March 02, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160302

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I may sound a little weird for a few minutes. I just took an Alka-Seltzer — without water.  It’s kind of freaky when you can hear your belly fizzing.

 

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

 

We used a 64KB computer to get to the moon and back safely.  Now teenage girls use 64GB iPhones to post photos on the web of them doing a duck face.

 

I never run with scissors.  (Actually, the last two words of that sentence were completely unnecessary.)

 

I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. –Romans 8:35-37

 

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. — 1 John 3:18

 

We give thanks to you, O God, we give thanks, for your Name is near; men tell of your wonderful deeds. — Psalm 75:1

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” — Genesis 2:18

 

Thought: Two powerful principles are presented here. First, God looks out for us and blesses us with what we need most. Second, God made us for relationship: relationship with him and with a husband or wife. Yes, Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7 both emphasize that some are gifted to be single, but most of us are made to be complete with another. Marriage and a godly husband or wife are a gift from God. Let’s live like they are!

 

Prayer: Holy God, I want to thank you for looking out for my needs. So many times I ask you for what I want, not what I need. Thank you for doing what is best for me and not what I want! Now, dear Father, please help me treat the significant people in my life as gifts from you. In the name of Jesus, your ultimate gift, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 John 3:2 NIV = Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MARCH 02, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 297 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL BANANA CREAM PIE DAY.

 

Today is DR. SEUSS DAY. Theodor Seuss Geisel was born in Springfield, Massachusetts. Theodor Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss, would say. “Children want the same things we want. To laugh, to be challenged, to be entertained and delighted.”

 

Today is GIVE UP EASILY DAY.  ***MARLAR: For example, I easily gave up trying to come up with a funny line for any of today’s holidays.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

NEA’s Read Across America Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, MARCH 03

I Want To Be Happy Day

International Ear Care Day

World Book Day

World Wildlife Day

National Anthem Day

Princess Day

What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 04

Benjamin Harrison Day

Courageous Follower Day

Dress in Blue Day

Employee Appreciation Day

National Day of Unplugging

World Day of Prayer

Shabbat Across America/Canada

Holy Experiment Day

International Scrapbooking Industry Day

March Forth / Do Something Day

National Grammar Day

Old Inauguration Day

Toy Soldier Day

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 05

National Day of Unplugging

National Frozen Food Day

Sock Monkey Day

National Absinthe Day

National Maple Syrup Days

Saint Piran’s Day

Iditarod Begins (5-20)

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 06

National Maple Syrup Days

Sofia Kovalevskaya Math Day

Day of the Dude

Daughters and Sons Day

Namesake Day

Oreo Cookie Day

Girl Scout Sunday

Mothering Sunday

 

MONDAY, MARCH 07

Casimir Pulaski Day

Cereal Day

Fun Facts About Names Day

National Be Heard Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 08

The Bikini Bottom Free (Crabcakes) Day

Check Your Batteries Day

Girls Write Now Day

International Women’s Day

National Proofreading Day

National Peanut Cluster Day

Organize Your Home Office Day

Unique Names Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 09

Barbie Day

Discover What Your Name Means Day

Get Over It Day

Joe Franklin Day

Panic Day

Registered Dietitian Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1836: Texas declared its independence from Mexico on the 43rd birthday of Sam Houston, the first president of the Republic of Texas.

 

1877: Republican Rutherford B. Hayes was declared the winner of the 1876 presidential election over Democrat Samuel J. Tilden, even though Tilden had won the popular vote.

 

1923: Time magazine published its first issue.

 

1925: A group of state and federal highway officials began number highways with standardized road signs. Later, north-south highways were assigned odd numbers and east-west routes were given even numbers.

 

1933: The film “King Kong,” starring Fay Wray, premiered in New York City.

 

1962: The Philadelphia Warriors beat the New York Knicks 169-147. The Warriors’ Wilt Chamberlain hit 36 field goals and 28 free throws for an NBA record 100 points.

 

1965: The popular film “The Sound of Music” premiered in New York City.

 

1977: A young comedian named Jay Leno first appeared as a guest on “The Tonight Show.”

 

1984: After 30 years, the first McDonalds franchise closed in Des Plains, Illinois, as a new one opened right across the street.

 

1988: Ray Charles received a Lifetime Achievement Grammy Award. His biggest hits were “What’d I Say,” “Georgia On My Mind,” “Hit the Road Jack,” “I Can’t Stop Loving You,” “You Don’t Know Me,” and “Busted.”

 

1987: Texas governor Bill Clements, a former member of the Southern Methodist University board of regents, said SMU had a “moral obligation” to pay student athletes because the athletes were promised money when they were recruited.

 

1992: Chicago Cubs’ second baseman Ryan Sandberg signed a 4-year contract worth $28.4-million, making him the highest paid player in baseball. For a while.

 

1994: While breaking into an Amsterdam home, a burglar woke the resident couple, who called police and hid in a closet. When police arrived, the burglar hid in the same closet. He asked the home-owners to tell police he was a friend, but they refused.

 

1997: Visitors to the mausoleum of former Philippines president Ferdinand Marcos had to use flashlights to see his corpse after the power company turned off the electricity because of a $200-thousand unpaid bill. The family said they planned to buy a generator.

 

1998: The Romanian soccer team Valcea sold midfielder Ion Radu to Petrosani for a thousand pounds of pork. The pork had an estimated street value of $2,500.

 

2003: A woman who reported a pair of expensive ski pants stolen in Austria forgot to take them off before going to the police station. She had hoped to collect on her insurance. The 23-year-old told Erpfendorf police she was so nervous about making the claim she forgot to take off the trousers.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1930: American missionary Gustav Schmidt, 39, opened the Danzig Instytut Biblijny in the Free City of Danzig (Gdansk), Poland. It was the first Pentecostal Bible institute established in Eastern Europe.

 

1934: Birthday of Dottie Rambo, contemporary gospel singer and songwriter. She has authored such country gospel favorites as “In the Valley He Restoreth My Soul,” “Build My Mansion Next Door to Jesus” and “I Just Came to Talk With You, Lord.”

 

1948: U.S. Senate Chaplain Peter Marshall prayed: ‘O God, forgive the poverty and the pettiness of our prayers. Listen not to our words but to the yearnings of our hearts. Hear beneath our petitions the crying of our need.’

 

1959: American Presbyterian apologist Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘Christianity is the greatest intellectual system the mind of man has ever touched.’

 

1979: Over 1,100 Christian organizations combined to form the Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability (ECFA). This oversight agency was created to demonstrate to the public that religious groups wanted to make themselves accountable for the funds they raise and spend.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (The Village, Spider-Man 3, Jurrasic World, The Help) Bryce Dallas Howard — Bryce is the daughter of Ron Howard, 34
  • Actress (“Saturday Night Live”) Laraine Newman, 63 (audio clip)
  • Actress (Dr. Beverly Crusher on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”) Gates McFadden, 66 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1900 : Kurt Weill

1944 : Lou Reed

1946 : John Cowsill (The Coswills)

1948 : Rory Gallagher

1949 : Eddie Money (born Edward Joseph Mahoney)

1950 : Karen Carpenter

1955 : Jay Osmond (The Osmonds)

1955 : Dale Bozzio (Missing Persons)

1956 : Mark Whitmore Evans – (AC/DC)

1962 : Jon Bon Jovi (Bon Jovi) – born John Francis Bongiovi

1977 : Chris Martin (Coldplay)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did being evasive become known as “beating around the bush?”

First let there be no misunderstanding. This phrase has nothing to do with the way some critics of the recent U. S. presidential election have greeted the man who was judged to be the winner. The expression goes back hundreds of years. When was the last time you went boar hunting? I thought so. You should know, therefore, that while shooting boars could be terribly satisfying to the noblemen who hunted them, getting too close to these sharp-toothed pigs in their own habitat was not. So the bores, uh, noblemen had young men beat the bushes to flush the boars into the open. These young guys weren’t stupid. They often evaded danger by beating near or around the bushes instead of in them, where they were supposed to be. Hence the phrase.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Kutless member James Mead on why he ate an entire batch of cookies: I ate the first one because I really wanted a cookie. I ate the second one because it was broken. The last twelve were delicious too.

 

A parenting tip from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: When you have 3 kids fighting over 1 leftover donut, you fix them something else then eat the donut yourself. It pays being the boss.

 

A suggestion for worship leaders from the We Are Worship web site: Anyone got an accordion? Come on, break out of the piano/guitar/organ thing – and have some fun!!

 

An exercise suggestion from worship leader Christy Nockels: Lately I’ve been skipping a lot, even just around the house. It’s fun and it saves time.

 

Citizenway’s Ben Blascoe was celebrating Thankful Friday this past Friday. He tweeted: Thank you Jesus for…kids sleeping through the night, cars starting in the cold, coffee and fridays!

 

Citizenways Ben Blascoe is a little cranky after a sleepless night. He tweeted: Colds and 2 year olds…worse combination than breakfast and burrito! Ben added: And for those of you who like breakfast burritos…yuck! Instead, his food of choice is cream cheese frosting and Ritz crackers. Ben says they are awesome!

 

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett stands on stage and performs in front of thousands with out blinking. Her idea of a stressful experience: Driving her beast of a vehicle through a parking deck. She tweeted this week: that “is a very very VERY stressful experience”.

 

A thought of the day from David Crowder: How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

 

Audio Adrenaline front man Adam Agee says quiet helps him prepare for each nights concert. He posted: This will always be one of my favorite parts of touring. Sitting in the empty arena and prepping for the show.

 

A word of advice from Third Day’s Mark Lee. He recently posted the Keurig coffee makers are great but they work better when you put your coffee mug underneath.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Two tourists driving in Norway’s Arctic region had to be rescued by dog sled after their GPS sent them down a road that had been closed since the early 1960s.  ***It’s important to subscribe to those free updates, folks!

 

Kim Kardashian West has defended her husband Kanye West’s recent outbursts.  The reality TV star took to her website, KimKardashianWest.com, to slam those who have criticised the rapper for his outlandish tweets, in which he has blasted stars including Wiz Khalifa, Taylor Swift and Amber Rose, and praised his new record as “the greatest album of all time”.  In a blog post entitled ‘Currently’, Kim wrote: “LOVING My Husband. HATING That people don’t get that Kanye will stand up against the whole world for his creativity and art. LISTENING TO ‘I Love Kanye.’ WEARING Yeezy Season 3 samples I took from the show.  ***Leave it to Kim Kardashian to come to the defense of her husband by telling the world what designer she’s wearing.

 

On Monday, a Donald Trump rally was repeatedly disrupted by hecklers and a Time magazine photographer said he was choked and pushed to the ground in a tussle with US Secret Service agents. CNN reports that photographer Chris Morris said he was assaulted and never hit the agent back. Morris added that he will not press charges. While at the scene, the photographer explained, “I stepped 18 inches out of the press area and then he grabbed me by the neck and started choking me and then he slammed me to the ground.”  ***It’s taking until now for the news to get out because it was CNN that reported it – so nobody was tuned in to hear it the first time.

 

Iggy Pop ditched his see-through pants and went fully nude last month for a life drawing course at the New York Academy of Art. Artists aged anywhere between 19 and 80 — yes, 80 — gathered to stare at and collectively scrutinize Iggy’s 68-year-old body for an upcoming exhibit titled Iggy Pop Life Class. ***Iggy?  More like EWWWWWy.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Health officials say one reason so many American kids are overweight is that few have a nearby place to play and exercise.  Only about one in five homes have parks within a half-mile, and about the same number have a fitness or recreation center within that distance.  A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report also finds that fewer than one in five U.S. high school students get at least an hour of physical activity a day.  ***MARLAR: However, these same kids have amazingly strong thumbs, wrists, and hand-eye coordination thanks to PlayStation and Xbox.

 

A recent study suggests that the magma chamber underneath Yellowstone Park is two and a half times larger than previously thought. That means if/when it erupts, it would be 2,000 times more powerful than the Mount St. Helens eruption in 1980.  ***MARLAR: Sleep tight tonight!

 

You know that not getting enough sleep is harmful to your health, but now you can repair some of the damage done to you body by napping. A recent study suggests that the way to reverse the damaging health effects of a poor night’s sleep are brief daytime naps. Researchers (Universite Paris Descartes-Sorbonne Paris Cite) found that naps seemed to restore hormones and proteins involved in stress and immune function to normal levels.  ***MARLAR: I’m lying down about 18 hours a day – so why am I not the healthiest guy in the world?

 

Don’t try to friend MaLi Arwood on Facebook. You won’t find her there.  You won’t find Thomas Chin, either. Or Kariann Goldschmitt. Or Jake Edelstein.  More than 900 million people worldwide check their Facebook accounts at least once a month, but millions more are Facebook holdouts.  They say they don’t want Facebook. They insist they don’t need Facebook. They say they’re living life just fine without the long-forgotten acquaintances that the world’s largest social network sometimes resurrects.  They are the resisters.  “I’m absolutely in touch with everyone in my life that I want to be in touch with,” Arwood says. “I don’t need to share triviality with someone that I might have known for six months 12 years ago.”  ***MARLAR: The problem here is that these people are naïve enough to believe there is life without Facebook – and we all know that’s not possible. Poor schmucks.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Mascara with Mouth Closed”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE…  Tim Hawkins, “Angel Dream”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey was frustrated and angry because, after spending so many long hours creating a great classical piece of music, he found Gruffy Bear listening to the very same song… composed by Millard’s arch nemesis, Mozart!

 

CLOSE: Boy, that Steve Mozart really is quite a guy!  What could Millard possibly come up with to show up such an obviously talented person?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 05/06

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were looking for a new king – because Louis the lion didn’t want to be king anymore.  It was too hard for such a little lion.  But in their searching they found another, older and wiser lion.  Maybe he’ll be the new king!

 

CLOSE: Well, it looks like even grown-up kings still have a hard time with those day-to-day decisions.  So will Louis step up and take his kingship?  We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Planning makes perfect… not planning results in a predicament.

In the spinach E.coli disaster of late 2006, a California congressman decided to show the citizens of his state that it was time to start eating spinach again. So Rep. Sam Farr staged a public spinach-eating news conference to demonstrate that the leafy greens are safe following the nationwide E. coli outbreak. Unfortunately the news conference had to be scrapped when Far couldn’t find any spinach in local grocery stores.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOU GREW UP IN THE 80S

 

  1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word “PSYCHE”.

 

  1. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”.

 

  1. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

 

  1. You saw the original “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ” on the big screen… and still know the turtles names.

 

  1. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us… head-to-toe)

 

  1. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

 

  1. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

 

  1. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

 

  1. “Don’t worry, be happy”

 

  1. You can sing the rap to the “Fresh Prince of Belair ” …and can do the “Carlton”.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The skylight is the limit… for one potential burglar.

 

FILE #1: In Germany a guy broke into a pharmacy by climbing through a skylight. But when he was ready to pack up his loot and leave he noticed that he was too short to reach the skylight so he couldn’t go back out the way he came in. He tried the doors and windows, but they were all locked. So he had no choice but to call police for help. They were more than glad to come by and free him.

 

FILE #2: Paul Paris of San Francisco, a convicted bank robber, went on a crime spree just one week after being released from prison – wearing the same clothes he wore when his probation officer photographed him the day he was released.  Apparently he’d been in jail a long time and didn’t bother to keep up with the fashion trends, because Paris was wearing 1980’s style clothes, including a Members Only jacket.  He was pretty easy to spot on the surveillance cameras.  Now he can go back to those modern-day style prison garbs.

 

FILE #3: Cruel and unusual punishment it ain’t, but is sure is odd. Prisoners at York County Prison in Pennsylvania have to purchase their condiments if they want them at mealtime. Items like ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper and sugar are no longer available to the prisoners for free, because they have a tendency to trash the condiments. A small packet of ketchup: 8-cents. A mustard packet: 10-cents. 100 sugar packets: $2.10. ***MARLAR: Getting a meal in prison that resembles real food?  Priceless.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Carrizozo, New Mexico, it’s unlawful for women to go out in public with hairy legs or faces!

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

AND DO YOU TAKE THIS DRUNK TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

A bridegroom-to-be got so drunk before his wedding that when he showed up at the altar, the angry bride-to-be not only called off the wedding… she had the groom arrested. But the day wasn’t a total loss. A guest at the wedding quickly proposed to the jilted bride. She said yes, and minutes later they were hitched. ***MARLAR: Ah, just another day at Rainbow City Trailer Park!

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is Dr. Seuss Day – so your assignment is to write a short story or a personal email about anything you’d like – but you have to do it in Dr. Seuss style!  Email or call-in with your stories and/or messages so we can share them with everyone else!

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was forbidden to “round the corners of the head?”
ANSWER: Jews (Leviticus 19:27)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a recent study, the “average man” does this six times during his life. What?

ANSWER: Falls in love

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Americans on average use about 50 pounds of paper per year per person. (False – it’s closer to 580 pounds per person)

 

  1. Annually 7 tons of gold is used to make wedding rings in the United States. (False – 17 tons)

 

  1. Seating on the first scheduled intercity commuter airplane flight consisted of moveable wicker chairs. (True. There were 11 of them on the first Ford Tri-Motors. After several years, Ford replaced them with aluminum-framed leather chairs.)

 

  1. The female name Vanessa is Greek for “vanity.” (False, it means “butterfly.”)

 

  1. The first envelopes with gummed flaps were produced in 1844. (True. In Britain, they were not immediately popular because it was thought to be a serious insult to send a person’s saliva to someone else.)

 

  1. People have been growing roses for more than 5,000 years. (True)

 

  1. Thirty thousand monkeys were used in the massive three-year effort to classify the various types of flu. (False, they were doing experiments for polio.)

 

  1. The Concorde holds two world speed records for commercial flights. (True. In 1992, it circled the globe from east to west in 32 hours, 49 minutes and three seconds. Three years later, the Concorde flew west to east in 31 hours, 27 minutes and 49 seconds.)

 

  1. A bibliophile is a collector of bibles. (False – collector of rare books. A bibliopole is a seller of rare books.)

 

  1. The largest jellyfish in the world has a bell that can reach 8 feet across and tentacles that extend over half the length of a football field. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WORLD’S HAIRIEST _______ (GIRL)

She’s called  ”monkey face” and  ”wolf girl”, but the world’s hairiest girl,12-year-old Supatra Sasuphan, is very happy.

The schoolgirl, whose face is covered in hair through a rare genetic condition which afflicts just 50 people worldwide, initially faced merciless teasing at school in Bangkok.

But rather than let the condition ruin her life, Supatra says she enjoys being a world record holder and is even one of the most popular girls at her school.

She works hard and is one of the better students in her school, and even has ambitions to become a doctor – so she can “look after the sick and her own family”.

Likewise her parents, who found out about her condition when she was born, say she is just “a normal little girl.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time.  “Class,” said he, “My name begins with the letter `M’ and I pick up things…. What am I?”
A little boy on the front row said, “Mom!”

 

JOKE #2

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said:  ‘Let me see if I’ve got this right.  ‘You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.  You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.  You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.  ‘You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.   ‘You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.  You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.   ‘You want me to do all this and then you tell me…… I CAN’T PRAY?

 

JOKE #3

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”

“Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Discouraging news for people hoping that antioxidant vitamins might prolong their lives.  An analysis of dozens of studies finds people downing antioxidant vitamins — including A E, and C — don’t live longer.  In fact, the higher-quality studies pointed to a greater risk of death for those taking vitamins, although the actual cause of death in most studies was unknown.  ***MARLAR: My guess is that it’s from people choking to death trying to take giant vitamin horse pills.

 

Mosquitoes can track people up to 110 yards away by the substances in their breath. ***MARLAR: So to avoid mosquito bites, don’t exhale.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

TEN DOLLAHS IS TEN DOLLAHS

Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said “Ya know Mahtha, Ah’d like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane”.
Every year Martha would say, “Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs”. So Stumpy says “By Jeebers Mahtha, I’m 71 yeahs old, if I don’t go this time I may nevah go”. Martha replies, “Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs…and ten dollahs is ten dollahs”.
So the pilot overhears them and says, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won’t charge you, but just one word and it’s ten dollars”.
They agree and up they go… the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing… so fair is fair and he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn’t!”
And Stumpy replies, “Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha theah fell out… but then, ten dollahs IS ten dollahs!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BRAIN DRAIN

Two United States brain surgeons cut open a patient’s head before realizing they were operating on the wrong side!

Kevin Walsh was admitted to the hospital with a blood clot on the right side of his brain. Doctor’s Rene Kotzen and Mick Chou opened up the left side before realizing the mistake and then they operated on the right. An investigation is underway and the surgeons have been suspended from Long Island College Hospital, New York. ***MARLAR: The patient says he has half a mind to sue them…

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SIGNS ON CHURCH PROPERTY

“No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”

“Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!”

“Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”

“Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”

“Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”

“When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright.”

“Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”

“Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”

“How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?”

“It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”

“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”

“If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”

“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”

“Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”

“This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?” (U R)

“Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”

“In the dark? Follow the Son.”

“Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”

“If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

“Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DIRECTIONLESS

Read: Proverbs 3:5-6

He will make your paths straight. –Proverbs 3:6

I have a problem. I’ll admit it. I can’t remember how to get anywhere without directions! I don’t know north from south. I can get lost trying to find my way to the dentist–the one I’ve been going to for 4 years. Heck, if I take a wrong exit, I can get lost getting here to the radio station!

My directional deficiency became apparent in driver’s training. My instructor told me to head back to the high school. I had no clue but made a lucky left turn. I began to realize that I should carry a compass and a road map in my glove compartment at all times. I wondered if I might soon be labeled “directionally challenged.”

I can hear all you successful navigators out there laughing out loud. Go ahead and humor yourself. I’m secure with my own general lack of direction. That is, unless we’re talking about the road of life. When I’m wondering what tomorrow will bring, I sometimes beg God to show me what’s ahead. And often I remain–clueless.

That’s why I’m intrigued by the story of a servant in Genesis 24. He set out to find a wife for Abraham’s son Isaac. Not just any girl would do. When he arrived at Abraham’s homeland, he asked God to send a young woman who would kindly draw water for him and his camels from the city well. When the beautiful Rebekah fulfilled his request, he praised God for leading him on the journey.

Abraham’s servant found Isaac’s wife by putting one foot in front of the other. He stepped out in faith, and God continued giving him more direction. The servant always had just enough information at just the right time.

It’s not likely that God will give me a detailed map of my life for the next 3 months or the next 3 years. All I know is that He wants me to pray and to obey His Word. I must have faith that God wants what’s best for me–and that He’ll give me more specific directions at just the right time.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

BIG BUCKS

The excitement may have waned a bit in the States, but the television show “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” has been a hit in countries throughout the world. Now, a variation of the program has come to Russia, but winners won’t exactly win big bucks…

…The financially strapped Russian television station isn’t able to give away a million rubles, so they are giving away 1,361 instead. That works out to be $47.46 in US currency. Given the lack of prize money, they’ve changed the name to “Who Wants To Be Fabulously Wealthy?” They say that since they can’t give away a lot of money, they’re making the questions really easy. One million rubles, by the way, works out to be $34,756 in the US dollars. ***MARLAR: The show has so little money that if you have to “phone a friend” it has to be in their cell plan’s “Friends Circle.”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

MIRACLE, OR COINCIDENCE?

If you’re not one to believe in miracles very quickly, then try explaining this one away as mere coincidence.

For 15 years, Linda Bothe sat at a desk against the north corner in her office at a funeral parlor, then for no reason at all she moved it. She doesn’t know why she decided to move her desk after all these years, she just did. Just a few days later, a sport utility vehicle barreled through the wall, exactly where her desk used to be located, and crashed into her old workspace. “I think God was looking out for me,” says Linda… admitting that she may have been killed if it had not been for the unexplainable desire to suddenly move her desk. Linda, who works at Uecker-Witt Funeral Home in Wisconsin, was usually at her computer at 7:45 each morning. But that fateful morning, she had taken her car to be serviced and was a few minutes late. A second little coincidence/miracle that saved Linda’s life. When Linda drove to work, she was shocked to see a Chevy Blazer had crashed through the wall and landed inches from her desk, spewing bricks, concrete and insulation around the room like deadly shrapnel.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

We all could be in some kind of danger at the office.

If you work outside the home, there’s a good chance someone wants to wallop you. A new survey shows that one out of six U-S workers got so angry at a co-worker during the past year, they felt like hitting the co-worker… but they didn’t. Incredibly, among workers under age 35 and those in sales, office or clerical jobs, 22 percent said they wanted to strike a fellow employee.  ***MARLAR: So look around, and if there’s nobody you work with that you want to hit – you’re likely the one.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLD

  • You find yourself shopping for a nice Ben-Gay scented candle.
  • On any form requiring someone to contact in case of emergency, you list your local funeral home director.
  • You finally quit wondering if it’s possible to borrow against your 401k.
  • You start understanding the jokes in the daily Ziggy comic.
  • You remember when Phil Collins still had hair.
  • You find yourself excited at the thought of buying new orthopedic shoe inserts.
  • You need less mileage and more roughage.
  • All the prime time TV shows come on after you’re in bed.
  • Everyone seems too young to be doing what they’re doing.
  • The snap, crackle, pop comes from you and not the cereal.
  • You start ordering oatmeal in Mexican restaurants.
  • You stop dressing for success and start dressing for support.
  • All print is fine print.
  • You have to build an extension to your make-up table.
  • You stop buying green bananas.
  • You can finally afford to lose golf balls, but can’t hit any that far anyway.
  • It takes longer to rest than it does to get tired.
  • You don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go with her.
  • You read the obits every day.
  • You finally find something you’ve been looking for, for ages… but can’t remember WHY you wanted it.
  • Most of your sentences begin with, “When I was your age…”
  • Everyone is happy to give you a ride; because they don’t want you behind the wheel.
  • Your bifocals need glasses.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

People change their names all the time for various reasons… but one woman has decided to name herself after her favorite car!

In 2002 a woman from England who couldn’t even drive at the time, changed her last name to that of her dream car — Subaru Impreza. Natalie Elliott decided not to go back to her maiden name after getting divorced, because she wanted something more exciting. She said she wanted something more racy and decided to go for the name of her favorite car. Natalie says her friends and family think she’s gone mad. ***MARLAR: Perhaps they meant she was driving them crazy?

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

As a guy who works for Christian radio – and has been doing so since 1990 – it’s easy to start thinking that I m not making much of a difference for the kingdom outside of, well, the kingdom.  I often feel it’s only the church choir that is hearing me.  And that in itself would be fine, but if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that unbelievers were listening to me – even one single unbeliever – would that change what I do, or how I do it?  Well, a study released at the 2015 NRB convention indicates that my thinking has been flawed – it’s not just the church who is hearing me.  The study by Lifeway research examined just who exactly engages with Christian books, radio, TV, and movies. It found that a quarter to a third of people who frequently watch Christian movies or TV or listen to Christian radio are unchurched. So right now 1 in 4 people (possibly as many as 1 in 3) hearing my voice don’t know Christ.  That’s pretty humbling – and it confirms that I have quite a heavy responsibility.  (See the survey at http://bit.ly/1DUl2nY)

 

In a new Special Report, Dr. James Dobson talks about the importance of grace and forgiveness in the life of the believer, especially as it relates to spouses and children. Dr. Dobson says: Too often the ones closest to us are the ones that experience the least of these attributes from us. In the free resource he will encourage you to give your family your best when it comes to these two critical attributes. Access your copy of Grace and Forgiveness at http://bit.ly/1xbsKsD

 

NBA coach Monty Williams is choosing to forgive the family who killed his wife. Ingrid Williams’ vehicle was hit head-on by a vehicle that lost control and crossed lanes. Earlier this month the Oklahoma City Thunder’s coach stood in the pulpit and gave God glory during his wife’s eulogy. According to the Charisma news article, Williams referenced Romans 8:28 and said: “This is hard for my family, but this will work out. And my wife would punch me if I were to sit up here and whine about what is going on. That doesn’t take away the pain, but it will work out because God causes all things to work out.”

http://goo.gl/jeSPXh

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’ve come to the conclusion that whoever said that there’s a fine line between genius and insanity truly must have been a genius. Or maybe an insane person.  Definitely one of those two.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 26, 2016…

 

Eddie The Eagle—This is a true story about a ski jumper named Eddie Edwards, who worked his way to the top (couldn’t resist that) to become a ski jumper for Great Britain in the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. Taron Egerton plays Edwards while Hugh Jackman is his coach, and Christopher Walken is there, too.  “Eddie The Eagle” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for sports fans.

 

Gods of Egypt—Yes, they do fight and don’t get along, especially Set and Hours and doesn’t that sound like Greek or Roman mythology?  Anyway,  Set wants to turn the world into darkness while Horis doesn’t like that.  A girl is taken captive and a young man wants to rescue her. The cast includes Gerard Butler, Abbey Lee, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Rufus Sewell and Geoffrey Rush.

 

Triple 9—This is the code for “Officer Down.” In this action thriller, a police officer is shot as a distraction for a huge robbery.  Police are blackmailed (by a Russian woman) into helping with the robbery and then things go wrong.  The cast includes Casey Affleck, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Anthony Mackie, Kate Winslet and Teresa Palmer.

 

The Witch—Back in Old Salem, there was always trouble in the woods and here it is again, when a family moves into the wilderness to live. The cast includes Anya Taylor-Jay, Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie. “The Witch” is rated R. No rating.

 

Crouching Tiger: Sword of Destiny (opening in select cities)—Finally, here comes the sequel for this film that was a visual feast of color and activity.  It’s opening date has been changed and changed again. The plot is a carefully kept secret, but concerns lost love, special sword and redemption. The cast includes Michelle Yeoh, Donny Wen,  and Jason Scott Lee. “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny” is rated R. Rating of PG 13 for fans.

 

MARCH 04, 2016…

 

Desierto stars Gael Garcia Bernal and Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a thriller about people trying to cross the Mexican border.

 

London Has Fallen with Gerard Butler discovering an assassination plot.

 

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has Margot Robbie and Tina Fey as past journalists in Afghanistan. It’s a comedy.

 

Zootopia is an animated film about different animal species living together in a sophisticated society.  Voices of Idris Elba and Jason Bateman.

 

Knight of Cups is a fantasy romance starring Christian Bale.

 

The Wave (subtitled) is a Norwegian thriller about what would happen if a tsunami hit that country. Seriously, if one of the fjord walls collapsed.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.