June 30, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160630

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of the show when I’ll say the very charming and witty thing I don’t have prepared to say right now.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“…Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.”  –Philippians 3:13

 

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever — do not abandon the works of your hands. — Psalm 138:8

 

Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. — Psalm 105:4

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. — Matthew 5:28

 

Thought: Living in a sexually supercharged world and facing the prevalence of pornography on the Internet and in today’s media, how are you doing with this issue?

 

Prayer: Loving Father, give me the strength to resist sexual temptation, the wisdom to stay away from it, and character to triumph over it. In the mighty name of Jesus I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 6:30 NIV
If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 30, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 177 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL ICE CREAM SODA DAY.  ***MARLAR: And the first person to bring me one gets to pick something out of the prize closet!

 

This is LEAP SECOND ADJUSTMENT DAY.  You get an extra second added to the day to help adjust the clocks.  ***MARLAR: You’ve been asking for more time in the day – well today, you get it!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Bomb Pop Day

National Hand Shake Day

NOW (National Organization For Women) Day

Social Media Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, JULY 01

Canada Day

National GSA Employee Day

Second Half of the Year Day

U.S. Postage Stamp Day

Zip Code Day

 

SATURDAY, JULY 02

Hop a Park Day

I Forgot Day

International Chicken Wing Day

International Day of Cooperatives

International Cherry Pit Spitting Day

Made in the USA Day

World UFO Day

Compliment Your Mirror Day

 

SUNDAY, JULY 03

International Plastic Bag Free Day

Stay Out Of The Sun Day

Superman Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 04

Boom Box Parade Day

Earth At Aphelion

Independence Day (USA)

Independence From Meat Day

Indivisible Day

 

TUESDAY, JULY 05

Bikini Day

Work Without Your Hands Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 06

Fried Chicken Day

International Kissing Day (World Kiss Day)

Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day

Beer Pong Day

 

THURSDAY JULY 07

Chocolate Day

Father-Daughter Take a Walk Together Day

Global Forgiveness Day

Tell The Truth Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1859: French acrobat Blondin (real name: Jean Francois Gravelet) crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope as 5,000 spectators watched.

 

1894: Korea declared independence from China, then asked for Japanese aid.  *** Well that hardly seems very “independent”, now, does it?

 

1926: McGraw Electric Company of Minneapolis sold the world’s first pop-up toasters.

 

1934: The NFL Portsmouth Spartans became the Detroit Lions.

 

1953: The first Chevrolet Corvette rolled off the assembly line in Flint, Michigan. It was the first laminated plastic car. Sticker price: $3,250.

 

1974: Steven Spielberg filmed the famous July 4th scene for his movie, Jaws. A crowd of 400 screaming extras in bathing suits ran from the water — again and again and again. (

)

 

1975: Cher married Gregg Allman.  The marriage lasted nine days.  ***MARLAR: Hollywood celebrities still ask her, “What was your secret to a long marriage?”

 

1985: Continental Baking executive James A. Dewar died at age 88.  In the early 1930s he invented Twinkies.  ***MARLAR: Appropriately, he was labeled as “creamy filling” and buried in a long square yellow coffin.

 

1985: Actor Yul Brynner ended his reign as the King of Siam in “The King and I” after playing the role on and off for 34 years in over 4,500 performances. He won two Tonys and an Oscar.

 

1986: Calling his Playboy Bunny a symbol of the past, Hugh Hefner closed Playboy clubs in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

 

1988: The city of Brooklyn dedicated a bus depot honoring Jackie Gleason for his “Honeymooners” character Ralph Kramden.  *** We’re still waiting for a sewer named after Ed Norton.

 

1992: Newspapers reported singer Tom Jones’ new television series was rated lower than British TV’s hymnfest “Songs of Praise.”

 

1994: Twelve miles of highway in Waverly, Tennessee, became Loretta Lynn Parkway.

 

1994: The U.S. Figure Skating Association stripped Tonya Harding of her 1994 national title and banned her for life for the attack on competitor Nancy Kerrigan.

 

1995: The movie “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” opened throughout the U.S. (

)

 

2002: Brazil won its 5th World Cup soccer championship with a 2-0 victory over Germany.

 

2005: A Solomon Islands man who had lived as a hermit in a jungle cave for 40 years returned home when his fire went out. After relatives welcomed him home, 80-year-old Philip Uduota decided to stay.

 

2011: A Florida man was accused of tying his 74-year-old mother to a chair and forcing her to write checks.  *** Later he forced Mom to do his ironing and make him a meatloaf.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1881: Presbyterian preacher and African-American abolitionist Henry Highland Garnet is appointed minister to Liberia. The former slave shocked the abolitionist community in 1843 by calling for violent rebellion. “Rather die free-men than live to be slaves,” he preached.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino 32 (
    )
  • Actress (Saw, Along Came A Spider, Con Air) Monica Potter 45
  • Actor (“Melrose Place”) Brian Bloom 46 (
    )
  • Actor (“Daredevil”, Full Metal Jacket, “Law & Order: Criminal Intent”, Men In Black) Vincent D’Onofrio 57 (
    )
  • Actor/comedian (Little Man, “Chocolate News”, “Life With Bonnie”) David Alan Grier 61

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1917 : Lena Horne

1940 : Larry Hall

1943 : Florence Ballard (The Supremes)

1944 : Glenn Shorrock (Little River Band)

1949 : Andy Scott (Sweet)

1951 : Stanley Clarke

1953 : Hal Lindes (Dire Straits)

1956 : Adrian Wright (The Human League)

1969 : Tom Drummond (Better Than Ezra)

1984 : Fantasia Barrino

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Are there people with mirror-image bodies?

About one person in 8,500 has a condition called situs inversus in which all the internal organs are located in mirror-image to the usual arrangement. People with situs inversus have their heart on the right and their liver on the left. The condition does not usually result in any medical problems. No one knows why some people are internally flip-flopped, but recently scientists have discovered some clues. In the earliest days of embryo development there is a critical period during which cilia (tiny beating hairs) cause a current to flow across the embryo. This current carries certain substances to one side more than the other, creating a left-right difference that becomes amplified into the left-right positions of the organs. People with situs inversus may have a genetic quirk that reverses or removes that current.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jamie Grace was facing a dilema this week. She posted: I’m on the road for a few days and just realized I forgot my toothbrush. I thought we might come up with some options to rectify the problem:

  1. Borrow a friends tooth brush.
  2. Buy a new one
  3. Ask for one from her hotel
  4. Go dumpster diving outside Walmart

 

Britt Nicole was recently in the midst of a hard week in the studio. She said: everything felt like a struggle and I was just over it. I knew something had to switch, and that something was me. I have so many blessings in my life but I was only focused on everything that was going wrong. That’s when I decided right then and there, in the studio, “Today is good vibes only.” ?? No matter what tries to come my way I’m not gonna let it get me down. Sometimes we have to make that decision.

 

Guidepost magazine this week sat down with Hillary Scott to talk about her new faith based album. Scott is best known as a member of the country trio Lady Antebellum but she teamed up with her own family for the faith-based album she hopes will bring inspiration.

https://www.guideposts.org/positive-living/lady-antebellums-hillary-scott-has-a-new-faith-based-album

 

Worship leader Christy Nockels launched her new Podcast this week. It’s titled The Glorious in the Mundane and focus on what Christy calls her farm table epiphany: that just as many glorious things could happen at her farm table as they could under lights on a stage somewhere. The first two podcasts are now available on Christy’s site. http://ow.ly/Dmwj301IGMP

 

Some exciting things are ahead for the band Kutless. They posted this week: Jon Micah and James just finished a meeting at Pure Flix in Scottsdale, AZ!

 

Danny Gokey was living the dream over the weekend. He posted: We gratefully spend our lives traveling and sharing the music we love in our concerts! Usually we take a bus or commercial airplanes, but I absolutely love it when we get to fly private!! Is so easy and hassle free!! Definitely a treat that we enjoy! Danny posted a picture in front of their private jet for the day.

 

The recent flooding in West Virginia is hitting close to home for Michael W Smith. He posted this week: I was born and raised in West Virginia where the floods have destroyed so much. Please support via the Red Cross and pray.

 

Continue to pray for Jay Weaver of Big Daddy Weave. He was recently able to return home after weeks in the hospital fighting a very serious infection, but family members say they are now in the learning process of how to do daily things of life as Jay deals with the loss of both of his feet. Prayer requests include the healing of the ankle area, protection as Jay moves in and out of his wheel chair, the physical therapy, and the frustration of not being able to do what he used to.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A blind boxer dog in Poland has a new friend — and a new lease on life. Baks the boxer has been taken under the wing of a pet goose called Buttons. Buttons the four-year-old goose leads her pal Baks around everywhere either by hanging onto him with her neck, or by honking to tell him which way to go.  ***So it’s kinda like marriage.

 

A man was arrested for trying to extinguish the Olympic torch by throwing a bucket of water over it as it passed through his small farming town. The 27-year-old said it was a dare on Facebook.  *** The only thing extinguished was his ability to find a job or a date in the near future.

 

The Marine Corps plans to rename 19 of its military occupation titles to make them more gender-neutral. In all, 33 titles were reviewed. Terms such as “rifleman” and “mortarman” won’t be changed.  ***And they’re not going to change them until Debbie Wasserman Schultz does something about her name too.

 

A Saudi bride was married for mere “minutes” recently when her new husband told her that their marriage was over. His reason? The new bride reportedly refused to get off her cellphone. A relative says that the newlyweds went to the hotel room they had booked, but the bride ignored the groom when he tried to talk to her and get affectionate.  ***See now, this is why you do NOT search for a significant other at the Verizon store.

 

Brazilian first responders on Monday welcomed people to Rio de Janeiro’s airport with a sign that read “Police and firefighters don’t get paid. Whoever comes to Rio de Janeiro will not be safe.”  ***Coming to this Summer Olympics, Competitive Bullet Dodging!

 

A Traffic tie up on a New York City bridge was caused by an unexpected obstacle: a man and his horses. The man was seen riding a horse and leading another eastbound across the bridge. Officers issued two criminal court summonses to 80-year-old Tod Mishler — one summons for trespass and one for impeding traffic. ***Even worse, his horse’s right blinker was on the entire way.

http://abc7ny.com/traffic/man-on-horse-holds-up-traffic-on-outerbridge-crossing/1403300/

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

With wedding season in full swing, guests everywhere are asking the same question: How much money should I give the newlyweds? Though most guests will spend an average of $109 this year, the average cost nearly doubles to $200 if the recipient is a close family member (according to the American Express Spending & Savings Tracker).  ***MARLAR: Which is exactly why I keep all family members at arm’s length.

 

Although vitamin D boosts the immune system, taking large doses of the nutrient does not appear to ward off colds, according to a study from New Zealand.  In the study, participants who took high doses of vitamin D supplements every month for more than a year were just as likely to catch colds as those who took a placebo.  ***MARLAR: Really?  Wow – where can I get some of those awesome placebo pills?!?!

 

What’s the number one item to that gives a woman buyer’s remorse? Leather pants. Forty-six percent of 2,000 women said they never wore the leather pants they purchased because they were afraid the pants made them “look tacky” and “that they were trying too hard.”  ***MARLAR: Obviously, this poll was NOT taken at Wal-Mart.

 

Most Americans think they have a healthy diet — but many of them need to eat their words.  People are trying to eat right, but a lot are getting it wrong, according to a new Consumer Reports poll. A whopping 89.7 percent of those surveyed rated their own diet as “somewhat” (52.6 percent), “very” (31.5 percent) or “extremely” (5.6 percent) healthy. But a mere 28 percent said they limit sweets and sugar every day, and 26 percent said they curbed fat consumption daily, according to the poll.  When it comes to vegetables, the poll found that the five most popular — those eaten at least once a week — are lettuce or salad greens, tomatoes, carrots, potatoes (other than sweet potatoes) and broccoli.  The top five on the poll’s list of “wallflower” veggies — those that respondents said they rarely or never eat — are parsnips, Swiss chard, bokchoy, turnips or rutabagas and artichokes.  ***MARLAR: The study indicates that for most people, their normal dietary habits are so bad they’d probably be better off eating a printout of the dietary study.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Ballpark Stands”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “Disneyland”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Gruffy Bear was heading out for a picnic, singing show tunes.  He wanted to go alone, but Millard the Monkey talked him into taking him along as well… but then Millard told all the other jungle animals, and now everybody is heading out for one gigantic picnic!

 

CLOSE: The mother of all picnic spots in order to have the mother of all picnics!  Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 02/03

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left our story, Marvy Snuffleson had been sent to his room by his parents because he’d been mean to the new kid in the neighborhood and refused to play with him – mostly because it wasn’t cool.  But now the thunderstorm has tossed Marvy, his teddy-bear, and his entire bed out the bedroom window and onto the high seas!

 

CLOSE: What kind of place is this that Marvy has washed ashore upon?  And who are the furry, tall creatures?  Find out next time – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Don’t believe everyone who calls you on the telephone… especially if they say it’s for your own safety that you start breaking things around you.

A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel’s fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. Holiday Inn employee Christina Bergmann was at the front desk early that morning when a male caller “identified himself as an employee of Grennel Fire Sprinkler service.” The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel’s fire sprinklers and that she “needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them,” Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel!

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO STREAMLINE CONGRESSIONAL PROCEDURES

 

  1. Important issues are to be decided with Rock’em Sock’em Robot Matches.

 

  1. All statements over 300 words are subject to rebuttal by Simon Cowell.

 

  1. Add a “10 Bribes or Less” Legislative Express Check-Out.

 

  1. Outsource it all to Domino’s Pizza. Then you could get a bill passed in “30 minutes or less.”

 

  1. Combine swearing-in and indictment ceremonies.

 

  1. All budget appropriations are to be submitted to an internet based Top Ten List. Only the suggestions that get selected will get funded.

 

  1. Instead of a gavel, give the chair a supply of poison blow darts.

 

  1. Make it like a reality show: the first congressman to pass his bill wins immunity!

 

  1. New temperatures in House and Senate. Winters 20 degrees F. Summers 110 degrees F

 

  1. Limit senators to ten words per day. Cut off access to aides for non-compliance.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man tries to get a driver’s license – and goes to prison for kidnapping.

 

FILE #1: Roberto Padilla’s day started with him just wanting to get his driver’s license and ended with him being arrested for kidnapping. The 44-year-old Portland, Oregon, man’s driver’s test got off to a bad start when he shifted gears to drive and hit the curb – an automatic failure. Padilla pleaded with instructor Ruth Ramos for another chance, but she refused. So Padilla took off driving, refusing to let Ramos out. Finally, he stopped at an intersection and Ramos was able to jump out. Padilla was arrested a short time later and has been charged with second-degree kidnapping.  ***MARLAR: Somewhere in between “making complete stops” and “parallel parking”, I’m sure there has to be something in the Rules of the Road book about not kidnapping your instructor.

 

FILE #2: Sometimes we’re able to succeed in spite of ourselves. Take the unidentified man who held up an Orlando bank. Surveillance video showed the bandit handing a bank teller a piece of paper before pulling a gun, which he held backwards during the holdup. During the robbery he also pointed the gun at himself before walking out of the bank, amazingly with cash. Police consider the man armed and dangerous to himself.

 

FILE #3: In Durango, Colorado, police had to tell liquor store owner Gabe Fidanque to give shoplifters the boot — quite literally. Tired of losing what he says was about $1,000 worth of merchandise a month in thefts, Gabe took to telling shoplifters he caught that they had two choices: Give him one of their shoes or he’d call the police. A handful actually gave up a shoe but Durango police told him to cut it out or face charges of felony robbery. Ironically, shoplifting from his store is only a misdemeanor. Police Capt. Micki Browning said, “I would suggest that he find a different option that doesn’t involve giving up property. What’s the difference between him saying, ‘Give me $20 and I won’t call the police’ or ‘Give me your shoe?'” Gabe was also ordered to return the shoes to their owners–if he can find them. He reluctantly agreed but said, “That’s the whole point of it. They’re too humiliated to come back and ask for their shoe, and that also means they won’t steal again.”

 

STRANGE LAW: In Nebraska it is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If you plan on protesting something, first be sure your brain isn’t on drugs. 

A man accused of trying to burn down a post office to protest the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan has been charged with attempted arson. A 45-year-old man was arrested in front of the post office holding a beer, a hammer and a propane torch.  Police found the front door smashed and saw a garbage can and its contents on fire inside the building. An officer dragged the can outside before flames spread to the structure.  Police said the man claimed he was angry about U.S. military involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan.  No word on how he thought burning down a post office would help anything.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What are some of the coolest things you’ve found at garage sales?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was indicated when one who had taken the Nazarite vow shaved his head?

ANSWER: He had completed his vow (Numbers 6:13 & 18)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: For roughly six to seven months after birth, an infant can do this, but adults can’t.  What is it?

ANSWER: Breathe and swallow at the same

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Over 30 million people in the US “suffer” from Diastima. (True. Diastima is having a gap between your front teeth.)

 

  1. In 1976 Sarah Connor became the first woman to conduct the Metropolitan Opera in New York City. (False – Sarah Caldwell. Sarah Connor conducted the first escape from The Terminator!)

 

  1. Reindeer milk has less fat than cow milk. (False – it has more)

 

  1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. (True)

 

  1. The city with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita is Los Angeles. (False – Hong Kong)

 

  1. The youngest pope was 11 years old. (True)

 

  1. The First novel ever written on a typewriter was “Tom Sawyer.” (True)

 

  1. The phrase “Rule of Thumb” refers to spousal abuse. (True. It is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.)

 

  1. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. (True)

 

  1. The nursery rhyme Ring Around The Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. (True. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores <Ring Around the Rosey>. These sores would smell very badly, so common folk would put flowers on their bodies somewhere, inconspicuously, so that it would cover the smell of the sores <a pocket full of posies>. People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease <ashes, ashes, we all fall down>.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“______ BUY THE DODGERS” (THE YANKEES)

The Los Angeles Dodgers filed for bankruptcy on Monday – and the NY Yankees quickly bought the team.  According to a release issued by the team on Monday morning, the Dodgers filed for bankruptcy.  Hal Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, immediately announced that the New York Yankees would purchase the ball club.  “The Yankees organization always wanted to have a west coast presence – and now we have it,” said Hal Steinbrenner.  The Los Angeles Dodgers will be known as the Los Angeles Yankees starting next season.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” So now he works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

JOKE #2

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Alabama, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s not.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom.  It slowly crept toward him – silently – and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand came from out of the darkness thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.  Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was not drunk and could very well be telling the truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar. One said to the other, “Look Billy Bob, thar’s that idjit what rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain.”

 

JOKE #3

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The women were arguing noisily even in the court. The judge, banging his gavel to quiet them said, “We are going to do this in an orderly manner. I can’t listen to all of you at once. I’ll hear the oldest first.” The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Blind people could one day use their tongues to help them “see”. Scientists have developed a device which transfers visual cues from a video camera to the brain through electrodes in the mouth. A map of the outside world is sent to a postage stamp-sized “tongue display unit” made of 144 electrodes which stimulates the highly sensitive tongue. ***MARLAR: So if someone sticks their tongue out at you, they may just be sight-seeing!

 

The mayor of one Malaysia town wants to blow the whistle on litterbugs. Mayor Khazali Din is issuing whistles to officials in Alor Star city. The idea is for authorities to pucker-up and blow when they spot someone tossing trash. The mayor wants the litterbugs to be shamed when they’re caught. They also face fines of up to 85 bucks.  ***MARLAR: Residents are now complaining of noise pollution.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

DIETING BUDDIES

Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

ARACHNOPHOBIA

Think of the dumbest reason to get rid of your car… I can almost guarantee you that the next story will beat it!

Granted, I don’t like spiders either… I’m sure most people don’t. But would you sell your car because you saw a spider in it? Michelle Holloway did just that! “I don’t regret selling the car at all. I couldn’t keep it after that. If the spider had come out while I was driving I would have crashed,” she said. So she sold her Mazda 626 because she saw a spider in it and now she rides the bus to work. ***MARLAR: Oh yeah, I’m sure public transit is completely bug free.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO GOD

 

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

 

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

 

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

 

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

 

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

 

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

 

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

 

Dear GOD, Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother! -Darla

 

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

 

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

EIGHT COWS ON THE ALTAR

READ: Genesis 22:1-12

God tested Abraham. —Genesis 22:1

Pastor Ed Dobson was speaking to a congregation on “putting all on the altar” in total surrender to Christ. After the service, an old German farmer came forward. He told Dobson that he had eight cows that were dying, which would mean great financial loss, and he had been struggling with accepting this as God’s will. Then he said, “Because of your message, I have found peace. Tonight I put them all on the altar.”

Christ’s lordship touches every area, every relationship, every concern of our lives. If we are willing to submit to Him, any loss in life will be seen as an opportunity of giving back to God what is rightfully His and trusting Him to provide what is needed.

When God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He seemed to be undermining His own purposes. Isaac was the son of promise through whom God would bless the world. Yet Abraham’s faith had grown strong over the years, and baffled though he must have been, he said, “God will provide for Himself the lamb” (Genesis 22:8).

The issue is the same for us. Can we entrust everything to God—our possessions, job, health, family? If we commit ourselves to Him each day and thank Him for every blessing, our confidence in Him will survive any test. —Dennis J. De Haan

 

You have longed for sweet peace and for faith to increase,
And have earnestly, fervently prayed;
But you cannot have rest or be perfectly blest
Until all on the altar is laid. —Hoffman

 

Submission to God means taking our hands off what belongs to Him.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

DEADLIER THAN GUNS?

Lots of people are saying that guns are dangerous and should be banned… but there is something that every single one of us uses that’s 9,000 times more dangerous than guns and kills more people than guns ever could!

Bad news folks. You know how everyone is saying that guns should be banned because they’re so dangerous? Well, I’ve learned about another product that’s NINE THOUSAND TIMES more dangerous than guns! And, sadly, every single American uses this product at least once in their lifetime! I can almost guarantee you’ve used this product at least once… and children are especially vulnerable because they use this product more often than the average adult! Want to know what this product is? Are you sitting down? It’s health care administered by a doctor! That’s right… doctors are more deadly than guns! Don’t believe me? Keep listening…

We have 700,000 doctors in the United States. All total, doctors cause 120,000 accidental deaths per year. That equals 0.171 deaths per doctor.

As for guns, there are 80-million gun owners in the United States. There are a total 1,500 deaths caused by guns (and that’s for all age groups). That comes to 0.0000188 deaths per gun owner.

***MARLAR: Statistically, doctors are about 9,000 times more likely to kill you than are gun owners. Maybe we should ban doctors… and politicians who want to give us free health care.

(Numeric Figures from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.)

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

WATER COOLER TALK

Looking to get ahead at work? Spend more time at the water cooler…

… drinking water, not talking! According to research conducted by the Innowave water company, 38% of folks claim they feel more productive after drinking water on the job. Plus, they say it will help you digest food better, which makes workers feel less groggy after lunch.  ***MARLAR: Then again, this is research from a water company – so you might want to take it with a grain of salt.  Which, now that I think about it, will make you thirsty for more water.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

SWEET!

Two things that mankind (and mostly womankind) have been looking for are: ways to look younger; and acquisition of chocolate.  Now it looks like you can combine the two!

Confectioner Adolf Andersen of Hamburg, Germany, teamed up with an anti-aging clinic to develop the first line of anti-aging chocolates. He says Felice pralines are made with dark chocolate, mango and soya milk, all filled with antioxidants and other ingredients that reportedly protect against free radicals, boost metabolism and tighten skin. A tester for the company said that two chocolates with a cup of tea at the end of the day make you immediately feel 15 years younger.  ***MARLAR: But the sugar and caffeine will keep you awake all night making you look like death warmed over at work the next morning.

 

 

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SUMMERTIME WHEN…

 

  1. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

 

  1. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

 

  1. Hot water now comes out of both taps.

 

  1. You can make sun tea instantly.

 

  1. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

 

  1. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

 

  1. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

 

  1. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

 

  1. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

 

  1. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Want to live longer? Stop bathing!

A new study out of Stockholm University reveals that people who want to live longer may want to re-think how often they bathe. The study shows that warm bath water strips the body of essential germ-fighting oils, and that shortens life expectancy. Researchers say when you bathe for social reasons, take quick showers in cool water.

***MARLAR: Well, if there’s a teenage in your house, cold water is usually all that’s left.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A midair medical emergency took a plane full of passengers by surprise when one man collapsed of an apparent heart attack. But the surprises were just beginning.  When passengers and crew rushed to help, a familiar face was among them: former NFL quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. Fellow passengers say Tebow moved toward the unconscious man and his family, then led a group of passengers in prayer. Medical workers met the flight at the gate when it landed at its destination in Phoenix. The man survived. Get the full story at http://abcn.ws/28ZeRDZ

 

Thrill seekers rejoice. This past Saturday marked the opening of SkySlide, a glass slide suspended 1,000 feet above downtown Los Angeles. The slide begins on the 70th floor of the U.S. Bank Tower, the tallest building in the United States west of the Mississippi River, and extends 45 feet down to the 69th floor. The adrenaline-inducing ride lasts only a few seconds but promises a thrill as passengers glide down on a mat with nothing but 1¼-inch-thick glass separating them from the city below.  http://abcn.ws/28ZQ0BK

 

This weekend at the Durham County jail in North Carolina, 39 inmates—some of whom are locked up for crimes including rape and murder—were baptized by ministers from seven local churches. The event was organized at the prompting of an inmate who told reporters, “It’s my faith. I’m a Christian. Like all Christians, we believe Jesus is the way.” The sheriff allowed for two wading pools to be set up in the jail’s parking lot, and gave each of the individuals Bibles and Bible study materials after they were baptized.  http://relm.ag/fdm2ex1

 

Aside from the occasional birthday cake or candy binge, you might think you’re a healthy eater. But sugar lurks in more than just the obvious places, like candy bars and cupcakes. SugarScience, a new initiative from the University of California, San Francisco is working to educate consumers about sugar. They point out that some kinds of yogurt have more sugar than a Twinkie. Other high sugar foods to watch out for include granola, sports drinks and fruit juices, the dressing on your salad, and… ketchup.  http://ti.me/1MTl9CA

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

This important traffic bulletin. If you’re driving on (Pleasant Street), please avoid the road at the intersection of (Pleasant and Public Ave).  There’s nothing wrong out there, but I’ll be going home in a few minutes and I’d sort of like the road to myself.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JUNE 24, 2016…

 

Independence Day 2: Resurgence–Liam Hemsworth is at the helm this time, as (and you knew there would be a second film) Earth goes against the aliens who came against Will Smith in the first “Independence Day” film. This time, Earth has learned a bit about alien technology so we will see what happens?  The mother ship looks about as large as Texas. “Independence Day: Resurgence” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Free State Of Jones—Based on a true incident, Matthew McConaughy plays a small farmer in Civil War times, who decides to secede from the Confederacy. With neighbors and former slaves, he tries to hold his ground.  This was in Jones County, Miss. Also in the cast are Keri Russell and Gugu Nbatha-Raw. “Free State Of Jones” is rated R. No rating.

 

Hunt For The Wilder People (new release date and opening in select cities)—Sam Neill stars as a crotchety New Zealander who, with his wife, takes in a foster child and tries to give him a home. Other stars are Julian Dannebon and Rachel House. “Hunt For The Wilder People” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Shallows—Blake Lively (“Gossip Girl”) is in action this time, bikini and all.  She portrays a surfer who is lost out at sea, manages to get to a buoy and then has to fight off a shark. Shades of  the “Jaws” films. Will you be afraid to go out into the water? “The Shallows” is rated R. Rating of 2.

 

JULY 01, 2016…

 

The BFG has Mark Rylance from “Bridge of Spies” as an ogre who gains the friendship of a young girl.

 

The Legend Of Tarzan is renewing the series of a boy raised by apes who meets a girl (Oh, and is her name, Jane?). Edgar Rice Burroughs, where are you now?

 

Our Kind Of Traitor comes from the John le Carre novel about espionage. Stars Ewan McGregor.

 

The Purge: Election Year is timed well to open now. This time, the storyline is about guarding a woman presidential candidate who wants to end the Purges. Stars Frank Grillo and Elizabeth Mitchell.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.