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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160307
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I didn’t decide to be an on-air radio personality right off the bat, but as I looked around, I noticed that most other vocations required physical effort.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
By the grace given me I say to everyone of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. — Romans 12:3
O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. — Isaiah 25:1
My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations. The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm. — Isaiah 51:5
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
“[Jesus] was handed over to you by God’s set purpose and foreknowledge; and you, with the help of wicked men, put him to death by nailing him to the cross.” — Acts 2:23
Thought: When we think of the Cross, two words we must never associate with it are the words “tragic accident.” Peter makes very clear that two separate streams of power converged at the cross. Evil had its way and brought the Son of God to the Cross. God had his plan and he allowed the cross to happen to redeem us. The Cross was no accident. What hell had intended as our ultimate defeat, God used to bring us redemption and triumph. The best and worst of all things collided. Of course the Cross wasn’t the ultimate answer in this battle; the empty tomb and the resurrected Lord are. We are the victorious recipients of this grace, paid at such an agonizing cost, administered in such a cruel manner by our greatest adversary, and secured by Jesus’ triumph over the grave.
Prayer: Holy God, thank you for having a plan in place that insures that my sins can be forgiven and my future with you is secured. Thank you for paying the price for that plan to work. Thank you for triumphing over the wickedness of hell and the work of evil people. I love you so much for all you are and all you have done for me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Philippians 3:7 NIV = But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.
TODAY IS MONDAY – MARCH 07, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 292 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is BASEBALL HAT APPRECIATION DAY. *** And if you’ve ever seen my bald spot, you’ll know how appreciative I truly am.
Today is GET GRANDMA TO WRITE DOWN HER MEATLOAF RECIPE DAY. *** Even if you don’t really want it… it’ll make her feel special to ask her!
NATIONAL PROCRASTINATION WEEK continues. *** Actually, it began a few days ago, but I’m adding it again today in case you’ve been putting it off.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
National Be Heard Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, MARCH 08
The Bikini Bottom Free (Crabcakes) Day
Check Your Batteries Day
Girls Write Now Day
National Proofreading Day
National Peanut Cluster Day
Organize Your Home Office Day
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 09
Joe Franklin Day
THURSDAY, MARCH 10
International Bagpipe Day
Land Line Telephone Day
Salvation Army Day
U.S. Paper Money Day
World Kidney Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 11
Dream 2016 Day
Johnny Appleseed Day
Middle Name Pride Day
SATURDAY, MARCH 12
Girl Scout Birthday Day
National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 13
Daylight Savings Time Begins
Donald Duck Day
Good Samaritan Involvement Day
IUGAR Awareness Day
Ken Doll Day
- Ron Hubbard Day
National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day
Smart & Sexy Day
MONDAY, MARCH 14
International Ask a Question Day
ON THIS DAY
1876: Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. He envisioned it as a device that could make it possible to communicate with deaf people.
1897: The world’s first corn flakes were served to Dr. John Kellogg’s patients at a Battle Creek, Michigan, mental hospital.
1954: In a regular NBA game the Minneapolis Lakers edged the Milwaukee Hawks 65-63. There were fewer slam-dunks because, in this one-game experiment, the baskets were raised to 12 feet.
1955: For the first time in history a country & western artist made the Billboard Rhythm & Blues chart. It was Carl Perkins with “Blue Suede Shoes.”
1973: A new group, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, performed at Max’s Kansas City club in New York City. Columbia talent scout John Hammond was in the audience.
1976: A wax Elton John went on display at Madame Tussaud’s in London, the first rocker to appear there since the Beatles 12 years earlier.
1983: TNN, The Nashville Network, set a basic cable service record when it debuted to more than 7-million cable households with a 5-hour live show.
1987: Mike Tyson became the youngest heavyweight boxing champion when he beat James Smith in a 12-round fight in Las Vegas. Tyson was only 20 years old.
1992: History’s largest crepe was baked and flipped in Bloemfontein, South Africa. It was 41 feet 2 inches in diameter, an inch and-a-half deep, and weighed 5,908 pounds. ***MARLAR: I had to call in sick for a week.
1994: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that parodies poking fun at an original work can be considered “fair use” and do not require permission from the copyright holder.
1998: A Minnesota judge ordered tobacco companies to release 39,000 secret documents that might contain information on how the industry studied ways to lure children as young as five years old to smoke cigarettes.
2001: A Kenyan businessman who lost his cell phone rang the number from his house telephone – and heard his German Shepherd ringing. Kamal Shah said he did not expect to hear the phone ringing inside his dog. The dog underwent surgery to remove the phone.
2002: A federal judge awarded Anna Nicole Smith more than $88 million in the latest legal battle over the estate of Smith’s late husband, J. Howard Marshall II.
2007: A British movie theater allowed a man to propose to his girlfriend with a three-minute home film inserted among the trailers before the main feature. Tina Kilford of Weymouth, England, was sitting there with two friends and a tub of ice cream, watching the trailers, when she suddenly saw Tom Lane on the screen, holding a card saying, “Hi Tina!” As a finale, Lane appeared, kneeling by Kilford’s seat with a ring. The audience cheered when she yelled “Yes!”
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
203: Perpetua, a Christian about 22 years old, her slave, Felicitas, and several others are martyred at the arena in Carthage. They were flogged, attacked by hungry leopards, and finally beheaded. Perpetua remains one of early Christianity’s most famous martyrs.
321: Constantine I issues the first civil law requiring Sunday observance.
1274: Thomas Aquinas, one of the most significant theologians of all time, dies at age 48. Known for his adaptation of Aristotle’s writings to Christianity, he became famous for his massive Summa Theologiae (or “A summation of theological knowledge”). In its early pages, he stated, “In sacred theology, all things are treated from the standpoint of God.” Thomas proceeded to distinguish between philosophy and theology and between reason and revelation, though he emphasized that these did not contradict each other. Both are fountains of knowledge; both come from God.
1526: Conrad Grebel and other Anabaptists are sentenced to life imprisonment.
1526: The Zurich council decrees death by drowning to all Anabaptists.
1530: Pope Clement VII rejects Henry VIII’s request to divorce Catherine of Aragon. Henry eventually responded by declaring himself supreme head of England’s.
1638: Anne Hutchinson settles in exile in Rhode Island. She had been thrown out of Massachusetts for beliefs deemed heretical. Her associates signed a compact at Providence, Rhode Island, based on the Old Testament.
1804: The British and Foreign Bible Society was founded.
1835: Blind Fanny Crosby arrives at boarding school in New York. She is trembling with fear and very homesick.
1964: Pope Paul VI celebrates mass in Italian and facing his congregation; usually priests faced away and used Latin,
implementing one of the most significant changes of the Second Vatican Council—worship in the vernacular.
1981: The body of Chet Bitterman of Wycliffe Bible Translators is found. He had been kidnapped a few days earlier.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actress (“Orange is The New Black”, “That ’70s Show”) Laura Prepon, 36 (audio clip)
- Actress (The Mummy, Runaway Jury, Constantine, The Constant Gardner – from which she just won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar) Rachel Weisz (pronounced “vize”), 45
- Actress/comedian (Over the Hedge, “The New Adventures of Old Christine”, “Wanda at Large”, Evan Almighty) Wanda Sykes, 52
- Actor (“NYPD Blue’s” John Irvin) Bill Brochtrup, 53 (audio clip)
- Actor (the dad in Home Alone, “Prison Break”, The Pelican Brief) John Heard, 70
- Actor (“Hill Street Blues’” Captain Frank Furillo) Daniel J. Travanti, 76 (audio clip)
- Weatherman Willard Scott 82
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1875 : Maurice Ravel
1923 : Mahlon Clark (Lawrence Welk)
1942 : Bohannon
1943 : Chris White (The Zombies)
1944 : Townes Van Zandt
1945 : Arthur Lee (Love)
1946 : Matthew Fisher (Procol Harum)
1946 : Peter Wolf (The J. Geils Band)
1952 : Ernie Isley (The Isley Brothers)
1965 : Taylor Dane
1967 : Randy Guss (Toad The Wet Sprocket)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
They weren’t invented in France, so why does everybody call them “French fries?”
It’s true, the French fry wasn’t invented in France. (Its origin is probably Belgian.) But the “French” in French fries doesn’t refer to its country of origin. It refers to the way in which this side dish is prepared. Food that is cut into strips is said to be “Frenched.” Since French fries are strips of potato that have been fried, they became known as French fried potatoes, or “French fries.” ***MARLAR: Why something that is stripped is considered French – well, that’s a sordid story we probably don’t need to know.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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God’s Not Dead 2 will release soon but the Newsboys say the original God’s Not Dead movie is still reaching those who need to hear. They announced this week that God’s Not Dead was just released in Italy. Members of the band posted a trailer for the Italian language version of the movie.
Brandon Heath was especially excited about Scott Kelly’s space suit when he landed after nearly a year in space. Brandon posted: Welcome home, Scott Kelly, nice patch. Brandon helped design the patch worn by Kelly in celebration of NASA Expedition 43.
Newsboys member Jeff Frankenstein is celebrating a new baby. The members of the band tweeted this week: Shout out and congrats to our keys player Jeff Frankenstein on the newest edition to the family, Baby Frankenstein.
Moriah Peters was broadcasting live on Periscope from Puerto Rico this week. Moriah was in Puerto Rico for a screening of the movie Priceless. The movie is produced by for King and Country.
How would you like to be mentored by Passion worship leader Christy Nockels. She tweeted this week: Worship Leader Women, I have one spot left in my online mentor group for worship circle. She says the next session begins in April. Find out more at
Ryan Stevenson had some help from the Newboys on his quest to cook the perfect steak. The Christian artist recorded a video on cooking the perfect steak this week and enlisted both Michael Tait and Duncan Phillips to help with the taste testing. Both members of the Newsboys gave the meat two thumbs up.
Comedian Chonda Pierce this week announced a release date for her movie. The movie Laughing in the Dark will be available in stores on April 5. She is also releasing a new Bible Study based on portions of the movie and the book of Job.
Natalie Grant is asking for your help. She posted this week: No matter how big the problem of human trafficking is, we ALL can do something. I’m asking every one of you to take this simple step which could lead to a HUGE victory. Senator Bob Corker has created a crucial piece of legislation that could bring about a massive reduction in slavery called the End Slavery Act. Call, email, or tweet your Senators and Representatives and ask them to support the bill. Then share the information with your friends on social media. Natalie says: I promise it most definitely can make a huge difference.
Jordan Feliz’s move to Nashville in 2015 was a move of faith. Jordan and his wife left the security of his local music connections and a church staff position and moved from California to Tennessee with only enough money to make it to Phoenix. But along each leg of the journey Jordan says some music opportunity opened up that provided enough funds to drive the next leg. In fact, by the time they reached their new home, Jordan had actually made several hundred dollars from the move.
Kutless frontman Jon Micah Sumrall says his Elk hunting season came and went and he never got off a shot. However, Jon says it wasn’t a total loss. He posted: “I was rewarded with an amazing sunset the final evening of my hunt. Gotta love evenings like this!”
(No news on the weekends.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
The Census Bureau is considering changes to its race and ethnicity questions that would reclassify some minorities who were considered “white” in the past, a move that may speed up the date when America’s white population falls below 50 percent. According to Yahoo, Census Director John Thompson told The Associated Press this week that the bureau is testing a number of new questions. The possible changes include allowing Latinos to give more details about their ethnic backgrounds and creating a new, distinct category for people of Middle Eastern and North African descent. *** The U.S. Census Bureau – doing it’s best to keep the spread and rise of racism alive since 1903!
A 24-year-old man has had both hands sewn back on by doctors in Poland. The hands of the young man were severed by a metal cutting machine on his first day on the job. The surgery to re-attach his hands at the wrists lasted 10 hours. The next day he was able to move his fingers. ***Which he’ll be sorry he has the use of when he realizes how large of a check he has to write to the hospital.
A pizzeria in the UK named Crazy Pedro’s has created a Creme egg pizza that is the perfect treat for pizza-loving chocaholics. The 10-inch pizza is made with chocolate sauce, marshmallows, brownie pieces, meringue and topped off with a creme egg. The pizzeria says the dessert pizza will only be available through March. ***Not that it will matter, because you’ll die of diabetes before then anyway.
Last month Entergy Corp out of New Orleans was commissioned to investigate the December outage of the Indian Point nuclear power plant in Buchanan, New York. Their report states the cause for the generator failure was feces dropped from birds on the power lines connected to the transmission tower. If the generator detects interference this will cause an automatic shutdown. ***Awesome – how about we send these birds over the Capitol Building!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A Harvard professor is studying a drug that may make it dramatically easier for grown-ups to absorb new skills and information — almost as if they were seven years old or younger. ***Upside: you learn a lot. Downside: you can’t stop humming the theme from SpongeBob.
Another reason to drink coffee. That morning cup of java or lunchtime soda might serve a purpose beyond giving you a jolt of energy. According to a new study by researchers at Johns Hopkins University, caffeine enhances memory. ***MARLAR: In other news, that morning cup of java or lunchtime soda might serve a purpose beyond giving you a jolt of energy. According to a new study by researchers at…. wait a minute… this sounds familiar…
Easy on the cinnamon! That advice from Denmark’s food authority has rankled pastry chefs whose cinnamon rolls were found to violate the European Union’s spice rules. The Danish Veterinary and Food Administration recently discovered that Danish cinnamon rolls and twists contained more coumarin – a chemical compound in the most common variety of cinnamon – than EU rules allow. So the agency asked Danish bakers to reduce the amount of cinnamon they sprinkle in the dough for sweet treats like the cinnamon roll and cinnamon twist. Danish bakers protested, saying the EU limit is too strict, and would make it hard, if not impossible, to make their cherished pastries. ***MARLAR: I’m confused – since when did former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg move to Denmark?
Mexico is looking to battle the bulging waistlines of its children by banning the sale of junk food in its schools, including many of the traditional treats generations of kids have grown up with. Getting the ax along with modern soft drinks and sweets will be salted tamarind candy, pork rinds and atole, the thick and sweet cornstarch-based beverage served piping hot in the morning. ***MARLAR: On the plus side, candy-filled piñatas are still allowed because they are good for cardio-vascular exercise.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Doctor’s Practice”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… David Dean, “Mall Parking”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Millard the Monkey was racking his brain and working his limbs to the bone trying to find a way to do something better than Steve Mozart. Mozart composed better music, built a better sandcastle than Millard, built a longer and stronger bridge than Millard, and now even Millard’s new boat has problems…
CLOSE: Why is it so important for Millard to beat Mozart at something? Has he never seen the movie, Amadeus? Apparently not. Tune in next time, for As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 12/13
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals, after searching long and hard for a new king, finally found a new lion king – but he’s already got a jungle to be king of. But then he began telling the little king, Louis, how being a king didn’t mean having answers to everything… because there was also another king…
CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Can a Latino be racist against Latinos?
Frances Escalera likes to watch television… and she likes to keep the volume turned up… WAY UP! In fact, she listens to the television so loudly that she has been cited three times by Allentown, Pennsylvania authorities for excessive loudness. Frances is now in danger of being evicted from her apartment because of her loud TV-watching. However dumb that might sound to you, it’s not our true Moment of Duh. Where Frances’ true inDUHvidualism comes in is WHY she refuses to turn down her television’s volume. She says that the city’s legislation regarding TV noise is illegal because (are you ready for this?) it is obviously targeted at the Latino community, who like to listen to loud television. If it’s possible for a Latino to make a racist statement about Latinos, Frances just did.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WATCH TOO MANY CARTOONS
- 10. After they arrest someone on COPS, you get anxious waiting to see if the police will remove the suspects mask and reveal the “real culprit” – the owner of the haunted amusement park.
- 9. If Acme didn’t make it, it’s merely second-best.
- 8. You have stickers from all over the world attached to your body from the time your friend tried to get rid of you by shipping you to Australia.
- 7. You can’t run around corners without jumping on one foot and making that screeching sound.
- 6. Your dare-devil attitude, inspired by your belief that no matter how bad the collision/fall/crushing blow, you will simply be able to shake it all off after watching the stars circle your head for a few seconds.
- 5. Must chug canned spinach before any physically challenging task.
- 4. You believe you can beat any adversary, if only you had a dress, some flypaper, and a soundtrack.
- 3. You yell out Yabba-Dabba-Doo when something goes your way.
- 2. You still wonder why your dog didn’t come back after that game of “rocket-discus catch”
- 1. You tried to cut a block of cheese into perfect little cubes with one swipe of a tennis racket, but all you accomplished was to break the kitchen window and send a block of cheese into orbit.
PHONER: What was your favorite cartoon when growing up? Tell us about your favorite episode!
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
What do you do if you’re a crossing guard and the cars refuse to slow down or stop for you?
FILE #1: A city crossing guard in Pensacola, FL, frustrated because drivers wouldn’t slow down, wrapped a hair drier with electrical tape and began aiming the fake radar gun at approaching speeders. “It’s almost comical,” he said. “People are slowing down, raising their hands at me apologetically.” A city attorney said he couldn’t find any statute that prohibits pointing a hair drier at a vehicle.
FILE #2: Sad to report that in Natick, Massachusetts, a fight broke out at a child’s birthday party at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant — a fight between two mothers! Police said the mom of the 9-year-old birthday boy apparently became enraged because the other woman’s son was “hogging” an arcade game. While 38-year-old Catherine Aliaga and 33-year-old Tarsha Williams won’t be getting any mother-of-the-year awards anytime soon, both have been summoned into court to answer charges of simple assault and battery stemming from the scuffle.
FILE #3: Michael Mathie is serving 30 years in New York’s Elmira Prison for manslaughter, but he’s learning a trade. Actually, he’s learning to trade: he telephones his father with stock tips, and his father places the trades for him. He’s doing pretty well: in 1999, Mathie’s adjusted gross income was $899,969, starting from a $75,000 nest egg several years before. A spokesman for New York’s Department of Correctional Services says there’s nothing illegal about the practice since inmates have a right to discuss anything they wish on the telephone. However, he said, it’s pretty unusual, considering “most inmates wouldn’t know a stock exchange from a soccer ball.”
STRANGE LAW: Rhode Island prohibits anyone from smoking a pipe after sunset.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
There are times when recycling can get you into trouble — like when you try to recycle your pot plants!
Police in San Jose, California said workers who were sorting items at a San Jose recycling center last week found a large trash bag full of marijuana plants. The center collects leaves, tree limbs and other natural material for composting, but San Jose police say the plants won’t end up that way. Instead they’ll be held as evidence. The only hard part will be tracking down the doping recycler. Police say it could have come from anywhere in Santa Clara County.
Okay, all your friends and family are probably tired of hearing how you and your sweetie met. Booooring. How about telling us how your parents met – do you know? I’ve been thinking about it – and I don’t have a clue as to how my parents met!
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: What frustrated Egyptian wife claimed her Hebrew servant tried to seduce her?
ANSWER: The wife of Potiphar – Joseph’s master (Genesis 3:1-5)
QUESTION: In the late 1980’s, MasterCard became the first credit card to feature a person. Who was featured?
ANSWER: Elvis Presley
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Crest toothpaste claims “Tooth Fairy” as a registered trademark. (False, Colgate)
- In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting advertising space on his pigs. (False – on his cows.)
- Most lipstick contains fish scales. (True)
- The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. (True)
- Every photograph of the first American atomic bomb detonation was taken by the same guy. (True – Harold Edgerton)
- Boxing champion Mike Tyoson once taught Shakespeare at Yale University. (False – but boxing champ Gene Tunney did!)
- Every day the human stomach produces about 1 liters of hydrochloric acid. (False – 2 liters)
- The vegetable that is eaten most by Americans is potatoes. (True. On average, a person eats about 140 pounds of potatoes annually.)
- Actor Bruce Willis’s real name is Marion. (False, it’s Walter)
- Every square inch of the human body has about 19,000,000 skin cells. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
_____ DEER (SUPER)
OXFORD, OH – Super Deer saves the day – again!
Super Deer has been known to residents of Ohio for a long time. Residents say that the crime-fighting deer has saved countless women, children and elderly from harm.
And the other day – Super Deer was in action again!
While a man was attacking a woman – choking her with her purse straps and punching her in the forehead – Super Deer darted out of the darkness, attacked the attacker and scared him away.
Police were impressed.
“Super Deer jumped up and ran at the attacker… who then took off,” said police spokesman Sgt. Tom Vismans. ”Super Deer could have been badly injured or harmed by the attacker, but he kept going after him. That’s how he is. The bravest deer we’ve every seen.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15.” The jogger said thanks and left.
The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”
There were two old boys from Florida who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.
They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”
The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “How are you fellows doing?”
“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.
“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.
“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”
A recent report said it was okay for adults to be overweight as long as they were fit, but the news is not so good for kids. A new report says that overweight children are at risk of premature heart attacks and strokes. ***MARLAR: So the answer is simply – tell your kids to grow up.
A new study shows that Americans who put in long hours at work also cut back on sleep in order to work in fun activities. ***MARLAR: But we make up for it by sleeping during the commercial breaks.
43% of pet owners sleep in bed with their pets every night. ***That must be awkward for people with goldfish.
TIME TO GO
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the inevitable answer.
“Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter if you’re on the ground or in the air.”
“I know,” said her mother. “I just don’t want to be that far off the ground when it’s the pilot’s time to go.”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
What are the odds that your car would be stolen twice in the same week? Remote, right? Well, brace yourself. A 26-year-old man from Bismarck, North Dakota, had his car stolen three times in six days!
And he got his car back again each time. The car is a dark purple Ford Contour! The car first went missing January 20th, was found by the police and then towed back to the man’s house. It disappeared again just a few hours later. Once again the cops found it and brought it back about four hours later. Five days later it was stolen yet again. Police found the car again the next day and brought it back a third time. Each time the car was parked in the guy’s driveway and was locked. Police now suspect perhaps someone else has a set of keys to the car. ***MARLAR: Dude you need to get The Club. Remember The Club? Or maybe a Pitt Bull!
POWER OF PRAYER
A missionary on furlough told this true story while visiting his home church in Michigan….. “While serving at a small field hospital in Africa, every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies.
This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital.
Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting, one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord. I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident.
Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried
money and medicines. He said, ‘Some friends and I followed you into the jungle, knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards. At this, I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone in that jungle campsite. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, ‘No sir, I was not the only person to see the guards. My five friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that we were afraid and left you alone.
“At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day this happened.
The missionary told the congregation the date and the man who interrupted told him this story:
“On the night of your incident in Africa, it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf I was about to putt when I felt the urge to pray for
you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong; I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?” The men who had met together to pray that day stood up. The missionary wasn’t concerned with who they were, he was too busy counting how many men he saw.
There were 26.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Read: Romans 2:12-16
Gentiles, . . . although not having the law, are a law to themselves, . . . their conscience also bearing witness. – Romans 2:14-15
One of William Shakespeare’s most intriguing characters is Lady Macbeth. Having heard a prophecy that her husband would become king, she convinced him to assassinate the reigning monarch. When the bloody deed was done, Macbeth was conscience-stricken. His wife rebuked his squeamishness and helped him cover up the crime. Her husband was crowned king. But that wasn’t the end.
Lady Macbeth’s initial resolve turned to remorse. She grew mentally unstable, and couldn’t stop washing her hands. “Will these hands ne’er be clean?” she asked. Finally, the guilt drove Lady Macbeth to suicide.
Guilt is an emotion that can weigh us down whenever we cross a moral boundary. All of us are capable of feeling guilty when we violate the law of God written in our hearts (Romans 2:14-15). If we continue to sin willfully, however, we will dull our conscience.
Lady Macbeth is a good reminder of a biblical principle: Whatever we sow, we will certainly reap (Galatians 6:7-8). When we feel temptation, we need to listen to our conscience—not try to silence it. It’s far better to avoid committing an act we will later regret than to live with the consequences.
Sometimes there’s just one step to go
Before we yield to sin,
But God will help us to say no
If we trust His power within. —Hess
Only Jesus’ blood can wash away the stain of sin.
SHE COULDN’T SAY I DO
A bride in Germany just couldn’t say “I Do” – even though she wanted to!
A bride-to-be in Dulmen, Germany was at the altar and had started to recite her vows when her false teeth fell out right in middle of the ceremony. Humiliated, the bride scrambled out to her car, locked the doors and refused to come out for six hours. The bridegroom finally talked her into returning to the church to resume the ceremony.
LIFE… LIVE IT
SING THAT SNORING AWAY
Want to stop someone from snoring? Encourage them to do a little singing…
…Researchers at the University of Exeter in England found that nine of 17 snorers who sang for 20 minutes a day reduced their snoring time by nearly 18 percent. When people snore, the loose tissues in the mouth’s soft palate vibrate noisily. But singing helps tighten the tissues, which reduces the vibrations, says Dr. Edzard Ernst, head researcher of the study. ***MARLAR: The downside is that your spouse’s singing could be more annoying.
JUST FOR FUN
RULES TODDLERS LIVE BY
- When out to eat, stand up in the booth, then turn around and stare at the person eating behind you for so long it becomes creepy.
- If someone tries to take something from you, make them sorry.
- Potty Training (a.k.a The Great Chocolate Caper)… should NOT be easy for anyone involved.
- MAKE A MESS! That is your mantra.
- Before you touch anything on your plate, demand the food off everyone else’s first.
- Shoes, clothes and vegetables are stupid. Avoid them.
- DO NOT sleep in on the weekends.
- Life is one big game of tag. Everyone is “It.” RUN FROM THEM!
- When no one is looking, try something really naughty.
- While out for walks, stop every six inches to poke, pick up, drop or kick something.
- Repeat EVERY word you hear. Every. Single. One.
- Act like a perfect little angel while in the care of others.
- The backseat of the car is your domain. Mark it by creating a sea of Goldfish crackers.
- Before you play with your toys, play with everything else.
TOP FIVE WAYS TO KNOW YOU’RE IN A BAD CHURCH
- The church bus has gun racks
- There’s an ATM in the lobby
- Choir wears leather robes
- Karaoke Worship Time
- Ushers ask, “Smoking or Non-smoking?”
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Are there health benefits to being a workaholic? Absolutely!
A study out of Switzerland says that hard-driving workaholics are actually healthier and less likely to suffer heart attacks than other folks. The experts say that those who’ve given up on their dreams are more likely to die prematurely than those who absorb themselves in their work in pursuit of a goal.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Why bother with Daylight Savings?
Sanjay was a devout Muslim when his life was changed. According to ChristianToday.com, Sanjay’s journey to faith started when he was in hospital in India, having chemotherapy. After crying out to God he was healed from cancer. In response, Sanjay gave his life to Jesus and now, despite persecution, shares the gospel with everyone he meets. Since his conversion, Sanjay has led hundreds to faith in Jesus and planted 50 small house churches for believers with Muslim backgrounds.
The Shelter Buddies Reading Program at the Humane Society of Missouri is doing wonders for everyone involved. The concept is simple: teach kids to read to shelter dogs as a way of preparing them for forever homes, all while also instilling a greater sense of empathy in the youngsters. Kids who sign up for the monthly program are encouraged to sit in front of a shy dog’s kennel with a book and read to them.
10 Ways to Save a Struggling Marriage from iMom.
- Pray for your spouse.
- Surround yourselves with people in healthy relationships.
- Choose to love.
- Act as if your spouse’s happiness is more important than your own.
- Put the relationship ahead of everything
- Start over from scratch.
- Stop taking one another for granted.
- Get counseling.
- Follow the counseling with an action plan.
- Change the patterns.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
I have to hurry. I’m taking my car in to have the payments rotated.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
MARCH 04, 2016…
Desierto—It is a major operation to cross the border illegally and in this movie, not only are the police out there, but a vigilante out to kill them, too. The film stars Gael Garcia Bernal, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Alondra Hidalgo. “Disierto” is rated R. No rating.
London Has Fallen—Gerard Butler is part of security for a top level government meeting. When the Prime Minister dies mysteriously, he begins to figure out what is really happening. Also in the cast are Morgan Freeman and Charlotte Riley. “London Has Fallen” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot—Tina Fey takes on the role of a former journalist who is remembering her days as a correspondent in Afghanistan. With her is Margot Robbie. Billy Bob Thornton is also in the cast. “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Zootopia—Here is an animated film about animals of many, many species (think the “Star Wars” Counsel meetings) who get along and have their leaders, meeting for various rules and regulations. Of course, there are problems and someone who wants to take over everything. Voices include Idris Elba, Jason Bateman, J. K. Simmons and Ginnifer Goodman. “Zootopia” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for animation fans.
Knight of Cups—Here is a fantasy romance in which a man keeps changing places with himself somewhere else. Hmm.The cast includes Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett, Brian Dennehy and Natalie Portman. “Knight of Cups” is rated R. No rating.
The Wave (subtitled)—Here is an original idea. What would happen if one of the walls of a Norwegian fjord collapsed and sent all that water inland? An inland tsunami? This is the premise of the movie and this actually could happen. Just as earthquake experts can place where an earthquake may happen, experts in Norway study the Fjord walls for cracks, like the walls of a dam. The cast includes Kristoffer Joner, Thomas Bo Larsen and Ane Dahl Torp. “The Wave” is rated R. No rating.
MARCH 11, 2016…
Brothers Grimsby is a comedy about brothers who are police officers. Stars Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong.
The Other Side Of The Door can be scary as in trying to contact a deceased child. Stars Sarah Wayne Callies.
Young Messiah looks at Jesus in his childhood and living in Egypt. Stars Sean Bean.
Eye In The Sky has Helen Mirren as head of a military drone squad.
Hello, My Name Is Doris stars Sally Field in a comedy about aging.
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