March 10, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160310

 

 

DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME BEGINS THIS WEEKEND! 

Just a reminder – this Saturday night/Sunday morning be sure to set your clocks FORWARD one hour!

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hi, I’m (JOCK) here once again with more proof that fame is fleeting — but mediocrity lasts forever.

 

Daylight Saving Time: I can never remember how to set the clocks.  Is it Spring FORWARD and Fall BACK?  And where does PAY IT FORWARD come in?

 

Daylight Saving Time: Fall back, spring forward.  You lose an hour.  At 2am, there is a tear in the space/time continuum and it instantaneously becomes 3am.  Nullifying – dare I say “deleting” – the “2am hour”.  But where did it go?  Did it get tacked onto the end?  If we experience such a shift in the energy of the universe, but Arizona doesn’t – it has to still be there, but not… – Nic Natarella

 

If you died during daylight saving time, what do they put on your death certificate?  An hour earlier or later?  Did you live longer?  Or shorter?  Can you say you “lived a full life” or was it one hour short of a full life? – Nic Natarella

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”  –Isaiah 55:8-9

 

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. — 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

 

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect… — 1 Peter 3:15

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Where then are the gods you made for yourselves? Let them come if they can save you when you are in trouble! For you have as many gods as you have towns, O Judah. — Jeremiah 2:28

 

Thought: Let’s focus on one simple concept today. Based on the allocation of our time, interest, lifestyle, expenditures of money, and speech, who or what is our god? Is it the Lord God?

 

Prayer: I am convicted, dear Heavenly Father, of how many false gods crowd into my world and seek my attention. Please bless me and empower me with an undivided heart. I want my heart to be free from anything false that might distort or diminish my loyalty to you. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Malachi 3:10 NIV = “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – MARCH 10, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 289 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL BLUEBERRY POPOVER DAY.  *** This morning I chose blueberry Pop-Tarts instead.  I’m on a budget.

 

Today is FESTIVAL OF LIFE IN THE CRACKS DAY.  *** Why am I suddenly envisioning a bent-over plumber with a noise maker?

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

International Bagpipe Day

International Day of Awesomeness

Land Line Telephone Day

Mario Day

Nametag Day

Salvation Army Day

U.S. Paper Money Day

World Kidney Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, MARCH 11

Dream 2016 Day

Johnny Appleseed Day

Middle Name Pride Day

World Plumbing Day

World Sleep Day

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 12

Genealogy Day

Girl Scout Birthday Day

International Fanny Pack Day

National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 13

Daylight Savings Time Begins

Digital Learning Day

Donald Duck Day

Earmuffs Day

Good Samaritan Involvement Day

K-9 Veterans Day

IUGAR Awareness Day

Ken Doll Day

  1. Ron Hubbard Day

National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day

Smart & Sexy Day

 

MONDAY, MARCH 14

International Ask a Question Day

International Day of Action for Rivers

MOTH-ER Day

Napping Day

Potato Chip Day

Pi Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 15

Brutus Day

Buzzard Day

Ides of March

International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter

National Agriculture Day

National Shoe The World Day

True Confessions Day

World Consumer Rights Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16

Freedom Of Information Day

Brain Injury Awareness Day

Black Press Day

Curlew Day

Goddard Day

Kick Butts Day

Lips Appreciation Day

No Selfies Day

St. Urho’s Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 17

Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

Campfire Girls Day

Companies That Care Day

St. Patrick’s Day

National Irish Coffee Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1963: Some 25,000 people lined the 4-mile route to Shenandoah Memorial Park where singer Patsy Cline was buried at Winchester, Virginia. At the gravesite, souvenir hunters snatched everything except the gold-finished coffin.

 

1969: James Earl Ray pleaded guilty in Memphis, Tennessee, to the assassination of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. Ray later repudiated the plea, maintaining his innocence until his death.

 

1979: The Godfather of Soul James Brown took the stage at the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. He sang “Your Cheatin’ Heart” and “Tennessee Waltz,” then cut loose with “Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag” and four other screamers. The applause was reported as “polite.”

 

1980: Willard Scott debuted as the new weatherman on NBC-TV’s “Today Show.” He also played Mr. Poole occasionally on The Hogan Family.

 

1984: Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” reached #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. Weird Al Yankovic followed with “Girls Just Want To Have Lunch.”

 

1988: Pop singer Andy Gibb died of heart inflammation at age 30.

 

1991: Easy rider Peter Fonda led 5,000 motorcyclists through Daytona Beach, Florida, to celebrate Bike Week.

 

1991: A Vincent van Gogh painting, “Still Life with Flowers,” sold for $1.43-million in Chicago. It had hung for 36 years in the living room of a suburban Milwaukee couple who thought it was a copy.

 

1996: The International Museum of Cartoon Art opened in Boca Raton, Florida, housing 160-thousand cartoons by more than 1,000 artists. Peanuts creator Charles Schulz, who donated a million dollars to the museum, was on hand for the dedication.

 

1997: Sheridan, Wyoming, library workers located the rightful owner of a treasure uncovered in a donated set of the 1934 Collier’s Encyclopedia. The $40-thousand in government bonds, $2,600 in cash, and several rare coins hidden in one volume went to Mary Petit of Norfolk, Virginia, whose husband had hidden it there before he died 12 years earlier.

 

1997: “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” a TV spin-off of the 1992 film of the same name, debuted on the WB Network. The TV series starred Sarah Michelle Gellar.

 

1998: Federal authorities announced that in the two-year period 1995-1996 $8.5-million in food stamps were issued to nearly 26,000 dead people.

 

2002: Actor Roger Moore married his fourth wife, Christina “Kiki” Tholstrup.

 

2002: Ravindra Nath Halder of Calcutta, India, got a call to come in for an interview for a government job he had applied for 34 years earlier. The 52-year-old grandfather said he was too old for the state job, but he’s glad to know his application was finally considered.

 

2004: Teenage sniper Lee Boyd Malvo was sentenced in Virginia to life in prison.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1302: Pope Boniface VIII sentences Italian poet and politician Dante Alighieri, author of the Divine Comedy, to be burned to death for political reasons. He avoided the fate by living in exile, but he never saw his wife again.

 

1528: Balthasar Hubmaier, called by his enemies “head and most important of the Anabaptists,” is burned at the stake in Vienna after being deemed a heretic by a Roman Catholic court. In addition to his writings against Lutherans and Zwinglians, he penned one of the earliest arguments for religious toleration. Though other Anabaptist leaders rejected his pleas for a tolerant Christian government and judicious use of the sword, they adopted his arguments for adult baptism, tolerance, and free will.

 

1681: Charles II makes English Quaker William Penn sole proprietor of the colonial American territory known today as the state of Pennsylvania. Penn gave legal rights not only to Native Americans but also to persecuted Christians like the Mennonites.

 

1748: John Newton, the captain of a slave ship, converts to Christianity during a huge storm at sea. He had been reading Thomas a Kempis’s The Imitation of Christ, and was struck by a line about the “uncertain continuance of life.” He eventually became an Anglican clergyman, the author of the famous hymn “Amazing Grace,” and a zealous abolitionist.

 

1880: Commissioner George S. Railton and seven women arrive in New York City to establish the Salvation Army in the United States.

 

1898: George Mueller, English philanthropist and evangelist, dies. He, in his 93 years helped more than 10,000 English orphans.

 

1913: Harriet Tubman, known as “Grandma Moses” for her work rescuing slaves and guiding them to the north on what was dubbed “the Underground Railroad,” dies. Her 19 rescues (of about 300 slaves) were successful, she said, because God showed her the way. “‘Twant me, ’twas the Lord,” said the diminutive woman who herself escaped slavery. “I always told him, ‘I trust to you. I don’t know where to go or what to do, but I expect you to lead me,’ and he always did”.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Spy Kids 2, “Hannah Montana”, younger sister of Haley Joel Osment) Emily Osment, 24
  • actress (The Ugly Truth, Just My Luck) Bree Turner 39
  • actor (Baby Mama, “As the World Turns”) Stephen Mailer 50
  • Actor/comedian (“Titus”) Chris Titus, 50
  • Actress (“A Different World,” “Fame,” “Melrose Place”) Jasmine Guy 52 (
    )
  • actress (Basic Instinct, Sphere, Total Recall, Quick and the Dead) Sharon Stone 58
  • Actor/exercise equipment hawker/political activist (“Walker: Texas Ranger”, Delta Force, Missing in Action, Lone Wolf McQuade, Sidekicks) Chuck Norris, 76 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1903 : Bix Beiderbecke

1920 : Jethro (Homer and Jethro)

1940 : Dean Torrence (Jan & Dean)

1945 : Pete Nelson (The Flowerpot Men)

1947 : Tom Scholz (Boston)

1950 : Ted McKenna (The Sensational Alex Harvey Band)

1954 : Tina Charles

1963 : Jeff Ament (Pearl Jam)

1964 : Neneh Cherry

1966 : Eddie Brickel

1972 : Timbaland

1972 : Douglas Ardito (Puddle Of Mudd)

1975 : Jerry Horton (Papa Roach)

1977 : Robin Thicke

1983 : Carrie Underwood

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is Toledo considered so holy?

The expletive, “Holy Toledo,” refers to Toledo, Spain, which became an outstanding Christian cultural center in the year 1085.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Building 429 front man Jason Roy is thankful for those who help keep him grounded. He posted: So thankful for a big God who’s surrounded me with such incredible friends who remind me who I am.

 

Jonny Diaz says his young daughter Charlie likes to help her mom clean the gym. Then he clarified: Well, she likes to ride the vacuum like its a Zamboni.

http://twitter.com/jonnydiaz/status/706117266446876672/photo/1

 

From Casting Crowns Melodee Devevo: You know you’re not part of the selfie generation when the majority of the photos in your selfie album are not of you.

 

Does packing eventually get easier?  Third Day’s David Carr says it doesn’t. He posted this week: I’ve been packing a suitcase week after week for over 20 years and I’m still no good at it! Too much, not enough, warm clothes, cool clothes, how many pairs of shoes?

 

The Newsboys need your help. Their God’s Not Dead We Believe tour kicks off on March 31 and the members of the band are looking for people who could volunteer with Feed the Children at their concerts.

http://bit.ly/1SVd5bh

 

Danny Gokey recently joined with some friends for a fun take on the old hymn ‘Nothing But The Blood Of Jesus’.

http://ow.ly/ZfHBm

 

An interesting blog this week from Jenny Simmons titled Mercy in my Underwear Drawer. Now the blog is actually about the mercy she was shown by her husband but, if the interesting title had you intrigued, you can read the entire story in her blog…

http://www.jennysimmons.com/blog/2016/3/8/0vq9q768tve5j0q0qi27a0sxp8m6ej

 

 

Mercyme played for a packed house this past Sunday. They joined Chris Tomlin, Switchfoot, and Lecrae on stage for Greg Laurie’s Harvest America simulcast from Dallas Cowboys Stadium Sunday evening. More than 80,000 people filled the stadium to capacity with as many as 20,000 filling overflow sites around the complex. And when the invitation was given, as many as 6,000 flooded the playing field to find out more about a new life with Christ.

 

New music from Tenth Avenue North is just around the corner. Members of the band posted on Tuesday: Don’t want to cause a ruckus here, but guess what? We’re recording a new song tomorrow. Expect some new radio delight very soon!

 

Third Day’s Mac Powell was celebrating an anniversary this week. He posted: The self titled Third Day album, our first major label release, was released on March 6,1996. 20 years ago TODAY!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BCog3NBAm6g/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In Russia an unidentified man stole a nice looking Nissan from a repair garage and was really enjoying its acceleration when he noticed something. It had no brakes. He sailed through a couple of traffic lights before crashing into another car. Police helped him from the wreckage before hauling him off to jail.  ***No brakes?  Are we sure it wasn’t a Toyota instead of a Nissan?

 

Genetically engineered mosquitoes could help eradicate malaria. The students in Anthony James’s insectary at the University of California, Irvine, have genetically engineered mosquitoes that carry genes that stop the malaria parasite from growing.  ***How about we just come up with a way to rid the world of mosquitos?  Wouldn’t that be a better plan?  http://on.mash.to/1MAVPCF

 

Some of this year’s Summer Olympics in Rio will be recorded in virtual reality.  *** So it’ll be just like Atari 2600 Video Olympics!  Man, that was exciting stuff – wasn’t it?

 

Donald Trump is not happy about being compared to Adolf Hitler.  ***And insists his plans to invade Poland are just a coincidence.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Do you often feel groggy after the Daylight Saving Time switch? Scientists say you better watch out for “microsleeps” – tiny lapses in attention that can create problems at work and accidents on the road.  ***And if you microsleep while microwaving a cup of instant coffee, you’ll briefly end up in 1955.  But you probably won’t remember it, because you were microsleeping at the time.

 

The journal Nature reports that researchers in Zurich, Switzerland, have found a musician whose brain “wires” are crossed in such a way that she senses tastes when she hears music. For instance, a minor third tastes salty to her, a minor second chord is sour, and a major third tastes sweet. ***MARLAR: That’s weird, because I’m the exact opposite. I hear today’s pop music and taste bile.

 

Half the nation’s overweight teens have unhealthy blood pressure, cholesterol or blood sugar levels that put them at risk for future heart attacks and other cardiac problems, federal research says.  And an even larger proportion of obese adolescents have such a risk, according to the alarming new numbers.  “What this is saying, unfortunately, is that we’re losing the battle early with many kids,” said Dr. Stephen Daniels, a University of Colorado School of Medicine expert.  ***MARLAR: Most health experts believe the solution is to somehow find a way for teenagers to burn calories simply by logging in to Snapchat.

 

Junk food: bad for your waistline, bad for your relationship. It may be fun to wolf down a value meal with your sweetie, but what follows may not be pretty. Researchers discovered that meals high in saturated fats resulted in a greater increase in stress hormones and more inflammation during heated discussions.  ***MARLAR: Especially if those discussions revolve around being upset that your significant other is fat and wasting too much money on junk food.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Rush Hour”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “Modern Cars”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Millard the Monkey had tried everything he could think of to somehow be better than Steve Mozart.  But the more he tried, the worse things got… and now he’s in the hospital.  But he couldn’t even do that better than Steve Mozart, because HE’S in the hospital too – and in worse condition!

 

CLOSE: Is it true, will Steve Mozart really live?  Will Millard still live?  Will Steve be okay in time for his concert – and will Millard still be angry about Steve being better than him?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 12/13

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, all of the jungle animals, after searching long and hard for a new king, finally found a new lion king – but he’s already got a jungle to be king of.  But then he began telling the little king, Louis, how being a king didn’t mean having answers to everything… because there was also another king…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Finding inexpensive entertainment is a good idea – so long as it doesn’t include child endangerment.

Hutchinson, Kansas’ Aron Pritchard is on trial for aggravated child endangerment after he put his girlfriend’s children in a clothes dryer. However, Aron had a good reason. He says he wanted to show the kids they could have a good time without much money and that all you needed was a good imagination. Unfortunately, after about an hour of cheap tumbling thrills, the dryer heated up and gave one of the kids second-degree burns and gave Aron the thrill of being arrested.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE NOT A MORNING PERSON

 

  1. The 5 minutes you spend waiting for the coffee to brew are the longest 25 minutes in the day.

 

  1. You regularly need to replace your alarm clock because you hit the snooze button with too much enthusiasm.

 

  1. Friends and relatives never, ever call you before 9 am.

 

  1. The only sunrise you’ve ever seen is a Sunrise on the weather channel.

 

  1. You change your major in college when you find out that teachers/trash collectors/fishermen/insert profession of choice have to get up early.

 

  1. Getting your child to school on time is cause for celebration and amazement.

 

  1. You love your pillow so much that you’ve given it a pet name. (COMA)

 

  1. You don’t know what cereal is for. Breakfast is a cheeseburger from the drive through at 10:45am.

 

  1. Rush hour traffic? What traffic?
  2. You yell at the neighborhood kids for waking you up on their way to school, but then you realize that they’re on their way home.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Robbing a house is one thing… stealing a house is a bit more difficult! 

 

FILE #1: A man from Ecuador returned from a business trip to find his house had been burglarized. And when we say his house was robbed, we’re not just not talking about the stuff inside — we’re talking the actual house! Fulton Porozo Quinonez told police in that he found a vacant space where his house used to stand. Quinonez said his neighbors confirmed that four men had taken his home apart and carried the pieces away. He has been staying in a hotel while the investigation continues. Not to minimize what happened to the poor guy, but if four guys can take apart your “house” and cart it away, it might not really be a “house”!

 

FILE #2: A 23-year-old Seattle man was enjoying his Sunday afternoon nap when he woke up and started playing with his 9mm handgun – and in his tired state, it went off! That’s right – he shot his left hand. He quickly was transported to the hospital, where he filled out an injury report. Not aware that the police always follow up on gun wounds, they went to his house and found him growing illegal drugs. Seattle police are now hoping other criminals help them out by shooting themselves in the hand too!

 

FILE #3: A man fleeing police after a traffic stop in Missoula, Mont., ran into the city library and hid in a restroom, prompting an evacuation while police arrested him.  Police say the man refused to get out of his vehicle during a traffic stop. While driving away, he struck the front tire of a bicycle. Lt. Geron Wade says the bicyclist did not appear to be seriously injured.  Officers responded to the library after someone called police reporting a very nervous-looking man standing on the sidewalk outside.  Wade says an officer spotted the man going into a restroom and the library was evacuated for about 30 minutes while he was arrested.  ***MARLAR: Before being apprehended the man was able to successfully check out the book “Crime and Punishment”.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Providence, Rhode Island, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Elvis has entered the building – and smells of something other than peanut butter and bananas. 

In central Kentucky, 64-year-old David Blaisdell is keeping the spirit of Elvis alive and well. Unfortunately he’s also keeping Elvis’ substance abuse problems alive and well. The Elvis impersonator had a court date to answer charges of stalking and violating a protective order. He showed up sporting sunglasses and a rhinestone-studded shirt with a scarf draped around his neck… and apparently drunk. So the judge had him tested for intoxication and it was determined David’s blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit.  So the judge sentenced him to three days in jail.  ***MARLAR: Now Elvis is singing a little “Jailhouse Rock.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Garage Sale season is back.  Anybody really into going to garage sales?  My wife and her best friend love it – they go a couple of times every week.  Honestly, I don’t understand it.  When you stop at garage sales, what are you hoping to find?

 

Some companies are insisting that applicants show them the hidden posts on their Facebook pages – even going so far in some circumstances as demanding the job applicant turn over their username and password.  Have you ever come across anything like this?  Would you work for a company that asked this of you during the interview process?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: God’s 2 witnesses are represented by 2 candlesticks and 2 what?

ANSWER: Olive Trees (Revelation 11:4)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In 15th century England, what color was believed to be a fever reducer?
ANSWER: Red. The sick wore red underwear and pajamas and surrounded themselves with red objects.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. TV’s Lieutenant Columbo did have a first name… Ambrose. (False, it was Phillip.)

 

  1. Babe Ruth has the record for career strikeouts. (False – Reggie Jackson with 2,597)

 

  1. When the first duck-billed platypus arrived at the British Museum, the curators thought it was a fake and tried to pull its beak off. (True)

 

  1. An adult esophagus can range from 10 to 14 inches in length and is one inch in diameter. (True)

 

  1. The human liver performs five different functions. (False – it performs over 500!)

 

  1. 75% of all raisins eaten by people in the United States are eaten as snacks. (False – they are eaten at breakfast.)

 

  1. In the United States, on average 50% of a city’s land is paved. (True – including parking lots, driveways and roads)

 

  1. The vocabulary of the average person consists of approximately 5,000 words. (True)

 

  1. The three best-known western names in China are Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley. (True)

 

  1. The original idea for steak knives derived from shark teeth. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ MAN CALLS 911 (INVISIBLE)

WINDER, GA –  The Invisible Man called 911 by mistake last week.

The 28-year-old Invisible Man, Thomas Dachille, called 911 on Feb. 17.  He told the operators that he was invisible and he needed emergency assistance.

Paramedics with Barrow County Emergency Services  and a deputy with the Barrow County Sherriff’s Office responded to Dachille’s residence.

According to an incident report, when the deputy arrived at the location, it took them over two hours to find the Invisible Man, because he had fallen asleep in the basement.  Luckily, the Invisible Man started snoring and the Sheriff could identify his location (apparently the Invisible Man sleeps in the nude).

The Invisible Man told the deputy that he needed to go to the hospital “because I can’t find myself.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Goober – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket – went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Goober, what is 1 and 1?”

“11” he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”

“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Goober supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now Goober, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Goober looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Goober wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Goober was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

 

JOKE #2

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, “Did God make you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

 

JOKE #3

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench.  “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The TV commercials may not have been lying to you.  Apparently chewing sugar-free gum really can make your teeth cleaner and stronger. A study partially funded by Wrigley found that some gums actually help prevent cavities, reduce plaque and make teeth stronger. Now, the American Dental Association has awarded these treats the group’s seal of approval. It’s the first time gum packages will be able to display the seal.  ***MARLAR: Or for an even healthier idea, toss out the gum and just chew the wrappers.

 

About the only snow you’ll find in Southern California is in the movies. But sled dogs are hot in a region where sand dunes outnumber snow drifts. Now, urban mushing allows owners of huskies and other sled dogs to give their animals a workout. The dogs pull scooters instead of sleds.  The Southern California Working Snow Dogs group has about 240 members. But not all the scooter-pullers are huskies or malamutes. Some people harness their standard poodles to the scooters for a weekend run in the park.  ***MARLAR: They should make sled dogs street legal… nowadays dog food is more affordable than regular gas.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

COFFEE COOL

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. “I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Late for tennis practice?  Land your plane wherever you can.

Lake Villa, Illinois’ Robert Kadera and his son were recently flying in his 1949 Piper Clipper airplane when they were finally able to land on the Marriott Lincolnshire Golf Course on their third attempt. No, it wasn’t an emergency landing. Well, not technically. With traffic backed up and his son late for tennis practice, the two jumped into the airplane and took off. Since the tennis courts had no landing facilities, they used the golf course across the street. Yes, the police were notified by concerned citizens thinking it may be a crash landing and both they and the FAA are looking into the matter and Robert will likely face charges.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

Our understanding must change if we are to see that the tithe already belongs to the Lord. When we return it to Him, we are not giving. In fact, if it already belongs to Him, we are actually robbing God if we use the tithe or spend it!
Not only does the tithe belong to Him, but also it is holy to the Lord. The tithe is holy money, set aside for His holy use. When Achan stole from Jericho something that had been set aside unto God, judgment fell upon Achan and his house (Joshua 7).
Another aspect of the tithe is that it belongs to the Lord as His advance provision. In Mark 11:3, the little donkey was there by God’s prophetic command (Zechariah 9:9), marked out centuries before as provision for what the King would need in that generation.
A final point regarding the tithe is that God will return your tithe to you with a blessing for your obedience. Weren’t the owners of the donkey told, “The Lord needs it and will return it soon” (Mark 11:3)? God is not robbing you of ten percent when you tithe—He is using it as an opportunity to bless you!

–Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A GREAT COACH

Read: Philippians 2:12-24

I have no one like-minded, who will sincerely care for your state. —Philippians 2:20

Although Billy Connors was not a great athlete himself, many people consider him to be the best pitching coach in major league baseball today. New York Yankees manager Joe Torre said: “Sometimes the best players can’t coach, because they were such naturals . . . whereas guys like Billy had to work at it, and pay attention to all the little things.”

Connors also knows and cares about the men he coaches. All of them have been to his home for a meal. His genuine concern opens their ears to what he has to say.

This account of a caring and competent coach made me think of Timothy in the New Testament. Though at times he seemed timid and fearful (2 Timothy 1:6-8), Paul considered him proven and dependable in guiding others. The apostle wrote, “I trust in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you . . . . For I have no one like-minded, who will sincerely care for your state” (Philippians 2:19-20).

Spiritual coaching is not just telling people how to accomplish great things for God. It begins with caring for them and earning the right to be heard. Then, with a keen eye and a kind word, we can encourage others in the way of faith.

Any Christian can become a great spiritual coach by the grace of God. —David McCasland

 

O Lord, You are faithful and always will be,
You never give up on working with me;
So as I am striving to serve You each day,
Help me show others Your will and Your way. —Fitzhugh

 

Genuine concern for others is the mark of a great spiritual coach.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

(SAVE THIS ONE FOR MONDAY ONCE DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME KICKS IN!)

Feeling groggy today?  It might be Daylight Savings’ fault!

According to the National Sleep Foundation, the loss of just one hour’s sleep can make sleep-deprived people more accident-prone, increasing the risk of highway crashes.  Daylight Savings doesn’t help!  Studies have found up to a 17% increase in fatal car crashes in the four days immediately after the switch to Daylight Saving Time. The average adult needs about eight hours of sleep each night, yet more than a third of American adults sleep fewer than seven hours a night, the National Sleep Foundation reports. Lack of sleep interferes with the daily activities of approximately 35% of those adults, studies show. Because it’s not so easy to reset the body’s internal clock, even those who get plenty of sleep may find themselves feeling disoriented, cranky or groggy today. It’s much like a case of jet lag, and the rule of thumb is that it will take the body clock one or two days to adjust for each hour of time change.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Here’s another good reason to eat dark chocolate beside the fact that it tastes so good.

A study presented to the American Heart Association found that dark chocolate improves blood flow by dilating the coronary arteries. Researchers gave subjects, whose average age was 29, either flavonoid-loaded dark chocolate or white chocolate without flavonoids every day for two weeks. The dark chocolate eaters showed dramatic increases in coronary blood flow, while there was no change in the white chocolate group, according to researchers at Japan’s Chiba University. “Flavonoid-rich dark chocolate intake had acute effects in improving coronary function in healthy adults,” concluded the study. Of course, all dark chocolates are not equal. The chocolate in the study had a 70 percent or greater cocoa content.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Would you rather your child be rich, or happy?

A psychological study shows that 78-percent of all parents would rather their kids be smart enough to make a lot of money than be happy – which is a complete reversal from the same survey taken eight years ago.  ***MARLAR: Complete reversal?  So then what would that be – being dumb enough to blow your entire paycheck yet be happy?

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE WAYS YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE TOO CONTROLLING

  1. They’re reading this list to you.
  2. They’ve said it’s only a top three list.
  3. They’ve told you that you think this list is not funny.
  4. They’re almost done reading to you and that you may leave soon.
  5. But before you leave, where are you going?

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

WHEN IS A PENNY WORTH MORE THAN A PENNY? WHEN IT IS OWED TO THE IRS!


Ernest Spence of Roswell, New Mexico, was penalized $284.18 — plus $2.32 interest — for being a penny short on his income taxes! Spence, owner of his own glass company, said he paid $28,153.93 in fourth-quarter taxes, but the IRS “wanted 94 cents instead of 93.” He said the shortfall was inadvertent and happened because “you don’t carry over fractions of cents.” 
After he received the notice of the $284.18 penalty for underpayment of a penny, his accountant sent a letter to the IRS explaining the mistake. In return he got a certified letter from the IRS threatening to seize his assets.  Government officials are looking into correcting the problem. ***MARLAR: Easy solution… get rid of the IRS!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Three Lies That Are Keeping You Unhappy from Focus on the Family:

  • The first lie is that life should be easy and fair.
  • The second lie is that we should be better than we are.
  • The third lie is that we deserve more than we have.

http://bit.ly/1ndG7Vt

 

 

5 Things Jesus Never Promised from Relevant Magazine:

  • A faith that frees us from grief
  • He’d make us physically healthy
  • He’d make us wealthy
  • His Church would be filled with perfect people
  • We’ll be loved by all for following Him

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/5-things-jesus-never-promised

 

 

A terminally ill boy was beaming with pride on Friday, after his local sheriff’s office helped him fulfill his wish to become “sheriff for a day.” According to Yahoo news, 8 year old Caleb Holder was diagnosed with a rare brain disorder on Jan. 5. His mom says he’s in the advanced stages of the disease, There’s nothing they can do. On March 4 the Allentown Police Department helped Kaleb’s No. 1 wish come true. He was brought into the sheriff’s office, where he was sworn in and taken for a ride in a patrol car. Kaleb also met the county’s president judge and received a replica of a sheriff’s vehicle.  http://ow.ly/ZfLEO

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and every time you turn on the weather channel, a commercial is on.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MARCH 04, 2016…

 

Desierto—It is a major operation to cross the border illegally and in this movie, not only are the police out there, but a vigilante out to kill them, too.  The film stars Gael Garcia Bernal, Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Alondra Hidalgo. “Disierto” is rated R. No rating.

 

London Has Fallen—Gerard Butler is part of security for a top level government meeting. When the Prime Minister dies mysteriously, he begins to figure out what is really happening.  Also in the cast are Morgan Freeman and Charlotte Riley. “London Has Fallen” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot—Tina Fey takes on the role of a former journalist who is remembering her days as a correspondent in Afghanistan. With her is Margot Robbie.  Billy Bob Thornton is also in the cast. “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Zootopia—Here is an animated film about animals of many, many species (think the “Star Wars” Counsel meetings) who get along and have their leaders, meeting for various rules and regulations. Of course, there are problems and someone who wants to take over everything. Voices include Idris Elba, Jason Bateman, J. K. Simmons and Ginnifer Goodman. “Zootopia” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for animation fans.

 

Knight of Cups—Here is a fantasy romance in which a man keeps changing places with himself somewhere else.  Hmm.The cast includes Christian Bale, Cate Blanchett, Brian Dennehy and Natalie Portman. “Knight of Cups” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Wave (subtitled)—Here is an original idea. What would happen if one of the walls of a Norwegian fjord collapsed and sent all that water inland?  An inland tsunami?  This is the premise of the movie and this actually could happen.  Just as earthquake experts can place where an earthquake may happen, experts in Norway study the Fjord walls for cracks, like the walls of a dam.  The cast includes Kristoffer Joner, Thomas Bo Larsen and Ane Dahl Torp.  “The Wave” is rated R. No rating.

 

MARCH 11, 2016…

 

Brothers Grimsby is a comedy about brothers who are police officers.  Stars Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong.

 

The Other Side Of The Door can be scary as in trying to contact a deceased child. Stars Sarah Wayne Callies.

 

Young Messiah looks at Jesus in his childhood and living in Egypt. Stars Sean Bean.

 

Eye In The Sky has Helen Mirren as head of a military drone squad.

 

Hello, My Name Is Doris stars Sally Field in a comedy about aging.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.