March 11, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160311

 

 

DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME BEGINS THIS WEEKEND! 

Just a reminder – this Saturday night/Sunday morning be sure to set your clocks FORWARD one hour!

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s ironic hosting a morning show. My dad thought nothing of getting up at 4:00 every morning. And I don’t think much of it either.

 

My last show was so funny that one guy almost laughed himself to death. But I’m okay now.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.”  –Ecclesiastes 7:8

 

In your hearts, set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. — 1 Peter 3:15

 

God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ. — Acts 2:36

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. — 1 John 3:1

 

Thought: Some gifts are too precious for words and too wonderful to fully appreciate. The greatest of these gifts is that we are God’s children! We have been adopted into the Father’s family! Jesus claims us as his younger siblings! Even though the world may not acknowledge this, that condition doesn’t make it any less true. After all, the world didn’t recognize its Creator when he became flesh and lived among the people he had made. God’s Word, however, still proclaims the truth; we ARE the children of God!

 

Prayer: Thank you, dear Heavenly Father, for the incredible blessing of being your child. I know that I haven’t begun to understand all the glorious things this gift means. However, dear Father, I look forward to what I can learn now about what it means, and I joyously anticipate the day when I can see you face to face and fully know the meaning of this joy. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV = He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from the beginning to end.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – MARCH 11, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 288 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is DEAF AWARENESS DAY. ***MARLAR: But then, if you’re deaf you won’t be listening to my show, so there’s no sense in my talking about it here, is there?

 

Today is NATIONAL TOOL APPRECIATION DAY.  ***MARLAR: Some (especially men) say it’s Tool Worship Day, but those guys usually have a screw loose.

 

1951: The comic strip “Dennis the Menace” first appeared in U.S. newspapers. His favorite drink was root beer and for years he always carried a slingshot in his back pocket. ***MARLAR: Forget the slingshot; he needs to stop drinking root beer – that could make him Dennis the Obese Menace!

 

Today is OOPS DAY. On this day in 1953 an American B-47 accidentally dropped an atomic bomb on South Carolina. Fortunately, the safety was on and the bomb did not explode. ***MARLAR: They accidentally drop a nuclear bomb and they call it “Oops Day?”  That’s it?  They could potentially kill thousands of people, and their reaction is, “Oopsie daisy… I’m such a butter fingers!  My bad!”?

 

Did you know that Romeo and Juliet were real people?  ON THIS DATE IN 1302 Romeo Monteveccio married Juliet Cappelleto in Citadela, Italy, and inspired Shakespeare to write a play about them. The real couple had never seen each other before the marriage.  ***MARLAR: And in the true story, Romeo killed himself not because he thought Juliet was dead, but because he saw what she looked like that first morning with curlers and no make-up.

 

Today is DREAM JOB DAY.  A day to think upon your dream job, confirm it’s still your dream job, and begin making a plan to achieve it!  ***MARLAR: Me?  My dream job is anything that allows me to stay home, sleep in, work in my pajamas, work when I want, and get paid at least $1,000 a day.  Still searching.  (See PHONER PHUN)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Dream 2016 Day

Johnny Appleseed Day

Middle Name Pride Day

World Plumbing Day

World Sleep Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, MARCH 12

Genealogy Day

Girl Scout Birthday Day

International Fanny Pack Day

National Urban Ballroom Dancing Day

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 13

Daylight Savings Time Begins

Digital Learning Day

Donald Duck Day

Earmuffs Day

Good Samaritan Involvement Day

K-9 Veterans Day

IUGAR Awareness Day

Ken Doll Day

  1. Ron Hubbard Day

National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day

Smart & Sexy Day

 

MONDAY, MARCH 14

International Ask a Question Day

International Day of Action for Rivers

MOTH-ER Day

Napping Day

Potato Chip Day

Pi Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 15

Brutus Day

Buzzard Day

Ides of March

International Day of Action Against Canadian Seal Slaughter

National Agriculture Day

National Shoe The World Day

True Confessions Day

World Consumer Rights Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16

Freedom Of Information Day

Brain Injury Awareness Day

Black Press Day

Curlew Day

Goddard Day

Kick Butts Day

Lips Appreciation Day

No Selfies Day

St. Urho’s Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 17

Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

Campfire Girls Day

Companies That Care Day

St. Patrick’s Day

National Irish Coffee Day

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 18

Awkward Moments Day

Forgive Mom and Dad Day

National Biodiesel Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1302: Romeo Monteveccio married Juliet Cappelleto in Citadela, Italy, and inspired Shakespeare to write a play about them. They had never seen each other.

 

1903: Lawrence Welk was born in Strasburg, North Dakota. He sold accordion lessons by mail before his TV show became a hit. The 16-year network show still thrives in syndication. His only hit record was “Calcutta” in 1960.

 

1930: The Intimate Revue closed at London’s Duchess Theatre after half a performance, history’s shortest theatrical run.

 

1945: Golfer Byron Nelson won the Miami Four-Ball Tourney, the first of 11 consecutive tournament victories on the pro golf tour. No other golfer has won more than four in a row. For all 11 victories, Nelson won barely $30-thousand.

 

1951: The comic strip “Dennis the Menace” first appeared in U.S. newspapers. His favorite drink was root beer. For years, he always carried a slingshot in his back pocket.

 

1958: A B-47 accidentally dropped an unarmed nuclear weapon into the garden of a family in Mars Bluff, South Carolina. The conventional explosives detonated, destroying the home and injuring six family members. The blast resulted in the formation of a crater 50-70 feet wide and 25-30 feet deep. Five other houses and a church were also damaged. The Air Force paid the injured family $54,000 in compensation.

 

1986: NFL owners voted to use instant replays for the 1986 football season. The practice was discontinued in 1991, then brought back in 2000.

 

1993: After he was robbed of $20.00 in Winnipeg, Manitoba, the victim asked for his wallet back. The nervous mugger handed over his own wallet by mistake, then ran. The thief’s wallet contained $250.00.

 

1994: Actress Melanie Griffith filed for divorce from actor Don Johnson.

 

1997: Queen Elizabeth II knighted rock musician Paul McCartney.

 

1998: The International Astronomical Union reported that a mile-wide asteroid could collide with Earth on October 26, 2028. The following day NASA said there was no chance of the asteroid hitting earth.

 

1999: Plymouth University began offering England’s first degree in surfing. School official acknowledged the Surf Science & Technology degree came from the same intellectual “mold” as Golf Course Studies and Car Showroom Management.

 

2002: England’s Plymouth University became the first school in the world to offer a degree in surfing. Surfing head Dr. Colin Williams said the degree in surf science and technology would come from the same intellectual mould as golf course studies and car showroom management.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

843: Eastern churches officially reintroduced and sanctioned icons, after an 89-year controversy that occasionally turned violent.

 

1513: Leo X is elected pope. His eight-year tenure, marked by gross excesses and immorality, would culminate his 1520 excommunication of Martin Luther.

 

1812: Fire engulfs missionary William Carey’s print shop in Serampore, India, destroying his massive polyglot dictionary, two grammar books, sets of type for 14 eastern languages, and whole versions of the Bible. Undaunted, Carey said, “The loss is heavy, but as traveling a road the second time is usually done with greater ease and certainty than the first time, so I trust the work will lose nothing of real value . . . We are cast down but not in despair.” News of the fire also catapulted Carey to fame, bringing in abundant funds and volunteer labor.

 

1870: The Martyrs Memorial, Smithfield, England is inaugurated. Many Christians had been executed at Smithfield over the years.

 

1888: Samuel Zwemer, who would become the Apostle to Islam, preaches his first public sermon — to an African -American congregation.

 

1897: Death of Henry Drummond noted for his popular Christian writings. An evangelical worker with Moody and Sankey and involved in other Christian activities, he scandalized many Christians when he said God created the world through evolution. Others, such as doctor Rendell Short, said their faith was established by his science writings. He wrote a wonderful devotional, The Greatest Thing in the World.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (American Beauty, Parenthood) Thora Birch, 34
  • Actress (“ER”) Alex Kingston, 53 (audio clip)
  • Actor (“Chicago Hope”) Peter Berg, 54
  • Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia 80
  • Newsperson Sam Donaldson, 82

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1903 : Lawrence Welk

1914 : Art Todd

1943 : Little Johnny Taylor

1944 : Ric Rothwell (The Mindbenders)

1947 : Mark Stein (Vanilla Fudge)

1948 : George Kooymans (Golden Earring)

1950 : Bobby McFerrin

1951 : Katie Kissoon (Mac & Katie Kissoon)

1955 : Nina Hagen

1957 : Cheryl Lynn

1961 : Mike Percy (Dead or Alive)

1961 : Bruce Watson (Big Country)

1968 : Lisa Loeb

1969 : Pete Droge

1979 : Joel and Benji Madden (Good Charlotte)

1981 : Russell Lissack (Bloc Party)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Does it really rain cats and dogs?

The phrase “raining cats and dogs” originated in 17th Century England. During heavy downpours of rain, many of these poor animals unfortunately drowned and their bodies would be seen floating in the rain torrents that raced through the streets. The situation gave the appearance that it had literally rained “cats and dogs” and led to the current expression.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Protesters formed outside a recent Third Day show in Nashville. Front man Mac Powell says they were there protesting that he had made a country cd. Mac’s response: I’m just glad that somebody knew!

 

Switchfoot on their goals for Album number 10: What do we wanna accomplish with Album10? We wanna solo the absurd and mute everything else.

 

Blanca may have gotten a little carried away this week. She posted: When you check your Instagram and can’t stop until you reach where you last left off… The world could be ending but you. ain’t. stopping.

 

Randy Phillips, of Phillips, Craig & Dean, says Zechariah 14:9 is a good verse to remember during the election season. It says God will be king over all the earth, one God and only one. What a day that will be.

http://bible.com/97/zec.14.9.msg

 

Jamie Grace has an in interesting sense of taste. She posted: I’m eating cabbage. Y’all God is SO talented but He outdid himself with cabbage for sure

 

Jamie Grace was feeling like a fifth wheel this week. She posted: This is awkward. Chillin with my parents and we just picked up their two friends. Jamie added: 50 year olds laugh a lot but I’m not getting any of their jokes.

 

Sometimes necessity is the mother of invention. Paul Baloche posted: I just made a BLT soft-shell taco, because we had no bread. Wow! I’m hooked.

 

Good news or not? The jury is still out. Casting crowns Jaun Devevo posted: I got a new phone everyone! I can finally take selfies again!

 

Jamie Grace had a life altering decision to make this morning. She asked on twitter: do I go back to sleep and eat a granola bar on the way or make breakfast now and miss that extra half hour of snoozin. Her solution: just drank a juice box and crawled back in bed.

 

A word of encouragement from Britt Nicole: Start today! Take an adventure even if it’s a 5 minute walk or a conversation with someone you don’t know! Don’t get stuck in the SAME OH ROUTINE! Take an adventure today! It will fill your soul

 

The members of For King and Country are out with a behind-the-scenes look at their home-away-from-home. They recently recorded a video giving a tour of their tour bus. Check out how they live…

http://www.digitaltourbus.com/features/for-king-country-bus-invaders-ep-945-video/

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Someone stole 40,000 pounds of meat recently from a plant in Pennsylvania. According to police, a trucker loaded $110,000 worth of meat into a trailer during a scheduled pickup and drove off. He was supposed to deliver it to a company in Milwaukee but never showed up. A spokesman for Nicholas Meat says the stolen meat would have been enough to make 160,000 burgers.  ***Police are currently on the lookout for a man dressed in black and white stripes by the name of the “Hamburglar”.

 

After nearly a decade, Dos Equis is retiring its character, the “Most Interesting Man in the World.”  ***Not to worry… that annoying internet meme will go on forever.

 

A pro-gun mom in Florida is in stable condition after being shot by her four-year-old son.  ***Yes, you have the right to bare arms… but you also have the responsibility to lock up those guns when you have a toddler in the house.

 

Around 40% of those voting for John Kasich this week did so because, they explained, they don’t like the other candidates.  ***Um, you do realize that Sanders and Clinton are with the OTHER party, right?

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A shocking report: All Fruit Loops taste the same. Foodbeast.com recently conducted a blind taste test to determine if consumers could distinguish the difference between the brightly-colored rings of sweet goodness found in Fruit Loops, and found that each color was actually the same flavor. Not content on just ruining Fruit Loops for generations to come, they also used the same methodology to discredit the disguising colors behind Trix and Fruity Pebbles.

 

There’s something romantic, historic, and often mysterious about a wine cellar. Now drop a wine cellar in a funeral home and, well, is it creepy — or does it make the visitation more fun? Hodges Funeral Home in North Naples, Florida, is — as far as we know — the first wine cellar at a funeral parlor in the entire country.  ***MARLAR: At least this way they know that SOMETHING will get better as it ages once it’s put underground.

 

Click it or ticket. It’s not just for people anymore — at least in New Jersey.  Police and animal control officers are authorized to cite drivers with unrestrained animals in the car. Yes, that includes the back of a pickup truck too. Violators can be fined $250 to $1,000 per offense.  ***MARLAR: Which is like 7,000 in dog dollars!

 

The number of people dying on the nation’s roads has fallen to its lowest level in six decades, helped by a combination of seat belts, safer cars and tougher enforcement of drunken driving laws.  The annual report shows that “America’s roads are the safest they’ve ever been.”  ***MARLAR: Another reason roads are safer – unemployed people can’t afford to buy gas.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Mouse-Flavored Cat Food”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Charles Marshall, “Discipline”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Millard the Monkey had tried everything to be better than Steve Mozart.  Unfortunately, that landed him in the hospital… with Steve Mozart.  And now everyone is more concerned about Steve getting well in time for his concert than with their friend Millard the Monkey.

 

CLOSE: How much can one monkey take?  To be honest, I’m getting a little annoyed that Millard’s friends aren’t paying him much attention at all.  Sure, Steve Mozart is a great guy and all, and Millard has taken his competition against Mozart a bit too far, but they’re all still friends, right?  Tune in again next time for As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF MARCH 12/13

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, all of the jungle animals, after searching long and hard for a new king, finally found a new lion king – but he’s already got a jungle to be king of.  But then he began telling the little king, Louis, how being a king didn’t mean having answers to everything… because there was also another king…

 

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh is actually a retroactive Moment of Duh.

In Buffalo, New York, a city not known for championship sports teams, comes the story of Brian Armstrong whose frustrations finally got the better of him. Brian was watching the videotape of a 1999 NHL playoff game with his brother and he got angry once again that his team had lost. Keep in mind that he was watching a videotape of a game that took place in 1999… and he already knew the outcome of the game. No matter, he still got angry at his team losing and to take out his frustrations, he picked up the TV and attempted to throw it off the balcony. And now for the Double-Duh… he forgot to let go of the TV, so he too fell 20 feet to the ground. He suffered only minor injuries. The TV was not so lucky.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN PROFUNDITIES

 

  1. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.9. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

    8. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

  1. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.6. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

    5. Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?

    4. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

    3. We have enough youth–how about a fountain of SMART?

    2. All generalizations are false, including this one.

    1. I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got! (Don’t forget it’s tax season)

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

All bank robbers aren’t in it for the money.

 

FILE #1: Are all criminals in the crime business for money? Well, no – not if you consider the case of Donald Guthrie. Donald has been arrested for robbing the M&T Bank in Lock Haven, Pennsylvania. Why did he rob the bank? Like I said, it wasn’t for the money – well, not for HIM that is. Turns out he needed pay off his bail bondsman which he owed money to from a previous arrest.

 

FILE #2: Prosecutors hoping for a witness in an Arkansas murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong tree. They sent out a batch of subpoenas for anyone who had contact with Albert Smith while he was jailed, including 5-year-old Murphy Smith — Smith’s dog.  The defendant had written his dog a letter from his cell, and that is how the Shih Tzu’s name got on the witness list.  Prosecutors realized the mistake after the defendant’s brother brought in Murphy to answer the subpoena and a deputy would not let them into the courthouse because no dogs were allowed.

 

FILE #3: While fortune cookies usually bring hopes of brighter things to come, they proved to be the undoing for 30-year-old Terrence Middleton who was arrested in Tulsa, Oklahoma for breaking into two Chinese restaurants. Police responded to a burglar alarm only to find Terrence with more than $20 in coins and the fortune cookies in his pockets. Hope it was worth it.

 

STRANGE LAW: A California law prohibits spitting anywhere in public. But you are allowed to spit on a baseball field. ***MARLAR: Now doesn’t that just make sense?  If you’re all by yourself, and no one is looking, it’s still illegal to spit in public. However, if you’re on national television and millions of people are watching when you spit, then it’s okay just so long as you’re playing baseball.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Does a state have to have an official everything?  One Missouri politician is looking to name a state beer.

Missouri State Rep. Curt Dougherty wants to make the “King of Beers” the official state beer of Missouri. He said Budweiser is a Missouri-based international icon that, if officially recognized, might even persuade more people to visit the state. His reasoning is, “We’ve got a state dinosaur, a state frog, a state reptile, a state flower, a state nut,” but no state beer.  Dougherty’s bill was introduced last week but has not been referred to a House committee as of yet. Budweiser has been made by St. Louis-based Anheuser-Busch Inc. since 1876.  ***MARLAR: Actually, they do have a state nut – and its name is Curt Dougherty.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What is your dream job? Mystery shopper, opera singer, Disney tour guide?  Maybe your dream job is just to cut the grass on the freeway.  There are no wrong answers when it comes to a dream job… what’s yours?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was Joshua’s original name?

ANSWER: Oshea (Numbers 13:16)

 

QUESTION: What was the name of a leper who was also the captain of the host of the King of Syria?

ANSWER: Naaman (2 Kings 5:1)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What new dance style first started distracting pedestrians in 1984?

ANSWER: Break Dancing

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. “Star Trek: The Next Generation’s” Captain Jean-Luc Picard’s fish was named Shakespeare. (False – Livingston)

 

  1. Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45 second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s movie, Psycho. (True – the scene took 7 days to shoot.)

 

  1. Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy. (True)

 

  1. George Harrison, with “My Sweet Lord,” was the first Beatle to have a Number 1 hit single following the group’s breakup. (True)

 

  1. In 1920, 57% of Hollywood movies billed the female star above the leading man. (True.)

 

  1. In 1990, 18% of Hollywood movies had the male star above the leading lady. (False – 18% had the lady as top billing.)

 

  1. In Disney’s Fantasia, the Sorcerer’s name is Yeckim – which is Mickey spelled backward. (False, the sorcerer’s name was Yenside – which is Disney spelled backward._

 

  1. George Washington grew marijuana on his farm. (True. And he promoted it’s growth. In the 1790s, the crop was grown mainly for its industrial value as hemp and for soil stabilization.)

 

  1. Mickey Mouse is known as ‘Topolino’ in Italy. (True)

 

  1. Movie detective Dirty Harry’s badge number is 2211. (True)

 

  1. Eighty-three percent of people hit by lightning are men. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____-JAMMING GUN (SPEECH)

The Japanese have invented a gadget that painlessly forces people into silence.

Kazutaka Kurihara of the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Sciene and Technology, and Koji Tsukada of Ochanomizu University, developed a portable “SpeechJammer” gun that can silence people more than 90 feet away.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor’s office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, “It’s a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you’re walking erect. What did that doctor do?”

She answered, “Miracle, schmiricle. He gave me a longer cane.”

 

JOKE #2

Fisherman: “Hey, pal! You’ve been standing there watching me fish for three hours!

Why don’t you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?”

 

Onlooker: “No, thanks. I don’t have the patience for it.”

 

JOKE #3

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!”

The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Britain’s clergy are arming themselves after a report that a number have been assaulted. The Church Of England has decided to give their clergy Tai Kwan Do lessons. ***MARLAR: When Jesus said, “turn the other cheek” I’m pretty sure he did not mean “hit both sides of your enemy’s face.”

 

Surprising new research shows that people who walk their dogs don’t get as much exercise as people who don’t have dogs.  ***MARLAR: And I don’t have a dog right now, meaning that if I DID get one I’d actually get less than zero exercise.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BIRD LOVER

A man bought a budgerigar from a pet shop on the understanding the budgerigar would talk. After a few days he went back to the shop. “It is not talking” he said.
The pet shop owner said “I do not understand, if he is running up and down the ladder he should speak”!
“He does not have a ladder” said the man.
“Well there is your trouble” buy him a ladder.
Two more days later, same man same shop. “He is still not talking”!
“Is he running up and down the ladder”?
“Yes”. Replied the man.
“Is the budgerigar looking in the mirror”?
The man buys a mirror! A couple of more days later and the man is back in the shop. He still does not talk!
“This is very strange” said the pet shop owner, the budgerigar runs up and down the ladder looks in the mirror and rings the bell?”
“But he does not have a bell” said the man.
“Well that is the problem, he is not happy without a bell” The man buys a bell, but the next day he is in the shop with the dead budgerigar.
“Did he say anything before he died” said the pet shop keeper. “Oh yes he asked if you sold any bird seed”?

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How good must the food be if even a fire in the restaurant won’t force customers to leave their tables?

Looking for the best food in all the world? Then head to Steve’s Soul Food Restaurant in Detroit. Steve’s food is so good that even a fire wouldn’t make his customers get up and leave. Fire broke out on the roof of the joint, more than 50 people were eating inside eating when the smell of smoke started to fill the dining room. But no one moved. Customers actually had to be coaxed out of the place by owner Steve Radden himself. Looks like the damage will keep the place shut down for a couple of weeks but Steve says he plans to temporarily park his catering truck in the parking lot to continue doing carryout orders.

  • PHONER: What food would you risk being burned alive for just to finish your plate?
  • PHONER: Where do you go way too often for lunch?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LET US INVITE

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them.

She said “I don’t think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat.”

“Is the man of the house home?”, they asked. “No”, she said. “He’s out.” “Then we cannot come in”, they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. “Go tell them I am home and invite them in!”

The woman went out and invited the men in.

“We do not go into a House together,” they replied.

“Why is that?” she wanted to know.

One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, “He is Success, and I am Love.” Then he added, “Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home.”

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. “How nice!!”, he said. “Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!”

His wife disagreed. “My dear, why don’t we invite Success?”

Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: “Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!”

“Let us heed our daughter-in-law’s advice,” said the husband to his wife.

“Go out and invite Love to be our guest.”

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, “Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest.”

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: “I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?”

The old men replied together: “If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would’ve stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever he goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!”

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE BEACON

Read: Mark 6:45-52

He came to them, walking on the sea. —Mark 6:48

When a helicopter crashed in a cold, mountainous wilderness, the pilots survived but were seriously injured. The frozen afternoon stretched toward an even more freezing night. The situation seemed hopeless—until a rescue helicopter appeared, its searchlights illuminating the darkness. It spotted the wreckage, landed nearby, and carried them off to safety.

“How did you know where we were?” an injured man asked.

“The homing device on your aircraft,” the rescuers told him. “It went off automatically when you went down. All we had to do was follow it.”

The disciples of Jesus also experienced the joy of being rescued. They had been struggling as they rowed their boat against wind and waves in the darkness of night on the Sea of Galilee (Mark 6:45-47). Then Jesus came to them, walking on the water, and calmed the sea (vv.48-51).

We may experience similar times when all is dark and foreboding. We can’t help ourselves, and it seems that no one else can either. No one knows how terrified and exhausted we are. No one, that is, except Jesus.

When we’re trapped, hurt, lonely, or discouraged, Jesus knows it. Our cries of grief are beacons that bring Him to our side—right when we need Him most. —Dave Egner

 

There is only One who knows
All the answers to my woes;
He will all my needs supply
When in faith to Him I cry. —Morgan

 

Jesus hears even the faintest cry for help.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

We like to say here at (THE JOCK SHOW) that it’s a “No Cursing Zone” – but that’s just here.  The rest of the town is still cursing up a storm.  Wouldn’t it be cool if your entire town was a curse-free zone?

Are you tired of hearing people curse in public?  If you don’t mind moving, there’s good news if you’d like a curse-free zone everywhere – not just on a single radio station. The community of South Pasadena, California has become a cursing-free zone. Under a City Council proclamation, those who use profanity or make rude gestures could find themselves shamed into better behavior by the unsettling glances of South Pasadena residents who take their reputation for a peaceful society, seriously.  It’s now against the law there to curse or make rude gestures.  ***MARLAR: Dagnabbit.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

A PAIN IN THE BACK

If you have a pain in the back, you may want to think twice about having surgery.

…European researchers say that surgery to relieve chronic lower back pain is no better than intensive rehabilitation and nearly twice as expensive. After studying 350 back pain sufferers, they found that having the surgery made little difference compared to rehab, except in the wallet.  ***MARLAR: Although surgeons argue that after surgery your wallet is LIGHTER, meaning LESS weight for your lower back to compensate for.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

A rural Georgia county is losing about 550 street signs a year to thieves and a commissioner says he has a solution: Make the names boring.  McIntosh County Commissioner Mark Douglas serves a rural county about 60 miles south of Savannah. He says signs marking Green Acres, Boone’s Farm and Mary Jane Lane are frequently stolen.  He suspects the thieves are targeting those signs because they share names with a popular TV series, a low-cost wine or, in the third case, a slang term for marijuana.  Then there’s the stolen signs for Harmony Hill. Douglas figures the thieves just like the alliteration.  It’s become a costly problem. County Manager Luther Smart says the area is paying $17,000 a year to replace the signs.  ***MARLAR: One other option is rename all of the streets (JOE BIDEN WAY) because nobody likes him anyway.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS THE EASTER BUNNY IS HAVING A BAD DAY

  • For the third time today, someone’s come up and said he can’t all his eggs in one basket
  • His cousin, the Energizer bunny, kept him up all night with that stupid drum
  • Coffee stand said they don’t know how to make a carrot latte
  • At a TV store, someone tries to get better reception by grabbing his ears
  • “What do you mean, ‘You need a lucky charm?’

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Taking the stairs can dramatically cut your risk of an early death.

…During a 12-week study, 69 volunteers used the stairs at work instead of the elevator, climbing or descending up to an average of 23 flights per day. At the conclusion, the participants had better fitness, less body fat, trimmer waistlines and lower blood pressure. The physical benefits translated into a 15% reduced risk of premature death from any cause, says Dr. Philipee Meyer of Switzerland’s University Hospital of Geneva.  ***MARLAR: Not a big help for those of us who work from home in ranch-style houses.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Fast food chain Chick-Fil-A has started a new promotion in which patrons receive a free ice-cream dessert if they put their phone away while they eat. According to Christianheadlines.com, Many Americans are addicted to checking their phones, so Chick-Fil-A wants to encourage customers to spend quality time with each other while enjoying a meal. One hundred fifty Chick-Fil-A restaurants across the country are participating in the promotion which includes providing “phone coops” to customers who want to participate in the challenge. The “phone coops” are boxes in which to keep your phone until you are finished enjoying your Chick-Fil-A meal.  http://ow.ly/ZfKcK

 

Landon Cunningham’s 9th birthday celebration and first trip to a Major League baseball game changed from near disaster to relief in a split second, all thanks to his hero dad. According to Today.com, Landon was looking at his phone while texting his mom a picture from Saturday’s Pirates-Braves spring training game when Pittsburgh outfielder Danny Ortiz lost control of his bat at the plate. That sent the bat hurtling into the stands behind first base, directly at Landon’s face. At the last instant, his father, Shaun Cunningham, stuck out his arm to block the bat from hitting his son.  It is an extremely close call, which can you see from the pictures and video…   http://on.today.com/1pvwyTJ

 

The Alaska Senate has passed a bill that would ban Planned Parenthood materials from being used in public school sex education classes. According to Christianheadlines.com, senate Bill 89 requires parents to give permission before their child attends public school sex education classes. The bill also would ban educational material from any “abortion services provider,” including Planned Parenthood.  http://ow.ly/ZfJSr

 

The maker of K-cups, those small containers used to brew a single cup of coffee, says he feels bad that he ever invented them. The small containers have wreaked havoc on the environment. According to some estimates, so many were trashed in 2014 alone, that if lined up, they’d circle the earth more than 12 times! K-cup inventor John Sylvan explained, “No matter what they say about recycling, those things will never be recyclable.” Because of the plastics and materials used to help it withstand brewing, the individual cups are extremely difficult to breakdown and recycle. Sylvan told the magazine, “I don’t have one. They’re kind of expensive to use. Plus it’s not like drip coffee is tough to make”.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

MARCH 11, 2016…

 

Brothers Grimsby—Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong discover they are not only brothers, but Strong is a police officer and needs Cohen’s help.  What a team that will make! Also in the cast is Ian McShane.  “Brothers Grimsby” is rated R. No rating.

 

The Other Side Of The Door—A child passes away and the mother wants to communicate with the child.  This is the premise of a supernatural film starring Sarah Wayne Callies and Jeremy Sisto. Who really does know what is on the other side of any door?  “The Other Side Of The Door” is rated R. No rating.

 

10 Cloverfield Lane—John Goodman stars in this movie of a man who offers underground protection to a family when a major disaster occurs.  After a bit, was there really a disaster?  Someone’s sinister plan?  “10 Cloverfield Lane” is rated R. No rating.

 

Young Messiah (current title, this title could change)—This film tells the story of the young Jesus, known as Jesus Bar-Joseph,  when he was a child in Egypt.  It was tough growing up there and parents telling him he was special. The family hears that it might be safe to go back to Nazareth, but one king is dead and another reigns. The cast includes Sean Bean, David Bradley and Christian McKay. “Young Messiah” is rated PG-13. No rating.

 

Eye In The Sky—Helen Mirren is head of a drone attack squad and her top man is Aaron Paul.  What happens when they are ordered to do a hit and children are there?  Also in the cast is the late Alan Rickman. “Eye In The Sky” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Hello, My Name Is Doris—Sally Field takes on the role of Doris, an older woman who now feels empowered and decides to date…a man (Max Greenfield) way younger than she is.  How people will talk.  “Hello, My Name Is Doris” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

MARCH 18, 2016…

 

Divergent: Alligant continues the storyline from the YA book series. Stars Shailene Woodley and Theo James.

 

Midnight Special tells the story of a parent trying to protect his child who may have supernatural powers. Stars Michael Shannon.

 

The Bronze stars Melissa Rausch (“Big Bang Theory”) in the true story of an injured gymnast. Rescheduled from an earlier date.

 

Ben Wheatley’s High Rise stars Tom Hiddleston as a lonely man who rents an apartment and doesn’t like the neighbors.

 

Preppie Connection has Thomas Mann in a true story of a college kid who becomes a top-notch drug dealer.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.