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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
The boss said if I do a good show today I get to paint new lines in the radio station parking lot.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we both know I’m hilarious.
I already want to take a nap tomorrow.
I’m not totally useless… I can be used as a bad example.
Today I will be happier than a bird with a French fry.
It’s a bad idea in theaters, sure – but you really shouldn’t yell “FIRE!” in a gun store either.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” – James A. Garfield
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. — 2 Peter 3:9
He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed his steps; I have kept to his way without turning aside. — Job 23:10-11
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way. — Proverbs 19:2
Thought: Maybe one of the most important things we can do to grow in spiritual maturity is to find the right things to get passionate about. We can get riled up about some of the most inconsequential issues. We can get wildly passionate about everything from sports to chocolate pie. But zeal, passion for an issue, must be anchored to spiritual wisdom and understanding. We can get worked up over something and completely miss the will of the Lord because we were blinded by our own passions. While I want zealous people around me, I want them to be zealous for God’s things and for Kingdom issues.
Prayer: Powerful and perfect God, I find it so easy to get “all wound up” about something and then lose my zeal for it by the next morning, or I get so roused to action, I go off half-cocked and do terrible damage. Dear Father, please give me the wisdom to see what is best and right and true. Holy God, I want to serve and honor you and bless others in your name. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Proverbs 3:5 NIV = Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
TODAY IS MONDAY – MARCH 05, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 294 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is ACT GOOFY DAY, a day to do silly things just for the fun of it. ***Celebrated here on any day that ends in a “Y”.
This is AUTOGRAPH COLLECTING WEEK. ***It’s a well-known fact that autographs are worth more if they are rare. I haven’t been asked for my autograph in over three years – so my autograph is worth a LOT!
Today is NATIONAL CHEESE DOODLE DAY. ***Nothing big here, I just like saying “cheese doodle.”
On this day in 1984 the Los Angeles Express signed Brigham Young quarterback Steve Young for $42-million. When the USFL folded less than a year later it paid Young a guaranteed $35-million. The resulting long-term annuity will pay Steve until 2027. ***Isn’t that the American Dream – hardly working, yet getting a ton of money for it? That’s what I’m working towards. I don’t have the “ton-of-money” part yet, but I’ve got “hardly working” part down pat.
Speaking of hardly working, this is NATIONAL PROCRASTINATION WEEK. ***Which I should’ve told you about four days ago.
THE PROCRASTINATORS CREED
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or to find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is never exactly zero.
If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.”
TODAY IS ALSO…
Casimir Pulaski Day
Fun Facts About Names Day
National Absinthe Day
National Poutine Day
Saint Piran’s Day
World Tennis Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
TUESDAY, MARCH 06
Unique Names Day
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 07
National Be Heard Day
National Cereal Day
Discover What Your Name Means Day
THURSDAY, MARCH 08
Day for Women’s Rights & International Peace
Girls Write Now Day
International Women’s Day
International Working Women’s Day
National Proofreading Day
National Peanut Cluster Day
National Retro Video Game Day
The Bikini Bottom Free (Crabcakes)
World Kidney Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 09
SATURDAY, MARCH 10
International Bagpipe Day
International Day of Awesomeness
Land Line Telephone Day
National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day
Salvation Army Day
US Paper Money Day
Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day
International Fanny Pack Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 11
MONDAY, MARCH 12
Fill Our Staplers Day
Girl Scout Birthday Day
ON THIS DAY
1912: The Oreo cookie was born at the National Biscuit Company in New York. Since then, somebody has eaten over 62 billion of them. That’s enough to stack and reach the moon and back five times.
1934: The first Mother-in-Law Day was celebrated in Amarillo, Texas, sponsored by newspaper editor Gene Howe.
1955: Elvis Presley made his first-ever television appearance in Shreveport on the Louisiana Hayride.
1960: Sergeant Elvis Presley was discharged honorably from the U.S. Army. (audio clip)
1963: American country singers Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas, and Hawkshaw Hawkins were killed when their single-engine plane crashed near Camden, Tennessee. They were on their way from Nashville to do a benefit for the widow of deejay Cactus Jack Call, who had been killed in an auto accident.
1977: Jimmy Carter became the first president to host a radio talk show when he took questions from 42 listeners in 26 states on Ask President Carter. Walter Cronkite co-hosted the program.
1982: Comedian John Belushi died of a drug overdose at age 33.
1984: The Los Angeles Express signed Brigham Young quarterback Steve Young for $42-million. When the USFL folded less than a year later it paid Young a guaranteed $35-million. The resulting long-term annuity will pay Steve until 2027.
1996: Township Trustees in Milan, Ohio, agreed to pay the electric bill at the Thomas Edison Museum, so the power company wouldn’t have to turn off the lights at the birthplace of the man who invented the light bulb.
1997: Alabama researchers at Auburn University announced they had achieved a 90% success rate at changing newborn female crappie fish into males by feeding them male hormones. Researchers said males grow into larger fish and are better for both fishing and eating.
2001: Vice President Dick Cheney underwent an angioplasty for a partially blocked artery after going to a hospital with chest pains.
2003: In a warning to the U. S. and Britain, the foreign ministers of France, Germany, and Russia said they would block any attempt to get U.N. approval for war against Iraq.
2003: A 48-year-old German man has been arrested in Rome after being caught jogging naked through a park. The man said he hadn’t realized it was against the law to run naked in Italy.
2005: Martha Stewart was convicted in New York of obstructing justice and lying to the government about why she’d unloaded her Imclone stock just before the price plummeted. She served a five-month prison sentence.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1179: Alexander III convokes the Third Lateran Council. Attended by 300 bishops, it gave the College of Cardinals the exclusive right to elect the pope (by a two-thirds majority) and enacted measures against the Waldensians and Albigensians.
1409: The College of Cardinals convokes the Council of Pisa to end the Great Schism, which had divided Western Christendom in 1378 by the election of rival popes. Unfortunately, all the Council of Pisa did was to produce another candidate for the papacy.
1743: The Christian History, America’s first religious magazine, is published in Boston in the midst of the Great Awakening. The weekly publication, “containing accounts of the propagation and revival of religion,” is not to be confused with our magazine—though we’re proud to carry on the name.
1797: The three-masted ship Duff arrives in Tahiti’s Matavai Bay, completing a 207-day voyage from London. The ship, commanded by Captain John Wilson, had aboard 37 artisans and pastors of the London Missionary Society (L.M.S.) and their families, who were to be resettled in the South Pacific on the islands of Tahiti, Tonga and the Marquesas.
1899: Alcoholic-turned-evangelist Sam Jones begins a crusade in Toledo, Ohio, where the mayor was also named Sam Jones. Mayor Jones at first welcomed the publicity, but he worried when evangelist Jones decried the city’s immorality (if the Devil were mayor of Toledo, the preacher said, he wouldn’t change a thing). Nonetheless, the mayor was reelected the next month by a huge margin.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (Hitch, Ghost Rider, The Women) Eva Mendes 40
actress (“Enterprise”, Slow Burn) Jolene Blalock 43
actor (“Unhappily Ever After”, “Entourage”, The Notebook) Kevin Connolly 44
Magician/comedian Penn Jillette 63
Comic/actress (Rosalind ‘Roz’ Russell on “Night Court”) Marsha Warfield is 64 (audio clip)
actor (Cold Steel, “Hill Street Blues”, Species 3) Michael Warren 72
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1938 : Paul Evans
1939 : Tommy Tucker
1946 : Murray Head
1947 : Eddie Hodges
1948 : Eddie Grant
1952 : Alan Clark (Dire Straits)
1956 : Teena Marie
1958 : Andy Gibb (Andrew Roy Gibb)
1962 : Craig Reid & Charlie Reid (The Proclaimers)
1970 : John Frusciante (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why do we refer to kids as “small fry?”
This phrase, often used affectionately, presents quite an image when you think about it. Of course, it could be worse. You’re not suggesting we envision them boiled in oil, just dipped in some fat and quick-heated over a high flame. Food is often used to suggest something diminutive. For example, we might say that something is “peanuts” or “small potatoes.” And “fry,” in another context, describes small fish that are eaten fried. But in this context, it’s got nothing to do with fish. In fact, it’s not connected to food of any kind. This fry comes from the Old Norse word “frjo,” which means kids. It’s that simple. Small fry, then, is redundant, since children tend to be small in the first place. But since you always have to tell them at least twice to do anything…
Source: Who Put the Butter in Butterfly? By David Feldman
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
The ongoing battle between smokers and non-smokers apparently extends to the workplace. According to a new survey, more than 40 percent of non-smokers believe they should get three to five extra vacation days per year, to compensate for all the time their smoking co-workers spend on cigarette breaks. A nearly equal percentage of smokers, however, believe that non-smokers are not entitled to any additional vacation days. The average worker who smokes spends the equivalent of about six days per year on cigarette breaks according to the study but that average varies greatly by industry. The study was commissioned by Halo, a maker of electronic cigarettes. ***Or you could flip it and start taking smoking breaks to get that time off! They still make candy cigarettes, right? There you go.
The expensive furniture order for Secretary Ben Carson’s private dining room at the Department of Housing and Urban Development “has officially been canceled.” Carson said: “I was as surprised as anyone to find out that a $31,000 dining set had been ordered. I have requested that the order be canceled. We will find another solution for the furniture replacement.” ***Good to hear – not be responsible with my tax money and get the rest of your furniture at IKEA.
A doctor was arrested in Belgium for driving at 110 miles-per-hour while kissing his girlfriend. Police say the 64-year-old was so caught up in what he was doing that he didn’t realize he sped right by a motorcycle cop. The police officer said the doctor was still kissing the woman when he caught up with them. ***Just because you’re driving a love bug doesn’t mean you have to act like it at all times behind the wheel.
In Kansas City, a woman out on a date got shot in the leg by the man who had taken her out! The woman, who has not been identified, was shot in the leg through her car door. She reportedly got out of the car when he began shooting inside. She was running to her car when the man allegedly rode past the woman’s vehicle and shot at her through the car door. The gunman made his way home to Lee’s Summit, Missouri, where he was arrested by local police. No motive has been identified yet. ***Smith & Wesson… end your dates with a bang!
In Corsicana, Texas, the statue of a gorilla that had been in a children’s play area in a park has been removed after complaints that “it was racially insensitive.” ***No – calling a black person a gorilla is racially insensitive. Calling a gorilla a gorilla is stating the obvious. You would realize that if you weren’t a maladjusted snowflake looking for inanimate objects to be offended by.
Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said in an interview that “David Bowie wasn’t a musical genius.” ***Meanwhile, Charlie makes a living by banging on stuff.
Malibu has banned restaurants from giving out plastic straws, stirrers and utensils. ***Actually, more than those things – the most plastic I see there is plastic surgery. How about we start by cutting that down by about 90-percent?
A study says the average person on hold becomes fed up after nine minutes. ***That’s a lot of patience. I hang up the phone if no one picks up after six rings.
Providence, Rhode Island, has issued more than 12,000 speeding tickets in the first 33 days of a new school-zone speed camera program. ***That’s more than 363 speeding tickets every single day of the week! ***I hope they are prepared to also ticket people for road rage – because there’s no way it’s not coming soon.
It was 50 years ago this month that the Beatles released “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.” ***Meaning many people who heard “When I’m 64” when it was first released are now actually 64.
Will the Academy Award statue get a redesign in the near future so that it’s the figure of a woman or non-gender being? There’s talk about doing so. ***How is that supposed to work though? You receive a statue that looks like a woman or appears genderless… but it’s still called OSCAR.
PBS is going to launch a new conservative talk show, called “In Principle.” ***But it’s right-leaning program on a left-leaning network – so it’s only going to work “in principle”.
U.S. oil production hit an all-time high in November. ***It takes a lot to oil the squeaks in D.C.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(PERENNIAL) Watch your language! At least in L.A. this week. In Los Angeles this is No Cussing Week (March 3-9). The idea came from anti-cussing kid McKay Hatch in 2009 – and the city passed his idea and has been celebrating the week each year ever since. McKay started the No Cussing Club at South Pasadena High School and hopes to get the whole state of California to have a cursing-free week. Then, he says, who knows — maybe a worldwide no cussing week. McKay adds a week without bad language shows you can live without those four-letter words. ***My dad wouldn’t allow cursing in our home – so I failed English because I wrote everything in block lettering. (I know now there’s a difference between cursing and cursive, but whenever I sign a check I still feel kinda naughty.)
(PERENNIAL) Spring is just around the corner and the severe storm season isn’t far behind. In response, weather service officials are out with a list of items to have in a disaster supply kit. Items include a 3-day supply of water, food that won’t spoil, a first aid kit and a battery powered portable radio. Also on the list are emergency tools, cash, a flashlight with extra batteries, and prescription medicines. ***So, essentially, it’s the same as the Zombie Apocalypse kit you already have, minus the AK47.
A survey has found that sending a text message is now the most popular way to ask someone out on a first date. ***It’s also the most popular way to tell someone they are a complete loser for not having the guts to ask you out in person.
If you eat a polar bear liver you will die, humans can’t handle that much vitamin A. ***Nor can we handle that much damage from PETA members tearing out our own livers for daring to think of eating a polar bear.
Teens are texting more than ever. A report from Pew Internet & American Life Project revealed that the amount of texts sent and receive each day among teenagers has jumped in the past few years. Teens on average are sending and receiving 60 texts each day. ***If you’ve not done the math, here’s how that works out… assuming you have eight hours for sleep, that comes to between three and four texts per hour. Really? How many times can you type LOL without annoying the recipient?
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As The Jungle Turns! Last time, Cheetah Bonita decided she didn’t want to sing three-part harmony with her sisters any longer… she wanted to go solo. But both of her sisters hated that idea – and so did Gruffy Bear. Music in the jungle just wouldn’t be the same without that three part harmony. And then, Nozzles the Elephant stopped by…
CLOSE: Boy, it’s beginning to look like everybody wants to be solo – and nobody wants to harmonize! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
A flower show pollinates a Moment of Duh.
When entering a flower show, it’s usually a good idea to have some experience with flowers. I guess you actually have to tell that to some people. Today’s inDUHvidual was a participant in the North Otago, New Zealand, Horticultural Society’s Summer Flower, Plant and Produce Show. (In other words, it was a flower show.) This person actually won first prize with her plant! The judges just knew that she had spent lots of tender loving care with her entry… until they noticed a flower shop’s price tag which was still on the bottom of the plant.
TOP TEN EXCUSES GIVEN BY THE GUARDS AT THE EMPTY TOMB
10. “I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when I tried to give him a tip!”
9. “I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!”
8. “With the earth shakin’ and all the bright lights, we figgered we was abducted by aliens!”
7. “Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I’m afraid you’re speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form and direct you to Burial Services.”
6. “As we’ve already stated several times before, according to the legal definition of “escape”, we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!”
5. “We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!”
4. “You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how (Mat. 27:65). We did! May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?
3. “All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!
2. “Hey! What’d you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of God?–NOOOOOOOOO!”
1. “What’s the big deal? He said He’d be back!”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Being polite and waiting patiently only works if you’re playing by the rules. If you are too polite while robbing a bank you end up in the files of Law & Disorder!
FILE #1: In Harlingen, Texas, Manuel De La Garza walked into a bank, with intentions of walking out with some cash. At the first teller window he told an employee it was a heist and to give him all the money in the vault. He then approached the second teller, allegedly telling her the same thing, then moved on to the third teller, where he asked her to empty her pockets and give him all her money as well. Then, witnesses say, De La Garza sat on a chair in the lobby, waiting patiently as the tellers filled the bags. Little did he know that the first teller had tripped a silent alarm. When police arrived he was sitting in the lobby, still waiting for his money.
FILE #2: Justin John Boudin, 27, of St. Paul, Minnesota, pleaded guilty to assault after he began yelling at a 59-year-old woman at a bus stop and hit her in the face when she tried to call police on a cell phone. When a 63-year-old man tried to intervene, he hit the man with a blue folder and fled. He was tracked down via the folder, which contained his homework from the anger management class he was on the way to.
FILE #3: Michael Ray Hunter found out Wednesday night that the parking lot of the West Virginia State Police headquarters isn’t the right spot. A trooper just happened to be walking nearby as Hunter was relieving himself. As the trooper approached, he smelled alcohol. That discovery led the trooper to the pickup truck where Hunter’s buddy, James Alan Richardson, was checking phone messages. During a search of the truck, the trooper found a marijuana pipe and pills – which Richardson had no prescription for. Both men were arrested.
STRANGE LAW: In California no car WITHOUT a driver can go over 60 mph.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
A man is arrested but has nothing to say – because his mouth is full of drugs!
Frank Jones’ mother obviously taught him to never talk with his mouth full. Ordinarily that would be good advice, except when you’ve stuffed your mouth full of marijuana after being pulled over by the cops. In an effort to hide his stash, Frank crammed all his dope into his mouth as the officers were walking to the car. The officer first noticed marijuana smoke billowing out of the car, then he saw Frank’s bulging cheeks and bits of marijuana scattered all over his shirt and in his lap. He was busted without ever saying a word.
Do you hide spare keys outside your house? A friend of mine hides hers under a flowerpot. But I told her that’s the first place thieves will look! And you certainly don’t want to put a key under your doormat or above the door! So, where are the best places outside to hide a house key?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: In the book of Revelation, How many were sealed from each tribe of Israel?
ANSWER: 12,000 (Revelation7:5-8)
QUESTION: What percentage of Miss America winners gained weight during the year of their reign?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. There are 5 thousand scent receptors located in a human beings nose. (False – five million.)
2. A giraffe can go longer without water than a camel. (True)
3. Dunkin’ Donut shops located in the Middle East sell donuts that are filled with figs. (True)
4. The world’s largest peanut producing facility is the Skippy peanut butter plant. (False, it’s the JIF plant located in Lexington, Kentucky, USA.)
5. People who have eaten beetles say that it tastes like chicken. (False, it tastes like apples.)
6. The milk bottle was created in 1802. (False, 1884, by Dr. Hervey D. Thatcher)
7. Broccoli was first introduced into France during the royal marriage of Catherine de Medici to Henry II of France. (True)
8. Male koalas mark their territory by rubbing their buttocks on a tree. (False – they rub their chests on a tree. Male koalas have a dark scent gland in the middle of their chest.)
9. The toes of mummies were wrapped individually. (True)
10. Apples, not caffeine, are most efficient at waking up in the morning. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
FACEBOOK ________ CONTROL (MIND)
Rumors are swirling that Facebook is using mind control techniques to control the lives of users. Is FB planning a world takeover?
Mind Control experts at CIA Headquarters in Quantico, VA met with WWN in New York last week to discuss – Facebook.
The CIA experts wanted WWN to keep their identities private, but they went on the record to discuss a detailed strategy that Facebook is utilizing (with help from the CIA) to control the minds of Americans, and citizens around the world.
“Facebook is slowing implementing a plan to get Americans and people around the globe to behave in ways that they believe is best for the planet,” said one of the sources. The whole idea of “status updates” was to get users involved in a mindless (and supposedly harmless) activity, posting what they were doing at any moment in the day. But, Facebook has been collecting that “data” and using it to create mind control applications that are being places on Facebook pages.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
“I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try!”
“Poof!” said the genie, “You’re a housewife!”
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.” The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.
She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, “I suppose you will want some identification.”
He replied, without hesitation, “No ma’am, that won’t be necessary.”
“How come?” asked the woman.
“Crooks don’t buy peat moss,” answered the clerk.
Self.com found 60% of online participates would rather go to the dentist than go on a blind date. ***Imagine the horror if their friends had set them up on a blind date with a dentist!
In only 11 months, starting from when it is but a tiny egg, a whale grows about 23 feet and puts on about 15 tons. And THEN it’s born! ***This is a situation where whaling is legal. Giving birth to a fifteen-ton baby? Name me a woman who wouldn’t start wailing!
It’s illegal to lock your car in Churchill, Manitoba, Canada…in case someone needs to get inside to hide from a polar bear. ***Or a life insurance salesman.
IN THE BAG
I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.
After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, “Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?”
I said, “No thanks, I’m saving it for my kids.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
DUCT TAPE… IT’S NOT FOR EVERYTHING
Parents in Hudson, Massachusetts are suing the “A Place To Grow” daycare for what they call a pattern of abuse put on their children. 3 families claim their infants were force-fed, exposed to infectious diseases, spent naptime with blankets over their heads, and were duct taped to the wall! State investigators said the center’s director had been talking about the versatility of duct tape and decided to find out if it really “did work on everything.” ***MARLAR: I’m betting duct tape won’t hold onto the money Mr. Daycare Operator is about to lose.
PHONER: Daycare horror stories – do you have any? Did you discover your babysitter had done something awful? Any nightmare babysitting stories you’ve experienced yourself either as a babysitter or a parent (or if you remember them as a child)?
Unclean was the word the Pharisees most feared. They spent hours washing pots, spots, and dots! They followed and amplified to impossible proportions every little hygienic requirement of the Mosaic Law. Jesus answered the objections of the Pharisees by pointing out that unclean refers more to a state of the heart than to a state of the hands.
Bad attitudes, anger, adulteries, and arrogance cannot be removed from the human heart by any amount of hand washing. Unlike unclean foods that are simply processed through the body and the wastes removed naturally, unclean attitudes sit like poison in the human spirit and wait to spring into actions.
Aaron learned the mystery of cleansing before God: “Then he must dip his finger into the blood and sprinkle it seven times over the altar. In this way, he will cleanse it from Israel’s defilement and return it to its former holiness” (Leviticus 16:19). Water may cleanse the body, but only blood can cleanse the spirit! Reach out and apply that blood to your spirit today.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A LIFE-AND-DEATH MATTER
Mart De Haan II
Read: Romans 8:12-18
If by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. – Romans 8:13
Nature is violent. Life and death are the law of field, stream, and jungle. A lion stalks a gazelle. A heron stands motionless at the edge of a pond, its sharp beak poised and ready to kill. High overhead a red-tailed hawk holds its deadly talons close to its body, watching for movement in the grass below. A leopard family exists at a zebra’s expense. Each survives on another’s demise. This sounds natural enough, but it’s more graphic than most of us care to watch.
The principle that nothing lives unless something else dies extends beyond nature to our daily walk with God. Interests of the flesh must succumb to the interests of the Spirit, or else the interests of the Spirit will succumb to the interests of the flesh (Romans 8:13). In the jungles and fields and streams of our own heart, something must always die so that something else can live.
We can’t be committed to Christ and to the world at the same time. We can’t be filled with His Spirit if we are protecting the life of selfish interests. That’s why our Lord said so pointedly that we will need to die daily to ourselves if we are going to walk with Him (Luke 9:23-24). We must continually choose what will have to die so that Christ can live freely in us.
Is there any life so blessed
As one lived for Christ alone,
When the heart from self is emptied,
And instead becomes His throne? —Anon.
To live for Christ, we must die to self.
WALK LIKE A MAN
A crook in Philadelphia not only stole a woman’s purse, but he also tried to steal her identity. And her look.
…Clayton Lindsay was arrested trying to buy a car with a stolen credit card. In order to fool the dealership, Lindsay, who is 6-foot-four and 190 lbs., dressed as a woman. Suspicious, the dealership ran a credit check, it discovered that the woman had been the victim of fraud and that it should verify all information. Police said that when the woman was contacted, she said her purse, containing her driver’s license and credit cards, had been stolen in September. Lindsay, who was also carrying a fake ID card with the ladies name on it, but his picture (as a man), was charged with forgery, attempted theft by deception and identity theft. ***MARLAR: And just wait until the fashion police get a hold of him!
LIFE… LIVE IT
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS ABOUT DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME
We’re not far away (Saturday, March 10 / Sunday, March 11) from moving our clocks forward one hour. The good news is that it will stay light one hour later in the evening. The bad news is we lose an hour of sleep.
With recent reports saying that most of us don’t get enough sleep as it is, this will only make things worse. However, there are some things you can do to avoid feeling drowsy. Experts say you can minimize the effects of the time change by going to bed and getting up a few minutes earlier every day this week and eating dinner an hour earlier. In any case, be careful on your commute next Monday because there are bound to be a lot of groggy drivers out there.
PHONER: Is it time to get rid of Daylight Saving Time? Yes or No? Why do you feel that way?
JUST FOR FUN
McDonald’s has something new in drive-thru technology… a ramp for snowmobiles!
It’s hard to imagine a fast food restaurant anywhere nowadays that doesn’t have a drive-thru window. But what about people that don’t have cars, but snowmobiles? Apparently, that’s a big enough concern in Sweden for McDonald’s headquarters to do something about it, and now Sweden has a drive-thru for snowmobiles, complete with it’s own ramp and track. It opened up in Pitea, about 80 miles south of the Arctic Circle. ***MARLAR: Do you think customers complain about their fries being cold?
SIGNS YOUR PASTOR MIGHT NEED A SABBATICAL
- He calls a business meeting in the middle of a sermon to talk about cutting his own pay.
- He falls asleep during his own sermon.
- He stands at the podium, thanks his family, the elders & deacons, the director, producer, costume designers, and the Academy, then sits down.
- He tells about the plagues, and the exodus, insists that Pharaoh was right, and then dances a jig to “Walk Like an Egyptian”, by the Bangles.
- He gets a cell phone call in the middle of a sermon, and addresses the caller as my Lord for all to hear, and tells the congregation that a white ford minivan’s lights are on.
- He has his own parking spot that reads “Pastor”, and had all the other parking spots painted with the words “Sheep”, except for the one that his wife parks in….which reads “Scapegoat”, and a band member’s… “Black sheep”.
- Does the Nestea plunge before every baptism.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
PRODUCTS YOU DON’T NEED TO BUY (from All You Magazine)
Have a tight budget? Save money by using items you already have on hand that will do the same job, for less.
1. Wall filler: You can use white toothpaste to fill in errant holes in your walls. As long as the walls are painted white, the toothpaste will blend right in.
2. Scuff remover: To get rid of scuffmarks, rub the inside of a banana peel over silverware, leather shoes and leather furniture. Wipe with a soft cloth. Be sure to test on a small, inconspicuous section first.
3. Wallpaper cleaner: Soft chunks of crustless white bread will get smudges off wallpaper and wipe away fingerprints and other grime.
4. Drain cleaner: Sprinkle 1/4 cup baking soda in the drain, followed by 1 cup vinegar. Let sit for 15 minutes, then flush with a pot of boiling water.
5. Blind duster: Use an antistatic spray on blinds to keep dust from piling up.
6. Antibacterial bathroom cleaner: To kill bathroom germs, spray full-strength vinegar around the sink and tub. Wipe clean with a damp cloth.
7. Silver jewelry polish: Using a soft toothbrush, scrub pieces of silver jewelry with a bit of toothpaste containing baking soda. Rinse with warm water to restore sparkle.
8. Enamel repair paint: Use correction fluid (like White-Out) to cover nicks and chips on white enamel kitchen appliances like ranges and mixers.
9. Stainless steel polish: A staple in most garages, WD-40 also works wonders on stainless steel. Just spray and rub with a cloth for a spotless shine.
10. Mirror Cleaner: Clean a bathroom mirror with shaving cream (the old-fashioned white kind, not a gel variety), then wipe with a soft cloth. This tip also helps keep the mirror fog-free after showers.
11. Grill degreaser: To maintain a clean barbecue grill, sprinkle dry baking soda on a damp brush, scrub, then rinse.
12. Laundry bleach: For a natural bleaching effect and to save money on energy costs (you don’t have to use the dryer!), hang your whites outside to dry.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Have you heard that you should take out your anger and frustrations by going for a run and working out? Don’t do it! Why? Heavy exertion, such as an intense run or gym workout, while you are stressed or mad triples your risk of having a heart attack within one hour, according to research from Canada’s McMaster University. While it’s a medical fact that regular exercise is good for your heart and may help prevent heart disease, exercising when your emotions are overwrought can be physically harmful. The study found that being angry or upset doubled the risk of suffering heart attack symptoms within one hour, and heavy physical exertion also doubled the risk of suffering heart attack symptoms within one hour. Being angry or upset and heavy physical exertion together TRIPLED the risk of suffering heart attack symptoms within one hour.
Hey, mom… do you feel guilty working outside the home? Don’t. Children with working moms are less likely to have behavioral or emotional problems by age 5 than kids of stay at home moms, according to a British study. In fact, girls with stay at home moms were twice as likely to have behavioral problems by age 5. Dr. Anne McMunn of University College London says, “Working mothers should not feel guilty that this will have any impact on the social, emotional or behavioral development of their children.”
If you suffer from chronic pain, talking about it frequently can make it worse, according to recent research from Germany. Investigators at Friedrich-Schiller University of Jena used brain scans to determine how healthy people process words describing pain. When participants were asked to imagine situations that corresponded with words associated with pain such as “excruciating,” “paralyzing” and “grueling” the brain’s pain processing centers showed a clear response. The conclusion: Words alone can trigger pain.
It’s hard to rival the joy of bursting into peals of laughter with a friend. For humans “laughter is faster and it gives us an enhanced opportunity to build large social networks,” says Finnish neuroscientist Lauri Nummenmaa. His team sought evidence that a chemical change takes place when people share a laugh. Using PET scans (an image of a bodily cross section, usually of the brain, that reveals metabolic processes and that is obtained by means of Positron Emission Tomography), they detected shifts in the release of opioid peptides like endorphins, increase in several brain regions as well as some decreases after a dozen men watched comedy clips with friends. In another study, pain tolerance (linked to the release of opioids) was greater among people who watched a comedy, rather than a drama, in a group. By triggering the release of feel-good chemicals, researchers argue, laughter may inform us that the time is ripe to connect with others and support the deepening of relationships. (Psychology Today)
It’s not what you do when you exercise — be it running, walking, rowing or biking — but how you motivate yourself to do it, day in and day out. Exercise is only effective when it’s done regularly, and the key to making exercise a daily habit begins with a routine. The trick is making exercise a habit that is hard to break. How do you that? Alison Phillips, an assistant professor of psychology at Iowa State University in Ames, says it’s easier to accomplish if you focus on cues that make going for a run or to the gym automatic. In addition, following the same routine can help build self-confidence about exercising. It’s called an instigation habit, which means you’ll begin exercising without even having to think a lot about it or consider the pros or cons. What sort of cues will instigate the habit of exercising? They vary for each of us, but some examples include:
The end of the work day means driving to the gym before going home.
The alarm clock goes off in the morning, which means it’s time to hit the basement treadmill.
After sitting at your desk for several hours, you stand up and walk. This is an internal cue, and while it’s the hardest to develop, it can be the strongest habit once it is formed.
These habits don’t happen overnight. Some research suggests it can take a month or even longer of repeated behavior to develop the instigation habit so the cue reliably triggers the behavior.
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Until Wednesday, Kimberly Cooper and Brendan Flaherty were strangers. But now, they share an unbreakable bond. Kimberly’s kidney now lives in Brendan’s body, one of six kidney transplants performed last week at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. Each one of them can be traced back to Kimberly’s act of generosity. She started the chain that allowed six people to get new, life giving kidney transplants
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
“Man Caught Doing 129mph Because He Didn’t Want His _______ To Get Cold!” (MCDONALD’S)
Lee Rutherford was caught doing just that in Blyth, England, after stopping at a Micky-D’s drive-thru. He was given a 20-week prison sentence suspended for a year, banned from driving, ordered to take an extended driving test and pay $1,500 in fines and costs.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I hate it when I see one of those road signs that say “Draw Bridge Ahead” and I don’t have a pencil.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 02, 2018…
Death Wish—Just the title brings up the familiar Charles Bronson dead-eye look of revenge. Through five films, he played the same character, going from city to city, tracking down the ones the law couldn’t touch. Bruce Willis reprises the role of Paul Kersey, here a doctor. Kersey goes on a revenge trek when his wife (Elisabeth Shue) and daughter (Camila Marrone) are fatally attacked by criminals. What does a doctor know about weapons and stealth? Plenty. Of course, the law either gets in the way or can’t do a thing. Plenty of action and chases here. The character comes from the 1972 book by Brian Garfield, with the first film out in 1974. Bronson’s career seem to land on variations of this man seeking revenge for the helpless. Whether it was present day or the old West, the chase was on. In the 2018 “Death Wish,” the cast includes Mike Epps, Vincent Young. Dean Norris and Beau Knapp. The same theme: everyone is in Paul Kersey‘s way. “Death Wish” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Red Sparrow—Adapted from the book by Jason Matthews, the plot has a young girl selected to be trained as a ballerina and then a spy. This is what happens when she falls for someone from the other side. Jennifer Lawrence stars and also in the cast are Joel Edgerton, Mary-Louise Parker and Charlotte Rampling. “Red Sparrow” is rated R. No rating.
MARCH 09, 2018…
Wrinkle In Time is a screen adaptation of the Madeleine L’Engles book and stars Oprah Winfrey.
Gringo concerns a business man mixed up in crime. Stars David Oyelowa.
Hurricane Heist is about a gang trying to pull off a major robbery during a hurricane. The star is Toby Kebbell.
The Upside is a comedy about a criminal trying to reform Stars Nichole Kidman and Kevin Hart.
Thoroughbreds has two girls trying to rekindle their friendship. This marks the last film for the late actor Anton Yelchin of “Star Trek.”
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.