless.” It’s been officially canceled. ***I guess naming your show “Timeless” doesn’t make it so.
They’re saying that you’ll start seeing smartphones used as car keys as early as next year. ***That keychain is going to be a monster!
Canadian legalization of marijuana will offer pot delivery by mail. ***Which makes a lot of sense; you really don’t want those people driving.
ABC has pulled the second episode of new reality show “The Proposal” following a sexual assault allegation involving one of the show’s contestants. ***At this rate, we’ll likely hear the next Muppets movie has been scrapped because Miss Piggy couldn’t stop sexually harassing Kermit in front of the rest of the cast.
Here’s a disturbing new trend — some people are reportedly taking out loans to pay for their vacations. ***It’s a balancing act between how much fun you’re willing to have, versus how much you despise calls from bill collectors.
Police in Florida are searching for two men who left an injured alligator at a convenience store. ***FOR SHAME! If you’re going to leave an alligator behind, at least be kind enough to make sure it’s fully-functional!
Billy Joel is hosting the re-election fundraiser for New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo next month, with tickets starting at $5,000. ***Five thousand bucks to see Billy Joel?!?! You can buy all three of his greatest hits albums for a total of twenty-six bucks.
At least one money-hungry rat broke into an ATM machine in India and chewed his way through nearly $18,000 in cash. ***It’s extremely expensive, but it is a great source of fiber.
Tom Arnold says he and Donald Trump’s former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen are teaming up to “take down Trump.” Whatever that means. ***Looking at the success record of Tom Arnold’s decisions over the years, I don’t think Trump has much to worry about.
ABC is going to bring back “The Conners” (the cast of Roseanne, without Roseanne herself) for a 10-episode season this fall. ***They brought Dan back from the dead for the Roseanne reboot, now they are killing off Roseanne. I wonder if at the end of the next season they’ll find Patrick Duffy in the shower saying it was all a dream.
A team of producers is offering to cover the budget for a remake of “The Last Jedi” in order to save Star Wars. This isn’t a joke — they’ve already raised $90 million in pledges. ***So they are raising money to remake a movie that came out only six months ago. The only explanation for this is that someone has figured out the Jedi mind trick using the Force.
About 9,000 stacked bourbon barrels plummeted to the ground Friday at Barton 1792 Distillery, home of the brand 1792 Bourbon. The building, which holds up to 20,000 barrels, was having a wall repaired. The collapse brought down half of the structure. ***Yes… the wall was falling-down drunk.
An Australian was charged with falsifying a death notice to get time off work. The man paid $25 to put a death notice about his father in his local newspaper. The man then used the notice to get time off work so he could look for another job. His plan was foiled when the man’s dad showed up at his place of work to take him to lunch. ***OH NO!!! IT’S A GHOST!!! AND HE WANTS TO TAKE ME TO FUDRUCKERS!!!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Research shows people who swear more have bigger vocabularies than those who opt for an expletive-free life. In fact, those who were more confident using swear words were also more articulate in other areas of language use. ***But ironically, their expanded vocabulary only included words with four letters.
Is the anti-obesity message finally getting through? A marked drop in the obesity rate among preschoolers in the U.S. has researchers and parents pointing to a variety of possible factors. ***First and foremost – paying for your mandatory healthcare leaves no money to shop for food.
When you take Tylenol, the main ingredient in acetaminophen, and it does more than relieve your pain. The popular medication also reduces your empathy, that is how much you’re able to understand the physical and social pain and suffering that others feel. ***Not that I give a care.
Scientists are warning that the radiation emitted from full-body airport scanners has been seriously underestimated and could lead to an increase in skin cancer. According to Dr. David Brenner, head of Columbia University’s center for radiological research, the dose absorbed by the skin may be up to 20 times higher than previously thought. ***Finally, here’s something that the world could ban from airports that I could actually get behind! Forget banning nail clippers and e-cigarettes… lets ban full-body scanners!
After a bad break-up, who’s the first person most people call? Regardless of whether the person is a man or woman, the one who got dumped most often calls a good female friend (27%)… or mom (17%). ***Because us guys don’t want to hear your whiney-butt sissy-crying boo-hoo story. You pansy.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was so frustrated and angry at never being as good as Mozart at anything that he decided to sabotage Mozart’s concert that night… and his evil plan began at a very unusual place, the Franciscan Monkey Copy Shop…
CLOSE: Will Millard’s evil scheme work? Will tomorrow be great… or will Steve Mozart yet again show up Millard J. Monkey? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
There are two options in life… dying, or living with lawyers.
Today’s Moment of Duh shows us that committing suicide isn’t always as easy as it sounds. A Hong Kong woman jumped from the roof of a building in an attempt to kill herself. She failed though, and landed on a car. Now that car’s owner is suing the lady for $25,700 – the damages to the car. As if that’s not strange enough, the lady is now saying she won’t pay for the damages because the guy was illegally parked, and if he had not been parked there she would be dead now.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD’VE LEFT OUT OF YOUR RESUME
10. Your self awarded PhD from The School Of Hard Knocks
9. The fact that you’re a level fourteen Paladin with a mighty Vorpal blade.
8. Honors: Voted Most Likely to be on “Cops” – Class of 1997
7. Letter of recommendation from your 3rd grade teacher.
6. Solitaire Champion of 2002.
5. The decorative butterfly stickers you added “for effect”.
4. Excellent with that thingie, the one with the bits and the noise.
3. Fluent in Klingon and currently studying Wookie.
2. Leadership Rolls: Used to be the head French-fry guy.
1. World record holder for high score on Minesweeper.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Why would anyone WANT a plaster cast?
FILE #1: Ernest G. Johnson was recently arrested in Shreveport, Louisiana, for what we can only describe as an out of control plaster cast fetish. Posing as an insurance company employee, he was caught roaming the corridors at LSU Hospital, sneaking photographs of women wearing casts. One police detective said, “It’s like all he wants is to be in the presence of a woman with a cast on and have her attention.”
FILE #2: It was a dream come true for 2 little old ladies who took a trip to Memphis, Tennessee to honor Elvis. After taking the Graceland tour, they went to get a bite to eat. They stopped at a local shopping area and were quickly approached by a man who demanded their purses. Not missing a beat – they beat him senseless with their purses causing the guy to fall down and break his ankle. Since he could not run off, he instead used his cell phone to call 911 for help. The police came and arrested him as he was curled up in the corner while the old ladies held him down by sitting on him.
FILE #3Thieves in the UK broke into the car of a shoe salesman and took off with 80 of today’s most fashionable shoes. The key there is that they took off with 80 shoes — not 40 pairs. The salesman was carrying around single samples of new shoe designs — not a pair among them. The bungling burglars got away with 80 right-footed shoes. Police officer Stuart Elford said, “They must have been hopping mad when they found out.”
STRANGE LAW: Bowling is forbidden in Evanston, IL.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
In Wadsworth, Ohio, firefighters hit the crime-busting jackpot while dousing a fire in a new home.
It did seem strange that the guy believed to be the owner suddenly took off while they were still battling the blaze. Then it all made sense — as soon as they found the $700,000 worth of marijuana plants in the basement. A total of 239 plants were found but that’s not the only crime here. The special marijuana-cultivating system, with special plant-growing lights, was wired to the home’s electrical system in a way that bypassed the meter. Police are now looking for the owner who bought the place just under a month ago.
The guy who cuts my hair was telling me that he bought some gorgeous wheels for a classic car that he’s always wanted to own. Not the car mind you, just the wheels. He bought wheels to a car he doesn’t even own! What’s the most unusual thing YOU ever bought on E-Bay?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What is the only gospel to mention Jesus’ riding on a donkey?
ANSWER: Matthew (Matthew 21:1-9)
QUESTION: What everyday office item was invented in 1899 by Norwegian, John Vaaler?
ANSWER: The paperclip
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. (True)
2. There is about 1/4 pound of salt in every gallon of seawater. (True)
3. Blondes have more hair than dark haired people do. (True)
4. Six ounces of orange juice contains the minimum daily requirement for vitamin C. (True)
5. A famous 19th century bullfighter, Lagarijo, killed 867 bulls in his career. (False – he killed 4,867!)
6. Abraham Lincoln’s mother died when she drank milk. (True, the milk of a cow that grazed on poisonous snakeroot)
7. Adolf Hitler wanted to be an architect. (True, but he failed the entrance exam at the architectural school in Vienna)
8. After the death of the genius, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study. (False – that was Albert Einstein)
9. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned his wife or mother. (True, because they were both deaf.)
10. Astronaut Neil Armstrong’s mother’s maiden name was “Moon.” (False – but Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name was! Buzz was the second man to step onto the Moon in 1969.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
STUDY PROVES MOST _______ ARE DWARFS! (ALIENS)
Most aliens who visit Earth are dwarfs who stand less than 4 feet tall! So says physicist David Webb.
Dr. Webb analyzed nearly 2,000 close encounters and found that aliens fall into three classes.
“Most numerous are those in the dwarf class,” he said. “Generally, they wear helmets and metallic reflecting suits. Very often they are seen in pairs gathering samples from the ground and trees. They don’t generally communicate with humans.”
The second group is comprised of human-like beings from 5 to 6 feet tall, said Dr. Webb.
“They are seen in groups of three or more and involved in the so-called abduction cases. There is often communication with humans.”
In the final category are the giants that appear to be at least 7 feet tall, he said.
“All of these classes of aliens tend to wear one-piece coveralls or jumpsuits that are tight-fitting all the way down to the hands,” continued Dr. Webb.
“Not too many carry weapons but generally these extraterrestrials tend to control the situation.
“Sometimes a witness is paralyzed by an apparent ray gun device,” he said. “But often he’s just paralyzed without any obvious weapon.”
Dr. Webb found that of the nearly 2,000 cases:
26 percent involved aliens seen entering or leaving a UFO.
17 percent involved aliens observed in a UFO.
17 percent involved an alien near a spacecraft.
16 percent involved seeing an alien but not a UFO.
10 percent involved witnesses who were actually taken aboard a UFO.
7 percent involved an alien seen in the area where UFO sightings have previously occurred.
2 percent involved communication with the alien.
The remaining 5 percent don’t fit into any categories.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?” The judge said that was true.
“Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge thought for a moment, and replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man then proceeded to look directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?”
The woman replied, “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?”
Another word for hiccups is “singultus.”
A study in New Zealand found that older people could live longer, healthier lives if they just took a walk and drank a glass of chocolate milk every day. ***Dang, I have to walk too?
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest. No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place – 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location – it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
“Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”
“Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
“With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling. His answer was succinct. “I had plenty of wire, but not much stove pipe.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
And you think you have it tough driving in rush hour traffic… imagine being caught on the outside of a train and dragged through a tunnel!
A man in Calcutta went on a terrifying train ride when train doors slammed shut before he could get into the train, grabbing his arms while leaving him on the outside. People inside the train held his arms while the train, traveling at about 30 MPH, went through the tunnel between the two stations, with everyone fearing he would be bashed against the tunnel walls during the horrifying 3 minute ride. The emergency alarm knob was not functioning. And why didn’t the conductor see the man hanging from the train when it was about to leave the station? Seems some incompetent camera installer placed the cameras incorrectly so the conductor could only see part of the train. The people on the train were incensed and heckled and attacked the train driver at the next stop, prompting the union to strike, on the spot, demanding ”safety at work.” The three hour strike ended when officials promised to post police on all the platforms and near booking counters. ***MARLAR: So, how was your commute to work?
DIRECTIONS TO HIS HOUSE
1. Make a Right onto “Believeth Boulevard.”
2. Keep straight and go through the Green Light, which is Jesus Christ.
3. From there, you must turn onto the “Bridge of Faith,” which is over troubled water.
4. When you get off the bridge, make a Right turn and Keep Straight.
5. You are on the “King’s Highway” – Heaven-bound.
6. Keep going for three miles: One mile for the Father, One for the Son, and One for the Holy Ghost.
7. Then, exit off onto “Grace Blvd.”
8. From there, make a Right turn on “Gospel Lane.”
9. Keep Straight and then make another Right on “Prayer Boulevard.”
10. As you go on your way, Yield Not to the traffic on “Temptation Avenue.”
11. Also, AVOID “Sin Street” because it is a dead end.
12. Pass up “Envy Drive.”
13. Also, pass “Hypocrisy Street,” “Gossiping Lane,” and “Backbiting Boulevard,” but you have to go down “Long-suffering Lane,” “Persecution Boulevard,” and “Trials and Tribulations Avenue.”
14. But that’s alright, because VICTORY Boulevard is straight ahead!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Have you ever seen a situation that you wanted to help with, but figured that you, as one person, couldn’t really make a difference? That’s what a man named Hur thought.
How often have you thought or said, “But I’m just one person. Will this little act for God, which is all I am able to do, really make a difference to anyone?” Have you decided, “This is an impossible situation; there’s no way I can help”?
While camping at a place called Rephidim, the Israelites were attacked by the Amalekites. While the Israelite army, led by Joshua, went out to do battle, Moses climbed to the top of a hill and held up his hands to God. As long as Moses’ hands were raised, the battle went the Israelites’ way; whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning (Exodus 17:11).
After a while, the inevitable happened. Moses grew tired. Picture the scene in your mind. The man standing on the mountain, gazing up at the heavens, his tired arms falling to his side in spite of himself. Down in the valley, the weary Israelite army was feeling the battle slowly slipping away from them.
Enter brother Aaron and Hur. They’re not warriors to get out there and fight. They’re not doctors either, and they know of no miracle drug to revive Moses’ strength. But there’s one little thing–something very simple–they can do. Any guesses? Right! They can hold up Moses’ hands for him. And they do. And the Israelites emerge triumphant.
Although Aaron, brother of Moses, is well-known, many have never even heard of Hur. He performed no great deeds, fought no great battles, composed no great songs, and made no great speeches. All he did was hold up Moses’ hand. Such a little thing to do, wasn’t it? But it spelled victory, instead of defeat, for the Israelites.
One person, one word, one deed–like the tiny mustard seed that Jesus spoke of in Matthew 17:20. With God’s transforming power at work, there’s no knowing what mighty deeds can be accomplished by God through our “little” words and deeds. Small acts of kindness, simple words of encouragement or appreciation, a prayer, or even something as simple as holding someone’s hand can accomplish more than you can imagine!
GO FLY A KITE
It was the most terrifying “kite flying story” since Ben Franklin decided to fly a kite in a thunderstorm. Chris Grimes of the UK had a big 10 feet by 4 feet kite that he was flying on a seemingly calm day. That was until the wind picked up! Following a sudden gust of wind, the 17-year-old boy was lifted 25 feet into the air carrying him through air and finally putting him down in another town. At one point Chris almost dropped into a river twenty-feet deep, but managed only to skim the surface. Another gust of wind hoisted him back up, but not before his pants were soaked. In fact, they were so wet and heavy they fell off while he was flying. A relieved Grimes finally landed injury-free safely in another town.
LIFE… LIVE IT
RULES FOR A GREAT MARRIAGE
With divorce rates soaring to more than 50 percent of all marriages, the big question today is: How can we stay together?
Experts agree that the most important factors to a good marriage are communication, a deep commitment and genuine caring. “A great marriage can enrich your life,” write the authors of “12 Hours To A Great Marriage.” The authors, Howard J. Markman, Ph.D., Scott M. Stanley, Ph. D., Susan L. Blumberg, Ph.D., Natalie H. Jenkins and Carol Whiteley, have drawn from their own experiences in wedded bliss at the University of Denver’s Center for Marital and Family Studies to produce an informative, easy to use manual. These are their eight simple rules for a better marriage:
Stay Calm — Keep talks constructive, not destructive and accusatory.
Take A Time-Out — Fights are easy to start and hard to stop. Yell “peanut butter” or “macaroni” if things get out of hand. That means everyone stops, takes a deep breath and has a good laugh.
Speak Clearly — Make statements that reflect your feelings; “I feel hurt. I feel sad.” rather than assuming what your partner thinks “You don’t care. You are selfish.”
Listen — State your gripe, then wait for a reply. Repeat the answer to stay on the right track without misinterpretation.
Deal With It — Don’t wait for a problem to escalate. Talk about issues when they arise.
Have Fun — Sharing leisure time and doing things you both enjoy is important for staying together and being happy.
Keep Love Alive — Even if the initial rush of romance has passed, stay connected physically by holding hands and kissing. If you’ve grown apart, discuss what’s gone wrong, then find a way to fix it.
Forgive — In any relationship, someone will be hurt. It’s important to say: “I’m sorry” and mean it. Empty words are worthless.
JUST FOR FUN
ARE WE THERE YET?
Where’s the furthest you’ve gone on a road trip? Joey, Josh and Adam, three guys in their 20’s, took on a wild venture: to go on one road trip and hit all 48 contiguous states and never stop (except for gas). Josh’s father was the original planner who mapped the trip and was going to take the challenge himself several years ago. The trip never happened due to the death of his mother shorty before the journey was supposed to begin. And so the baton, or map rather, was passed on to Josh and his two buddies. The world traveled with them on their blog. The trip began in Boston and ended at the Four Corners. To make a very long story short here is what these three guys accomplished in FOUR DAYS:
Exact time: 106 Hours and 43 Minutes
Saw 90 cops
And never got pulled over (Wow!)
Showers taken: Zero (I guess ya gotta do what ya gotta do.)
EXCUSES TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU’RE NOT COMING TO WORK TODAY…
I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t leave the bathroom, but I feel good about it.
I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
TOP 10 WAYS TO STAY YOUNG
1. Enjoy the simple things in life.
2. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. This gives you a great aerobic workout! Become known for your hearty laugh.
3. Keep company with only cheerful people. Grouches will just drag you down.
4. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, etc. Let your home be your refuge.
5. Keep learning. Keep your brain active by learning new things – like more about the computer, crafts, gardening, etc. An idle brain is the devil’s workshop.
6. Don’t take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next town, a foreign country, but leave the guilt behind.
7. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, seek help.
8. Throw out nonessential numbers – like age, weight, height.
9. Let the tears fall. Grieve when you need to but endure and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
10. At every opportunity, tell the people you love that you do love them. They need to hear it as much as you need to say it!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(PERENNIAL) Forget bug sprays that are loaded with near-toxic chemicals. Instead, you can keep mosquitoes out of your yard this summer with garlic. Best of all, you can do this without wearing a necklace of the stinky garlic bulbs. Instead, use a commercial garlic spray on your plants and grass. “There is absolutely no harm and great potential benefit to go out and get a commercial garlic spray and spray it in your backyard,” says Mike McGrath, the garden editor of WTOP News in Washington, DC. Does it stink? McGrath admits that it will make your yard smell like an Italian restaurant for a few hours, but once the garlic spray dries, you won’t smell it. However, the skeeters will. The garlic spray will provide mosquito deterrence for up to 10 days, reports WTOP News. Garlic spray only works on plants and grass. It won’t work on your skin. “If you are just going to be outside, and you want to protect yourself without using the chemical repellent DEET, there is a product based on the lemon-scented herbs,” said McGrath.
(PERENNIAL) It’s one of those signs of summer: You’re happily eating an ice cream cone when whammy! The icy cold snakes up your teeth, seemingly into your brain. Ice cream brain freezes hurt! Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center neuroscientist Dwayne Godwin explains everything you ever wanted to know about brain freezes. What is ice cream brain freeze? That painful feeling you get when you quickly eat or drink something that is icy cold actually has a medical term: sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia. How to cure a brain freeze: Immediately stop drinking the icy cold beverage and jam your tongue up to the roof of your mouth. Your tongue is warm and will help normalize the temperature in your mouth.
People who have an intuitive thinking style are more likely to have faith in God than those who are more reflective. That’s the word from Harvard University researchers, who have linked thinking styles and faith. Intuitive thinking means going with one’s first instinct and reaching decisions quickly based on automatic cognitive processes. Reflective thinking involves the questioning of first instinct and consideration of other possibilities, thus allowing for counterintuitive decisions. Participants who gave intuitive answers to all three problems were 1.5 times as likely to report they were convinced of God’s existence as those who answered all of the questions correctly. That pattern was found regardless of other demographic factors, such as the participants’ political beliefs, education or income. Intuitive thinkers in this study were more likely to have become more confident believers in God over their lifetimes, regardless of whether they had a religious upbringing.
Looking for more family time? Some families hold a weekly Family Night where outside engagements are verboten. Others hold regular pizza-and-movie dinners. Or you might consider the modern twist: The Unplugged Night, where computers, TV, iPhones and all manner of electronic gizmos are shut off for a fixed amount of time while you all play board games or take a family walk.
You can pluck it. You can dye it. But you can’t beat it. Gray hair is genetic. That’s the word from an international group of researchers, who have identified the first gene linked with gray hair, called IRF4. Led by Kaustubh Adhikari of University College London, the team conducted a genetic analysis of more than 6,000 Latin Americans of mixed ancestry to prove that genes determine if your hair will turn gray or not. So what? In addition to possibly figuring out ways to delay hair graying, the findings have potential forensic and cosmetic applications as scientific knowledge expands on how genes influence the way we look. The study findings were reported in the journal Nature.
Of all the things you can possibly change to get healthier, the one to start with is eating better. Why? Because a poor diet comes in first place beating smoking, high blood pressure, drinking, drugs, and lack of exercise as the largest preventable cause of early death no matter where you live in the United States, according to analysis of risk factors by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation. The study found that the top dietary risk factors were, in order: getting too little fruit, vegetables, whole grains, nuts and seeds, and milk, and too much red meat, processed meat, and sugar sweetened beverages. (Men’s Fitness)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” –Fran Lebowitz
“Radio should be approached the same way as everything else – with an idea. So many run-of-the-mill radio ads tend to be conversations between people talking about the product. And that’s not an idea.” — Chris Kyme, Creative Director (Bang! Agency, Hong Kong)
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 22, 2018…
Damsel—It is the wild West and Robert Pattison is trying to find his girlfriend (Mia Wasikowska). Does this look familiar? See “Under The Silver Lake.” Anyone on the West Coast checking script content lately? “Damsel” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Under The Silver Lake—Andrew Garfield wants a date with his neighbor and then she disappears. What to do? Does this look familiar? See “Damsel.” Strange things happen in the summertime. Also in the cast are Riley Keough and Topher Grace. “Under The Silver Lake” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Boundaries—The word “boundaries” can mean many things from national countries to emotional limits. In this movie, well, Grandpa is kicked out of his retirement home because he sells weed, the son (grandson) draws questionable pictures and Mom (Vera Farmiga) has just about had it with everyone. Then, comes the road trip. I’m sure you had had your share, too, and I remember the time crossing the Alps in July with four adults in a small VW and the much-older driver had never driven in snow before. Yes, there was a blizzard that day, too. We were caught in a tunnel and each car had a five minute delay before leaving the tunnel and heading downhill—in our case, it was mostly sideways. At the end of the day, it really was “Thank you, Lord.” So, in “Boundaries,” the cast has their problems, too, and others in the film are Kristen Schaal and Lewis MacDougall. “Boundaries” is rated PG-13. Rating of 2.
JUNE 29, 2018…
Sicario: Day Of The Soldado continues the story of Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) from “Sicario” and what happens next as he goes against drug cartels.
Leave No Trace concerns a father and daughter who try to live by themselves. Stars Ben Foster.
Uncle Drew has Kyrie Irving portraying an aging sports legend who wants to do the game again.
Woman Walks Ahead has an American portrait painter who wants to do Chief Sitting Bull. Stars Jessica Chastain.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.