March 07, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

ODT: 20170307
PDF: 20170307

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)



I didn’t decide to be an on-air radio personality right off the bat, but as I looked around, I noticed that most other vocations required physical effort.


By the grace given me I say to everyone of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. — Romans 12:3

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. — Isaiah 25:1

My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations. The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm. — Isaiah 51:5



Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the LORD. — Psalm 119:1

Thought: As Christians, we hear this passage a little differently than those who lived under the O.T. Law. We recognize that our blamelessness comes as a gift of Jesus’ sacrificial death on the Cross. We know we are not justified by keeping the Law, but we are doing our absolute best to walk in the way of the Lord out of thanks for God’s glorious grace. There is great blessing in doing the will of God. That blessing is not just in the future, but begins right now.

Prayer: Father, thank you for blessing me so graciously. As I seek to live according to your will, I experience the blessings of your presence and grace in my life. Please bless me with wisdom to better know your will and the courage to live it. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Philippians 3:7 NIV = But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.


(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)

Today is BASEBALL HAT APPRECIATION DAY. ***And if you’ve ever seen my bald spot, you’ll know how appreciative I truly am.

Today is GET GRANDMA TO WRITE DOWN HER MEATLOAF RECIPE DAY.  ***Even if you don’t really want it… it’ll make her feel special to ask her!

NATIONAL PROCRASTINATION WEEK continues.  ***Actually, it began a few days ago, but I’m adding it again today in case you’ve been putting it off.

Cereal Day Link
National Be Heard Day
National Cereal Day Link
Peace Corps Day Link
Unique Names Day link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)


The Bikini Bottom Free (Crabcakes) Day  Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Day for Women’s Rights & International Peace
Discover What Your Name Means Day Link
Girls Write Now Day
International Women’s Day Link
International Working Women’s Day
National Proofreading Day
National Peanut Cluster Day Link
Registered Dietitian Day Link


Barbie Day
Get Over It Day Link
Joe Franklin Day
Nametag Day Link
Panic Day
World Kidney Day


International Bagpipe Day
International Day of Awesomeness Link
Land Line Telephone Day
Mario Day
Middle Name Pride Day Link
Salvation Army Day
US Paper Money Day
Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Link
World Sleep Day Link


Dream 2017 Day
International Fanny Pack Day Link
Johnny Appleseed Day
National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day
World Plumbing Day Link
Genealogy Day Link


Check Your Batteries Day
Girl Scout Birthday Day Link
Girl Scout Sunday Link
Daylight Savings Time Begins


Donald Duck Day
Earmuffs Day
Fill Our Staplers Day
Good Samaritan Involvement Day
Itra-Uterine Growth Awareness Restriction (IUGAR) Day
K-9 Veterans Day  Link
Ken Doll Day
L. Ron Hubbard Day
Napping Day
National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day
*Smart & Sexy Day


International Ask A Question Day
International Day of Action for Rivers Link
Organize Your Home Office Day
Potato Chip Day Link
Pi Day (as in the math pie = 3.14159265 etc.) Link
National Pie Day Link
Save a Spider Day Link


1876: Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone. He envisioned it as a device that could make it possible to communicate with deaf people.

1897: The world’s first corn flakes were served to Dr. John Kellogg’s patients at a Battle Creek, Michigan, mental hospital.

1954: In a regular NBA game the Minneapolis Lakers edged the Milwaukee Hawks 65-63. There were fewer slam-dunks because, in this one-game experiment, the baskets were raised to 12 feet.

1955: For the first time in history a country & western artist made the Billboard Rhythm & Blues chart. It was Carl Perkins with “Blue Suede Shoes.”

1973: A new group, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, performed at Max’s Kansas City club in New York City. Columbia talent scout John Hammond was in the audience.

1976: A wax Elton John went on display at Madame Tussaud’s in London, the first rocker to appear there since the Beatles 12 years earlier.

1983: TNN, The Nashville Network, set a basic cable service record when it debuted to more than 7-million cable households with a 5-hour live show.

1987: Mike Tyson became the youngest heavyweight boxing champion when he beat James Smith in a 12-round fight in Las Vegas. Tyson was only 20 years old.

1992: History’s largest crepe was baked and flipped in Bloemfontein, South Africa. It was 41 feet 2 inches in diameter, an inch and-a-half deep, and weighed 5,908 pounds. ***I had to call in sick for a week.

1994: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that parodies poking fun at an original work can be considered “fair use” and do not require permission from the copyright holder.

1998: A Minnesota judge ordered tobacco companies to release 39,000 secret documents that might contain information on how the industry studied ways to lure children as young as five years old to smoke cigarettes.

2001: A Kenyan businessman who lost his cell phone rang the number from his house telephone – and heard his German Shepherd ringing. Kamal Shah said he did not expect to hear the phone ringing inside his dog. The dog underwent surgery to remove the phone.

2002: A federal judge awarded Anna Nicole Smith more than $88 million in the latest legal battle over the estate of Smith’s late husband, J. Howard Marshall II.

2007: A British movie theater allowed a man to propose to his girlfriend with a three-minute home film inserted among the trailers before the main feature. Tina Kilford of Weymouth, England, was sitting there with two friends and a tub of ice cream, watching the trailers, when she suddenly saw Tom Lane on the screen, holding a card saying, “Hi Tina!” As a finale, Lane appeared, kneeling by Kilford’s seat with a ring. The audience cheered when she yelled “Yes!”


203: Perpetua, a Christian about 22 years old, her slave, Felicitas, and several others are martyred at the arena in Carthage. They were flogged, attacked by hungry leopards, and finally beheaded. Perpetua remains one of early Christianity’s most famous martyrs.

321: Constantine I issues the first civil law requiring Sunday observance.

1274: Thomas Aquinas, one of the most significant theologians of all time, dies at age 48. Known for his adaptation of Aristotle’s writings to Christianity, he became famous for his massive Summa Theologiae (or “A summation of theological knowledge”). In its early pages, he stated, “In sacred theology, all things are treated from the standpoint of God.” Thomas proceeded to distinguish between philosophy and theology and between reason and revelation, though he emphasized that these did not contradict each other. Both are fountains of knowledge; both come from God.

1526: Conrad Grebel and other Anabaptists are sentenced to life imprisonment.

1526: The Zurich council decrees death by drowning to all Anabaptists.

1530: Pope Clement VII rejects Henry VIII’s request to divorce Catherine of Aragon. Henry eventually responded by declaring himself supreme head of England’s.

1638: Anne Hutchinson settles in exile in Rhode Island. She had been thrown out of Massachusetts for beliefs deemed heretical. Her associates signed a compact at Providence, Rhode Island, based on the Old Testament.

1804: The British and Foreign Bible Society was founded.

1835: Blind Fanny Crosby arrives at boarding school in New York. She is trembling with fear and very homesick.

1964: Pope Paul VI celebrates mass in Italian and facing his congregation; usually priests faced away and used Latin,

implementing one of the most significant changes of the Second Vatican Council—worship in the vernacular.

1981: The body of Chet Bitterman of Wycliffe Bible Translators is found. He had been kidnapped a few days earlier.


  • Actress (“Orange is The New Black”, “That ’70s Show”) Laura Prepon, 37 (audio clip)

  • Actress (The Mummy, Runaway Jury, Constantine, The Constant Gardner – from which she just won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar) Rachel Weisz (pronounced “vize”), 46

  • Actress/comedian (Over the Hedge, “The New Adventures of Old Christine”, “Wanda at Large”, Evan Almighty) Wanda Sykes, 53

  • Actor (“NYPD Blue’s” John Irvin) Bill Brochtrup, 54 (audio clip)

  • Actor (the dad in Home Alone, “Prison Break”, The Pelican Brief) John Heard, 71

  • Actor (“Hill Street Blues’” Captain Frank Furillo) Daniel J. Travanti, 77 (audio clip)

  • Weatherman Willard Scott 83


(Music Artist Birthdays From

1875 : Maurice Ravel

1923 : Mahlon Clark (Lawrence Welk)

1942 : Bohannon

1943 : Chris White (The Zombies)

1944 : Townes Van Zandt

1945 : Arthur Lee (Love)

1946 : Matthew Fisher (Procol Harum)

1946 : Peter Wolf (The J. Geils Band)

1952 : Ernie Isley (The Isley Brothers)

1965 : Taylor Dane

1967 : Randy Guss (Toad The Wet Sprocket)


They weren’t invented in France, so why does everybody call them “French fries?”
It’s true, the French fry wasn’t invented in France. (Its origin is probably Belgian.) But the “French” in French fries doesn’t refer to its country of origin. It refers to the way in which this side dish is prepared. Food that is cut into strips is said to be “Frenched.” Since French fries are strips of potato that have been fried, they became known as French fried potatoes, or “French fries.” ***MARLAR: Why something that is stripped is considered French – well, that’s a sordid story we probably don’t need to know.


This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from!

A rough weekend for Francesca Battistelli. She posted: We are in Colorado today, and it’s honestly been a hard day for me. My son is sick at home and I’m thousands of miles away. And the altitude. But, I feel surrounded by amazing brothers and sisters on this tour and they are lifting me up. So, so thankful.

Phillips, Craig and Dean are just weeks away from celebrating 25 years of ministry. The three pastors will begin their Hits, Hymns, and Worship concert series in celebration of 25 years on March 24.

Zach Williams is continuing his whirlwind of a year. Over the weekend he took a break from his tour with Big Daddy Weave to play a post game concert for the Iowa Energy, a pro basketball affiliate of the Memphis Grizzlies. Zach is no stranger to the basketball court. He was looking forward to a division one college basketball scholarship before being sidelined by injury.

Jordan Feliz is recovering from a bad sinus infection. Jordan is currently on tour with the Rock and Worship Road Show. He posted over the weekend: Anyone know a Doctor in Cedar Rapids, IA? I’m not feeling so great and have four more weeks of travel. The good news is that Jordan says a doctor was found. In a follow up post he added: Had a Doctor come yesterday after our show last night! He got me hooked up with medicine!

Danny Gokey posted this weekend: I never thought the heavy depression I was going through 3 years ago would turn into a beautiful song and testimony that would free people’s hearts. That was Danny’s reaction after learning that his song Rise was again at #1. He added: When you give your pain to Jesus, He takes that, the good, the bad and the ugly and works it together for your good and His Glory!!

Earlier this winter Matthew West announced the formation of the Story House Collective. Over the weekend Matthew shared an update. He said: The team is growing. The vision is growing. The music is flowing. The story is being written. It’s been such an exciting last several months since starting this new dream of Story House Collective. Some really big announcements coming soon.

Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman were headed to Colorado Springs this weekend for a double purpose. Steven is one of the headline artists at the Rock and Worship Roadshow but the Chapmans are also scheduled to make a stop at Focus on the Family. Mary Beth says they’ll be talking with the ministry about Stevens new autobiography scheduled for release later this spring.

The band Stars Go Dim is suffering from a lack of sleep. They posted: Attempting to stay up all night and beat this whole 17hr time difference thing… I think we can do it. The band is on tour in Australia this week.

The movie The Shack released over the weekend to mixed reviews across the Christian community. Artists like Michael W. Smith, Joel Houston of Hillsong United, and Darren Mulligan of We are Messengers praised the movie, calling it “Deeply moving and inspiring.” Mandisa posted: There were parts I had a problem with, but overall I loved it! On the other hand, Nancy Demoss Wolgemuth shared a quote from pastor Tim Keller: “The God of The Shack has none of the balance and complexity of the biblical God. Half a God is not God at All”

Disciple is asking for prayer and support from fans as they face $30,000 in bus repairs. According to New Release Today, They are directing fans who would like to assist with covering the costs of the new bus engine to The band’s bus broke down early Sunday near Boise, Idaho, and what initially looked like an easy fix turned out to actually require a whole new engine. The breakdown occurred in middle of the band’s third year headlining the City Rockfest tour, which they will now be continuing driving a rented mini van and Uhaul truck until the bus is repaired.


(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )


Arnold Schwarzenegger said he won’t be back–as host of Celebrity Apprentice. He said he prefers a show “without that baggage” – meaning, of course, Donald Trump. ***Actually, we don’t really need “The Apprentice” – we already have enough people losing their jobs in the Trump White House.

A man in Austria last week tried to enter a court with a bag of cockroaches. ***Insert your own lawyer joke here.

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. ***Now you know where the diminishing bee population has gone to… they’ve all been drafted into Major League Soccer.

A London nightclub reportedly turned away six New Orleans Saints players because they were “too urban.” ***Honestly, the players should’ve known they wouldn’t be welcome after seeing the nightclub’s staff all in white with pointy hats.

The head of Australia’s postal service has resigned after it was revealed his yearly salary was $4.3 million. ***It wouldn’t have been so bad had he not also insisted on having a gold-plated mail delivery truck chauffeur him back and forth to the office.

Antarctica reached a record high of 63.5-degrees last week. ***The 40 people living there would like to thank everyone for their carbon emissions.

One neighborhood in Homewood is fighting back for an elderly man who received a nasty note in his mailbox. And they’re doing it in an unexpected way—with Christmas lights. It all started when the man, known as “Mr. Frank” got the nasty letter in his mailbox. It told the man to take down his Christmas lights, clean up his yard, and consider moving and having his home torn down, so a newer home could be built in its place. Enraged neighbors took action. By the next evening, Christmas lights had begun to flicker down the entire neighborhood with lights in windows and wreaths on front doors. It was a show of solidarity for Mr. Frank by the entire Homewood area. ***And if the Grinch knows what’s good for him, he’ll decorate his home for Christmas too otherwise the whole neighborhood will see the sole undecorated house and know who the jerk is that has a heart two sizes too small.

A little boy from Louisville, Kentucky, is warming everyone’s heart with his “haircut prank.” The boy’s mom, Lydia Rosebush, posted on Facebook that her almost 5-year-old son Jax wanted to get his head shaved really close so he could look identical to his best friend, Reddy Weldon. Jax thought his new ‘do would trick his teacher and she wouldn’t be able to tell the boys apart, although Jax is white and Reddy is black. ***But if the teacher sees that and points it out, she’s a RACIST!!!!

Owners of a drive-in theater in northeast Alabama said they will not show Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” movie because it features a gay character. ***With the prevalence of gay characters nowadays, if you eliminate all films with a gay character from your drive-in, how do you have anything left to show?

Major League Soccer’s 22nd season got underway over the weekend. ***And nobody noticed.


Is the Internet keeping your family apart? A recent study says families in the U.S. are spending less time together. And while the study by the Annenberg Center for the Digital Future doesn’t place the blame on the Internet, it does note that the decline in family time does coincide with a rise in Internet use and the popularity of social networks. ***However, they have noticed a dramatic increase of people texting family members in the other room.

The bare minimum of exercise is good enough suggests a study concluding that just 15 minutes of daily physical activity increases your life expectancy by 14 percent, or three years, over your lazy counterparts. ***But then, those last three years of life kinda suck anyway, so why get all sweaty every day for fifteen minutes?

A study finds that television may actually do no harm to babies. Research has determined that viewing TV before age two has no impact on a child’s learning ability. ***Because it requires absolutely zero brain cells to watch.

Do you “Google” your dates? Lots of people do. Katie Laird, a Web marketing professional from Houston, advises her friends to use the power of the Internet search giant. Laird adds that “googling” your dates will help you learn things about them that you likely won’t learn during the actual date… both bad and good. She says there’s an upside to cyberspace dating. She says she met her future husband online. ***Times sure have changed, haven’t they? Before Google existed, if you googled your date you’d get a slap in the face.

Here’s a simple way to have a happier marriage: touch while sleeping. In a study (University of Herfordshire), 94% of couples who touched while sleeping said they were happier. For couples who are hands-off (and arms and legs and toes), only 68% are happy. ***Obviously these researches never tried to get to sleep with my wife’s 2-degrees-below-zero feet in the arch of their backs.



OPEN: And now,, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the story, Marvy Snuffleson’s doctor told him he had infected tonsils – and that he’s have to have surgery! But Marvy decided not to go through with it, escaped from the hospital, and now he’s floating on a bed on the high seas!

CLOSE: Will Marvy be able to change his mind and go through with the surgery, or will he still have to attend his own funeral? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.


Can a Latino be racist against Latinos?

Frances Escalera likes to watch television… and she likes to keep the volume turned up… WAY UP! In fact, she listens to the television so loudly that she has been cited three times by Allentown, Pennsylvania authorities for excessive loudness. Frances is now in danger of being evicted from her apartment because of her loud TV-watching. However dumb that might sound to you, it’s not our true Moment of Duh. Where Frances’ true inDUHvidualism comes in is WHY she refuses to turn down her television’s volume. She says that the city’s legislation regarding TV noise is illegal because (are you ready for this?) it is obviously targeted at the Latino community, who like to listen to loud television. If it’s possible for a Latino to make a racist statement about Latinos, Frances just did.



  • 10. After they arrest someone on COPS, you get anxious waiting to see if the police will remove the suspects mask and reveal the “real culprit” – the owner of the haunted amusement park.

  • 9. If Acme didn’t make it, it’s merely second-best.

  • 8. You have stickers from all over the world attached to your body from the time your friend tried to get rid of you by shipping you to Australia.

  • 7. You can’t run around corners without jumping on one foot and making that screeching sound.

  • 6. Your dare-devil attitude, inspired by your belief that no matter how bad the collision/fall/crushing blow, you will simply be able to shake it all off after watching the stars circle your head for a few seconds.

  • 5. Must chug canned spinach before any physically challenging task.

  • 4. You believe you can beat any adversary, if only you had a dress, some flypaper, and a soundtrack.

  • 3. You yell out Yabba-Dabba-Doo when something goes your way.

  • 2. You still wonder why your dog didn’t come back after that game of “rocket-discus catch”

  • 1. You tried to cut a block of cheese into perfect little cubes with one swipe of a tennis racket, but all you accomplished was to break the kitchen window and send a block of cheese into orbit.

PHONER: What was your favorite cartoon when growing up? Tell us about your favorite episode!


What do you do if you’re a crossing guard and the cars refuse to slow down or stop for you?

FILE #1: A city crossing guard in Pensacola, FL, frustrated because drivers wouldn’t slow down, wrapped a hair drier with electrical tape and began aiming the fake radar gun at approaching speeders. “It’s almost comical,” he said. “People are slowing down, raising their hands at me apologetically.” A city attorney said he couldn’t find any statute that prohibits pointing a hair drier at a vehicle.

FILE #2: Sad to report that in Natick, Massachusetts, a fight broke out at a child’s birthday party at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant — a fight between two mothers! Police said the mom of the 9-year-old birthday boy apparently became enraged because the other woman’s son was “hogging” an arcade game. While 38-year-old Catherine Aliaga and 33-year-old Tarsha Williams won’t be getting any mother-of-the-year awards anytime soon, both have been summoned into court to answer charges of simple assault and battery stemming from the scuffle.

FILE #3: Michael Mathie is serving 30 years in New York’s Elmira Prison for manslaughter, but he’s learning a trade. Actually, he’s learning to trade: he telephones his father with stock tips, and his father places the trades for him. He’s doing pretty well: in 1999, Mathie’s adjusted gross income was $899,969, starting from a $75,000 nest egg several years before. A spokesman for New York’s Department of Correctional Services says there’s nothing illegal about the practice since inmates have a right to discuss anything they wish on the telephone. However, he said, it’s pretty unusual, considering “most inmates wouldn’t know a stock exchange from a soccer ball.”

STRANGE LAW: Rhode Island prohibits anyone from smoking a pipe after sunset.


There are times when recycling can get you into trouble — like when you try to recycle your pot plants!

Police in San Jose, California said workers who were sorting items at a San Jose recycling center last week found a large trash bag full of marijuana plants. The center collects leaves, tree limbs and other natural material for composting, but San Jose police say the plants won’t end up that way. Instead they’ll be held as evidence. The only hard part will be tracking down the doping recycler. Police say it could have come from anywhere in Santa Clara County.


Okay, all your friends and family are probably tired of hearing how you and your sweetie met. Booooring. How about telling us how your parents met – do you know? I’ve been thinking about it – and I don’t have a clue as to how my parents met!


QUESTION: What frustrated Egyptian wife claimed her Hebrew servant tried to seduce her?
ANSWER: The wife of Potiphar – Joseph’s master (Genesis 3:1-5)


QUESTION: In the late 1980’s, MasterCard became the first credit card to feature a person. Who was featured?

ANSWER: Elvis Presley


Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Crest toothpaste claims “Tooth Fairy” as a registered trademark. (False, Colgate)

2. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting advertising space on his pigs. (False – on his cows.)

3. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (True)

4. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. (True)

5. Every photograph of the first American atomic bomb detonation was taken by the same guy. (True – Harold Edgerton)

6. Boxing champion Mike Tyoson once taught Shakespeare at Yale University. (False – but boxing champ Gene Tunney did!)

7. Every day the human stomach produces about 1 liters of hydrochloric acid. (False – 2 liters)

8. The vegetable that is eaten most by Americans is potatoes. (True. On average, a person eats about 140 pounds of potatoes annually.)

9. Actor Bruce Willis’s real name is Marion. (False, it’s Walter)

10. Every square inch of the human body has about 19,000,000 skin cells. (True)


You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ DEER (SUPER)

OXFORD, OH – Super Deer saves the day – again!

Super Deer has been known to residents of Ohio for a long time.   Residents say that the crime-fighting deer has saved countless women, children and elderly from harm.

And the other day – Super Deer was in action again!

While a man was attacking a woman – choking her with her purse straps and punching her in the forehead – Super Deer darted out of the darkness, attacked the attacker and scared him away.

Police were impressed.

“Super Deer jumped up and ran at the attacker… who then took off,” said police spokesman Sgt. Tom Vismans.  ”Super Deer could have been badly injured or harmed by the attacker, but he kept going after him.  That’s how he is.  The bravest deer we’ve every seen.”



A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.


“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15.” The jogger said thanks and left.

The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”


The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”


There were two old boys from Florida who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.”  So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.”

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “How are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”


A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc.  After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.

“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.

“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”


A recent report said it was okay for adults to be overweight as long as they were fit, but the news is not so good for kids. A new report says that overweight children are at risk of premature heart attacks and strokes.  ***So the answer is simply – tell your kids to grow up.

A new study shows that Americans who put in long hours at work also cut back on sleep in order to work in fun activities. ***But we make up for it by sleeping during the commercial breaks.

43% of pet owners sleep in bed with their pets every night. ***That must be awkward for people with goldfish.



Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the inevitable answer.
“Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter if you’re on the ground or in the air.”
“I know,” said her mother. “I just don’t want to be that far off the ground when it’s the pilot’s time to go.”


What are the odds that your car would be stolen twice in the same week?  Remote, right?  Well, brace yourself.  A 26-year-old man from Bismarck, North Dakota, had his car stolen three times in six days!

And he got his car back again each time. The car is a dark purple Ford Contour!  The car first went missing January 20th, was found by the police and then towed back to the man’s house. It disappeared again just a few hours later. Once again the cops found it and brought it back about four hours later. Five days later it was stolen yet again. Police found the car again the next day and brought it back a third time. Each time the car was parked in the guy’s driveway and was locked. Police now suspect perhaps someone else has a set of keys to the car.  ***MARLAR: Dude you need to get The Club. Remember The Club? Or maybe a Pitt Bull!


Author Unknown

A missionary on furlough told this true story while visiting his home church in Michigan….. “While serving at a small field hospital in Africa, every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies.
This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect  money from a bank, purchase medicine and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital.
Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting, one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord. I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident.
Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried
money and medicines. He said, ‘Some friends and I followed you into the jungle, knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards.  At this, I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone in that jungle campsite. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, ‘No sir, I was not the only person to see the guards. My five friends also saw them, and we all counted them.  It was because of those guards that we were afraid and left you alone.
“At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day this happened.
The missionary told the congregation the date and the man who interrupted told him this story:
“On the night of your incident in Africa, it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf I was about to putt when I felt the urge to pray for
you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong; I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?”  The men who had met together to pray that day stood up.  The missionary wasn’t concerned with who they were, he was too busy counting how many men he saw.
There were 26.



Dennis Fisher

Read: Romans 2:12-16

Gentiles, . . . although not having the law, are a law to themselves, . . . their conscience also bearing witness. – Romans 2:14-15

One of William Shakespeare’s most intriguing characters is Lady Macbeth. Having heard a prophecy that her husband would become king, she convinced him to assassinate the reigning monarch. When the bloody deed was done, Macbeth was conscience-stricken. His wife rebuked his squeamishness and helped him cover up the crime. Her husband was crowned king. But that wasn’t the end.

Lady Macbeth’s initial resolve turned to remorse. She grew mentally unstable, and couldn’t stop washing her hands. “Will these hands ne’er be clean?” she asked. Finally, the guilt drove Lady Macbeth to suicide.

Guilt is an emotion that can weigh us down whenever we cross a moral boundary. All of us are capable of feeling guilty when we violate the law of God written in our hearts (Romans 2:14-15). If we continue to sin willfully, however, we will dull our conscience.

Lady Macbeth is a good reminder of a biblical principle: Whatever we sow, we will certainly reap (Galatians 6:7-8). When we feel temptation, we need to listen to our conscience—not try to silence it. It’s far better to avoid committing an act we will later regret than to live with the consequences.

Sometimes there’s just one step to go
Before we yield to sin,
But God will help us to say no
If we trust His power within. —Hess

Only Jesus’ blood can wash away the stain of sin.



A bride in Germany just couldn’t say “I Do” – even though she wanted to!

A bride-to-be in Dulmen, Germany was at the altar and had started to recite her vows when her false teeth fell out right in middle of the ceremony. Humiliated, the bride scrambled out to her car, locked the doors and refused to come out for six hours. The bridegroom finally talked her into returning to the church to resume the ceremony.



Want to stop someone from snoring? Encourage them to do a little singing…

…Researchers at the University of Exeter in England found that nine of 17 snorers who sang for 20 minutes a day reduced their snoring time by nearly 18 percent. When people snore, the loose tissues in the mouth’s soft palate vibrate noisily. But singing helps tighten the tissues, which reduces the vibrations, says Dr. Edzard Ernst, head researcher of the study. ***MARLAR: The downside is that your spouse’s singing could be more annoying.



  • When out to eat, stand up in the booth, then turn around and stare at the person eating behind you for so long it becomes creepy.

  • If someone tries to take something from you, make them sorry.

  • Potty Training (a.k.a The Great Chocolate Caper)… should NOT be easy for anyone involved.

  • MAKE A MESS! That is your mantra.

  • Before you touch anything on your plate, demand the food off everyone else’s first.

  • Shoes, clothes and vegetables are stupid. Avoid them.

  • DO NOT sleep in on the weekends.

  • Life is one big game of tag. Everyone is “It.” RUN FROM THEM!

  • When no one is looking, try something really naughty.

  • While out for walks, stop every six inches to poke, pick up, drop or kick something.

  • Repeat EVERY word you hear. Every. Single. One.

  • Act like a perfect little angel while in the care of others.

  • The backseat of the car is your domain. Mark it by creating a sea of Goldfish crackers.

  • Before you play with your toys, play with everything else.



  • The church bus has gun racks

  • There’s an ATM in the lobby

  • Choir wears leather robes

  • Karaoke Worship Time

  • Ushers ask, “Smoking or Non-smoking?”



Are there health benefits to being a workaholic?  Absolutely!

A study out of Switzerland says that hard-driving workaholics are actually healthier and less likely to suffer heart attacks than other folks. The experts say that those who’ve given up on their dreams are more likely to die prematurely than those who absorb themselves in their work in pursuit of a goal.


A Middle Eastern man who hated Christianity and struggled with alcoholism embraced the religion he once despised after he miraculously survived being run over by a train.

Sgt. Nick Nichols wishes he could have a guide dog, but at nearly 100 years of age, it would be quite an undertaking to introduce a new pup into his life. So, for his milestone March 20 birthday, he would like to help provide the freedom and comfort of a service dog to another veteran in need. Nichols is hoping that, in lieu of gifts this year, people will donate to Patriot PAWS Service Dogs via a GoFundMe page set up by his daughter Cheryl. ***I don’t have any snarky comments about this story, I just wanted to let you know about it in case you wanted to help make this happen. You can find the GoFundMe campaign at Read the People magazine story at

Sgt. Nick Nichols wishes he could have a guide dog, but at nearly 100 years of age, it would be quite an undertaking to introduce a new pup into his life. So, for his milestone March 20 birthday, he would like to help provide the freedom and comfort of a service dog to another veteran in need. Nichols is hoping that, in lieu of gifts this year, people will donate to Patriot PAWS Service Dogs via a GoFundMe page set up by his daughter Cheryl.

Here’s a little moment of AWESOME for you today. A supermarket shopper has been hailed an “absolute champion” after he paid for an elderly woman’s shopping when her card was declined. Ryan O’Donnell noticed the woman in front of him was having difficulty paying at the Wyoming Coles store in New South Wales so stepped in to settle her $44 bill. The father-of-two told reporters that he intervened because “that’s how my mum and dad brought me up.”


I have to hurry. I’m taking my car in to have the payments rotated.


Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 03, 2017…

Logan—Hugh Jackman is back and not singing and dancing, either. He is lives in the outback part of Mexico and ends up helping a young mutant and Professor X. The action begins. Also in the cast are Boyd Holbrook and Doris Moragio. “Logan” is rated R. No rating.

The Shack—“You are never alone as you think.“ Adapted from the best selling novel, this film tells the story of the abduction of a child named Missy and how it affects the family unit. Some view this story/film as religious while others see it as a thriller. Octavia Spencer (“Hidden Figures”) plays the woman in the shack, and Sam Worthington is the father of the little girl. Also in the cast is Tim McGraw. “The Shack” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Before I Fall—Another thriller this week and this one concerns a young woman caught between heaven and the underworld. What to do? She lives, dies and lives and…..what is happening. The stars are Zoey Deutch, Liv Huston, Jennifer Beals and Logan Miller. “Before I Fall” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Table 19—Ah, the dreaded Table 19, which in any banquet, is near the rest room or the kitchen or the back door. In this wedding comedy, the former maid-of-honor is still invited to the wedding but is seated at (gasp) Table 19. What to do? The cast includes Anna Kendrick, Lisa Kudrow and Wyatt Russell. “Table 19” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MARCH 10, 2017…

My Scientology is a documentary about this religion.

Leap! is an animated film about a young girl wanting to become a dancer.

Kong: Skull Island has the largest King Kong of all. Stars Tom Hiddleston and Samuel L. Jackson.

Raw is a horror film and the title just about says it all. French language.

The Last Word stars Shirley MacLaine as a businesswoman who is writing her own obituary.

The Ottoman Lieutenant has a young woman going to the Middle East and falling in love in the time of WWI.

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