Sadly, after so many years, it is time to close down ONAIRprep as well as the audio feature “Daily Dose of Weird News”. I don’t wish to do so, but due to some health issues, I just cannot keep up with the demanding time it takes to put it all together each day. It was fun while it lasted but I need to re-prioritize my life to put other things first and take care of myself and my family.
So, the final day of ONAIRprep will be posted this coming Saturday, June 30th, to finish out the month. The final Daily Dose of Weird News audio feature will be posted Tuesday, June 26th.
You all have paid subscriptions, so you will need to cancel your subscriptions before you they get automatically renewed through PayPal. You can cancel your subscription immediately by unsubscribing through this link: http://ow.ly/ppcI30kF84t. It will require you to sign in to your PayPal account and cancel your subscription so you are not charged again. Do not worry, even if you unsubscribe today you will still be able to get the prep for the remainder of this month along with the prep below via links.
While the service is closing down, I do not want any of you to be at a loss for material – especially as many of you still have time left on your subscriptions. Too make up for that, I have uploaded all of the radio show prep from last year (2017) as well as everything that has been created so far this year (2018) into zip files for you to download and save to your hard drives. All of the ONAIRprep elements I use every single day are there and the only thing that would be different for each date would be the NEW news kickers which, of course, would be outdated – but the EVERGREEN news kickers could still be used for years to come. This gives you 90% of the prep which you can keep forever; just be sure to download these zip files sometime this week before the ONAIRprep portion of my website gets shut down. Here are links to the zip files…
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS: https://www.dropbox.com/s/lka38h583bwion7/AsTheJungleTurns.zip?dl=0
THE TICKET: If you would like to have Marie Asner continue to provide movie reviews for your show/station, you can email her directly at email@example.com.
If you have any questions, please let me know. It has been a true privilege to server each and every one of you, and to entertain your listeners through the writing I’ve done over the years. Someday I may be able to come back to this, as I know I’m going to miss it. But it appears God has other plans for me at this time.
Thank you in advance for your understanding, and God bless you, your station, and your listeners.
Sincerely Yours and HIS,
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I won’t say much on today’s program. I said so much yesterday I got a blister on my tongue.
Today is kind of an important day here at the radio station. I am very happy to announce we have now had 25 days without a CD related injury — and one whole year without a CD related fatality. Way to go guys!
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” –Philippians 3:20
[Spoken by Jesus] “…whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” — Matthew 16:25
But he [Jesus] said, “I must preach the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.” — Luke 4:43
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Blessings crown the head of the righteous, but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked. — Proverbs 10:6
Thought: Righteousness brings us great blessings. Violence becomes its own vile reward, bringing to those who use it what they have done to others. So what’s our choice? Blessing or violence? Encouragement or a foul mouth? So what’s the real choice? Letting God define character and not someone else.
Father, I want to live your life to please you, to bring your Kingdom a blessing, and to help others see that violence is destructive to themselves, to others, and also to the little children. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
John 6:29 NIV
Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”
TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 29, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 178 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is ELVIS PRESLEY BOULEVARD DAY. The City of Memphis voted to name a 12-mile portion of the street that passes Graceland in honor of Elvis. Street signs disappeared immediately.
Today is REMOTE CONTROL DAY. ***A favorite observance of couch potatoes everywhere.
Today is WAFFLE IRON DAY. ***It’s not Waffle Day – but Waffle IRON Day. So what fun is that? “Hey, look Bill, I have a shiny waffle iron for you to look at!”
Today is REMEMBER THE 80’S DAY. ***I’ll never forget the 80’s. I remember once in 1987 when I decided to clean my room. (audio clip – Kerri Pomarolli)
TODAY IS ALSO…
Drive Your Corvette to Work Day
World Scleroderma Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
SATURDAY, JUNE 30
California Avocado Day
National Haskap Berry Day
Leap Second Time Adjustment Day
National Meteor Watch Day
NOW (National Organization For Women) Day
Social Media Day
SUNDAY, JULY 01
Estee Lauder Day
Fast of Tammuz
Hop A Park Day
National GSA Employee Day
National Postal Workers Day
Resolution Renewal Day
Second Half of The Year Day
U.S. Postage Stamp Day
Zip Code Day
MONDAY, JULY 02
I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
Second Half of The Year Day
World UFO Day
TUESDAY, JULY 03
Compliment Your Mirror Day
International Plastic Bag Free Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
WEDNESDAY, JULY 04
Boom Box Parade Day
Fourth of July or Independence Day
Independence From Meat Day
THURSDAY, JULY 05
Work Without Your Hands Day
FRIDAY, JULY 06
Earth at Aphelion
Fried Chicken Day
International Kissing Day or World Kiss Day
Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day
SATURDAY, JULY 07
Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day
Global Forgiveness Day
International Day of Cooperatives
International Cherry Pit Spitting Day
Tell The Truth Day
Victims of The Dallas, Texas Attack Day
SUNDAY, JULY 08
Coca Cola Day
Math 2.0 Day
ON THIS DAY
1838: To mark Queen Victoria’s coronation the day before, the British newspaper The Sun published its entire issue with gold ink.
1863: The very first First National Bank opened in Davenport, Iowa. ***Which means every other First National Bank is just living a hideous lie.
1940: The first issue of “Batman” was published. ***Only hours later, the joke “Oh, he was in the batroom” was told for the first time.
1953: Congress passed the Highway Act. ***Which resulted in the construction of dozens of freeways, allowing millions of people to drive slower than ever before.
1956: Dressed in a tux and tails on Steve Allen’s TV variety show, Elvis Presley sang “Hound Dog” to a basset hound sitting on a stool. ***Which was appropriate since all the women in the audience were howling too.
1978: Actor Bob Crane was murdered in a Scottsdale, Arizona, motel room. A former deejay, he starred as Col. Robert Hogan on TV’s “Hogan’s Heroes.” (audio clip)
1983: History’s oldest caged rabbit died in Longford, Tasmania. Flopsy was 18 years 11 months old. ***He was survived by 37,298 sons, daughters, grandchildren, great grandchildren…
1983: Prince Mongo of the uncharted planet of Zambodia, accused of tampering with an electric meter in Memphis, was sentenced to 10 days for contempt when he appeared in court wearing green body paint, a fur loincloth, gold goggles, and carrying a skull under one arm. Later that year Prince Mongo ran for mayor of Memphis and got 2,650 votes.
1986: In Louisville, Kentucky a man arrested for drunk driving claimed to be legally blind and that the car was actually being driven by his dog, Sir Anheuser Busch II. He served 30 days in jail.
1991: A company called Longest Taco Tico made the world’s longest burrito in Newton, Kansas. They used 2,557 tortillas, 75 pounds of cheese, and 607 pounds of refried beans to build the 1,598-foot burrito. ***It’s now illegal in Newton, Kansas to use a lighter.
1992: Doctors in Pittsburgh reported the first transplant of a baboon’s liver into a human patient. The 35-year-old recipient survived three months.
1994: Robert Shepard escaped from the South Central Regional Jail in Charleston, West Virginia, by scaling an 18-foot wall using a rope made from dental floss purchased at the jail store. He was recaptured a month later. The jail store no longer sells dental floss. ***And building a rope out of toothbrushes is proving quite a bit more difficult.
2002: President George W. Bush transferred presidential powers to Vice President Dick Cheney for more than two hours during a routine colon screening.
2003: Actress Katherine Hepburn died in Old Saybrook, Connecticut at age 96. She won a record four Oscars for best actress.
2005: A group of half-naked animal rights demonstrators got plenty of attention in Madrid’s historic Puerta del Sol square in a protest against bullfighting. Five young women carrying “Stop the Bloody Bullfights” signs wore only panties and had plastic bull horns on their heads. The protesters claimed 70,000 bulls a year were killed in bullfights in Spain.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1757: Anglican clergyman and hymnwriter John Newton wrote ina letter: “Whatever we may undertake with a sincere desire to promote His glory, we may comfortably pursue. Nothing is trivial that is done for Him.”
1810: In Bradford, Massachusetts, the first U.S. missionary society was organized: the American Board of Commissioners for Foreign Missions.
1875: The first “holiness” conference opened at Keswick, England. Keswick conferences stress a non-charismatic, “crisis” form of sanctification, in contrast to the older traditional view of Christian sanctification as being a lifelong “process.”
1908: Birth of Cyrus H. Gordon, American Jewish archaeological scholar. Having taught Assyriology and Egyptology at Dropsie College in Philadelphia, his his technical writings include the Ugaritic Handbook (1947).
1931: The Unevangelized Fields Mission was founded, in England. UFM missionaries today work primarily in Latin America, Europe and Africa, as well as in Haiti and Indonesia.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
Actor/comedian (“Saturday Night Live”) Colin Jost, 36
Actress (“L.A. Law”) Amanda Donohoe, 56 (audio clip)
Actress (“NYPD Blue”) Sharon Lawrence, 57 (audio clip)
Politician/actor (Gopher on “The Love Boat”) Fred Grandy, 70 (audio clip)
Actor/comedian (Robin Hood: Men In Tights) Richard Lewis, 71
actor (The Buddy Holly Story, Lethal Weapon, Silver Bullet) Gary Busey is 74
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1901 : Nelson Eddy
1910 : Frank Loesser
1911 : Bernard Herrmann
1922 : Elmer J. “Mousey” Alexander
1922 : Ralph Burns
1935 : Lee (Shirley & Lee)
1938 : Billy Storm (The Valiants, The Alley Cats)
1940 : L. Russell Brown
1942 : Gilberto Gil
1943 : Little Eva
1943 : Roger Spear (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)
1947 : Carlo Santanna (Paper Lace)
1948 : Ian Paice (Deep Purple, Whitesnake)
1948 : Derv Gordon (The Equals)
1948 : Lincoln Gordon (The Equals)
1953 : Colin Hay (Men at Work)
1954 : Billy Hinsche (Dino, Desi & Billy)
1960 : Evelyn “Champagne” King
1964 : Stedman Pearson (Five Star)
1978 : Nicole Scherzinger (Pussycat Dolls)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why do some comedians leave us in “stitches?”
Have you heard this joke? What do you call a man who wears a mask and carries a knife? Answer: a surgeon. Ok, ok, but it does leave some people in “stitches.” Why? What does laughing hard have to do with getting sewn up? The answer is in the etymology of stitches, which ain’t no laughing matter. Stitches evolved from a Germanic word that meant to stick or jab with a sharp point. Did you ever notice that when you really laugh hard your ribs can hurt? That common cramping or stabbing feeling suggests the pain you might experience from being stuck in the ribs by something sharp. Hence the laughter leaves you in “stitches.” By the way, don’t even think about it. Your HMO won’t cover it.
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(PERENNIAL) AAA says that 37.5 million Americans will hit the road this long holiday weekend. ***Which sounds like a great reason to stay home!
A survey of America’s commuters reveals some interesting facts. Chief among them: many folks text and drive. ***At least, I think that’s what the story said – it was hard to read it on my phone while driving in this morning.
Researchers have identified a gene that can cause symptoms of major depression and said it may be possible to use gene therapy to counteract its effects. ***Yeah… tight jeans on me gives me the blues too.
High school students spend three hours or more on the average school day playing video or computer games or using a computer for something other than school work. ***Although it can be argued that these kids were simply preparing for the future and will be more ready than the rest of us when the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse finally does take place.
Around 20% of Americans are on Internet almost constantly. ***Fess up – you’re listening to my on the web right now, ain’t ya?
There’s research that indicates the active ingredient that gives chillies their kick can surround cancer cells and kill them off which could help develop a cure for cancer. ***Unfortunately, the pills leave your mouth on fire and no amount of water seems to be a relief.
Dieters who weighed themselves at least weekly lost more weight than those who didn’t, according to research from the Minneapolis Heart Institute Foundation. ***But weighting yourself regularly also makes you more likely to suffer from depression.
A gene linked to sticky ear wax and excessive underarm odor may indicate a higher risk of cancer. The study may give doctors another tool for predicting cancer risk. The researchers arrived at their conclusion by tracking a protein created by a gene which is associated with cancer. The ear wax and odor problems may become lifesaving clues to the early detection and treatment of cancer. ***Assuming your doctor can stomach being close enough to examine you, you waxy, smelly freak.
After decades of debate it seems we may finally have a definitive winner in the “over vs. under” toilet paper draping debate. Writer Owen Williams has pointed out that Seth Wheeler’s original patent for his perforated toilet paper invention in 1891 shows the paper in an “over” position, indicating that that is how it’s meant to be used. ***And now countless marriages will be saved.
A poll has found that up to three-quarters of councils in Britain are planning to turn off street lamps or dim the lights in an attempt to save money and meet climate change targets. But police fear that darkened streets will act as a haven for burglars, muggers and vandals – and motoring experts warn that there may be more accidents on the roads. ***es, you might get mugged and get in horrible car accidents… but it’s for the good of the planet, so stop your whining!
While many factors make up human self-identity, most Americans agree the primary factor that makes up their identity is family. According to a Barna report, nearly two-thirds of Americans say their family makes up “a lot” of their personal identity. ***So if you have a strong identity and love your life, you can look to your family for that. If you have a lousy identity and a terrible life… you can look to your family for that.
You know how people say that men are ALWAYS objectifying women? Well, they are. And women do it too. According to a study from Science Daily – from their lips, nips and hips to their toe tips, a gal will eyeball a woman as a collection of body parts nearly as readily as a man. ***(Sigh.) Women can be so shallow.
Trying to meet a man at the gym? If you’re not having much luck, check your ears. Not for cleanliness — for audio player ear buds. In a survey, guys say when a woman’s blasting tunes into her ears they take it as a sign she doesn’t want to be bothered. ***In other words, if you want to meet “Mr. Right”, you’ll want to leave “Mr. Mister” at home.
Researchers went undercover to watch parents out in the wild, and they came to the conclusion that parents using smartphones tend to ignore their children. ***Nonsense! They are answering their kids’ texts, replying to their Facebook posts, and retweeting their selfies! Have you seen parents on Facebook and Twitter? Every other post is ABOUT their kids!
The most challenging part of any weight loss program is actually staying in the program. Close to half of us drop out of weight loss programs before achieving the desired results. The main reason is the feeling we’ve gone as far as we can go with the program. If we feel we won’t lose more weight, we’ll give up. ***That’s why my weight loss goal is to not have a goal. That way I’m never disappointed!
A new broccoli pill is said to prevent deaths from strokes. ***Which sounds great – except for that broccoli part. Why can’t they make pills taste like chocolate?
10% of Americans don’t have a cell phone. ***You can easily spot them – they’re the people actually making eye contact & talking to each other.
Lead in toys has been more frequently reported as of late, but that’s not the only way people can be exposed to the dangerous metal. Some soils can be contaminated and then be carried indoors accidentally, drinking water can pick up lead from pipes in older homes, foods and liquids in lead crystal or lead-glazed containers can pick up the metal, some folk remedies contain lead, and lead is also used in some pottery or stained glass projects or refinishing furniture. ***We would’ve had you grab a pencil to write all of that down, but pencils contain lead.
You’re a 16th-century German prince plotting to crush a peasant rebellion, or perhaps you’re leading an army against the Ottoman Empire or looking to settle the score with a rival nobleman. What’s a guy looking for a tactical edge to do? Bring on the rocket cats! Fanciful illustrations from a circa-1530 manual on artillery and siege warfare seem to show jetpacks strapped to the backs of cats and doves, with the German-language text helpfully advising military commanders to use them to “set fire to a castle or city which you can’t get at otherwise.” ***Using the cats is particularly economical, as you can set them ablaze and send them over the wall nine times before they expire.
Attention business owners: a new survey claims that a huge numbers of customers are dumping firms who use automated telephone help-lines. 60% of those surveyed said they switched services in the past year because of waiting on the telephone. ***I’d love to switch away from my mobile company… but I have to do it through an automated system.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey, after trying hundreds of different ways to beat Steve Mozart, finally gave up. He even decided at the last moment not to sabotage Steve Mozart’s concert – even though Mozart’s latest hit song was exactly like the one Millard wrote. Millard, sadly, went home…
CLOSE: Could it be true? Could all of Steve Mozart’s original ideas actually be MILLARD’S original ideas? Could it be that Millard is the true genius, and Steve Mozart is nothing but a low-life, paper-rifling thief? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE (finished out the story line)
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey, feeling defeated because he could never come up with a way to beat Steve Mozart, no matter how hard he tried, walked sadly back to his tree-house. But when he opened the door, he found an intruder rifling through this filing cabinets… it was Steve Mozart!
CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Some men can’t be trusted to wash their own work clothes.
A Dutch man left his house without a roof and windows when he decided to remove grease stains from his jumper the man’s way… by using a lot of gasoline on the stain. He then threw the jumper into the washing machine, where the gasoline reacted with the detergent causing a massive explosion. He wasn’t hurt, but his house does need a new roof and windows now. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, the stains are gone.
TOP TEN THINGS STORE EMPLOYEES SAY YET REALLY MEAN
- “Can I help you get a size?” (Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your hands messing it up again.)
9. “Do you need help with anything?” (Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)
8. “Welcome!” (Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair of socks.)
7. “Have a nice day!” (Now that you ruined mine.)
6. “Thank you for shopping with us.” (Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)
5. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?” (The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)
4. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?” (Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even shopping here?)
3. “Can I help you get something down?” (I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice customer put in the absolute wrong place.)
2. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it.” (You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)
1. “No, we don’t have any more in the back.” (I just don’t want to check.)
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Down in El Cajon, California, the manager of a shoe store saved the day by giving a would-be-robber the boot… literally.
FILE #1: …The suspect entered Boot World, approached a clerk, pulled out what appeared to be a gun and announced the robbery. The manager suddenly sprang into action and began throwing boxes of boots as the suspect pointed the weapon at several employees. Finally the pelting of footwear became too much and the robber fled. Police found him minutes later hiding in a utility room behind another business. Turns out his weapon of choice was nothing more than a BB pistol.
FILE #2: In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn’t get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn’t fire. Grabbing the cashregister, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall… Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.
FILE #3: It was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives. Instead, their wedding day ended with a brawl. Police were called when a fight broke out at a couple’s wedding reception in Westlake, Ohio. The fight started when the bride’s father introduced his new son-in-law by the wrong name. It ended with about 10 police officers trying to calm the guests down. The bridegroom’s father and a friend of the groom were charged with drunken disorderly conduct. No one was seriously hurt. ***MARLAR: It’s always a nice touch when mugshots are also included in your wedding album.
STRANGE LAW: In Jonesboro, GA, it is illegal to say “Oh, Boy.”
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
A bank teller receives more than just a monetary deposit.
Authorities said a man using the drive-through at a Tallahassee bank deposited $200 and a small bag containing marijuana and cocaine. Police said an employee at the Wachovia Bank called police after the unusual deposit. An officer arrested a 38-year-old man and found the remnants of three marijuana cigarettes inside his vehicle. It’s not clear why the man included the drugs with his deposit. ***MARLAR: I’m guessing his brain was on drugs.
Have you ever tried to get fired? A friend of mine is thinking about doing it on purpose so he can collect unemployment as he looks for a better job. Have you ever purposely gotten yourself fired? How’d you do it?
The 1980’s… what do you remember most fondly about the 80’s? The hairstyles? The fashions? The music? The gadgets and technologies?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Abimelech destroyed what city?
ANSWER: Shechem (Judges 9:39 & 45)
QUESTION: 47% of us say we’ll do this if nobody is watching. What is it that we’ll do?
ANSWER: Drink from the carton
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Kitsap County, Washington’s first hotel was called the Slaughter House. (True. Kitsap County was originally called Slaughter County, and the first hotel there was called the Slaughter House.)
- Ninety percent of all human beings ever born are alive at this very moment. (False – ten percent0
- A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet. (True)
- A poll of 3,000 Americans found that the #1 fear is spiders. (False – it’s speaking before a group of people. Next came the fear of heights.)
- For those Americans who admit to reading in the bathroom, the preferred reading material is “The Bathroom Reader.” (False – “Reader’s Digest”)
- George W. Bush was the shortest U.S. President. (False – it was James Madison, 5 feet, 4 inches tall. Abraham Lincoln was the tallest at six feet, 4 inches.)
- Julius Caesar and Napoleon Bonaparte both suffered from epilepsy. (True)
- Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand. (True)
- If you are locked in a completely sealed room, you will die of oxygen deprivation. (False – you’ll die of carbon dioxide poisoning before you will die of oxygen deprivation.)
- Panama hats come from Ecuador not Panama. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
“KIM KARDASHIAN’S _____ EXPLODES!” (BUTT)
(Weekly Word News, June 24, 2011) Tragedy struck Kim Kardashian last night on a private flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas. Her left butt cheek exploded. Many have debated for years whether Kardashian has had butt implants or not, but the proof was in the rupturing last night when Kim’s pilot took the Gulfstream 5 above 38,000 feet to avoid turbulence. When implants fly above this altitude they have been known to rupture, and that’s exactly what happened to Kardashian. As she reached for her third deep-fried Oreo cookie, she felt a “bang” in her butt. The implant burst and her cheek immediately began to sag. Pilots cleared the runway for an emergency landing at North Las Vegas Airport. Kim was taken to Sunrise Hospital on Maryland Parkway. There almost was total chaos at the hospital when the staff was unable to find a female plastic surgeon whose first name began with the letter “K” (as Kris demanded) but soon Dr. Karen Engeman showed up and replaced Kim’s left cheek implant. “We’ve had a few cases like this before,” said Dr. Engeman. “It’s not always safe to fly with her butt filled with silicone, but Kim’s a brave woman.” Kim is resting at her Las Vegas home today and is expected to make a “full” recovery.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A granddaughter is sitting on grandpa’s lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled. She finally asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago”, he replied.
“Well did God make me?” she said.
“Yes he did and that wasn’t too long ago,” he said.
She thought for a minute and then said, “Boy, he’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t he?”
An 8 year old boy loved going to the Web, and he kept track of his passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. His mom noticed that his Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and so she asked why it was so long. “Because,” the boy explained, “they told me my password hat do have at least four characters.”
Do you ever come up with a great comeback to something someone says to you a couple of hours AFTER they say it? For example the other day a friend of ours said, “Our dogs are our children!” Two hours later I realized I should have said, “Well, don’t look now, but your daughter is drinking out of the toilet.”
The 4th of July is just a few days away – the day all of America celebrates its independence. ***With fireworks from Taiwan, flags from Hong Kong, barbecue grills imported from Japan…
In Northern parts of China it was once a common practice to shave pigs. When the evenings got cold the Chinese would take a pig to bed with them for warmth and found it more comfortable if the pig was clean-shaven. ***If the only solution you can think of to keep warm is to sleep with a pig, you have more problems than just being cold.
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie — until it played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
“I don’t think I am being paid enough for this part!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Parents and sports just don’t seem to get along anymore…
A Nebraska basketball coach is advocating parental code of conduct classes that need to be taken before a kid can play sports. Earlier this year, he punched a parent who cussed at him and poked him after a game. While he takes responsibility for his actions, he hopes that incidents like this can be avoided. Believe it or not, this is the actual “PARENTAL CODE OF CONDUCT”. It’s sad we even have to put these items in writing for parents…
Leave all deadly weapons at home.
Do not heckle the other team, even by saying “We need a pitcher, not a belly itcher.”
Do not wait for umpires, coaches, or referees in the parking lot. Ditto for slashing their tires.
Keep your hands to yourself.
Limit yourself to three beers during the game.
Do not ask a five year old if he wants to “take it outside.”
Do not tell your daughter she “throws like a girl.”
Pretend the game is rated PG.
Don’t make your kid cry in front of the whole team.
And I’d like to add one item from my own personal experience growing up… don’t embarrass your child at half-time by making him take off his helmet so you can comb his hair in front of the whole team.
“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am.” –Psalm 139:1-3
What comfort and fear it should bring to know that God is intimately acquainted with both our every move and also our every mistake! He sent Elijah to intercept the messengers of Ahaziah and to inform them of God’s verdict on his injury (2 Kings 1:4). Nothing was hidden from God’s eyes, even things intended to be kept secret. Through a revelation given by the Holy Spirit, the prophets of Jericho and Bethel discerned that Elijah would be taken to heaven on the very day that he eventually was (2 Kings 2:3, 5). God knows your every step and misstep, and He even records your actions in His book before one of them comes to be (Psalm 139:16). Wherever you go, whatever you do today, God’s Spirit will be there, observing, helping, and protecting. Relax in His great omniscience, and walk carefully. The greatest miracle of all is that He knows you intimately and still loves you unconditionally! –Larry Stockstill
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WARNINGS IN THE WORD
READ: Proverbs 13:1-14
“The law of the wise is a fountain of life, to turn one away from the snares of death.” Proverbs 13:14
Swans frequently visit Mill Pond, England, where RBC Regional Director Howard Liverance lives. He writes, “It’s a beautiful place . . . where ducks, geese, and other waterfowl frolic playfully.” Yet even in this idyllic setting there has been danger. Across one corner of the pond are some power lines. A number of swans have been killed because they didn’t see them as they approached the pond.
Howard talked with some people about this problem, and eventually the power company installed red flags on the lines. Now the swans can see the danger and avoid it. Since the red flags were installed, not a single swan has died.
God has provided some “red flags” for our protection. The book of Proverbs is filled with warnings about evil and encourages us to seek wisdom. In Proverbs 13:1-14, we find several red flags, including:
Don’t ignore instruction and rebuke (v.1).
Guard your mouth (v.3).
Beware of the pursuit of riches (v.7).
Avoid dishonesty (v.11).
Don’t disrespect God’s Word (v.13).
The Word of God “is a fountain of life, to turn [us] away from the snares of death” (v.14). —Anne Cetas
God’s warnings are to protect us, not to punish us.
A new device may allow you talk on your cell-phone without ever running out of power…
…it’s not a new battery — it’s a pair of boots. The electric shoes have an energy dynamo inside the soles to generate power and then release it in a controlled way to power a phone. The shoes developed by Dr. Jim Gilbert, are so powerful they can also run personal stereos, computers, heaters and navigation systems. Gilbert says about 3 watts of electricity are needed to power a cell phone. The trick is for the shoes to be able generate enough power without requiring the person to walk anymore than usual. The boots will undergo an endurance test next with a walk in the desert to see if they can work under extreme conditions. If successful, the shoes could be used by military units in the future. They also have plans to market them commercially. ***MARLAR: “These boots are made for talking…”
LIFE… LIVE IT
10 JOBS WHERE WOMEN EARN MORE THAN MEN
(National Examiner) Women have struggled for years to get equal pay for equal work. But too often, it seems, the ladies come up on the short end of the salary scale. However, the roles are reversed in these 10 fields, where, according to a report by CNNMoney.com gals actually tend to out earn the guys. Ladies, check out this list to see where you may want to try to get your next paycheck:
TELEPHONE OPERATOR — Women ring up an average income of $22,152 annually, a significant 21% more than the men, who average $18,356.
METER READER — Women earn about $36,348 a year, 15% more than the men’s average of $31,668.
MOTION-PICTURE PROJECTIONIST – The ladies generally get about $35,412 annually, 27% more than the guys, who tend to pocket about $27,924.
LIBRARY ASSISTANT — Women average $23,608, while men make $18,512, which is 28% less.
FUNERAL SERVICES WORKER — Women tend to get about $30,108, 23% more than the guys’ $24,492.
FOOD BATCH MAKER — Ladies are ladled out an average compensation of $27,872, which is 19% more than the $23,400 men receive.
CROSSING GUARD — Women average $18,824 annually, whereas men tend to get about $16,640, which is 13% less.
CONSTRUCTION TRADES HELPER — Gals in this field earn an average $26,936, which is 24% more than the guys’ average of $21,736.
HUMAN RESOURCES ASSISTANT — Women are getting an average $30,420, while their male counterparts are earning $28,028, 9% less.
GAMING SERVICES WORKER — Women who roll the dice in this field average $24,076, which is 8% more than the men’s average of $22,308.
JUST FOR FUN
Here’s the grossest excuse of all time…
…Veteran New England mobster Anthony St. Laurent, was recently arrested again in Providence, Rhode Island on loan-sharking charges. As with previous arrests, Anthony tried to convince the judge that he could not spend time in prison because of his special colorectal condition which required him to take 40 enemas a day! On top of that, it seems Anthony claimed his condition had worsened, in that he now claims to need “to have his stool removed, biweekly.” Interesting note — technically, biweekly means once every two weeks but it is often used incorrectly to mean twice a week. (Providence Journal)
YOUR ODDS OF DYING…
Injury from fireworks: 19,556 to 1
Injury from shaving: 6,585 to 1
Injury from mowing the lawn: 3,623 to 1
Fatally slipping in bath or shower: 2,232 to 1
Drowning in a bathtub: 685,000 to 1
Being killed on a 5-mile bus trip: 500 million to 1
Odds of being killed sometime in the next year in any sort of transportation accident: 77 to 1
Being struck by lightning: 576,000 to 1
Being killed by lightning: 2,320,000 to 1
Odds of being murdered: 18,000 to 1
Of dying from a car accident: 1 in 18,585
Of dying from any kind of fall: 1 in 20,666
Of dying from accidental drowning: 1 in 79,065
Of dying from exposure to smoke, fire, and flames: 1 in 81,524
Of dying in an explosion: 1 in 107,787
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!
According to the book “Danger Ahead: The Risks You Really Face in Everyday Life” (by Larry Lauden), the odds that:
Your TV will catch fire sometime this year: 1 in 7500
You will be forced to leave your home because of a flood: 1 in 4,000
You will crush a finger with a hammer: 1 in 3,000
Your doctor is not really a doctor: 1 in 50
You will have to have an operation that requires a hospital stay sometime this year: 1 in 12
Your elderly mother will come to live with you: 1 in 9
Your next meal will be from McDonalds: 1 in 8
Your child hates school: 1 in 3
(And here’s a disturbing one!) You will have some sort of mental problem in your lifetime: 1 in 2
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Blame it on your mother. And father. And for that matter, your grandparents. If you hate to exercise, it could be in your genes. Specifically, genes that modulate the dopamine (a feel-good chemical) in the brain appear to play a role in our propensity to embrace or avoid exercise, according to researchers from the University of Georgia. You just have to look at any group of people to know that some exercise frequently, while others prefer the couch. Now it appears that the part of the brain that drives rewards and the part of the brain that drives the motor system are interacting, causing some of us to want to run a marathon and leading others to binge watch your favorite show on Netflix. Translation: Gym rats get a rush from working out as dopamine levels soar, while couch potatoes appear to have a genetic makeup that interferes with the release of dopamine.
Gretchen Witt started Cookies for Kids’ Cancer to help other families after her own son, Liam, was declared cancer free. The New Jersey mom wanted to help other parents. So in December 2007, Witt put the word out that she wanted to host a massive bake sale. She recruited 250 volunteers, including friends, family and even strangers, and borrowed a commercial kitchen where over two days they managed to bake 96,000 cookies. They sold every one of them and raised $420,000 that first year. A year later in September 2008, Cookies For Kids’ Cancer was officially born. Sadly, Liam also relapsed for the first time that same year. Liam fought cancer for four years, but died when he was just 6 years old in 2012. There are now bake sales in his honor every year across the country and around the world – more than 8,000 events in 18 countries.
A new tourism trend is taking off in Russia. Since any baby born in the USA is automatically a US citizen, Russian women are paying big money to come to the US to give birth. In fact, it’s become a status symbol in Russia to have a Miami born baby, complete with a USA passport. Over the past four months, dozens of Russian women have made the trip. At a cost of 50,000 to 100,000 dollars, it’s not cheep. But a company called Miami Momma brings about 100 mothers to Miami each year.
A little regular exercise can take away the years of damage people have done by sitting around and doing nothing, researchers reported Monday. They found a two-year program roughly following the American Heart Association’s exercise guidelines helped a pack of middle-aged couch potatoes tune up their hearts and lower their risk of heart failure. “We found that exercising only two or three times a week didn’t do much to protect the heart against aging,” said Dr. Benjamin Levine, “But committed exercise four to five times a week was almost as effective at preventing sedentary heart aging as the more extreme exercise of elite athletes.”
Oh, things sure took a bad turn. Mortifying, that’s what it was. Such a big party — friends, co-workers — and you dumped that drink! How can you live with being such a klutz? Who there will ever forget it? Take a deep breath. Stop obsessing because it probably wasn’t as bad as you think. Research shows that far fewer people notice our gaffes than we believe. And those who do notice that we did something judge us less harshly than we imagine.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
And now, as a public service to the entire listening area (and internet community), I will end the show.
My next show is going to be so great I may stay home and listen to it myself.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER (email her directly at email@example.com)
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 29, 2018…
Uncle Drew—Kyrie Irving, of NBA sport fame, dives into acting as Uncle Drew. In the film, Drew is a legend of the sport of streetball. He wants to bring the old team back for a special game. Can he do it? This may turn out to be a different kind of ball game as there is an opposing team led by Nick Kroll. Also, in the cast are Shaquille O’Neil, Chris Weber, Mike Epps and Lisa Leslie. “Uncle Drew” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Woman Walks Ahead—Jessica Chastain takes on the role of a real-life portrait painter of the 1890’s, Caroline Weldon. From Brooklyn, she was famous for her paintings and decides to take on one special subject, Chief Sitting Bull of the Lakota (Michael Greyeyes). Will he do it? A painting by a woman? Where to find him? What about security? We do know that this is a famous painting of historical significance. Sam Rockwell plays the Colonel. “Woman Walks Ahead” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Leave No Trace—In this film, directed by Debra Granik, a father and daughter, have lived in the wilderness by themselves—-no civilization, thank you. Things are going well, until “civilization” comes into their territory. What to do? The film is based on the book “My Abandonment” by Peter Rock. This film stars Ben Foster and Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie. “Leave No Trace” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Sicario: Day Of The Soldado—The first film, “Sicario”, was one of my favorite films of 2015. The reality of the illegal drug trade crossing borders gets to you in opening scenes of that film. Photography (Roger Deakins), acting, directing (Dennis Villeneue) and that special soundtrack (from the late Johann Johannsson) brought the level of filming way up. Now, this story centers on Alejandro, the Benicio Del Toro character. “Sicario” means “hitman.” Since the end of the last film, he has helped to slow down drug traffic across the U.S.-Mexico border. Now, he has a young girl hostage, who is related to the drug cartel. This is leverage if the plan can work. Not only do they have to stay hidden, but who is out there to help them from the cartel? There is a history between the hostage and gun man, too. The southwest and arid countryside have their place in the film. The cast includes Josh Brolin, Jeffrey Donovan and Isabela Moner. Director is Stefano Sollima. “Sicario: Day Of The Soldado” is rated R. for violence. Rating of 3 for fans.
JULY 4-6, 2018…
Ant-Man And The Wasp brings together more super-heroes from Marvel Comics. Stars Paul Rudd and Evangeline Lilly.
The First Purge goes back in time to how the “Purge’s” came to be. Stars Scott Davis.
The Legacy Of A Whitetail Deer Hunter is a comedy starring Josh Brolin and Danny McBride on a weekend hunting trip.
Sorry To Bother You goes behind the scenes of telemarketing. Stars Lakeith Stanfield.
# # # # #
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.