June 29, 2015: Monday ONAIRprep

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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150629

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I won’t say much on today’s program. I said so much yesterday I got a blister on my tongue.

 

Today is kind of an important day here at the radio station. I am very happy to announce we have now had 25 days without a CD related injury — and one whole year without a CD related fatality. Way to go guys!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” –Philippians 3:20

 

[Spoken by Jesus] “…whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” — Matthew 16:25

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

But he [Jesus] said, “I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.” — Luke 4:43

 

Thought: When you think about the large cities of our modern world, what do you think about? Jesus sees them, and passionately yearns for the lost people in those great cities to be saved!

 

Prayer: Most holy and loving God, revive in us, your Church, a passion to reach the lost people of the world’s great cities with the gospel and grace of your Son. In the name of the world’s only true Lord and Savior, Jesus, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 6:29 NIV
Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 29, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 180 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is ELVIS PRESLEY BOULEVARD DAY. The City of Memphis voted to name a 12-mile portion of the street that passes Graceland in honor of Elvis. Street signs disappeared immediately.

 

Today is REMOTE CONTROL DAY. ***MARLAR: A favorite observance of couch potatoes everywhere.

 

Today is WAFFLE IRON DAY.  ***MARLAR: It’s not Waffle Day – but Waffle IRON Day.  So what fun is that?  “Hey, look Bill, I have a shiny waffle iron for you to look at!”

 

Today is REMEMBER THE 80’S DAY. ***MARLAR: I’ll never forget the 80’s. I remember once in 1987 when I decided to clean my room. (

)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Please Take My Children To Work Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, JUNE 30

Leap Second Time Adjustment Day

NOW (National Organization for Women) Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 01

Canada Day

National GSA Employee Day

Second Half of The Year Day

U.S. Postage Stamp Day

Zip Code Day

 

THURSDAY, JULY 02

I Forgot Day

Made In The USA Day
World UFO Day

 

FRIDAY, JULY 03

Compliment Your Mirror Day

International Chicken Wing Day

International Plastic Bag Free Day

Stay Out Of The Sun Day

Superman Day

 

SATURDAY, JULY 04

Boom Box Parade Day

Independence Day (USA)

Independence From Meat Day

Hop a Park Day

Indivisible Day

International Day of Cooperatives

International Cherry Pit Spitting Day

 

SUNDAY, JULY 05

Bikini Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 06

Earth at Aphelion

International Kissing Day (World Kissing Day)

Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1838: To mark Queen Victoria’s coronation the day before, the British newspaper The Sun published its entire issue with gold ink.

 

1776: Virginia adopted a state constitution and made Patrick Henry governor.

 

1956: Dressed in a tux and tails on Steve Allen’s TV variety show, Elvis Presley sang “Hound Dog” to a basset hound sitting on a stool. ***MARLAR: Which was appropriate since all the women in the audience were howling too.

 

1978: Actor Bob Crane was murdered in a Scottsdale, Arizona, motel room. A former deejay, he starred as Col. Robert Hogan on TV’s “Hogan’s Heroes.” (

)

 

1983: History’s oldest caged rabbit died in Longford, Tasmania. Flopsy was 18 years 11 months old. ***MARLAR: He was survived by 37,298 sons, daughters, grandchildren, great grandchildren…

 

1983: Prince Mongo of the uncharted planet of Zambodia, accused of tampering with an electric meter in Memphis, was sentenced to 10 days for contempt when he appeared in court wearing green body paint, a fur loincloth, gold goggles, and carrying a skull under one arm. Later that year Prince Mongo ran for mayor of Memphis and got 2,650 votes.

 

1986: In Louisville, Kentucky a man arrested for drunk driving claimed to be legally blind and that the car was actually being driven by his dog, Sir Anheuser Busch II. He served 30 days in jail.

 

1991: A company called Longest Taco Tico made the world’s longest burrito in Newton, Kansas. They used 2,557 tortillas, 75 pounds of cheese, and 607 pounds of refried beans to build the 1,598-foot burrito. ***MARLAR: It’s now illegal in Newton, Kansas to use a lighter.

 

1992: Doctors in Pittsburgh reported the first transplant of a baboon’s liver into a human patient. The 35-year-old recipient survived three months.

 

1994: Robert Shepard escaped from the South Central Regional Jail in Charleston, West Virginia, by scaling an 18-foot wall using a rope made from dental floss purchased at the jail store. He was recaptured a month later. The jail store no longer sells dental floss. ***MARLAR: And building a rope out of toothbrushes is proving quite a bit more difficult.

 

2002: President George W. Bush transferred presidential powers to Vice President Dick Cheney for more than two hours during a routine colon screening.

 

2003: Actress Katherine Hepburn died in Old Saybrook, Connecticut at age 96. She won a record four Oscars for best actress.

 

2005: A group of half-naked animal rights demonstrators got plenty of attention in Madrid’s historic Puerta del Sol square in a protest against bullfighting. Five young women carrying “Stop the Bloody Bullfights” signs wore only panties and had plastic bull horns on their heads. The protesters claimed 70,000 bulls a year were killed in bullfights in Spain.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1757: Anglican clergyman and hymnwriter John Newton wrote ina letter: “Whatever we may undertake with a sincere desire to promote His glory, we may comfortably pursue. Nothing is trivial that is done for Him.”

 

1810: In Bradford, Massachusetts, the first U.S. missionary society was organized: the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions.

 

1875: The first “holiness” conference opened at Keswick, England. Keswick conferences stress a non-charismatic, “crisis” form of sanctification, in contrast to the older traditional view of Christian sanctification as being a lifelong “process.”

 

1908: Birth of Cyrus H. Gordon, American Jewish archaeological scholar. Having taught Assyriology and Egyptology at Dropsie College in Philadelphia, his his technical writings include the Ugaritic Handbook (1947).

 

1931: The Unevangelized Fields Mission was founded, in England. UFM missionaries today work primarily in Latin America, Europe and Africa, as well as in Haiti and Indonesia.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“L.A. Law”) Amanda Donohoe, 53 (
    )
  • Actress (“NYPD Blue”) Sharon Lawrence, 54 (
    )
  • Politician/actor (Gopher on “The Love Boat”) Fred Grandy, 67 (
    )
  • Actor/comedian (Robin Hood: Men In Tights) Richard Lewis, 68
  • actor (The Buddy Holly Story, Lethal Weapon, Silver Bullet) Gary Busey is 69

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1901 : Nelson Eddy

1910 : Frank Loesser

1911 : Bernard Herrmann

1922 : Elmer J. “Mousey” Alexander

1922 : Ralph Burns

1935 : Lee (Shirley & Lee)

1938 : Billy Storm (The Valiants, The Alley Cats)

1940 : L. Russell Brown

1942 : Gilberto Gil

1943 : Little Eva

1943 : Roger Spear (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)

1947 : Carlo Santanna (Paper Lace)

1948 : Ian Paice (Deep Purple, Whitesnake)

1948 : Derv Gordon (The Equals)

1948 : Lincoln Gordon (The Equals)

1953 : Colin Hay (Men at Work)

1954 : Billy Hinsche (Dino, Desi & Billy)

1960 : Evelyn “Champagne” King

1964 : Stedman Pearson (Five Star)

1978 : Nicole Scherzinger (Pussycat Dolls)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do some comedians leave us in “stitches?”

Have you heard this joke? What do you call a man who wears a mask and carries a knife? Answer: a surgeon. Ok, ok, but it does leave some people in “stitches.” Why? What does laughing hard have to do with getting sewn up? The answer is in the etymology of stitches, which ain’t no laughing matter. Stitches evolved from a Germanic word that meant to stick or jab with a sharp point. Did you ever notice that when you really laugh hard your ribs can hurt? That common cramping or stabbing feeling suggests the pain you might experience from being stuck in the ribs by something sharp. Hence the laughter leaves you in “stitches.” By the way, don’t even think about it. Your HMO won’t cover it.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Luke from for King and Country is training his kids young. He recorded a video while jamming with his two sons and says it might very well be one of the greatest jam sessions ever caught on camera.

http://t.co/zYeHgfd8l1

 

Danny Gokey was recording vocals this week for his first Christmas record. But Danny says it was difficult to get in the Christmas spirit in 90 degree weather.

 

Amy Grant is part of a new animated movie called All Creatures Big and Small. Grant announced this week that her voice is part of the free movie. It’s scheduled for release later this month. Grant says the animated kids movie features the untold story of Noah’s ark. She says: one ark, 50,000 animals. What could go wrong?

http://t.co/LPtcMC69SK

 

Aaron Shust is celebrating a milestone this week. His wife Sarah announced on Instagram that their son Michael can now speak. Michael has downs syndrome and has been officially stamped as non-verbal for the last 2 and a half years. Sarah says they had their first conversation on Monday.

 

For the first time in about a month, Jamie Grace was able to sleep in her own bed. And it sounds like she was enjoying a little break from the road. She tweeted that, when she was tired of being lazy, she got up, went downstairs, and laid on the couch.

 

Comedian and Gaither Vocal Band member Mark Lowry is giving you the chance to own his ride. He announced this week that his RV, affectionately call The Holy Roller, is now for sale.

http://t.co/oc8mcyStOG

 

Sidewalk Prophets guitarist Ben McDonald shared a picture of their new kitten recently and even let those who follow him on social media pick the cat’s name. After a poll Sunday evening fans chose the name Nova.

 

The band We As Human was dealing with an ailing bus as they struggled to make it to the Creation Festival. Members of the band say their A/C Compressor locked up, caught fire, and burned some wires and the belt, but the good news is they are all okay. The members of We As Human tweeted that they were trying to get a tow and figure out how to make it to festival.

 

Jamie Grace announced plans to travel more internationally earlier this year. Now she is announcing the first event in fulfillment of that announcement. Jamie says she will be in Trinidad this week. Jamie added: I can’t say when but I will be coming to other countries as soon as I can!

 

SanctusReal has found a unique way to use social media to expand their outreach. Front man Matt Hammitt announced over the weekend that band members would be broadcasting the concert live over the social media site Periscope. The site allows the broadcast of live video but, rather than just having one online stream, Matt said each of the members of SanctusReal would be broadcasting. That allowed followers to watch the concert through the eyes of each member of the band.

http://t.co/4VutI8ihW4

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Ex-homeless man with golden voice: I’m running for president    photo
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — A once-homeless Ohio man whose smooth radio voice made him an Internet sensation says he’s running for president as an independent. Ted Williams was propelled into the spotlight in 2011 after he appeared in a video by The Columbus Dispatch panhandling on a highway ramp…

 

Beekeepers set out to remove a million bees from NY home
WALLKILL, N.Y. (AP) — Beekeepers have quite the task ahead of them as they remove an estimated 1 million honey bees that have taken up residence at a New York home. HASH(0x13defb0) The Orange County family living there discovered the bees while they were clearing trees. They were preparing to…
New rainbow crosswalks support Philadelphia’s LGBT community    photo
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Rainbow-colored crosswalks have been painted in a gay neighborhood of Philadelphia known as the Gayborhood. HASH(0xd2e680) The crosswalks appeared Thursday morning. Backers say they were planned for some time. Philly Pride Presents senior adviser Chuck Volz says the…
Iowa man scratches off 2 winners in 1 day: $100,000 and $930
DUBUQUE, Iowa (AP) — A 75-year-old Dubuque man has scratched off two winning tickets in one day. One was worth $100,000, the other $930. HASH(0x13e1560) He said Wednesday that he intends to “buy my real estate up at the cemetery and a headstone,” and that he is thinking about buying a new…
Whirlpool forms near spillway on Texas-Oklahoma border
DENISON, Texas (AP) — Water draining into the spillway on a lake along the Texas-Oklahoma border has formed a whirlpool. The whirlpool formed on Lake Texoma near the Denison Dam spillway after heavy rains raised the lake to flood level. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Tulsa District manages…
Massachusetts State trooper meets colleague who saved him
FRAMINGHAM, Mass. (AP) — A veteran Massachusetts State Police trooper and the baby boy whose life he saved more than three decades ago were reunited this week, and through a strange twist of fate, that boy is now a fellow trooper. Al Balestra, 63, met and shook hands Tuesday with 32-year-old…
Stench from stinky fridge sends 11 to hospital
LEXINGTON, Ky. (AP) — A smelly refrigerator has prompted the decontamination of nearly a dozen people at the University of Kentucky. Multiple news sources report that 11 people were taken to the hospital on Wednesday after being exposed to chemicals inside the Dimock Animal Pathology building…
Firefighter accused of reporting fake fire to earn paycheck
SOUTH AMHERST, Ohio (AP) — Authorities say an Ohio auxiliary firefighter reported a fake fire so he could head to the scene and earn a paycheck, but a different department was dispatched instead and he is now facing charges. Twenty-seven-year old Dean Evans, of Lorain, is charged with…
Suit: Family flees home after getting letters from ‘Watcher’    photo
ELIZABETH, N.J. (AP) — A couple who says they were scared away from their new $1.4 million home because of creepy letters from a stalker has sued the sellers for not telling them about a person with a “mentally disturbed fixation” on the house. Derek and Maria Broaddus said the former owners…
News crew preparing for segment saves overdose victim’s life
WASHINGTON, Pa. (AP) — Police are crediting a Pittsburgh TV news crew with saving the life of an overdose victim by calling 911 and performing CPR on him before emergency responders could arrive. HASH(0x13ec810) Clark performed CPR while Sapida called 911. Clark says he was thinking, “OK, if…
Wacky fossil worm reveals secret: Which end is which?    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A bizarre-looking fossil worm that’s been a puzzle for scientists has given up a secret: Researchers now know which end is which. The giveaway was finding evidence of eyes and teeth in the black traces of carbon the creature left behind in ancient rock. The worm, called…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Coverage worries persist amid relief over health care ruling    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — Throughout the country, relief was the dominant emotion among consumers who get help from the government to lower their health insurance costs following Thursday’s Supreme Court ruling upholding the subsidies underpinning President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul. Many…

 

With court defeat, GOP health law effort now aimed at ’16    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court’s resounding rejection of a conservative attempt to gut President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul won’t stop Republicans from attacking the law they detest. But now, their efforts will be chiefly about teeing up the issue for the 2016 presidential and…
Obama and Roberts legacies intertwined in health care law    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The chief justice who once mangled President Barack Obama’s oath of office has once again helped rescue the president’s signature achievement, his health care law. After an awkward first encounter, these two Harvard Law graduates who rose to high positions of power from…
Other legal challenges to health overhaul remain
WASHINGTON (AP) — If you thought the legal fight over the health care overhaul was finally over, think again. At least four issues related to the Affordable Care Act still are being sorted out in the courts, although none seems to pose the same threat to the law as the challenge to nationwide…
Obama health care law survives second Supreme Court fight    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Supreme Court sent a clear message Thursday that President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul is here to stay, rejecting a major challenge that would have imperiled the landmark law and health insurance for millions of Americans. Whether you call it the Affordable Care…
Excerpts from the Supreme Court’s health care ruling    photo
Excerpts from the majority opinion of Chief Justice John Roberts and a dissent written by Justice Antonin Scalia in the Supreme Court’s 6-3 ruling Thursday that upheld the nationwide tax subsidies underpinning President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul: ___ ROBERTS “In a democracy, the power to…
Hospital stocks leap after Supreme Court backs overhaul
Investors in hospital stocks rejoiced Thursday after the Supreme Court upheld a key portion of President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul and eliminated the prospect of a sudden influx of uninsured patients seeking care. Shares of big hospital operators like HCA Holdings Inc. and Tenet…
California vaccine bill clears major legislative hurdle    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California’s Assembly on Thursday approved a hotly contested bill requiring that nearly all public schoolchildren be vaccinated, clearing one of its last major legislative obstacles before the measure heads to the desk of Gov. Jerry Brown. The bill aims to increase…
Judge blocks Kansas’ ban on 2nd-trimester abortion procedure    photo
TOPEKA, Kan. (AP) — A judge on Thursday blocked Kansas’ first-in-the-nation ban on an abortion procedure that opponents describe as dismembering a fetus, concluding that the law would likely present too big of an obstacle for women seeking to end their pregnancies. Shawnee County District…
Republicans push back against proposed dietary guidelines    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Congressional Republicans are pushing back against proposed dietary guidelines that urge Americans to consider the environment when deciding what foods to eat. House and Senate spending bills say the guidelines must focus only on nutrition and diet. That’s a clear effort to…
Panel gives weak endorsement of new meningitis shots    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — A federal panel gave a weak endorsement Wednesday to two expensive meningitis shots, declining to recommend that all teens get the vaccine and leaving the decision to parents and doctors. At a meeting in Atlanta, the panel approved a half-measure that says older teens and…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The creator of the pink plastic lawn flamingo has died. Donald Featherstone died last Monday at an elder care facility in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, after a long battle with dementia. He was 79.  *** Is it any surprise that someone who decorates their yard with pink plastic flamingos, has dementia?

 

Apple started removing a ton of apps and games featuring Confederate flags from its App Store Thursday. Apple says it has “removed apps from the App Store that use the Confederate flag in offensive or mean-spirited ways, which is in violation of our guidelines. We are not removing apps that display the Confederate flag for educational or historical uses.”  *** Meanwhile, reruns of Dukes of Hazzard to continue to be aired without issue.

 

Fox News has fired Sarah Palin for the second time in three years. The network on Wednesday confirmed that it had elected not to renew the former Alaska governor’s contract, which ran out on June 1st.  ***Wow – how wacky must you be that even Fox News finds you too wacky?

 

A White House reception for LGBT Pride Month was interrupted on Wednesday when a woman started shouting about President Obama’s immigration policies. The president responded by saying: “You’re in my house.” He added: “As a general rule, I am just fine with a few hecklers but not when I am up in the house.”  *** Man, somebody really needs to grab the reigns and keep Hillary under control!

 

Charlie Sheen went on a rant against ex-wife Denise Richards on Twitter last week, slamming her as the “worst mom alive” and an “evil terrorist sack of landfill” trash.  ***Good news everybody, Charlie Sheen is back to his old normal self!

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new study indicates that just about “everybody is doing it” – that is, checking personal e-mail and surfing the ‘Net while on the clock — and that includes bosses.  R. Kelly Garrett (one of the study’s authors and a professor at Ohio State University) says the study finds personal Internet use isn’t limited to slackers. ***MARLAR: Yeah… so stop bugging me when I’m playing online.  Donkey Kong might be good for my career.

 

Deep in a secure laboratory just outside Washington sits the federal government’s heaviest smoker.  It is a half-ton hulk of a machine, all brushed aluminum and gasping smoke holes, like a retrofit of equipment used on an Industrial Revolution production line. It can smoke 20 cigarettes at once and conclude which are unsafe because they are counterfeit and which are unsafe merely because they are cigarettes.  ***MARLAR: Well, it’s no wonder they are saying cigarettes are bad for you – it’s smoking 20 cigarettes at a time!  Doing anything to that extreme could likely kill you.  Like taking vitamins.  I took four at once the other day and almost choked to death.

 

A survey by Solutions Research Group found 63% of Blackberry and smartphone owners have used their device in the bathroom.  ***MARLAR: And the other 37% are dirty rotten liars.

 

How feasible is it for us to travel to the stars, like in Star Trek? The fact is, it would take a spacecraft traveling at the speed of light more than four years to reach the closest star. ***MARLAR: So if you make the trip you might want to pack a lunch because you’ll need more than the complimentary bag of honey roasted peanuts.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Semiconductors”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Fat Dad Spankings”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard saw some horses pass by and couldn’t help but admire their shoes. He even proclaimed his desire for a pair of those beautiful horseshoes out loud – and it was at that moment that a small badger appeared and told Millard that he could be of assistance…

 

CLOSE: Well, it looks like Gruffy may end up with a new pair of shoes now as well! What a great salesman that badger is! Come to think of it, I could use a new pair of shoes myself. Join us next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 4/5, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson had voiced his disgust over having to work so much – he was tired of it and didn’t want to work anymore. Now he’s on Razzleflabbin Island, and his friends Karl and Olaf are showing him their new weekly calendar clock-tower…

 

CLOSE: Every day could be Saturday… we all wish that from time to time, don’t we? But would it really be a good thing? Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Some men can’t be trusted to wash their own work clothes.

A Dutch man left his house without a roof and windows when he decided to remove grease stains from his jumper the man’s way… by using a lot of gasoline on the stain. He then threw the jumper into the washing machine, where the gasoline reacted with the detergent causing a massive explosion. He wasn’t hurt, but his house does need a new roof and windows now. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the stains are gone.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN THINGS STORE EMPLOYEES SAY YET REALLY MEAN

 

  1. “Can I help you get a size?” (Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)9. “Do you need help with anything?” (Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

    8. “Welcome!” (Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)

    7. “Have a nice day!” (Now that you ruined mine.)

    6. “Thank you for shopping with us.” (Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

    5. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?” (The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

    4. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?” (Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)

    3. “Can I help you get something down?” (I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)

    2. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it.” (You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

    1. “No, we don’t have any more in the back.” (I just don’t want to check.)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Down in El Cajon, California, the manager of a shoe store saved the day by giving a would-be-robber the boot… literally.

 

FILE #1: …The suspect entered Boot World, approached a clerk, pulled out what appeared to be a gun and announced the robbery. The manager suddenly sprang into action and began throwing boxes of boots as the suspect pointed the weapon at several employees. Finally the pelting of footwear became too much and the robber fled. Police found him minutes later hiding in a utility room behind another business. Turns out his weapon of choice was nothing more than a BB pistol.

 

FILE #2: In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cashregister, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall… Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.

 

FILE #3: It was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. Instead, their wedding day ended with a brawl. Police were called when a fight broke out at a couple’s wedding reception in Westlake, Ohio. The fight started when the bride’s father introduced his new son-in-law by the wrong name. It ended with about 10 police officers trying to calm the guests down. The bridegroom’s father and a friend of the groom were charged with drunken disorderly conduct. No one was seriously hurt. ***MARLAR: It’s always a nice touch when mugshots are also included in your wedding album.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Jonesboro, GA, it is illegal to say “Oh, Boy.”

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A bank teller receives more than just a monetary deposit.

Authorities said a man using the drive-through at a Tallahassee bank deposited $200 and a small bag containing marijuana and cocaine. Police said an employee at the Wachovia Bank called police after the unusual deposit. An officer arrested a 38-year-old man and found the remnants of three marijuana cigarettes inside his vehicle.  It’s not clear why the man included the drugs with his deposit.  ***MARLAR: I’m guessing his brain was on drugs.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Have you ever tried to get fired? A friend of mine is thinking about doing it on purpose so he can collect unemployment as he looks for a better job. Have you ever purposely gotten yourself fired? How’d you do it?

 

The 1980’s… what do you remember most fondly about the 80’s? The hairstyles? The fashions? The music? The gadgets and technologies?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Abimelech destroyed what city?

ANSWER: Shechem (Judges 9:39 & 45)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: 47% of us say we’ll do this if nobody is watching. What is it that we’ll do?

ANSWER: Drink from the carton

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Kitsap County, Washington’s first hotel was called the Slaughter House. (True. Kitsap County was originally called Slaughter County, and the first hotel there was called the Slaughter House.)

 

  1. Ninety percent of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment. (False – ten percent0

 

  1. A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet. (True)

 

  1. A poll of 3,000 Americans found that the #1 fear is spiders. (False – it’s speaking before a group of people. Next came the fear of heights.)

 

  1. For those Americans who admit to reading in the bathroom, the preferred reading material is “The Bathroom Reader.” (False – “Reader’s Digest”)

 

  1. George W. Bush was the shortest U.S. President. (False – it was James Madison, 5 feet, 4 inches tall. Abraham Lincoln was the tallest at six feet, 4 inches.)

 

  1. Julius Caesar and Napoleon Bonaparte both suffered from epilepsy. (True)

 

  1. Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand. (True)

 

  1. If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of oxygen deprivation. (False – you’ll die of carbon dioxide poisoning before you will die of oxygen deprivation.)

 

  1. Panama hats come from Ecuador not Panama. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“KIM KARDASHIAN’S _____ EXPLODES!” (BUTT)

(Weekly Word News, June 24, 2011) Tragedy struck Kim Kardashian last night on a private flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas.  Her left butt cheek exploded.  Many have debated for years whether Kardashian has had butt implants or not, but the proof was in the rupturing last night when Kim’s pilot took the Gulfstream 5 above 38,000 feet to avoid turbulence.  When implants fly above this altitude they have been known  to rupture, and that’s exactly what happened to Kardashian.  As she reached for her third deep-fried Oreo cookie, she felt a “bang” in her butt.  The implant burst and her cheek immediately began to sag.  Pilots cleared the runway for an emergency landing at North Las Vegas Airport.  Kim was taken to Sunrise Hospital on Maryland Parkway.  There almost was total chaos at the hospital when the staff was unable to find a female plastic surgeon whose first name began with the letter “K” (as Kris demanded) but soon Dr. Karen Engeman showed up and replaced Kim’s left cheek implant.  “We’ve had a few cases like this before,” said Dr. Engeman.  “It’s not always safe to fly with her butt filled with silicone, but Kim’s a brave woman.”  Kim is resting at her Las Vegas home today and is expected to make a “full” recovery.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A granddaughter is sitting on grandpa’s lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled. She finally asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”

“He sure did honey, a long time ago”, he replied.

“Well did God make me?” she said.

“Yes he did and that wasn’t too long ago,” he said.

She thought for a minute and then said, “Boy, he’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t he?”

 

JOKE #2

An 8 year old boy loved going to the Web, and he kept track of his passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.  His mom noticed that his Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and so she asked why it was so long.  “Because,” the boy explained, “they told me my password hat do have at least four characters.”

 

JOKE #3

Do you ever come up with a great comeback to something someone says to you a couple of hours AFTER they say it?  For example the other day a friend of ours said, “Our dogs are our children!”  Two hours later I realized I should have said, “Well, don’t look now, but your daughter is drinking out of the toilet.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The 4th of July is just a few days away – the day all of America celebrates its independence. ***MARLAR: With fireworks from Taiwan, flags from Hong Kong, barbecue grills imported from Japan…

 

In Northern parts of China it was once a common practice to shave pigs. When the evenings got cold the Chinese would take a pig to bed with them for warmth and found it more comfortable if the pig was clean-shaven. ***MARLAR: If the only solution you can think of to keep warm is to sleep with a pig, you have more problems than just being cold.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

TRANSLATION

A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie — until it played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
“I don’t think I am being paid enough for this part!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Parents and sports just don’t seem to get along anymore…

A Nebraska basketball coach is advocating parental code of conduct classes that need to be taken before a kid can play sports.  Earlier this year, he punched a parent who cussed at him and poked him after a game.  While he takes responsibility for his actions, he hopes that incidents like this can be avoided.  Believe it or not, this is the actual “PARENTAL CODE OF CONDUCT”.  It’s sad we even have to put these items in writing for parents…

  • Leave all deadly weapons at home.
  • Do not heckle the other team, even by saying “We need a pitcher, not a belly itcher.”
  • Do not wait for umpires, coaches, or referees in the parking lot.  Ditto for slashing their tires.
  • Keep your hands to yourself.
  • Limit yourself to three beers during the game.
  • Do not ask a five year old if he wants to “take it outside.”
  • Do not tell your daughter she “throws like a girl.”
  • Pretend the game is rated PG.
  • Don’t make your kid cry in front of the whole team.
  • And I’d like to add one item from my own personal experience growing up… don’t embarrass your child at half-time by making him take off his helmet so you can comb his hair in front of the whole team.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am.” –Psalm 139:1-3

What comfort and fear it should bring to know that God is intimately acquainted with both our every move and also our every mistake! He sent Elijah to intercept the messengers of Ahaziah and to inform them of God’s verdict on his injury (2 Kings 1:4). Nothing was hidden from God’s eyes, even things intended to be kept secret. Through a revelation given by the Holy Spirit, the prophets of Jericho and Bethel discerned that Elijah would be taken to heaven on the very day that he eventually was (2 Kings 2:3, 5). God knows your every step and misstep, and He even records your actions in His book before one of them comes to be (Psalm 139:16). Wherever you go, whatever you do today, God’s Spirit will be there, observing, helping, and protecting. Relax in His great omniscience, and walk carefully. The greatest miracle of all is that He knows you intimately and still loves you unconditionally! –Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WARNINGS IN THE WORD

READ: Proverbs 13:1-14

“The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death.” Proverbs 13:14

Swans frequently visit Mill Pond, England, where RBC Regional Director Howard Liverance lives. He writes, “It’s a beautiful place . . . where ducks, geese, and other waterfowl frolic playfully.” Yet even in this idyllic setting there has been danger. Across one corner of the pond are some power lines. A number of swans have been killed because they didn’t see them as they approached the pond.

Howard talked with some people about this problem, and eventually the power company installed red flags on the lines. Now the swans can see the danger and avoid it. Since the red flags were installed, not a single swan has died.

God has provided some “red flags” for our protection. The book of Proverbs is filled with warnings about evil and encourages us to seek wisdom. In Proverbs 13:1-14, we find several red flags, including:

Don’t ignore instruction and rebuke (v.1).

Guard your mouth (v.3).

Beware of the pursuit of riches (v.7).

Avoid dishonesty (v.11).

Don’t disrespect God’s Word (v.13).

The Word of God “is a fountain of life, to turn [us] away from the snares of death” (v.14). —Anne Cetas

 

God’s warnings are to protect us, not to punish us.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

WALKING SHOES
A new device may allow you talk on your cell-phone without ever running out of power…

…it’s not a new battery — it’s a pair of boots. The electric shoes have an energy dynamo inside the soles to generate power and then release it in a controlled way to power a phone. The shoes developed by Dr. Jim Gilbert, are so powerful they can also run personal stereos, computers, heaters and navigation systems. Gilbert says about 3 watts of electricity are needed to power a cell phone. The trick is for the shoes to be able generate enough power without requiring the person to walk anymore than usual. The boots will undergo an endurance test next with a walk in the desert to see if they can work under extreme conditions. If successful, the shoes could be used by military units in the future. They also have plans to market them commercially. ***MARLAR: “These boots are made for talking…”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

10 JOBS WHERE WOMEN EARN MORE THAN MEN

(National Examiner) Women have struggled for years to get equal pay for equal work. But too often, it seems, the ladies come up on the short end of the salary scale. However, the roles are reversed in these 10 fields, where, according to a report by CNNMoney.com gals actually tend to out earn the guys. Ladies, check out this list to see where you may want to try to get your next paycheck:

  • TELEPHONE OPERATOR — Women ring up an average income of $22,152 annually, a significant 21% more than the men, who average $18,356.
  • METER READER — Women earn about $36,348 a year, 15% more than the men’s average of $31,668.
  • MOTION-PICTURE PROJECTIONIST – The ladies generally get about $35,412 annually, 27% more than the guys, who tend to pocket about $27,924.
  • LIBRARY ASSISTANT — Women average $23,608, while men make $18,512, which is 28% less.
  • FUNERAL SERVICES WORKER — Women tend to get about $30,108, 23% more than the guys’ $24,492.
  • FOOD BATCH MAKER — Ladies are ladled out an average compensation of $27,872, which is 19% more than the $23,400 men receive.
  • CROSSING GUARD — Women average $18,824 annually, whereas men tend to get about $16,640, which is 13% less.
  • CONSTRUCTION TRADES HELPER — Gals in this field earn an average $26,936, which is 24% more than the guys’ average of $21,736.
  • HUMAN RESOURCES ASSISTANT — Women are getting an average $30,420, while their male counterparts are earning $28,028, 9% less.
  • GAMING SERVICES WORKER — Women who roll the dice in this field average $24,076, which is 8% more than the men’s average of $22,308.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

EWWW…

Here’s the grossest excuse of all time…

…Veteran New England mobster Anthony St. Laurent, was recently arrested again in Providence, Rhode Island on loan-sharking charges. As with previous arrests, Anthony tried to convince the judge that he could not spend time in prison because of his special colorectal condition which required him to take 40 enemas a day! On top of that, it seems Anthony claimed his condition had worsened, in that he now claims to need “to have his stool removed, biweekly.” Interesting note — technically, biweekly means once every two weeks but it is often used incorrectly to mean twice a week. (Providence Journal)

 

 

FUN LIST

YOUR ODDS OF DYING…

  • Injury from fireworks: 19,556 to 1
  • Injury from shaving: 6,585 to 1
  • Injury from mowing the lawn: 3,623 to 1
  • Fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1
  • Drowning in a bathtub: 685,000 to 1
  • Being killed on a 5-mile bus trip: 500 million to 1
  • Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
  • Being struck by lightning: 576,000 to 1
  • Being killed by lightning: 2,320,000 to 1
  • Odds of being murdered: 18,000 to 1
  • Of dying from a car accident: 1 in 18,585
  • Of dying from any kind of fall: 1 in 20,666
  • Of dying from accidental drowning: 1 in 79,065
  • Of dying from exposure to smoke, fire, and flames: 1 in 81,524
  • Of dying in an explosion: 1 in 107,787

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!

According to the book “Danger Ahead: The Risks You Really Face in Everyday Life” (by Larry Lauden), the odds that:

  • Your TV will catch fire sometime this year: 1 in 7500
  • You will be forced to leave your home because of a flood: 1 in 4,000
  • You will crush a finger with a hammer: 1 in 3,000
  • Your doctor is not really a doctor: 1 in 50
  • You will have to have an operation that requires a hospital stay sometime this year: 1 in 12
  • Your elderly mother will come to live with you: 1 in 9
  • Your next meal will be from McDonalds: 1 in 8
  • Your child hates school: 1 in 3
  • (And here’s a disturbing one!) You will have some sort of mental problem in your lifetime: 1 in 2

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

Two sheriffs are suing a man for slander – after beating the man up and sending him to the hospital.

Two Frederick County, Virginia sheriffs pulled over who they thought was a drunk driver. They broke his truck’s window, sprayed the man with pepper stray, beat him with batons, and had a police dog attack him – leaving him with multiple bites and an extended hospital stay. Pretty harsh for pulling over a drunk driver, huh? It gets worse. The man they pulled over wasn’t really drunk… he was in a diabetic coma. At this point you’d think the officers would feel a little sorry about their actions, but no. This whole fiasco sparked a grand jury and Justice Department investigation, and these two Virginia sheriffs are now suing the victim for $68,000 – claiming that his complaints about the incident have hurt their careers.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(None On The Weekends)

 

Abortion clock – frightening if you think about it. (And you should.)

 

Insist on hating the wealthy 1%?  First be sure you’re not one of them. http://www.globalrichlist.com/

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And now, as a public service to the entire listening area (and internet community), I will end the show.

 

My next show is going to be so great I may stay home and listen to it myself.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 26, 2015…

 

Max—Bring handkerchief to theater.  This is the true story of Max, a military dog whose army handler was killed in action.  Can Max adjust to civilian life?  Do dogs in service also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?  The cast includes Thomas Haden Church and Lauren Graham. “Max” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for military theme and animal fans.

 

Ted 2—Most teddy bears are soft and cuddly, but this “Ted” is cuddly and foul-mouthed and made quite an impression on audiences. Hence, a sequel.  Ted is still with his buddy, Mark Wahlberg, but Ted wants to have a baby with his wife (Amanda Seyfreid) and in order to do this must be declared a real person.  Hmm.  This is a Seth MacFarlane film. Morgan Freeman is also in the cast. I think people looked strangely at their teddy bears for months after seeing the first “Ted.” This film, “Ted 2” is rated R, so be aware of that. No rating.

 

What Happened Miss Simone? (documentary)—Nina Simone was a class act singer and this documentary shows her career in music and in civil rights  The film is directed by Liz Garbus. “What Happened Miss Simons?” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Big Game—Samuel L. Jackson is the president of the United States and when his plane is shot down in the northern wilderness, what can he do to survive?  No drones available? He is helped by a boy (Onni Tommila) out hunting. What an idea for a plot. “Big Game” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JULY 01, 2016…

 

Terminator Genisys is a continuation of the “Terminator” films and also starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. What else is new? Oh, yes, and this film runs against Channing Tatum in the second “Magic Mike” movie.

 

Magic Mike XXL is a sequel to the first “Magic Mike” and will run against Schwarzenegger’s robot. “Mike” stars Channing Tatum.

 

# # # # #

 

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.