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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160301
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I’m losing some weight, and I have to give all the credit to NetFlix. Now I have zero commercials, so I don’t have as much time to go to the kitchen for snacks.
I just read an article about the wages of laziness. Really? I can get paid for that?
I’ve discovered the secret to keeping the spark in your marriage: kiss your wife after shuffling your feet on the carpet.
Power tools are useless without their power source… and the same applies to Christians.
I was kicking butt playing online poker at the Texas Hold’em table… but I lost it all when I doubled-down on eleven.
They say television adds ten pounds to you – so I took my big screen down and I only watch Netflix on my mobile phone now.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” –Jeremiah 29:11-13
This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. — 1 John 4:9
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. — Ephesians 4:25
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the LORD alone will be exalted in that day, and the idols will totally disappear. — Isaiah 2:17-18
Thought: Sometimes when we get “too big for our britches,” we find ourselves humbled by a natural disaster, world war, incurable disease, economic depression, or widespread social disorder. Our arrogance can be a predictor of our own impending disasters. Is there a general principle of our universe at work here? (“Pride goes before a fall.”) Or is this the active discipline of God at work? I guess the answer is “Yes!” to both of these questions. Both God and his world remind us that there is so much about our lives we can’t control. This passage, however, goes beyond the general principles and it promises an ultimate day when human arrogance will be eliminated and all false gods disappear. On that day, God’s children will rejoice and be glad! Until then, let’s walk humbly with our God.
Prayer: Dear Father in heaven, please humble me gently. I don’t want to lose my keen sense of your presence by becoming too full of myself. Neither do I want to bring disaster upon myself or those I love. Give me an undivided heart of devotion to you out of appreciation for your grace. In the name of the Lord Jesus I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 John 3:1 NIV = How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!
TODAY IS TUESDAY – MARCH 01, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 298 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is WHUPPITY SCOORIE DAY in Lanarkshire, Scotland. This is how the town of Lanark officially welcomes Spring. On March 1 each year, youngsters take part in the ancient custom of “Whuppity Scoorie” where they gather before 6 pm, assembling at St Nicholas church, then as the wee bell rings the hour, they run around the church three times counter-clockwise, while over their heads they swing balls made of paper and tied with a piece of string. At the end the children scramble for coins thrown by members of the local community council. And you thought some American holidays were bizarre!
Today is NATIONAL PIG DAY. *** You can always tell a pig lover’s car. They have bumper stickers that say, “Have you hugged your ham today?” And they hog the road. We celebrate a bit differently at my house – we expand this to be “National Pig OUT Day.” That way we can celebrate with pure joy.
Today is NATIONAL PEANUT BUTTER LOVERS DAY. *** That’s me! I’m craving extra chunky right now.
Today is NATIONAL SHARE A SMILE DAY. *** Mine will be coated with peanut butter. And ham.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Dadgum That’s Good Day
Endometriosis Day (Wear Yellow Day)
National Horse Protection Day
Plan a Solo Vacation Day
Refired, Not Retired Day
World Compliment Day
COMING UP NEXT
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 02
Dr. Seuss Day
NEA’s Read Across America Day
THURSDAY, MARCH 03
I Want To Be Happy Day
International Ear Care Day
World Wildlife Day
National Anthem Day
What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 04
Benjamin Harrison Day
Courageous Follower Day
Dress in Blue Day
World Day of Prayer
Shabbat Across America/Canada
International Scrapbooking Industry Day
March Forth / Do Something Day
National Grammar Day
Old Inauguration Day
SATURDAY, MARCH 05
National Frozen Food Day
Sock Monkey Day
National Absinthe Day
National Maple Syrup Days
Saint Piran’s Day
Iditarod Begins (5-20)
SUNDAY, MARCH 06
Daughters and Sons Day
MONDAY, MARCH 07
National Be Heard Day
TUESDAY, MARCH 08
The Bikini Bottom Free (Crabcakes) Day
Check Your Batteries Day
Girls Write Now Day
National Proofreading Day
National Peanut Cluster Day
Organize Your Home Office Day
ON THIS DAY
1780: Pennsylvania became the first state to abolish slavery.
1864: Rebecca Lee became the first black woman to receive an American medical degree, from the New England Female Medical College in Boston.
1904: Glenn Miller was born in Clarinda, Iowa. His hits included “In the Mood,” “String of Pearls,” and “Moonlight Serenade.” He was leader of the U.S. Army Air Force Band when his plane crashed into the English Channel during World War II.
1962: Former newspaper reporter turned Kresge store manager Harry Cunningham opened the first Kmart in a suburb of Detroit.
1968: Singers Johnny Cash and June Carter were married in Franklin, Kentucky. Best Man was Merle Kilgore, who with June had written one of Johnny’s biggest hits, “Ring of Fire.”
1973: The New York Joffrey Ballet performed its “Deuce Coupe Ballet” for the first time. The music was 100% Beach Boys.
1977: Bank of America decided to change the name of its credit cards from Bankamericard to VISA.
1989: Researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore reported that the leading cause of injury-related deaths of U.S. children under one year old was homicide.
1991: Victoria defeated Duncanville 38-36 in the Texas girls basketball 5A state semifinals. It was tough. None of the girls on the Duncanville team had ever lost a high school basketball game. Their win streak ended at 134 games and three state titles.
1994: At the annual Grammy Awards, Whitney Houston won best female pop vocalist and record of the year for Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.”
1997: The state of Arizona approved a proposal to install divorce vending machines to cope with the high demand for divorces.
2000: A fan of veteran hard rockers AC/DC paid $28,100 for a music lesson from the group’s lead guitarist, Angus Young. Wade Sickler of Washington state made the winning bid in an online charity auction to benefit the Nordoff-Robbins Music Therapy Foundation.
2000: By a rare unanimous vote, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to allow most Social Security recipients to earn as much money as they want without losing any benefits.
2005: A divided U.S. Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty for juvenile criminals.
2007: Illinois officials arrested 55-year-old Sebon Brown on a rape conviction warrant issued in 1982. Brown still lived at the address listed on the warrant, which apparently had been misplaced for 25 years. When sheriff’s deputies went to his home the fugitive answered the door and was arrested.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
589: David of Wales, whose ascetic path of restraint earned him the love of all Wales (he is now the patron saint of that country), dies. His final words were, “Be joyful, brothers and sisters. Keep your faith and do the little things that you have seen and heard from me.”
1546: George Wishart was executed by Beaton.
1562: At the Massacre of Vassy, French Protestants (called Huguenots) are killed by Roman Catholics. The action set off a series of eight religious wars that lasted 36 years.
1854: Pioneer missionary Hudson Taylor lands in Shanghai, China. “My feelings on stepping ashore I cannot attempt to describe,” he wrote. “My heart felt as though it had not room and must burst its bonds, while tears of gratitude and thankfulness fell from my eyes.” Taylor would found the China Inland Mission in 1865, and he popularized the idea that missionaries should live and dress like the people they seek to evangelize.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor/director (Opie Taylor on “The Andy Griffith Show,” Richie Cunningham on “Happy Days,” and the director of films like Splash, Apollo 13, Cinderella Man, The DaVinci Code, A Beautiful Mind) Ron Howard is 61 (audio clip)
- actress (Daisy Duke on TV’s “The Dukes of Hazzard”) Catharine Bach 61 (audio clip)
- actor (“Growing Pains”) Alan Thicke 68 (audio clip)
- actor (“Ba Ba Black Sheep,” the police officer in Jingle All The Way) Robert Conrad 80 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1904 : Glenn Miller
1927 : Harry Belafonte
1930 : Benny Powell
1943 : Jerry Fisher (Blood, Sweat & Tears)
1944 : Roger Daltrey (The Who)
1944 : Mike D’Abo (Manfred Mann)
1946 : Tony Ashton (Ashton, Gardner & Dyke)
1950 : Dave Marsh
1957 : Jon Carroll (The Starland Vocal Band)
1958 : Nik Kershaw
2010 : Roger Daltrey (The Who) – Roger Harry Daltrey in London, England.
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why don’t buses have seat belts?
These days there are seat belts on school buses in many areas of the United States, mandated by law. But the vehicles used by the general public are still beltless. Given the way many urban bus drivers maneuver in heavy traffic, you might think this is a subtle attempt to winnow out the population, lowering its average age. But the reasons are much more ordinary. The main one is that adults can’t be coerced into using belts in the way that kids can. You can’t keep an adult after school or threaten to call the parents in for a little talk. Some localities have tried to get adults to use belts on buses, but they just won’t buckle up. Another reason you hear is that installing belts would add to the cost of building a bus. But you don’t think that lower profits or higher cost would be a factor, do you?
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Jason Gray got to visit one of the oldest churches in America over the weekend. He posted: This building has been standing since 100 years before America was a country! There is a cemetery behind the church where the pastors who have served here are buried. The current pastor showed us the plot that would be his, and when asked how he knew he’d be the pastor here until the end, he said, “oh, I’ve had offers to pastor other churches, but I’m staying here. I love this community. I’m going to see it through.”
A moving experience for Brandon Heath this past weekend. He posted: Last night for Brandon by request Andrew, who is blind, requested Give Me Your Eyes, and he sang it to me.
The Sidewalk Prophets were serving up “Something Different” over the weekend. Front man Dave Frey was manning the drive through window at a Bojangles restaurant in Columbia, South Carolina. In addition to handing out food, Dave was also giving away copies of the bands latest CD.
Hillsong Young & Free shared the stage with a special guest over the weekend. According to New Release Today, Selena Gomez surprised attendees at a Hillsong Young and Free show by taking the stage to perform her song “Nobody”, a song she says she wrote about God. The concert took place at Belasco Theatre in Los Angeles, where Hillsong LA holds its church services. Young & Free was performing as part of their Youth Revival Tour. Check out a video of Selena’s performance…
Sunday was a family day for Aaron Shust. His kids were dealing with coughs so the Shust family had home-church today. Aaron says: Daniel was on keys, Nicky on drums, I was on guitar. We played Hallelujah in G. Just one song for about 20 minutes. Then we talked about Joshua and Caleb scouting out the promised land and believing God, while the other 10 scouts with names no one gives their kids doubted.
It sounds like Mike Scheuchzer’s son Eli is all boy. The Mercyme Guitarist posted over the weekend: He has no stop button, no brakes, never stops…ever.
Danny Gokey tweeted this weekend: I think I’ve FINALLY made it. He said: A Coffee blend has been named after me. The new roast is called Gokey Roast.
Phil Wickham was recently given a bit of his personal history. Phil posted a picture of some hand written lyrics and said: My mom just sent me this. It’s the lyrics to the first song I ever wrote when I was 8 or so. Can’t believe she still has it!
The members of Rush of Fools say life at camp has not been good for their waste line. The band participates each year in Student Life Camp. They recently posted: We’ve gained plenty of weight over the years thanks to late-night snacks! We love Pop-Tarts, White Cheddar Popcorn, Chocolate, flat baked pretzels…and of course, SWEET TEA!!
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Jacksonville sheriff’s deputies have arrested a man who allegedly attempted to rob a convenience store while wearing a Darth Vader mask and chest plate. Police say when the 32-year-old Vader wannabe showed his pistol and demanded money from the clerk, the employee responded by throwing a jar of blue cheese dressing at the suspect. The jar of dressing hit faux Vader on the face. ***Proving he wasn’t the real Darth Vader because A) he couldn’t stop the dressing from hitting him, and B) he used a six-shooter.
A Chinese woman who went missing as a teen in 2005 and was presumed dead has been found living in an Internet cafe in a nearby city. *** She was missing for ten years… and she was right there at an INTERNET CAFÉ the whole time? And she couldn’t have dropped them an EMAIL or a TEXT or something? “Hey guys, I’m okay – just finishing up my screenplay and my venti mocha!”
During this divisive political season, JetBlue wanted to see if strangers could work together to unanimously answer a crucial question that would affect their lives. The reward was a free flight, but it came with a catch: Do they want to go to Costa Rica or Turks and Caicos? In a social experiment doubling as a JetBlue commercial titled “Reach Across the Aisle,” the airline offered 150 passengers a free flight, but the catch was that they had to unanimously agree on the destination. After multiple votes all 150 of them finally agreed on one destination, showing true democracy in action. ***Perhaps we should put JetBlue in charge of the upcoming Presidential elections! http://on.today.com/1TARF1P
After 334 days in space, astronaut Scott Kelly, who is scheduled to return to Earth today, says: “I could stay in space another year.” ***My guess is he’d like to wait to see who wins the election to determine if he even wants to come back.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Two Kootenai County, Idaho, men were arrested for polluting because they dumped dirt in a forest. ***MARLAR: In a related story, a bear was arrested for polluting after it did its business in the woods.
Twitter confirms it: People are happiest on weekends. The fast-paced forum is offering scientists a peek at real-time, presumably little-filtered human behavior and thoughts. Cornell University researchers turned to the microblog to study mood and found a pretty consistent pattern. The researchers analyzed English-language tweets from 2.4 million people in 84 countries, more than 500 million of the brief, conversation-like exchanges sent over two years. They used a computer program that searched for words indicating positive mood – happy, enthusiastic, brilliant – or negative mood – sad, anxious, fear. What they found: people like the weekends. Alongwith the U.S., the researchers examined tweets in the United Arab Emirates, and the results were the same there. ***MARLAR: It took even less than 140 characters to share the saddest part of the week. In fact, it was only two words: “Mondays suck.”
Fatherhood may be a kick in the old testosterone, but it may also help keep a man alive. Research suggests that dads are a little less likely to die of heart-related problems than childless men are. The study – by the AARP, the government and several universities – is the largest ever on male fertility and mortality, involving nearly 138,000 men. Although a study like this can’t prove that fatherhood and mortality are related, there are plenty of reasons to think they might be, several heart disease experts said. Marriage, having lots of friends and even having a dog can lower the chance of heart problems and cardiac-related deaths, previous research suggests. Similarly, kids might help take care of you or give you a reason to take better care of yourself. ***MARLAR: How can you NOT have better heart-health when you’re required to chase after a three-year-old at all hours when they run with scissors, try to eat bugs, and think a cape can make them fly like Superman?
Hey stop clowning around with your kids — literally! A recent study by the University of Sheffield in England says small children and even older kids don’t like clowns and are scared of them. The study of more than 250 children, aged four to 16, found clown images were widely disliked. It suggests that decorating children’s rooms and hospital wards with paintings of clowns to create a nurturing atmosphere could backfire. Researcher Dr. Penny Curtis said, “As adults we make assumptions about what works for children. We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening.” ***MARLAR: Decorate your kid’s room with clowns and YOU might be the Bozo.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Lighter Hair, Darker Skin”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Michelle Krajecki, “Nuh-Uh”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was busy composing beautiful classical music in his tree house. He was working hard to come up with just the right tune, and he was about to share his new composition with Sully the Aardvark!
CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really must be a talented guy! Sounds like Millard may be a bit envious of Mozart’s skills and talents. C’mon, let’s face it… it’s not that easy to compose great classical music. Or find Waldo for that matter! Tune in next time to see what happens, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 05/06
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were looking for a new king – because Louis the lion didn’t want to be king anymore. It was too hard for such a little lion. But in their searching they found another, older and wiser lion. Maybe he’ll be the new king!
CLOSE: Well, it looks like even grown-up kings still have a hard time with those day-to-day decisions. So will Louis step up and take his kingship? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
What to do in case of a chimney fire…?
Should a fire break out in your chimney, it would be handy to have Chimfex Fire Suppressors on hand. According to the brochure, Chimfex sticks are indispensable as your first line of defense for controlling fires that occur in fireplace flues and other chimney exhaust systems. Fast, toss-in convenience allows you to react effectively to control flames and heat build-up during a chimney fire until professional help arrives. Handy, yes. Available, no. It seems the Chimfex product is no longer available due to a fire at the Chimfex factory.
TOP TEN USELESS INVENTIONS
- Non stick Cellotape
- Solar Powered Flash Light
- A black highlighter pen
- Glow in the dark sunglasses
- Inflatable Anchor
- Smooth Sandpaper
- Waterproof sponge
- Waterproof Teabags
- AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
- Inflatable Dartboard
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
If you steal the exact same money twice, is that double-jeopardy?
FILE #1: Douglas Holmes was in court being tried as a repeat offender, but while he was there the Kansas man thought he’d really be repeat offender! As his case proceeded and as he faced life in prison Holmes noticed the money he stole during one of his thefts on the evidence table. He just couldn’t resist. That’s right, Holmes grabbed the cash and made a run for the door. While police chased after him, the judge decided to continue the case without Holmes present in the courtroom. He was convicted of three counts of armed robbery and three counts of armed criminal action (with now more to come). A former victim who was in court to testify against Holmes said, “I can’t believe I lost my money twice.” ***MARLAR: I hear ya, buddy… that’s how I feel every year on Tax Day.
FILE #2: A Berlin drummer was practicing so loudly in his bedroom that he did not even notice burglars breaking into his house, stealing his belongings and driving off in his car. Apparently the thieves even broke a window downstairs to get in when they heard the man pounding away on his kick drum. They took his credit cards, all the cash they could find, and his car keys.
FILE #3: A Romanian burglar was caught in the act but only because he was hungry! The 26-year-old thief packed his bags with jewelry and other valuables from the home – along with some food that he found in the fridge, including salami and olives. After the heist, he became hungry and decided to sit down and eat the olives, and that’s where he was captured.
STRANGE LAW: In Connecticut you may not sell a pickle that will fall apart if dropped 12 inches.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
You never ever put the police on hold – especially if you’re the one who called them – and even more so if you’re in the middle of an illegal drug deal!
Police in Cleveland say a man called 911 because he felt he was in danger – then asked the dispatcher to hold on while he made a drug deal. Police said Alejandro Melendez called 911 and reported that two men with guns were watching him. Then he hung up, so the dispatcher called back. Melendez answered and asked the dispatcher to hold on, but the dispatcher could still hear what was being said, and heard the entire transaction take place of Melendez selling heroin to one of his customers. The dispatcher called police, who found Melendez at the location he gave, had the dispatcher call his cell phone again, and said they found cocaine in his trousers. He was arrested and charged with possessing cocaine.
Today is “Plan a Solo Vacation Day”. Have you ever taken a vacation somewhere alone? If so, where did you go and what did you do all by yourself?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who slept at Bethel and dreamed about angels?
ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 28:11-15)
QUESTION: According to a Reader’s Digest survey, what is the #1 worry that keeps men awake at night?
ANSWER: Fear of aging.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- John F. Kennedy’s rocking chair was auctioned off for $4.5-million. (False, $453,500)
- Georgia is the toothpick capital of the world. (False, Maine)
- Q-Tip Cotton Swabs were originally called Baby Gays. (True)
- Instead of stithces, doctors in Canada use Krazy Glue. (True – well, true enough. They use an adhesive similar to Krazy Glue instead of stitches, lowering the possibility of bacterial infection and minimizing scarring.)
- 93% of all greeting cards are purchased by women. (True)
- 98% of houses in the United States have at least two television sets. (False, but 98% of homes do have at least one.)
- A common name for pincurls is also spitcurls because woman sometimes wet their hair with their saliva before curling it. (True)
- About 26 per cent of all indoor water used by households in Sydney, Australia are for flushing toilets. (False, for doing laundry)
- A washroom that was built by Lam Sai-wing is the world’s most expensive washroom. He built the washroom for his shop and everything in the washroom is made out of gold and jewels. It cost $3.5 million to build. (True)
- About 85% or product warning labels on household products are inadequate. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
SOLAR SYSTEM IS __________ (SLOWING DOWN)
The velocity of the solar system is fallen by more than 10 percent – every month!
Astronomers are alarmed. American, Polish and Swiss astronomers have been studying the phenomenon over the last year and have no explanation for this change in velocity. And there is no perceivable change in the surrounding interstellar medium.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?”
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Wonderful,” said the psychiatrist.
“Or else,” continued the patient, “I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.”
“Definitely,” said the psychiatrist.
“Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.”
“Another interesting possibility,” agreed the doctor.
“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
“Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. “In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?”
A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.
The Preacher was not to eager to call the mayor, who had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant & rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”
Researchers from the European Space Agency have determined there is lightning on Venus as well as surprising temperature swings. ***MARLAR: Kind of like the atmosphere at your house if you forget your wedding anniversary.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider… ***MARLAR: Yet another excuse to avoid going to weddings.
JOKE FROM MARTHA RAYE
I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her — it would be a great chance to meet men.
She looked at me and said, “But you can meet men anywhere.”
I said, “Strapped down?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
AN ARMY OF ONE… COUPLE
If you can’t beat them – join them! The Army, that is.
Donna wanted to get married, but her husband-to-be wanted to join the Army. What to do? Donna figured if she couldn’t beat him, she’d join him. That’s right after they got married, Donna and Kirk Evenson enlisted together in the Army. The Athens, Georgia, couple will start basic training, at separate bases, in the beginning of March. Nine weeks later they’ll be reunited for training as radio communication specialists. Their first assignment — a one-year stint at Fort Riley, Kansas — is together too. Army officials, who note newlyweds enlisting are pretty rare, say they’ll try to keep the couple together as long as they are on active duty. ***MARLAR: Marriage is already tough – but can you imagine spending your days off AND your workday with your spouse? And this close to guns and explosives?
WILL YOU BE REMEMBERED?
See why powerful people often wear sunglasses — the spotlight blinds them to reality. They suffer from a delusion that power means something (it doesn’t). They suffer from the misconception that titles make a difference (they don’t). They are under the impression that earthly authority will make a heavenly difference (it won’t). Can I prove my point? Take this quiz:
- Name the ten wealthiest people in the world.
- Name the last ten Heisman trophy winners.
- Name the last ten winners of the Miss America contest.
- Name eight people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
- How about the last ten Academy Award winners for best picture or the last decade’s worth of World Series winners?
How did you do? I didn’t do well either. With the exception of you trivia hounds, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday too well. Surprising how quickly we forget, isn’t it? And what I’ve mentioned above are no second-rate achievements. These are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
- Think of three people you enjoy spending time with.
- Name ten people who have taught you something worthwhile.
- Name five friends who have helped you in a difficult time.
- List a few teachers who have aided your journey through school.
- Name half-a-dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
Easier? It was for me, too. The lesson? The people who make a difference are not the ones with the credentials, but the ones with the concern.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Do you sometimes feel God is testing you to see if you will sin? If so, you’ve got it all wrong.
As the Union Pacific Railroad was being constructed, an elaborate trestle bridge was built across a large canyon in the West. Wanting to test the bridge, the builder loaded a train with enough extra cars and equipment to double its normal payload. The train was then driven to the middle of the bridge, where it stayed an entire day. One worker asked, “Are you trying to break this bridge?”
“No,” the builder replied, “I’m trying to prove that the bridge won’t break.” In the same way, the temptations Jesus faced weren’t designed to see if He would sin, but to prove that He couldn’t. If we will let him, he will help us when face the temptations of this life as well!
SHE HOOKED HIM!
Getting married in of all places, the ninth hole!
The dress at Barrie and Tona Larsen’s wedding was casual. Very casual. Golf casual. In fact, the couple tied the knot on the ninth hole at the Fox Run Golf Course in Yankton. The new bride says the golfing wedding was her idea — and it was okay with her mother, too. Tona says her mom felt she needed ‘a golf partner more than a husband anyway.’ ***MARLAR: And guess how many years it will take to pay off the loan for the wedding. Yep, fore.
LIFE… LIVE IT
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER
Want to live a really long time? Researchers at the University of California think they might have the answer!
According to a study from the University of California, researchers found that mice on a low-calorie diet lived longer than those with a higher calorie diets. They also discovered that switching a mouse from a high-calorie diet to a low-calorie diet eliminated up to 70 percent of all genetic signs of aging that the animal had previously shown. ***MARLAR: So, in other words, the fewer calories you eat each day, the longer you can expect to live. Theoretically, if you stop eating entirely you can life forever! But then, you’d be living without chocolate… and that’s what makes life worth living.
JUST FOR FUN
Imagine a local church bribing you to come to their services! It’s happening at a church in Germany!
In Collinghorst, Germany, Father Burkhard Westphal finally figured out how to get more people to attend mass — bribe them! And it works! The priest said his flock of parishioners has grown three-fold after he started handing out $5 to everyone who attends Sunday mass. He defends the practice by saying, “The aim is to provoke and raise interest in the Church. I wanted to bring as many people as possible to talk about the Bible.” If it makes you feel better, he also noted that most people had put the money back during the collection anyway. (Ananova)
SIGNS YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ONLINE
- Tech Support calls “YOU” for help.
- You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
- When looking at road signs, you wonder why they are always “yelling” at you.
- When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word “i” should be capitalized.
- You have a vanity car tag with your screen name.
- You double click your TV remote.
- You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
How often do you lie to strangers?
Everyone tells a whopper when making small talk with strangers some of us as often as three untruths every 10 minutes. Some people tell tall tales to cover up their own insecurities when meeting new people and because it’s easier than telling the truth about themselves, reveals University of Massachusetts psychology professor Robert Feldman. Feldman says just being yourself requires more creative effort than being deceitful because it involves deciding “which attributes to emphasize and which to minimize, which impulse to follow and which to ignore.” And Feldman says folks who thought they had good radar for liars picked out a fibber’s falsehoods only 47% of the time. (National Examiner)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A firefighter from Clinton Township, Michigan, recently paid a family’s outstanding $1,023 power bill to help them get back the electricity needed for their son’s “life support.” According to ABC News, Christy Stone called 911 after she and her husband’s house lost power because their 18 year old son Troy, who has muscular dystrophy, relies on an electrically powered ventilator to “breathe and stay alive.” Christy explained her family has been overwhelmed with medical costs, given that she has a 15-year-old son who also has muscular dystrophy. Firefighter Ryan McCuen responded to the emergency call Christy Stone put in that day and said helping was “a no-brainer”. While Troy was taken to a hospital to get his ventilator hooked up to power, McCuen called the power company and paid for the family’s bill.
A Pennsylvania teenager with terminal cancer married his girlfriend on Friday, in a ceremony put on by the whole community. According to Yahoo News, 18 year old Luke Blanock wed his high school sweetheart, Natalie Britvich in a 200 person ceremony this past weekend. Almost everything needed for the teenagers’ wedding was donated by members of the Canonsburg, Pennsylvania community. The former high school basketball and baseball star was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer in December of 2013.
WHAT THE BIBLE REALLY SAYS ABOUT POLITICS
Here’s a look at five things God wants us to remember about government during political season…
* Respect Those in Authority… But Remember Honoring God Comes First
* We Have to Pay Taxes (Even If We Don’t Want to)
* We’re Called to Pray for Our Leaders
* We Are Called to Seek Justice, Defend the Oppressed and Help the Poor
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The word Oxymoron, how did we come up with it? Oxymoron sounds like someone who screws up eight times while applying pimple cream.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
FEBRUARY 26, 2016…
Eddie The Eagle—This is a true story about a ski jumper named Eddie Edwards, who worked his way to the top (couldn’t resist that) to become a ski jumper for Great Britain in the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. Taron Egerton plays Edwards while Hugh Jackman is his coach, and Christopher Walken is there, too. “Eddie The Eagle” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for sports fans.
Gods of Egypt—Yes, they do fight and don’t get along, especially Set and Hours and doesn’t that sound like Greek or Roman mythology? Anyway, Set wants to turn the world into darkness while Horis doesn’t like that. A girl is taken captive and a young man wants to rescue her. The cast includes Gerard Butler, Abbey Lee, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Rufus Sewell and Geoffrey Rush.
Triple 9—This is the code for “Officer Down.” In this action thriller, a police officer is shot as a distraction for a huge robbery. Police are blackmailed (by a Russian woman) into helping with the robbery and then things go wrong. The cast includes Casey Affleck, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Anthony Mackie, Kate Winslet and Teresa Palmer.
The Witch—Back in Old Salem, there was always trouble in the woods and here it is again, when a family moves into the wilderness to live. The cast includes Anya Taylor-Jay, Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie. “The Witch” is rated R. No rating.
Crouching Tiger: Sword of Destiny (opening in select cities)—Finally, here comes the sequel for this film that was a visual feast of color and activity. It’s opening date has been changed and changed again. The plot is a carefully kept secret, but concerns lost love, special sword and redemption. The cast includes Michelle Yeoh, Donny Wen, and Jason Scott Lee. “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny” is rated R. Rating of PG 13 for fans.
MARCH 04, 2016…
Desierto stars Gael Garcia Bernal and Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a thriller about people trying to cross the Mexican border.
London Has Fallen with Gerard Butler discovering an assassination plot.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has Margot Robbie and Tina Fey as past journalists in Afghanistan. It’s a comedy.
Zootopia is an animated film about different animal species living together in a sophisticated society. Voices of Idris Elba and Jason Bateman.
Knight of Cups is a fantasy romance starring Christian Bale.
The Wave (subtitled) is a Norwegian thriller about what would happen if a tsunami hit that country. Seriously, if one of the fjord walls collapsed.
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