March 08, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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ODT: 20170308
PDF: 20170308

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – now quilted for extra softness.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead too. –James 2:26 KJV

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. —Psalm 139:23-24

I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another. — Romans 15:14

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead. — James 2:26

Thought: By this definition, a whole lot of people claiming to be believers are really spiritual corpses. For faith to be real, it must express itself in service. Faith not only moves mountains; it moves believers to act in ways that honor God and bless others, demonstrating their thankfulness for God’s incredible grace.

Prayer: Holy and Faithful Father, please forgive me for the times I’ve been lazy in my spiritual walk. Help me see the many opportunities for service you give to me each day, and then empower me to act in those opportunities in ways that bless others. In Jesus’ holy name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Philippians 3:8 NIV = What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – MARCH 08, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
291 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL PEANUT CLUSTER DAY.

Today is ORGANIZE YOUR HOME OFFICE DAY. ***Which I would do, but my fingers are sticky from eating peanut clusters.

Today is BE NASTY DAY.  ***Which is what you are if you clean your home office with sticky peanut-cluster fingers.

SKUNK DAY. According to tradition, today is the one day each year when skunks mate. ***Probably because they can’t stand being in such close proximity to each other more than once a year.

Today is INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY. ***So, guys, honor your wives and/or girlfriends with the greatest gift a man can give – hand over the remote control.

  • PHONER: Ladies – what would you like for your men to do for you today in honor of “International Women’s Day”?

TODAY IS ALSO…
The Bikini Bottom Free (Crabcakes) Day  Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Day for Women’s Rights & International Peace
Discover What Your Name Means Day Link
Girls Write Now Day
International Women’s Day Link
International Working Women’s Day
National Proofreading Day
National Peanut Cluster Day Link
Registered Dietitian Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, MARCH 09

Barbie Day
Get Over It Day Link
Joe Franklin Day
Nametag Day Link
Panic Day
World Kidney Day

FRIDAY, MARCH 10

International Bagpipe Day
International Day of Awesomeness Link
Land Line Telephone Day
Mario Day
Middle Name Pride Day Link
Salvation Army Day
US Paper Money Day
Women & Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Link
World Sleep Day Link

SATURDAY, MARCH 11

Dream 2017 Day
International Fanny Pack Day Link
Johnny Appleseed Day
National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day
World Plumbing Day Link
Genealogy Day Link

SUNDAY, MARCH 12

Check Your Batteries Day
Girl Scout Birthday Day Link
Girl Scout Sunday Link
Daylight Savings Time Begins

MONDAY, MARCH 13

Donald Duck Day
Earmuffs Day
Fill Our Staplers Day
Good Samaritan Involvement Day
Itra-Uterine Growth Awareness Restriction (IUGAR) Day
K-9 Veterans Day  Link
Ken Doll Day
L. Ron Hubbard Day
Napping Day
National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day
*Smart & Sexy Day

TUESDAY, MARCH 14

International Ask A Question Day
International Day of Action for Rivers Link
MOTH-ER Day
Organize Your Home Office Day
Potato Chip Day Link
Pi Day (as in the math pie = 3.14159265 etc.) Link
National Pie Day Link
Save a Spider Day Link

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15

Brain Injury Awareness Day Link
Brutus Day
Buzzards Day Link
Ides of March
International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter Link
Kick Butts Day Link
National Shoe The World Day
True Confessions Day
World Consumer Rights Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1830: History’s most mysterious fish story came from the island of Ula, off the Scottish coast The island was deluged with a downpour of small herring. Honest. It did rain fish! To this day, there’s been no satisfactory explanation. ***MARLAR: It was so weird many island residents moved to the mainland — where it only rained cats and dogs.

1917: The February Revolution began in Russia. ***Oddly enough, the February Revolution started on March 8; the October Revolution started November 7. Apparently, the Russians never start a revolution on time.

1941: Author Sherwood Anderson, who wrote Tea and Sympathy, died on this date after swallowing a toothpick at a cocktail party. ***Local officials immediately passed a law requiring a 7-day waiting period before serving hors d’oeuvres.

1962: The Beatles made their TV debut on the BBC’s “Teenager’s Turn.” They did Roy Orbison’s “Dream Baby.”

1970: In Framingham, Massachusetts, singer Diana Ross performed her first solo concert after leaving The Supremes.

1971: A new undisputed world heavyweight boxing champion was crowned, as “Smokin” Joe Frazier of Philadelphia won a decision over Muhammad Ali, who was previously undefeated.

1975: In the season’s final episode of TV’s “All in the Family,” Mike and Gloria decided to rent the Jeffersons’ vacant house next door to the Bunkers. (audio clip)

1985: John McPherson of Newcastle, England, set a Guinness World Record by kissing 4,444 women in eight hours. ***Wow, he must’ve gotten one major case of cooties!

1991: Harry Hamlin and Nicollette Sheridan were married.

1993: Michael Jackson established a film production company to make movies with “positive and uplifting” themes.

1995: In Dayton, Washington, four sheriff’s deputies had their heads shaved so their boss, Sheriff Jim LaTour, wouldn’t face baldness alone. LaTour had to undergo chemotherapy for Hodgkins disease. ***At that year’s Kojak look-alike contest they had more entries than usual.

1997: A piece of mold sold for $34,500 at a London auction. It was part of the growth that led to Sir Alexander Fleming’s discovery of penicillin in 1928.

1998: Surgeons in Chongqing, China, removed two of a 32-year-old farmer’s three tongues to allow him to speak and eat normally for the first time in 20 years. The man had grown a second tongue at age five and a third by age 12. ***Before the surgery, he was seriously considering going into politics.

2003: North Dakota Governor John Hoeven reported receiving three calls the first week on his new secure emergency phone installed at the request of the federal Department of Homeland Security — one a wrong number and two from telemarketers. Hoeven said he was trying to figure out what type of disaster had occurred and it was some guy trying to sell him two pizzas for the price of one. The phone was quickly reprogrammed to block non-emergency calls.

2004: Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi slugged Colorado Avalanche forward Steve Moore during a game, leaving Moore with a broken neck, a concussion and facial cuts. Bertuzzi pleaded guilty to criminal assault and was sentenced to probation and community service.

2005: Harvard Business School announced rejection of 119 would-be students accused of hacking into a Web site to learn early if they were accepted before official notification. The school’s dean called the behavior unethical.

2006: Three Alabama college students reportedly looking for cheap thrills were arrested on charges they set fire to nine rural Baptist churches.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1698: The first meeting convened of the British group which later formed the Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge (SPCK).

1711: In this date’s edition of “The Spectator,” English essayist Joseph Addison wrote: ‘To be an atheist requires an infinitely greater measure of faith than to receive all the great truths which atheism would deny.’

1715: France’s Louis XIV announces he has finally put an end to all Protestant practices in his country.

1740: Colonial revivalist Gilbert Tennent, 37, preached his famous sermon, “The Danger of An Unconverted Ministry.” The message, assaulting opponents of the Great Awakening, contributed to the first schism within the American Presbyterian Church between the Old Side and New Side. (In 1758 the two divisions were reunited.)

1782: Ninety-six Native Americans, who had converted to Christianity and were living peacefully in the Moravian Brethren town of Gnadenhutten (near New Philadelphia), Ohio, are killed by militiamen in “retaliation” for Indian raids made elsewhere in the Ohio territory.

1887: Death of Henry Ward Beecher, 73, American clergyman and social reformer. His last words were: ‘Going out into life” that is dying.’

1915: The U.S. Supreme Court finds religious education in the public schools in violation of the First Amendment of the Constitution.

1921: The United Evangelical Lutheran Church in Australia was organized at Ebenezer, in South Australia. In 1966 the UELCA united with the Evangelical Lutheran Church of Australia (ELCA) to form the Lutheran Church of Australia (LCA).

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (“Dawson’s Creek”) James Van Der Beek, 40 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Scooby Doo movies, I Know What You Did Last Summer, “Freddie”) Freddie Prinze Jr., 41

  • actress (“Less Than Perfect”, “The Pretender”) Andrea Parker 48

  • Actress (“The Practice”) Camryn Manheim, 56 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Legends of the Fall, Practical Magic, The Handmaid’s Tale) Aidan Quinn, 58

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Dick Hyman

1942 : Ralph Ellis (The Swinging Blue Jeans)

1943 : Andrew Semple (The Fortunes)

1944 : Keef Hartley (John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers, Keef Hartley Band)

1945 : Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees)

1946 : Randy Meisner (Poco, Eagles)

1947 : Carole Bayer-Sager

1947 : Michael Allsup (Three Dog Night)

1948 : Little Peggy March

1948 : Mel Galley (Whitesnake)

1949 : Dave Lambert (The Strawbs)

1957 : Clive Burr (Iron Maiden)

1958 : Gary Numan

1964 : Peter Gill (Frankie Goes To Hollywood)

1968 : Shawn Mullins

1976 : Gaz Coombes (Supergrass)

1978 : Kameelah Williams (702)

1979 : Tom Chaplin (Keane)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we put photos and clippings in an album?

The first “albums” were white tablets on which the ancient Romans inscribed public records. They were about as exciting as Wayne Newton singing disco. During the Middle Ages, album came to mean any list of people or a register of things. Eventually that evolved into a book that held memorabilia of any kind – photos, autographs, pressed flowers, the severed finger that couldn’t be reattached, and so on. I still have my 6th grade graduation album. Several friends signed it, “2 good 2B 4 got 10.” For the life of me, I can’t remember any of them.
Source: DICTIONARY OF WORD ORIGINS by Jordan Almond

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Kutless member James Mead is recovering from an injury. He posted this week: My back hurts from jumping into a dumpster yesterday. Yes, you read that correctly.

Steven Curtis Chapman has some lifelong fans. He posted a picture of his two granddaughters reading his upcoming biography and added: After dropping by to pick up their own autographed copies of my new book tonight, these two beautiful girls went home and had their mom, my daughter Emily, read chapter 1 to them as their bedtime story! https://www.instagram.com/p/BRFZpsrhrUr/

MercyMe drummer Robbie Schaefer says early doctors’ appointments in his household equal donuts and hot chocolate. Robby shared a picture as he has his daughter enjoyed a daddy daughter date prior to her appointment. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRI94syAlrR/

Mandisa wants to be part of next year’s season of the program Hunted. She posted after watching this season’s finale: “Sign me up for next season! I know I’ll lose, but I’ll go down having a blast!” The program features nine teams of two as they attempt to disappear for 28 days while highly skilled investigators search for them. https://twitter.com/huntedcbs/status/837119475006627840

Natalie Grant has released a devotional based on her song King of the World. Natalie shares with New Release Today how this song challenges her to choose peace over panic. http://nrt.cc/KingoftheWorldDevo

Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips says the other members of the group are more than just bandmates. He posted a picture with front man Michael Tait and added: Not too often you find someone to do life with that totally gets you! These people are worth more than gold! https://www.instagram.com/p/BREgA7nj05y/

Mat Kearney admitted this week that he is obsessed with the program The Wheel on the Discovery Channel. The program dares six participants to survive in six distinctly grueling landscapes across South America. With every turn of the wheel, each survivalist is dropped into a new isolated location. Mat says he wants to be on the TV show.

An important reminder overheard by Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey: “You don’t have to change the world. Jesus already did that. The pressure’s off.”

Hawk Nelson was having bus problems over the weekend. They posted a picture of their bus tire and added: Hay guys, we’re gonna be a little late…it’s suppose to be bigger than that. However, the show did go on. After 24 hours on a bus they finally made it to their show in St. Cloud. https://twitter.com/hawknelson/status/837697108329263104/photo/1

A weekend of highs and lows for Love and the Outcome. Jodi posted: This weekend while we played some of our 1st sold out shows as Love and the Outcome, Milo was fighting his 1st fever. Touring as a family is so special but there are weekends when I wonder if we’ve made the right decision.. But as we fly home I can’t help but praise the Lord for all the ways he took care of us, he always does. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRRAT6fgGFz/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A 40-year-old guy from Jackson, Michigan, apparently had just been dumped by his girlfriend. He responded by yelling, “I am Spiderman” and then jumped from a second-story window. The man suffered cuts to his body and was taken to hospital for treatment. ***So it turns out he’s not actually Spiderman.

A lawmaker in Poland went on the record saying women should earn less than men because they are “weaker and less intelligent.” ***Obviously a lawmaker not planning to run for reelection.

A Japanese theme park apologizes for freezing 5,000 sea creatures into the floor of a skating rink. They thought it would be cute. Due to public outcry, the skating rink was closed. ***I can understand the confusion though – we all loved Disney’s “Frozen” – and who doesn’t like seafood? These complainers need to let it go… let it go… let it go…

New Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke rode into work for his first day on a horse. ***D.C. residents are already complaining about his vehicle emissions.

A Georgia woman is behind bars after slamming her car into a chicken truck because she is a vegan. ***Wouldn’t that also kill the chickens?

The Catholic Church has introduced an app called Sindr, which allows people to make an urgent confession. ***If you’re sinning so often that you need a mobile app so you can make a confession in an instant, you might want to take a serious look at your spiritual life.

The town of Centerville, North Carolina, has voted to disband. At least three other towns in North Carolina are considering a similar move. ***You know your high school band is awful if the town votes to disband. Okay, yeah… I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Canadian authorities have recalled hundreds of bottles of Georgia Bay Vodka after inspectors found that the alcohol level was a whopping 81 percent, twice the amount stated on the label. ***How do they discover something like this? It’s not like anyone is going to complain about it to the liquor store owner.

A Russian man was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving. He admitted to police that he had drunk way too much. As police drew up the paperwork to confiscate the car, the man put his keys in his mouth and tried to swallow them. One officer, fearing for the man’s life, tried to retrieve the keys but the man bit him; only after putting on gloves could the officer remove them. ***Personally, I would’ve let the guy swallow the keys, then take him to the jail for a body scan which will detect metal and result in an uncomfortable full-body search.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Kim Kardashian says criticism of her body makes her want to avoid the limelight. ***Daaaang – have you seen Kim Kardashian lately? She looks huge!

Could your kitchen at home pass a restaurant inspection? New research suggests that at least one in seven home kitchens would flunk the kind of health inspection commonly administered to restaurants. The small study from California’s Los Angeles County found that only 61 percent of home kitchens would get an A or B if put through the rigors of a restaurant inspection. At least 14 percent would fail – not even getting a C. ***Of course, this is just one part of the equation. Home cooking might also be dangerous if your mother-in-law is cooking.

A Nielsen poll has confirmed what many have already observed — the nation’s teens are increasingly using texting as a major source of communication, but a communications expert feels parents should be aware that this trend may have some hidden dangers. While it may not come as any surprise that teens text more than other age groups, what could be disturbing is exactly how much time they spend twiddling their thumbs on their cell phones. According to Nielsen, American children under the age of 18 send and receive roughly 2,800 texts per month, or about 93 per day. ***On the plus side, they are doing a lot less talking.

According to new research, psychologists suggest that our brains find simple things beautiful. ***Which might explain why people find Lindsey Lohan so attractive.

New research by the Harvard School of Public Health says that eating bacon reduces the vitality of a man’s sperm. ***Let me get this straight: So, not only is bacon tasty but it’s also a contraceptive?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had just escaped from the hospital in order to avoid getting his tonsils out. Unfortunately, a Razzleflabbin named Clarence has the job of showing Marvy what happened because he didn’t have the surgery! And it’s not pretty.

CLOSE: This story gets more and more grim by the day! Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

An advice column in India ends up giving more DUHvice than advice.

It seems obvious to me, but a newspaper columnist in India shared this remarkable insight in a recent article: If your daughter’s hair smells, tell her to wash it! Phillip Kingsley (master of the obvious) was answering a question from a reader who wrote to him saying her daughter’s hair was “really unpleasant”. He told readers they could avoid the problem by using shampoo. “The solution for teenagers is simple: encourage them to wash their hair daily by giving them a nice-smelling shampoo and conditioner. Tell them to use the shampoo liberally and to rinse several times.” ***In the coming weeks he’ll write articles on the following topics: “When your car runs out of gas, put fuel in the tank” and “Why you should put your socks on before your shoes.”

  • PHONER: Have you listeners call in and give obvious advice like this as if it’s intelligent and insightful. It could be a fun bit for the morning!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS TO HATE SPRING

10. The name is just too perky.

9. I was just getting used to winter, and Bang! They change it again!

8. Not quite Christmas, not quite summer.

7. Last autumn’s un-raked leaves in the lawn looked so much better with a thick blanket of snow over them.

6. Cubs fans start talking smack the first time the team reaches .500

5. Spring egg hunts yield Summer “lost egg” findings.

4. In Canada it means it’s actually warm enough to go out and shovel the snow!

3. Neighbor’s “Delux Pollen Assortment” flower bed is back.

2. I finally got my snowblower fixed.

1. Birds singing, flowers blooming, warm sunshine..what’s a grouch to do?

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you want to be in pictures, try getting into crime!

FILE #1: Two Italian criminal masterminds had this brilliant plan to rip off their insurance company. They first met in a public place to discuss exactly how they would pull off the operation, first by crashing their cars into each other and then faking injuries. It sounded like such a foolproof plan that they went ahead and did it, smashing their cars into each other. This all would have been fine except for one small matter. These criminal masterminds failed to notice a film crew nearby when they were discussing their plan. The Italian film crew was there on another assignment and just happened to catch the whole thing on tape, including the discussion of how these two men planned to defraud the insurance company. After returning to the studio and discovering what they had, the TV crew turned the tape over to the cops and the men were arrested.

FILE #2: Brazil Police have discovered an 80-yard tunnel stretching from a nearby town to the Bangu III maximum-security prison, a half-complete passageway that would have been used in a jailbreak. The Bangu III prison houses hundreds of dangerous criminals who apparently have plenty of contacts on the outside as their friends dug a tunnel that was about 6 foot deep, had concrete pillars and electric lighting! Freeing prison inmates has become a profitable business in Brazil recently and jailbreaks are commonplace.

FILE #3: Three men forced their way into the principal’s office at a middle school in Johannesburg, South Africa, wielding a gun. They then proceeded to have the headmaster and two secretaries put all their jewelry, money and the contents of the school safe into a black briefcase. But turning to flee, one of the robbers grabbed the wrong black briefcase, escaping instead with the principal’s bag, stuffed with homework.

STRANGE LAW: In Alabama you can be put to death for putting salt on a railroad track.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

What’s the worst thing you can do if you’re scheduled to show up to court on drunk driving charges? I’m guessing you guessed right.

Authorities say a 19-year-old Iowa City, Iowa man showed up drunk to serve a three-day public intoxication sentence at the Johnson County Jail. Court records said initial tests showed the man had a blood-alcohol content of 0.101 percent when he arrived at the jail.  So now he now faces another charge, requiring more jail time.

PHONER PHUN

Daylights Savings… should we keep it, or is it time to ditch the idea? Why?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: It what city was Jesus when he turned water into wine?
ANSWER: Cana (John 2:1-11)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What TV character used the men’s room as his office?

ANSWER: The Fonz on “Happy Days” (audio clip)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast. (True)

2. In the early ’80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking. (True)

3. Scientists say the rotation of the Earth is slowing down, each day will be lengthened by one-tenth of a second. (True)

4. About 90% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald. (False, 96%)

5. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. (True)

6. The most money ever paid for a cow in an auction was $1.3 million. (True)

7. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. (True)

8. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. (True)

9. The most extras ever used in a movie was 1,000,000. (False – it was 300,000 for the film Gandhi in 1981.)

10. Every person has a unique tongue print. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ TERRIFIES WYOMING TOWN (PTERANODON)

Residents of Kirby fear a large flying reptile.

KIRBY, Wyo. — Citizens of a small town in Wyoming are locking their doors and refusing to leave as a creature with a 22-foot wingspan stalks the skies. Residents first reported sightings of the Cretaceous-era creature pteranodon yesterday. Today, not only do the reports persist, but they claim the creature is beginning to attack anyone walking the streets of Kirby.

Though the flying reptile’s diet is known to have existed of mostly fish, the creature is reported to be aggressively pecking people and even lifting some off to an unknown location. It is thought that the beast has a nest somewhere within the higher elevations of Kirby.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

“Vernon, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Vernon, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear,” insisted the boy. “I had to force him, but he ate it!”

JOKE #2

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: “Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck.”

JOKE #3

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?”

The father responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, “Go get your Mother.”

USELESS FACTS

The average life span of a mosquito is two weeks. ***Which is two weeks too long.

The Discovery Canyon Campus elementary school in Colorado Springs has banned children playing Tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will.  ***If you’re being chased against your will, you’re not playing Tag, you’re playing Cops & Robbers.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GIFT IDEAS

Worried over what to give his girl for her birthday, the young man asked his mother for help. “Mom,” he said, “If you were going to be 16 years old tomorrow, what would you want?”

“Not another thing” was her heartfelt reply.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU THREW AWAY WHAT?!?

Attention wives, don’t throw away your husbands’ old clothes unless you plan on visiting him in the hospital!

What is it with spouses of the gentler persuasion that feel they can toss out their husbands’ favorite shirts and sweaters without asking? We husbands would never presume to have that type of power. If we even thought about throwing away one of our wives’ sweaters, we’d be in the doghouse for a month! But the women, they must feel they can do the very same thing with no repercussions whatsoever. Well, now there is a good reason for wives to stop this practice… it could be dangerous to their husbands! Recently a man squeezed himself down a garbage chute in his apartment in an attempt to get his sweater back – after his wife threw it out. The basement doors to the garbage were locked, so he felt this was his only option. He didn’t get the sweater though… he got stuck between floors! Firefighters were called after the man’s wife unsuccessfully tried to save him by lowering a knotted bed sheet. The man is now safe… and it’s too late to save the sweater, as the garbage collectors came early the next morning.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

BOTH FREE AND PRICELESS

By: Joseph J. Mazzella

It seems like it takes more and more money to buy fewer and fewer things these days. The price of fuel, food, clothes, and homes continue to rise and rise.

I am just glad, however, that the best things in life remain both free and priceless.

Every hug and kiss that I get from my daughter and sons is freely given yet is worth more than all the treasures in this life. Every sunset is a glorious gift from God but is also a one of a kind original that no expensive painting could ever match. Every kind word I hear or smile I see costs me nothing and still brings more joy to my soul than all the money in the world.

Love, joy, goodness, delight, peace, happiness, and wonderful oneness with God are all free. They are yours for the choosing each and everyday of your life. They cost you nothing at all, yet they bring more wealth into your life than any amount of gold or silver ever could. Each time you choose them you make yourself a little

richer in what is essential and eternal. Each time you share them you multiply your wealth a hundred times over. I myself think that the richest man in the world is the one with the biggest heart not the biggest bank account.

Choose some priceless love today then. Share your fortune of joy with the world. Build yourself some treasures of Heaven while still here on Earth. No amount of money can ever match a smile freely shared, an encouraging word happily given, or an act of help right from the heart. No amount of money can ever match a gentle hug, an uplifting thought, or a random act of kindness. No amount of money can ever match a merry heart, a cheerful spirit, or a loving soul living in oneness with God. What a glorious world we live in where the best things in life are both priceless and free of charge.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Read: Proverbs 10:8-21

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. –Proverbs 10:19

The young woman’s urge to embarrass her own mother in a court of law was greater than her desire to be found not guilty.

When the defendant in a home-invasion case took the stand, she felt compelled to “correct” her mother’s earlier testimony. “Mother,” she snapped, “they didn’t get in through the upstairs, they came in through your bedroom window at the back. You left it unlocked!”

Hmm. I’m just asking the obvious here, but how did she gain such detailed information about the crime? The verdict: She was found guilty of aiding and abetting two young men who had broken into her parents’ home and stolen a substantial amount of jewelry.

I sat on that jury. It was painful to observe the animosity that spanned the chasm between a mother and daughter on opposing sides of the judicial process. But the law required me to decide on the merits of the case.

In his closing arguments, the prosecutor quoted from Proverbs 28:1, “The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.” He was referring to the defendant’s efforts to conceal her complicity by lying–until evidence proved otherwise.

I thought of other proverbs she would have done well to heed. From Proverbs 10:2, “Ill-gotten treasures are of no value.” Proverbs 11:12, “A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor [or her own mother], but a man of understanding holds his tongue.” Proverbs 12 adds, “An evil man is trapped by his sinful talk” (v.13), and “A fool shows his annoyance at once” (v.16). “A quick-tempered man does foolish things,” says Proverbs 14:17.

Actually, I couldn’t find too many proverbs that didn’t apply to this woman’s situation. But then, I had to admit that they apply to me too!

From the same lips I use to praise God, I’ve spewed venom about those made in His image (see James 3:9). I’ve aided and abetted the devil in his war on reputations. And I’ve engaged in some character assassinations of my own.

Finding that sad, angry woman guilty of crimes against her own parents did not make me feel warm and fuzzy. But how much more do I grieve God with my own verbal barbs against His creations?

“My brothers, this should not be,” James exclaimed (3:10). And with the Holy Spirit’s help, it won’t be!

(modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)

LEFTOVERS

HARD FOR ME TO SAY I’M SORRY

Saying you’re “sorry” is sometimes the hardest thing to do. It’s apparently very difficult in China.

…There’s actually a business called “The Apology and Gift Center” which just opened in Tianjin, China. Their slogan is “We Say Sorry for You”. And for $2.50 they’ll send someone to make an in-person apology on your behalf. Along those same lines, one of the most popular radio shows in Beijing is called “Apologize in Public Tonight”. The show allows people to call in and apologize over the air. ***MARLAR: I’ll think you’ll agree, nothing sincerely says “I’m sorry” then by giving a complete stranger $2.50 to do it for you.

LIFE… LIVE IT

SHOPAHOLICS

Are you a shopaholic? That might not be a bad thing!

We often hear about the dangers of being a shop-a-holic… but one expert says there are benefits to being a shop-a-holic as well. According to at least one expert, you may be getting more than great bargains when you go out on a spending spree… you may be getting a more youthful appearance and a longer life. Sociologist Dr. Tom Dunne is one of the first to study the effects of shopping on women. He conducted a two year study with 260 ladies, instructing them to keep a careful record of their shopping habits including how long their sprees lasted and how much they spent. The results?

  • Women who averaged 17 hours of shopping or more a week and spent over $200 on each shopping trip were slimmer, stronger and more robust than women who shopped less and spent less.
  • Frequent shoppers showed fewer wrinkles, higher energy levels, brighter skin tones and better all around youthfulness.
  • Women who purchased clothing fared slightly better than women who bought kitchen items and housewares.
  • You’re better off taking lots of short trips than two or three long ones. For instance, if you spend 21 hours shopping per week, it would be better to take seven three-hour trips rather than three seven-hour trips.
  • Finally, the frequent shoppers in the study not only stayed younger but also had greater self esteem. Well sure they do… so would I if I could spend $200 a week shopping and not have to worry about it!

PHONER: Are you a shopaholic? When you’re out shopping, is there something you just cannot resist buying if you see it? What is it?

JUST FOR FUN

COMMUNICATING WITH WOMEN

A word never to use in the presence of a woman… “fine”.

…Why? Well, because I’ve recently discovered that women use the word “fine” at the end of an argument when they feel they are in the right but want the other party (usually a man) to shut up. So, when your wife asks you how a certain dress looks on her, never respond by saying “fine”, as this will cause one of those arguments.

Oh, and another phrase to be careful with is “five minutes”. In women’s time this is about half an hour. Don’t believe me? Well, it’s roughly equivalent to that very same five minutes we men say are left in a football game and we’ll take the trash out when it’s over. So it’s a pretty good trade.

And then there is the word “nothing”. This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ‘Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine.”

FUN LIST

GREAT LINES FROM JOB EVALUATIONS

  • I would not allow this employee to breed.
  • This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.
  • He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
  • A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
  • A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
  • A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  • Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
  • Fell out of the family tree.
  • Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
  • Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.
  • He’s so dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.
  • If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
  • If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.
  • If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  • On neuron short of a synapse.
  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
  • Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  • Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO SCORE A JOB OFFER (from CareerBuilder.com)

  • Sell yourself – You’ve worked hard in school and in your career; don’t be afraid to share your accomplishments. A great way to sell yourself is in your cover letter, include a “P.S.” at the end of your cover letter, the trick is including one so intriguing, employers won’t have any choice but to call you to learn more.

  • Have a goal before you apply – Always have a clear job search goal in mind, preferably, a specific job title at a specific company.”

  • Put a figure to it – Figure out how much you’re worth by looking into salary resources like CBSalary.com. You’ll be able to negotiate pay, benefits and other perks much better if you know what others in your field earn.

  • Prove the claims in your resume. Testimonials are incredibly effective sales tools, include two or three brief quotes from clients or managers.

  • Know the company. With all the information available on the Internet today, no job seeker should go into an interview without a thorough understanding of the company.

  • Give employers a reason to hire you. When you follow up after the interview, include something that shows the employer how great you are for the job.

  • Be prepared. Bring a resume and a list of references. Be early, be bright, be professionally aggressive and thankful for the interview.

  • Think for the employer. Never assume the employer will know what job is best suited for you, the specific value of what you’ve done before or how much salary you’re worth. You have to figure that out for them.

  • Use an angle. If the company is a competitor to a company you worked for, try to get an insider to recommend you to the hiring manager. If you know someone there, use your knowledge to open a door.

  • Plan for a disaster. If you’re prepared for disaster — such as a job loss — you’re in a much better position to get a new job quickly. Make sure your resume is up-to-date and that you can reach your network of contacts as soon as possible.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Do you know how much the woman in the next cubicle is paid? How about the guy down the hall who seems to be on an endless coffee break? Unless you’re a manager, chances are you only know what you make — and no one else. And researchers at Cornell University and Tel Aviv University think that’s wrong. Salaries should not be kept a secret. Why? Secret salaries hurt worker performance and increase the turnover of top talent. When the numbers on the payroll are shrouded in secrecy, employees begin to doubt that an increase in personal performance will be accompanied by a pay increase and that can lead to reduced performance and productivity. In addition, they say, high-performing workers are typically more sensitive than others when they perceive there is no discernible link between performance and pay, suggesting that pay secrecy may hinder a firm’s ability to retain top talent. ***Personally, I don’t agree with this at all. If everyone knows the other workers’ salaries, it would likely breed jealousy, contempt, and dissatisfaction with a job you might have previously felt fine about. But that’s just my opinion.

Turn down the furnace to rev-up your metabolism. When you exercise in chilly conditions, you tap into your body’s fuel reserve of brown fat. These special fat cells in your neck and chest burn regular old white fat to produce heat. As a result, you lose more jiggly fat in the same amount of exercise time. To harness the power of brown fat, Harvard’s Joslin Diabetes Center suggests exercising in a cool room. And you don’t have to live in Boston to try it. “Work out at 62 degrees to 64 degrees and walk outdoors in cool weather for 30 to 40 minutes a day,” says George King, M.D., chief scientific officer at Joslin. (Men’s Health)

Michael and Marisa Johnson and their four children are once again leaving their hometown of Eagle Mountain — this time to live in South America. Beginning in mid-March, they’ll spend a year volunteering with Operation Underground Railroad, working with children who have been rescued from sex trafficking and have no homes to return to because they were either sold as sex slaves or their families have moved away. http://peoplem.ag/1FndmNP

After six-year-old Elena died of cancer, her family found hundreds of notes she’d written and hidden all over their home, reminding her grieving loved ones of how much she loved them. http://www.gospelherald.com/articles/69734/20170224/before-dying-cancer-6-y-o-girl-leaves-hides-hundreds.htm

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Help beautify the city dump — throw out something beautiful today!

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

MARCH 03, 2017…

Logan—Hugh Jackman is back and not singing and dancing, either. He is lives in the outback part of Mexico and ends up helping a young mutant and Professor X. The action begins. Also in the cast are Boyd Holbrook and Doris Moragio. “Logan” is rated R. No rating.

The Shack—“You are never alone as you think.“ Adapted from the best selling novel, this film tells the story of the abduction of a child named Missy and how it affects the family unit. Some view this story/film as religious while others see it as a thriller. Octavia Spencer (“Hidden Figures”) plays the woman in the shack, and Sam Worthington is the father of the little girl. Also in the cast is Tim McGraw. “The Shack” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Before I Fall—Another thriller this week and this one concerns a young woman caught between heaven and the underworld. What to do? She lives, dies and lives and…..what is happening. The stars are Zoey Deutch, Liv Huston, Jennifer Beals and Logan Miller. “Before I Fall” is rated PG 13. No rating.

Table 19—Ah, the dreaded Table 19, which in any banquet, is near the rest room or the kitchen or the back door. In this wedding comedy, the former maid-of-honor is still invited to the wedding but is seated at (gasp) Table 19. What to do? The cast includes Anna Kendrick, Lisa Kudrow and Wyatt Russell. “Table 19” is rated PG 13. No rating.

MARCH 10, 2017…

My Scientology is a documentary about this religion.

Leap! is an animated film about a young girl wanting to become a dancer.

Kong: Skull Island has the largest King Kong of all. Stars Tom Hiddleston and Samuel L. Jackson.

Raw is a horror film and the title just about says it all. French language.

The Last Word stars Shirley MacLaine as a businesswoman who is writing her own obituary.

The Ottoman Lieutenant has a young woman going to the Middle East and falling in love in the time of WWI.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.