Sadly, after so many years, it is time to close down ONAIRprep as well as the audio feature “Daily Dose of Weird News”. I don’t wish to do so, but due to some health issues, I just cannot keep up with the demanding time it takes to put it all together each day. It was fun while it lasted but I need to re-prioritize my life to put other things first and take care of myself and my family.
So, the final day of ONAIRprep will be posted this coming Saturday, June 30th, to finish out the month. The final Daily Dose of Weird News audio feature will be posted Tuesday, June 26th.
You all have paid subscriptions, so you will need to cancel your subscriptions before you they get automatically renewed through PayPal. You can cancel your subscription immediately by unsubscribing through this link: http://ow.ly/ppcI30kF84t. It will require you to sign in to your PayPal account and cancel your subscription so you are not charged again. Do not worry, even if you unsubscribe today you will still be able to get the prep for the remainder of this month along with the prep below via links.
While the service is closing down, I do not want any of you to be at a loss for material – especially as many of you still have time left on your subscriptions. Too make up for that, I have uploaded all of the radio show prep from last year (2017) as well as everything that has been created so far this year (2018) into zip files for you to download and save to your hard drives. All of the ONAIRprep elements I use every single day are there and the only thing that would be different for each date would be the NEW news kickers which, of course, would be outdated – but the EVERGREEN news kickers could still be used for years to come. This gives you 90% of the prep which you can keep forever; just be sure to download these zip files sometime this week before the ONAIRprep portion of my website gets shut down. Here are links to the zip files…
If you would like to have Marie Asner continue to provide movie reviews for your show/station, you can email her directly at firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you have any questions, please let me know. It has been a true privilege to server each and every one of you, and to entertain your listeners through the writing I’ve done over the years. Someday I may be able to come back to this, as I know I’m going to miss it. But it appears God has other plans for me at this time.
Thank you in advance for your understanding, and God bless you, your station, and your listeners.
Sincerely Yours and HIS,
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
And now it’s (The Jock Show), for which this station assumes no responsibility whatsoever!
My plan for today’s show is to make it fun, exciting, and just plain frog-licking good.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” –1 Peter 4:8
Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord. — Leviticus 19:18
Ill-gotten treasures are of no value, but righteousness delivers from death. — Proverbs 10:2
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. “Follow me,” Jesus said to him, and Levi got up, left everything and followed him. — Luke 5:27
Thought: After capturing the hearts of the crowd, Jesus now calls another disciple, Levi (who later became Matthew). Two things are significant about this calling. First, Jesus called someone no other religious leader would have chosen, a tax collector and Roman sympathizer — to any Jew of Jesus’ era, Matthew would have seemed very much like a traitor to his heritage and to his faith. Second, the tax collector followed, leaving behind his livelihood and his fortune. This is a powerful reminder that there is no one we should write off as unreachable with the Gospel and as unusable by our Lord.
Prayer: Father of all nations, help me recognize the people you place in my path today who are ready to know more about Jesus. Give me the wisdom and the awareness to know when and how to speak with them about my Savior. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Luke 6:28 NIV = bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 28, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 179 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is LONG LETTER DAY. ***My favorite long letter is “W” – in fact, I think that is THE longest letter in the alphabet. (Actually, today is the day to stop and write that long letter to an old friend. And no, email does NOT count! Try… think hard… it might come back to you… do you remember paper? The pen? These were ancient writing tools used by your ancestors to communicate with each other.)
Today is NATIONAL GO BAREFOOT AROUND THE HOUSE DAY. ***We should expand that to “Go Barefoot Around the OFFICE Day” – don’t you think? But not in the break room – otherwise you end up with glazed doughnut frosting between your toes from this morning’s staff meeting.
Today is SUPER MUPPET RAIDERS DAY. On this day in 1981 Americans spent over $56 million in one weekend on movies, including “
” with Christopher Reeve, “
” with Harrison Ford, and “The Great Muppet Caper” with Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. ***It’s strange that the most believable of the three is the one starring a talking frog. (audio clip)
TODAY IS ALSO…
International Body Piercing Day
National Bomb Pop Day
National Hand Shake Day
Ryan Moran Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
FRIDAY, JUNE 29
Drive Your Corvette to Work Day
World Scleroderma Day
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
California Avocado Day
National Haskap Berry Day
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
National Meteor Watch Day
NOW (National Organization For Women) Day
Social Media Day
SUNDAY, JULY 01
Estee Lauder Day
Fast of Tammuz
Hop A Park Day
National GSA Employee Day
National Postal Workers Day
Resolution Renewal Day
Second Half of The Year Day
U.S. Postage Stamp Day
Zip Code Day
MONDAY, JULY 02
I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
Second Half of The Year Day
World UFO Day
TUESDAY, JULY 03
Compliment Your Mirror Day
International Plastic Bag Free Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
WEDNESDAY, JULY 04
Boom Box Parade Day
Fourth of July or Independence Day
Independence From Meat Day
THURSDAY, JULY 05
Work Without Your Hands Day
FRIDAY, JULY 06
Earth at Aphelion
Fried Chicken Day
International Kissing Day or World Kiss Day
Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day
SATURDAY, JULY 07
Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day
Global Forgiveness Day
International Day of Cooperatives
International Cherry Pit Spitting Day
Tell The Truth Day
Victims of The Dallas, Texas Attack Day
SUNDAY, JULY 08
Coca Cola Day
Math 2.0 Day
ON THIS DAY
1491: Henry the 8th, the legendary king of England, was born. ***He went through numerous wives because none of them could stand listening to him keep singing about himself.
1613: At London’s Globe Theatre, during a performance of “Henry the 8th” by William Shakespeare, a cannon set off to mark the King’s entrance accidentally set fire to the gallery roof.
1851: Eliza E. Hewitt was born. The American Presbyterian church worker wrote the hymns “More About Jesus,” “When We All Get to Heaven,” and “Sunshine in My Soul.”
1894: The Labor Day holiday was approved by congress. ***Finally, they had a holiday at the end of the summer to go with all those sales.
1975: At the Western Open in Illinois, golfer Lee Trevino was struck by lightning, but survived.
1981: Americans spent over $56 million in one weekend on movies, including “Superman II” with Christopher Reeve, “Raiders of the Lost Ark” with Harrison Ford, and “The Great Muppet Caper” with Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. ***It’s strange that the most believable of the three is the one starring a talking frog.
1985: A survey by the U.S. Transportation Department indicated that 42 percent of drivers polled said that they drove faster than the legal 55 miles per hour speed limit. ***The remaining 58 percent are bald-faced liars.
1988: An Israeli ostrich at the Kibbutz Ha’on farm laid history’s heaviest bird egg. It weighed 5.1 pounds.
1989: Nine members of the Ansett Social Climbers of Sydney, Australia, set a world record for high dining by eating at 22,205 feet at the top of Mt. Huascaran in Peru. They scaled the mountain carrying top hats, ball dresses, a 3-course meal, chairs, and a dining table. Unfortunately, the wine froze. ***So they had fruit smoothies instead.
1995: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police signed a 5-year contract with the Walt Disney Company to produce official Mountie souvenirs. ***Souvenirs of Nell and Snidely Whiplash sold separately. (video clip, Weird-Al meets Dudley Do-Right)
1996: The Citadel voted to admit women, ending a 153-year-old men-only policy at the South Carolina military school.
1997: Mike Tyson was disqualified during a heavyweight title fight in Las Vegas for biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear.
1999: 52-year-old Worth Delton shot a hole-in-one on the 125-yard par-3 seventh hole at Tipoli Country Club in Milwaukee. He was participating in a charity outing for the Foundation for Fighting Blindness. Delton had been blind since 1980. ***So how does he know they weren’t lying to him?
2000: Young Elian Gonzalez and his father returned to Cuba hours after the U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear an appeal from the 6-year-old’s Miami relatives who tried to keep him in the U.S.
2003: Eager to block telemarketing calls, 735,000 Americans registered the first day with the Federal Trade Commission’s new National Do Not Call Registry.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
195: Irenaeus, bishop of Lyons (France) and one of the most important Christian writers of the second century, dies. He argued that tradition is key in sustaining orthodoxy, and he was instrumental in raising the authority of the Roman bishop. He was also the first to add the four Gospels to a list of apostolic writings, calling them “Scripture” with the Old Testament. Many consider him the first theologian of the Christian church, since others were more apologists than theologians.
1245: Innocent IV convenes the Council of Lyons to deal with the “five wounds of the Church:” corruption of the clergy and faithful, the danger of the Saracens, the Greek Schism, the invasion of Hungary by the Tatars, and the rupture between the church and Emperor Frederick II.
1491: Henry VIII, the “Defender of the faith” who broke with Rome when the pope would not grant him a divorce, is born in Greenwich, England.
1577: Birth of Peter Paul Rubens, Flemish painter. His most famous canvasses include “Descent from the Cross” and “Erection of the Cross.”
1851: Birth of Eliza E. Hewitt, American Presbyterian church worker and devotional author. Four of her hymns still endure: “Will There Be Any Stars.” “More About Jesus I Would Know,” “When We All Get to Heaven,” and “Sunshine in the Soul.”
1890: Samuel Zwemer sets sail to the middle east to begin his ministry to Muslims. Zwemer penetrated Islam, but the great work he began remains unfulfilled to this day.
1914: Birth of Lester Roloff, American evangelist. In his later years he founded the “City of Refuge,” a work specializing in reforming children who came from broken homes.
1962: The Lutheran Church in America (LCA) was formed with the merger of four Lutheran synods: the United Lutheran Church in America, the Augustana Evangelical Lutheran Church, the American Evangelical Lutheran Church and the Finnish Evangelical Lutheran Church.
1971: The U.S. Supreme Court declared that state underwriting of nonreligious instruction in parochial schools was unconstitutional.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Days Of Our Lives”, Stephanie Mills on “Archie Bunker’s Place”) Danielle Brisebois 49 (audio clip)
Actor (Billy on “Ally McBeal”) Gil Bellows, 51 (audio clip)
Actress (Fried Green Tomatoes) Mary Stuart Masterson 52
Actor (High Fidelity, Runaway Jury, Con Air, Better Off Dead) John Cusack, 52
actress (Susan Bunch on “Friends”) Jessica Hecht 53 (audio clip)
football’s John Elway is 58
baseball’s Don Baylor 69
Actress (Fried Green Tomatoes, Titanic, Misery) Kathy Bates, 70
Actor (Senator Kelly in the X-Men movies) Bruce Davison, 72
Producer/director/actor (Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, The Producers, Spaceballs) Mel Brooks 92
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1902 : Richard Rodgers
1936 : Cathy Carr
1943 : Bobby Harrison (Procol Harum)
1945 : David Knights (Procol Harum)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
How do lie detector tests work?
According to American courts they don’t work well enough to be admitted as evidence unless each side in a case agrees to their use. Yet they are used informally by law enforcement officers to further investigations and sometimes by defense attorneys to “show” the public that a client under investigation or just suspicion is telling the truth. Developed in the 1920s, the lie detector, or polygraph, monitors how a person physically reacts to questioning, charting fluctuations in blood pressure, pulse rate and the like. But taking the test itself can make some people nervous, skewing such measurements. Other people claim to be able to control such bodily responses in a way that will fool the machine. The skill of the questioner is also a factor. All in all it’s very imperfect. Believe me. I wouldn’t lie to you. Really.
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
In a year approximately 900 million trees are cut down to make the raw materials needed for American pulp mills and paper. ***Remember when they said computers would introduce a paperless society? We use more paper now than ever. So save the rain forests – destroy your computer and switch back to legal pads!
A study by the U.S. Forest Service found less crime occurs in neighborhoods with big trees in the yards, and more crime at homes with smaller trees. Small trees may aid criminals by providing hiding places for criminals. ***Wouldn’t you think LARGE trees would be easier to hide behind? You have to wonder if the guys doing this study are working for the government because no one in the private sector would hire them.
Americans will keep growing fatter until 42 percent of the nation is considered obese, and having fat friends is part of the problem. This prediction by Harvard University is from the same group that reported in 2007 that if someone’s friend becomes obese, that person’s chances of becoming obese increase by more than half. ***Friends of Terri Hatcher and the Olsen Twins have no worries whatsoever.
According to a study in the journal Human Factors, talking on a cell phone makes 18-to-25 year-olds drive like they’re 70. Researchers at the University of Utah found that young motorists talking on their cell phones while driving move and react more slowly and increase their risk of accidents, almost mirroring the statistics of elderly drivers. ***They also have a tendency to roll down their windows and yell “turn down your stereo you young whipper-snappers!”
Americans tend to identify so much with their automobiles that they often give their cars nicknames and even talk to them while they’re driving, according to a recent AP-AOL poll. 20% of drivers name their car. The #1 nickname is Betsy, followed by Nelly, Blue and Baby. Three in 10 think their car has a gender. 23% of drivers think their cars are female while only 7% perceive their cars as being male. 62% believe the kind of car you drive tells others something about who you are as a person. ***That’s not good. What’s this say about my personality – my first car was a white 1976 Ford Bobcat two-door mini-station-wagon with wood siding we named “Woody.”
You may think your one true love is the most important thing in your life, but you would probably be wrong. It appears our home computers take that honor. A recent study finds that 65% of Americans spend more time with their computer than their spouse or significant other, reports Digital Trends. Kelton Research also found that 52% of us said our most recent computer problem caused us to feel anger, sadness or alienation. ***Or is that our spouses?
Children exposed to violence in video games and on TV, display similar reactions to those who witness war and acts of violence in real life, according to an Australian study. ***So if your child has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it could be that they’re watching too much My Little Pony.
Has anyone ever told you how much you and your mate look alike? Chances are it’s because you really do. Researchers from the University of Liverpool, in conjunction with the University of Durham and the University of St. Andrews, have determined that the longer we’re with someone, the more we grow alike in appearance. ***I’d like to apologize now for the way my wife is eventually going to look.
Did you know taking a break from it all actually benefits your psychological health? According to Journal Applied Research in Quality of Life studies have shown the largest boost in happiness comes from the simple act of planning a vacation. In the study, the effect of vacation anticipation boosted happiness for eight weeks. ***Did you catch that this is just planning the vacation? Apparently you don’t actually have to take the vacation in order to be happy, you just have to think about it! That’s right – the world of inserting memories directly into your brain (a la “TOTAL RECALL”) is actually a great mental health plan.
A recent survey found women spend $125,000 on clothing in a lifetime. ***Even with that, 60% say they still struggle to find something to wear on a daily basis.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey’s arch nemesis, Steve Mozart, was about to have a concert – and in order to make Mozart look bad, Millard replaced all of the music with sheets of nothing but lines and dots to confuse the musicians. Will his evil sabotage plan work?
CLOSE: Oh no! Why would Steve Mozart show up at Millard’s house? Does he know that Millard was planning to ruin his concert? Is he there to hurt Millard? Tune in again for more of the story, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Grand theft… rowboat?
In Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada, three teenagers stole a boat and took it for a little joy ride. After beaching the craft, they decided to set it afire. Which would have been OK, except for one little thing. The teens didn’t realize they had come ashore on an island. An uninhabited island with no other way to get off it, except for the now burned-out boat. They were rescued a short time later, and then arrested.
TOP TEN THINGS SPIDER-MAN DOES ON HIS DAYS OFF (audio clip)
10. Attends arachnophobia support groups.
9. Peeping Peter – it’s easier to see into 32nd story windows when you can climb walls
8. Sits at home watching “Charlotte’s Web” for the 800th time
7. Catches flies. Do you know how many flies such an active and large spider needs!?!
6. Tries to find a deodorant that will keep him cool and unsweaty in that total-body suit
5. By day: a nerdy high school student with spider like abilities. By night: a nerdy high school student with spider like abilities watching tv
4. Can’t let that extra web go to waste — Peter Parker has the best-flossed teeth in the country.
3. Make outfits for Cher, Madonna, and Brittney Spears
2. Sells homemade hammocks on ebay.
1. Refills web cartridges and writes new witty banter for battles with super-villains
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Here’s your one-minute bank robbing lesson for the day. When plotting your heist, knowing the branch hours is always helpful.
FILE #1: Staff at the Podravska Bank in Zagreb, Croatia, told police they were getting ready to go home when they heard the doors rattling and saw a masked man holding a gun trying to get in. Staff said even though he was wearing a mask they could tell from his movements that he was very confused to find the bank wasn’t open. He left empty-handed.
FILE #2: In Germany, a young thug got the surprise of his life when he tried to hold up the wrong little old man. Turned out this little old man was 88-year-old former boxing champion Gerhard Brinkmann who knocked out the young punk cold! Gerhard told the cops, “I was visiting a friend’s grave when a young, long-haired man came up to me and demanded I hand over my money. I told him to come closer if he wanted it and as he did I landed a full-force right hook on his chin!” Gerhard was the German lightweight boxing champion of 1936. The kid remained unconscious while Gerhard called police, but came to and ran before they got to the scene. Gerhard said, “I can’t run like I used to but I can still put up a good fight.”
FILE #3: A Milwaukee, Wisconsin teenager was taken into custody for stealing a snow blower! It seems that the 18-year-old walked into Ben Chomicki’s garage, stole a snow blower and made no attempt to keep it a secret. You see, there were tracks leading from the garage, down the sidewalk, across the street, through an alley way, across another street, through a playground, and eventually leading them to the machine that was hid underneath a porch some 7 blocks away. Inside the home itself – the 18-year-old who is being charged with the crime.
STRANGE LAW: In Los Angeles, CA, it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
If you’re reporting a robber to the police, make sure your mind is free from the influence of illegal drugs first!
A man who phoned police saying he’d been robbed of $2,250 was arrested after police discovered he had actually been duped while trying to purchase drugs. August ”Gus” T. Williams allegedly called police from his cell phone to report that he was on the Interstate 10 Bridge – following a man who had just robbed him. Police stopped Williams and the man he identified as the robber, Allen L. Joseph Jr. Williams told police he met Joseph at a motel to buy a car stereo but Joseph fled with his money. In Joseph’s version, Williams was trying to buy crack cocaine. Rather than crack, Joseph said he gave Williams a pack of playing cards wrapped in duct tape, smeared in mustard and coated with a layer of cellophane. Williams was booked with criminal mischief for making false statements to investigators and Joseph was booked with driving with a suspended license and felony theft, police said.
Ever heard of getting a speeding ticket from a car rental place? It might happen to you in the future!
A Connecticut man is suing a van rental company after they tracked his every move using global positioning technology. James Turner is taking Acme Car Rental to court after they charged him for three driving offenses they observed through the GPS system via satellite. He says he didn’t see a clause in the contract explaining there would be a $106 fine every time he went over the speed limit. They even charged the fine to his credit card without telling him… BEFORE he returned the car! Although he knew the GPS system was included on the car when he rented it, he now says that the system – which allowed Acme to calculate the van’s speed as well as its location – is intrusive. Acme says Turner should have read the small print – and they insist the monitoring system is necessary to allow them to find vehicles that are not returned. (audio clip)
PHONE POLL: Has this happened to anyone? Would you sue if you found out that your car rental place did this to you? Is this reason to not have a vehicle with GPS technology – knowing that Big Brother may be watching? What are your thoughts on all of this?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What king pouted in his bed because he could not buy someone’s vineyard?
ANSWER: Ahab (1 Kings 21:2-4)
QUESTION: Police in a Vancouver suburb were on the lookout for a man wanted for allegedly stealing 10 pairs of pants. What makes this story ironic?
ANSWER: The man had no legs. (The wheelchair-bound man was one of two suspects who witnesses said fled a Gap Inc store in a West Vancouver shopping mall two days before Christmas, carrying trousers and jackets worth $1,600. The men escaped from the crowded mall in a car that had previously been reported stolen.)
QUESTION: When you buy a package of these at the grocery store, they were most likely made in Houston, Texas.
ANSWER: Egg rolls
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Arkansas is the only US State that begins with “a” but does not end with “a”. (True. All the other States that begin with “a”, Arizona, Alabama and Alaska, also end with “a”.)
2. Vietnamese currency consists only of coins, no paper. (False – it’s all paper money; no coins.)
3. Some of Mozart’s symphonies were performed in Kentucky before they were performed in Paris, France. (False – but it’s true for Beethoven.)
4. Mr. Spock’s (of Star Trek) blood type was T-Negative. (True)
5. The A&W of root beer fame stands for “Abundantly Wet”. (False – it stands for Allen and Wright.)
6. Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box. (True)
7. The Ganges River in India boasts the only genuine, natural fresh-water sharks in the entire world. (True)
8. Brooklyn is the Dutch name for “crooked brook”. (False – “broken valley”)
9. Venetian blinds were invented in Japan. (True)
10. In the 1983 film “JAWS 3D” when the shark blows up, some of the shark guts were actually stuffed ET dolls. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
JESSICA SIMPSON LOVES BEING _______ (FAT)
Jessica Simpson gained a lot of weight during her pregnancy. But after giving birth to her daughter, Simpson says she wants to stay fat.
She gave birth to her daughter Maxwell, and was spotted, many times, hard at work trying to get her body back to her pre-pregnancy weight. But now Simpson says she’s giving up on dieting. ”I actually love being fat. I love my heavy body. I don’t see why I should kill myself to lose weight. You either love me or you don’t. Haters don’t bother me.”
The 31-year-old new mom said she loves her “mom jeans” and has no desire to fit back into her old skin-tight jeans. ”It’s a much better life being fat. There’s no pressure, no expectations on you. Fat is beautiful!”
Fellow actors have been commenting that Simpson was “12 months’ pregnant” and “appeared to have let herself go”. Some actors even called the Hollywood Fat Police on the star. But Simpson reportedly told WWN, “I don’t care what they say, I’d rather be fat than stupid. Haters are dumb, and fatters are smart.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man came into a legal office for advice about a debt he owed. The lawyer told the client that technically he could get out of the obligation. “But morally,” the lawyer continued, “you have a responsibility. As legal counsel, my recommendation is that you satisfy the debt.”
The client rose and walked toward the door.
“Sir, there’s a $25 fee for my advice,” the lawyer reminded him.
With a shake of his head, the man replied, “I’m not taking your advice.”
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”
Kenny replied, “Well then, just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Kenny said, “OK then, at least give me the donkey.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Kenny replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.”
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”
Kenny replied, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made a profit of $898.00.”
“Didn’t anyone complain?” asked the farmer.
Kenny answered, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Concerned about fitness in her middle 40s, Lisa enrolled in an aerobics class. To her dismay she walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat her nervousness with humor. “I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,” Lisa told the instructor.
The instructor gave her an appraising look. “How old is your baby?”
“Twenty-six,” she replied.
It seems not everyone in the world likes McDonald’s as much as we do. In a recent demonstration against the opening of a Mickey D’s in the town of Sete, France, about 500 protestors gathered and used a homemade catapult to bombard the new restaurant with a unique form of ammunition. The ammunition was fresh catches of the area’s renowned delicacy — octopus. ***New on the menu – McSquid Nuggets!
A man in Zhuhai City, China, “expressed his dissatisfaction with reality” by marrying a life-size foam cutout of himself in a wedding gown. ***Later it was discovered that the only women who would agree to marry him actually looked like him in a dress.
A lady died in January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A FAMILY MEMBER PLACED A CALL TO CITIBANK:
Family Member: “I am calling to tell you that she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.”
Citibank: “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”
Citibank: “Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!”
Family Member: “Do you think God will be mad at her?”
Citibank: “Excuse me?”
Family Member: “Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?”
Citibank: “Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”
SUPERVISOR GETS ON THE PHONE:
Family Member: “I’m calling to tell you, she died in January.”
Citibank: “The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”
Family Member: “You mean you want to collect from her estate?”
Citibank: (Stammer) “Are you her lawyer?”
Family Member: “No, I’m her great nephew.” (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: “Could you fax us a certificate of death?”
Family Member: “Sure.” (fax number is given)
AFTER THEY GET THE FAX:
Citibank: “Our system just isn’t set-up for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”
Family Member: “Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don’t think she will care.”
Citibank: “Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.”
Family Member: “Would you like her new billing address?”
Citibank: “That might help.”
Family Member: “Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.”
Citibank: “Sir, that’s a cemetery!”
Family Member: “What do you do with dead people on your planet?
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Looks like Americans have yet another right you may not be aware of — the legal right to web surf for personal use at work!
At least that’s the ruling of administrative law judge John Spooner of a New York City court who said the city’s school system had gone too far by firing Toquir Choudhri for personal web surfing. Judge Spooner declared that city workers have a “right” to surf the Internet for personal use while at work. Ironically, while Mr. Choudhri was expecting reinstatement after the ruling, two weeks later Chancellor Joel Klein fired him anyway, citing other poor work habits beyond his Web-surfing. Even more ironic, Mr. Choudhri was unavailable for comment because it was believed he was out of the U.S. visiting another country of whose tourist Web sites he had been looking at while at work.
THE WORLD’S GREATEST STAND-UP COMEDIAN
by Rabbi Joan S. Friedman
My bubbe, may she rest in peace, was one sharp lady. If she’d been born in a different time and place, she could have been president of the United States-or the world’s greatest stand-up comedian.
Bubbe picked up the telephone one day to call my aunt. It was not a long-distance call, just an ordinary call from Chelsea to Wakefield, but something happened. This was back when Nixon had nominated Henry Kissinger to be his secretary of state, and the U.S. Senate was holding confirmation hearings. Bubbe’s call got connected into somebody else’s line. Two men were having a conversation about Kissinger: Yes, he was from Germany, but still, he was a Jew, and you know those Jews, and wasn’t it awful that we were going to have a Jew for Secretary of State?
“So vat’s wrong vit det?” said Bubbe into the telephone.
“WHO IS THIS?”
“Dis is Kissinger’s mother!” And she hung up.
I always wonder what those guys must have thought.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
READ: Colossians 3:12-17
Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. —Colossians 3:17
Among the first words many of us were taught to say are please and thank you. No one gets quite as excited as a parent or grandparent when a toddler first utters those words and makes the connection between asking politely and receiving gratefully.
But I suspect that as we grow older we become more adept at saying please than thank you, especially with our heavenly Father. We focus more on pressing needs than on previous provisions; we petition more than we praise. And while God invites us to come to Him with all our needs, He also urges us to make gratitude a habit.
In Colossians 3:15, Paul instructed every follower of Jesus Christ to “let the peace of God rule in your hearts.” Then three times he reminded us to remain grateful to God: “be thankful” (v.15); sing with gratitude to the Lord (v.16); “do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him” (v.17).
Dr. Michael Avery, president of God’s Bible School in Cincinnati, Ohio, has said: “Very few things honor and glorify God more than the sweet fragrance of a thankful soul. It expels gloom and ushers in sweet peace and blessed hope. Gratitude encourages graciousness.”
It’s good to give thanks to God. —David C. McCasland
We thank You, Lord, for blessings
You give us on our way;
May we for these be grateful,
And praise You every day. —Roworth
Gratitude should be a continuous attitude, not just an occasional incident.
TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL FAMILY VACATIONS…
Some families’ idea of a successful vacation is when everyone is still speaking to each other when they pull into the driveway. Or maybe it’s when Dad only got lost twice and Mom didn’t yell at him.
In my own experience, those would be big scores on the report card of vacations. But I’d like to offer some suggestions for going even beyond these traditional markers of success.
Family vacations come in all shapes and sizes, ranging from camping to cruising, hiking to hoolaing. Sometimes, the dynamic is as simple as you, your spouse and that new baby or as complicated as you, your spouse, your kids, their spouses, their kids, your parents and the dogs. (My head hurts just thinking about that scenario)
Regardless of the configuration, here are a few things that I’ve found to keep things on the right track and increase the odds that everyone has had a rippin’ good time.
KISS – yes it still stands for “Keep it Simple, …” (we don’t use that word at our house). People go on vacation to relax and get away from the craziness and complexity of life. Vacation should be a slower, simpler way of life for a few days. Type A’s need to check their drive at the door.
Make sure everyone (including Mom) gets some “me” time. If it’s just you, your spouse and the kids, schedule at least a morning or afternoon when each of you can do your own thing and not be responsible for anyone else for a few hours.
Give everyone their space, especially in the morning. You may have worked out the morning person vs. night owl thing in your own marriage, but a week isn’t long enough to come to an agreeable arrangement with everyone else on the trip.
Strike a good balance between free time and planned group activities. Teenagers are already orbiting in another universe and won’t appreciate being summoned back to earth too often. Individual families should be encouraged to plan their own outings at least once or twice during the trip.
Planned group activities should be opt in only. If they require an outlay of money that is forfeitable if canceled, make sure everyone pays their own deposit. The last thing you want to be is the banker.
As far as meals go, flexibility and individual responsibility are key. A good plan is for all those capable to be on their own for breakfast and lunch and then encourage everyone to gather for dinner together.
If you have to have a clutter free environment to be happy, you’d better change your definition of happiness. People make clutter, eventually it all gets sorted out and taken home and in the meantime, you have the choice to ignore the mess and have fun with the mess makers.
If you tend to be a high-controller (yes, admit it), you’re going to have to take your hands off the reins and let things evolve. The only person you need to worry about is yourself. I can guarantee things won’t go exactly the way you’d like them to but that’s life, especially on vacation.
As our own kids got older, I took a survey each year and asked what they enjoyed about our family vacations, how they would like to change things for the next year, and did they have any vacation locations or activities that they’d like to suggest.
Now that all of our children are adults and mostly married, I continue to ask if all the trouble and expense of gathering together for a week is still worth it to them. Thankfully, the answer is a resounding yes from everyone and I think that’s in part due to the above suggestions being observed.
Enjoy the moment. Make a point to have a positive discussion with each person, completely focused on them. Affirm them with your words, affection and actions.
If you’re the mom or grandmom who’s orchestrated this family vacation, don’t plan on getting much rest. You’ll probably need a vacation after this vacation is over.
LIFE… LIVE IT
Your brain might actually be hard-wired to recognize celebrities!
Neuroscientists from Caltech and UCLA discovered that people may be genetically hard-wired to recognize celebrities. While studying an epileptic’s brain, they found one neuron that only fired when the subject saw a photo of Jennifer Aniston. It didn’t fire for Julia Roberts, or even for a photo of Aniston with Brad Pitt: only for Aniston alone. They jokingly named it “the Jennifer Aniston brain cell.” In another subject, they located a neuron that only fired when he saw a photo of Halle Berry. They say this may explain how paparazzi can spot stars in crowds even when they’re hiding behind sunglasses and hats. ***MARLAR: In other words, you only need one brain cell to recognize a celebrity. No wonder fan magazines are so one-dimensional.
JUST FOR FUN
What’ the longest time your pastor has preached? One hour? Two hours? A Pastor in England is preparing to preach for a straight 36 hours! Why? Because he wants an office!
A church in England wants its pastor to preach the longest sermon. The Reverend Chris Sterry is aiming to enter the Guinness Book of records by preaching for a minimum of 36 hours. If he is successful, he hopes to earn money towards the cost of keeping an office. The Guinness Book of Records may also consider the sermon to be long enough to warrant the creation of a new section in its longest speech category. Rev Sterry hopes to start his attempt to break the record for unscripted speech, which is currently 27 hours, at Whalley parish church at 6.30am on June 29. ***MARLAR: So the church won’t give enough money for him to have an office now – what makes him think they’ll be any more giving being forced to sit and listen to a 36 hour sermon?
THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND ABOUT TEENAGERS
Are you a parent of a teen? Grandparent of a teen? Well there are a few things to keep in mind when it comes to dealing with teens – I’ll give you a short list, coming up.
Regardless of what they say, no one really stays out studying till midnight.
Just so you don’t have to ask — Yes, that is her boyfriend. Yes, that was an earring in his nose. Yes, his parents do know about it.
If you decide to ground your teenager from using the phone, remember you now need to specify whether you mean “cell” phone or “regular” phone.
Any attempt to use slang to appear “hip” to your teenager is probably going to backfire, so don’t even try it. In fact, using terms such as “hip” are guaranteed to make you “unhip”.
You know that line, “If all of your friends jumped off of a bridge…?” That’s considered an extreme sport now, so don’t give them ideas.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
TOP SIX RESUME BLUNDERS
Looking to land that dream job in a tough economy? You’ll need every edge. Here are six serious resume blunders to look out for from CareerBuilder.com:
Forgetting the employer. Although the resume is about you, it’s not for you. After all, if you were the intended audience, you wouldn’t bother sending it out. The resume is meant to show prospective employers why you’re the perfect match for the job. They want to see the skills, experience and qualifications mentioned in their job postings. If you have skills that don’t line up exactly with the position but you know are transferrable, make that clear in the resume.
Not using keywords. Keywords, like career summaries, are signs of the time. Today, many employers use software to scan submitted resumes for keywords that suggest an applicant is a good match for the job. Although you won’t know which exact words the software is looking for, a job posting can give you a good idea. Incorporate phrases and terms from the posting, and see what words reappear in several industry ads. Concrete terms such as “infrastructure development” and “strategic planning” will fare better than generic phrases like “hard worker” and “team player.”
Using an objective instead of a career summary. An advantage of updating your resume regularly is that you can not only update your skills and accomplishments but also its format. For example, just five or 10 years ago most resumes included an objective at the top. These days, the career summary has taken its place. Like an objective, the summary should give the employer an idea of who you are, except it allows you to focus more on your experience than on your goals. You can briefly mention your career highlights, including past roles and your strongest skills.
Not proofreading. Typos and grammatical errors on a resume are the textual equivalent of showing up at an interview chewing gum and wearing tennis shoes. A resume full of mistakes suggests you care neither about the quality of your work nor the impression it makes. An employer wants someone who produces exemplary work and will be an excellent representative of the company.
Lying. Embellishing is a common practice that rarely impresses hiring mangers because they’ve seen it all. They know “childcare leadership executive” means “baby-sitter.” Outright lies, however, have no place on a resume. For one thing, it’s not hard to verify any information you put down, so you could get caught at any point between submitting your resume and getting a job offer. Plus, it’s a small world, and the truth has a way of coming out when business associates bump into one another at conferences. If your boss mentions your name to your supposed former supervisor only to be told you never worked there, you could get fired.
Not keeping up appearances. Before an employer even reads your resume, he or she forms an impression based on how it looks. It’s a snap judgment that can’t be avoided – after all, don’t you immediately zone out when you receive an e-mail that’s one huge block of text? Make your resume visually appealing by using bulleted lists, plenty of white space and subheadings. Also, avoid fonts that are full of distracting swirls and colors. It doesn’t matter how well-written your resume is if no one wants to read it.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(PERENNIAL) The bright sun and heat of the beach can deplete your fluids and electrolytes, and the effect is amplified when you sweat, says Marina Chaparro, R.D., a spokesperson for the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics. “By the time you’re thirsty, you could have already lost about 1 percent of your fluids,” she says. Staying hydrated and cool will help protect you from heatstroke. But if you start to feel dizzy, head indoors and seek air conditioning. Chaparro suggest downing 16 ounces of water each hour you’re outside at the beach, and sipping a sports drink if you’re active for more than a couple of hours in the sun to replenish electrolytes like potassium and sodium. Avoid overly sugary options by choosing a sports drink with about 14 grams of carbs per eight-ounce serving. (Women’s Health)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Tomorrow our guest will be actress Brooke Shields, who will discuss her autobiography entitled, They’re Not Heavy, They’re Just My Eyebrows.
I just got my first bout of carsickness – and I’m not even near my car. I just opened up the bill for my auto insurance.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 22, 2018…
Damsel—It is the wild West and Robert Pattison is trying to find his girlfriend (Mia Wasikowska). Does this look familiar? See “Under The Silver Lake.” Anyone on the West Coast checking script content lately? “Damsel” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Under The Silver Lake—Andrew Garfield wants a date with his neighbor and then she disappears. What to do? Does this look familiar? See “Damsel.” Strange things happen in the summertime. Also in the cast are Riley Keough and Topher Grace. “Under The Silver Lake” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Boundaries—The word “boundaries” can mean many things from national countries to emotional limits. In this movie, well, Grandpa is kicked out of his retirement home because he sells weed, the son (grandson) draws questionable pictures and Mom (Vera Farmiga) has just about had it with everyone. Then, comes the road trip. I’m sure you had had your share, too, and I remember the time crossing the Alps in July with four adults in a small VW and the much-older driver had never driven in snow before. Yes, there was a blizzard that day, too. We were caught in a tunnel and each car had a five minute delay before leaving the tunnel and heading downhill—in our case, it was mostly sideways. At the end of the day, it really was “Thank you, Lord.” So, in “Boundaries,” the cast has their problems, too, and others in the film are Kristen Schaal and Lewis MacDougall. “Boundaries” is rated PG-13. Rating of 2.
JUNE 29, 2018…
Sicario: Day Of The Soldado continues the story of Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) from “Sicario” and what happens next as he goes against drug cartels.
Leave No Trace concerns a father and daughter who try to live by themselves. Stars Ben Foster.
Uncle Drew has Kyrie Irving portraying an aging sports legend who wants to do the game again.
Woman Walks Ahead has an American portrait painter who wants to do Chief Sitting Bull. Stars Jessica Chastain.
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